UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not
Exactly. Destruction and evil. I think that the co worker who entered our marriage is a sociopath also. What happens if both are sociopaths ? Never thought about this scenario .
Kaya48
Bonny and Clyde comes to mind!
notwhathesaidofme
im not married i did the bread to board divorce almost 2 years ago i hv not been w my ex for that time. when i started w m np he was separated. he went bk and then said he was leavg again. i did not find out abt amanda until dec of last yr. so i didnt know he was canoodling w herwhile he was w the wife bcs he said they were separate waitg to split. i only saw him 2 times from when he went bk to his wife sept and nov. i had no idea what was going on until 2nd wk of dec. my ex he i guess was missing me and wanted to go w me to my personal counselor. i nvr wanted to break up np’s marriage. i wanted him and our good times bk. if i had known the truth abt amanda and his wife i wld hv nvr even seen him. i miss np bcs he was so sweet to me and was supportive at wk. i moving and my np was going to b part of that too. as far as the hug when i see np i wish he thought i was special but i wasnt
inthemiddleofheartache
What is “bread to board divorce” and how can it be that he is still your husband if you are divorced? If you can not file taxes as “single”, then you are not divorced and not available. People who are separated are still married, legally and morally. That a jerk presented himself as divorced was Immoral, and Unethical. He was a LIE from the moment he said Hi to You.
I don’t know the words to help you to see that you ARE SPECIAL but that it doesn’t come from anyone outside YOU. Being SPECIAL is an outcome of self-respect. YOU give that to YOU. Then and only then can you share it with another who ALSO has self-respect.
(note that self-respect is NOT self esteem, which sociopaths have in spades)
NO disordered person thinks ANYONE is “special”. They live for power, dominance, and control. Not for feelings or care or love or tenderness. It has NOTHING to do with YOU because it is MISSING in his character. He was sweet because he was scamming you. Decent people don’t give to a Scammer who is MEAN so scammers know to pretend to be nice. You were NEVER going to get what you wanted from him. He can’t give something that he doesn’t have. He’s a FRAUD.
Please. Take care of YOU. He’s not for you and that’s a GOOD thing. As hard as it is to imagine, there is GOOD out there waiting for a GOOD woman to NOTICE that THEY are able to GIVE care, feelings, regard, respect, and tender LOVE.
notwhathesaidofme
im not married i did the bread to board divorce almost 2 years ago i hv not been w my ex for that time. when i started w m np he was separated. he went bk and then said he was leavg again. i did not find out abt amanda until dec of last yr. so i didnt know he was canoodling w herwhile he was w the wife bcs he said they were separate waitg to split. i only saw him 2 times from when he went bk to his wife sept and nov. i had no idea what was going on until 2nd wk of dec. my ex he i guess was missing me and wanted to go w me to my personal counselor. i nvr wanted to break up np’s marriage. i wanted him and our good times bk. if i had known the truth abt amanda and his wife i wld hv nvr even seen him. i miss np bcs he was so sweet to me and was supportive at wk. i moving and my np was going to b part of that too. as far as the hug when i see np i wish he thought i was special but i wasnt
in the state i live in the bread to board divorced allowed to keep my ex in my health ins. it requires an end date but they recognize it as divorce.
i never thought I wld be in this and thought what he tld me was the the truth. my ex lied too as he was passive aggressive to me. i just wanted some happiness and when i met my np. i am hurt angry and feel like i was the only one that was hurt. i feel bad for his wife i wld love to speak w her but my counselor said no. i really want the pain to go away and move on. this whole thing doesnt feel real. and at wk my np never comes in my ofc. i buy candy for everyone and he just got transferred. i was so surprised he even wanted to hug me. i want him to b sorry for what he did.
inthemiddleofheartache
I am so sorry…the disconnect from what you and what is possible is a HUGE heartache for you. It is impossible for the married cheating sociopath to ever be sorry for what he did. That requires introspection and a conscience. He doesn’t have one and he never will. Heartless is how he is made. He is a predator, that’s how he operates in life.
I see now that you were not healed from your marriage and this jerk came along when you were vulnerable and just like a predator, implied he could give you something that is impossible for him. It’s such a cliché move of jerks, to prey on your marriage situation. It’s been a terrible emotional hurt on top of terrible emotional hurt for you.
I am not surprised the jerk wanted to hug you. I would have predicted that one. They have NO FEELINGS, no remorse. By hugging you, he asserting his control and dominance over you. He was more than NOT SORRY. In the terminology from other LoveFraud victims, He “slimed” you.
I live in the USA, there is no “bread to board” divorce here. You are either “single” or “married” (can be married but separated which is still married). But we do have laws that require health insurance to be maintained for X amount of time if there is a non-working spouse in the divorce. My ex ignored that law. The law only works if it is enforced.
Thank you for your reply. Without disclosing my location I did it bcs my ex has a health condition. I orginally thought that when we original were getting divorced we may have worked it out. this was before the np. today was the final that the mediator gets the report and then it goes to the judge and then its over. This is what we did bcs it was the best thing to do.
HanaleiMoon, in the state I live in we can do this. I dont know how to explain it except that I didnt want my ex to be without healthcare. you can google it and it will explain it. And I know what you are saying is true all of you. I feel like crap bcs the same stuff np did so did my ex. I guess today was a eye opener even more to the choices that I have made. Not to mention I am suffering from an emotional hangover. I got so excited bcs he came to me and not the other way around. So yes unfortunately bcs i am in so much emotional pain i caved. when he is not at work im ok i move and do what i have to. i have such a hard time believing what happened to me. seriously if i knew he was truly back with his wife and knew abt amanda I would not have done anything. i think i am so hurt, humiliated and feel like i have been kicked to the curb it is worse. I thought he was in a diff bedroom and getting ready to leave. Little did i know there was 3 of us. This has been so embarrasing too. I am working closely with the counselor and I am going back by myself on thurs. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i never had anyone do this to me in such a way he did. this is my first np and hopefully my last.
Argh… in the middle of heartache
I am trainable! I can learn. I am a little slow at it sometimes so I do laugh at myself but…I googled it. It’s called a “From Bread AND Board divorce”. It’s similar to a legal separation. People are economically divorced but still legally married. So… now I know. 🙂
Whoops!
I thought this was all happening in the US…
inthemiddleofheartache, so in the divorce he’s like a dependent for insurance purposes and you have to continue to file taxes jointly? How long does that go on? I can’t wrap my head around this concept.
About the hug scenario, it is a good practice in general to have no physical contact with ANYONE you work with, as it can be misconstrued and cause all kinds of problems. Simply, it is inappropriate in the workplace. Even worse for you in your situation, it is a direct route to more pain and confusion. (I work in a profession that is mostly male, and it is doubly worse in that environment.)
I feel like I know you by now, and I can see that the hug made you happy (because honestly, it’s clear you still have hope, even though you rationally know there is none and it’s bad for you) and I can also see that it gratified him, since he caused a behavior in you that he could then use against you (“don’t get excited” or whatever he said). So f’n typical.
My ex painted a lovely mental picture for me: he said that he always had his finger in my belt loop and that I was always safe, because he would never let me fall. He said it so many times, with so much sincerity (puke) that it was one of the contributors to me ignoring his completely sh***y treatment of me for the prior year to year and a half and moving forward and buying a house with him. 3 1/2 years later and I’m still trying to sort out my life. You are SO lucky that this blew up before you set up housekeeping (in a semi-sort of way) with him, a married man with two toddlers. You were destined to lose, and trust me, I mean REALLY trust me, it would be worse for you at that point.
This man of yours is a bastard, and he is working the system in more ways than one. He is a cheater and he is wasting the taxpayers money. I know this because my ex was also a public agency employee and he wasted so much of the taxpayers money”and he was responsible for several women losing their jobs. The agency also paid him off (at the taxpayers expense) in order to get him to leave to limit their liability and mitigate even further damage in the press. I’ve danced around this, but I have seen it happen more than once that the man in these peccadillos in the workplace comes out smelling like a rose while the women are shamed, demoted, transferred to siberia, or worse. You are sitting in the right spot with the right jerk for this to potentially happen to you.
I understand how sad, alone and terrible you feel because I have been there but please, please pull yourself together when it comes to the workplace and conduct yourself with so much professionalism that you are beyond reproach. Even if you do that, you are still in a precarious position. All you need is for his wife, or Amanda (or Susie or Jeannie) to come in and lose it and point the finger at you. You think this would never happen, but it does. Stop bringing in candy for everyone”or put it somewhere else, not at your workstation. There should be NO reason for him to stop or linger by you.
The sooner you put some distance between yourself and this thing with him, the better off you will be in all areas of your life. If there is ever a question of impropriety that comes up, all eyes will focus on YOU. Make sure that doesn’t happen.
I understand your workplace and the workings of agencies so well I could write the wikipedia write up on them. Trust me.
Oh, ps inthemiddleofheartache, I forgot to say HE WILL NEVER BE SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID so don’t waste any energy on that.
I had a chance to go over all the events since friday. I have to explain that when i met my np he stated he was in the same place marital wise that i was. He was unhappy and left his wife too and we were both getting divorces. I am not sure now if he even really did that or what was the truth. I bonded with him bcs i thought he and i were on similar levels. The funny thing is now looking back i wonder if his wife even knew abt me. I know abt the wife and amanda, but i dont either of them know abt me. How is that? i didnt even consider the wife bcs he said he was already separated. this is why amanda is so upsetting to me bcs she became part of the mix after i had him. so to me my anger is not at wife but amanda. i know she is going to live this too but maybe not. On friday he probably wanted to give the hug to get the ego kibbles bcs he knew he was seeing her today. I went over some of his behaviors on friday and he was disappearing, on his phone a lot, the computer. ( we work in a small ofc and you see everything bcs his workstation is in the copier room). when he would be getting ready to see me on a specific day, he would be sending messages up the wazoo. he was very engaged with the phone on friday. it really doesnt matter but it is behaviors that are similiar which is why it probably subconsciously got me amped up and when he gave me the hug is calmed me down bcs i sensed something was up. this is how i found out most of the stuff when it was like this. i got a message on sat morning then nothing until late sun nite around 11pm. he is no good and a creep. I get that. I need to find out why this thing with amanda bothers me so much or if it is a jealousy issue that i have. I must say after meeting with my ex for the finalization i am glad that i got the divorce. he didnt care for me the way a husband should to a wife and more stuff came out there too. which is also the reason i am emotionally raw. i did myself in friday only to finish it with sunday. I am home today packing more of the house figuring what stuff i can take and what we are splitting. this is no fun, and with me knowing np was going to be there made it a little easier. but i know that this is going to be just me. and all the comments that i need to love myself and care about myself well i am trying and it is very hard. i dont have family but my daughter who i am not getting involved in this bcs she is away at school and needs to focus there. my mom who abused me is out in another state and would only use this to whip me and blame me. i dont have any girlfriends anymore i only have you guys. just so everyone knows i would not do anything to hurt anyone. i would rather hurt myself than do that. i feel so bad about all of this and wld like to speak to both wife and amanda. probably not right now but at some point. This was the worst mistake of my life and i feel so ripped off. And NP is totally ok, ok with what he did to me and i guess since he is still canoodling with amanda, he has the wife i guess, amanda and way off on the side me, this is how everyone treats me. off to the side and bring me in when you need me. i feel like a dog who is only loved when it is convenient for the person. i am so sad inside bcs i tried to be a good person and care abt NP and for that matter my ex. see where it got me no where.
Inthemiddleofheartache, everything you feel is appropriate for the situation. It is terrible, but with a lot of hard work, you will get through it.
One of the reasons you are stuck in an endless loop is that you see him daily due to your job. (Do I understand right that he is sending you messages at 11pm at night? Why are you allowing/entertaining this? You know no contact is the only way to save yourself, right?) I think right now it is still making you feel better (in a worse sort of way) or connected to him that you can still have contact. Checking for his patterns is not helping you cut ties with him and focus on yourself. Please talk to your therapist about what you are doing and let her help you with techniques to break this harmful pattern.
I can understand your feeling that everyone treats you off to the side. I felt much the same way and had to face the difficult reality that I allowed it and make changes in myself. That meant a massive housecleaning of people in my life. Many disappeared at the first sign I was in trouble. Others stayed around to poke in the ruins of the train wreck. I understand doing it all alone, and while it’s not easy, it is doable. I’d love to have support but I’d rather be on my own than have the fair weather, user friends that I used to think I could count on. The few new friends I have are different. They are real. The old adage “we teach people how to treat us” is painfully true, and I had to learn that the hard way. As you move forward and find joy in life again, things will change, and new people will come into your life.
Sometimes we hang onto things that are bad for us because we don’t think we can get anything better. That is a lie, and don’t believe it. Please be open and honest with your therapist so she can give you techniques to feel better!
Inthemiddle
“You’d rather hurt yourself than anyone else!” Have a good look honey because you are hurting yourself – we all did it, we are or were that person to. I know I’d never intentionally hurt someone else before myself and I will always take the blame first as I’ve seen you do over this situation. WE NEED TO CHANGE THAT!
I feel sorry for you lot in the US.
We here, in Australia, can add anyone to our health fund at a small additional cost – I can add the old lady next door if I want…. I made a deal with my spath that he continues to pay the health fund and I’ll continue to pay the house insurance.
As for joint tax returns because you’re in a relationship, that sounds crazy to me?… we file joint tax returns for business partnerships only.
If Hanalei can’t get her head around the bread and board divorce then try it from down under lol 😉
undertheradar, you’re right, I’d be VERY uncomfortable with that ongoing connection since I couldn’t even get my ex to pay his share of the house payment when his name was on both the loan and title of the house. I can’t see how he would honor the commitment to continue to pay my health insurance! Yikes!! My trust in anyone doing what they said they’d do is all blown to smithereens!!
I appreciate your advice. I didnt get a message just a request to play a game. I try not to read into things but i am a pattern person. I watch patterns to read people bcs this is how i survived as a child who was molested and raped. I only noticed it bcs is was something familiar and remembering that part of my relationship i liked with him. I do want to let go of it but it is hard everyday seeing him. I also want to agree with neveragain, yes i just realized that yes my values have changed and this has happened to me. Even though my counselor is good i may need to go to someone who specifically does this type of work. I hate it i think of him and want to still fix this bcs of my nature.
Hanalei
It does concern me that he’d take me off the health fund without my knowledge, I ring them once a month to confirm it but I’m lucky enough to be able to commence my own fund within a month of being removed from his and not have a waiting period. At the moment I need it to cover the work I’m having on my teeth because I was grinding them in my sleep. Lol as I say grr!
I can’t stop paying the house insurance though – I can’t risk that he’d cover it in case he loses it when he finds out what part I played in his demise…
But, here in Australia, I’m not responsible for his debts once we’re separated, even though we’re not divorced, I’m only responsible for debts in my name – the houses. We also have free health care here if we need it so I didn’t pay for my hospital visit last month nor was the health fund accessed for it – we truly are the lucky country!
Undertheradar
Lol I like your comment about the salesman!
Before finding out what a sociopath was, I’d have pictured a really nice looking man with lots happening in his favor…that was pure ignorance on my part
Now I know they come in all shapes, colors, bald/not bald, dirty or clean, tall or short, rotten teeth or perfect teeth…and perhaps the sales man tying to charm us into buying that new outfit is a sort of S as well, because he is sort of doing what our S does…charming is with his words! You can’t trust anyone anymore!
janedoe
At least with a salesman, you know their motive is sales. It’s not to humiliate, control, dominate, defraud, and destroy your life and your future.
I’ve seen a few “salesmen” completely devastate their clients lives, on the news, over the years. Not to mention how the spath sold himself as the perfect partner to me and then went on to sell that same BS story to all our friends – we all bought it…
undertheradar,
My point was about a normal sales transaction. But my, many of our, ex’s could be the epitome of a used car salesman.
AARRGGHHHHhhhh! Salesmen! Yes, there are sociopaths everywhere! Especially in Sales!
And yes! They do “sell” their schtick VERY well. My ex could get good people to do some very bad things. He was a master manipulator, seductive, the most popular guy in his class, but not well regarded by the “unpopular” kids who were his first victims… but I didn’t find this out until much later. My ex also controlled who I talked to or who talked to me.
UGH! NWHSOM, my one of my ex’s favorite words was “schtick”. Everyone had a schtick. Not him though. Nope. No way!! LOL
HahaleiMoon
People have pet names for their dear loves. I know I did. But when going through the divorce, I changed his pet name, I forgot until this post because I don’t talk to him… but it’s salesman based pet name.
I call him, the flimflam man.
Not
My s was very careful about who I could speak to and keep me right away from the people he worked with because they knew what he was doing. I found out, several times, that he’d convinced everyone in the police force that I was crazy all to garnish sympathy and avoid detection. He thought that they would excuse his behavior because they thought I was crazy and he was the poor guy that had to live with it – bloody hell!
I had a chance to go over all the events since friday. I have to explain that when i met my np he stated he was in the same place marital wise that i was. He was unhappy and left his wife too and we were both getting divorces. I am not sure now if he even really did that or what was the truth. I bonded with him bcs i thought he and i were on similar levels. The funny thing is now looking back i wonder if his wife even knew abt me. I know abt the wife and amanda, but i dont either of them know abt me. How is that? i didnt even consider the wife bcs he said he was already separated. this is why amanda is so upsetting to me bcs she became part of the mix after i had him. so to me my anger is not at wife but amanda. i know she is going to live this too but maybe not. On friday he probably wanted to give the hug to get the ego kibbles bcs he knew he was seeing her today. I went over some of his behaviors on friday and he was disappearing, on his phone a lot, the computer. ( we work in a small ofc and you see everything bcs his workstation is in the copier room). when he would be getting ready to see me on a specific day, he would be sending messages up the wazoo. he was very engaged with the phone on friday. it really doesnt matter but it is behaviors that are similiar which is why it probably subconsciously got me amped up and when he gave me the hug is calmed me down bcs i sensed something was up. this is how i found out most of the stuff when it was like this. i got a message on sat morning then nothing until late sun nite around 11pm. he is no good and a creep. I get that. I need to find out why this thing with amanda bothers me so much or if it is a jealousy issue that i have. I must say after meeting with my ex for the finalization i am glad that i got the divorce. he didnt care for me the way a husband should to a wife and more stuff came out there too. which is also the reason i am emotionally raw. i did myself in friday only to finish it with sunday. I am home today packing more of the house figuring what stuff i can take and what we are splitting. this is no fun, and with me knowing np was going to be there made it a little easier. but i know that this is going to be just me. and all the comments that i need to love myself and care about myself well i am trying and it is very hard. i dont have family but my daughter who i am not getting involved in this bcs she is away at school and needs to focus there. my mom who abused me is out in another state and would only use this to whip me and blame me. i dont have any girlfriends anymore i only have you guys. just so everyone knows i would not do anything to hurt anyone. i would rather hurt myself than do that. i feel so bad about all of this and wld like to speak to both wife and amanda. probably not right now but at some point. This was the worst mistake of my life and i feel so ripped off. And NP is totally ok, ok with what he did to me and i guess since he is still canoodling with amanda, he has the wife i guess, amanda and way off on the side me, this is how everyone treats me. off to the side and bring me in when you need me. i feel like a dog who is only loved when it is convenient for the person. i am so sad inside bcs i tried to be a good person and care abt NP and for that matter my ex. see where it got me no where.
inthemiddleofheartache
Yes, they use our empathy to trap us. I felt so bad for my ex. He had awful parents too, just like me. And like me, I thought he was the exception in his family, that he had the same values as I did. It was his image, but it wasn’t who he really was. Rather it was just the image he used to trap people. He used a variation with others. He was always “one of them”… he “understood them”.
You mention how he acted on Friday. This is a typical behavior, to cause high stress, high anxiety, high drama and then swoop in and be the “solution”. It’s described very well in “The Betrayal Bond”. It’s also a form of Stockholm Syndrome. You have been truly mindf* .
As hard as this has been on you, this guy has two little kids? They will be the biggest victims because at least we adults know that sociopathic behavior is bizarre. For those kids, sociopathic trauma will be NORMAL.
Congrats to you that you recognize it is wrong to involve or inform your child about this situation. It’s a hard enough Mindf* for us, you are sparing her a great deal of grief.
I know it’s hard to love ourselves if we didn’t do that to begin with. So rather than try to make yourself “love yourself”, think instead of the ways to make your life a little extra special.
The other things that stands out in your post is how cut off you are from a support system. Granted only people on LF seem to get the nightmare of sociopaths. But no girlfriends? Do you have other hobbies, interests? No place to hang with people and have fun that has nothing to do with Mr Sociopath? Try to find a group for yourself. It will enhance the quality of your life.
thanks I had a friend and he dumped me bcs he didnt want to hear what i was going thru. i had been friends with him for 12 years. i was helping him and he got tired of hearing me talk abt the np and all that is going on with me. he is disabled and he was going to get surgery to have his leg removed and i was helping him. i guess helping didnt involve talking. i dont have girlfriends and really never did bcs it always turned out bad prob bcs i picked the wrong people for that too. i go to a group but it is not the kind of thing you start off with. and with this group it is abt relationships and the women are just as bad as i am. i need to be around someone who can help me see through the wilderness..I am extremely angry today as i am packing more stuff and thinking abt my ex and how he screwed me too. and my np who is canoodling with amanda. what did she do diff that i didnt to keep him. he has given her more time and attention than he ever gave me. i did not have him as much as she is.
Inthemiddleofheartache, NWHSOM gave some good advice awhile ago and it was to basically keep this drama to yourself when meeting new people. I know it was hard for me to do, but really, it is the only way to connect with people. I have taken her advice to heart. If asked, I just say I had a relationship end awhile back.
Your goal in meeting others is not to find someone to talk to about this situation, it’s to share common interests and have a bit of fun!
With regard to your friend who dumped you, it sounds like he had a lot on his own plate to deal with! We have to be sensitive, even when our problems seem like they rule the world. My therapist told me something I will never forget: most good people will hang with you through acute (short term) problems, but few can hang through chronic ones. She’s right. Because we are the types of people who will hang on until the last dog is hung, it is not healthy, and most people won’t do it. Take that into consideration.
This really is a crash course in LIFE.
the other thing was i didnt speak abt it all the time and the times I asked to hang out to watch a movie he never could. i was good enough to take him to drs appts, grocery shopping and watching his house but he had another women he was canoodling with and instead of being honest with her he had another agenda. he was wrong for dumping me as I didnt overwhelm with stuff. i didnt have time. my time was serving him. I dont know of any groups. what i am trying to say is it is not easy where i live to just join something. i dont want to speak abt my problems but the meeting i go to is for recovery and all the women are in the same place i am. i try to be upbeat but by gosh i am totally by myself and trying to get my head around what has happened to me and finding out there were alot of other things done to me by people that should not have been. this is no fun and with no one else to speak to i came on here so i could figure some things out. i tried NC but this is the hardest thing i have ever done. I never felt this way or had a relationship act this way in my life. My NP knows me better than i thought and is happy to shove it up my backside.
Janedoe
That is what I saw as well. I’ve come to terms with my gullible side 😉 and I’m no longer as trusting as I used to be. I keep my mouth shut more as well, then just slip away without detection because I don’t trust my instincts as much as I should yet – they scream and I listen but I find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt, as I’ve always done and my head then takes over – grr!
To all who have been there and healed as well as those who are still trying to find solid ground under the quicksand…..I am very thankful for all I have read on this website. There are many insightful people who are willing to listen and give sound advice and referrals. The self-doubt, the need for closure that never comes, the wish that things would and could have been as they seemed, the hesitancy to move forward. Let me share something that my new counselor said that may help those of us who are still struggling. He said that people who have not been involved with a psychopath have no basis for understanding and cannot really get a grasp on how and why this relationship is so damned difficult, more so than the rest. My psychologist said that this relationship IS different because it has changed our values – the values that we carried for a lifetime. We always believed people were basically good and we could love them enough to help them. Learning that people are NOT basically good and no amount of love with help them changes everything that we have believed to be so for our entire lifetime. So now we are floundering in a sea of uncertainty, trying to establish new values with the information we have received. It is not like a normal breakup between 2 healthy people – it is vastly different. And we were targeted because of our good hearts, we did not CHOOSE this life. He will be working with me going forward to establish new and healthier values rather than continue to be naive. I will share what I learn, but after just 1 appointment, I now understand that we are in control of where we draw our line in the sand. WE decide when enough is enough and when the newest crisis has crossed the line into “too much.” We all fell into the same trap, and the way out of the trap is the same for each of us. I will continue to share what I learn via my psychologist in the hopes that we are all on the way to becoming stronger, healthier people. Never Again!!!!
Bravo, Neveragain51!! Perfectly said! This is why I have said therapy is so important! I too came away from my very first session feeling so much better – my therapist immediately recognized my ex as a sociopath and told me that 1) it was not my fault, 2) how I was feeling was appropriate for the circumstances and 3) there was nothing wrong with me.
I’m so excited for you!!
Neveragain
I agree with Hanalei – bravo! I also agree with you that this site has been a valuable source of support and I couldn’t have come this far without it 🙂
Thanks, HanaleMoon! It was important to hear the exact words that I needed to hear from someone who truly understood. And it was your wisdom and the hope of recovery that led me to make the decision to see him. You have much wisdom to offer, and I am glad you were on this website to offer your advice for recovery. You helped me greatly before I ever saw the therapist! So thank you too
Never and HM….this is exactly why I feel so good coming here and reading the posts daily. I still struggle and know that I will for some time. Every one here has so much to offer. We have all been through and still going through a difficult time. I know that I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. It will always be in the back of my mind and will creep up from time to time.
This weekend, I went to my Zen place. The beach. For two days, I let it all go. I had fun with friends, I was on the water’s edge, I soaked up the sun. He did not ruin that place for me because we never went together. And I am thankful for that. It is the one place that I love the most and glad that it isn’t tainted by him. So many times, he was supposed to go with me but like most at the last minute, couldn’t make it. And again, I am glad!
Today is 7 days NC. No contact from him and none from me.
Here’s to everyone’s recovery.
Freedom
Lucky you! I wish my stalker didn’t ruin my favorite beach for me. I now have to drive to other beaches and keep having to change which beach I go to because we live on the coast and I walk on the beach every day. We’re also having this really weird tropical weather this summer and the humidity is 100% most days so I’m swimming after work to cool down.
Congratulations on the 7 days! I have also gone a full week with no response from me but the s is still trying to contact me and I don’t want to change that pattern because it will land him in jail if it continues… oh to having to play this stupid game!
Under…thanks. I am glad that there hasn’t been any contact. But he usually goes a week then contacts me. Hoping that isn’t the case. But all of his numbers are blocked on my phone!
And congrats to you as well!
Now, I am jealous, I want to walk on the beach every day! 🙂
Freedom
2 more emails and I’m off for a walk before work – I am contemplating a move further up the coast but it scares me to start finding work again if I do that…
Enjoy your walk!!
Neveragain51, thank you so much for your kind words! I’m proud that my words helped you make the decision to see the therapist!
It really is amazing to talk to a therapist that truly understands and you sound like a new person already! That will only get better with each visit, and with this support and the tools you will have, you will weather the inevitable rough spots more quickly and smoothly.
I got to the point where I would go in for my appointment with a new horror, my therapist would basically go “pffft” I would laugh and present her with my solution and the horror was handled. Her guidance, support and encouragement was worth double it’s weight in gold.
HanaleiMoon
Once again we share similar history. When I’d go for my therapist sessions and tell her about the newest confusion for me, she’d interrupt me and with a wry smile say, “let me guess. it’s ALL your fault.” Yep, she never called him sociopath but she knew his M.O. As I’ve said, it took a while to find her but she is my gem.
NWHSOM, my therapist never called my ex a sociopath directly either, but I assume it is because they are careful not to diagnose someone they’ve never met. But they for sure know the M.O.
Freedom 15…you GO girl! You can do this….I have the same feeling about this website. It is a God-send.
One more thing….it is a GOOD thing that we carry this experience with us for the rest of our lives. Not for continued suffering, but to remember the pain of the suffering in order to keep our ten-foot poles handy and our eyes open (without the rose-colored glasses) to see the good people for who they are and the bums for who THEY are.
I agree. This “experience” will help me. I didn’t want it but now know what to look for. I did put myself in it by becoming involved with a married man and I have said in the past that I have to live with that. What I didn’t ask for was to be treated with such distain. To be played like a fiddle. To have my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped on and then made to feel like I was at fault.
We all deserve better. We all deserve to heal. Every day that I wake up and get out of bed is a good day. Every day that I do not cry is a good day. Oh, I will have bad ones but I pray that they are far and few.
And I will come here when I feel that twinge that I need some kind of answer. I think we all need that slap of reality!
this is me too. i had no idea what was going to happen to me. I never thought he would have done this to me. I thought he cared about me and to rip my heart out and continually stomp on me i dont get it. i have been blamed bcs he had been hiding me and hiding what he did to me.
I can say this with absolute sincerity…each day gets a little better. My NC is only a few weeks old, but I did move 1000 miles away so I have not seen her in about 8 months. Her only form of contact left was email, and I have complete control over email messages. Sometimes I feel that twinge that you were talking about…someone here reminds me of her and my stomach goes up into my throat, but it’s just my imagination playing tricks because she doesn’t know where I am. I have not cried over her in several months now, and NC helps my mind to remember EVERYTHING, not just the good and tender memories that I was choosing before. I remember the stories that didn’t make sense but her crocodile tears broke my heart so I went along against my better judgement. I have learned that emotions can be faked, and some folks are excellent at recalling tears on demand. I have been re-reading her old email messages this morning, and they SOUND so sincere. But there was no action, just promises that were always broken. I grew to depend on a promise being broken. No, I didn’t want that life…I didn’t choose it. But I am actually GRATEFUL for it! My naive state was not healthy, and I was an open billboard for any and all thieves. I could have lost my family over her, but I didn’t. I could have lost my health over her, but I didn’t. I could have lost my entire retirement account over her, but I didn’t. So I am truly grateful for the education that I received. The cost was great, but it was not everything. I am still here and growing stronger by the day. And the desire to reopen that contact is growing weaker by the day. It is happening, and it is good.
Not
My ex was the same. He did not want me to talk to other people. Even when he was in the army he hated when I made friends with other army wives. He wanted me to be isolated and just available for him. He probably was afraid to be exposed.
I will never forget when a young soldier asked him how he got promoted so fast. My ex’s answer was “oh that’s easy , you just manipulate everyone and make them think it’s their fault at all times. “. He was drunk when he said that. But he spoke the truth for once.
Watching the sunrise this morning, I reflected on my “new” life. It’s amazing how calmer I feel, always relaxed. Not ready for the next drama. Not wondering what woman he is seeing now. It’s just great.
In the middle
I feel for you. Being in that “group of his ego kibble feeders” is not good. I hope you will remain strong and remove yourself from it. Please take my word. Nothing has empowered me more than ignoring my ex, staying no contact and at the same time let him know. “Enough is enough, it’s over “. Without ever having to talk to him because silence is the greatest weapon you have. Please use it to your advantage. I did and I am in control now.