UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev.
I am glad you are ok. I am so sorry that you heard that conversation. I truly think he did this on purpose to inflict more pain onto you. I am sorry that you texted him back. I used to do the same just asking for pain and more hurt. I truly think you should have no contact at all with him. You will not be able to heal, recover and go on with your life. I wish and pray for more strength for you.
I am truly great now. And the only reason I am is the no contact.
Kaya-i had to let him know I heard. I don’t know why. But I had to.its so dumb at this point. I know I will never get my answers. He doesn’t care. Then..After all that he had the nerve to say I could see his kidd Sunday if I wanted and celebrate. His birthday.
Consider that he may be deliberately hooking you into feeling that you ‘have to’ contact him. He is manipulating you and manufacturing that feeling of desiring to contact him. My ex P did care to harm me, to make me feel bad, and to have power and control over me.
Perhaps you could try delaying contact when you feel compelled to contact him. When you feel overwhelmingly like responding to him, recognize that you always can do so even if you don’t right away. My ex P created and exploited that sense of urgency in me for a long time until I recognized what he was doing. Your feelings are normal, but he is manipulating your normal responses and using them to harm you. I eventually learned to delay my responses to my ex P, which gave me time to think and gain some clarity. After awhile, the P’s power over me diminished, and I was able to choose not to respond.
Take care of yourself, and try not to think about him as much as possible, try to focus on parts of your life and things to do that don’t involve him to give yourself a break from grieving.
yes i second that. do NOT respond immediately. u can later, when emotions have diminished and you have THOT about it and have some perspective on it, maybe talked to someone else to get clarity, etc. hopefully you will see the fruitlessness of replying and wont at all. but at least it will be thotful and not emotions talking.
NEVER NEVER be rushed, even when ur talking to him. talk slowly, pause when replying. if he gets impatient, so what? talk slowly so u are able to THINK. he will use ANYTHING you say, against u forever.
Back when I was in the thick of it, I always was compelled to respond immediately, to make things right, justify myself, make him understand. He made me crazy that way, and YES, he used it all against me.
Even if it goes against everything you feel, think, and feel compelled to do, waiting to respond, or better yet, not responding at all is the best path.
So much agony, so much torture we have all been through.
My exP used to criticize his first ex wife to me for what she DIDN’T say:
He complained that she never asked for what she wanted. I figured out that she’d probably given up at some point in their 20+ year marriage. I also figured out that if she’d asked for what she wanted from him, he would complain that she was always asking/demanding.
AnnettePK,
Criticizing for what was NOT said. YEsss….
My ex twisted much of what I said, and there were consequences to his interpretation.
Near the end, before I left him, he was making up WHOLE conversations, with again, punishing consequences. I was crying once, about such machinations, and asked WHY was I being punished. His answer: He KNEW me and knew what I would say, so… he was entitled to behave as he did.
Really, this happened. I laugh at the ludicracy now, but then, it tore me apart, the nonsense was so overwhelming and I sobbed and sobbed, impotent and ground into dirt.
ps I was also punished for being demanding, which meant “I was always asking questions”.
There is no way to ‘win’ on their terms. It’s rigged from the beginning. When I queried my ex P about his (first) divorce, he said, “If I had not left her when I did she would have gotten much worse.” It was buried in a pages long wordy email, and I missed it at first; but later when I came back to it I realized that he was blaming her for something he hadn’t done yet in order to justify his leaving her (which he lied about and said she kicked him out.)
He did the same thing constantly to me and my son, saying, “If I do (the right thing), then you (and/or son) will do (some horrible thing, that we would not have done) therefore I have to do (the wrong thing.)” And “I had to lie, because you (or son) would do (some horrible thing) if I told the truth.” And this from a “man” who advertises himself as a Christian who is committed to keeping the Ten Commandments. Rather than arguing about what I/son would or would not do, I pointed out to him over and over and over and over that a commitment to not lying is unconditional and not dependent on what others do or don’t do when one tells the truth. He kept on using the same lying excuse to me; it was retarded. My young teenage son likened him to this video. https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=retarded+running+horse Maybe others here see a resemblance to their psycho/sociopaths. I chastised my son for being disrespectful to psychopath stepfather at the time, but son was essentially right.
In the 19th century psychopathy was called “moral insanity.”
Taralev
Annette is so right. If you delay your responses it gives you time to think more clearly and rationally. I used to respond to his crap right away. That’s so bad to do. Then later looking at my responses I was mad at myself for giving him that satisfaction. Being silent and ignoring him will be more of a “punishment ” for him than anything else. I have no contact now for over a year. The urge to respond diminished after a few weeks or a month. He will not pull me into his darkness anymore. I am done dealing with the devil.
its not even a punishment.
you dont care.
that is freedom.
that is you WINNING.
Taralav, it is likely on purpose. You could have left the phone connected to run up his cost and just not listened! He is playing games as psychopaths do. However, what we advise you at the moment may not be the advice you take. That is ok, as we have been there! But what I will say is our advice will protect you and help you recover faster. Noone here wants you to suffer like we did. I don’t want you to learn by your own mistakes. I want you to learn from mine and save yourself extra pain. We really are your friends here and he is your tormentor. Some of us need to be sh*tted all over from a great height and dragged through the games before we think “enough”. You will know when that day arrives and I can only hope for you that it will be soon, before he totally destroys you. It would be easier if we could all take you out for a drink and a chat for human contact but the advice would be the same…no contact in any form, even reading texts or emails will delay your recovery. I hate what he is doing to you and the control he is having over you. Keep reading about psychopathy to help you be strong and thanks for getting in touch and your honesty over succumbing to his mind games.
I know, I think he wants to destroy me. I really do, he sent a lengthy message to me to relay to my son..which I never did. I think he WANTS me to just be crazy..since hes called me crazy to everyone. He has control over my emotions and he loves it. I wish I could just pull myself together and see how sick and twisted he is.
I could never have moved on that fast. Even if I had been the one ending it. I would need time for myself. He is using this girl for something..a place to live I am sure of, maybe she has money. I know her family has a beach home because he went away with her already. He is using something and he seems very very concerned to keep a hook of her because hes canceling this weekends with his kids to run around with her!
You are right that he is just using whomever he’s with at the moment. She just doesn’t know it. He will not change. My ex P pretty much did the same with me, only I was the one with access to a beachhouse, and my ex P neglected his adult children to smother my minor son with fake attention when he met me. He went on to abandon my son completely when he left me. That’s what these Psychopaths do because that’s what they are.
The way you’re thinking about things now is the process of pulling yourself together and seeing him for what he is. It’s painful and stressful and tiring and intense mental and psychological work. It might be helpful to give yourself a break and focus on something else from time to time, which is difficult to do.
Bally
You stated it so correctly. We have been through this and I wish I could just save 1 person like Taralev from making the same mistakes I made. I listened to his crap, I let him abuse me over and over. Let him tell me hos worthless and “mental ill” I am. I cried and cried. Like I said before he was on a cruise, sipping champagne while he blamed me for his cheating. One time he said “I am ok, it’s as good as it’s going to get”. Playing the victim. On financials I saw that when he texted those words he was in the Bahamas with the little whore. Instead of providing for his only child he supported her.
I am totally done with him. I let him walk all over me for 20 years and then another 3 months after I was thrown away along with his child. Please listen to our advise. He will destroy you more with every text and email or phone call. And if you think about. Why would you want a person in your life who is capable of walking out like that ? Not only is he a cheater. He is a liar and who needs thAt? Let him go. And don’t worry about her. She is merely an extension if him just like we were.
wow- I cant believe he was texting you while in the Bahamas. that is so awful 🙁 My ex spath has not picked up his children or seen them (I am friends with the childrens mom)..he makes up lies about when he works..because he is ALWAYS with he. 3 months and its like they are married..hes obsessed with her..and its so sickening to me he lied to her about his age. The girl is only 26!! He sent me a message last night and said ” I took care of you when you were addicted to pills, and slept with the light on for 6 months so I just had enough”
What does that even mean..or how is that in any way related to what he did. First of all I have never been addicted to ANYTHING. I lost my sister tragically and my dr gave me ambien for a few months..i was not addicted. I slept with my light on because I had nightmares of her dying. I was going thru grief!! He is saying all these random things to justify what he did. Its crazy..I know hes crazy I just still am going thru this phase of “did he really do this”. I really was with a man I never knew for 6 years.
I just hope karma is real.
After we are out of the insanity, in hindsight we regret the time we spent suffering from the spath’s devices, but there’s not a shortcut to get from there to where we are now. I think everyone has to travel their own path. It’s natural for us to want to save others from the horror we went through. I think it’s most helpful for others if we offer support, understanding, and options for them to consider.
Thank you AnnettePK, I know everyone on her is really trying to help. And even though I am still making bad choices I do listen and learn from you all..
Taralev
He wants you to think you are “crazy”. My ex one time said I should get some anti depressants because it would make me feel better. Of course my doctor prescribed some when I asked him for it. When I got home I said “wait, I am not depressed and threw them away”. I did not tell my ex. You know what he said thinking I was taking them “wow, you are so much better, see you really need them.” I could not believe that. He was literally trying to kill me. Slowly, maybe a heart attack or stroke would be a nice way to get rid of me. Then he would have the house , the son , the money , no need for a divorce , his minions and he would be the victim. I met an awesome nurse practioner who knew what was going on. Her along with my marriage counselor and my lawyer, I had an excellent teAm to defeat him. In my eyes I am totally the winner. Not only financially but emotionally. I got him out of my life, he has to pay alimony and I have my freedom. Today I marked number 302 days of no crying. Wow ,the 20 years I was with him, I cried every day.
I prayed to god to take him out of my life because I did not have the strength to leave my comfort zone. In reality I was in hell. But God listened and he gave him a little “Delilah “,in form of a little mionion/whore, and of course he could not resist her.
Taralev you will get to the point where you don’t care one bit about this guy. It takes time and a lot if self control. I was there and I can feel for you.
Yes, he tells me over and over I am so crazy, and “look how ive acted and embarrassed him”. REALLY. HE CHEATED ON ME WITH NOT 1, 2 COWORKERS. I did NOTHING vengeful..how am I crazy. I know some women who would have freaked out..slashed tires, went after the girl. I did nothing but cry..call him and ask him why. I am not crazy!! He lied and manipulated me for years..and before he left in feb- he was already setting up house with her. He had it all pre-planned.
Kaya, mine did exactly the same thing – push me to go to the doctor to get anti-depressants. I took them for a very short time the first time (not even long enough for them to start working) because they made my mouth so dry I couldn’t function at work. I told him that and after a few weeks, he pushed me to go get something different. I did. This time I did what you did, didn’t even take them and he commented on how much better I was.
I have never talked about it, but after he discarded me and I was away from him for a year or so, I started to think back to things and believe he was trying to kill me too, or at least make me very sick. Over a period of over a year, I had very severe diarrhea EVERY Sunday morning at his house – I had never experienced anything like that before or after. I chalked it up to stress (because he said that was my problem) at the time. I never had it if we weren’t at his house, and when it did happen, he always used it to be mean to me because I wasn’t up for sex. He used to buy me bottled water to keep beside the bed, and I stopped finishing a bottle if the seal was broken, only drinking out of fresh ones. I have no proof, but I think he was slipping me something.
Hanalei,
I had the same experience with my husband. Before we separated, I became very ill with stomach issues and after months of suffering, I had a colonoscopy. My intestines were blistered and raw. That continues until he left. Now, I am fine. I have no problems with that issue.
My friends think he was trying to kill me.
Please be careful everyone. The one we love is not real, and the evil one that IS real could do anything!
Taralav,
Sadly, the BS he is saying to you about you being addicted is probably what he is telling others to justify his leaving. My ex P would say crazy accusations to me like that, and I eventually realized these were the lies he was spinning to others who had no reason not to believe him. I also realized that all the stuff he told me about his first ex wife was the same BS. She was actually a decent woman, but he lied to me and others that she was intractably horrible. It is overwhelmingly painful; and absolutely insane, and evil.
I believe karma is real. My belief includes God’s promise to us that is repeated 3 times in the Bible, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.” As I understand it, we are relieved of the burden of having to ‘get even’ ‘put him in his place’ etc. It’s a promise that God will take care of exacting the right consequences to those who choose to harm others and will not change. Whatever your philosophy is, it’s a universal principle that works if you wait long enough.
Yes, SAME THING here. He told me horrible things about his ex wife. I went to her because I needed to talk to someone who could understand..and NOTHING he said about her was true. He used to try to keep us from being friends. I have never abused pills, alcohol, nothing..him saying I was addicted to pills is insane..I was going thru grief and needed something to help me sleep!!
They will turn anything around and use it against you; it doesn’t matter what it is. There is no way we can ‘win’ in that way. I drove myself crazy for awhile trying to do the right things and ‘win’ with him, until I realized that his pattern is set in stone, he wants me to be awful and complain about me. It is the most frustrating thing in the world until we quit playing the game, which is extremely difficult because the P’s are doing everything they can to keep us in it. It’s not easy to see when we’re in it. My young teenage son used to say to me, “You’re like a puppet on a string, Mom.” It took me a long time to understand what he meant.
Ladies there will also be a point where you don’t care if they get what they deserve. I don’t care at all. I just see him as an aid to learning about psychopaths. He was my teacher :). I’m on this site to learn and share experiences.
What I do care about is him harming others. The women they are with are likely normal humans like us who will be hurt…..and badly. It is inevitable. They have feelings hopes and dreams like we had. They are in for a horrible ending. At the moment they are likely a bit temporarily insane, caught up in all the BS fed to them and they will not be thinking rationally. They will be ignoring their intuition as we did. These women are someone’s children, maybe someone’s mother, they were once little girls, little babies, and look at what is happening to them now they have met a psychopath.
It is horrible. It is natural to feel anger and jealously towards these women when wounds are raw…but these victims took the psychopath away from us and the destruction he caused. We should be grateful to them at the same time so sorry for them and should warn them if possible and if safe for us to do so.
Some victims kill themselves when discarded. That is tragic. And worse the psychopath will feel even more superior and only have contempt for the “pathetic crazy woman”.
Bally- I sure hope I get to that point where I don’t care. It bothers me non stop- wakes me up in my sleep. I just am so grateful to have this site and nice caring people like all of you to listen..give advice and care, and truly UNDERSTAND
Taralev
I did the same. I asked him over and over “why”? After 20 years why? The only crap I got was “because you are crazy, I had to leave you”. At the beginning I almost believed this as I was so addicted to him.
And Bally is right, I am now thankful for the co worker. I don’t feel sorry for her, in my eyes she asked for it by engaging in an affair knowing he was married. But I owe her. I truly think had she not come into this marriage I would not be alive today. It is very difficult to see the big picture when you are in so much pain. But pretty soon you will proceed into the next stage of grief. I was sad, angry, furious and then I accepted it. Once you accept it you will feel better. And yes , God has a plan. He won’t get away with what he did. I sold mostly everything that reminded me of him. He can go on any cruise he wants to,he can take her to every restaurant he wishes. In the end she will end up as garbage just like myself and his son. Those people never change. They don’t feel guilty or ashamed because they are entitled to everything that makes them “happy”. In reality they are not happy and if he wants to live a life of sin, let him. I am grateful he can lie to her now. Because there will always be a better, sexier, younger minion crossing his path.
Yes, Romans 8:28, God uses everything for ultimate good for those who love and obey Him.