UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
You know how he leaves you with all the bills and no care in the world ? I will quote my attorney “because he can”. And that’s the truth. In my case I was able to put a stop to it through motions my attorney filed in court . Until then he was able to do whatever he pleased to do, including spending his army retirement , his monthly pay and whatever else he received. He didn’t care one second what my son and I ate, what we lived of. His pleasure was more important than the welfare of his only child. And that’s what I call the devil.
One of my ex’s favorite sayings about why he did certain things was “because I can”. Chilling, isn’t it? They ARE the devil, and should be treated accordingly. Entertaining even one word from them in any form is risking everything.
HanaleiMoon…it is chilling and I have something to add to what you said. There was another woman in a triangle with me and when I asked her why he was so messed up…why does he do all the things he does…she said, “Because we let him.” She was sooooo right! It goes along with your ex saying “Because I can.” Exactly…they “can” because we “let” them! That is a GREAT thought for today for anyone here who is struggling. They only “can” if you “let” them. Remember that!
Yes SER, they only have control because we gave it to them. No Contact is us having control and cutting their puppet master strings.
Bally…yes, that is right!!
Taralev
Hanalei is so right. You cannot nor will you win his game. He has the upper hand, that’s why you cannot join this game.
I used to email my ex, almost begging for him to come home, calling him trying to change his mind. You know what his answer was : An injunction for protection against domestic violence. That was his answer. I know him being a cop it was easy to obtain and it was dismissed by the judge in our court hearing. (Like I said thanks to my attorney and a judge who saw the truth) .
But do you see where it could get you? I learned from it. Don’t repeat my mistake please. Had I known about lovefraud it could have saved me 1400$ lawyer costs and many sleepness nights before the hearing.
Taralev
SER is so right. What would you do if he decided to come back to you ? Be at the receiving end of more lying, cheating, blaming and so on. Also to always have to worry that he could walk out on you again?
I used to tell my mom “but I want him to come back to me, we are married over 20 years “?
Now, I cars not believe I said that. You will get through it. It’s just so painful, I know.
Thank you SER
Yes they can do it because we let them. That is so true. That is a good thought for today and I think for Taralev. I stopped letting him over a year ago. I wanted to show my son that certain actions in life have consequences. Staying with a cheater and liar shows your children that’s it’s ok to treat people like that.
Also someone asked me once “you are such a smart, beautiful woman , why do you let someone disrespect you like that? ”
That’s so true. I should have never, ever giving him another chance when I found that nude photo exchange with the co worker. If I could undo the past I would have filed for divorce the minute I caught him in his lies about the photos. Oh well, the past is gone. I just filed 10 months later. :).
Notwhathesaid,
I am truly impressed about your comment. It is so true and I hope people like taraslev will see it.
My ex said he had to discard me after 20 years marriage because I was “so emotional and mental ” the night I found out about his minions at work. He had no other choice then leave. I found out that he already searched for appartments 3 or 4 months before that. They plan their exit do strategically so they can blame and accuse. And we fall for it .
No contact means no control for them. It’s amazing how much better and healthy I feel since I started no contact. (About one year now)
You actually “win” because now he cannot get any reaction or recognition out of you. They hate it. My counselor always said “the devil hates to be ignored, so do not engage with him, don’t invite him to sit on your couch”. And that is true.
I know my ex is evil and only looking out for himself. Like someone said they look at children as property that can be disposed of. They might hate the loss of portraying a “perfect” father. To me he wasn’t a father. A true, loving father would not intentionally cause so much pain to the woman who have him this child.
Taralev I am so sorry you in the midst of this storm. Keep your head above the waves and stay strong. Please don’t talk to him or see him.
kaya, I might have written about it here before, but the last time I saw my ex, he had flown in for a job interview in the town our new dream home was in. I had been there on my own for just under 3 months, doing everything to make it perfect for him. After his interview, he upped the ante for me by telling me that once he got the job, we would be in a position to make some further dreams come true for us in short order. He had me flying high…everything I had dreamed of and more was in my reach. The next day he created a shitstorm over nothing and then proceeded to criticize everything I had done in the house, up to and including the fact that he could see the pots and pans on the stove from where we were eating dinner and obviously I hadn’t figured out how to manage that yet. That day he pushed until he had me in a complete mental/emotional breakdown, which he used as his excuse to discard me. He continued on that theme in the few exchanges we had before I went NC, told me I was no different than the others, completely changing and going mental on him after I had his signature on the dotted line and kindly gave me the opportunity to find a way to begin to mend the fences with him. Of course he had it planned out, he already had his next victim in place before the ink was dry on the dotted line and it was worth it to him to spend the money to fly out and interview for a job he had no intention of taking if offered to make a big show of it to blame me.
I will never get over my amazement that all these monsters use the same tactics. How does that even happen!?
HanaleiMoon…are you still around? I hope you are OK.
I was wondering too..
Thanks for thinking of me…still around. Had to have my brother arrested for being drunk and out of control at my mom’s house…the stress of the aftermath of that has had me wiped out for days. He was out in about 9 hours and came home…drunk. Bright side (I guess), no time to worry about myself. Sigh.
HanaleiMoon…oh, that’s awful!! Family drama like this is no fun and extremely stressful. I have experienced it, too. My brother is extremely verbally abusive to our elderly mother…I hate when he does it, but I cannot control him. It makes me feel so bad so I know where you are coming from. Take care of yourself, OK?
SER, I wouldn’t wish this heartbreak on anyone. My brother is a chronic alcoholic who at 51 has never left home, does not work and does not contribute. After the discard and getting the house sold, I returned to this state (the one I wanted to leave) to be close to my mom and it has been hell. I need to get my life settled and on track. At the same time, my mom is in over her head financially and with the responsibilities of the house (she is 84) and dealing with my brother. It is time for her to make some changes, and she is very codependent. My brother is flipping out with me nearby, fearing that his gravy train will be derailed. Doing my best to take care of myself, but wobbly. Want to run, can’t run.
HanaleiMoon…I am so sorry. It’s a shame he takes advantage of your mother like that. The family dynamics for my brother, my mom and me are also a mess, but I do not live there. I actually have two brothers who live near her and then I am 400 miles away, but I talk to her multiple times a day and drive there every couple months. She has dementia and we finally have someone who comes in and watches after her six hours Monday thru Friday, but my brother will scream and swear at her right in front of the caregivers. He doesn’t care. It’s awful and then she calls me crying about it and then my heart breaks because I know my nearly 80 year old mother is being abused, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I can’t control my brother and I can’t bring her to live with me (even though she begs me to and then I feel EXTREMELY guilty) because I am not equipped or trained to deal with her dementia/Alzheimer’s. She is getting closer and closer to having to go to a facility, but we do not want to put her in a facility. Then she complains constantly that no one wants her and no one wants to take care of her, but we are taking care of her by having someone come in everyday (a lot of times she doesn’t even remember someone had been there). It’s an awful situation and we have been dealing with it for years…not weeks or months, but years and we are all at the end of our ropes. I hate it and it’s a huge stressor for me and for my brothers. She’s miserable and we are miserable.
Sounds like you are kind of in the same boat as far as not being able to control your brother’s actions. We can’t. We can’t control anyone but ourselves and that is what is hard. I am not a controlling person anyway. It seems like there is always something to make us upset. I try really hard to still have my joy amidst all the clatter. It’s REALLY hard sometimes. I do better sometimes than others. Hang in there.
SER, thanks for sharing your experience. My family has been dealing with my brothers alcoholism for around 35 years. I was able to distance myself from it for many years but my dad died 14 years ago and I needed to start to be around more, since there is no other family.
He has gotten exponentially worse in the past few years, and although my mom is healthy in all ways at this time, she is slowing down and she can’t handle the stress like she used to. It is time to make some changes and she wants to, but is held hostage by her codependence.
I am burning to make some solid decisions for myself now that I am free of my ties to the psychopath and just when I got free, the heat got turned up on this family situation and I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I do know I can only control myself. I have been going to alanon and it helps. I am giving my mom options and doing my best to be neutral. Thanks again for your support!
HanaleiMoon…same here. We have been dealing with my brother’s behavior his whole life and our lives. Yeah, your poor mom is 84…that is no spring chicken. I hate to hear that she has to deal with that. It breaks my heart because I think of what my mom puts up with and that breaks my heart, too. So is your brother in jail? You said you had him arrested so I wasn’t sure of the outcome. Please keep us posted.
SER, they were only able to take him in for drunk in public so he was out when he sobered up, about 9 hours. As you might imagine, he is furious at me. I spent the day with my mom today talking about options. I imagine this would be hard for her even under the best of circumstances. Tough, tough day.
HanaleiMoon…so sorry. 🙁 I can imagine that he is furious, but perhaps someday he’ll thank you.
Taralav, everyone here has pointed out the patterns of pyschopathic behaviour to you. In your reading you will discover what you are experiencing is predicted and to be expected. And as your LoveFraud friends have pointed out, there are those oxytocin chemicals in the brain keeping you addicted to him.
The final time the psychopath cheated on me felt different….he kept it secret of course but he was cheating…..it felt different because he no longer was contacting me when he had initiated all contact in the past. When I told him I knew he was cheating as his old cheating patterns of behaviour were back, he flew into a terrible rage which was to control me to not challenge him. Never challenge a psychopath. I was now just an obstacle in the way of his new target. The last text I had sent him he responded 6 hours later saying my text had been delayed in coming through. I never responded and he never followed up. That was so unusual because he use to bombard me with texts. It was the final piece of evidence I needed that he was cheating only this time I knew I was no longer his “princess”. That’s why It felt different. I had gone through the devaluation stage without realising it. That was the end – it was that simple – he never followed up and I saw it as an opportunity to be rid of him. It was that easy. He did boomerang back a year later but I started reading on psychopathy then and I was therefore prepared for that to happen and ignored him. He tried for 7 months then gave up.
Now had I of started to try and cling to him and force him to put me on my rightful princess throne again, he would have played with me like your psychopath is playing with you. He would have called me the crazy one to his new woman and used my despair to manipulate his new woman into thinking he was that special for me to go nuts over.
But he didn’t get the opportunity because I saw it as an opportunity to get the lying, cheating scoundrel out if my life. There were no final words to end the “relationship” from either of us.
What was I saying to myself at the time to be able to walk away with ease and relief? I reflected on why I let him into my life…it was purely because he made me feel good about myself as the lovebombing lasted a long time. Then I reflected on his lying, conning and deceiving and actually realised I felt nothing for him. I reflected on how I was feeling a that moment – knowing I was no longer the princess and that I’d been knocked off my throne. I no longer felt good so there was no point in having him in my life.
I also thought that if he wanted to be with his new princess then I wasn’t going to stand in his way. I had my pride and I still had my dignity.
Taralav, you cannot force someone to be with you who doesn’t want to be with you. Especially a psychopath because they never bonded with you in the first place.
Let the psychopath go. He doesn’t want you. He only wants to torment you. Cut his puppet master strings. Recover and go find yourself again.
Taralav, just heading to bed and checking how you are today? Can you go to work and get some company? Are the meds kicking in yet?
Tami, trust you are coming to terms with things and you are coping?
Thanks, Annette…this is absolutely true.
Taralav and Tami, it is the early hours here (night time) so just a quick line to ask how you both are and what has been happening to you both the last few days?
Bally- I am here, and hanging in there..sorry I have had no time to reply. SO much has happened..but most important my son graduated! So that was a good thing..lots of other crap with that jerk though..thank you for checking on us
So- I am still struggling with the no contact. It has gotten a lot better, I am on meds that are slowly making me feel a tiny bit better. Not so anxious although I am still crying a lot. Wednesday was my sons graduation day. Also- it was HIS 38th birthday. I was just stuggling thru the day..it started in the morning..I told myself I was going to put all my focus on my son.
My dad was in town from florida- so I tried to pull it together. 9ish am- my cell rings..its the jerk. I pick up after 3rd ring and I said “WHAT”. I hear jumbling..then talking. I realize then I was pocket dialed. and im hearing HIM AND HIS NEW VICTIM talking. I hear a whole convo..now hes supposed to be at work. But hes in bed with her. He says in a voice sounding very slang (not how ive ever heard him talk ) ” Girl I blacked out last night but I know you fuc## the shi## out of me” ..then I hear her laughing telling him to shut the fu## up” playing around..i continued to listen as I am crying..just some bs talk about them back and forth.
Then I hear her say “I gave you a 36 second lick for your 36 bday”. Really. HES NOT 36. UGHHHHHHHHH it made me so mad..not had he ruined the start of my day hes lying already to this tramp.
I proceeded to send him a text.and told him he was a pig and I heard the whole convo. he is a sicko..i cant believe I have been trashed in the gutter..and he is completely moved on. He said he wished he could have been at my sons graduation and sent a long text to me and said to forward to my son (since I blocked his number from my son).
It just is still so painful. I feel more like I am getting mad..rather then sad. But it still hurts..i want this girl to know the truth. He is just happy as can be..and im alone for the first time in 6 years..my son is going to florida with his grandfather for 2 months..and it all is too much. I had a family..his kids..im just alone now.