UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hi Jaiden814, Follow your GUT!! It’s telling you to part ways with them now. You have done a amazing job with follow the “no contact rule” the only tie you have to the narc now is through his brother & sister n law. Take a break from them and that will lead to peace from the N. You are not a bad person for doing so…
if you see them around town just say you have been busy with work etc keep the conversation simple without revealing much of your life, that way they can not report back to the N. Remember N’s are always getting others through manipulation & cunningness to do their info gathering and dirty work without them knowing they are being manipulated by a master puppet master.
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their conversation about always follow your gut.
Is it possible that his sister in law likes to stir the pot up to watch your reaction? Either way close the door on him hovering back into your life.
Wishing you all the best!
I believe you are correct about the sister in law. She does want to see my reaction. I think that she wants to see me in pain. That’s what she said that she didn’t want to see me in pain with him getting married. then why tell me? Letting go of the N is letting go of his family because now that i think about it they wouldn’t tell me the truth even though they have known it the whole time. Thanks
Jaiden814, when I escaped my ex h’s abuse and found a counselor who told me the truth about my ex I called his brother n law (we were close) to tell him about what the counselor told me. He was friendly but distant to me and said when the divorce was over that he would like to still be friends. I thought right at that moment that we could not be friends that I had to cut all ties to my ex & his family for peace & for the fact that the brother n law (and my ex entire family protect my ex vs helping me learn the truth). They all knew the history of my ex yet never told me. They were part of his ex con game. The brother n law had the choice when I called him to tell me the truth or stay silent…he chose to stay silent…I choose to cut him out of my life like my ex. No regrets in doing so what so ever.
Jaiden814, Oprah & Dr Phil did a three part show on his book “Life Code” (you can find it on you tube it’s worth the time). Although Dr Phil did not use the terms narcissist or sociopath/psychopath in his book it is about all about these personality disorders & how to spot someone with these traits & how to deal with one. Dr Phil Made a point during his show “If someone is talking with you about others, they are talking about you with others”. Very powerful statement. This sister n law may not be vindictive in her behavior but she is stirring the pot by gossiping. And when dealing with a sociopath you must be careful what info you revile to others that are in contact with him as he will use it against you at some point or to get back into your life.
Still the focus should be on the narc that was in your life & how you will keep him from hovering back into your life.
Jaiden814
Follow your gut honey! Jan is right and most of what keeps us in a relationship with a N is ignoring out instincts.
Now your sister in law showed you loyalty by telling you about the marriage and it sounds like she has a pretty good grasp of the N’s personality and the fact that the future shows his destructive potential – listen to her warning, the signs are obvious to her But do you really want to spend your life knowing what he’s up to?
Under
You are so right. His poor new wife. Exactly how I feel about my ex’s new minion. My replacement. Now at the receiving end of his abuse and betrayals. First I was devastated about being discarded and replaced. Now I celebrate my freedom. No more crying. My new life is great and I don’t have to play detective anymore.
Kaya48
No more playing detective – oh how I wish! Lol
My spath has become a stalkerso now I’m looking over my shoulder constantly…grr!
Undertheradar,
I’m so sorry you’re being stalked. You’ve mentioned it before and although I like your attitude, it’s a terrifying thing! I’ve been being stalked for a long time…it’ll be a year in the spring. I’m always aware and am grateful for the time he gives me off (2-3 weeks at a time). Helps me get my head on straight until it all gets crazier again…and it always gets crazier. It’s a horrible feeling living like this day to day. How are you holding up through it all?
Bright side, makes NC easy! 🙂
I have an assessment appointment tomorrow!!!
To explore the kind of counselling I need/ want!
I think I have read so much about all of this that I know what is wrong! But I still don’t feel strong, I feel ashamed, humiliated, used and abused! I can see exactly what he has done
I know I am far better off than most of you for not having had a “relationship” in thd fullest sense of the word but I think I put so much value of friendship and the principles behind it that the disappointment and duping has hit me just as hard!!
To elsa and hannelmoon….elsa, you have an appointment tomorrow, and I had my first appointment today! And if you find a therapist who is a relationship expert, he or she will understand the devastation that you feel and why. I have very good feelings about the first hour I have ever spent with my new therapist. He seems to understand the sociopathic ways better than other therapists I have spoken to. Go for it, girl!
Intbemiddle
I know how you feel…these things made me crazy and anxious all the time…once they married I was calculating every hour of the day of what they were doing. It gave me such a heavy feeling in my stomach all the time. Eventually I thought I can miserable to think these things, and most likely it isn’t even true, and make myself lose time in my day or move on…those feelings slowly dissipate over time, and it’s different for each of us…I still have many days like that. All I know is if he is doing all the things that I could have been doing, she’s in real trouble…because all of our times were fake. As nice as the times were…would he end up being a creep and doing the horrible things he did to me? The more I thought of this the more those jealous feelings fade.
He may not even be with her on Monday, valentines day is Saturday. It doesn’t matter to him if he hurts his wife and splits his time in two for the both of them…do you want to be second fiddle?
Yes your rite but, i say but its because i was not given those things ever with him. I spoke with someone i work with today who said how nice the NP is now. I understand he can be fake with them too but is it bcs amanda gives him what i couldnt. I never was anything special in any relationship. i thought i was with NP but i was wrong….again….my ex husband didnt want to do anything abt our marriage until the end then he wanted to work on things. I tried with my NP to be different do what he asked me to. not be clingy, not to bug him, if he wanted something different i did it. I hate it. the ones that dont do anything get the bag of goodies instead of nothing. I wish i was the one that had that type of inpact on my NP. and i didnt. nothing of me i imparted on him, but amanda did.
In the middle –
Sociopaths are lazy in the sense that they will only try as hard as they need to in order to hook a victim. Because you were so loving and caring he didn’t need to work as hard to keep you hooked. The very qualities that make people good partners are what make them excellent targets for sociopaths.
He may be pursuing Amanda now, but it is because sociopaths enjoy the hunt. It is not because Amanda is somehow better than you… except as prey. It is the same reason that the cattle rancher will go spend a week in the hills hunting deer – not because they need the food (they have plenty of cattle) but because they want the chase.
Cow or deer, either way they end up on the plate.
yes i know but it is me. I still want to somehow know the truth about it all. I wish we could tie him up and get a scanner and look into his brain and see all the things he has done and what is doing and what he plans on doing and play it on a big screen for all of us to see. The hardest part is not being able to have all the pieces. the mind bombing pretending saying one thing meaning another. Like just a work after talking to me earlier and being nice now when i asked another coworker a question he made a face and walked away. he is such a jerk and he doesnt care how much he hurts me or what he does. I just also heard that he may be transferred back to the other station. that would be so great for me not to see him everyday. i would get a break. i hate it that i feel this way and i cant get my brain to stop this. i am sure i am feeling anxiety bcs i just looked at my apt today. they upgraded it and honestly im nervous.
your right we are just food and fodder for him. I am just so tired of not being the one and not having someone invest time in me that it appears he is with her. he never invested that much time in me when we were together. i cant even believe anything i heard today bcs it could all be lies. i can never tell what is truth and what is lies. all i want is to be treated nice and not treated poorly. but i guess when i accepted the crumbs that was the terms. i dont want it anymore. i am still affected even after all of this. i hate myself.
Aww, don’t hate yourself. You are a worthy person who had the bad fortune to get sucked up in the mind games and drama of a sociopath. If you aren’t in counseling, you should definitely consider it to help you pick up the pieces of your Self. Take time out from relationshipland to focus on loving your Self (and not in a narcissistic way). Learn to let your good qualities shine – which means learning to recognize and believe in your good qualities.
Normal men I know say that a woman doesn’t have to be supermodel material to be desirable and sexy – she mostly needs to be confident and comfortable in her own skin. Normal women I know are more jealous of a self-confident woman than of some young pretty-girl when it comes to their own men, because they know where the real attraction lies!
I think that is why the sociopath in my life could never quite get the hooks all the way in – I was too secure in the knowledge of my own self worth, and when the lovebombing phase was over I never bought in to the gaslighting for more than a day or two. The only reason I stayed with the relationship as long as I did was fear of retaliation from the sociopath against the people I loved.
inthemiddleofheartache,
I was the same. I hated myself. I had been manipulated into a pretzel and no longer living the values that mattered to me. When I reclaimed myself, and realigned my values back to what I had been for 45 years, I found my self-respect again. It was one of the things I reclaimed on my healing path.
I found, and you will too, if you do what gives you self-respect and dignity, you will not feel self loathing anymore. You will find self empowerment to not ever accept less ever again and you will earn the grace and goodwill of those whom you can respect in return.
In the middle
You can try as hard as you want to. Once you are an “obstacle” and end up of the discard list, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. Believe me , I tried for 20 plus years to “shape” myself into something more desirable for my ex husband. It does my work. No tears , no talks, counseling ,therapy or medication will change him. He is what he is. A liar , betrayer and abuser. His hatred for me was greater than the love for his son. The love he portrayed but never existed.
The only option we have to let go of the past. Create a new life without him. Don’t allow him access to you and slowly erase him out of your thinking. After almost 2 years now I don’t think about the “good times ” with him. There were no good times because he created drama and tears. Anything goid like a vacation or even just a day at the beach ended up in drama. Me crying because he threw ugly comments at me , blaming and so on.
Now I can be happy and I can honestly feel the peace and calmness. Before I was on edge all the time,because anything could set him off. It could be the pets, his son , anything. And who would want to live like this? In constant fear. Always questioning myself. Spying on him while he was cheating. Being available for sex 24/7. It was truly exhausting and not rewarding. We are much better without him on our life. Even my son can finally be his own person and not a puppet trying to please his father. What a blessing.
kaya48
I had an epiphany once. After another horrid manipulation by my ex, as he was leaving I voiced my feelings out loud, “You treat me as if I am in your way!” To which he replied, “Well, if you think you are in the way, then get out of the way.”
I was his obstacle to screwing other women, I warned others to require business deals to be written and not verbal… In the WAY? HA! I got completely out of his way! And people who blamed me for being in “the way” of their relationship with him??? Deserved everything they got.
Jaiden814
Were you close with the sister in law? Because she isn’t much of a friend by throwing this in your face!
How did you help him get on his feet and how long were you together?
Last weekend it would have been 2 years together. First, he promised me that we would be getting married. He moved in, his car kept breaking down, he lost his job, then found another one while using my car. Last year he started working two jobs and getting a new car. For his sister in law she will never be my friend. I realized today that she told me about the wedding to make me anxious. From Tuesday to Saturday she wanted me to thing about this. So, I know she is helping him out. And plus I am just tired of them using me! I’m going to block her number also and have as little contact with her as possible. I guess she was shocked when I replied to her comment about the wedding with,”thank God better her than me!!!” Then she wanted to tell me that she wasn’t going. Yeah right! Thanks for letting me vent!
Jaiden814, glad you vented. Listen I hope that I did not change your mind about your friend (the sister n law) with my previous post. My point was just follow your gut and beware of people who are in contact with the narc, as narcs are masterful at getting others so info gather for them & to play manipulative mind games through friends/family still in touch with a past vicitm.
The one thing that stood out about the sister n law is the fact she stated he would be coming back around even though she also stated he was getting married (RED FLAG ALTERT). Is he planting seeds in her mind to tell you that he would be coming back around or was it her gut instinct thinking this or is she a gossipy type person? The blessing is you know he got married so if/when he comes back hovering around you will know he is a married man cheating and everything he will be telling you is a lie especially if he says he did not get married.
Kind of weird she is not going to her bother n law’s wedding when I am guessing her husband (the narc’s brother??) would be the best man or grooms man??
I think if you see her in town you should be very frank with her if she makes comments and ask her: Why would you say that? put her on the spot to elaborate her comments that way you know for sure if her intentions are either good/bad.
I do know for me blocking my ex h’s entire family was a good thing & I have zero regrets doing so as they are a extremely dysfunctional family with lots of narcs/sociopaths. But we each have to come to conclusion on our own about blocking the friends/family of a narc.
Hope your doing better since you vented. Take care.
Jaiden814,
Spaths use people to communicate with their exes, even if the people don’t recognize the spath’s intent. Look at us, we got duped! In my opinion family and friends are even easier to dupe, if the spath is good at his game. Certain friends and family may also be abusive and you’re not aware. All the same, I consider them minions as well.
I agree with Jan 7, The fact your sister and law is telling you things is a big Red flag, again, even if there’s a chance she’s not completely aware of her actions.
Main thing, she is hurting you. This situation is hurting you. You need to heal. Who’s the most important right now? YOU. You are more valuable than your relationship with her and anything that has to do with your ex.
Still, it takes time. You may already know or at least feel your truth. Take your time and make decisions for you. When it’s the time to free yourself, you’ll know when it’s right.
Jaiden814
Was your sister in law this forth coming while you were in the relationship? Just curious because I think I’m a sap that just gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, which is what I’ve been doing throughout your posts. I know that you are right there so your instincts are tuned to this situation but I can’t help wondering if she is more loyal to you than the spath? I know the information she’s feeding you is hurting you further but was she on your side the entire time or only after you left?
I’m not trying to encourage you to change your mind because I want you to trust your instincts – it’s just a question so I can get on the same page…
Thistooshallpass
In a way I’m glad he did it because it truly shows his crazy side and having not been able to confirm a lot of gossip/information that was passed onto me, this has cemented him as a sociopath.
I’m sorry you’re suffering but I’d love 2-3 weeks off at a time so I’m jealous lol
This side of their personality baffles me, especially since I’ve been quite brutal with my words and never held back letting him know why it was over – strange that he’d want to be with someone that thinks so little of him? Baffled!
The stalking is definitely proof of their disorder! My ex in his stalking has pulled out all the stops. Things a typical person couldn’t even begin to imagine. He’s so covert and creepy.
To clarify, he’s only started giving me some time off since Nov. For the first 6 months it was constant. Enough that I even needed to leave town for a while.
I don’t think they care about what we say or how we behave — good or bad. I’ve realized over time they’re going to do what they’re going to do regardless what you do.
How long has your ex been stalking you?
Sorry for the delay thistooshallpass, time zone difference 😉
I’m sensing the “creepy” as well but that is only a small part of it for me as I’ve only just become aware of it. At the moment I’m still in baffled mode – why would someone stalk a person that clearly wants nothing to do with them? Why would someone that appears to care more about how they are perceived by people than they are about losing their right arm but be seen as a stalker? He has put himself in the “fool” position by doing it and I’m baffled! I was with this man for 14 years and I know without question that I was just a front for a whole other life so why play the devoted husband now?
Another thing I’m extremely aware of is that he was the first one to denigrate others for this kind of behavior and he was very vocal about his belief that problems escalate! He’d always comment on situations where “seemingly intelligent” women would stay way past the use by date and wonder why they didn’t see the real truth of the situation – he was a policeman so he saw this happen all the time, what the f***?
I’m aware of the stalking now that he’s making comments in text messages about my new hair cut, clean car or just turning up at locations he’d not usually be at. This escalated when I faced my fear and told him not to come near me or contact me again just over a week ago, but I look back over the period of separation and the signs of stalking were there from the time I moved out – will they ever give up?
Undertheradar,
Now is the time to stick to NC and document, document, document. NC will become easy peasy if he continues to escalate. It’s not unlikely that he’s been stalking you for a while, you just haven’t been aware. Now he’s made you aware and he has a purpose for that. CONTROL.
It doesn’t matter if they want us back or if they ever truly wanted us. He thinks of you as property and he wants to control you even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you. It’s all about control.
Just like any other sociopath, stalking or not, you are theirs in their mind. That’s why so many discard and come back to check in frequently.
What kind of safety steps have you taken? Don’t underestimate the stalker and be on guard. I’ve come to a place that I’m not surprised by the crazy stuff he does, but I’m still re-traumatized every single time. I’m getting stronger though.
I’ve had a hard time pursuing legally and wish I had gone forward legally when he was more overt in his stalking at the beginning. Now there’s not much I can do. At least where I live. That is until he reveals himself and makes a mistake. And then I’ve got him!
Take what he’s given you and start documenting patterns. That will help you in safety planning. It helps for you to know what to expect and know what’s real when you think you’re crazy at first. The pattern will help you determine what is real or not, especially if he goes covert.
Side note, mine noticed my hair cut too. So creepy. He now has no access to me and if he figures out a way, I cut that source off immediately.
I didn’t mean to rant with so much advice, I’ve just gone through hell and want to help. The modo I’ve come to live by? Better safe than sorry!
Thistooshallpass
It’s getting very close to the time that all can be revealed!
I spoke to the detective yesterday that is investigating him for offenses that require him to appear to be a devoted husband and father, in order to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent…
I gave them a run down of the stalking and they assured me that they’d make it part of the bail conditions that he have no contact with me – one text message is a win for me so I say “bring on the stalking! ” lol he goes to jail and I move back into my house = yippee!