UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
HM
Life is so short and i see that as our children grow..they grow
Too fast. I am ashamed to say three years of my life was wasted on crying and obsessing over someone who has turned out to be a jerk, and I missed the most precious thing to me…paying proper attention to my kids. Something I will never get back.
Things like the hustle an bustle when im making supper and the kids telling me about their days are priceless memories and that makes me so happy and now I know where
To focus
Not
I agree with what you said. It is so amazing that we do recover, we will get better, we look better after all the crying after a discard. And all that pain , you are right, I worth getting us to where we are now. Looking back, years ago I was a crying “mess”. If soneobe said “it will get better ” I did not believe them. But how can it get better ? I just lost “the love of my life”, my husband, my partner , my best friend, my security , my everything. In truth he was none of this. In reality I “lost” a liar, a deceiver, betrayer, abuser, a pervert. So we did not lose anything. We gained everything. We were set free to be our own human being again instead of a puppet on strings that you throw in the trash when a better puppet comes along.
Thank God we were discarded.
soright kaya48
I THOUGHT I messed up and somehow screwed up my blessing. That somehow this unwanted child, this pathetic loser of a person had lost someone who was willing to live with and make a life with me, a person who was floundering. A woman with intelligence and energy and a drive to work hard, and appreciated and enjoyed a rural way of life, ME!, a person who offered little ways to enhance our lives with special moments of unique quality of life, a person who loved our little corner of the world with the animals and the critters and the rhythm of the seasons, calving season where my dearest was my hero, saving the tender calves and earning the gratitude of me and their cow moms, the hay season with the ambrosia smells of fresh mowed hay, the insects buzzing as we bailed it, the feeling of accomplishment as field after field was cut, raked, and made ready for the NEXT season. The cows fresh with sweet milk, the neighbors eggs, the fresh beef from a pampered steer, the bounty from the vegetable market, and our small town’s festival swhere we’d meet and gossip and watch the children play and share our stories.
I LOVED the life. But for my ex, it was his trolling ground for new acolytes, people who were recruited to harm me, to put me in my place, to remind me that my life was not secure, that I was easily replaceable … and I was erased and replaced, because I refused to “know my place” as defined ambiguously by his mama and his papa, and his brother’s wife, and his cousin’s wife. MY very LIFE, whether I lived or died was determined by people who had NOTHING to do with what I gave to the world or asked in reciprocity. I was ONLY a scapegoat for my ex, to excuse whatever whim my Now ex had at any moment because he protected his reputation but not his wife or child or his lifestyle or family.
And as much as I invested in my life before I finally caught on that I was expendable… I knew enough joy to realize what was taken from me, I was wise enough to realize that crap was being done TO ME, and eventually I became okay with that because as you say, and I concur, I am better to be set free than to be a puppet on strings thrown in the trash when a better puppet come along… although in my defense, it took multiple puppets to replace me… and I do… THANK GOD over and over for the blessing of being discarded. That hard part for me what that one part of my life had NOTHING to do with the other. The discard had NOTHING to do with my being incompetent or unworthy. It was merely done at the whim of my now ex. A WHIM. We of the LF club were a WHIM of a sociopath and nothing more than that, not ever. THUS…..That’s why it’s probably hard for the newly discarded to grasp, that being discarded really is… a blessing. But first I think they have to understand the kind of evil they were caught in… and to have survived and gained that kind of wisdom, makes us all very special, very unique warriors of good versus evil.
Bravo to you kaya48, we got beyond the evil. I don’t think many of us do. There was a time when I wanted to die. And my therapist told me that in battle with these type, these sociopaths, most victims actually don’t survive…so many commit suicide. That we do survive and even thrive after the discard… and that we help others to get THROUGH the HELL, we are WARRIORS!!! We gained getting ourselves BACK! Roar!!
NWHSOM, your post touched me so deeply this morning I’ve been crying since I read it. I’m a snotty mess. It brought to the surface the the essence of me that I’ve been missing so much and have been working so hard to find again.
Your description of the appreciation you had for the beauty of your life is so overwhelming to me because I could have written it myself, with just the details changed. You painted a picture so clear in my mind that I could smell the hay, and hear the insects buzzing. We are the blessed few who love and appreciate our worlds so deeply!
Until my ex, for as long as I can remember, I woke up every morning excited for the new day. As a kid, I was excited about going to school every day. As an adult, I was excited about going to work every day. I put my best effort into EVERYTHING (which as it turns out, made me a perfect target), and nothing seemed like work to me. Sure, every day wasn’t perfect, but they were all good. Everything was lemonade! After a horrible trip to the dentist, I’d be thinking “I’m killing it at life! I’m taking good care of my teeth!” and I’d be proud of myself. I was in my 40’s and 50’s and still as excited about life as if I was still a little kid.
I have a vivid memory of the most mundane thing – driving home on the freeway from Costco and looking at the green hills and blue sky and being just overwhelmed with a feeling of well being, happiness, and being safe and at home in the world.
I wasn’t rich, I didn’t live in the best area, and I lived a pretty simple, low key life, but I loved it so, so much, and all that was missing was someone to share it with.
My ex mirrored me so perfectly that I thought I had found someone who saw life through the same eyes and nothing could have been farther from the truth. I have loved gazing at the sky since I was a little girl, and I was always mentioning it to him, and even if he was driving straight into a rainbow he never noticed it. I spent so much time at his house that I couldn’t plant a garden at my own, and asked him if I could plant a little one in his (huge) yard and he pointed out an area. It was really successful and I had a beautiful crop of chiles that I was counting the days until I could harvest them. I asked him if he had noticed them and he said that earlier that week he was going to rip out all the plants because he was “sick” of looking at them but hadn’t gotten around to it!! I took him out and showed him the chiles and he said well you better pick them because the plants are going. I begged for another week. These mofo’s want to crush everything we love.
The man he showed me was a sham. He was actually obsessed with sex and having multiple women, expensive cars to show off to strangers and valets. If a nice cocktail was $10, he would want to go to the place where it was $18. One time at the mall, he bought a $1,200 pair of shoes (we were comfortable financially, but not THAT comfortable), and he wore them to work – I heard much later that he bragged about them to the laborers he supervised (what a complete ASS). He would look down his nose at other people and call them “wannabes” and the truth is, he was the biggest fake and a fraud wannabe of them all.
He had no heart, and he had no soul.
Up until the time he came into my life, I was living a life that I loved and cherished, my own little utopia. He stole it all from me, under the guise of love, exploiting every dream I had with promises of an even better future, and the entire time all he was doing was coaxing me out of my world and leading me to slaughter.
When I was in the midst of it, I was aware enough to cry for my own home, my own yard, my own view of the sky, but I was powerless to escape. I now know the cognitive dissonance was crippling me. Thank God I now understand what happened to me and that it was not my fault, and thank God that he discarded me in disgust before it was too late. Dealing with the logistics of the wreckage he left my life in has beat me up to the point that the person I was pre-this horror is muffled and afraid, but she’s still there. I’m putting everything I have in to bringing her back, proud and unafraid. I absolutely hate it that she’s not just there as always, but that I have to work to get her back.
I am so thankful for the wonderful people here and this safe place.
Here is a quote from Steve Maraboli:
Let go of the people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.
To the people who are wondering if they are somehow mistaken, that their person might not be a sociopath and are wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt and another chance, ask yourself this: even if they ARE “normal”, do I want to be treated like this? Do I want to feel like this? Is this good for me? If the answer is no, just walk away. There is no one more important in your life than YOU.
HanaleiMoon
The problem with having a heart and the ability to appreciate and love is that we FEEL. AAARRRGGGG!
ALL of us have a gift for making Lemonade! We made beautiful lives for ourselves. Then, evil entered. Evil with his unending ENVY of our ability to find joy in simple beauty of a skyline (for me, it was the stars at night, I loved early morning milkings, getting up at 4a, and while walking the cows to the barn, the sky would be full of shooting stars and I felt like GOD was telling me, “see all the blessings I rain upon you?”
People ask, why didn’t you leave him? Well, in the beginning, the crappy stuff was once in a while and you don’t end a marriage for ONE thing. He’d do these odd jerky behaviors, like when I made plans for us to have a magical weekend outing and of all the days to be late and not even have the courtesy to call…and my daughter and I would be sitting there, waiting, thinking he’d surely be there in a couple of minutes, and an hour and a half later, he’d show up and instead of apologizing and getting himself ready to go, he’d pick a fight, just pick and pick at me until I was so upset I didn’t want to be in the car with that JERK for 5 hrs. And of course, I was angry which ruined it for my beautiful innocent daughter, and then, poof, he was SO NICE to my daughter and she was begging me please let’s just go. Me? I had been turned into a bitch. And as awful as this was, it’s not enough to end a marriage.
These type of incidents were once/twice a year at first. At the end, they were daily. And I was destroyed. Why was I such a BITCH? I HATED myself. I HATED who I had become. No wonder I was worthless than nothing, the one whom NO ONE liked. The one who could do NOTHING right. Not worth the air to breathe and I knew, it was time for me to go. Time to die. I prayed to GOD to give me cancer, to make me die. I looked for ways to commit suicide and not make a mess, not be a bother for anyone to clean up. (I have my suicide plan now, a way to die, no bother to anyone, no body to find, just be gone.)
I held on, for the simple reason that I would not let my ex have full access to my baby, thoughts of pedophilia raged in my head. My daughter was as contemptuous of me as my ex. She behaved towards me as he did, and I didn’t blame her. I could not see anything worthy in me anymore. And still I struggled to find meaning.
I moved out of the house I built, to a neighboring town, to find a space where I didn’t feel constantly oppressed. And damned if his family didn’t start showing up there… when they NEVER used that neighborhood before. My move freed my Now Ex to be open about all the women and the scams and smears against me. Then a few short months later, I was nearly murdered by my ex and his family, on a dead end single lane country road. Only by luck and the grace of GOD, I escaped.
My daughter HATES me, although she’s no sociopath, she is still in his spell and controls our conversations, not allowing any explanation or insights.
You HanaleiMoon, hit the nail on the head.
DO I want to feel like this (the way I did then)?
“There is NO ONE more important in our lives than WE are”.
People come here sobbing at the discard and I completely understand their pain. But what you and I know, is that heartless, confusing, bizarre discard is the BEST outcome that GOD could give them. SO hard to see that at the time but in retrospect, Every Single person who has been discarded by a sociopath has come to the same conclusion.
The pain comes from a disconnect that we have to process, that the discard has NOTHING to do with who we are and what we have to give. It ONLY comes from the WHIM of a sociopath. Our lives with this disordered person was a WHIM and that’s why it shut down without reason or process. It was begun on a WHIM and gone with a WHIM. It had NOTHING to do with who we were inside or out. For those looking for reason, this is the explanation for the rationale you are looking for.
There is NO future with a sociopath. There is only death, a slow death of our souls followed by the death of our bodies.
I am sorry to have reminded you of your heartbreak HanaleiMoon, but I hope your have reminded you of yourself, and how very special and what a wonderful blessing you are to EVERYONE who is NOT a sociopath. Just remember, the woman who was so gifted that she could make lemonade? She can still whip up a batch, albeit with thinking instead of instinct. But once you do it over and over, making lemonade becomes instinct once again.
NWHSOM, my relationship ran along similar lines – the incidents were widespread at first, and I saw them as anomalies. By the time they became more frequent, I was so addicted, so mired in cognitive dissonance that all I was doing was trying to hold things together because my feelings were real, and I was invested. The last year his behavior became so freakish, so outrageous that looking back, it seems that he had decided well in advance that he was going to discard me for one last time and he wanted to try to see how far he could push me to destruction in the meantime, just for his amusement”after all, I was just trash, and no further use to him. At that point, he had moved on to others and was idealizing them, but I had no way of knowing that. I was trying to make a relationship work.
I never felt worthless like you did. Instead, I KNEW I had worth, had done nothing wrong and was a wonderful, loving partner, and I spent hours upon hours trying to reason with him in an attempt to make him see that I didn’t deserve the way he was treating me, and what he was doing was wrong. I felt like if I could only find the right combination of words to make him see, he’d “get” it. Yikes!! I was only giving him more ammo.
One thing he did do to me in that last year in a subtle way was to make me ashamed of my body. I was far from perfect physically, but I saw my body in a healthy way and didn’t have any hangups about it – and no one had ever complained! The last year he shifted our sex life away from something mutual to me “servicing” him, and I started to hide myself. At the very end, he wouldn’t touch me at all. The last time we were together, I actually asked him to touch me, and he put his hand on my side and rubbed back and forth once, as if he was checking the grit on sandpaper, and then took it away. I made him a great breakfast in the morning and acted as if it didn’t devastate me. It didn’t matter, because that morning kicked off the last horrible 24 hours with him and then he was gone.
That was 3 1/2 years ago, and to this day, I avoid seeing myself naked in the mirror, which is a 180 degree change from “before”. Maybe some of this is due to normal aging, but I know who I was before, and most of it is due to the messages his actions were sending to me – that all I was good for was servicing him because I was unattractive to him and he had no desire for me. Intellectually, I know this is ridiculous, since I looked essentially the same (actually better, since I had been working out a lot) as when he met me and couldn’t keep his hands off me.
I could ask myself why I went ahead and bought a house with him when I was no longer willing to be naked in front of him, but I know the answer – I was addicted, brainwashed, manipulated. He knew exactly the ratio of good behavior to bad to keep me hooked until he was through with me.
Simply, I felt the way I did because that is how HE WANTED me to feel.
YOU hit the nail on the head when you said this: the discard has NOTHING to do with who we are and what we have to give.
Hanalei
My spath did the same thing with our sex life and the results were identical, I no longer feel confident with my body image either…
I am humbled! X
Not
Very inspiring! And you and Hanalei, thanks for reminding me to be grateful for the person I once was and can be again ★
yep undertheradar. We were Wonderful beings before the sociopath, and you STILL ARE!
Thanks not x
Not
I am so glad or your posts. They are so absolutely true and so honest. Our stories are so similar. Of course we all here almost share the same story. It’s must been so difficult for you with his family against you. I was lucky my ex and I never had any friends in common and his family was far away. 1700 miles.
I always honored to bring able to post here and maybe give a new person here a little bit of hope. Because at the beginning I thought there was no hope. This trial has taught me tremendous things. We are not puppets anymore. We are WARRIORS. You are so right about this.
People often ask me “how do you stay so positive ?” Because I love my new life and nothing can make me go back because I am free of his lies and betrayals. What more can I ask for? Thank you God for taking this evil man out if my life and giving me peace, sanity and happiness.
Yes Kaya48
Your words bring hope and reminders to me of my blessings. So does AnnettePk and HanaleiMoon (who’s name I do Love) and others here.
Anytime I feel down, I do pray to GOD, that prayer of gratitude for bringing me out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and giving me the wisdom to discern Evil… and the opportunities… now diminished but still exisiting… opportunities to make the last years of my life into a JOY.
Not
What another inspiring post of yours. I think you should write a book. I would definetely buy it. Like for you I found pleasure and happiness in the simplest things in life. Going for a walk on the beach, seeing a beautiful sunset, or sunrise. But yes he found a way to turn everything into a drama. While I enjoyed those wonderful things we could do living at the Gulf of Mexico he concluded “why did you make me move to this awful state?” “But yes, you are sol old , you enjoy living amongst all these old, stupid people.” There, the day was ruined. And like you said at first it was occasionally. In the end it was a daily occurrence. He was poking and trying to find ways to make me upset. And he succeeded every time. Even just a trip to the store. I had to act according to his standards. Once we went on vacation and he told me that if anyone asks we are not from this county , we are from that county (a richer more prestigious one). Why???he always wanted to be someone he was not.
But like you I did not want leave and end the marriage. In retrospect I should have left and let him be a pervert. I should have given him the freedom he so badly wanted to be with his minions and his money. But I didn’t because I wanted to see the good in him. And I tried for 20 plus years. I could have tried 100 years. There was nothing good in him. Nothing. And when people say “he was a good father” it’s not true. He wasn’t. If he was a good father he would have put his selfish, perverted needs away and cared about his family, his only child and not walked out on us. But at the same time walking out on us saved my life, saved my ability to be the best mother to my son. If he hadn’t discarded me I would have been dead, comitted to a mental institution of behind bars in jail. Because that was his hope and plan for me. How sad, a person who vowed to cherish, love and protect me for ever. Therefore is a liar and works in satans interest . I hope he stays where he is. In the darkness.
Wow so beautifully written by everyone.
Although these men did what they did, is it considered sociopathy or a mixture of disorders…because they all sound very dangerous as well as emotionally dangerous..
They really should be locked up and thank goodness you are all strong women because of this..wow
janedoe
At first reading, I thought your post was saying we are all strong women because of this (abuse).
Just wanted to be sure… you meant we were already strong-in -virtues women before the sociopaths, right?
NWHSOM
I Meant it in a good way meaning because of the way you each are as people, you were able to overcome this…you were strong women throughout it from before, during and after the N…
I guess I didn’t clarify it properly, sorry…I hope I made it sound correct this time 🙂
janedoe
Of course you were kind. That’s how you were made. You are, after all, one of us.
Janedoe-
You’re entirely correct…. they really should be locked up…. and that’s exactly what Sexual Assault by Fraud Law is designed to do.
I don’t know if you noticed my guest post this week. You can really help pass the law by signing the petition on change.org. Here is the link. http://chn.ge/1JOOCes
Today, this effects NJ. That’s only the beginning!
The petition currently has 197 signatures. I’d love to see it go over 200 this weekend! Please help!
Joyce
Hanalei
I felt the same way as you. I was so “ashamed” of my body. I did not want him to see me naked or even in a bathing suit. Especially after I found the pictures of the coworker he labeled hot and sexy. And yes of course there was a difference. I was 47, I had a child and she was in her 20”s no children. She worked out, she had a flat stomach and then of course the very long hair. One time I lost about 30 pounds (actually to please him). Instead of saying I look good or something like that his words were “lucky you, you lost that weight, I woukd have left you if you didn’t “. And he still left me. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the way we look, the way we act, our intelligence or beliefs. Like my therapist once said “once you are on top of that discarding /trash/garbage list, nothing make you desirable to them.”
Aren’t we lucky we five have to worry about how we look and act anymore ? Because now we can be our own again. We don’t have to meet their standards anymore. We were all made into malleable puppets before. And now we are whole again. True human beings.
Kaya, I’m actually struggling with the swimsuit issue right now! I have never been self-conscious in a swimsuit and enjoy the beach and being in the ocean so much! I’ve got miles saved up and want to go to Hawaii later this year and I keep thinking – but what if I’m absolutely hideous in my swimsuit!? Gah! I know once I get my fins and snorkel on and get in the water I’ll be so happy I’ll forget about it but in the meantime, I HATE feeling this way! This is all his doing.
HanaleiMoon
Joy is beautiful at any age. Since “my hips don’t lie”, I wear a fishnet skirt coverup while walking to my sunspot on the beach. And I’m okay with my looks because what I do, I do for ME. And remember, decent people look at your character and all the others, even young ones or esp ones like your ex… don’t matter one whit. Wanna test my theory? I’ve already done it over and over. I open my mouth and talk to people that I think have judged me. You know what I find? That at the end of the conversation, they are either glad to have enjoyed the time we shared or they’ve shown themselves to be jerks. Jerks? Are like knats to me. Flicked off and forgotten.
Remember when you were young and met someone older that was interesting? Well, NOW you are THAT interesting person. GO ahead! Test it. Go to the zoo or the mall. Sit at a table and chat with the persons at the next table. They can look snotty at first but after a sentence or two, they become interested… or jerks. It happens very quickly. If they are jerks, they are their own problem, it’s not personal because they don’t know me. But GOOD people tend to be decent, they are just MADE that way. Just as YOU, ME, WE are made that way. And THOSE people don’t judge by bikini shapes or not. They judge by how much joy and sharing happens.
pps I travel. A LOT. I’ve done this test in MANY countries and it’s always the same. GOOD people LOVE to share with those who have their values, the values of what matters. LOVE. Appreciation. DIGNITY. Respect.
NWHSOM, you’re right! My philosophy of the beach has always been half the people look better, half look worse, and they’re all so preoccupied with how THEY look that they don’t have time to notice you. Where I go in Hawaii, everyone is there because they LOVE it, and there are all shapes, sizes and ages. Everyone is doing their own thing, and I’ve had many great random conversations.
You’re also right about age. Where I volunteer, I have made friends with a young guy who is maybe 17. Our schedule has been the same for quite a few weeks and we have so many great conversations. His face lights up when he sees me walk in. I’m sure mine does too.
Thanks for the reminder, you are so right that joy is attractive. I did quite a bit of solo traveling before I met my ex and I would strike up conversations and met so many nice people! I’ve always been that way! When we were in Paris, we went to a tiny wine bar several times and my French was basic, but I discovered that both the waiter and I spoke Spanish and it was so nice. This just frosted my ex, who never bothered to even learn a few words of ANYTHING. He also hated it when I ended up talking to some random person at the beach, male, female or little kid. He never got it that I was just being friendly, and it makes life BETTER.
Thanks for the wisdom! I’m sure when I hit my old stomping grounds, all worries will be forgotten.
haha.
Just a haha inside funny.
When I was teaching my daughter how to drive, I told her to remember that half the people on the road have less than average intelligence…. so she had to drive defensively to protect herself from the numbnuts. I reminded her of the same ratio about beauty, that there will always be prettier people and uglier people but what matters is who she is in her heart.
My daughter is extra pretty, just a gift from GOD because honestly, I am not pretty. For a while I worked in Hollywood so I did worry about her being taken advantage of. And I emphasized her character over her appearance.
She grew up and accused me of never thinking she was pretty. I was heartbroken that she ever thought that I, her mommy, didn’t see how special she was. She is a total mindblowing knockout. I’ve had phone calls from people who said she walked into the room and they were amazed how stunning she is and how Unaware she seemed to be about how stunning she is (so they were extra attracted.)
I am sure my ex did a mindfk on her, that she is insecure and angry about her looks. When in fact, sadly, as amazing as she looks (and is STILL unaware of how stunning she looks), it really really isn’t what matters. What matters really is sharing her joy and appreciation of others. And… as if she wasn’t blessed enough, she is a mental genius. Literally, a math genius and a person who is able to analyse on a level that is above almost everyone I have ever met. All that brilliance and she still can’t seem to analyse that my ex, her stepfather, mindfk her. She thinks that she was too smart for him. But as long as she thinks I am beneath her, I know… she drank his coolaide, she has bought into his definition of me. The definition he created in order to sever our bond, the bond that he was so angry about, he raged that I loved her that much and so he severed our bond from HER perspective. I can’t do anything about that.
But what I have chosen to do, is to be a person who benefits others. I counter his evil by refusing to be evil but instead to appreciate decency, dignity, honor, integrity, sacrifice, gratitude in any form. It’s my small way of making something better in this world, even if I die in the next moment. And GOD may judge me for my failures but I will also be known by GOD for my attempts to LOVE.
kaya48
Standards?
Two things I know about my ex’s “standards”.
1) They changed as soon as I met those “standards” (proof that NOTHING matters to them)
2) They didn’t apply to HIM.
My ex aged the same number of years as I did.
Will I ever be a pretty as I was when he met me? No.
But my spirit, my soul, my essence is and remains FAR more desirable than his.
As you say… I am MY OWN again. WHOLE. And not fooled. I am a TRUE human being. I LOVE. and that is worth EVERYTHING.
ps My ex, as arrogant and conceited as he was about his looks? Has AGED like his father, who spent the last 20 years of his life barely hanging on. My ex is a THUG, a THING, something whom he has to HIDE from others who, if they saw him in his habitat, would be revolted by him. So he is restricted to short meetups with others, he can no longer compete with the beings he used to ridicule.
ME? I’ve aged too, but I have maintained my ability to LOVE, to enjoy others, to appreciate what GOD has blessed me, and my body has not broken down yet so I still enjoy the activities that my ex STOLE from me all those years. Moreover, the friends that I have made are LIKE ME, appreciative and curious and thoughtful and considerate.
The ONLY reason I was fooled was because I didn’t believe in EVIL. I thought I had escaped EVIL when I left my family. But unlike my ex, I am trainable!! Because my ex taught me that evil can be covert, I VERIFY any trust I give and I NEVER give more than I can recover from.
And MOST of all, I have chosen what I will die FOR, and that MFkn sociopath (or his ilk) is NOT ON THAT LIST.
NWHSOM, our culture (big business) creates the illusion of young and beautiful as the ideal, and the reality is, it’s all photoshopped. Sure, we were all firmer and prettier when we were younger, but NO one looked like what we see in the media today. The reality is, if we are lucky enough, we age. EVERYONE ages. Rational adults accept this, and don’t make a big deal out of it. Everyone wants to look as good as they can, but we have to be realistic.
We are not less than, or unworthy, because we are aging. In other cultures, and in our own history, elders were revered.
My ex is a year younger than me, and when we met, he was 48. At that time, his hair was 90% white, and he inherited it from his dad. It made him look distinguished, but he hadn’t aged well, and I was shocked when I found out his age, I thought he was about 10 years older. I looked younger than my age, and more than once, he was mistaken for my father. This didn’t bother me, because I saw him as he was (make that who I thought he was).
He was extremely arrogant and conceited about his looks. A few times he got horrible dye jobs and he was constantly “manscaping” (yuck). I can now correlate it with episodes of cheating. He flirted with young girls wherever we went and thought he was so cool, I know they were just pleasant to get a sale or a big tip. He was a joke, and at times, I felt embarrassed for him. He was terrible to me about menopause (when I had no issues to speak of) and he ended up marrying a woman in her late 50’s. Probably because she was the first one who said yes, and she had something of value he could use.
I am in good health, energetic and have a youthful outlook on life, and I intend to keep this up as long as possible. I love what you say that you never give more than you can recover from. I like this philosophy a LOT.
ha ha ha HanaleiMoon
See? You GET it.
I have this attitude. I found my MOJO. or as I have refined it, MY JOY.
People LIKE joy. I try to share it as much as possible. It’s the trade I made with GOD. That if I was redeemed, I would off balance the EVIL that came from my ex/his family/friends with MY JOY.
I do it quietly. I volunteer. I share enjoyment of others with them. and I TELL them that their JOY made my day. Because that’s the TRUTH. And the great thing about TRUTH is that it’s like ripples in a pond, it spreads to allllll. I may not be pretty anymore but people who are, people who are FEELING their joy… spread that joy, and so on, and so on.
That’s how I know the EVIL that came from my ex, and how he tried to destroy one (me! and nearly did so with the help of his minions and family), was my inspiration…. to remind the good ones among us that they are noticed, they are NOT alone, they exist, they are appreciated, and they are more than ONE moment of JOY. And even if it’s just a quiet moment of scratching my cats ears and tail, I have… in that one act, given more REAL joy than my ex has done in his entire life. I call that, and anyone who does even that little bit… a REAL ‘WIN’.
Not
Wise words to live by! Not on that list is something I’ll be taking from this post – thanks! 🙂
Hanalei and not
Your posts encourage me so much. I too have aged since I was married over 20 years ago and so did my ex. In his eyes though he was still the 20 year old Cpt america , the invincible us army soldier , the high school football star, the homecoming King, the irrestitible cop. Ha. In reality he is a 46 year old pervert. I am 3 years older than him and always got reminded of that.
Going to the beach is now a pleasure for me because you are so right. Half of the people look better, half worse. Going with him made me nervous and I quedtioned my looks all the time. Was I good enough to walk next to him, skinny enough? All these thoughts are gone now , My heart and my soul are so much more than looks.
Hanalei, when we used to go for bike rides I was not allowed to stop and talk to anyone. The same with other places. I am a social , outgoing person and he hated that. On the other side he was arrogant, conceited and better than everyone else in this entire world. Well of course he believed he was higher than God.
I don’t miss NOTHING about him. Not even his good looks. Ha .
By the way his father who is on his 5 th wife looks much older than his 70 years. I guess living an evil life gets to them eventually.
yep kaya48
I used to liken my ex to the Portrait of Dorian Grey. Sure my ex was blessed with good looks, but that wasn’t why I married him. I THOUGHT he was a person of a certain character. I was honest and TOLD him that if he wasn’t of that character, I was NOT the one to date. He lied. I know now, he was angry that I place a value above what he could achieve and he took his time and nearly ended me for my standards. It’s been 30 years now. God has the last laugh. My ex looks worse than the people he used to ridicule. Again, even GOD knows that character matters, who we are INSIDE matters in the end. These sociopaths never learn what matters, which is why they ALWAYS lose… in the end.
kaya48
pps Your post makes me want to go on a bike ride tomorrow because I am the same way. I LIKE chatting with people. I have met the most amazing people, and until you chat with them, you don’t know what gems they are. I met a man once, a little old man, on a train. We were seat mates for a three hr trip. So I joked that I was buying his tea. And ordered tea/biscuits/sandwiches (cookies) for both of us. It turned out, he was the head gardener at a certain castle for the QUEEN. He’d traveled ALL over the world searching for plant specimens for her garden museum, to preserve garden history for the world. Now…. I am NOT a gardener, but I absolutely appreciate this man and what he contributed for the WORLD. And every time I visit his country, I make sure to go to his town and have lunch with him. THAT is just one of my rewards for chatting with a stranger. For my ex, if he couldn’t USE somebody, he had no time for them. And in my eyes, the world passed him by. People are not there to be USED, they exist to be appreciated.
NWHSOM, that’s a great story about the man on the train, especially that you still visit him! I have a little jar of sand (you know the jars that bait come in?) that a little old man gave me almost 30 years ago. He lived on a street on a project I had and was out in his yard one day and I struck up a conversation with him (actually, about his garden). Out of the blue, he asked me if I liked rocks. I said, well, sure. He said, do you have a minute? And he took me into his back yard where he had built shelves that were filled with rocks. He told me that when they got married (his wife was there too), they liked to take road trips but didn’t have much money so they started picking up rocks as souvenirs of their trips, and never stopped, for over 50 years at that point. He could tell me the story of each rock, and it was amazing. Later, he sent in the jar of sand for me with one of the other guys on the job with the message that because I had been interested in his rocks, he knew I’d enjoy the sand. Well he was right. That jar has been on every desk I’ve had since, and it’s sitting here right now.
My ex wouldn’t have given that man a second glance.
We are kindred spirits, NWHSOM!
HanaleiMoon
This is funny, as in charmingly funny. When I was VERY young, I read a Chinese fortune cookie that said I would “Touch the soil of many lands”. So ever since I started traveling, on EVERY trip, I pick up a rock on some path in the countryside. I have a PILE of rocks! I can’t even tell you which is which (except for some which I know by the geology of the rock where they came from.) I just feel it’s my little stockpile of the soil of many lands. And I know that EVERY rock I picked up made me feel like I was bring magic home with me.
Thank you for sharing about your own little old man. He was right about you. A jar of sand that has MEANING… it’s a gift of LOVE. AND a reminder to you that someone saw your true spirit, and that true spirit is still there.
This has been such a great conversation today!
NWHSOM’s posts reminded me of something that had fallen through the cracks these past few years – that my enthusiasm for life and genuine interest in other people has always been one of my most attractive qualities. I’ve been told more than once that these qualities give me the ability to make people feel good about themselves. I know for sure it’s helped me in my career.
Kaya, like you, I am a social and outgoing person. I naturally strike up conversations with people and my ex hated that too. I did it as the norm when we first got together and he was always saying something about it. As time went on and he felt more ownership over me, he told me he thought it was disrespectful to him and so I trained myself to keep quiet. People somehow were always still nice to me, and it infuriated him.
So the open, friendly and approachable person I have always been by nature went into hibernation and still doesn’t come out as much as she should. She gets to come out in full force at each of my volunteer shifts at the museum, and I can honestly say that I feel like I’m walking on air when I’m done for the day. I used to feel this way all the time. I need to remember that it’s ok to be me again now.
And NWHSOM, you’re right, you can tell right away if people are interested or if they’re jerks.
Hanalei
I agree that these posts have been rewarding. I’d forgotten who I am, it was buried under all the drama and this convo has started digging for those qualities I’d forgotten about. Thanks girls!
Jenna
I’ve been cheated on with girls I never thought would even come close to what the spath had with me, not that I think I’m God’s gift, but fitness, size and mutual interests in the world of adventure, none of these women complimented his lifestyle like I did? I learned that it was more about the act and self gratification than it was about the bond, but I assumed he was bonding with them and that made me feel like I was in a competition…
me to, I am in the best shape of my life and adventurous and thought too i am the best match for him. Well, then comes amanda who he said i will show you a pic and you decide which tells me shes not so attractive to him. I am in competition too. I want to be the one the only one and it will never happen now. he chose amanda not me. I thought I bonded with him too. i guess not
Not
Absolutely they always lose at the end. I am wondering if they see themselves as losers? My ex definetely list big time. He lost everything except the minions. And he can have them. A coworker who is willing to engage in an affair with a married man sure deserves him. She might not have known he is a sociopath but I am sure she found out by now. Poor co worker.
Kaya
You gotta wonder if they ever feel like a loser. Do they feel they lost when their recent gf dumps them because she discovered he’s a wacko? I don’t think they feel bad, perhaps it’s an ego booster and another notch in their belt.
It doesn’t seem mine had remorse or thought he was a loser when telling me stories of past gfs. Although, according to him he wasn’t dumped, it was him he dumped them…which I doubt now.
Perhaps the young girls going after your ex will one day grow up and see what he is really like and at his age he isn’t going to get better looking and attractive the way he perceives captain America shd be…
Janedoe
Mine is acting like the loser. He crying to whoever will listen, taking the blame for ruining the marriage and his attempts to get me back are now boarding on stalkerish, but I’m wondering what is in it for him?
If I had to say something about his actions now, it would be that it’s in his best interests to get me back because he looks more normal than the charges that are about to be laid on him.
Now I’m off to do some stalker research because the spath showed up 3 times yesterday, at 3 different places that I was…grr…
I don’t think they ever see themselves as losers. My ex sure doesn’t. But it’s MY definition that matters to me. I live by MY values, not his. My ex just considers a loss as something that occurs on the way to a bigger win. He gets back at others for any loss. My ex is VERY vengeful. I’ve witnessed him getting back at someone 20 years after the trivial event, and the man didn’t understand it was payback time. He thought my ex was HIS FRIEND, when my ex used his friendship to set the guy up for bankruptcy.
I am not foolish. I know that my ex certainly has not given up on putting me “in my place”. He is an opportunist. When the opportunity occurs, I will suffer. But… I have my faith in GOD in my corner, so I truly mean it, in the END (as in the END of life) I know I have not measured up to GOD, but I also know that GOD will judge me and I will endure my punishment as a pathway to being a better being. My ex? Will do all he can to avoid GOD. He doesn’t believe in him now… but that won’t save him in the END.
NWHSOM
I love this story about the gardener!
This reminds me if something I am like. I’m a person who enjoys listening to people’s lives. I prefer to give than receive. If I can make a small difference in someone’s life, that makes me happy.
How nice it is that this man and you still communicate when you have the chance…
Perhaps being the nice person I am makes me a perfect target to people? I try to toughen up and it doesn’t come across as so…I’m just not good at being too mean lol
Although my kids will tell you otherwise!
See Janedoe?
It’s just further proof what a good person you are. I confess I am not.
I do things for selfish reasons. I love listening to other’s stories because others live an interesting life and hearing about it makes me dream and imagine. I ask them for recommendations. They are the accomplished ones, I am the one who gets to hear their stories, and be inspired to try something that I never encountered before. Nobody leaves me and tells others about the incredible life I’ve lived. Rather, if they say anything at all, they can only report chatting with a stranger from another country. At least I enjoyed our time together and did not use them, as my ex would have done.
Haha about your kids. It reminds me that mine always said I was the “mean mom”, I had standards and expectations that her teachers didn’t have… and my ex used my expectations to persuade my child to align with him. What kid wouldn’t be attracted to someone who promised goodies for disobeying the “mean mom”!
NWHSOM, don’t be so sure that the people you encounter don’t leave thinking about how inspired they were by YOU. I think you underestimate yourself.
HM
Another beautiful story! Teaches us a good lesson to appreciate the little things in life and how it can impact others as well 🙂