UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
I totally agree with what you are saying. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. Yes, we lost everything we worked so hard for. And he just went on like there is no worry at all. But it’s ok b
I still have to deal with his silly notes which he sends in the postal mail. But I have learned not to read them and just file them away. How much I wish he would just stop but I hope it gets old for him eventually. I am no contact for slmost 2 years now. And like I said my silence was my closure for my 20 year marriage. I realized that he will never recognize or validate the pain he caused to me and his son. I accept this as my closure. The no contact comes with my terms and conditions , I make the rules. He cannot get to me any longer. I accept that I loved a person who did not love me, who only wanted to cheat and manipulate. That’s the fact. I also I accept that there was no other solution than to divorce him and cut of all contact. I absolutely miss my house which had to be sold . And that’s the only part I miss about my old life. The lying and cheating, playing detective , bring blaned for his actions. No , I don’t miss that. One day we will have a better home. My home with him was a house because it was full of pain and sorrow. That’s not a home. And there are millions of houses. We can make a home again one day .
My ex knows now that his tricks do not work anymore. He knows that I am no longer prey or pawn in his game. My last word of silence will stand. I will never understand his actions or why he hurt his family but I must let go of that . THERE IS ONLY ONE MESSAGE HE HEARS LOUD AND CLEAR AND THAT IS THE SILENCE OF NO CONTACT . He will not recognize anything else , ever . We must let God do the work We must not try to get in the way and do all the work. We step aside with the no contact and let God take over . We must replace a hopeful reunion fantasy and toxic hopes that they will “get it”, because they won’t .
I took a pledge about 2 years ago “I promise to stay no contact, to be good to myself , forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever . I will not create chaos in my mind , I will stop listening to everyone who doesn’t “get it” or looking for the answer I want to hear , rather than the answer I need to hear, I will accept reality -the facts. “
So kaya48 Hanalei and freedom (frustrated look on face instead of fist pump in air)
I did it! I finally had had enough of the b*s* that comes out of the spaths mouth, all the love bombing that still DOES NOT ADD UP and the stalking behavior – oh and his need to isolate me by destroying my trust in my friends… stuff the consequences I said and walked straight out of work to the Vodafone shop and changed my number. I knew I had my work cut out for me to update everyone I trust and my clients, business cards and work related stationary but I wasn’t expecting to hell that Google was going to put me through trying to delete the d***heads number from my phone – WTF!
Does Google control the world? Is there some mini dictator, at Google, rubbing his hands together saying “we own everyone?” bloody auto sync has a lot to answer for! Because we both have Google accounts (and there are numerous apps to go along with it) I can’t seem to find the final account, with Google, that is stopping me from completely deleting him, not to mention that he has access to me via Google because I can’t block him from adding me to his circle and I can’t delete Google from my phone and tablet without losing access to everything I’ve downloaded because APPARENTLY THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALLOWING ME TO HAVE EVERYTHING! Grr DOUBLE GRR!
Yep, undertheradar, Google, along with others controls the world. Frustrating to say the least. Yay for you for taking care of business though!!
I am irked at the “public records search for a fee” services on the internet (in the US at least) that you can get home addresses from with just a name. They are not completely up to date, but eventually they catch up. I don’t know what their data is based on, but they even have my mom’s address listed for me and I have never lived there, but had my mail forwarded there for a bit.
I’m not hiding exactly, but I’d like to have some control over who knows exactly where I live.
Hmm Hanalei… if we have that here in Oz then I’m not aware of it? I’d er in the side of no because we’ve got some pretty heavy duty privacy laws here and I don’t think anyone would get away with it – other than for specific purpose like the government agencies are linked but their activities are also monitired and a search for someone has to have a valid reason, not personal gain. My spath has looked up intel on my daughter and that has now come back to bite him on the ass as the detectives are using it as evidence – and he is a (was) cop, stupid cop because he never looked at the potential future cost of exposure 😉
HE just called and left me a voicemail!!!!!!!! After 11 days!!!!!!
Freedom15, that sounds about right, a bad penny always returns.
Seriously – you deleted it without listening to it, right?
I listened to it. I am shaking and cannot stop. I cannot call him back. WHY does he do this?
Ok”delete it now if you haven’t already. Commit to memory how it feels to be shaking like this, and block him so you can’t get another voice mail so you won’t be tempted to listen and feel this way again.
He did this because this is what they do. He was bored for a minute, he wanted to get kicks from knowing he was messing with you, who knows. Do what it takes to protect yourself from it and block him!
I KNOW you won’t call him back. Get busy doing something so you give yourself a chance to calm down.
LF motto of the day (per me): Be good to yourself!!
Freedom15, how are you doing today? Check in and let us know, please!
Wow, HM…..this was a totally different message from you, but I am glad that you feel safe enough to share. We are all trying to make the best of the life that we have left…after the devastation. Your message sounded like you are still fighting your own demons, as are we all. I like to sound like I have it all together, but it’s truly moments here and there rather than a constant. I understand your feelings; I truly do. I have been trying lately to give myself permission to “let go.” In my mind, I am still holding on, because I know that moving away was only geography and not a permanent solution. If she were to show up at my door tomorrow, I would hug her and cry. So I am nowhere where I need to be either! But we just keep trying. I know that we have to take a good hard look at all that happened to us, and what we ALLOWED to happen, in order for it to heal. But I have developed several stress-related illnesses, and so I can only do it in little snippets at a time. Maybe 5 minutes a day before symptoms start…maybe some days even NO minutes. But we deal with it as we can. We all want to be better RIGHT NOW, but it’s like losing weight…it happens slowly. We gained the weight slowly, and we will lose it slowly. l But a pound a day is STILL progress. So don’t worry if you backslide a little. Some days it’s 2 steps backward and 1 step forward, then other days it’s all forward….and still other days no movement at all. But if you look back at the path, you will see that you have made progress from where you started. Keep your chin up and look to your higher power. You will get there. We ALL will. Hugs…
Neveragain51, I have MOST things together but not ALL things together”lol! Yep, it’s pieces here and there, and you are right, it happens slowly.
Unlike you, if my ex were to show up at my door, I’m pretty sure one of two things would happen – I’d either kill him with my bare hands or have a complete breakdown and the guys in the white coats would have to come for me.
I have a healthy fear of stress related diseases and know I’m a candidate. That’s where all the talk about being good to ourselves was coming from.
Definitely, looking back over my shoulder, I am so proud of the progress I have made, when once, I had no idea where to start. We really are amazing.
My therapist told me that our bodies/minds remember anniversaries and to be aware of that if we seem to be weirding out for no apparent reason, and dangit, wouldn’t you know it, it is exactly one year ago TODAY that escrow closed on the sale of “our” home. Evidently a little trigger point but also a milepost that says it’s all getting farther behind me.
HanaleiMoon
Someone mentioned progress as two steps forward, one step back. I am far enough along that I liken my progress to more like a game of Shutes and Ladders. I fall down when I have an episode with my daughter. But in short order, I find the ladder out of that hole and I am further along than when I fell down.
I remember my discovery of getting certain important pieces of myself back, pieces I forgot I ever even had. It felt SO wonderful, that’s when I knew it wasn’t too late, that my life was certainly different, some doors were closed… but Not all of them. My life still has wonderful possibilities.
Once we grasp that our lives were messed up by a sociopath, we find that recovery is not linear. As you write, pieces here and there. In my opinion, the parts that are the hardest are the ones that are connected to childhood traumas. Those are the parts that a sociopath uses to control/harm us the most.
Worthless, ugly, stupid, unwanted, unlovable. I thought I left that garbage in the past. No, those are variations that my ex was able to ferret out and use. EVIL! The pieces I work on are the bits of EVIL.
Another milestone that makes me happy… when I realize some piece of crap is my life is NORMAL crap. Like the disagreement with the water company about my sewer assessment. I am SO HAPPY to have NORMAL annoyances! And Ordinary “off” days.
You are amazing HanaleiMoon. Thanks for the reminder that perfection is not required in order to achieve success.
NWHSOM, thank you so much for saying I’m amazing. I’m truly blushing.
I know what you mean about being happy to have normal crap and annoyances! I recently had my check engine light come on the day after an oil change and my first thought was oh yeah, oil change guys did something to get more money out of me (never would have thought that way before my ex). I took it back, they checked it, said ooops, we knocked a clamp loose, all fixed, it’s kind of old so if it comes on again, you might need to stop by the parts store, buy a new clamp and we’ll put it on for you no charge. I drove away grinning – false alarm, that’s a NORMAL problem! Yippee!
I’ve had a lot going on the past couple of weeks and some of it came to a head last week (on top of it I caught the worst cold ever). Some I brought on myself (shopping for houses in two different states) and some out of the blue (job opportunities in both places after months of nothing). I made an offer on a house, and after several counters, had such anxiety I folded. I was being very hard on myself for being a flake, when in fact, I know how it feels to buy a house you’re sure about, and I wasn’t feeling that at all. Do I have some misgivings? Maybe a little, but I believe something even better is out there for me. I am proud of listening to my gut, even if I don’t know exactly what was bothering me. I acted in my best interest, and I don’t have to justify why I felt like I did – it is ok to just say, nope, I’m out. Cripes! People do it every day.
I admit I’ve been ruminating over all this and giving it too much importance. These are just NORMAL things everyone goes through. Thanks for the timely reminder, NWHSOM, that some struggles are just normal and not a result of the damages our ex’s did to us.
Whew. That’s a big one.
Hanalei
Sometimes I want a NWHSOM brain transplant, she just makes so much sense!
i agree…two steps forward and one step backwards
and it seems to be happening to a couple of us lately too
HM i am sorry to hear how you are feeling…but you are such a strong influence on here and you are a normal human being…it proves that the best of the best can be “down” sometimes…
hope we can all be here to help you when you need it 🙂
HM, you sound better today than you did yesterday. After all the sound advice that you have given me, you worried me with yesterday’s post. I long to feel the righteous anger that you described. My second therapy appointment is this coming week, and there is much to still talk about. I am glad you sounded stronger today.
Hanalei
Like you I had to pick up bits and pieces and start an entire new life. After being married for so long it was a shock. If you are in your 20’s it is different. But being 48 and just being discarded is an entire different experience. Most if my adult life I was a married housewife. And here I am, back to work full time and all of a sudden everything is on me. At the same time dealing with divorce proceedings , running to my lawyer , dealing with the ex’s vicious attacks. But, as hard it may seem, there is a light at the end. And there is victory. It was difficult to see that but I put my faith in God.
What I noticed is at the beginning I was mourning and missing what I lost. Now, it’s the opposite. I am grateful for what I gained. I don’t have to worry about someone trying to commit me to mental institution , of have me arrested. He wanted me to live in fear. And that’s over now. There is no fear, no worry, no crying. I am here today because I stayed strong. I am no longer his puppet. And my silence is my last word to him.
Hanalei. For some reason anniversaries don’t even face me anymore. Even walking by my old house. Because it was all fake and nothing was built on solid foundation. Everything we built had a foundation of sand. One wave , one storm and the sandcastle was destroyed.
Every day I thank God that my struggles were rewarded. I am free.
How about this quote for the weekend :
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But, when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. Instead you have become a warrior, and victory is yours.”
Kaya48
Thanks I like your quote of the day, now I’ll walk into the storm feeling stronger and determined 😉
I love this quote, Kaya!
Thanks under the radar
Do you know the show scandal? They call themselves gladiators. Thatnus how I felt and still feel. Once I sigbed that divorce petition and went no contact, my motto was “bring it on”. Anything , I am ready for it. Since he already used all weapons in his arsenal as a cop, there was not much left. His weapons were useless and dumb compared to the voice of my silence and the voice of my lawyer. The 16 months of divorce proceedings were a difficult time of my life but at the same time a very important learning lesson for me. The lesson of “not giving up, standing strong, keeping my head up, being calm and consistent ” and most importantly not to fear. Fear used to be my biggest weakness. Fear he instilled into me, easily done as an army first sgt and then a cop. I have no more fear. And that is my biggest revenge for him. That I am in a better place of my life, that I will remain strong and silent towards him. Anything important he can contact my weapon, my attorney. For once, my ex is not as strong as he portrayed himself. In reality he is a weak coward, satans little worker. No match for God.
Kaya48
My ex, the cop, used to say “criminals always die young” I’m waiting! Haha stupid Man!
Under the radar
How interesting. My ex used to say the same. And also “if you are smart enough you can hide anything “. Yeah right. If the director of the CIA was not able to hide his affairs what makes them think they can? They are such pompous idiots.
kaya48
i am laughing at your CIA comment…cause mine claimed all the time he was part of it…if so, he would be so afraid to do all the shady stuff he did to me and countless others.
he used to think he was so smart as well and no way would he get caught AND he used to say “i can lie very well”
just proves he wasn’t even affiliated with them…what a d**khead
Janedoe and kaya48
Mine was so stupid that he’d get frustrated with the criminals, he was catching, and shake his head and question why they’d do it when “all criminals get caught!” Thanks for the laugh girls 😉
Undertheradar
Haha frustrated with the criminals!!! That’s a good one and now I’m laughing lol thanks for that 🙂
I saw this quote today :
“I am wounded , but I am not slain. I will lay me down to bleed awhile, the rise to fight again”. Never give up hope in your battles. ”
There will be a day when your wounds have completely healed and you can go on with your life. And the past will be the past.
hi all:)
have been away the past week but trying to catch up on whats been happening on here as well…
since xmas i have been so busy with making my plans to travel and visit my brothers family that being without the s really didn’t bother me too too much..i was sitting for a moment on thursday and said to myself “what am i going to do when i get home? i am so used to the s filling up my day and thinking of him” i actually got myself down thinking this and missing him…i know i have to get back to normal everyday life but because i was so consumed with travel plans and excitement it took up my head space..do we always get these ups and downs or will it go away?? i can’t believe i miss him and am looking for some sort of communication on his part…not to worry, will not contact him, i am strict that way…but still..ugh
Janie jane jane!
Time for a hobby I think 😉 I know where you’re at with their consumption of our time and its dysfunctional. We have an opportunity to get ourselves the life we truly want but it is hard to make that first move… I’m glad you enjoyed your holiday so now plan the next one until you get yourself into a new habit of thinking and planning your new life – don’t worry I’m taking my own advice here!
Undertheradar
Yes I will get back on the right track, I feel myself thinking of other things…I guess I had a stupid moment of temp insanity
Thanks for boost 🙂 xo