UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Inthemiddle
Perhaps what you wnt through with your ex husband made you much more appreciative to hear those kind words from the N. you didn’t have the emotional part from your ex and when you heard the N say it you did fall for something, but it wasn’t real. This happens as it did to me as well with my husband. He too was unable to be emotional at my level and I fell for my N shortly after.
First thing you must do is get tested. That is a must to take care of yourself.
I’m not so sure you want him to be lonely and miserable as of yet. Eventually you will want it but I think you are still in hopes of him leaving Amanda and coming back to you. You need to get that idea out of your head because he isn’t good. If he were to resume things with you, do you believe he’d be honest? He still has his wife and children that where he needs to be honest.
It’s difficult at the beginning to grasp this and sometimes we say we are willing to be or do anything so we can have the “fake” person back. Once you’re able to start NC you may start to see what he really is as a person. As HM mentioned read your story again…if that were a friend saying this to you, what would you tell them to do?
I’m not there yet either, but your story makes me open my eyes to see what a schmuck mine is and you need to read someone’s story and maybe you’ll see the same thing?
I get it its my head that doesnt bcs i am angry. angry my husband wasnt the man he was supposed to be he turned out to be a passive aggressive person. I am angry bcs the NP did not have to do what he did to me. he led me on knowing how i felt and lied to me when confronted. he did not do what he should have. I want to have him be in pain like he did to me. why am i holding the bag. i cant turn this off like a switch bcs i never felt this way before abt anyone and i have to see him everyday. when i was with my np he was not at the place i work now. we were at separate locations. I wish that i was stronger person. i am alone now and he was supposed to be part of this move with me. there was so much more into this. I got on the pill for him, i purchased all kind of stuff that i need to return now. he just told me 3 weeks ago that we will still use them. he said he wasnt going to stay with the wife. he said he wasnt speaking with amanda but when i saw the computer screen with hunting locations to purchase i know his wife didnt like that stuff. i hate it that he got a part of me that he was never entitled to and only got it because he used and lied to me. i still want some kind of gratification that he is suffering. he has it all. and after reading the poly narcissist yea thats him. i had no idea i was going to be emotionally raped by a person i trusted who knew so much abt me. i am having a hard time coming to grips with that.
Inthemiddle
I so understand you because I’m half there too. We have so many questions as to why they did what they did and now so easily, they’ve made us suffer. And at times I too can’t get that feeling I how good it felt when we were together. But sometimes I feel the less he hears from me the more he may wonder why he isn’t hearing from me and it will make him wonder. Hopefully it makes him think I’m not in agony that he’s gone and his games didn’t work. That’s what I’m trying to achieve..I want him to know I am ok despite what he’s done. He doesn’t need to know the anguish and grieving that takes place. it actually makes me proud of myself that i am able to do this. But it took lots of crying, by myself and not with him knowing to inch forward a bit. This site has made me see clearly and made me able to get up each day and put the thoughts aside for while each day. It has given me clarity. Something I do when I have a not so good moment is think to myself what odd behavior a S has and why would I want to be subjected to this? I don’t need that turmoil of being burdened with what he’s always going to say next or do next..
You need to get your moving out of the way and focus on a change in your job. That alone is making it impossible to move forward. Is there nothing at all that can be done at work? Can you speak to HR in confidence?
I work in a public service agency and no one is there to assist. Not to mention if it does come out it will probably be my fault and cause more turmoil for me. the hardest part is that he is smug and enjoys all of this. i am in anguish and cry myself to sleep many nites. I hate the feeling inside and all the emotions that this turmoil brings up. just when i think i am getting somewhere i see somthing that hurts me and i am rite back where i was. maybe he left it up on purpose for me to see so that he could make me upset. i dont know anymore but what i do know is it is not rite that he is on easy street enjoying his life after raking my over the coals. i know im not there but he has someone(s) i dont have anyone and he could care less what he has done to me. i mean nothing to him. that is why he acts the way he does and that upsets me even more bcs i dont think i will ever get justice. i want to tell the wife what he has said to me and ruin it all for him but i dont want the problems. i do keep to myself but he seems to find a way to see me or chat with me like nothing ever happened. it was like this never took place. he is a cheater but i didnt find this out until i was already in the wormhole.
Inthemiddle….I am feeling your pain. I have told the now ex-wife everything and honestly, it has done no good. I know that she is probably going to take him back and he will have his happy little life back (haha). And now I have to find a way to purge this out of my system.
I think that I need to borrow your screen name bc it is how I feel right now.
Well, I got a message at 3am this morning say Hay, and then another message this morning asking How is it going…I did not expect anything from him whatsoever. What did amanda have something else to do today that he sent me a message. Its part of the game community that they can send messages even if we are not playing a game. So i did not solicit this one. I guess that is to check to see where i am at bcs i am not speaking to him. I went to my counselor this morning and he said the place i work is toxic. I hope that I can be transferred to the other station. I have had 2 days without him here but he will be back tomm. So I come in a side door at work and hide in my office so he doesnt see me. I told my counselor that it bothers me that he is having his nice little life. and seriously how is it going? really? How good does anyone do after being used. I coming to find out that you dont have just one toxic person in your life there is always more. I have my ex, my daughters father and all the toxic guys i work with. They are all doing the same thing to me and I have to change it.
inthemiddle
he is texting you hey in the middle of the night??
why is he up fiddling around at that time?? because he is probably doing things he shouldn’t be doing with anyone, and it doesn’t have to be amanda…
perhaps he texted you by mistake, or he wants you wonder if he texted you by mistake…meant it for someone else
i agree with the doctor, that place is toxic…you need to start asap asking to be transferred and pushing it…or find another job in your field…you will never ever get away from him otherwise…
this guy is filth and hopefully you are starting to see that…imagine his wife? she is sleeping at 3 am and her husband who is also supposed to be asleep is up texting someone else? you do not want that kind of life!!
Yes your rite. I got the other message this morning and wondered why he is bothering after 2 weeks. I do need to do something. I hate this every day. I am glad we never did anything in the place i work that would have been worse. I dont want to be the person he goes back to and drops and goes back to. I dont know what he is doing if he is still with the wife or with amanda i have no idea.
He probably reached the limit of his patience if you have been giving him the cold shoulder for two weeks. These types can’t stand the thought that one of their fish might willingly swim away from the bait of their amazing selves, so he is tugging on the line to see if you are still wiggling on the hook.
Keep up the grey rock at work. He will probably reach the point of throwing a “terrible twos” style tantrum. If you are lucky, it will be in public and he will look like a nut case… maybe even get him in trouble for harassment. More likely it will be privately, which is why you need to protect yourself and make sure he has no physical access to you out of the public eye.
He may look like he has a nice little life, but it is a shallow one. He lives for sensation because he cannot experience true emotion. He gets the same thrill from hunting animals that he does from keeping you in suspense. You are a target that he has in his sights and he is enjoying sending lots of arrows your way to see if they hit.
Hanalei
Absolutely. I totally agree with you. I thought I had nothing left. I have EVERYTHING left. He is the one who is the loser. We are the WARRIORS. Every day I celebrate my new life. MY VICTORY.
Hello everyone. Well it has been an interesting couple of days. Friday night, I received several texts from his ex-wife. She was asking me questions etc. I answered them. Then about an hour later I received a call from him. I should not have answered it but I did. Why do I do that!!?? I told him that the ex had sent me texts earlier and what was going on. He said that he didn’t know anything about it. I told him that my life was in shambles bc of him and what he was doing. He was mad bc I had texted his wife a few weeks ago when he discarded me yet again. I told him I did that bc I felt like he was playing both of us and that she needed to know. I told him that what he was doing was wrong and that it was hurting everyone involved. He told me that he loved me and all the same crap. He admitted to me that he would go back and forth between me and the ex. I told him that was so wrong and hurtful. He said, “I am messed up”. He told me that he wanted to sit down with me and talk to me about everything. I told him that I was going out of town for the weekend and that wasn’t possible and whatever he had to say he could say it on the phone. Which what he had to say was nothing that I hadn’t already heard before. So I went out of town and had no contact with him the entire weekend. I had a good time with my family bc I was away from everything at home. He called me last night. He said that the ex called and wanted to sit down with him to talk. I don’t know why I even care. He should just go back to his ex-wife and leave me alone. Let me go on with my life. I am so tired of this up and down. I know that by breaking NC, I have done this to myself.
So, last night after he called to say he was going to go to see his ex-wife, I blocked all of their numbers. I swear that if I don’t get past this, I am going to go into a major depression. I need him out of my life. I don’t care if he goes back to her. She’ll be just as miserable as she was before.
Why do I keep allowing this to happen? I know the right thing to do.
Some additional comments. I told my mom what has been going on. We had a long car ride together and I just spilled my guts. It felt so good to do that. We have always been very close and I felt like I was hiding too much from her.
Her words…”You need to block him out of your life. You need to not have any contact with either of them. If this continues, it will only lead to the worst kind of heartache.”
She is a smart woman, just like all of you on here.
My response back to her was…”I know mom, I am trying”
freedom15
your mom is right…
its like when you tell an outsider the story, and you watch their opinion…thats an honest opinion because they have nothing to lose by telling the truth…
if a friend told me a situation exactly like mine, i would ask her if she were crazy to be dealing with a psychopathic narcisstic sociopath…!!! and what is she thinking…i know i would do that. i also sometimes try to visualize being a fly on a wall and watching down on everything he has done in the past and how he must be so mixed up with who he tells what to, and who he made promises to…and just visualizing him in action doing all that, is yucky!!!
i don’t even know which he is but he has qualities from all of these categories…P/S/N
your mom is right!
freedom
you are one step ahead and you’ve blocked him, good for you, better than i had done at that point..
he is telling you how he wants to go between you and his wife, the back and forth? but at the same time he is telling you he can’t be with you because of the effect it has on his son??
one way he’s being a lying bastard and is willing to cheat…an N/S
the other way he is being righteous and wants to protect his son… he probably doesn’t even know he contradicted himself…which does he think he really wants?
mine did the exact same crap…telling me when he left me that he can not hurt this girl he is marrying. in the same breath telling me he would do anything to be together with me…
then he would apologize for making these promises and then disappear completely…i can’t live with the unknown like that! he can’t say one thing and stick to it…its almost as though he forgot what he says, and i am being honest when i say that..
i questioned once before if they have some sort of split personality, so why do they always contradict themselves?
they don’t even listen to what they say and that there is no truth in it at all…they are so devious and impossible
you do know the right thing to do and you are doing it…
sometimes i also wonder, is it the excitement of waiting on pins and needles for him and the anxiety that drives me nuts and the whole drama, that i will miss and sometimes makes me miss him? i think they like drama themselves…what a mind f***ker!
Why od they always contradict themselves? Because they know their victims are so well-hooked that they will find a reasonable explanation for the inconsistencies without any further effort on the sociopaths part.
Yes he told me that. He is also wanting to get back with his now ex-wife. I have no idea what he wants. I will never now and right now I don’t even care anymore. I have blocked him and her. I want them both out of my life for good. I don’t ever want to see him again. He needs to move on from me as much as I need to move on from him. I do feel sorry for the next one and I feel sorry for his ex-wife. If she decides to take him back, he will just do this again to her and someone else.
Yes, I see about the excitement. I told him the other night that it was killing me and everyone involved. He is a liar and a cheater. I hate that I was a part of the cheating. I have to live with that.
This whole thing has gone on way to long. Right now I don’t feel anything towards him. Did I really love him? I don’t know.
Blocking him and her was the right thing to do. I don’t want my phone to ring and see that it is him. If I don’t hear my phone ring, I will not answer it. These are small steps but ones that I have to take.
And I do hate this for his son. I do feel some responsibility for some of it. But I guess I have to live with that as well.
Freedom
Your mom is indeed correct. Please listen to her. You should not text the wife or ex wife. You have no obligation to her whatsoever. He is the one who took marriage vows with her. He gets mad when you talk to her. Of course because they hate being exposed.
When I was in a “fog” and texted the coworker/mistress how she was destroying my marriage, I was served with a restraining order by him. My lawyer got me out of it. But see, how they play us. And I finally realized that they ion had nothing to do with it. She was available for him and good “ego kibbles” because she was young. It was HIM AND ONLY HIM who broke the marriage vows, who brought in a third person into the marriage. Instead of asking for a divorce, he was a coward and had affairs. That’s not a man,not a father and not a human being. He fed of the pain he caused to me and his son. He left us to financially struggling while he went on cruises. He stopped paying his sons college tuition. He did not care about us one minute.
Fast forward 2 years later, I get notes in the mail through the postal system. “Why am I being ignored for 18 months ?” Really ?
Kaya, you are right. I guess that I just felt like he was playing us both and that she should know. And he was playing both of us. He wanted me when he wanted me and her when he wanted her.
I feel like a fool and I know that all of this is crazy. I just have to pray for strength. And keep coming here.
And I am so thankful that I could tell my mom. It really helped me. I told her about the affair from start to finish.
freedom15, you are right. And we have all felt like fools for believing what we wanted to believe and ignoring what we wanted to ignore. We have all prayed for strength. I have found this website to be the most helpful I have ever experienced because we have all been there…and we understand like no one else understands. You are not a fool and you are not crazy.
Thanks, Never. I just keep thinking that I have wasted so much time and energy.
When I spoke to him briefly last night, I wasn’t an emotional wreck but my voice cracked a few times. And him, nothing. No emotion. Flat voice. That really resonated with me.
Freedom
I felt such a idiot, fool. Believe me when he had to disclose financial statements in court and my lawyer and I noticed where and how he spent his money every month. While I cried and cried he had a blast. Romantic dinners by the ocean, trips, cruises, flowers , presents. From day 1 after he left. When he told me for 3 months “I had to leave you because you are mental “. Those statements was my biggest wake up call.
He played me, he made me question my sanity, he tried to make me crazy , everytging in his evil power. And therefore I will never forgive him or talk to him again. Freedom, I made the same mistakes. You have to learn and once you get to a certain point, you really see the light. For me it was 3 months but in reality it was 20 years of my marriage.
I feel that I am learning every day. I felt so good last week. I felt like I was getting on with it. That the wound was slowly closing. Yes, I had thoughts of him but I didn’t want to contact him. Then my phone ringing (it was from his office, which I hadn’t blocked but is now) and seeing that number. I should have ignored it but didn’t. And it was like being sliced open once more. At one point during the convo, we slipped back into “us”. Talking about different things. And I caught it and said..Stop, I am not doing this again with you.
I know that I (nor any of us) will ever understand them. But way can’t he just walk away? Can’t he see what this has done to me? I guess that he really doesn’t have a heart. At times, I have questioned him being a NP. He loves his son, he has done a lot for him. It seems genuine. But whatever he is, I know that he is toxic. And I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
The quick answer to his “love” for his son is…
1. He needs adoration and his son supplies it
2. His son is a reflection of him to the rest of the world.
There is no “love” in a person with character disorder, just the smoke and mirrors that disguise “what’s in it for me?” There’s always a motive.
Joyce
Thanks, Joyce. I guess I questioned it bc of what the ex-wife said. She stated that he and his son had the best relationship and now it was strained bc of this (the affair and how his father has acted etc). He even told me many many times how he is hurt that he has disappointed his son. How he could never be with me bc of his son. He made the comment to me the other night that when he thinks about his ex-wife, he things about being a grandparent with her.
Anyway…it is all a mess. And I need to get out of it once and for all.
Freedom
My ex always had this flat voice. No emotions, nothing. His favorite statement after he left was “I will get back with you later”. Like I was a business partner. Not his wife of 20 plus years. Of course he had to get back with me later , he was busy with the minions.
In the end, I made him the business partner by divorcing him, taking him to coury, and letting my lawyer do the talking. So he is the loser after all . 🙂
Thank you jm
This would also apply to my son . Fortunately my son witnessed his fathers evilness and realized that he does not want to be a part of his fathers mind games anymore. He has no respect for him, he does not miss him and he absolutely fine with one parent , one good parent. And that’s me. 🙂 and these are the words of my son. So again I am blessed in every way.
My ex would do the same. Sometimes text me “how are you guys doing ?” Oh, we are just great, you left us , moved out and then you ask how are you?” Sometimes he would write “I am fine , it’s as good as its going to get”. Little did I know that he texted that from done exotic island sipping exotic drinks with her.
They are liars and they will always be liars. I cannot believe the ridiculous stuff he used to tell me. I believed all of it. Everything.
Once he started to go jogging after his nightshift. Here he is, working 13/14 hours shifts as a cop and then he feels like going for a run? No, he did not go for a run , he went with her somewhere. She got if at the same time. It was all lies. And the lie that hurt me most was when he said “I love you”. Because that was a lie too.
Once we know the games they play we can remove ourselves out of the game. And then we are in charge. While playing their games they are the winners.
True that, just like when my np was seeing me then going home to amanda and then his wife. He is probably feeling sorry for himself and bcs I gave him a healthy helping of adoration. I dont want this i thought i did but i dont. i think i just want the justice and for him to suffer for what he did. I will be btr when I move and have some perspective. I am not going to ans him back and just keep ignoring the best i can. crazy i am hiding out in my office so i cant run into him so he cant be smug to me. sick.
He will not suffer for what he did in the sense of ever feeling shame or remorse. Sociopaths (well, the smart ones, anyway) are masters of avoiding consequences for their actions. If it looks like one of their games is going south and they might get called to task, they will drop it and move on because, unlike a normal person, they have no emotional investment.
If you are up to it, pretend he doesn’t exist. If he knows you have been driven to hiding out he will chalk up a point. Absorb yourself in your work. THAT is not “hiding.” Change your thinking. You are not hiding, you are focusing on your job and not trivial socializing. You are being the best widget-maker you can be so you can get that transfer to a better office.
At the end, I started treating the sociopath in my life as a mere curiosity – like if I encountered a talking cockroach. I might notice it and even respond to the “hi”, but I surely didn’t want to spend any time socializing with the disgusting thing.
I will try to pretend. This is very hard. He not only a NP but a poly too. I just cant believe he is sending messages at 3am and asking me hows it going. he has broken my heart and smashed it how does he think i am doing. Should I say hi to him when he sees me? I dont want him to even see me. Its like I want to feel like he is a nothing to me. This may be nothing and I am thinking wow, he did send me a message. I hate it my brain starts thinking hmmm maybe he does still think of me. If he is still with his wife or amanda what does he have to gain by me chatting with him. If he is serious abt not doing anything with anyone and for me not to wait bcs something may never happen between us again why bother with me anyway? Does he want to really be friends with me?
Don’t engage with him. If he says hi and others around you would think it strange for you not to respond, then go ahead and say hi. Just do it like you would if a street bum was trying to talk to you.
He doesn’t want to be friends with you in the sense that a normal person wants to be friends. You are plan C or X or Z for in case things go wrong with everyone else. Why would a terrific person like you want to be anything other than plan A++ with a guy? Don’t fall for it. Remember – talking cockroach!
NoMoreWool…I love what you just wrote!!!! I told him last week that if he ever saw me out in public to walk on by and not speak to me. Do not say hello. Do not stop. Do not even acknowledge that we once knew each other. I told him that in no way did I want to be his friend!
I will try to pretend. This is very hard. He not only a NP but a poly too. I just cant believe he is sending messages at 3am and asking me hows it going. he has broken my heart and smashed it how does he think i am doing. Should I say hi to him when he sees me? I dont want him to even see me. Its like I want to feel like he is a nothing to me. This may be nothing and I am thinking wow, he did send me a message. I hate it my brain starts thinking hmmm maybe he does still think of me. If he is still with his wife or amanda what does he have to gain by me chatting with him. If he is serious abt not doing anything with anyone and for me not to wait bcs something may never happen between us again why bother with me anyway? Does he want to really be friends with me?
Ok, so far i was doing ok until i found out he was taking off next monday. rite away im thinking oh he is spending the day with amanda prob for valentines. At the end he never even took days off for me. he only did in the beginning and it wasnt that many times. I never seem to be on the winning end. I didnt feel anything until that. I have been hiding out in the office and have only seen him a few times so that was good but he made a point to say hi and do his reg smug thing. when he said about the day off he stated he didnt know why he took it. then i said yea im sure for some monkey business. he got me.
Ok, so far i was doing ok until i found out he was taking off next monday. rite away im thinking oh he is spending the day with amanda prob for valentines. At the end he never even took days off for me. he only did in the beginning and it wasnt that many times. I never seem to be on the winning end. I didnt feel anything until that. I have been hiding out in the office and have only seen him a few times so that was good but he made a point to say hi and do his reg smug thing. when he said about the day off he stated he didnt know why he took it. then i said yea im sure for some monkey business. he got me.
Cruel is right, the lies the cheating and abusing and misusing your emotions for their benefit. I hated it that my choice got taken away and that he thought he was so smug i would not find out about amanda and think she was ugly bcs that is what he wanted me to believe. I never had anyone treat me so poorly and get so much from me at the same time. sickening. I guess i was supposed to answer him at 3am. i never know what to do anymore. and yes my sick mind was like oh hes thinking of me. yea bcs i was a last resort.
You are so correct about the “I Love You”. That’s what my N led me to believe for so long. He said that he would hurt anyone who hurt me. Do you think he is being hurt at this time? I hope he is!!! I found out today that he is getting married to the person he left me for and I’m not angry or sad!!! I’m thankful because she has not seen the side that I’ve seen. The silent treatments, belittling me or the rage. He won’t come back will he after things are going good and he gets bored? Now my anxiety has kicked in. It’s been six weeks no contact but he has been calling from different numbers and hanging up. He didn’t get to discard me the way he wanted to. Do you think he will come back?
Jaiden814
Sounds like you’ve got you’ve got your answers with his actions – if he’s ringing and hanging up then he’s going to attempt to return at some stage – his poor new wife! Boy I bet she hasn’t a clue what he’s doing behind her back…
I’m going to try and make this short. The N and I dated in high school then his attention went to someone else. We broke up and I decided to date his friend. And the N disappeared from my life even though we went to the same high school. Fast forward to 2012 he got in touch with me on facebook. We started over. He told me he loved me, we planned to get married and we started living together. Then last Nov. I find out he is engaged to another woman and we are still living together. I had to force him out of the house because he didn’t want to leave. He left two nasty messages six weeks ago and I have had no contact with him. I blocked his number and the woman he is living with. But I still talk to his brother and sister in law. Today I find out from his sister in law that he is getting married this Saturday. I’m happy that it’s not me. I know that he hates me and i realized that I’ve never actually hated anyone. Now I’m thinking that I shouldn’t be friends with his brother and sister in law anymore. It’s just a feeling I’m having right now. I saw his sister in law two weeks ago and she told me that N would be back because he didn’t leave like he wanted to. He was forced to leave but she has known that he is getting married. Why would she tell me this? I think she is telling him things about me. She also told me that he wouldn’t like the fact that I’m dating, going out, etc. I have to cut his family lose too. Any comment? Help?
Jaiden814
He doesn’t want you dating? As he is allowed to get married and build a fake life with someone because he wants to?? Is he for real? Does he think you are fine with the fact he is gettin married and he did this behind your back? Yeh that is ok though, isn’t it?
Do they think they are god or something?
Mine did the same thing a cpl months ago to me…on vacation together having a good time one week to telling me the next week he was off to get married, like he was going to store or somethig, no care what it did to me…we went back and forth a bit and I then stopped the contact with him for four months…he actually emailed at Xmas apologizing and telling me he isn’t happy and wants to start planning our future…I haven’t heard from him since…
If you can do the NC because you sound like you are ready to do it…cut ties from the family, dispose
Of any articles that are his in the house, pictures, gifts, emails…get rid of.
I have a strong feeling he will hold on to you behind his wife’s back. He cheated on both of you already, he’s going to try again…that’s just a feeling I have. Maybe not right away but give him a few months and he will start up again and you are better than that…delete him and the family for good, only way to have control…good luck and don’t wallow over him on Saturday when he’s off getting fake married, read all you can about sociopaths and narcissism and vent away on here!! It doesn’t seem so now but everything you hear on here will make your life a lot better than always wondering if he’s lying and BSing you I promise!
And to make matters worse I saw where the sister in law sent me a friend request on facebook this morning and she is his friend on also. She told me that is how he sent them the invite. I thought really! Deleted it! She did that on purpose telling me about the wedding because I didn’t even ask about him and I’m at the point where it’s best his family leaves me alone. She wanted me to know so I could be hurt. And this N had nothing when we got together. I helped him get on his feet and he spits in my face. I have good days and bad, today is a bad day. I have times when I just cry and today is one of those days. I’ve decided to get off facebook too. Today I hate! And that is one emotion I don’t ever want to have but I’m angry. He got on his feet and left me and I’m pissed today. So, thank you so much for advice. Thank You!!!!