UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Nwhsom
I didn’t mean to say he wasn’t an S. I thought maybe through his eyes he tried to be the opposite of what an S Does that way, knowing that he is one, he won’t look like one?? Hence him being apologetic when he messaged me at Xmas saying he was so sorry for treating me the way he had…basically he is an S Trying to outsmart me by pretending not to be..odd because I remember him writing a paper on famous psychopaths not too long ago for a course he took in psych. Maybe he’s fully aware of disorders..
wow what a wackjob!
Hanalei
Once again you are giving such excellent advice to Elsa . It’s an honor for me to read tour posts. I don’t jusgd anyone but I honestly think that Elsa is walking on “thin ice” with this guy. she is risking her marriage for someone who does not care one bit about her. He is an evil being and she hopes he will change. Elsa HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Believe me. I tried so hard to see a change in my ex. It won’t happen , ever. Instead mine got more and more evil, serving Satan 24/7.
Elsa
Please take Hanalei’s advice and be 100 percent honest with your doctor /counselor. HIPPA protects you. Nobody will find out what you talk about. If you truly want help than you need to stop trying to see any good in this man. There is none. Why are you letting him treat you like garbage? And asking for more? I have been there for about 3 months after being discarded but there must come a time when you wake up and focus on you. Not on him. All this time I was crying over my ex, I will never get that time back. You can never heal if you are so concerned about this guy. Can you talk to tour husband about it ? See your marriage as an advantage. As a blessing. As a solid rock. Don’t downgrade your marriage. Look at it as the most important thing in your life and let the loser go and be evil. Not your concern.
Kaya, I am humbled, I see us as a team here. I try not to judge also, but I agree with you so much that Elsa is walking on thin ice and I’m happy to risk offending her if it has any hope of getting through to her. She is in agony, as we all were. I am afraid for her.
Thanks Hanalei , I feel the same way.
A bible verse I heard today is so appropriate for all these evil beings :
Revacation 21:8
” But the fearful, and unbelieving , and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers , and idolaters , and all LIARS, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.”
Also a great quote for the new week :
“AND IF I COULD TELL YOU ONE THING IT WOULD BE THIS: YOU ARE NEVER AS BROKEN AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. SURE, YOU HAVE A FEW SCARS AND SOME PAINFUL MEMORIES—BUT THEN AGAIN, ALL HEROES DO”.
I shouldn’t be reading this at 4am!!
I hear you all
I didn’t think I handled that well in the shop
I tell you all what it did
I
It confirmed the the is a sociopath
I wasn’t taken I by his charm or by his empty words
Ism talking to my husband everyday
But I am still sore about what happened and admit to being torn
But I am not going back there
I no longer want to confide in him
He is untrustworthy and deceitful etc etc ROTC
PTSD? Not sure
But the insomnia is getting to me! I wouldn’t say I have hallucinations but need help to heal, mostly to help me stay strong never to fall for his crap again!
elsa
I think you handled things in the shop just as anyone would.
How much practice do you think the normal public has when confronted with a brazen stalker? That’s criminal behavior! What he did was an assault, he acted ENTITLED to put his hands on you, to invade your personal space and force a physical act on you. You didn’t invite him to hug you. He showed that he is not leaving you alone even though he KNOWS his behavior is unwanted. He’s like a cat playing with his prey.
I don’t know where you are with your project but I hope there is a way to cut him out of it. And for sure, NO to recommendations! That puts way too much power in his hands!!!
Insomnia comes from stress. Perhaps your heath care provider might recommend antianxiety meds for a short time. A therapist will go a long way to helping you to find strategies to protect yourself, emotionally and physically.
Good for you for taking the positive step to seeing a doctor and getting help. Some things are not achieved by willpower, because they don’t come from US. Kaya48 and HanaleiMoon… great advice and care. They are your blessings elsa.
He took himself out of my project last summer. But even until recently he was going on and on about how fantastic it was, telling visitors to the town etc about it. That made me mad even when we were supposedly on decent enough terms.
I dont make him privy to any information about it now, have not done for a good whie. But of course when things happen it is in the public domain.
there will be a news bulletin in the newspaper next weekend . I know he gets that paper , it is the one all locals read. Annoying to think he will sit and read about it over his breakfast!!!
I had sleeping pills in August. The doctor would only give me two weeks worth as she said they were addictive. They got me over a much worse spell than now.
I was awful in August, heartbroken.
I am angry now. And I have been reading the psychopath free book on my kindle and I know I am moving through the stages of recovery. ( not quickly enough) BUT I am going to heal. I know it’s not about putting a brave face on it. I do feel that I ahev been emotionally raped/ violated and am deeply scarred.
I went to the doctors.
Told her about it all. Of course she remembered me sitting there in AUgust a complete wreck but I hadn’t disclosed any of it to there then, just told her something had happened and I wasn’t sleeping.
She is referring me for counselling and said I was doing he right thing.
I named him to her ( he is one of her patients as well) and told her that I think he’s a sociopath!!
I told her I need to move on, forgive myself, stop blaming myself etc. And I told her I wasn’t a wreck but I just feel really sad deep down and that I have been played like a puppet.
She knows me well. Been my doctor for over 25 years. She knows I am a pretty stable person. ( usually!!!)
I suppose it is a bit different here in the UK. Counselling via the health sevice is free. She said it is usually a six week initial course of therapy, starting with an assessemnt to decide the best kind of counselling for me!
elsa
good for you telling the doctor all of your thoughts”it doesn’t matter that you named him, she will not speak about it with others, it is not proper etiquette for a professional doctor to do so, that should be the last of your worries..now move forward and see that the other doctor will tell you..she will tell you what we all tell you her”IT ISNT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO FORGIVE YOURSELF”you see what he has done to you??? they manipulate our brains in such a way to turn things on us, i know mine has in quite a few instances”
Hanalei
I do watch the Grammys and that powerful speech. It was so true, every word of it. It brought tears into my eyes because it applied to all of us here.
My son said “if he heard that speech he would say “what a crazy b…,,, it’s all in he head”. Exactly that would the words and reaction of my ex.
Loved , valued and respected. He did none of this. He did the opposite. He wanted me dead. Aren’t we all lucky we are still here on this earth and being able to post here ?? I take it as the biggest blessing.
Kaya
Your son is very wise, he is also a blessing ♥
Elsa, I am so proud of you for getting a counseling referral & for telling your doctor the whole truth. Good people dont like to talk bad about other people. But when it comes to dealing with a sociopath it is vitally important to tell others your truth. Remember sociopaths know most people will remain silent about their horrible behavior…they are counting on this, this is how they keep abusing people over and over. So when a strong person like yourself speak up and says I will not be silences that is very powerful!! Elsa you are taking back your power!
Thanks jan
I feel stronger than I perhaps cone accross on here! As long as o don’t see him I will get better. It certainly is an addiction. I feel that so much.
inthemiddle
i know how you feel i truly truly do, i am still there, maybe a little bit further ahead, but i ask myself why constantly..or how come he chose her, all the time”i think i got bored of asking myself those questions because i wasn’t getting a response from him”because he has no answer for looking like a complete idiot”
it gives me some sanity at times when i think back to how he spoke of her..very badly and unkind..he could have done that to play mind games with me, but somehow it gave me peace knowing if he is degrading this girl the way he is, that is his subconscious speaking, he must think these things of her”of course i feel bad for her because he speaks like that, but it confirms to me that he isn’t all there, he doesn’t have a normal brain and wants to be with her for what?? his own ego”he’s missing something in his brain and so is yours, to do this to people??
you could be right about the poly narcissist”it sounds exactly like mine. just knowing at times he was going to have a romantic evening, completely excited him. maybe thats why they love bomb us, its words they perhaps want to be told? in any case he is what he is and we don’t need that
I know there is no answer to any of this. I was married to a man that never touched me and was emotional unavailable. so when the np showed up i was overjoyed at the attention i was receiving. The sad thing is that he knew exactly what to say to me to get what he wanted that is the narcissist but he took my choice away being with someone else and not telling me. i would have used protection. I still dont know if I have anything bcs i still need to be tested again. I forgot to mention the one time i was able to text him in the game i said why dont you tell amanda that you were with me and that you thought she was ugly and that you told me to look at a pic and decide. he got mad and said are you threatening me i said no because its the truth and its not lying. He didnt like that. He defended her why didnt he defend me why did he say that I was threatening him? I would be telling her truth. I still dont get any of this. I want justice thats all i want him to lose everything and be broken and lonely like he did to me.
inthemiddleofheartache, it’s hard not to be righteous and say we want justice but try not to focus on that. Living a happy life is the best reward possible.
Often after we have been with someone who is really unavailable we go right to another one who is unavailable, and this guy is for sure that.
You are only hurting yourself by thinking things like why didn’t he defend you. Maybe he did”to Amanda, also to Jane and Sue and Rachael too”because he is triangulating all of you”and you’re allowing it.
Again, you won’t “get” any of it, because it doesn’t make sense. Please get a copy of Women Who Love Psychopaths. It is available on Amazon. It will rock your world!
My face is turning blue, but I’ll say it again – focus on YOU and the wonderful life you have ahead of you. Once you get a taste of a calm mind, you will do anything to keep it like that but you have to try it first. If I was in your shoes, I’d be doing everything possible to get out of that job situation. I’ve been around the block a few times, and it is a situation ripe for you to have problems at work that harm you, while he goes unscathed. I know you’re thinking oh, no that could never happen, but it can, and does.
I know this is frustrating for everyone but it hurts so bad. I am trying to get transferred to another station and i am angry this guy put me in jeopardy with not using condom with me he promised and did things to lure me in and he is sitting fat with his wife right now and still canoodling with amanda. what do i have a broken heart, worries that i may still have something and feeling pretty yukky about myself. i believed the lies and i thought i was smarter than this. i want to punch his smug face everyday i see him because that is how he acts towards me. then he acts innocent and says i will be a reference if you want to join that club. i do want my own life but unfortunately i am just in a bad space rite now. I feel like i have nothing left and he is making out and not having to pay for what he has done.
Inthemiddleofheartache, I know I’ve been rough on you today. I just hate the situation you’re in!!
I want to wipe that smug look off his face and tell him to stay the hell away from you!!
I know you’re struggling. It will get better. Go get tested asap, knowing is better than not knowing.
BIG hug!!
Oh wait! I forgot to say, you do not have nothing left!! You have YOU! That is everything. I know Kaya will second me on this.
Elsa
So proud of you for taking this important step. That is you are realizing how evil this guy is. You are going in the right direction. And with some counseling and outside help like this site here you wi regain your syrength and sanity to stand up to him and say “enough is enough”.
Jane doe
Great post. You really said it so correctly “I would look so pathetic begging him to come back ” Exactly , I myself not proud of the times I begged and cried for him to come back home. Like I said I was his wife and I made myself an “option”. But I eventually put an end to it by filing for divorce and starting the no contact. Now he is the pathetic one begging us because he feels like being ignored. Well, do I feel sorry for him? Not one bit.
Kaya
Thanks for the compliment 🙂
Your situation was far more complex than mine and understandably why you needed him there.
What goes around comes around, let him beg!!!! It’s his turn now
Revenge sometimes is so nice