UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
You welcome.
I think this is my closure on my terms and conditions. Not his. Because in reality he had closure on the marriage a long time ago. When he started cheating and lying.
This may be a bit off topic but here goes…
I had a conversation with a co-worker today about their “relationship”. Without getting too specific, the co-worker is in a “relationship” with someone who is currently unavailable. The person is currently going through a very nasty and lengthy divorce. The co-worker has not had any physical contact with the person but has become very involved in their life. The co-worker made a comment about how hard it is waiting on that person, waiting on their phone call or text, how they are falling in love with that person and so many other things.
I had to sit back and take a breath after hearing this. I felt like I was reliving what I had been through. I did not know how to respond to my co-worker. I finally said to them that their well being is what is important. That I understand there is an emotional attachment that has happened, who knows how it will play out. I feel that this person is hanging on to this “relationship” in hopes that when all is said and done the person will be in their life. I was hearing the co-worker say how they feel worried and consumed by this. How they feel nervous when the person does not call them. I do not think that the person is an NP but I feel like it is an unhealthy relationship and I do not want my co-worker to have to go through any heartache. I told them that I was concerned for them in case this doesn’t play out like they want it to.
Sorry if this is off topic, I just felt the need to share. I want to help my co-worker. I know the feelings that they are feeling.
Freedom15, we know that being in a relationship with a person who is currently unavailable is a dead end. We know it brings false hope, pain, confusion and disappointment. We know it causes us to lose time to something that isn’t fulfilling and probably won’t ever be. We know it leads to regrets. This goes whether the person in question is normal or disordered. It will hurt to make a break now, but hurt worse later.
I would tell this to this person gently, and all you can do is let them make their own decision. It is always an option (slim) that this relationship could work out if and when the person is available.
But as it is, there is no relationship.
Thank you, HM. I agree with everything you said. I can already see the pain and disappointment in my co-workers face. My co-worker has a kind heart and soul.
Freedom15, I’ve had my fair share of “relationships” with people who were unavailable, and what I wouldn’t give to have the time I lost back.
In my experience, the unavailable person is always less invested in the relationship than the other person, no matter what they say. It is such a hard lesson to learn to watch out for ourselves and keep ourselves safe.
I hope you are able to support your co-worker and that he/she does ok.
Thanks. I will be the friend that I always have been to them.
I love the explanation from Kaya that NC IS our last word, our closure. I never thought about it that way; at one time, before I truly understood, I expected her to finally tell me the truth and THAT would be my closure. In my intellectual growth through reading, I have come to learn that my idea and expectation of closure will never happen because it is not in the Sociopath rulebook to ever admit they were wrong. But…low and behold….we now have NO CONTACT. It is our way of saying that we have had enough; that whatever else you have to say is something we no longer want to hear; and that you now OWN your own problems and I am no longer your safety net. It is a way of declaring ourselves “free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last.” A few years ago, I could not contemplate no contact – it seemed too extreme and that I was joining the ranks of all the others who have “abandoned” her, and I was taking a step for mankind to show that I would not abandon her no matter what. This great idea of “saving” her only ended up costing me more and more money. Today, she is still living hand to mouth, her vehicle has been repossessed, she has no money for food or medicine and has to eat at McDonalds on the days she is scheduled to work…. she is no better off for all the money ($100K) that I gave her. I could not walk away and leave her hurting because that’s what everyone else did, and I wanted to be better than that. I now know that I could have mortgaged or sold EVERYTHING and given it to her, and she would still be living under a bridge somewhere. That’s the nature of the beast….they feast when there is someone else footing all the bills, and they famine until a new victim is snagged. There is NOTHING that you can do or sacrifice that will ever be enough…so the time comes when all a person can do is walk away. Pray for them, but walk away!
Neveragain51
Thanks for those wise words and glad that you’ve got some clarity. I take on board everything that every offers from their own little wisdoms and this helps keep me moving forward 🙂
Hi inthemiddleofheartache,
I am glad that you are back commenting. Lovefraud is a safe haven for ALL victims of sociopathic abuse & you should be here too. We are all at different levels of our healing stages so sometime posters forget that they were as emotional & stress with a racing mind as you when they first came to LF. I think the important point everyone is making is for you to reach out for more help just like we all did.
Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year is a great way to connect with a free counselor to help you through your emotional state that you are feeling. Their counselors have tools that can help you to calm your racing mind at that very moment this is why it is a good number to have programed into your phone. In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE. Just google for your countries number if not in the USA.
You can call them as many times as you would like everyday. They can also give you the local numbers to the Abuse center in your town where you can receive free counseling and attend woman group meetings all for free as well. I can tell you from my own experience that going to my local abuse center for free counseling and free woman group meetings really is a great step for healing. In addition I would recommend you go to a outside counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse (please no most are not so you will have to interview them by phone prior to making a appointment with them).
****One of the biggest issues with a victims of sociopath abuse is PTSD…you are showing signs of PTSD in your post this is why everyone is suggesting you reach out for more help then just here on lovefraud. This is nothing to be ashamed of we all had levels of PTSD when we first left.
According to Dr Wilson an adrenal fatigue expert the biggest issue with PTSD is adrenal fatigue. Symptoms of Adrenal fatigue are cant handle stress, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mood swings, racing mind, sleep issues, etc etc it’s a long list. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones including all the important female hormones. The adrenal glands are a HUGE deal but are often over looked by doctors & therapist as the main root issue of the persons emotional state or health issues.
Get tested by a Adrenal Gland doctor or hormonal doctor = Cortisol level test, vitamin/mineral testing, and hormonal imbalance testing asap. With the right hormones replacement (no big deal cream or pill/no matter what your ages is) and vitamins/minerals you will feel normal within literally hours…it’s shocking how quickly they work!!! See sites like
Adrenalfatigue. org
DrLam. com
Mialundin. com read her book!! and see her you tube videos
The stress from the sociopath toxic relationship has wreaked havoc on your mind, body, & spirit. Hormonal balancing & vitamin mineral deficiency are the root issues so get them check asap.
The reason why your mind can not let go of thinking about your abuser is because of your cortisol/adrenaline levels & hormones becoming off because of the stress your abuser put you under daily. This can be corrected quickly and you will not think about him as much.
Before you take anti depressant meds check out Dr Amen’s you tube video on the subject. He is a brain specialist & therapist and his offices have conducted over 80,000 brain scans. He has done countless brain studies etc. He states that first you should try alternative methods before anti depressants & other meds. Obviously IF you are currently on meds you will need to talk with your doctor about weaning off the meds so DO NOT DO THIS ON YOUR OWN as it has a lot of side effects.
Google “Dr Amen Anti depressants you tube” & “Dr Amen PBS you tube” plus his books he has one on anxiety & depression.
Keep venting here & writing in a journal at home too. You are welcomed here hon!!
Thank you I appreciate your comments. This has been a long road for me and a extremely slow one. I am new to all of this stuff and found many of the resources given very helpful. This is my disease. I thought bulimia, alcohol, shopping, no the relationship stuff that has been the problem my whole life. I thought my daughters dad was going to do me in and I walked from that. That however was abusive physically. The hardest thing with the NP and i guess all NP’s they hit the core of us as people and distort, extort and diminish all of our dreams. This whole thing is like having the NP stabbing me and smiling and telling me he loves me at the same time. I am working on being extremely honest to myself about what I am feeling, telling my counselor and sitting with stuff without trying to get out of it. There is a lot of pain in this recovery. And on some days im just not into it. I know this is better that I am out of it. I just could not believe what was done to me. I also read about cognitive dissonance and how this applies to me too. There are so many layers to this psychopath stuff that each person it affects differently.Last night i got another piece of the puzzle put together. My mom when i was little around 7, was told that my uncle her brother incested me. My mom said that I enticed him. This is not what you say to a child but through the therapy last nite, my mom said that because it happened to her too and now she wasnt alone. My mom would take any negative bad experience i had, the rape, bulimia and revel in it like she was glad i was experiening it. When I was getting divorced my daughter mentioned something to her and she called me right away to get the juice. Not to see how I was but to revel in my misery. This is my own mom. but this is how the sickness starts and the NP goes for the jugular. I know i have another marked event that is holding me to the NP and why my brain is not letting go. I know if I keep pushing through and looking into my past to work the pain out I will find it. I did feel better last nite and today. My NP is not working today yea!!!!!. I really want to find out what happened to me as a child that has me in this loop so i can cut it and move on. Get my own closure, NC and be the person that I was supposed to be. I am glad that my daughter is not a by product of my life. My daughter does not have the same value system and has been protected by me. Maybe my job in this life was to break the chain and start a new path and my daughter will have it. It reminds me of the Bette Midler movie, Stella except the rich dad is the better life. I let my daughter go so she could have it better. I hope that one day i can stand firmly and straight know who i am and not let anyone else define me and have my own thoughts and feel ok and happy being me.
Inthemiddle
It sounds like you’re finally on the right path. I sense that you’ve turned the corner because your words are seeking it.
I had an abusive childhood but my parents don’t define me. I can honestly say that I thank my father for showing me what not to become as a person. This early learning gave me strength but something controlled my attraction factor to 50 years old and after searching for the answer to this question, I’ve finally worked it out – I was a good person but I expected to be a victim on an unconscious level, I never truly rose above it because I thought I wasn’t good enough – I am now!
You will find your peace because you are searching for it 🙂
In the middle
You will get there one day , just like me. Yes , it took me 3 months to change my thinking bro “cut ” him completely out of my heart. After 20 plus years it was very difficult. To seperate a life we built together is exhausting. A divorce is so financially and emotionally draining. I don’t know how I just kept on going to work every day, performed my job, even after being in court all morning. Ever since I filed that petition and started the no contact, I had this emotional strength that only God could give me.
There is so much power in silence. It’s a power that I gaibed that I didn’t know I had. A narcissist /sociopath does not listen to what we have to say. But there is one message they hear loud and clear and that is the silence of no contact.
It’s the ONLY way out of hurt and frustration . Waiting for them to validate our experience or hurt is wasting time and energy. The only way I achieved victory over him was walking away with my head held high and no contact.
I always thought my ex was the way he was because he was an only child. He left me in 2011 after 16 years of marriage to be with a woman who came into a lot money when her live in boyfriend died in a car wreck- only 6 weeks before I caught them together. I was completely blind sided! We had just bought land and were looking at house plans to build our dream home only 3 months earlier. In our marriage he was verbally abusive, would drive around and look at nice homes enviously, lie and lie again, irresponsible with money, have fits of rage and then a few moments later act like nothing happened and would not take any criticism well. He is very charming and everyone thinks he is a great guy. They didn’t see what happened behind closed doors. He blamed me for the demise of the relationship and told everyone horrible things about me to alleviate his guilt. He absolutely believes he did nothing wrong. Up to the day he left he acted like I was his one and only and the day I caught them I became the enemy. He was soooo cruel to me. I could not believe how I went from the wife to the enemy overnight. I spent the first few years completely depressed and homicidal towards the other woman. Thankfully I did not act on it and now I am seeing that she did me a favor. He will do the same to her when she runs out of money. I had to understand why and it took me a long time to research and stumble across these and other articles to give me some clarity. I don’t want to sound like the bitter ex so I keep my revelations to myself though I would love to expose him and clear my name.
Jan22
We’ve all been in a similar situation to you honey, just hang in there and listen to the great advice that the girls give, here on Love fraud. I wish things had been different for all of us but some have risen above it and the rest of us are stumbling along trying to catch up.
Vent away, you’re in good hands! 🙂
Thanks for the reply. I admit I still look at all the signs of a sociopath and say, is that really him? I find it hard to believe. And I was so fooled for years. How do I get over him? As crazy as it sounds I still struggle to accept that he lied to me for so long. He always told me I had nothing to worry about when it came to other women. I guess until she came along and apparently was a better deal for him. So I wasted 16 years of my life with someone who would leave me to face this world alone now. I am jaded. I don’t know if I can ever trust again after he hurt me so badly.
Hi jen22, I know exactly what you are saying. I said the same thing to my counselor this morning abt my NP. I was lied to for the 2 years he and I were together and lied to by my ex husband for 7 so I hear you. My ex i dont think he cheated my NP deff. He was with me, amanda and his wife. it was sick and I still work with him. i am doing such baby baby steps. This is a very complex situation. Its not easy and it takes time. i struggle every day with it. we have nothing else but us and that it. we have to go forward and up as that is only way to go. I went to a meeting tonite and got it all out again. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this.
Hi jen22, I know exactly what you are saying. I said the same thing to my counselor this morning abt my NP. I was lied to for the 2 years he and I were together and lied to by my ex husband for 7 so I hear you. My ex i dont think he cheated my NP deff. He was with me, amanda and his wife. it was sick and I still work with him. i am doing such baby baby steps. This is a very complex situation. Its not easy and it takes time. i struggle every day with it. we have nothing else but us and that it. we have to go forward and up as that is only way to go. I went to a meeting tonite and got it all out again. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this.
Jan22 and inthemiddle
I’m years down the track of knowing that I was married to a sociopath and I still, sometimes, question if I might be wrong. You’d think by now and armed with a ton of evidence to back up my instincts that my only question would be “when is he going to turn psycho?” But it’s not. I lived in a 14 year illusion! I was a front for a whole other life, yet I’m not taking the compliment that I made him look good, or that he needed me to look like a normal human being, I’m devastated, well I was devastated, now I’m just bracing myself for the fall out of an investigation into his sick and twisted life that I helped ruin for him…
Thank your lucky stars they just moved on because they can become something entirely different from a player if you stay long enough.
I have great news to report! My ex forwarded the 1098 for the mortgage interest on the shared house to my attorney and I got it today. That ends it all”now there is no reason for any interaction with him in any way shape or form, ever again. O happy day!! O sweet freedom!
HanaleiMoon
It’s lovely weather in my town today. The birds are twittering and singing. The trees are all leaving out. It just feels SO good today. It’s a GREAT day for your GREAT news! I remember thinking that my divorce was going to be hell, I’d have to face what a failure I’d made of my marriage. But ya know what? The opposite happened. When those papers were signed and I knew I’d never have to be vulnerable to him again, no more opportunities for his financial abuse, his manipulations and pity plays, blaming me for why he was still married when he was the one doing all this petty stuff… THE FREEDOM HAS BEEN the MOST HEALING FEELING I NEVER Expected!! I understand what you are saying and I share that feeling, the weight lifted, the future has possibilities that didn’t exist until the FREEDOM. WHOO HOOOO to YOUUUUU, TOOOO! (See Elsa’s good news!)
Oh These celebrations do bring a LIFT to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing. Hope you did/have planned something special to honor your FREEDOM! At the least, I will toast your news with my special Earl Grey tea, in my special bone china cup.
How very “English”!!!
Thank you! X
I recognise HM’s freedom is significant, much more than mine!!! I just connected with the tea and China cup!!!
elsa…
We can both toast HM, and then toast YOU. Clink Clink! Cheers!
There’s so much misery from sociopaths that the good news feels so uplifting and joyful. Not less significant… we all have victories, different in each person’s circumstance, but anytime someone gains against EVIL… is a Yippee yahooieee.
ps, and a slice of lemon sponge. 🙂
Hanalei
Congrats honey! Freedom is yours to enjoy 🙂
It seems like there was some “closure ” for many of us in recent days. Hanalei, I am so happy for you for receiving all the required documents. Not, is your divorce final now ? Like you I was afraid at the beginning of divorce proceedings. It was just the opposite , it was an empowering experience for me. For the first time in 20 plus years I totally let him have it. My last wiped, my silence , my no contact for almost 2 years, it paid off. He cannot get to me anymore and it is so great.
Just taking a walk at the beach and noticing how peaceful and calm my life is, it’s amazing. I can finally enjoy living in one of the most beautiful places in the US. I was lied to, I was betrayed and cheated on, almost sent to a mental institution by him, taken to court on a restraining order. And I am still here, stronger than ever. We are all survivors but most we are warriors.
They will never validate our hurt and pain and they will acknowledge any wrong doing. By staying no contact we sti have our voice, our lady word. By not responding we will always be in control.
There is so much wonderful support here! I am raising my glass of diet coke to you!
I have a terrible cold or it would be a nice glass of merlot!!
Hanalei
The Merlot is packed with antioxidants and red grapes are full of vitamin C – diet coke is full of a chemical sweetener that will frag out your kidneys and destroy your liver…
Drink the Merlot, it’s healthier!
So true under the radar
I will have that glass of Merlot for Hanalei. That is tonight after my shift 🙂 how is everything with you ?
Kaya48
I went straight for the scotch with my own homemade dry ginger ale (kinda) juicy thang 😉
I’m good just a little tense. I haven’t heard anything yet but after watching a Doco last night on victims of crime taking 5 years to have their day in court, looks like I’ll be tense for a while longer – better stick up on the Merlot! 😉
Kaya48
That was meant to be *stock not stick.
It’s 5am in Australia and I’m waiting for the category 5 cyclone to hit the East Coast while the category 7 cyclone hits the North Coast. Batten down the hatches I say!
Woohoo! Category 7 downgraded to category 3 as it made land so fingers crossed for the second cyclone 🙂
Can I say…you are not alone! We have all questioned ourselves….hearing and learning about sociopaths intellectually but emotionally wondering if we could have judged them wrong because we want so much to just BELIEVE in them. It is so much easier to take the blame ourselves….that’s just how we have coped through life. HM said something to me that was right on…..she said that labels didn’t matter. If someone treated you badly, then it doesn’t really matter IF they are a sociopath or not….that is just a label. What matters is that we were treated badly and need to take protective action. Bad treatment is bad treatment, whether or not we can stick the sociopath label on it or not. That advice was VERY helpful for me, as I hope it is for you.
Never…that advice also has helped me very much. I was treated badly. Regardless of what he is. It does hurt and has left scars on my heart and soul.
I am “cleaning house” this weekend and boxing up everything that he gave me. For me, it is another step of closure.
This is day 11 of NC. 🙂
Good for you….keep up the good work. You are on the right path. I was treated badly too and was “stuck” wondering if I was wrong about her being a sociopath or not. HM’s advice freed me up considerably to realize that it didn’t matter if she is or isn’t a sociopath…trying to find the correct label was keeping me stuck. With the freedom to ignore the need to place a label and just recognize that you (and I) were treated badly gives us “permission” to take off the chains…because it just doesn’t matter…and move forward with our lives. Thanks again, HM, for such wise advice. You can see that the seeds you planted are taking root in MANY places.
Neveragain51, I love the image of the seeds taking root in many places! Thank you so much!
You have described it perfectly, and really “getting it” is a watershed moment.
Because of who we are, we have felt that we need to leave no stone unturned, give every benefit of the doubt, search for every bit of understanding for why we were treated the way we were. We want to be “fair”. It really is freedom to realize it doesn’t matter”the fact that we were/are being treated badly is simply enough.
Things going on in my life the past few weeks have reminded me that we need to recognize when we’re treating OURSELVES badly as well. It took three people to tell me in so many words I am torturing myself, and then flipping through a journal I kept with notes from my therapy sessions and seeing these words in bold: “you batter yourself, and you need to be EASY on yourself” before I realized how far off the track I have been heading.
We need to remember that treating ourselves badly is unacceptable too.
In my case, I came up with a great analogy. I’ve been playing a giant game of Twister in my head. I’ve only got two feet and two hands, but I’m trying to cover ALL the dots, and many of those dots aren’t even mine to cover (and worse, don’t need to be covered, I just “feel like” I should be covering them). No one is asking me to do this, suggesting it, or expecting it. Heck, no one has even thought of some of the dots I’ve put on that game. I’ve worked myself into a lather, am unable to think straight, am angry, irritable and, I’m ashamed to say, have had some pretty ugly outbursts that end up scaring both me and others. I had subtly talked myself into this mindset over time and have ended up feeling trapped, angry and full of fear. It hasn’t been pretty.
I have been NC since August of 2011 except for necessities through an attorney. Our shared home was sold just about exactly a year ago (and my therapist told me that our minds and bodies “remember” anniversaries and to just be aware of it, as it is often a reason we’re feeling off for no apparent reason), and I am working to get my life back to where I want it. I realize that even though he’s long gone, what he did to my head is still impacting me. I’m an overachiever by nature and like to have things lined up, but this insane, hell bent, all consuming need to FIX ALL THE THINGS AND FIX THEM RIGHT NOW is me still struggling to get some control, to feel safe in my own life again. Recently, it has left no room for joy”only fear.
As much as I hate the phrase, I have a “new normal”. I think without really realizing it, I’ve been hoping I could recreate the life I had “before” the final discard and my whole world went to s**t. I could go back and delete that last sentence, but instead I’ll say, even THAT is a manifestation of this bad mindset, because even when I was in the midst of it, I never truly thought my whole world had gone to s**t”don’t get me wrong, I struggled terribly, but there were aspects of it I took in stride too. I still had room for joy.
With this self imposed “ok it’s over so why the hell don’t you have ALL THE THINGS FIXED yet” I am not being easy on myself at all. The few select people I have that are close to me all want the same thing – for me to be happy again. They couldn’t care less if I cover all the dots – they just want me to cover my own to the best of my ability and give myself a f’en break”to allow myself to live.
So today I am reminding myself it’s ok to not have all the things fixed yet, and it is ok to not work/worry/obsess every minute of every day about it. I need to take my own advice and go out back and dig a hole and fill it up and give myself a mental vacation.
It is completely out of character to deny myself joy, but that is exactly what I have been doing. This is my life, and even though I don’t have ALL THE THINGS FIXED, I am OK.
🙂
Hanalei
I needed to hear that it is ok to not have everything fixed yet and how important the joy part of my life is still missing – although the s inadvertently admitted that our entire marriage was a lie, yesterday, and that showed me that I’m starting to see through his words. I was quite happy with myself for finally trusting myself and not buying into the confusion that the s creates.
This is because of people like you! The words of wisdom are finally taking over from the confusion and self doubt = massive gratitude to you all!
Undertheradar and Kaya, I’m glad what I said makes sense! It is totally ok not to have everything fixed yet and to give ourselves a break.
I’m putting that on a post-it on the refrigerator. ALL THE THINGS DO NOT HAVE TO BE FIXED BEFORE I CAN FEEL JOY.
I’m so glad what kind of feels like self indulgent rambling has some nuggets of value! xo