UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
In the middle
You are still focusing way too much on Amanda. She is not does she have anything special. She was just “available” to him, probably feeds him his ego kibbles. They get tired easily. Hd probably wanted a different variety of “ego kibbles “. Do not compare yourself with his wife , Amanda , or some other woman. Yes, I did the same. What did the 20!year old co worker have, what I didn’t ? It’s not about the other women/ girls. It’s him and only him who has the problem.
Amanda will meet the same fate as you, it’s just a matter of time. Be blessed and grateful that you are NOT Amanda or his wife. They are in a worse situation as you. Let him be with her. You cannot stop him. He made his choice. Now it’s time you make your choice.
kaya48
I actually worry a bit about Amanda. If I understand correctly, she’s a foreign exchange person that they are hosting. If I understand this correctly, she is VERY vulnerable and possibly a hostage.
NWHSOM, what!? You mean Amanda is living with him and his wife/estranged wife?! What a messed up deal.
Now I’m worried about Amanda too. And I agree with you, Kaya, that Inthemiddle is focused way too much on Amanda and finding herself lacking. So self defeating.
Hi, amanda got kicked out by the wife/dont know if she is still there and he says he hasnt been with her but he was today. and no one likes to have someone else thrown in their face. he said to me i will show you a picture of amanda and you decide. she has gotten more time from him his attention and giving her things. i never got any of this stuff. i did not get the 1000+ texts that she got with him which got him busted with the wife. I just dont like it bcs everything is hidden like it never happened to me. like he never treated me bad and did what he did to me. he tried to lie and not admit there were things going on with amanda until i had him in the lie. i hate that he comes around sniffing and i do miss him i wont lie. remember i had him all to myself, i dont know now bcs of what has happened but he wasnt with the wife just me. then he had me wife and amanda. yes it bothers me. I never thought he would have hurt me this way. I was never special and he acts so defensive of her. when i confronted him abt telling amanda abt me and him he said are you threatening me. he didnt want to do and when i asked him on friday abt her he got totally defensive and said he wasnt speaking abt her.
It is sad that I am a woman who is broken hearted and just plain broken. when i met the np i thought i had found someone that cared abt me. i waited before i was intimate with him and he was so kind. i had no idea this would happen and my life at work had been smooth. we never had any fights or disagreements until sept of last year. right around the time of amanda moving in his house. I honestly dont know what the truth is anymore regarding his wife or whatever he is doing. I would do a drive by the house but that prob wouldnt be a good idea. I feel horrible that this person has a hold on me as he does and i am not strong enough to get myself away. all my views and values have been smashed to bits along with all the other dreams i held in my heart. i dont even have a heart anymore. nothing i got nothing.
Inthemiddleofheartche, I have read bits & pieces of your story…is this correct?
he is married and had an affair with you & this amanda??
My advise is please please please dont settle your life away with this type of evil man. He is playing his wife, you & this other woman and most likely a long list of other woman. Guess what if he left his wife or she kicked him to the curb for good he would still cheat on any woman that became his primary gf or his mistress. He loves the control & power it gives him. He will never stop his evil behavior.
My ex h cheated on me over and over while all along telling me he loved me & the was so happy that he was married to me…mean while he was telling his countless mistress that he wanted a divorce & that he loved them. He was conning all of us to stay in his con game. The best thing I ever did was pack my bags and follow the no contact rule.
As hard as it is, you have to break your mind free from all of his mind control & brain washing. Dont do this alone there is help for you…
I would highly recommend that you call your countries National Domestic violence hotline in the USA 800-799-SAFE 24/7 365 days to talk with a free counselor and to get your local abuse center number so that you can make a free appointment to talk with a counselor and join a free women group meetings. You have to start to take back your power. This guy is never going to wake up and change for the good. What you have experienced in pain is exactly what he will always give you and any other woman in his life. He is a con artist.
I am truly sorry that you got caught you in his web of deception. Follow the No Contact rule asap. You can do it!!! Following the “Narcissist No contact rule” (google) is a true life saver!! It’s the only way to break the emotional bond he has created. you will get through this pain…keep reaching out for help with your countries national domestic violence hotline.
inthemiddleofheartache
Are you reading the messages to you? Because if I read your posts, it seems you are not… or perhaps you are very selective in what you are reading. This post alarms me. The depression and disconnection is Alarming! PLEASE seek HELP??!!
LF does not seem to be a healthy place for you at this time. Please seek help from a mental health professional. We are NOT professionals and sometimes people need more.
I needed more for a time. I needed anti-anxiety meds. Sometimes people have been depressed for years. You had a bad marriage and then this. I don’t see ANY time for you to have worked on childhood issues, or recovered from your bad marriage, and then this horrid relationship…
Take a break from LF, contact a mental health professional. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Then you can make a real plan for living a life of honoring YOU.
Amanda was NOT the problem… HE was. He is a person without conscience. His Poor wife! His poor young children. Poor YOU!! He leaves a path of misery and destruction. HE does this. No one else.
So… get help. Go NC. Regain your self respect by doing those things that a good hearted person does. HE is NOT one of those things that gives anyone self respect.
HM, thanks for stating that about talking to people about this experience. Only two people on my side know about this. My best friend and my mom. It has been hard for me to explain why I am not with anyone. This weekend for instance, I was asked by a friend of a friend why I wasn’t dating anyone. My response was that I had been in a relationship for a while and only out a month or so. All the while, I am thinking…If you only knew….
I feel so much that I have truly been ” addicted” to this relationship!! I still don’t know how he did it, whether they specifically plan it all out and know what they are going to do .
I have not seen him for over a week and the desire to see him seems to have gone. And I certainly do not want to talk to him. Right now, it wouldn’t bother me if I never did again.
I am his loss!!,
He had a good friend in me but my qualities were wasted on him. Me…… Trying to support him, “comfort” him, cheer him up, make him laugh!!, well, he had plenty to laugh about if he just took a look at himself!!, joke!!,
Hi Elsa…your mind has awoken from his brain washing!! This is a good place to be Elsa…now you can read & see how he duped you. It sounds like he used some type of pity play to get you to “comfort him, cheer him up, make him laugh”. Pity play is one of the biggest tell tail signs that you are dealing with a sociopath especially if someone uses it right in the beginning of the relationship. Lovefraud has articles on “pity play” just go up to the top right and search the words pity play. ALso do a search “sociopath pity play”.
YES…everything they do is planned ahead. They are always on the search for new victims and playing mind games with anyone & everyone that walks in their path, they especially use pity play to see if potential victims will bit their bait.
I read about pity play. At the beginning, it was all about how we could be “there” for one another, help each other through lonliness. He said his wife had abandoned him to buddhism, didn’t sleep with him for the last five years, that the atmosphere int he house was u bearable at times , he didn’t feel heard etv etc.
i had no reason no to believe him, especially as his wife was equally vocal about him! I used to think it wasn’t nice in such a small community to around badmouthing her husband like she did. She once, infront of me, belittled him so badly that I actually to,d her that sowm things were best left said between each other and not infront of other people. I bet he loved that!!!!!!
He seemed to actually blossom under my encouragement, which was not particularly personal but rather linked to the work he did in my project. I am that kind of person ( an encourager!!) so it came naturally. He used to thank me profusely for giving him the opportunities I diid.
Than he got ” bored” and bad mouthed my project around town, called my company a bunch of *******
Hurt me so bad. But he is the biggest loser and his wife also for staying with him and keep on allowing him to abuse her. I did fel sorry for her but my friend says not to becaue she knows what he is like and just lets him continue.
But we all know how hard it is when you can’t see the truth!!
I went to the counselling session. It was OK!! the counsellor said he couldn’t comment on the sociopath aspect withot meeting him but agreed that he had played me.
He said that whatever basis the friendship was on, it was clear that he was on a differnt page and he was inconsistent and unreliable.
He said I should concentrate on myslef and learn t egt to the point where his thoughts/ reactions and any feelings were meaningless to me.
One thing he did say was that I should almost plan to see him so that I was in control . Not sure about that! He said I should just say hi and walk on and not get drawn I to any kind of communication.
And that he needed to go back to a place where he was just a casual acquaintance ( someone around town)
We talked about techniques to stop my thoughts racing ( which they largely have….. Just wish I could sleep right through the night)
I hadn’t told my husband I was going for counselling but have now.
Elsa, I am so proud of you, HIGH FIVE girl! Keep up the good work!!
You, little tough nut (lol), have come so far!! 🙂
Hi Elsa, great that you went to counseling! Bravo.
Like others have said it is very important to have a counselor that is fully educated on sociopathic abuse as not all counselors understand this type of abuse. (really very few). With this said if this counselor does not let you fully speak about your pain that was caused & does not give you key indication that his behavior was abusive & manipulative then find a new counselor.
Having said that I did like that he stated that you should “concentrate on” you. This is very important in the healing process, to get your mind off of your addiction that this evil guy created.
But this counselor not understanding the “no contact rule” is complexing as most counselors will tell you to walk away to avoid any manipulation, gas lighting abuse etc but most importantly so that the sociopath does not call the police on you when you have done nothing wrong (as these are the evil games sociopaths play) and the counselor will also give you tools after to walk away to deal with your feelings. Ask this counselor is he knows what gas lighting abuse & the no contact rule are, his answer will give you knowledge if he is educated on sociopathic/narcissistic abuse.
Just follow your gut with this counselor…remember YOU are in charge of your healing process and at any time can find a new counselor. I did, I followed my gut when I realized the first counselor I went to who told me that my ex was a sociopath (was the correct diagnosis), he gave me books to read & then this same counselor started to gas light me. What he did not count on was I recognized him doing the same that my ex did to me so I fired him that day. A friends gave me the counselors number and her sister also went to the same counselor and ended up firing the guy too because she thought he was creepy (I did not tell my friend that I fired him so she did not know when she told me what her sister said of the guy) so I know my gut was correct on the counselor.
Elsa, the sleep issue you are experiencing has to do with your adrenal glands producing to much cortisol and maybe hormonal imbalance do to all the stress the sociopath did to your mind (causing the racing mind).
Google: “Mia Lundin you tube videos” they will explain more.
ALso read her book & see adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz on the site to see how your adrenals are functioning, & DrLam. com, Mialundin. com (read her book)
I believe you stated you are 60? Even at that age you may need to balance your hormones after all of this stress = no big deal cream or pill.
To find a hormonal specialist google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name or see Adrenalfatigue. org for a complete list of doctors.
I had the same problem (like most victims do) I went to hormonal doctor (unknown to me at the time was on Dr Wilsons site adrenal fatigue.org list) and my doctor gave me progesterone pills (hormones) & dr wilsons adrenal fatigue vitamins and within hours my anxiety was half (literally) it was shocking!! Within days I was sleeping better. It is the missing link to fully healing.
The abuse causes a combo of Mind & body issues when coming out of a sociopathic abusive relationship. Dr Wilson states that 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adult life without knowing it and will go from doctor to doctor without the correct diagnosis. STESS &/poor died causes adrenal fatigue.
Hi Elsa!
Whoohoo! You deserve kudos for taking this positive step and getting help, validation, and tools to deal with this nightmare from the disordered dysfunctional person who has hijacked your life.
Like Jan7, I have my own set of standards for a therapists. It took quite a bit to find my gem. But a good therapist does make ALL the difference. Someone tangible, face to face, personal, and specific to YOU. As much as I value LF, let’s be honest… written words are filtered according to our own perceptions. I think that’s why it takes so much to sink in, especially when people are newly traumatized. We all know that FOG, where our reality has been blown to bits.
My #1 standard for a therapist is when I leave her, I feel more empowered than when I arrived, that I have some new tools to help myself. I look for someone who supports me as a person (One therapist I had shamed me, told me I was negative negative negative and that she didn’t blame my husband for his behavior… this was her response when I stated how hopeless I felt, that I was so tired, couldn’t stop crying… what a B!).
My gem of a therapist says People who seek help on their own are usually very motivated to improve their issues.
I am please to read your words because that’s what seems to have happened for you. You sound stronger, more assured, and mayhaps this will bring you and your husband into a healthier marriage!
I LOVE celebrating GOOD things happening! Thank you for sharing this! Whoohooooooo!
Thank you for your encouragement!
I still feel,sad BUT I recognise that he was never good for me, we were never on the same path and that he would continue to abuse me over and over if I gave him another chance.
I saw his wife tonight in town. I pretended I hadnt. I know she saw me and she was on her way home. Probably told the spath she had seen me!!
Jan, I did look up re the adrenal fatigue, took the quiz. It came back negative ( as in saying I wasn’t suffering from it, but I probably am)
I am attending to my dirt, fitness regime and doing mindfulness in order to focus on myself, which is helping!
I think I may try the domestic abuse counselling as an alternative. But his advice today was good. To concentrate on myslef, not him. He is irrelevant!!
I am happy to say that I am ( only?) 50!! Lol
Hi Elsa….ahhh I am soooo sorry to have age you by 10 years 😉 Maybe that is the secret to making others say WOW you look great for 60 when we are only 50 (Im coming up on this number)…I can see them asking us “What is your secret”…”well I tell people I am 10 years older then I really am” LOL!!
Elsa then your sleep issue is most likely caused from perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms. You most likely are deficient in progesterone hormone this is the natural calming hormone our body produces but as we age it is one of the first hormones to move to low levels as also too much stress can causes issues. It’s an easy fix just cream or pills from a hormonal specialist. Sleep issues with woman going through perimenapause & menopause is right up there with hot flashes as the biggest complaints of aging.
Dr Christina Northrup’s books are excellent on this subject (google Oprah Dr Christina Northrup you tube). See her site under her name and do a search on perimenopause symptoms.
Mia Lundin’s book (her videos on you tube explain sleep issues)
if you google “Mia Lundin perimenapausal sleep issues” you can read more about progesterone low issues.
Jan7
Thanks for the laugh and oh you’re so clever! If you don’t mind I’ll start using this one – I’m 10years older than I really am, gold!
In the middle
I really don’t know what other advice to give you. One thing, you should not drive by his house, ever. He will slap you with a restraining order , something he is surely capable of. It will be very expensive to get counsel to defend you for it. Please don’t do it.
Amanda got kicked out of the house. Says who? The liar? Please rethink, it’s all lies.
i hv nvr nor wld ever do that. i know for a fact she did get kicked out. i dont know abt anything else except that this is so painful
inthemiddleofheartache says:
February 16, 2015 at 10:40 pm
i hv nvr nor wld ever do that. i know for a fact she did get kicked out. i dont know abt anything else except that this is so painful
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Inthemiddleofheartache,
along with calling your national domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor (USA 800-799-SAFE) or google your countries number…you should also:
1) go up to the top of Lovefraud then go to the “Video” tab, click on “Lovefraud lessons”..& watch Donna’s excellent videos not just once BUT every time you get emotional…they will help to open your mind up from this evil guys brain washing.
2) go up to the top right of Lovefraud & do a search “No contact rule”….follow this rule ASAP!! Block his phone number, email etc…you can do this!! Also google “narcissist no contact rule” to read more about how to break the emotional bond he has over you.
3) search on Lovefraud & google the net for “Sociopath triangulation”. This is what they guy is doing with you and this other woman Amanda..the is intentionally triangulating you against her so that you dont look at him…he is deflecting your attention away from the real problem = HIM. Amanda & his wife are not your problem…HE IS THE PROBLEM he is playing all of you against each other.
Keep reading everything at the top of Lovefraud and related it to this evil guy & your relationship with him. YOU are the one that needs to take the steps to cut this emotional & mentally abusive man out of your life.
Remember Sociopaths are pathological liars…they lie about EVERYTHING!!!
Do you have proof he is divorced?? (he is probably lying about that too!!)
I absolutely agree with Not. In the middle you need get professional ASAP.
I agree with Kaya and NWHSOM”in fact, yesterday I urged Inthemiddle to get into counseling and consider meds to get over this loop she is stuck in.
Inthemiddle, the three of us have been where you are and understand. Your thinking has absolutely gotten to a place where you need outside help asap. NWHSOM is right on point, it does seem like you’re not even reading the advice you’re getting here and your responses are very disconnected and show no understanding. Your agency probably has confidential mental health visits available – call them now!
Me too! Inthemiddle, I agree with these very wise women – time out for yourself is required and it’s not tobad thing to ask for professional help nor is it a permanent thing to be under a professional. It will help you find the truth within this situation.
Bravo Not!
Hi everyone. I appreciate your concern which i did make phone calls. I do not want to not stay off of LF as I have said before I dont have any girlfriends bcs all the people in my life have been toxic, abusive and deceptive. I have a womens group that is a 12 step program. You are with others that are hurting too. There is not many people who have a lot of time under there belt.
I am sorry there is something in my brain that does not want to let go. The hurt that i have incurred is foreign to me and totally different than any other pain i have had.
Yesterday was bad as my daughters dad who i was never married to started again with taking me back to court. So everyone can understand and maybe relate this is what is going on with me.
1. I am getting harassed by my daughters father about child support and taking me back to court.
2. My daughter is saying disparging comments regarding the same when i have not discussed any of it with her as she is in college.
3. i work with the np and this has been hard for me.
4. i am packing my house and have trouble dealing with touching the things that reminds me of my past.
5. i am divorced and what i heard on sunday at the counselor hurt very badly to me.
6. I am moving into a place and will not have the np that was going to part of it.
So yes this has been a little hard and would be hard without the entanglement with a NP. I will do NC but with all that is going on it is not easy. some days are better than others. The one woman is speak to agreed that will all that i am going through without np is enough for anyone.
I am reading what your directing me too but it is not a switch that i can just turn off and the thoughts go away. This is such a mind baffling situation as it attacks so many of my values, thoughts and beliefs in one fell swoop. I have heard and read others going through similiar situations and it is maddening.
I need to continue to write on her unless the moderator blocks me or asks me to leave but I would hope you would have some patience with me. I am not going to do anything stupid as I have to work and keep my insurance and I can not take any time off bcs i am the only one doing this job.
please be patient.
I want to thank you for taking the time to reply to me and in great length. I appreciate it.
I did say that I did make phone calls and read the information provided. I am meeting someone tonite to help me further in the venue of NP/sociopaths as my primary counselor is not as versed.
I do want to get better and I have expressed at time that things have worked, but as you stated there is so much going on that it is hard to break it down.
As a side note, I didnt stay in bed yesterday I packed 22 boxes, getting ready for my move. I was sending messages in between packing so I could push myself to move on. The thoughts unfortunately got a bad hold on me yesterday especially after my daughter. I do hear what others say and it does encourage me. This is my bottom. Relationships are my issue (with men) and now i am working on that. I also had a lot of traumatic memories that has come out doing this work and i dont think i was prepared for it. I am pushing through but my steps are so baby that they are sporadic. I hope to be able to give other hope as dealing with the np at work is tough and i want to do it. i am at work today already saw him and acting like no big deal. i am trying.
Thank you to everyone for participating in my recovery and encouraging me. i will do it just dont know how quite yet that works for me. so i am trying many different things to see what works. I am a person who has just woke up and realized that I let a lot of things happen to me and now i see they are wrong. I need to fix that and its on every horizon for me. hopefully getting my own place and being by myself will help.
inthemiddle –
We are all on your side, cheering you on. YOU CAN DO IT!
You are moving into a new place. Make it your own. You don’t need to make anyone happy but you. You want a giant red wall with purple polka dots? an “ugly” lamp or a “too girly” chair? Go ahead – it is YOUR place and you don’t have to worry what anyone else thinks of it.
Create your sanctuary then use it to get reacquainted with yourself. Have fun making your own happy place. We believe in you. YOU CAN DO IT!
[imagine one of those cute little cheerleader emoticons here]
inthemiddleofheartache, you should applaud yourself for all that you are accomplishing this week. You have done a amazing job packing…when you are in a emotional state packing is the last thing you want to be doing so bravo to you!!
” I am a person who has just woke up and realized that I let a lot of things happen to me and now i see they are wrong.”…YOU are not alone in this statement…everyone here did the same…this is the regret that we all have for settling with the sociopath instead of finding the mental & physical strength to level. YOU have go give yourself more credit hon…a sociopathic abusive relationship is like none other you literally crawl out of hell while all along trying to juggle all normal aspects of life family, friends, job, alone time etc.
I like the saying: “When you know better, you do better”….NOW we all KNOW!!
You are going to survive this hellish nightmare you have been enduring and like they say time does heal all wounds. it just takes time hon so be kind, loving & patient with yourself.
Enjoy your new home that you are moving too 🙂
Is it just me, or does everyone see comments from Feb. 17 at the end of the comments section? Earlier I saw no comments at all, now they are out of order, but just this one day’s comments.
Yes, it is all out of order!
Nomorewool
Yes I see feb 17 as well. I’ve had difficulties with posting and signing in lately. It seems when I’m on laptop it’s ok but from my iPhone I can’t connect properly and I also can’t respond to proper comment made by someone and it seems I can’t spell properly when I type on here.
Hehe. Me a tough nut???!!!! never!!!
I think at the start of this process I needed sone where to vent and was very thankful to have found this place!
I can relate so much to the mind racing stage and I am SO THANKFUL that that has stopped.
I haven’t seen him in days and I still fear that moment I know will come. But waking up from his trap and subterfuge is a blessing!
Whilst my situation bears no comparison to many peoples on here, it still hurt me beyond belief and my stupidity still hurts me. But I want to explore how to be the kind of person who will never be duped again!! Not by him and not by anyone.
I am naturally caring, loyal and compassionate and I don’t really wnat to change but I don’t want some underhand, wicked person like him to ever be able to take advantage of that again.
I also can resonate with the fact that sometimes venting cna increSe those toxic feelings inside us. I think I got to that stage myself. I have read and read everything I could get my hands on, here and elsewhere.
One e book I read called 30 covert manipulation techniques ( i think?) made me realise that I definitely was being manipulated. I think my spath wrote it. If I could Send it to his wife I would!!!
🙂
Hi Elsa, Hon you have come so far in such as short time. Yes we saw the racing mind aspect in your post (just like all of our post when we first separate ourselves for the sociopath) but I want you to know that I see in your post now a woman who’s mind has woken up to the sociopath brain washing. So bravo to you for reading, making counseling appointments and venting. You should be very proud of yourself!
inthemiddleofheartache
There’s a difference between people being angry and people being very concerned. Nobody here is angry with you or seeking to make you leave here.
What we are is a group of people who have survived the most painful emotional attack possible, that of an entanglement with a sociopath. That give us a unique perspective and because we are compassionate caring people, we want to help others through the nightmare, helping them to avoid some of the pitfalls, keep them safe, protect them from future danger, be an ear to listen and care, and we know there is a PROCESS towards recovery, not a switch. It’s not a matter of “trying”, it’s doing certain little baby steps that eventually add up to getting our lives back.
I was a total basketcase. SO when I advise you to seek help beyond LF, I know that the antianxiety meds I finally took were a lifeline for me. I was not sleeping, the nightmares were horrendous, I was paranoid and fearful and had become mostly agoraphobic.
Your venting was escalating. You seemed fixated on Amanda being the cause of your unhappiness. You did not write anything that indicated you understood the behaviors of a sociopath, such as triangulation. This JERK has two small children and a wife. There is plenty of suffering around this JERK.
Happiness or unhappiness is NOT a reason to leave a marriage. Nobody has a continuous state of happiness. If a husband is unhappy, going to find other women is NOT the solution to his unhappiness. It’s not moral, it’s not kind, it’s not REASONABLE. He’s a JERK. And chances are, he was “unhappy” because his wife had expectations that he be a dad, or not lie to her, or not cheat on her…
I am glad you are not going to do anything “stupid”. I worried that you’d go talk to the wife, as if she doesn’t already have heartbreak enough with her two babies and an unfaithful lying mindfarking spouse. She needs to focus on her trauma and You can’t help her with that. I was worried you’d hurt yourself. Look at what you wrote! Of course I care what happens to YOU!
Jan7 gave you good advice on articles to read, but maybe you could start with re-reading the one at the beginning of all these posts. I say that because like ALL the others here, I’ve been there and in the trauma of this nightmare that we woke up in, I had short term memory loss. I could NOT remember. SO reading and re-reading until the help STUCK in my head was just ONE of the things I did to help myself.
I do wish you all the best. We really do understand the path you are traveling. And so we know when extra help outside of LF might be VERY beneficial.
I know you intended to set up housekeeping with the JERK, and that makes you upset it’s not happening. But I tell you, it’s a blessing to have a NEW place where you can make NEW memories to honor and appreciate YOURSELF. I will be here, to share and listen. ALL the other stuff you mentioned? Rape and incest? I’ve been there too. There are others who have been there. It’s the wonder of LF, that for so long I felt alone. LF was not there for me when I was going through the abuse and recovery but once I found it, boy, not being alone, reading that others suffered as I did and how they got through it, There is SO MUCH strength to be gained from these people. As you go through YOUR recovery, and learn and regain yourself, you will see others grateful for YOUR strength, when they stumble onto this site, freaked and in their nightmares.
Well said, NWHSOM.
Inthemiddle
From outside the circle, and we are outside of your circle but with an understanding of the your suffering, I’d be taking NWHSOM’s advice because she is so switched on to what is taking place. I can see, sense what she is saying but the beauty of her words are put make clarity of the confusion – NWHSOM has a remarkable ability to put into words what I’m feeling, to give me a focus that goes beyond my pain so I can have clarity.
At the moment I’m sensing that because you’ve got so much trauma coming at you from so many different directions, that your only way out of this is to follow Not’s advice, as I would be doing if I was in your position.
God girl! Your list of traumas make my situation feel like a walk in the park in comparison so I totally understand your need for help on LF – I’d be the same in your shoes.
Sending hugs x
I have lost track of the thread I was writing on. But thanks for your comments on “pity play”
I can relate to this. At the beginning of our friendship, it was all about how we could “help each other” through lonliness, needing someone to be company and of course, for him, he attached himself to my project and that became his vehicle for getting a new perspective on life etc.
We all feel duped, to some extent but he and I were close and attached, however wrong that is/ was.
He did want my empathy/ sympathy/ care/ concern/ interest etc etc. He welcomed it and reciprocated it ( well fabricated it, I now know)
Of course I got closer to him.
Then he panicked, withdrew, then back and forth, pulling me back in.
I can relate to every aspect of sociopath behaviour, including gaslightingt. Times when he said things, then absolutely denied he ever had. I used to say to him ” the problem is, I am not stoned so I remember but you don’t have a clue what you say”
I feel so much that I have been addicted and it feels good to feel freer.
I still have net run into him again and I don’t want to. My friend texted me last night to go to the pub but I didnt, for fear of seeing him.
I dotn wnat to see him or to get drawn into conversation in a public place where I doent feel in control.
He is a nasty, abusive, controlling man and I do dp feel very sorry for his wife. My friend said no to because she has put up wiht it and could ahev got free if she wanted.
I believe he is “reconciled” with her, she is his “fallback”
I imagine he is smearing me now ( as he did her to me) and I would love to get ina conversation with her but I won’t pursue that!!
I have my first counselling session tomorrow. I am wondering if I need it now!!!! But I will go and I will tye and talk my way through this. It’s more about dealing with him and coming to terms with the fact that he used me and abused me.
I am better than him and I won’t let him destroy me. He has, by his own admission, left a trail of disaster behind him in his life and I have no reason to think he will stop now!!
Thank you for all your help!!
Hanalei , not, jan7, sane and free and others
I am totally impressed by your ability to provide such excellent advice. All of it makes so much sense and is so helpful. Even though I feel “recovered” , I still use your advice often and follow it.
Like Not said, being unhappy is not a reason to discard a family. With my ex thus applies, he was unhappy because I found out his cheating lies. So true.
I personally think there has to come a time for in the middle to say “enough is enough”. Like I said the no contact was my last word, my closure. Closure that he never gave to me and will never give to me. No contact was , still is and always will be MY VOICE WITHOUT WORDS. It’s the same as I would tell him “go to the devil”. It is my pure and sweet rejection. MY LAST WORD. It used to be that he always had the last word. The no contact is something he cannot take away or top with ugly words. It belongs to me and only me. And it’s free, no costs, just willpower
In the middle, please listen to all of us here. We know what we have been through.
kaya48
You bring up an extra benefit of NC. As you state so truthfully, there is NO CLOSURE with a sociopath. But… we can make our OWN closure. I didn’t realize until I read your post, but I received the same feeling…
NC gave ME the last word! It was SO empowering, so satisfying to delete his messages unread. It was like hanging up on him. Then when I found out how to block him and thus avoid the anxiety of calls, cruel or lying calls. HA! Total control to stop him from being able to infect me with pain!
YES!
MY LAST WORD was silence.
I LOVE IT!
Emotional EMPOWERMENT! What a wonderful piece of CLOSURE!
Thanks for this post Kaya48. GOOD reminder!
Thank you again for such inspiring words. I realized something just now. You speak of NC and yes that is great but my difficulty i realize is no closure. When i see him its mindfarking like all of this really didnt happen to me and its not that bad. this is bcs he treats me with disdain and coldness and aloffness. He is smug and acts like he is better than me. It rails against everything I am trying to do to better myself. So this is where some of the frustration lies. The whole thing has been a mindfarking situation. all hidden, all lies. I guess my fixation on amanda was i wanted her to know and he was so angry and said i was threatening him when i brought it up. its like the only thing i remotely can use against him. At this point i would like one day of not thinking of him. I have to have this job i cant go anywhere yet so i am stuck for now. i pray everyday that he gets transferred. actually truthfully i wish that everyone here would exactly know what kind of person he is. Even today he acted smug and i did ignore him and thats bcs this new angle he is trying to see what he gets. im tired thats all. its at all angles and housecleaning of this type is a lot. Being hypervigiliant abt how i am treated and what is being done to me with everyone is exhausting. I did google the 30 characteristics of a psychopath. i really stepped into something that has been all encompassing. and it is yucky.
inthemiddleofheartache,
1) You can, as we have done, MAKE your OWN closure.
2) What did Amanda need to know? That he had a wife and LITTLE CHILDREN, that he was a cheat and took advantage of vulnerable women? She knew.
3) Even if he were single and available, which he is NOT, he is STILL a monster!
4) He is doing what sociopaths do, smug (we call that duping delight), disdain/cold/aloofness (no remorse, no conscience. Yep.) No surprises there. He is consistently sociopathic.
5) Healing is ALL about you. It’s weird that it turns out that it’s nothing about HIM and ALL about getting to know YOU.
I had to learn to give my brain little “mind vacations” where I didn’t think of Him. So… I watched movies. I played Suduko. I played music and danced. I took baths with lovely scents and candles and music. I listened to educational stuff on cd’s… I learned how to appreciate fine art. I learned about history. I watched comedy routines on youtube.
6) What “mind vacations” can you give yourself???
The more you help your brain stop the flight or fight chemicals, the better you feel. If you can give your brain NEW subjects to think about, you help your brain re-wire to that which give you PLEASURE.
NWHSOM, you are a gem! I will add to your list my tried and true “mind vacation” technique of going out back, digging a hole, filling it in, and digging it again. Or remember that log I sawed into thin slices with a hand saw? Yep. Mind vacation AND burning calories. I was relentless.
Yes NWHSOM, you are a gem!!! “Mind Vacations”!!! I love it. That is what I have been trying to do with my weekends. Getting up and going to do things. This will be the first weekend in two weeks where I am not going somewhere but I do have activities planned. I will not be sitting around doing nothing!
Kaya, thanks for including me in that illustrious group! There is a wealth of experience and kind hearts here and it there is always something to be learned! Another way of looking at things. A reminder that we are not alone.
Hanalei
I read a lengthy post from you to inthemiddle, via email, and the link won’t take me to the post so I’m chiming in here sorry…
In your message you mentioned that you were contemplating leaving LF or taking some timeout, may I ask why? I’m just curious as I’ve been thinking that it is time for me to focus on things that make me feel better about myself and create the life that I desire, not that I don’t appreciate everyone on here or that I’m a little addicted to reading everyone’s story every morning, just because it puts me back into the same energy of it in a daily basis. Your advice is most welcome!
Also before I leave, today is the day we find out if the spath will be charged, this might keep me here while he loses it over the part I played in his demise…
Undertheradar, you probably couldn’t link to that post because I deleted it shortly after I wrote it. I felt that it might have been a little too direct.
As for thinking of taking a LF break, I noticed that I am too caught up in inthemiddle’s story. It has made me feel worried, frustrated and stressed.
I think you put it perfectly, saying it is time for you to focus on things that make you feel better about yourself and create the life you desire.
I also appreciate everyone here, so much, and it really makes me feel good to know that my experience help others.
Good luck today with the spat!
Hanalei
I didn’t think it was because sometimes I needed it beated into me that the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with was a psycho! I’m also a brutal truth kinda gal. I’ve seen a lie hurt more than the truth and know, firsthand, how it feels. If you want then you have my full permission, as does everyone else on LF, to give it to me straight! 😉
I used to get emotionally involved with the girls on here as well, then I realised how guilty I was of doing the same thing – I wish I was!
Thanks for your wishes for today – nail biting stuff!
undertheradar
It’s hard enough to get the right message when actually looking for it! LF members KNOW what they are staring at! I didn’t have LF.
I used to go to sleep each night with my now ex, and pray to GOD, “Dear GOD, please open my eyes to the truth, and give me the strength to bear it.” And so God did just that. 🙂
Let us know how things went today? Just to cheer you or to lend a little more support to you.
NWHSOM
oh I did the same thing! I spent hours praying for the truth but even when I was getting snippets of it I just argued with it, or the s was really good at arguing with it. It was watching all the comments and advice on LF that cemented it for me.
The only thing that happened today was that the stalker turned up at the same beach but I ignored him and his text messages for ignoring him 😉 I’ll let you all know when I hear back from the Department of Public Prosecutions with their decision whether it’s worth prosecuting.
Kaya48
I also love your take on the last word and agree with NWHSOM that it gives us our own bit of closure.
Your “go to the devil” comment reminded me of my wish for the spath; “I wish him a day in heaven before the Devil knows he’s dead!”
Hi Kaya48, thank you for your kind words…one thing the sociopath never counted on was all the victims coming together to help victims heal! SO SO POWERFUL the strength of GOOD PEOPLE!!!
Someone said to me the other day “why are you being so vindictive ?” No, it has nothing to do with punishment or being vicious. By remaining no contact, I will protect my own emotional well being. Something I had to relearn after the 20 years with him. And I will not let him take this away ever again. In the middle , this is not about him, Amanda, the wife. It is about your well being. Period.
Kaya, thank you for posting that. Our own emotional well being is what is most important. For so long, I was worried about him and how he was and what he was doing and who he was doing it with, etc. etc. I did not think about myself. Even thought NC has only been over a week now (yea!), I have found myself not thinking about all of those things all of the time.
Inthemiddle, I am so sorry that you are going through this. These ladies are lifesavers. I have listened to them, taken their advice. It helps. But I agree that professional help is also needed. I have gone to see a therapist and it has helped me greatly. It has helped me get on a good path. Like Kaya stated, the only person that matters right now is YOU! You are important.
Freedom
“What is he doing and who with” that was the part that did my head in. Glad you’re on the road to a new and better life and you go girl with the NC!
Under…It did my head in as well. It consumed me! Those thoughts still creep in from time to time. For instance, he was supposed to have a root canal done and I thought…I wonder who took him to the dentist. I quickly told myself…Not your problem or concern!
The more days that pass by without contact, the better I feel. I was scared about him contacting me and me giving in but I am feeling better and better about me keeping NC every day.
Freedom
Haha I’m hearing ya! I got sucked in to taking the spath to the Dr only to discover it was just his way of getting me back. I showed him concern and he thought he had his “in” that didn’t work if course because the wise people of this site have me educated – although I did feel sorry for him at the time…
I remember my first anxiety attack was on an expressway going to visit friends some 100 kilometers away. I had to pull over for ages to get my s**t together because I was anxious over what he was going to be doing while I wasn’t there for 24 hours. The strength it took me just to even commit to a visit was extreme but it was also an eye opening experience and it put me on my path to ending my marriage 🙂
kaya48
You direct all communication – from the man who cheated, defrauded, lied, and tried to have you committed to a mental hospital – to an attorney…
…and someone accused you of being vindictive? What dictionary did they get that from???!!!
You know you are one of my role models and this is just one part of the lesson I learned from you: it is the responsibility of ALL of us to do protect our emotional well being and like YOU, I will NEVER let someone take that away from me EVER again.