UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jane doe
Exactly. If your ex was working for the CIA he probably would not even tell anyone. Mine would say “I could cheat on you and you would not know it”. Then “just kidding. “. Why would someone decent say that to his wife and mother of his child. I never thought much about it.
They are all so messed up. Let them live their miserable lifes. I think it’s a way of punishment for their sins. their souls are already sold to the devil.
Kaya48
“I could cheat on you and you’d never know” was a subconscious message! I look back now and see that he was warning me throughout the entire marriage. He also became what he accused everyone else of being. I know this ploy now so no one’s going to get away with squat! (Lol I’m in such a good mood)
Kaya
How could someone decent say that?
Because he wasn’t decent…he was an indecent idiot to do what he did to you and your son
To UNDERTHERADAR…I have to share what MINE said to me. We were having a conversation about cheating, and I told her that I would not put up with cheating. She also implied that I would never know, but then she added that “everything washes off in the shower.” How dysfunctional is that?!?!
Neveragain
Your alias (never again) tells me that you won’t fall for it again. Now you are wiser and know what to listen for. I also told my spath that I wouldn’t tolerate an affair but he just assured me that “I was his one and only!” It was his judgment of others that became his truth. Now onwards and upwards! I’m off to enjoy the beach before work and before the weather changes 🙂
Under the radar
Makes sense what you are saying. A “hidden little” message for me. And oh yes, he became what he accused everyone of. Exactly.
I hear so many bad things about his police department. sex parties, affairs , dating within the ranks and so on. How nicely they are spending my tax dollars. I am so grateful I am not associated with anyone in that department and evdn live in a different county. Who know what he would have fabricated and carried out?
My luck was that my lawyer was an experienced criminal defense attorney. Also he used to be the assistant D.A. So my ex was not a big challenge. I know God was looking out for me. I talked to many lawyers but never felt comfortable until I met that one.
Jane
Yes, isn’t it funny how they think we are all dumb idiots ? Mine thought he was God because he graduated from that police academy. Yuck.
Kaya48
Haha they are so foolish! I dobbed my spath and the entire department in for the sex parties and sex while on duty. Because there was a mention of the media getting involved, his boss took my claims seriously and there was a mad scramble to clean it up before it went public 😉 I also told his boss to turn the GPS on in his car to monitor his behavior. This was 2 weeks before he picked up a 14 year old, on duty, and she accused him of sexually assaulting her the next day! Oh the guidance of my higher self is worth gold – the timing was none to shabby either! Fist pump in air!!!
kaya48
How did you end up hiring a criminal defense attorney with experience as an assistant D.A.? THis was sheer BRILLIANT GENIUS of you…the only attorneys who understand how to fight a sociopath are criminal attorneys. If I knew someone who needed to divorce a sociopath, I’d advise them to grab an attorney who deals with the nastiest criminal element and knows how to thwart them.
Family/Divorce attorneys are good for compromising, necessary in normal divorces, but horrible for sociopath who easily manipulate compromising attorneys.
To undertheradar….thanks for your good faith. I was doing so well but am backsliding….tomorrow is her birthday and all I want to do in this very moment is forget the bad and remember only the good.
Neveragain
DON’T DO IT! EVER, EVER AGAIN! Lol we all have our weaknesses, I’m just glad I finally erased all ways of communication but it took 8 months after leaving him, armed with huge amounts of evidence and a good swift kick from Hanalei NWHSOM and AnnettePK for me to finally move on – this will be you one day!
Neveragain51, hoooo! Remember what my therapist said about anniversaries? A birthday qualifies for one, so this accounts for your tendency to backslide at this moment. Understandable.
Pace yourself, feel what you have to feel, but WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T MAKE CONTACT!
And you will get through it. Remembering the good is what kept/keeps us hooked, and I know you know the score, so I have faith in you to get through this and get back on track!
Look over here, your cheering section is full!! 🙂
Neveragain
Listen to everyone here and don’t do it!! It brings you back to square one and starting all over again
I did it to mine in January after debating whether I shd…he hasn’t even said HB to me and it was my 50th in sept like it was no big deal and I actually debated it for him? He didn’t even thank me and have not heard back since then…don’t waste precious time!
Not
Exactly. I came across this attorney when I had to defend myself for that restraining order. The minute I talked to him I pretty much knew my ex had no chance against this guy. I searched only for male
attorneys. A female would have been easily manipulated by the ex.
Family/divorce lawyers are for “civil” divorces, no narcissust of sociopath involved. I needed someone who could “top “my husband, who is even uglier and more arrogant. Ha. That lawyer had it all, but the difference was that he was a christian and a very nice person outside of court.
Like I said, going to court is no fun by any means. But seeing my ex reduced to basically nothing , looking like an idiot, like a manipulator. , it did bring me great joy. For the first time in 20 years I stood up , not inside a house, in open court in front of 60/70 other people. It must have been pure torture for a sociopath to be publicly put down. And did he look pale and fragile. Did I care? Not at all.
I still celebrate the 3rd of July of 2013 as my victory day. 🙂
kaya48
I will look up the Bible passage but paraphrasing here, you have an example where God uses Evil for Your Good. (Gen 50:20?) If your husband had not been so Evil that you needed an attorney for his restraining order, you would never have connected with Your Good Legal Council. To me, God has clearly intervened for your good.
Not
Wow. Never thought of it this way. Thank you for reminding me how awesome God works. I never connected it like this. You are so knowledgeable. Thank you.
Hey everyone…sorry that I have been MIA. Having a hard time. Don’t know what to do or say. Why do I fall back into the trap every time. Nothing changes. So much to say but I’m scared to say them. I’ve failed once again. I’m not a priority to him. I never will be.
Hi, Freedom15, I know its hard dont beat yourself up. If it is any better I am going through the same thing. I just tell myself I will try again tomorrow and tell myself it will be ok. I know I am not a priority to my NP. But no one is a priority not even his wife or kids. I guess we need to focus on the truths we know. That we will never be the only one, that they dont care abt anyone but themselves, and they will continue to take from us. We need to tell ourselves we are worth more and are valued. Our value is based on health not sickness like them. we need to hold on no matter where we are. please dont give up. i am going back and forth as well as my emotions are sturdy yet. they will be.
Hi, Freedom15, I know its hard dont beat yourself up. If it is any better I am going through the same thing. I just tell myself I will try again tomorrow and tell myself it will be ok. I know I am not a priority to my NP. But no one is a priority not even his wife or kids. I guess we need to focus on the truths we know. That we will never be the only one, that they dont care abt anyone but themselves, and they will continue to take from us. We need to tell ourselves we are worth more and are valued. Our value is based on health not sickness like them. we need to hold on no matter where we are. please dont give up. i am going back and forth as well as my emotions are sturdy yet. they will be.
Jane
So true. He was not a decent person. He was fake and evil. One day karma will come to your ex. He will begging you for contact . And you will be able to have the last word, your last word. And that is the answer of silence. I truly believe this is the only thing they hear loud and clear. Nothing else, you can leave them , divorce them but the most powerful action you can take is ignoring them. I let my ex know that he is not worthy enough to get answer or a reply. He sets stupid deadlines in his letters. Deadlines mean nothing to me. He can tell them to my lawyer.
You would not believe the difference in me , in my thinking , in my appearance since I removed myself of this craziness of talking to him. He will never validate the pain he caused me. Instead he blames, makes up stuff about me and in the end declares me crazy. Who needs that ?
Jane
I think your ex told so many lies, he probably had to leave the country and marry that girl. How else would be organize all the lies. When the lying gets out of hand they usually discard. That poor wife of his. She will be next on the devalue and discard list.
Kaya
You’re correct when you say “poor wife”. She’s young and unaware right now of his actions. Do you know what he told me before they got married?? All the while pretending she was this unattractive horrible person, he said to me “she is not as clever as you are, she would never be able to find out what I do behind her back”. I will always remember that statement.
When he contacted me at Xmas an I responded to one of the emails he sent me, I sent it to one of his addresses he uses for “business” so it wasn’t the usual address I use. He wrote back and was very cruel and said “he knew he shd never have contacted me, I’m not allowed to contact him at this address and his wife Will most def find out and all communication will come to an end with us”. That was his last message…and I hadn’t been the one contacting him. He did telling me how miserable he was marrying this girl and he wanted me back. To think I was prepared to actually give him the chance to explain why he left me and married her and I told him I had still strong feelings for him because I’m normal and it doesn’t disappear overnite..
You’re right, he will be back, he had to find out first how I felt and eventually when he’s bored he will start his pity act with me and now I know what he is capable of. We live and learn
Kaya
Sorry I forgot to add the point of my message to you
He had said how she wasn’t a clever woman but then contradicted himself when I wrote him at his business address saying she will find out I messaged him at this address and we will have to cute
Communication…hadnt he said before she was not a clever woman? Lies lies lies
That was my point, I got carried away 🙂
Jane
Your last communication with the spath reminded me of how they run hot and cold. You never know how they’ll react to anything, always walking on egg shellThisis this on the “red flag” list – it should be if its not. This should also be enough, have been enough of a reason for us to leave.
I wish I had the self worth to say that that was enough and not go searching for the whys…
undertheradar
I went through a process. I wanted to know why, which I found, and then next I wanted to know HOW he was able to dupe me so that I would recognize it.
That’s when I made a list, a man with no real close friends. My ex was “friends” with people he literally shared a baby bath with, but those people didn’t know him at all, didn’t know his fav food, or music, or his life philosophy, or fav sports team (he had none, it was whatever team that his target dupe liked), etc.
I used to get into a loop. Then a very wise therapist pointed out to me that the reason for the loop is that I didn’t like the answer so my problem was that I kept looking for an answer that didn’t hurt so much. (why did he do this to me? I’d repeat over and over.) Once I realized that my ex did this behavior to EVERYONE, then it was still painful but I was able to accept it and learn ways to take care of my healing.
NWHSOM
I’ve finally got my head and heart on the same page! It’s taken the 8 months since I left, well really it’s taken years but that was just delusional, I don’t even feel like daily comments in the diary anymore so it’s a win for me and a step closer towards a new life.
janedoe
Yep Another red flag is NO loyalty. So if we witness them throwing Anyone under the bus, it will be done to us.
What may APPEAR as loyalty to us is just a ruse, they are in process of leeching, and when done sucking what they want, they drop off.
I told one woman who was rubbing my face in her affair with my husband… she was crowing about how he chose HER over me. I said, “if he did it to me, he’ll do it to YOU.” And he did, the very NEXT day. Dumped her as if she never existed. Love one day, NOTHING… cold flatfaced nothing…which she blamed me for.
Never again
Please listen to Jane. Breaking the no contact rule will have terrible consequences. I also broke them a few times and it resulted in more tears, blaming and crazy making. If I would have only listen back then. I would have got over this so much sooner. I am No contact for almost 2 years now, best decision ever. I eventually listened to people here on LF.
I will never get an apology , an explanation , a closure for him. This is my closure and he cannot take it away. Because it is my way of ending it. Divorcing him truly saved my life. No contact is not a form of revenge or payback, it is my security of my emotional well being. And this why you should never break it.
Thanks everyone. My heart knows that you are all right….just having a difficult moment. I appreciate the uplifting words…