UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jane
Because he is evil. He wanted to shift all blame for discarding me away from him. He wanted me away so he would havd the house, the son and everything. It all backfired. When he got so sloppy with hiding the affair he moved out. I was into him and he hated that. Once I called him when I found new pictures of him and the minion he told me “I want you out of the house by this day”. I caught him and he threatened me. It was so much drama. Even his lawyer said they had no sexual relations until thf day I filed for divorce. More lies. I had the pictures. I am sure they had seperate rooms on the cruise. Yeah right.
I am not sure how many affairs he had during the marriage. He was deployed often and I am sure there were many female soldiers he had sex with. But it was easy to hide from me since he was thousands of miles away. My son lost all respect for him. Our new life without him is so peaceful. The lies, the cheating, the blaming and crazy making. I don’t miss anything about him. NOTHING.
I hope middle will get to this point . It’s not about amanda or the wife. It’s him. A person who is capable of doing all this is not worth one tear.
Kaya
I guess there was nothing suspicious about him before you got married? Had he had this behavior back then or anything odd you can recall now? Is he with the same girl or has there been many?
janedoe
It’s really hard to find suspicious evidence at the beginning of relationships. The reason it’s hard is that WHO looks for sociopaths? I mean, we all know of guys that are bad boys or those who show bizarre behavior. But when sociopaths are in their hunt mode, they aren’t mean. They are sweet and caring. We think we’ve found a sweetheart! It’s only after finding out about the sneakiness of a heartless fraudster that we start a relationship by looking for personality disorders. And even then we can miss it because the mode of operation might be different.
I have never known a sociopath to only victimize one Love Fraud. They do many frauds. Many times they do multiples at the same time.
NWHSOM
yes you are right, i am seeing this more and more as i go on and i learn more each day..we do not know at the beginning they are up to something, otherwise we would have stayed away. as i hear more horrible stories of different women, i see we all were taken in by their sweet words and its only at the end when they have hurt each of us, do we see the things that we thought were genuine, but in fact, were the work of a con, sociopath, narc, psychopath…etc.
NWHSOM
Wise words honey, thanks!
Kaya
Yes I hope as well she gets there
I can understand at the beginning not being aware of what an S or N is how hard it is to accept. I still deal with it.
She needs to get to the angry step before she can start accepting what he’s done. I find once I was angry it was easier to focus on the rotten things he’d done instead of making excuses why he had done it. For me it is easier when I see all the things that make me angry so I can move forward and not be sad most of the time. The sad moments get less and less because I have more clarity now. I wish her the best
I went to the doctors, referred to a counsellor and then re-referred on to Relate counselling! Apparently they counsel in all types of relationship counselling.
I am feeling much stronger. I haven’t seen him all week ( last Saturday was my latest run in with UK in the shop)
My friends has seen him around town, thnk goodness I havent.
He is a waste of space, I dotn wantt o talk to him and I can see so many aspects of his behaviour as manipulative and abusive. It’s all there”……… Love bombing, gaslightingt, devaluing, discarding!
What could he possibly offer me???
Glad to have found here and all ten of online. I haev read psychopath free (the book) and also another called 30 covert manipulation tactics….. Wow, an eye opener!!
elsa
Glad to read you are lined up with counseling. This is not to discourage you but to warn you. I had to go through more than one therapist to find the person I call my gem. Don’t settle for someone who can’t relate to your situation. If they don’t believe in evil, if they try to have to assess what YOU did wrong, they are barking up the tree of “normal bad situations”. There is NOTHING normal about this guy. You were targeted in order to provide entertainment and to vent his control and dominance. I still have a worry that he is a stalker and might escalate since you aren’t submitting to his “story”.
Please, if a counselor makes you feel bad about yourself, get another counselor. Don’t give up. There are still one of two good therapists in this world! This is NOT an ordinary animal.
Thanks.
Relate is specifically about all kinds of relationships. I personally think that domestic
C violence counsellors would ahve a clearer understanding but we will see!
As far as he is concerned….. I think he will be well relieved that I am gone! I can see how NC works with someone who is pursuing the victim but, with my situation, he cut me dead and now I am doing NC so I expect he is very happy!
I think if I see him and I blank him he will think that justifys his viewpoint. I do care about that becaue I want him to know he is in the worndpg etc but I also know this is not going to happen.
I doubt I could ever talk to him again with an open heart, as I did before.
elsa,
Take care not to try to predict his thoughts. That’s a trap that sociopaths use to insert themselves into your head.
He won’t feel “relieved”. That’s a feeling associated with a conscience and he doesn’t have one. He is also not “happy”. Again, joy/happiness/sadness require a conscience which he is missing. He is likely pleasured, as in “duping delight”. Their abuse gives them pleasure like a drug. But not happiness, which comes from the heart. He also does not “justify”… justify means a person has introspection. He does not have that ability. Rather, he merely exerts his “entitlement”.
A person with this disorder is missing many emotions and motivational feelings that normal people with a conscience have. That’s why you can’t imagine his feelings. He doesn’t have them in the way you do.
Once you understand what kind of being he is, then you understand YOU were targeted to be victimized. And while they don’t have “feelings”, they know YOU DO and manipulate and dominate to control their target victim. I am sure he’s on to another one, probably one of them is the woman in the store where he used you to create his desired image for her to witness. That’s how they roll. Freight trains leaving wreckage all over the place.
This is how I am thinking!! Correct me, if necessary!!
He duped me
He made me think he liked me, valued my friendship and wanted us to be closer than acquaintances
He got scared becasue we got close
He pulled back”……… THEN repeatedly sent me mixed messages and blew hot and cold ( mini discards?)
No matter how much I complied and pulled back, it was never enough for him. He constantly said the same thing….. Tha he didn’t want us to be close and that he didn’t wnato meet as often. But at the same time he said he never did anything he didn’t want to, leaving me to naturally assume that if he was with me then that was fine becasue he wanted to be there!
Then, all of a sudden, he cut me dead with unexplained silent treatment, which made me anxious . Therefore I texted him more, sought out some answers and then he exploded!,
So……. As far as he is concerned, what is the problem? He got what he wanted!!!???? didn’t he?
Elsa – he did NOT get scared and pull back because you got close!!
He got what he wanted from you, was done, so he tossed you away like garbage.
Do NOT ask yourself what it was he wanted from you. It could have been anything. He might have just been bored for awhile. It might have just been convenient.
You were in a relationship with him. He was NOT in a relationship with you. There was nothing for him to get scared and pull back from.
You did what he asked you to do, and it was never enough for him because he still wanted to f**k with you. And he still wants to, whenever he runs in to you.
Because he knows it gets to you, and that feeds him. Who cares what the problem is as far as he is concerned?
Instead, focus on yourself. You’re going in the right direction, and your counselor will help you stop the obsessive questioning. You are on your way to sweet, sweet relief.
NWHSOM, the four or five comments you have just made starting with this one are so good, so right on target!! Bravo!!!
Hi Elsa…bravo for taking your power back from this evil sociopath!!
You have done so much in the direction of healing reading book(s), sites, going to the doctors, speaking the truth to the doctor, getting a referral for counseling….you see who he is, you see all his manipulative tricks his does to nice people that is HUGE. You are blowing his con game right out the window.
You Ask “What could he possibly offer me???” = a one way ticket to hell…but you have escaped his grips.
I totally agree with NotWhatHeSaidofMe about firing a counselor if you dont like them or most importantly if they themselves are not educated on sociopathic abuse as most counselors are not so find a new one if need be….this is imperative. Follow your gut when meeting them the first time and after, before you go call him/her & interview them on the phone to see if they truly understand sociopathic abuse if not get a new referral. You are in charge of your healing not the counselor, the counselor will only guide you so if you dont get a good counselor they will not guide you in the best direction.
Very Proud of you Elsa, keep us posted! Take care.
NWHSOM
haha you didn’t sound cryptic, but you got me wondering what i said and if i said it the wrong way…!!
and absolutely i NOW know the destruction that an S causes…its funny because i am able to see a smooth talker, for example, when someone is trying to sell a product, or someone is trying to get something from someone and they are being “charming”…i always would joke and call them a “salesman” because salesmen try to convince with their charm…but i am not talking a sociopath…i am talking about someone who doesn’t have the intent to destruct a person…sort of a funny type of smooth talker or carouser that most people can spot..
but this kind of sociopath in relationships is so low..its a whole other level of existence. to see in the past six months how so many women on here have all been destroyed is despicable.
.i have wondered if they (or my ex at least) has brainwashed himself into believing his own lies. how do they tell the same story without ever switching it around for goodness sake?
i can honestly say now looking back, my ex must have had a very disturbing life that i am so unaware of, to treat anyone this awful..and that smug look on their faces when they are being all lovey dovey…ugh just want to f***ing punch him in the mouth!!!
and yes i know if i tell my situation to anyone, they would look at me as though i were nuts not to see through such a con, especially since he tried to convince me that his now wife, was a no good loser…that just proves that he was having much contact with her throughout our being together…i think it was undertheradar who pointed that out earlier to me..just the fact he “mentioned” another woman should have told me something..
Jane doe
Sorry it took me so long to respond. Work. To answer your question. Yes, I did see warning signs before I even married him. He was then a young Sgt in the Army. He was arrogant , he was “better than all the other soldiers , he was manipulative , he thought he was so incredibly handsome. And you know what attracted me most , it was his ambition to succeed . He had a plan made and he stuck to it.
Now, 20 some years later , I know he had no good qualities in him. His evilness erased anything good , even his “so goid looks”. For most of his army career he manipulated everyone to get to the top. When he did not get his last rank , he thre a fit and retired. How dare would they not promote him, CPT Anerica? And then he became a cop and everything continued. Just a different career path.
I lasted so long with him because hex was deployed a lot. Once he was a cop, he could abuse me 24/7. Of course now there was different minion supply. Newer ones He had every nightshift to start affairs.
And now I was this huge obstacle and I had to be removed. Like I said, he tried everything. Many times I tried to get help from his army chain of command. They protected him and covered up. In the end I was viewed as the “crazy army wife “. I gave up after a while .
Him discarding me was my beginning for a new , better , more fulfilling , happier life. It took me a few months to see that but the day I was in court to defend myself for that testraining order , I promised my lawyer I would put an end to it. And I did the very same day. Signing this divorce petition and going through with it was the start for my healing and recovery. While for most people a divorce is devastating it strangely empowered me to be a warrior, a gladiator. Everytime I left court or my lawyers office, I had the biggest smile on my face.
Jane
You know one my biggest warning signs should have been this: while most army wives cried when their husbands left on deployments , counting the days until he returns. I did the exact opposite, I was the happiest wife and I was counting the days until he left for the next deployment. Because those times, I had peace , serenity and I was able to be myself. And I had fun because I did not have to live on “eggshells”, afraid to offend him Afraid of not pleasing him enough . But all this was temporarily because hell returned as soon as the deployment was over.
kaya
yes i can imagine that you were happy once he was away because it was just you and your son..and that equals happy moments..you have come a long way.
they all seem to have some connection, or a lot of them anyway, to the government (military, or govt position) .. maybe they feel its a high and mighty position and they use that along with their warped minds to get what they want from us..mine too was involved in military and did some “govt work” although now looking back, i believe a lot of it wasn’t true..used it as his escape to say he was on missions (and was meeting other women)
i had met him originally online and i have no doubt the way he approached me he hasn’t used on others… he went to afghanistan to work some menial position there and immediately flew here to meet me for the first time… and we spent much of three years going back and forth to be together..thats a very risky way to meet someone, so i feel he has done it more than once and used the “govt” positions to do so…ughhh
Not
Your story is so similar. I did keep all the emails , the photos he exchanged. After he moved out, I still had access to his email also. Once he discovered it, he created new ones. He had so many. He had minions everywhere. He used to say also “this woman is bothering me at work”. Sure, you just sent her some naked, perverted pictures . All lies. So sickening. And still the lie that bothered me and hurt me most was the “I love you’s”. Because that was a lie too.
Discovering the photos and emails also gave me confirmation that it was him, and only him who destroyed this marriage. Before I had my doubts at times. was I imagining things , was I crazy ? Like after he moved out he picked up Viagra from a pharmacy. He said he did this to annoy me. Yeah right, he picked it up to use it with his coworket/mistress . How did your ex almost murder you if you don’tind me asking? Because this is always a little worrisome to me, especially because he is a cop.
Do they really think we are idiots? Unbelievable.
Janedoe
I don’t know if he is still with that coworker and I don’t want to know. He can be with whoever he wants to be. None of my concern because I erased him out of my life. With that final divorce judgement our marriage contract is not in effect anymore. He can marry them, cheat on them, lie to them, betray them, abuse them, yell at them in his drill seargent voice, he can discard them. Whatever he wants to do with them.
Not
Omg. You don’t know how much your words mean to me. You just made me cry. Not because I am sad but I am so overjoyed to hear these words. “The best outcome for a child with a sociopath. ”
At first, I was so sad and disappointed that the security of a family was destroyed for my son. He had so many other things to worry about. He was a freshman in college when we were discarded. I always assured my son that there are ways we will keep him in school. Even though his so called father stopped paying. And we did manage, he will now be a senior and still has a perfect GPA with studying math and engeneering. He took this hardship we went through and used it as reason to do something beneficial. I achieved my goal to raise him to become the opposite of his cold, non caring father. And when my son says “mom, don’t worry I will buy you a house someday “. I believe him. Because he has morales , he has faith in God and he is humble. Not one ounce of pride and arrogance.
Thank you again. You just made my day.
kaya
it was beautiful what NWHSOM said…very touching..
your son is your family and it hasn’t been destroyed…it WOULD have been destroyed had you continued with your ex…
what a sweet and beautiful way for your son to think so highly of you…the fact he wants to buy you a house shows how unselfish you have taught him to be…just beautiful 🙂
In the middle
I would not let him touch me. He probably touched Amanda , his wife and who knows who before you. You really want to be in “that group “? please don’t buy him candy. You are feeding him his “ego kibbles” left and right. It might sound harsh but the truth sometimes makes us see things differently. And yes , I did the exact same as you. I went to the beach with him. I still dobt know what possessed me to do that? To hear him say, don’t touch me, you are crazy b****, you are insane , you are an idiot and so on. I volountered for this.
But you must put an end to it. Hanalei is giving you great advice about handling him at work. Last year there was a girl named Taralev here on LF. She did the same. But she stopped and now she is great. Please don’t continue supporting his sick games with all these minions and his wife. You and only you will have to pay the price .
Kaya
Inthemiddle
I agree if he’d been with many women why let him near you…I’m not criticizing raise each of our stories are similar when it comes to cheating spouses or bf. I wish to god I had the knowledge of line being with so many women…I would have damn well insisted he wear a condom or I’d do nothing with him. Once I knew this I was checked and thankfully I’m ok. You need to do this first before anything. Once that fear is gone you need to start immediately working on you. You don’t feel good about yourself and it shows by what you what you say. YOU are so worth someone to many, you are just in this rut for the past couple years between your divorce AND now all of this. You do have alot on your plate and these issues are bringing you down. But you have to start taking care of yourself..get tested immediately
Once your self worth is back you will see things differently…I know, I have been there. You broke NC and that will happen and perhaps your case is tougher being in the same building. You need to prove you can do this with him in close proximity because you’d be a good source of advice for those of us who have difficulty doing NC without him being in the same room or even same city..you will be able to do this but you will not while receiving a hug or giving him candy. This is difficult to hear this happening to you and if you look at those who are giving advice, they didn’t think they could get through it either and they did..for your own health and sanity take everyone’s advice and start now !!
Under the radar
I feel the same way. It still saddens me that I subjected my son to this life for so long. I think we don’t realize how crazy and unhealthy this is until we get discarded or replaced. I dif not see anything “wrong” with living with this abuser. Once my son said “my friends father is so super nice to his wife , why can’t my dad like this?” I never thought much of it until recently. My son was only 10 years old.
Their evil action affect everyone. I definetely think they lose a lot of respect from others once they are exposed. Who would want a liar as a friend, co worker , boss or relative. Someone who said to the world “for sickness and in health ” and then just gets up and abondons that very same person. But of course they will make up lies to cover up and shift the blame on us. What losers and cowards.
A counselor once told me “your husbands dark desires , secrets and hatred for you are greater than the love for his son. “
kaya48
Your counselor gave wise words. I know my ex does not have any love for my daughter, he only used her to harm me, and in so doing, only gave harm to her, never gave her love. Oh he TOLD her that he loved her, but no one defines “love” as the tool to harm others. He made my daughter feel special if she was cruel and controlling and rejecting of me. If she ridiculed me and degraded me, called me stupid and lazy, laughed at how ugly I was… then he poured approval on her, she was “one of his inside group”. But he dumped her when he had other fish to fry, and now… he’d like her to come back so he can use her again to harm me. I have regained myself and that does not sit well with him.
I know my ex does not hate me for who I am, he just hates anyone who does not submit to his self entitled superiority (which means he hates everyone, he is completely adversarial, everything is a contest to him, something for him to prevail, even when the other person doesn’t realize they are in a contest. It does make it easier for him to prevail when the target doesn’t realize a contest is occurring.). He hates my daughter too, because she failed to submit to him completely. She failed to remain his minion, but she also submitted to being his minion… and sociopath USE minions at the same time they hate them for being “less than”. It’s a catch22 with a sociopath.
There is NO appeasing or space in a sociopath’s soul for anything but destruction and evil.
Kaya48
Oh those little messages from our “wiser than us” children! My son asked me why I’d want to play this stupid game when he was 10. He now has the most beautiful relationship with his girlfriend and I couldn’t be happier that he learned from this and made perfect choices based on his observation – my daughter is just a mess but I know why and I’m certain that I can help her rise above this and be happy.
NWHSOM
I’ve watched all the girls seek the spaths approval. It must be a girl thing – Daddys little girl kinda thing that they seek out his approval? Maybe my daughter was mimicking my desire for the spaths approval, we certainly talked about it and she did say that the thing that p***ed her off the most was that it didn’t matter how nasty he was to her she still wanted him to approve of her…