UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
NWHSOM
I don’t find your experience means your selfish…it makes you have an interest in others…itoo have an interest in others and take what they say and would like to better myself..it means we are people who are willing to have patience and WANT to hear what others have to say.. It’s not about US as it would be for an N. now that’s f***ing selfish
Your ex was selfish to want to turn a child against her own mother. What father would want to take away the opportunity for his own child to grow and experience life with a mother? If the mother is unfit, and the father is normal…he’d protect her by keepin them apart. This was not your case. If he were a decent person he’s have allowed your daughter to know the good about her mother…very sad they stoop to that level and put a barrier between the two of you…
Joyce
Frauds and Ns need to be punished for their acts!
Thanks for the link, I will check it out 🙂
Jenna23
Regarding your cord cutting comment, the technique has value and does help with visualising the result you like to have but getting your head on board is a whole other problem because your thoughts keep throwing you back into it – give it a try and let me know how you go.
After having a week of pretty positive thoughts and not getting upset here I am today feeling just a bit on the down side. Rehashing things in my head and wondering why I haven’t heard back since Xmas, as though he is doing NC to me…last message between us made me feel I was in the wrong. He’d approached me after four months of me doing the NC. He apologized and said beautiful things and promised to keep things between us going, he’d regretted what he’s done to us and I fell for it!! Taking everything back the vey next day and saying it wouldn’t work out…making me feel as though I was begging him to come back, making me feel he needs to stay away from him because he feels bad communicating behind his wife’s back…omg like that was my plan! He gave me full intention his marriage was not worthy to work it out. I had told him if things weren’t working for him we need to discuss alot of things and that’s when he said it wouldn’t work, the very next day leaving me feeling guilty that I tried to make this work with us..
I go up and down with these thoughts of CD I suppose it’s called. I have not contacted him since and I won’t. It’s just that thought in my head as to WHY did he do this and make himself sound so righteous and I’m at fault here…is this a mindf**k game of his and/or manipulation?
I am sorry to start all over again and burden you all with this I just needed to get it out. It happens every cpl weeks I find. I will get there, I feel it on the horizon 🙂
And here’s me thinking I am the only one!!! 🙂
I went in the shop last night after cleaning my house all day and staying out of town. Now way woudl I see him at that time I thought……. You guessed it! There he was, buying beer to watch the match.
He came bounding up to me with a huge smile, saying ” come on, cheer up”
We talked. I gave him a piece of my mind!!! He said he had been angry at me for contacting him all the time. And I said “yeah, and I was angry at you for blatantly ignoring me”
I also told him a few things he had said. He said “did I say those things?” ( he even winced!,) then said ” I’m sorry”
He hugged me ( briefly)
Blah blah blah……..
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 9am.
I can away thinking…… Am I being hard on him?
But no……. I am going to go to the doctors and I am going to get some counselling.
I realised how easily he could get back at me. I am so weak.
I am not expecting him to call or text. But when / if he does I wanst to be stronger than I am right now!
This week is the hardest week ahead.
Last year we were skiing in the Alps ( a group of us)
We had the BEST time. There are so many memories going round in my head!!! I can’t believe he could hurt me like he has. And he thinks a quick sorry will fix it!!
He doesn’t want to engage with any discussion about it!
I know how you feel. I think these men have destroyed a part of us that will never be the Same.
(((Hugs))))
Elsa, you stated: “I am not expecting him to call or text. But when / if he does I wanst to be stronger than I am right now!”
You should NOT give him the chance to call/text…you BLOCK him NOW!! You block his phone number by asking the phone company to block him or changing your number, you block his emails by either blocking him or changing you email address all together.
It’s up to you if you want this man out of your life or not, not him. By not blocking him you are keeping the door wide open for him to appear in your life again. By taking to him in the store you are giving him info that he will use against you & you are letting him in your life again which will only bring chaos & disfunction. When you see him in a store simply walk away before he sees you. You have to make choices if you want peace or not. If you do then the No Contact Rule is the only way to have peace.
Good for you for seeking out counseling, you should be proud of this very important step in your healing journey!!
Elsa, I haven’t had time to read all the replies to your post, so I may be repeating what others have said, but because you came away asking yourself “am I being hard on him”, I’m going to give you some tough love here.
You over engaged him at the store. Giving him a piece of your mind does not give you a pass in this situation! You engaged him in a conversation (which you knew would give you no satisfaction) when a simple three words: Hello. Gotta go! would have done FINE. You are engaging in banter with him when you know it’s wrong.
He hugged you (briefly) and you said you pushed him off. You should be avoiding physical contact with him at all costs. This means using body language, backing away, blocking him with your purse, and saying clearly and firmly “do not touch me”.
You’re sending him mixed messages, and YOU are letting him into your life again by engaging him and not using the techniques you’ve learned here to cut him off and show him you mean business. He knows he’s got you, and he’s loving it.
What are you thinking? Your relationship with this man has turned your life upside down and is impacting your marriage in a negative way. You should be avoiding him like the plague! The thoughts you are having about him are inappropriate (happy memories of the Alps when he has made you so, so miserable) if you truly want to recover and preserve your marriage and sanity.
With regard to your doctors appointment, I hope you will be honest with her, so that she can refer you to the right therapist. Doctors are used to keeping information confidential. If you are cagey, and don’t tell the truth about what is going on with you, you may not get the right help. Therapy is going to help you so much in keeping your resolve to take proactive measures to keep this man out of your life. I worry about you, because he can ruin your life without thinking twice and you really need to be super careful.
janedoe
If you did not sever his ability to contact you, then you did not really go “NC”.
As long as you aren’t really implementing NC, then you are making yourself available for his mindgames, you make yourself open to his manipulation. NC closes those doors, but only if YOU implement true NC. That’s a choice and one you have not made yet. So you know what he does, and so far it’s painful to you, but not painful enough to stop for you to chose to stop him.
He is not going “NC” with you. He’s busy with his wife. Out of sight/out of mind. And when she annoys him, he contacted you. It’s his way of punishing her. He used you to punish her. That’s how he is made. That’s how he ended up with her. He used her to punish you, to give to her when he felt annoyed.
When you decide you don’t want to feel this way anymore, then and only then, will you chose differently.
In the meanwhile, I do understand. Hope is a very powerful feeling, it keeps us tied to the past. But in order for me to have a future, I chose to hope for something for ME, rather than HOPE for something for HIM.
Not what he says, I am in the same place. I have tried to go total NC but I work with him and I need to be more willing to let go and i am not. I need help because I am jealous of Amanda, and want what she has and I keep playing in my head what he is doing and when he takes off like he did with me and that what happens if it works out for him and amanda and now she has what I should have had with him. I know this is utter nonsense but this is what I am thinking. I am trying to hope for myself but when I think of all of this and what happened to me I keep asking why? was I not good enough what does amanda have that I dont. Then I saw he was looking at land to purchase for hunting. that is what amanda does hunts. she has a wall of 8 or 9 deer heads and she fishes and does all of that. I know he is doing that for her. His wife doesnt fish hunt or any of that stuff. Plus they have 2 children 2 and 4. She is taking care of them. I want to stop feeling jealous of other people and feel more confident abt myself. as soon as I see him i feel as though i wasnt good enough and she got the goods. I feel like he wont do this to her bcs he is acting all honest now and now is telling me that he is not sure he will do anything with me in the future after telling me he missed me, and he wanted to meet up and not to return the stuff I got for us. Can someone tell me how to stop the part of my brain that is feeling rejected and jealous. i hate this.
Inthemiddleofheartache, I am posting this link again in case you missed it.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
This gives an accurate view of what the next woman will get – and it is nothing to be jealous over. She did not get the goods!!! OMG he is a cheater and a user!
Your being discarded has nothing to do with you or anything about you! You are NOT not good enough! We get caught up in the little things (that one hunts! that one hates fishing!) and the reality is, it doesn’t matter. The fact that he is a married man with two toddlers and cheating is abhorrent. Imagine the pain his WIFE is feeling.
You can stop feeling this way by WANTING to stop, and then doing everything in your power to do that. I know it is harder said than done, because obsessive thinking almost did me in, but you CAN do it. There are lots of books and information on the internet to self-help you to get you started. Keeping yourself active and distracted with other things, telling yourself STOP! when the thoughts start pouring in, is a good start. The worst part for you is that you are forced to see him every day. The sooner you can get out of that job, the better.
PS – you say he is acting honest now. Good choice of words – it is an ACT. Designed to make you feel bad, manipulate you, keep you in limbo in case he has a spare minute when he is bored. He’s playing games all day long when he should be working!!
Thank you for your link. I am trying it is hard bcs i am moving and he was going to be a part of this. I am confused and I am working on my self esteem but this whole mess has really messed me up. I know that she is not better but i wanted to be the one he stayed with. I didnt want him to go back to his wife. I wanted him for me. I know he is a cheater but I didnt think to this magnitude. I am hoping by mid year to be transferred to another station so i wont be seeing him everyday. I will try not to think of him and when he is not working it is easier.
Inthemiddleofheartache, in case you missed the Grammy’s last night, please watch this short speech a victim of domestic abuse gave. It is powerful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJY-9SSDIR8
Authentic love does not devalue another human being. We need to get away from people who don’t honor and respect us.
Domestic abuse is not just being given a black eye by a drunk husband because we didn’t get dinner on the table on time. It is THIS, what you are going through, and what we all went through.
Enough is enough.
PS – I can empathize with you more than you know. I was moving and he was going to be a part of it too. We bought a dream home together and in less than 90 days, he bailed on the relationship leaving me holding the entire financial bag as well as the emotional devastation of the loss of the relationship. Kaya has told you this and I am too – he did you the biggest favor of your life.
I read the link and watched the video. I agree even though my situation was just a relationship and not marriage it still hurts the same. I should have been treated differently and yes it is in my head i wish i could get it out. but not having a good relationship with anyone at this point this was the only guy that i felt this connected with. I know it was just a game to him and that he never felt this way towards me but I believed him and he took my choice away being with the other girl amanda bcs that was the agreement. if he wanted to see someone else he needed to tell me. Little did i know he was back with his wife, and with amanda and being with me. I hate it that I am jealous and I am working on it but even sitting here right now I want that attention and the way he was with me before back again. I miss so much of that relationship bcs i never had it before. I am sad most of the time and yes with moving it makes it more difficult as I have not been living by myself for 8 years. I want this to go away and really not care what he is doing anymore.
Inthemiddle
My ex has become a stalker, I know its a different outcome to yours but! He’s trying every trick in the book to win me back including the love bombing, talking incessantly and talking over the top of me – he does not hear a word I say!
This has all worked to my advantage because I’m seeing the real him. I’m realising he’s been doing this the entire 14 years we were together, but I was so busy trying to fix it and not be the person he was accusing me of that I’m only seeing through it now…
I’ve tried everything to convince him that I’m not coming back (most of this communication was because I had to be involved) he doesn’t hear me because it’s all about him! Thank your lucky stars you got discarded because mine has become very creepy and things could get disastrous any day soon…
Not what he says, I am in the same place. I have tried to go total NC but I work with him and I need to be more willing to let go and i am not. I need help because I am jealous of Amanda, and want what she has and I keep playing in my head what he is doing and when he takes off like he did with me and that what happens if it works out for him and amanda and now she has what I should have had with him. I know this is utter nonsense but this is what I am thinking. I am trying to hope for myself but when I think of all of this and what happened to me I keep asking why? was I not good enough what does amanda have that I dont. Then I saw he was looking at land to purchase for hunting. that is what amanda does hunts. she has a wall of 8 or 9 deer heads and she fishes and does all of that. I know he is doing that for her. His wife doesnt fish hunt or any of that stuff. Plus they have 2 children 2 and 4. She is taking care of them. I want to stop feeling jealous of other people and feel more confident abt myself. as soon as I see him i feel as though i wasnt good enough and she got the goods. I feel like he wont do this to her bcs he is acting all honest now and now is telling me that he is not sure he will do anything with me in the future after telling me he missed me, and he wanted to meet up and not to return the stuff I got for us. Can someone tell me how to stop the part of my brain that is feeling rejected and jealous. i hate this.
Thats me too. He says he wants me then he doesnt. then he still wants to play a game on the phone with me and hes doing other things. I know he is mind f***ing me but I want to find out why i still dont know why i wasnt good enough for him.
Inthemiddleofheartache,
1. You were NOT not good enough for him. You are TOO GOOD for him.
2. There is nothing to find out”there are no answers. That is one of the keys to recovery, accepting that there are no answers, because they don’t do anything or feel anything like a normal person.
3. If he had “stayed” with you, it would only lead to more certain harm to you. I am living proof. My ex upped the ante every time he discarded me and then came back, and it only lead my mind into more confusion (yes, it can get WAY worse than how you are feeling now) and los.
4. Do you really want to be with a man who is married with two little kids!? That can lead to NO GOOD even if he is the most wonderful man on earth. HE’S NOT AVAILABLE.
5. He’s going to play these games with you until he gets bored and starts playing them with someone new. Then he’ll probably dangle THAT under your nose. Stop letting him do that to you.
6. One of you is going to end up getting fired.
We are not doing anything at work. We really didnt here anyway but he doesnt want anything from me anymore. before he said he still did and he wanted to leave his wife and we would resume our relationship. he says he does not have contact with amanda but i know he does. I just want back what I thought we had. I feel horrible about myself and I do feel bad for the wife. I didnt take him away from her. He said he didnt want to be with her and was seperated. I was not the one sleeping with her husband when amanda was there. amanda was with him. I just hate the way if feel abt all of it and miss the attention i got from him. I hate the feelings of jealousy and wondering what he is doing and why he did this what can i change abt myself so he will want me. I know I need to stop with this but my brain keeps trying to fix it and figure it out.
inthemiddle
exactly!!! we miss the attention we got from them”so do i..all those sweet words and the time spent together, all the promises we made to one another and places we would go to and see, all the future plans”i miss all of that
so why was he making all these promises to me, a week before getting married to someone else??? because he didn’t mean a word of it”because he is a fraud and a liar and says what is good for him at the moment..he didn’t think how everything we discussed and laughed over and all our special moments together, would even hurt me once he got married a week later, because he meant none of it”he didn’t even think about if it would devastate me by doing what he did to me..not for a minute or else he wouldn’t have done it OR he would have told me much before he was doing it..
all my emails about how hurt i was never got an answer”i was left dangling there as if i didn’t exist”then only one day many months later, when he was bored or maybe knew he had done something wrong, did he finally contact me..not because i contacted him, but because he needed to hear that i still loved him and would want him back, I’m sure..he took nothing i said to him when he dumped me, seriously they do what is good for them at that particular moment”the attention for you and i that we received is not authentic attention, its fake”you and i will come to terms eventually and see them as disgusting pigs. and when you realize he will get bored with amanda, he will do the same as he did to you”and then there will be another woman in line..its a long process hon, but we will look at them with disgust very soon”we wouldn’t be on this site if we knew they were good men
Undertheradar
This is where the confusion hits me at times. I hear everyone’s stories and I didn’t have that treatment. He didn’t put me down and make me feel ashamed. He was too complimentative that it seemed “fake”. It’s things like this that make me have the feelings of WHY? When he tells me there is nothing wrong with me that made him choose another woman over me I ask WHY? Yes of course our relationship was built on him cheating and lies but my goodness he made himself sound so loving and thoughtful when he’d apologize…do you think the “being nice” is a way to make himself look good and not such a bad guy? Maybe he knows he’s an N/S and is trying to fool me that he isn’t? Because he apologizes and praises me but on the other hand was a lying cheating bastard…maybe he’s a lot smarter than I give him credit for and he knows how to play the game in his twisted head? He tries to make me believe him with his kind words and almost takes responsibility for his actions. It almost reminds me of a salesman trying to sell a cheesy product sometimes
Janedoe
I’ve often read someone’s account and started to question myself but my situation is different so I’m getting a different reaction. My spath has to play the devoted husband and father to look good in the eyes of the law, he was the law, so he knows that they’ll be watching him and listening in on every call he makes – he told me that That is how they’ll investigate the allegations against him.
“What if I’m wrong” is just a trained response from me and I need to unlearn it!
I wish he was pursuing me and only if he was not with the wife. I feel worse because of all the mind games. I dont know why he is doing this to me. Why not just leave me alone permanently not say use me for a referral for this group I am joining, why say dont return the stuff you got, why do you still want to play the dice game on the phone if we are done. Does he think i want to continue like this stuff never happened and he did what he did. He will make comments but when I confront him to ask for clarity he doesnt want to discuss it at work but he never speaks to me anywhere else. I am totally confused. It feels like he still is interested. he did say that he may never do this again. is that with me or with anyone. what is wrong???
inthemiddle
there is nothing wrong with you”
but you do have to stop making yourself sound as though you are available to him if he should come around”after what he did, do you really want him?? why?? so you can always wonder if he is thinking about being with amanda or his wife, where he should be??? this will not make you feel any better, believe me, not when there is more than you involved”
i am in a very similar situation, i have my doubts as well that i rant on about. BUT i do know that mine is bad for me, he has lied, cheated, conned women and screwed around with many behind my back”yours has done the same. you don’t know that amanda is the only one he has messed around with either”they lie all the time!!
i too want to hear back from mine after he abruptly left me to marry a young girl far far away”to tell this story to someone who isn’t involved in my situation, they think he is disgusting and sneaky and a con”if someone other than myself thinks this way, thats a big red flag”its the same in your situation”he is mind***king you as well”
mine has recently approached me to apologize and wants me back”.i fell for it!! BULLCRAP!!! i haven’t heard back once since xmas”we need to be shaken and come to our senses these men are out to play with our heads for their OWN good”perhaps they feel better when they are “nice” to the ones they abused, but they aren’t better, they don’t mean a thing they say, nor do they remember any of the things they say when they are involved with someone else”
amanda is not in a better situation, she will also get hurt the same way as you”there are children and a wife involved..i don’t think by the way he flips his stories around, he is leaving her anytime soon”another big red flag!!
take the advice from everyone here, they aren’t in your shoes at the moment and they see where this is heading for you!!
its ok to have your doubts, shit i do all the time and am sure i drive everyone crazy here, but i need their advice and their guidance because it opens our eyes to these very very bad men”don’t play the dice game either, concentrate on your move and let him go hunting with amanda, i would be afraid to go with him anyway, who knows what he’d do”
Janedoe, great post! You mentioned dignity, and you hit the nail on the head! I have been there, and hearing that Inthemiddle asked him for clarity just made me wince.
I had episodes of no dignity or pride when I was with my ex, and they are VERY painful to recall. I am very proud of the fact that when he pulled the rug out from under my life for the final time, I gave him NO satisfaction, when he engineered the whole thing to be such a devastating loss for me that he knew I’d have no choice but to come crawling back to him. When I didn’t, he upped the ante and gave me a “hint” of what might get me back in his good graces and I ignored it. I froze him out and he turned his full time attention elsewhere to get his jollies. F**k him.
Inthemiddleofheartache, try this. Read your posts as if they were written by another person and be objective – what advice would you give them.
As long as you are wishing for something different than what is, or what will ever be, you will keep yourself in this torment.
We have all told you why he is doing this to you – he’s toying with you for his own amusement and keeping you on the string because he gets pleasure out of manipulating and controlling you. He’s getting your attention out of it (confronting him and asking him for clarity), which feeds him and keeps him coming back for more”when he’s available, which is at work, since he’s off with other women when he’s outside of work. He knows full well how you feel about him and how much you want him. Your continued contact with him just perpetuates your addiction to him and this is why you ask the same questions over and over.
It feels like he is still interested because that’s how he wants you to feel. He has you essentially handcuffed and unable to live your own life by throwing you a small crumb or two (sweetheart, him still playing a dice game with you on the phone does not mean he is in a relationship with you, please stop playing with him), while he is married with two kids and off hunting with this Amanda.
What is wrong is that you’re not accepting reality and that is keeping you confused. He is still talking to you at work because it is a time killer for him, it gives him pleasure to see you squirm and ask for clarity; it’s basically entertainment for him. That is all.
You need to be brutally honest with yourself, and you can’t as long as you are wishing it was different. I sure don’t want you to get to June with your degree and have better job opportunities and turn them down because you want to stay where you are so you can keep seeing him daily in case he’s still interested. This is where you’re headed right now.
It’s such a hard lesson for us to learn, to walk away. You just got divorced, right? And moving into another place on your own? Make this time about you, omg the sky is the limit for you! Use the time to get your head on straight, finish your degree and make plans for YOURSELF. I promise you, all the rest will fall into place. Find a goal that will enhance YOUR life and work on it for yourself!
I know this is hard, and you can find a million reasons not to do it, but trust me, you will feel so much better!
in the middle
HM is right”listen to whats being given to you”
Think of your dignity for a moment, do you want him to feed off the fact that you want to know why he has done this to you? do you want him to know after the rotten things he has done, that you would be willing to take him back??? he is loving this that it makes you nuts and that you will go to any length to have him!! you must respect yourself..do not stoop down to his level and make yourself look desperate to want someone back like this..i am reading my advice to you and its pretty good..it makes me think “yuck what a piece of shit”
it does feel good and it is an eye opener, when seeing someone else going through this, and i am able to give advice..you too can do this to others who need advice, just start by seeing him for what he is 🙂
in the middle
sorry i didn’t mean it feels good to see you going through this”i meant i feel good by being able to give advice..sorry for that
Thank you for your comments. I am trying to be strong and not think of him but at every turn there is something. I am not going to play the game and it is hard at work not to speak to him. I hate the way i feel when I am around him bcs that tension is still there. I go in 2 weeks to look at the new apt. There is so much going on all at once. I am alone so no one but all of you to speak with it about. I also realized that my NP is also a Poly NP. All the things I read about that too give me a clear indicator that he was not into me just used me. I want him to be sorry for what he did to me and how he used me. I need to move on and it seems so slow. I want to be over him yesterday but that is not happening. I wish i could tell my brain shut up abt it but I keep going on abt what he is doing. I know she is doing with him what i did. except he is back with his wife. i know it is disgusting that he was canoodling with amanda in the same house as his wife and they both were ok with it. It still goes back to me in my head that if i was the right one he would be with me and want me. I know i should not be jealous but the funny thing is i have always been cheated on and my ex husband was emotionally unavailable and emotional manipulator. I hope once I move into the apt these feelings will subside. I ask everyones patience with me bcs I really cared abt him. I really did. My other ex friend said it was just canoodling but it wasnt. I am pasting what I read abt a poly:
To that end, I’m tired of narcissistic “poly” people who do the “romantic” thing, who prey on other’s deepest desires, just to evoke adoration, stroke their own egos, and to get a rush from someone “falling” for them, but they don’t want to be responsible for the consequences. Especially those that KNOW full well what they are doing, and still continue to do it, all the while complaining about the *inconvenience* of the after effect:
this is what NP did to me. I was an inconvenience to him after I told him I loved him but he kept coming back. I wish i could not recall the euphoria i felt when we were together. I want to work on myself and put this behind me. Granted he has not said anything recently or mentioned anything to me abt getg together again or seeing me. so my guess it is truly over for him just not me. I feel like this is the final discard and there wont be any justice for me for what has happened. he gets to go around all day at work proud as a peacock bcs hes the man all the while I am dying inside of the pain of what he did to me. Not using a condom being with amanda and wife i guess and lying continual lying. when will he get his….
HM
thanks for the compliment HM thats a lot coming from someone who is full of valued advice 🙂
all i can picture is begging the N to rethink his decision and how pathetic i would look begging and crying”i didn’t go to that extent, but i could have and thats not a pretty picture”why?? so he can leave me anyway?? i wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having his last memory of me begging him to stay with me”
it may have been different had i been married as you were, there is a lot more at risk in that situation.
but for in the middle and i, being a dupers fantasy, we can’t give them the satisfaction!!
Here is a great quote I came across somewhere:
When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation.
Good advice.
Janedoe, I wasn’t married to mine. We were together 7 years, never married, never lived together full time. We were taking that step with buying the house together.
Up until that point, I thought I was protecting myself by keeping my own home and not being married.
What a joke.
Jane doe
I think he is trying to keep you on the “back burner” for just in case his marriage won’t work out. Every so often hd tells you he is “starving “. You throw some ego kibbles his way and hd is satisfied. Hd now knows that he still has a hold on you and he still has the power to confuse you a little and give you a glimmer of hope.
My ex used to do that after the discard occasionally. Like text me “how is everything ?” “Excuse me, you left your family for the little co worker , cut us off financially , left me in ruins and then asks how is everything. ”
That’s how they work. It gives them the pleasure of power and control. And that is what they feed off. I call it the “ego kibbles”. Take them away and only a shell of them is left, powerless and pitiful.
Kaya
Even if they take responsibility for what they’ve done to us, you think they know what they are doing?
Mine doesn’t need to keep making contact with me every so often, we have nothing to tie us together..maybe at some point captain American felt he needed to keep up the righteous image of father and husband so he wouldn’t look all to blame?
Elsa
I guess you have a similar situation, mine was a physical relationship so there’s the difference there
What yours did last night is similar to what mine would do..instead of explaining what he’d done wrong it was turned around on me. Don’t these men take life seriously, at all?
This is a definition of a player or a con artist in my books. I think they know the game better than we think
Good for you, go to the doctor and tell him/her everything about this man, I’m curious to hear what they say.
At least you have a clean house to start the week 😉
Living in such a small place with a local doctor it’s hard becasue everyone knows everyone! So, I am going to the doctor and I am just going to ask to be referred to a counsellor ( who hopefully doesn’t live her too!)
I know its all confidential etc but that is hard when you know people so well.
I ahev also downloaded a Mindfulness app and am going to work on my internal wellbeing! X
Elsa
Honestly , did you feel better after you talked to him or more confused ? He is playing you and you follow his game rules. Hugging him? I not sure if that’s a wise move. I know I did the same mistakes after my discard. But never realized that it gave me more intense pain More pain than going no cobtact. I just want to help you to not make the same mistakes. Mini discards hurt sometimes more than the final discard.
It has been a. Strange day.
I didn’t hug him, I pushed him off and he said ” come on, don’t be like that”
I wondered if I woudl sleep last night like I usually do when our conflicts get resolved. But no!! I still woke up at 00.10 just the same as every other night. In. Strange way, I found that quite comforting because I realised he hadn’t actually made me feel any better on the inside!
I am still on NC and remaining so! And I am not expecting him to call me!
I didn’t like that awful harshness he displayed even when we met in the street, he was visibly angry!
I dont think he remembers what he says, good or bad. And he certainly doesn’t recognise the impact of his actions.
I don’t need him!! I may want him…. And that’s the problem I have to work on!!
He has moved on from me but he still expects me to “smile and wave”
I do think his discard was the final one!
Jane doe
You are right. Cpt America still needed to portray the perfect father. He so much failed at that. I am sure he keeps it a secret that his son does not talk to him. Otherwise people would look down at him.
I think your ex still likes that you are an “option” to him. In his mind it makes him irrestible. He can contact you, tell you a sad story and still gets a reaction.
They are all so evil. I know now that my ex only married me for image purposes. It looked better to be a sgt on the army with a family than being a single pervert.
Elsa
I know your story is a little different as you have a husband and you feel this attachment to this other man. I agree with that you should change your phone no and email adress. At least it will limit your cobtact with him as you live in a small town .
Going and REMAINING NO CONTACT was the only way to get this ex husband out of my heart and out of my life. I would not be where I am today, enjoying life, without the no contact. Even my lawyer advised me to not communicate with the ex in any way. His words “I know you think I want to make money out of you, but the truth is this evil guy with come with charges against you , and maybe I won’t be able to save you this time. Don’t talk to him.”
I thought very hard about his words. A lawyer who is used to the worst criminals. He knows what he is talking about.
Elsa please be careful.