UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
NoMoreWool…I love your analogy about the rancher with cows stalking deer just for the hunt and that it doesn’t matter…cow or deer…being on the plate. What a great way to put it! This is the kind of mental picture that helps victims see a situation more clearly…without the rose-colored glasses. Thanks for sharing.
I am glad my analogies are helpful. I agree that the most important thing is for victims to see their situations more clearly (like my screen name). Sometimes that takes putting things rather bluntly and risking offending the person you are trying to help.
Nomorewool
Lol, risk of offending others… you don’t offend anyone but it’s interesting that you mentioned it. I had a dream about LF posts last night regarding that same statement 😉
This may sound harsh but I think that sometimes we need to be offended. It opens our eyes, I know that has mine. I have not been offended by what anyone has said on LF but I have sat back and thought for a moment.
Freedom15
I agree! The truth would have hurt my feelings but never as much as finding out years down the track and from people that I felt close to, knowing it the whole time… we are all on here because we eventually found out stuff we should have been told way before we did yet we whinge about people offending us if they are truthful – total contradiction…
I agree with neveragain…great analogy.
I wonder if they know when they have finally played a victim too long. If when a victim has taken off the rose-colored glasses and exposed them for what they really are, they realize that they have lost the power.
I believe that the sociopath DOES realize when they have played a victim too long…mine still tries but seemed to realize through her last messages that the power is gone. That is the good news for me, but the world is full of unsuspecting victims like I use to be. There is no shortage of fish in the fishpond.
I think that they do as well. I believe that he finally figured out that I finally figured out what he is. I know that I am better off without him. I still have a feeling that he’ll contact me again. He always does.
I feel sorry for the next victim. Which I personally think will be his ex-wife. She doesn’t seem to think that he is a NP.
And even though, I know what he is….it still hurts. The pain is still in my chest.
Oh my gosh, I feel the exact same way. My talking cockroach is at it again. I dont stop it per say but he will have conversation in front of me and I find out stuff. I did speak with him today. He asked me if I sent the paperwork for the recommendation. I also of course asked him about Monday he said he is going to the range. I said oh with amanda. he said he hasnt spoken with her for a couple months, yea rite and he said hes going to a govermental range. The bottom line which bothers me, is I am past history plain and simple. The “good” times which were not were just me getting someone to acknowledge me and he used me. I am over. I said i missed him and he said ok. I said isnt it nice to hear it. He said at first now its getting annoying. I guess thats it im annoying. it doesnt matter that he hurt me and that he did something with amanda and yes he is still with his wife as the end of the conversation he said that he took off monday for his wife’s sister to go to their house. So unless he just said that to confuse me it is over bcs he is deff with the wife and prob amanda and i really should let this go. only wish my head would cooperate and my heart would heal fast enough.
ITM, eventually your head will listen to you. Your heart may take a while, because you are not a sociopath, you feel deeply and deep wounds take longer to heal. Keep coming here and all your LF friends will help you along.
I think in some sense they are like an infant – out of sight out of mind, but if the victim is seen as still having some potential then they go on the back burner in case they ever want to squeeze out that last drop of empathy.
That is a very good point. Right now, I am out of sight out of mind but if things don’t work out in his favor with what he wants this second, he will try and contact me. That is where my willpower has to kick in.
It is hard for me not to blast him with everything that I am feeling. I know that it does no good and he really doesn’t care. I just wish he could feel a quarter of the pain that I feel.
If he could feel the pain he wouldn’t be a sociopath. But yes, I hear what you are saying.
I don’t think they realize it. They justify their actions by blaming others and will never take responsibility for it. If they would then they view themselves as a failure or weak. That’s something they never want to be. They put themselves above God and can do no wrong. No matter how they hurt us, I. Their mind it is justified and we deserve the pain.
I think if they played someone too long they just find fresher , “better” supply for their “ego kibbles”. But they will sometimes keep you on the “back burner “. This way they still have the power and control over you. Like my , even though I never respond to his crap, finds a way somehow to throw some insults at me. I don’t even read it anymore. The game was over along time ago. He needs to focus on his new participants. His minions should be good game players. They are young , beautiful and full of energy. After all they call him Cpt America. But I am glad he is not my puppet master anymore. I don’t feel sorry for the new women. They knew he was married when they engaged in affairs with him.
Amen, Kaya.
And, let the minions discover the real score. Sometimes a person doesn’t know what they have bargained for — and paid such a high price for. The final bill has not come in yet; they are only working on the “mortgage” payments. Wait until the balloon note hits. Surprise.
Not
Wow. I heard almost the same words. I also was in his way of screwing other female deputies. Technology is so advanced now. It was very easy for me to install programs on ouf computer and also the smart phone since it was in my name. So yes I was annoying him with finding ouf stuff. I became an obstacle a long time ago. How do they sleep at night , how do they look at you and pretend? Towards the end he let me know that I annoyed him, I bothered him, I was a nuisance to him. Leaving the family was the best option for him to be a pervert and lie and cheat. Now he could do it all out in the open.
And yes I regained my self worth again. He will never gain acces to me again. Ever. It’s like he does not exist. Not among the living.
Sane
You are so absolutely correct with your comment. When the minions fed him enough who kibbles he might get full and get a taste for a different kind. Then they are history. I don’t feel sorry for them. One thing is for sure “I will never feed him his ego kibbles again”. He can starve. Because eventually Cpt smerica will have a hard time finding young minions. He is almost 50. Ha.
In the middle
He told you that he’s getting annoyed over you missing him? That would be my last straw…the icing on the cake…besides treating you horribly he now has admitted he’s annoyed. Think about your self worth and dignity at this point…you maybe should not have asked him what you did because he thrives on being cruel and he was..at this point it doesn’t matter if he’s with Amanda…the comment that you’re annoying would be enough for me to move on…now it’s time to think of yourself and forget this rude piece of slime…he has told
You in not so many words to back off…show him you can do it !!
yes he is and I told him so today. I told him that he is a piece of sh*t and that he put me in this position. I said that he is nothing but lies and I dont want anything to do with him. He said he was sorry but we all know that means nothing. yea going shooting with amanda. oh yea and when I said to him that he is still with her he started to get angry and say im not talking about again here with you. He his been on the phone all morning. this is what he used to do this with me prior to a meet up. I cant believe the ways in which these NP’s act. honestly though, it still hurts as i wanted to go shooting with him.
inthemiddleofheartache, I haven’t kept up with the story the past couple of days, but YES he is a piece of s**t and at the moment, Amanda is the loser. I can’t stop thinking about his wife and two kids – even if their marriage is over, done, toast, he still has a responsibility to them, and to be a dad to his kids, they are so small!
You wanted to go shooting with him, I’d want to shoot HIM.
I was randomly thinking about you yesterday and in my head, I imagine you are working in a fire station. I may be way off. I worked in government a long time and was around fire as well as police, and fire seemed just as bad as police for cheating. Oddball schedules always changing so lack of routine and accountability to family makes it a perfect profession for cheating. I hate to generalize, but I saw a lot of it. Construction, same way.
I am rooting for you to cut him off at the knees. Do it!
Yes I work at a fire station. It is so hard bcs we hv so much in common and it didnt start off like anything right away. I am sad bcs i for some reason am emotionally attached to this person in a way i have never been to anyone. My heart is breaking bcs i felt like i had something to offer him. I thought i was special. The way i took care of him when we were together. the way i looked at him and thought of him. I didnt think this would happen to me. I waited almost 10 months before i was intimate with him. I was not only discarded once when he went back to his wife but discarded again with amanda. i wish that i was something special that he would say im not doing this to her. I guess the cloud bombing is hard for me
inthemiddleofheartache, Kaya’s advice is good – especially you can’t communicate with him and get distance from him.
Don’t kid yourself – you DO have something to offer and you ARE special, you were just offering it to the wrong person, as we all did. We didn’t know it at the time, but when we do, no matter how we find out, we have to fight the battle away ourselves.
He was never available to you (just as he isn’t to Amanda OR his wife) and so it didn’t matter what you did.
I told you long ago that I was concerned that something bad could happen at work and you could take the heat for it. I feel that even more strongly now that I know your working environment. Don’t assume that none of the other guys know what’s going on/has gone on, and always remember that they will throw you under the bus to support and protect each other. I know you’re trying to get out. In the meantime, please take my old advice and keep your head down and just do your job. Don’t interact with him unless your job requires it, and then keep it job related and to the point. I also advised you before to keep a log. If he’s annoyed, it is not a stretch in my mind that he could decide he’d like you out of there. I’ve seen it happen more than once, I have worked around this exact environment and in similar environments. It’s time to think outside your heartbreak and think of your career and job security. I’m not kidding.
Inthemiddle
You’re better than this! Be the person you expected of him, to yourself. Please don’t give him your power by wishing to be with someone that treats EVERYONE so atrociously – wish yourself the person that you are and be proud of who you are.
inthemiddle
you are one of three women this guy is fooling around with…that alone should make yyou take a step back…its not just his wife and children he is hurting, you and amanda are involved…how do you know amanda isn’t aware of any of this…and if she isn’t, she’s going to be dumped very soon by him. this is what he does. its not bad enough he has to have one woman on the side, but two??
he will always continue, and he will always tell you he’s sorry, but he is not sorry. he will do it again and again
do not let him hurt you like this!! you are worth much more than hanging around him while he plays around and he will not respect you any more if you are in the picture. once you are gone from him, he will be back and by that time you should have him all figured out and will not let him near you with a ten foot pole! you can do this…evryone here is right!
inthemiddle
hon, nobody is special to him, not his wife or amanda or anyone..he wouldn’t be doing this to his wife if she were special..
you are special because you tolerated his behaviour. he fooled you and now you must get out of it…dont spend months and years wallowing because it isn’t going to work out. in the end hopefully his wife kicks him out and he has nobody…but he dug his own grave
janedoe
Sociopaths don’t regard their victims as “special”. Victims are only objects to a sociopath, something to take off the shelf, mentally/emotionally batter in some way, and then abandon for a new object/toy or put back on the shelf to batter again when they get bored with a different object.
We don’t exist as human beings to a sociopath. And if his wife does kick him out, he won’t have any feelings about it. He won’t recognize “he dug is own grave” because they always have another victim lined up, and usually several. In my husbands example, I called the stable of women his “back burners”. He switched order of preference sometimes but no one was “special”, they were just different OBJECTS to him.
Join Aunt Alex’s Army: “Aunt Alex’s Army Manuel for Getting Free of the Narcissist” by Alexandra Nouri. Thumbs up!!! It applies to spaths of every variety. Toads are not frogs who can be turned into princes by a kiss from a princess. Toads are toads are toads! Period!
In the middle
My guess was also you work in a fire or police station. You should have not told him all those things. He gets pleasure out of it. When I used to tell my ex what a loser and abuser he is , he had this stupid smirk on his face and then coldly said “you are just a crazy b****”. There , he won again.
You cannot communicate with him and at the sane time get distance from him. Ignore him, even if you work together. Don’t look at him , don’t make eye contact. Don’t answer and dobt accuse him of anything. Let him be with Amanda. That poor girl does not know what she in for. Let him be and let him go. Keep your dignity and turn away.
I know how hard it is to do that. You would not believe how empowreted I feel these days. When my ex begs and begs for cobtact and I 100 percent ignore him. I. The last note in the mail he wrote “you are probably laughing about me “. That’s absolutely true. For once he spoke the truth. I am laughing his pathetic that Cpt America is. A loser who left his family for done young “Amanda”. With that he lost everything he ever worked for , including his only child. So yeah, I laugh now. “You reap what you sow “. You sow negativ hurtful things , that is going to be your harvest.
inthemiddle – Kaya is right.
I second that!
Thank you so much for your understanding. yes this is so hard. I was so in love with this guy. I lit up like a christmas tree when he was around. all i wanted to do is be with him. i took care and brought him in stuff for work. i bought him things, at the end of last year he said his sister in law took the shirt but i know he gave it to amanda and the pen i got back. but still I wanted so much to be the one. and amanda is in the ems part of it at another business but its like a slap in my face too. i do feel bad for his wife but not too bad as i was not living at their house and having sex with him when his wife wasnt home. I was faithful to him and not with anyone else. I got on the pill for him and all kinds of other things and none of it was enough. so now i guess he is back with his wife and he is off limits.
inthemiddleofheartache, when I was in my 20’s, on my first full time job, I fell in love with a married man that I worked with. Oh, do I know how it feels to light up like a Christmas tree! We worked very closely together, and he knew how I felt about him and did nothing but encourage it. It didn’t become sexual, but we spent a lot of time together. He was married when I met him, then divorced and remarried his PRIOR ex wife during this time. It wasn’t until he got married that second time that I realized I was a fool. I spent several years of my 20’s wrapped up in him when I could have been dating and finding a real relationship, but he was fine keeping me on a string”he had no qualms about wasting MY life, knowing he would never be with me. This is why I often say we keep ourselves on hold when they are out living their lives. (Moral of the story – it is never good for us to be faithful to a married man. Never, under any circumstances.)
I understand how you feel about the gifts you gave him. I spent MONTHS embroidering this man a complex sampler and had it professionally framed, and gave it to him for Christmas. It was such a gift from my heart. He opened it and then said “you know I can’t take this home, right”. It broke my heart. I still have it.
Also, I had a close friend who’s husband was a fire fighter. She was a lovely person and she loved him completely. Once, he didn’t come home from his shift and she couldn’t reach him. In desperation she finally called his boss, and he had been injured on duty and had been in the hospital THREE DAYS. Why didn’t he call her and let her know? Because he wanted his girlfriend there with him.
Some of us have to go through this s**t to realize that WE are the most important person in our lives. It’s a hard and heartbreaking lesson to learn. You are in a close knit profession and I hate to say it, but the woman always loses. You have so much going for you, a fresh start in life, you’re obviously sharp and talented – don’t let this define you or steal any more of your life, mind and heart. Staying stuck in this is time lost that you can’t get back.
HanaleiMoon i am sitting here crying at my desk bcs you situation is the same except he was not with his wife when we started. he went back to her in july and i saw him 2 more times after but he was with amanda at that point. i feel so hopeless bcs i try shutting off the emotions and tell myself i am better than this but the feeling i get when i am around him. I am lonely too right now and i am also moving, and i already have some trouble at work not from him, one of the commissioners decided to have conversation with me regarding my job and he is not allowed to. my np has nothing to do with it. I also can tell my np’s wife what he did and i know he doesnt want that either. I wish he would be transferred and away from me. I said before he was supposed to be a part of my move and spend time in my apt with me. This is so messed up and no matter what i do i feel like im stuck. I really need this job bcs it covers my daughters health insurance but it is a good job. Thank you for the kind words. I feel like i have aged through all of this and i am sure amanda looks a lot better than me. I again see him on the phone doing the secretative thing again like he used to do with me. this sucks. how can they do this to us, wouldnt they be mad if we did this to them. it is maddening, and at the least cruel. I hope his girls do not get the treatment or see the vicious nature of him. It is like all smoke and mirrors. I wish I knew what I did wrong that he still didnt want me and he went back to his wife and then wanted me amanda and the wife. none of this none of it makes sense and i am here holding the bag again.
inthemiddleofheartache, for awhile now, you have been beating yourself up because you think that he’s not with you because Amanda is somehow “better” than you. Please get that outta your head! It has nothing to do with that and your friends here on LF have all been telling you that. Go back and read the basics on discarding to refresh your memory. Amanda is a victim and she is being harmed”she just doesn’t know it yet.
None of it makes sense because it is INSANE”that is why you feel so crazy. Once you get past trying to figure out something that is impossible to figure out, you will feel so much better. Be thankful that it doesn’t make sense, that means you are normal.
Ugh, commissioners! I know how that goes too! Here is an idea to try: when you are at work, tell yourself you can’t think/obsess about him when you are at work. Reserve that for your breaks and lunch only. You sure don’t want to give anyone an excuse to criticize your work! Lose yourself in some stupid project, even if it is putting documents in chronological order (works like a charm for me) or some such nonsense. You can always obsess at your break. If you can even do this for an hour during the work day, I guarantee you will feel so much better, because you will give your mind a break and your amygdala will thank you for it. This should be your goal – giving your mind a break. If you can’t make yourself do this, you may need a mild anti-anxiety drug to get you over the hump. I took them very selectively and when only necessary and they were a lifesaver. Just be cautious as some of them can be addicting but your doctor can advise you.
Hanalai
I could cry for that woman who’s husband was in hospital with his girlfriend, what a cruel way to find out. Did she put him back in the hospital when he came home – I would have!
Inthemiddle
God I wish I had the opportunity to get information, firsthand like you have had. If I was allowed to be involved with the people that my ex spath was working with then I would have had firsthand knowledge of the affairs he was having. You have been blessed with this knowledge, take it from someone that was kept outside of the whole other life, blessed!
It took 14 years for me to trust that my instincts could be right and start investigating the spath. It took 14 years for someone to realise that the spath was the crazy one and that, just maybe, I wasn’t the person he’d convinced his colleagues that I was, then approach me with information. I had to build trust with people he worked with and took years of building friendships before someone opened their mouth.
You are lucky to have been given this information so early on so count your blessings as I envy your position verses mine.
undertheradar, I second THIS!
undertheradar
so true!! i would have preferred this over being in the dark..being directly involved makes it so much easier to come to terms with it much quicker and get it over with…ugh how i hate to think of the time wasted being fooled!
Janedoe
OMG! Fooled is a nice way of putting it. I was completely duped! 14 years married to an illusion, working towards a financially secure future with my action man – I just feel stupid!
kaya
yes they certainly get a pleasure out of seeing us beg or cry and being hurt.
las summer when things started coming to an end for me, my S and i were on vacation. i knew there was this other woman that he told me was pursuing him..at this point he slipped in she had wanted to marry him…but he told her no and reassured me it wasn’t going to happen. that is when he began saying horrible nasty cruel things about her to try to convince me. i wasn’t convinced 100% and i was devasted because once our vacation was over and he returned home, i had no clue what was going to take place when i couldn’t be on top of things…i was crying and almost pleading not to leave and go to this woman and he almost took pleasure in seeing this and kept repeating to me “get it all out honey, its ok to cry” omg since i have learned about his behaviour it clicked in!! this MF was not consoling me, it probably turned him on that i was crying!!! and of course a week later probably was more thrilled to tell me “you were right about your instincts, i am marrying this woman” yuck…what a horror story
Janedoe, honey, sweetie
That alone should have been a huge red flag for you. If my spath had “mentioned” that another woman was pursuing him and marriage had come up in their conversation, I’d have known that they would have had a relationship that was committed enough for her to even think she had that opportunity?
My spath knew how switched on I was to behaviors so never EVER mentioned other women to me – he knew what I’d know if I was ever given any information like that – he was also very aware that I was never to be in the same room as anyone he’d slept with because I’d know immediately… strange the things I did let him get away with?…
I’m starting to sense the self worth issues we all have/had that kept us from seeing the bigger picture when the spaths are clearly slipping up and giving us the real truth, in so many words…
undertheradar
yep you are so right…i guess i really knew but didn’t want to come to terms with the idea he was involved with someone…i guess i had hoped i could convince him not to do it…its so amazing how wide open my eyes are now..that if this same situation happened to me today with him, i would probably kick him where it hurts..
Janedoe
I’m not without my gullibility! My eyes are wide open now, as NWHSOM mentioned, in the beginning we are not looking for a spath and there is not many of us would have picked it – I certainly didn’t but my spath has sized up my strengths and weaknesses over the 2 years we knew each other before the relationship started then used it all to his advantage.
As kaya48 mentioned with regards to her ex, the signs were there from the beginning and my spath was as arrogant and para-military as hers was – he did something within 2 weeks if dating that should of ended it for me but I didn’t know what a spath was nor what I was going to go through… I’m older and wiser and no “salesman” will ever get under my guard again!
Hanalei
Such excellent advice to think outside the heartbreak. I wish so much I would have known that 2 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of sleepness nights and also money that I gavevto my attorney when the ex played his stupid games with the restraining order. Even if our hearts are completely broken, they would stomp on it and break it more. They love having this power.
And yes , you are so right about the other workers. They would throw her under the bus in a heartbeat. I should have thought about mystlf and my son only when we were discarded. Instead I put all my focus on him. On the guy that told me “I am not in love with you anymore “. Today , I would say “get the h*** out then, here is my divorce petition. “.
In the middle
Yes, you are so in love with the image he created for himself, not the real him. Let him have Amanda , his wife and who knows. Remove yourself out of this sickening triangle. Say “I have so much more dignity than being part of this crap”. You will see how much self worth and mostly self respect you will gain. Believe me, I was in that same position. You cannot talk to him and get better. He pushed change on you that you didn’t ask for , he cannot be a part of your life. Period.
Like I have said before I know it is over. He has made that clear he doesnt want me bcs he has amanda. i feel like a total loser bcs i still have feelings for him and when i am next to him in the same room its terrible. I wish that I hated him and did not even want to look at him but that is not the case. I never thought I would ever feel this way about another person as this has never happened to me. of course i had to pick someone i worked with. I couldnt even do it right. I wished that he didnt take my choice away and that he was honest with me. He lied to me and discarded me when all along i knew what was going on. I didnt want to tell myself the truth.
inthemiddleofheartache
Have you been in counseling? I am concerned for the way you talk about yourself. I lived a bunch of self loathing and it’s not the path to acceptance, truth, or recovery. What you are calling the truth is NOT the truth! You condemn yourself. Someone needs to help you tell yourself the truth about the special being that you actually are. You deserve far better. HE abused you. Please, seek help to stop abusing yourself. Yes, he was a married man, but he’s a sociopathic married man. That’s a whole different animal. I would like to see you develop some care and compassion for yourself.
Hi everyone, i have not responded or wanted to face my total spiral on friday. I left work early after having several conversations with him, him offering help on one of my situations, him saying he was considering giving me a hug and me getting the hug and how excited i was he was giving me one. He came to my office to get candy but it was to give me a hug. i started to get happy he started to correct me and say ok relax. but i was happy he wanted to hug me. I got my hug which was not 5 seconds and he got candy. So I have an emotionally hangover. I then wished him happy v day with an xo and he said you too. I am going to counseling but for some reason i dont want to let this guy go. I had him first he was all mine and not with anyone that i know of, when we first dated. Kaya48, My np was in the national guard reserves. He acts the same way. He didnt get deployed and got pissed and supposedly they pushed him out bcs he didnt get the position he was looking for. So now he says he is going back in and doing a diff job. My NP is short, bald and is so arrogant. I dont know if that is what i liked someone who took charge bcs my husband never ever did. I just got back from joint counseling with my soon to be ex husband and he supposedly wanted to see if we could work it out. Well after 10 minutes it is clear that he is still undecided and he doesnt know what to do with himself or what to do to fix anything. This is all it is with me. No one wants to do it bcs im special. I am sick to my stomach bcs of what i did with my np and that it is futile. He is back with his wife and I dont belong doing anything. I still have feelings and yes working with him is hard. i do good some days others not so good. I need to leave my home sooner and now its def not going to be until mid of april. I am so sad and lonely and going today is the icing on the cake. I hate myself bcs i cant get past this guy who has such a hold on me. I dont know if I feel like he was mine and i lost him bcs he went back to his wife or was i really a discard. All i do know this hurts so bad. I am listening to everyone but I have so much emotional stuff going on I am overwhelmed and I dont get to deal with anything before something else comes along. Please be patient with me and still speak with me. I want so badly to do better but emotionally I am still so weak. thanks for listening.,
inthemiddleofheartache”whoa! You just got back from counseling with your soon to be ex husband? Sweetie! It’s no wonder you’re confused and can’t get a grip on anything! You still have to deal with your marriage!
You have much too much going on, and I’m going to default to my earlier advice – you need to put yourself first and get focused on you. My heart aches for you at getting happy at the hug in your office. This is all too much to handle. I am concerned that you had to leave work early after this.
I hope you are putting your all into your individual counseling. When you are in the thick of this, you can’t see the forest for the trees (how well I know) and you are so lost in the trees right now. Your counselor can help you!
What I had to do was make priorities. Your priorities must be your health (mental and physical, your job and your home. Everything else right now is extra.
I know you are sad and lonely, I have been there more than you can know, but the only way out of that is to force yourself to give yourself a break from it and do what needs to be done (see last paragraph). One small step at a time. It’s the s**ts to have setbacks, but they’re going to happen, so don’t beat yourself up over it.
I’d advise you to prohibit any further physical contact with him (it’s like putting your hand right in the fire”intentionally) and again, limit your conversations to just work. Come up with a script “I’m sorry, I’m really busy right now” or pick up the phone when you see him coming and pretend you’re on a business call. You can do it.
Sending a big hug (the good kind). 🙂
thanks for your response. I have a bed to board divorce and it is finalized for good in april. we have already been separated for over a year and half almost 2 years. the house will be sold and I am moving to my own place. for some reason he wanted to go to the counselor to talk. I do go to the counselor myself and its been very hard. I have so many situations where people have made it my fault when it wasnt so they dont have to look at themselves. but with np he was there during my change and i thought he loved me.
Inthemiddle
I agree with Hanalei, you’ve got to much hitting you from every angle so step back and take yourself off everyone else’s list and make yourself a priority.
I get a sense that you’ve gone in changing like a wounded bull trying to fix pain and it’s causing more pain – you’re in a fog of emotions that’s not lifting.
Time Out sweets!
Hanalei, loving your “good kind” comment!
inthemiddleofheartache
I need to catch up on your story.
So you are married? I did not know that.
And the man you want is married?
No wonder you are conflicted, this is a crazy making situation! You do have a moral problem and it’s gotten you into a bad situation. But the good news is that you can recover by chosing what you know is RIGHT and GOOD, and not what a predator baits you with. He was NEVER all yours, and if you are married, you were NEVER available. He was SCAMMING you from the beginning, and with a SCAM and LIES as the foundation, the outcome is NEVER good, it’s ALWAYS a dead end.
Here is a sad fact, until YOU treat YOU as “special”, as a person of self respect and honor and dignity…. you won’t feel it when it comes from others.
If you give that gift to yourself, it becomes natural to you and then and only then do you recognize it from others. Because… no one can GIVE you the feeling of being “special”, they can only SHARE it with you. In order to share it, THEY have to be a person of honor, and so do you. Otherwise it’s not real, it’s just surface and fleeting.
Until YOU value YOU, the people you draw to YOU will not have your best interest at heart. What you say you want comes from being a person of HONOR, of integrity, of self respect. When you regain those attributes for yourself, you can draw on those strengths to resist a sociopath who can not and does not offer them to you. A MARRIED man, with another woman in his own house, can not treat you as special because HE is NOT SPECIAL, so he does not have it to GIVE. He only can give SMOKE and mirrors, which as you know, isn’t a relationship of substance.
Here’s another fact, one I know personally. Sociopaths LOVE to break up marriages. They aren’t there to make things better, they are there to create drama and insert their warped views of superiority.
The path is obvious, the solution is clear and it’s easy to see. But… it’s hard to do… to seek counseling that guides you into who YOU want to be, because if you truly want to be a special partner to another, you have to raise your expectations of how you behave towards yourself. Self respect is required. HARD to do when you’ve lost your way. That’s why it’s important to reach out for help.
Help is not with a marriage counselor. Help is a counselor for YOU and You only. A counselor who will help you break from your bond with a sociopath, and help YOU to find that special YOU that is inside YOU.
inthemiddle
HM is right…you are in love with the image he created. thats what you know and love about him when he began with the love bombing. did you know he had capabilities to sleep with possibly three women when this all began? probably not, because thats not something he would want you to think of him…
once you get over this hump, you are going to reflect on this situation and be so proud that you did this and saw him for what he is! i know it seems impossible that the day will come, but it will but you have to start it..you have to get out of this situation and do your own thing at work and leave immediately after..if you can transfer, great, that would help. but its unhealthy for you to ask him questions about being missed, or if amanda is in the picture..dont do that. that looks like a sign of desperation and you don’t want him to think this. i did this as well for a short period but when i realized how what i said was being ignored, the pleading stopped. i was not going to beg because he wasn’t going to change but was thriving on me begging…you have to do the same thing! start now!
Jane doe
How horrible he played with your heart and then even told you that he married someone else. I am so glad that you realize it how evil this guy is.
My ex never admitted to any affairs even though I had pictures to prove it. He wanted me to think I am crazy and he worked on that every day. Telling me how “psycho” I am, how I imagine things. He did not only lie and cheat but he wanted to destroy me. The wife who gave birth to his only child. I will never forgive him for trying to portray me as mentally ill in front of my son. While he was screwing the coworker he planned on “removing and erasing ” me. He could have asked for a divorce and told the truth . But he played with my health and exposed me to knows what. I am ok fortunately.
I am so grateful that I erased him now. For ever.
Kaya
How ridiculous when you had the proof right in his face!
Either way around it he would still be an a** if he admitted it, just less of one!
So glad for you it came to an end..
Had he been this way since you were married? Why would he want to destroy you?
janedoe
Your last question to kaya has me flummoxed. Would you share what it was that inspired you to ask that? Surely you know why?
NWHSOM
what inspired me? hmm i guess i was wondering if he had shown any signs many years back as well as kaya’s more recent experiences with him while her son was older…??
was just curious if she now sees the warnings and what he was from long ago that we generally miss because its new to us…
maybe i worded it wrong and it didn’t come out properly..its hard to say what i mean when having to type it out sometimes…hope that helps 🙂
janedoe
Thanks for your reply. I know I sounded cryptic! I wanted to make sure I didn’t assume a meaning that was not intended.
It’s not a matter of wording something wrong, but that when things are typed, when we read we translate our own meanings depending on how we process info. Anyhoo, I know I read your question and clearly you were not saying what popped into my pea!
A sidebar from your question to kaya48… you do know that destruction is the natural outcome when associating with a sociopath, right? No matter how nice they seem to be… if they are willing/able to hurt/abuse esp when You KNOW that they know their behavior is devastating, that’s a redflag of lovefraud. Your description of what you ex did to you confirmed to me that he was devoid of real care and was committing Love Fraud upon you and his wife and her family and this has been his pattern his whole life.
Kaya48
Sounds like my spath! He never admitted it either, I’ve been told by several people that my spath had convinced th the entire police force that I was crazy, all to avoid detection. Grr!
undertheradar,
My ex did not accept accountiblity of his affairs. The closest he came was blaming the other woman. He also complained that certain women would not leave him alone.
I found out the truth when I read email he sent to other women. He’d send pretty much the same message to several of them. How was I able to read the email? We shared the same email address and when I moved out, he assumed it was his. He Never said anything, but I continued to use the account. It was my main email address. Once he figured out his mistake, he created his own account. I viewed those emails as a gift from GOD. Up to then, all I had were suspicions that he was cheating. Those emails gave me something concrete… so that I knew what he told me and what he was telling others was two very different stories. My ex was so good, so sincere, so humble and sweet… but his story to me were complete lies. And learning HOW he trolled and seduced others was an eyeopener.
I kept copies of his messages, still have them as they show a pattern of deceit… just in case anything happened to me (I narrowly escaped being murdered). I was considering sending them to each of his flings/backBurnerWomen. Instead, I used the opportunity to get free of him and get my divorce. Outing him might have given me a sense of vengeance (or not because he had convinced others that I was psycho, such a FN cliché but boy people sure do bite that bait!) but getting FREE of him gave me my life back.
Yes not, you are the lucky one in the end and I’d be tempted to just walk and leave everything up to karma if my daughter wasn’t involved – your spath makes my story look like a dud date, for me, my daughter was a whole other strory…
undertheradar,
I had a daughter as well. As you say, a whole other story, one of unending grief and sorrow.
NWHSOM
I read your story early on when you first came to this thread. It saddens me that your daughter turned against you and I couldn’t for a moment understand the pain of your situation…
My daughter was a victim of another kind but I’m not in a position to reveal those details yet.
Still there is no pain scale and I’m hurt for you as much as I’m hurt for my daughter – hugs to you honey!
undertheradar,
Whatever is happening with your daughter, I do have such feelings of sorrow for you. As much pain as I felt for what the sociopath did to me, the outcome of what it did to my daughter is far more painful. My daughter is not sociopath but she is so adamant that he did not affect her that she fails to see HOW she is behaving, she offsets his manipulations rather than lives with authenticity.
I am so glad that Kaya48’s son was able to see the truth about his father. That means he has a future of self determination, not poisoned against the ones who have a conscience, and he is bonded to those who love and care. Kaya48 has the best outcome for a child of a sociopath.
Not
I know what you’re talking about there and have been in the same position with my step children. It’s sadder for their mother because she knows that if she says anything negative about the spath then she’ll lose all of them.
His children treated me like I didn’t exist so it is no great loss to me and now that I fully understand what was really going on, I can walk away without any emotional involvement for his kids – its a battle I cannot win nor do I want to invest anymore time trying.
But thanks for sharing because I questioned whether his daughter was a spath but now I’ll trust my instincts and go with the brainwashing. I’m also grateful that my children are like Kaya’s son and don’t ever want to have anything to do with him again – just sad at the casualties from a choice I made to invite this evil into their lives and ignore the warning signs for so long…