UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hi Elsa, just checking to see how you are doing since you haven’t posted in several days.
Hi jan. Thanks!
I am reading everything! I feel “mixed”
I went to the therapy and it is ok but I didn’t book another. I really feel I need counselling re abuse. I went to bed the other night and just sobbed in my husbands arms. He said ” you just need to get over this”
So hard! I saw “him” the other day and he was abrasive again ( after being all over me the previous time)
I feel like I am scared but have decided that th best thing I can do is to avoid seeing UK. At all costs. The therapist said I should try and see him, so I am in control and can practice my planned respinse. But to be honest it just upset me.
I have booked a holiday with a girlfriend to the canaries in three weeks.
I am reading Psychopath Free book, which is just like reading a book written about him.
I saw his wife the other day and she was equally aloof. She has always been fine with me. I just know he is bad mouthing me and that she is now in his cycle of abuse!!
That’s not my problem.
I keep having flashbacks to lots of things he said and did which confirm his abuse.
I don’t wat to talk to him. I just wish I had never met him.
I am still here. And I will be ok. Thanks for asking x
Hi Elsa, glad you are ok. follow your gut with regards to the type of counseling you need & want. Your gut is telling you need a counselor who is knowledgable with abuse so fire this one and find another, tell who ever is in charge of giving you the counselor referral that you need someone that deals with sociopathic abuse..hold firm on this….always listen to your gut it knows exactly what you need. It really helps to interview several counselors by phone with regards to their knowledge of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse prior as very few counselors fully understand this abuse and you can also get a good feel if you like how they treat you on the phone to choose the one you like best.
It is common to go through a few counselors before you find one that is good. I would also suggest a female counselor vs a male counselor as a female will be more in tune with your emotional state. The other option is to call your local abuse center and ask them if they have an outside counselor recommendation as they will direct you to a abuse counselor most likely.
The fact that this counselor is telling you that you should see him (“The therapist said I should try and see him, so I am in control and can practice my planned respinse. But to be honest it just upset me.”) ….is not only mind blowing but indicates the counselor is NOT educated on sociopathic abuse what so ever otherwise he would have explained the No contact rule to you & why it is the only way to move on. The fact that it “upsets” you to talk with him (the sociopath) tells me that your gut once again is telling you that you should not meet with him (the sociopath) and again you should follow your gut and dont dismiss your emotional feelings as they are your true gut reaction to every situation.
I think any good person does not like another person bad mouthing them…this is what sociopaths love to do & do it well, sadly people believe the sociopaths lying words until they too are sucked into the sociopaths con game & smear campaign. When I first left my ex h it hurt me deeply that he was smearing my good name but the fact is he was doing it from day one when I meet him I just did not fully understand his manipulative game. I would often wonder why friends would say things to me or would ignore me and when I asked my ex h he would always say they were “jealous” of me…which I always told him that was bs. Dr Phil has a book called Life Code it’s about narcissist/sociopath (all though he does no use these terms in the book) he states that if someone is talking with you about others they are talking about you with others so no one is free from this guys sociopathic smear campaign. The one thing you can do to correct the situation is to ask the people you think he has gotten to “Do you thing so and so is a con artist?” (or a sociopath) (questions open up peoples minds from sociopath manipulation). Just leave that question open end and let them think about that question over and over in their mind. The next time they see the sociopath the first thing that will pop into their minds is the question “do you think he is a con artist?” and they will start to see his true dark side.
I am sorry that your husband said “you just need to get over this”….it’s hard for an outsider to fully understand the mental & emotional abuse that a sociopath can inflict on a person via manipulation & gas lighting abuse. Have you asked your husband to look at one of the websites on sociopathic abuse or the books that you have read? Education is the only way for outsiders to fully learn about what their family member experienced. The free audio version book The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout is on you tube maybe your husband will listen to it for you to get an understand of what you endured and why you cant just “get over this” so quickly.
Look into taking vitamin B Complex, D & magnesium as they will feed your brain much needed vitamins/minerals with have been depleted because of all the stress you have been under my doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal formula when I first left my ex h. They all help with depression & anxiety. It is believed that 1 in 3 adults are deficient in these vitamins/mineral. This will help with your flash backs.
Great plan for a holiday….I hear the canary Islands are beautiful…love the pictures of the beaches… Jimmy Buffet sings it well “Changes in latitude, changes in attitude”…latitude changes are always a good plan for good mindset!!
Talk with you soon. Take care
Thanks Jan, for your kind words.
I do read every reply to everyone’s posts ( they come direct to my email!!)
In some ways, I feel a fraud here because I know my situation is nothing compared to others. I think my husband meant what he said sympathetically. He just help me and said we can get over this but that I needed to in order for us to get over it. I have been badly affected. I am a ntaturally sensitive person. I think I am very loyal to friends and bear with people a lot longer than others might. That is the hook the spath used isn’t it!?? He knew it!!!
I have flashbacks to many things he said and I sont understand!
I was planning on ringing a local domestic abuse line. I did trylast week but the lady I had spoken with previously was on leave. So I will try again today.
I do think my gut is telling me to not see him if I can manage to avoid him. It makes me worse ( triggers the feeling that maybe I can put things right!!!!) why would I want to??
Yes, looking forward to a holiday. Three weeks today!
My husband is a farmer and the busiest time of year is approaching ( lambs being born)
I always struggle then with lonliness and exhaustion. I am anxiously about that too, anxiousl to get over this and truly recover!
I am also trying hard to look after myself ( the holiday is part of that) , exercising regularly, relaxing when I want to etc. Time heals all things I suppose!!
Elsa, you are welcomed here, please know that everyone is effected in a negative way by a sociopath it does not matter if it’s the neighbor next door, or a co worker, their children, a friend like you, their wife/spouse everyone is hurt emotionally & mentally and needs to heal including you. So please put it out of your mind that you think your abuse was less then ours it was not, you were abuse in the same fashion as us. If anything your abuse was more stealth which is even more abusive.
The good news about you being ’naturally sensitive person” (like the rest of us) means your brain functions correctly specially in the emotional section of the brain. That is a true blessing to know.
Your a good person this is why you want to “put things right” and this attitude is great when you are dealing with another normal person but when dealing with a sociopath they truly do not care if things are “put right”…..they have no feelings literally, their brain does not function in the emotional region. So this guy just moves on to the next target victim and leaves a long trail of abuse behind him with no worries.
The flashbacks are not all bad, your brain is sorting out all that you are reading and sorting it with all the lies & manipulation that the sociopath said/did to you. It’s over whelming at times emotionally to deal with the flashbacks but you are opening your mind up to what truly happened in this relationship.
Sounds like you are married to a wonderful hardworking man. True blessing!
Please know that the anxiety & exhaustion you are feeling is actually your adrenal glands producing higher levels of cortisol & adrenaline (normal after any stressful situation) which can lead to your hormones becoming off balanced all of these things cause anxiety/depression…those vitamins that I posted above will help you as this is what my doctor gave me when I first left my ex within hours of progestone hormone pills & Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins my anxiety was half it works that quickly. Remember everything is not all in your mind it is also your body causing the anxiety issue.
You should be so proud of yourself Elsa you have come a long way in a short amount of time…your mind has opened up from the sociopaths brain washing/mind control you see him how he is, you are reaching out for help, you are leaning on your husband for support, taking a break and getting out of town to a lovely beach…this is great progress give yourself some credit where due. Pat yourself on the back and say Bravo to me!
You are going to come out stronger & have a stronger married with your husband.
As for the post going to your email. Maybe send Lovefraud a request to not have the post sent to your email if this is what you want.
Take care.
Elsa
Glad you are ok. I have been to the Canary Islands. Take the time to enjoy the brautiful places there. What really surprises me is that the counselors told you to see him to gain control over him. I not sue if this is such a good idea?
My counsellor told me to stay away from my ex , to only talk through lawyers. Because the only way to get better is to remove yourself.
Good luck. Glad you are ok.
Elsa
There is absolutely no way you will gain control over a narcissust/sociopath. Even trying is a waste of time. Believe I tried for over 20 years and the only thing that worked was and is ignoring him, walking away and not responding . You cannot win an argument, you can win a disagreement , you can only hold your head up high , walk away and never respond.
I fed into his sick games for 3 long months after he left. He got pure enjoyment out of it. He often told me “see, how is the crazy one , see who destroyed this marriage. ” a few times I really blamed myself. Finding the emails and pictures of the co worker validated my suspicions and changed my thinking. I said “no more”.
Please don’t see him, you won’t gain control. You can take my word.
Kaya I agree with you. I think this therapist was thinking along the lines of fear of flying – keep flying, tough it out, and eventually (hopefully), you’ll get “over” it, or at least be able to tolerate it.
There’s no gaining control in this way when it comes to a sociopath. The only way to gain any control is of ourselves through NC.
Elsa, it sounds like you’re doing well! Yay on the getaway!! I think therapy will continue to help you, but you still need to find the right therapist.
Hi, Maybe someone can give me some hints in my situation as far as NC. I am doing what everyone is saying but I need this job. this pays my bills and insurance for my daughter. What upsets me is I see him not everyday but at least 3 to 4 times a week. I have been at my job for 21 years so me just getting up and leaving will not happen. I think the hardest part is it is all hidden. No one knows my NP and how he really works. So i suffer in silence bcs i cant tell anyone. He will use it against me and start trouble. I hate it everyday, i deal with this. I dont know what to do. I tell myself he is a liar, cheat and married. I tell myself that no good comes from him. But i am hurt injured and emotionally raped by this man. He does not have a care in the world abt how he was towards me and anything he did.
Unless he is willing and able to engage with me over his actions and my feelings I can’t think of any reason to talk to him. I know, from reading and analysing ( which he hates, of course) that he won’t ever talk this through with me.
He is a user and a very abusive “man”, who I stupidly allowed to take the emotional investment meant for my husband and I can connect so much witht he idea of being emotionally raped.
I do feel I need external help and I think that will coem best from someone who deals with domestic abuse. The counsellor I went to see worked for an organisation called Relate ( general relationship counselling)
He was wise but he said he couldn’t comment on whether he was a socials path since he hadn’t met him. He said i needed to put the S back where he had been before we ever got friendly, someone I passed in the street and said “hi” to and walked on. The problem is that when I see him, I freeze on th inside ( fear/flight) , I mutter hi and he returns in the same way, which juts makes me sad and confirms that ( in my opinion) he dislikes me. And the vicious circle begins again.
So, while I don’t see him, I can feel a sense of relief. I was in town before and when I drove back home I actually said to myslef “that’s one more day”
My aim is not to see him before I go away on the 16 March , that will be three weeks and then I am away for a week! A whole spath free month!!! And I hope in that time I will heal!
One thing I have not told you is that I am due to foster a little boy ( long term)
He is seven years old and inthe care of the local authorities.
Me and my family love him like our own child ( we are connected to him , I was actually at his birth)
My “relationship” with the spath never impacted on these plans. As far as I was concerned it want an issue. We were friends, no more ( even if I now see there was an emotional attachment)
But I need to heal before the little boy come to live with us and I knwo when he does that my life will take on a whole new realm, which I will enjoy!!
What a mess!!! But I am NOT going to let him ruin it.
The plans to have the child have been going through the court for a few months and once, the S wife said to me ” do you think it is wise for the authorities to send a child to someone who is about to have a nervous breakdown?”
I mentioned that to the S and he said ( about his wife) ” she is losing the plot”
I NOW realise ( due to reading and exploring this topic) that he was triangulating me with his wife.
He had been helping me a lot with my project and I believe he had been justifying this by telling her that I couldn’t cope/ was stressed out etc etc ………
I was ( and am) actually doing a great job with my project and welcomed his involvement at the time!
He fits the S profile completely!!!!
Elsa, no legitimate therapist will ever comment on the “diagnosis” of a third party who isn’t sitting in front of them. That doesn’t mean a zebra isn’t a zebra.
I’m sure you’ve seen that recently Neveragain51 got some benefit out of my talk on in the end, it doesn’t matter if you can absolutely pin a label on someone, it is enough that if they treated you badly, they do not belong in your life.
From afar, it sounds like you have a very full and lovely life. A steady husband who seems to be very gentle with you, a farm, friends to go on holiday with, a place in the community and now, a new addition to your family!! You are in the center of all of this and it can bring nothing but new joys! Gosh! You are going to be so busy with everything that in a few months, I’d be surprised if this nut even crosses your mind anymore!
Those are my own thoughts exactly. I know, in my own mind, that when the child comes, life will take on a whole new realm. I can’t wait, for many reasons! And yes, I do have many blessings, I don’t count them often enough!!!
I take refuge in my family, my faith and in all that I have achieved . It is just not good to have had it all rubbished by him!!
I shared so much of my heart with him and he has trampled on it!!
Yes, I did see your comments re the “diagnosis” being more irrelevant than the fact that they treated us badly! Thanks!
Hi Elsa, you state “I freeze on the inside ( fear/flight)” when you see him, this is NORMAL reaction when seeing a predator you would do the same if you saw a lion walking down the street (rightfully so!!). Your gut reaction is responding to what you have learned and now you see him exactly how he is a evil predator.
As children we are tapped into our fight, flight or freeze response modes this is why kids are so blunt with how they feel ie “mommy/daddy I am scared” but as adults we mix in social norms and protocols to be “nice” to others when in fact we should tune into our initial fight, flight, freeze response for any situation first. Look at the animal kingdom they do not stick around to say hey I wonder if that lion is a nice lion…nope they know to fly away or run away fast without analyzing the situation.
You DO NOT need a counselor to tell you if he is a sociopath or not…you have educated yourself and you know he is that is all you need. My first counselor told me that he could “not diagnose” my ex h (then h) but said he fix the mode for a sociopath, he then gave me the book Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown & I literally cried reading the whole book because I finally had my answer to my prayers with regards to trying to make my marriage work = It was never going to work because I WAS married to a sociopath.
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on following your gut reaction…it’s excellent and Gavin’s Book Gift of Fear is a must read for every woman on this planet!
Wonderful news about you taking in a foster child…that little boy is truly blessed to be welcomed into such a loving home with two kind hearted foster parents!!
Thank you! That is nice of you to say!
You know, that S has robbed me of my confidence but I am not going to let him beat me because that little boy has been. In my life for 8 years and a year ago he begged me to help him. He said ” can you be my stepmother because I just want someon to love me and take care of me”
The S cried when I told him that. I am not sure why now. I thought it was becasue he recognised my capacity to care for the child. Who knows???!!!
Back in August whn e S hurt me badly I began this journey of exploring. I did read about narcissism but at the time his madpsk had not slipped quite enough. I told him is he ever treated me like that again I would not even want to be his friend. He seemed genuinely upset! maybe I sealed my own fate that day??!!
I dint need anyone to convince me he is a S. His behaviour fits every criteria. I feel genuinely sorry for his wife. But, as my friend said, he is HER problem because she has put up with numerous affairs , all sitters of issues and she is still there! I am pretty sure she is once again in the idealisation stage with him again…… Soon to be devalued and discarded again, I expect!!
Meanwhile I will be doing a good job of loving and caring for a precious child!!, I ahe three grown up sons of my own…… Starting all over again!!! Lol
Jan7, I love your comment that Elsa’s reaction to seeing him is normal and exactly how we should react to an evil predator! It’s easy to think that’s not a way we want to react and we want to somehow “fix” or “get over” our reaction so that we don’t feel that way”but the reaction is 100% appropriate. You really put it in perspective!! I started reading The Gift of Fear last year and got sidetracked, I need to go back and finish it!
Sandra Brown’s book Women Who Love Psychopaths rocked my world. My copy is dogeared, full of post-its with notes, highlighted, and has many notations in different colors reflecting my healing and growth in understanding as I went back over key sections over time. I cried too, since I saw both myself and my ex on every page and it was like Sandra had seen the whole movie of our relationship. I literally carried it with me everywhere for months after first reading it and slept with it beside me. Although I haven’t looked at it in some time, it is always within easy reach. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Hi HanaleiMoon,
I think we move away from listening to our gut once we leave our parents home…we want to fit in & we want to be polite but when we dont listen to our gut we pay a big price later. My first impression of my ex h was he was a tornado, second time I met him I though he was crazy. But I looked around and he had so many friends that I though I must be interpreting my gut incorrectly along with the fact I had just moved to a new state for a new job & was lonely. All of these things allowed the sociopath to slide right into my life & destroy me everyday.
What I have learned:
1) NEVER ever weaver from your first gut reaction especially about someone you just met
2) The walls you have build up are a good thing…look at a Castle it has walls to protect the people inside and this is exactly what a person’s personal boundaries wall are in place for, protection.
3) Trust must be earned & it is OK to kick someone out of your life if you do not trust them or they do not prove they are trust worthy to be in your life. The sooner the better.
4) Do NOT give second chances to someone that lies once because they will lie twice with no problem
5) if you are lonely go to a pet shelter and adopt a loving pet vs finding a person when you are most vulnerable (when you are lonely).
Lol about how you read & reread your copy of Woman who love Psychopaths…I too read it over and over to everything sank in and opened my mind from all of my ex’s brain washing/mind control.
So glad that there are wonderful sites like LF to chat with others good people like yourself who are healing too it really does make a world of difference in the healing process.
Jan7, the points you list are really great, especially, never waver from your first impression!
I’ve mentioned before here how I worked with mine prior to becoming involved and generally considered him a weirdo (so did everyone, and I mean EVERYONE else). The first date or two did nothing to change that opinion, and added kind of a jerk. I mentioned to a friend who asked how it was going that I didn’t really like him that much. After that, he turned on the love bombing with a series of really nice dates designed to make me feel special. I remember every detail of an evening where I still just didn’t feel “right” and literally asking myself “what is wrong with you, he is handing everything you’ve been wanting on a silver platter”. The rest is history.
I would have avoided all this if I had honored my gut reactions to him.
HanaleiMoon, me too..my gut was telling me the truth right from the get go regarding my ex…my gut told me everyday that he was evil but I allowed him to talk me out of leaving him & away from my gut reaction mostly because he had mentally, emotionally & physically worn me down. Sad 🙁
Thanks Kaya. I am sure the week away will do me good, some winter sunshine and no threat of seeing him!!
I think that one comment from the therapist made me realise that, whilst his advice was good in general for normal relationship breakdown, it didn’t reflect any understanding of the turmoil I am experiencing,
Two weeks, six days to go until take off!!! I have loads to do, my feet won’t touch the ground .
I slept through the the night last night too for the first time in weeks!! X
Hanalei
I agree with you so much. What a lot of people don’t understand is that there is now way to “remain friends, co parent with a narcissust /sociopath”. There is no healthy way to do that. The only way back to our well being, our sanity android us to live a happy peaceful life , is to cut if all ties with him. I understand that this is very difficult when you share minor children. But if you don’t you have to let go if him. No you cannot get better if he is in your life. Like my ex pushed change on me that I never asked or prepared for. He prepared for his exit for years in secretive ways. It was no surprise for him to lose the house, the family, the pets, the life as he knew it. Because he had planned it out. Like someone on a military mission. I found lists in the house where he nicely seperated everything in his favor. Of course the court would not follow his little list.
It’s very easy for them to walk out because there was never an attachment , not even to children. And that’s why he was able to stay calm and cold. It didn’t hurt him. His answers “so what?” Showed it.
We can be so grateful that we remained strong.
Elsa
I think you sound much better. Sometimes it is hard to find a good therapist/counsellor. And like Hanalei said they usually don’t diagnose the 3rd party until they meet them. In my case my ex and I attended marriage counseling for 6 sessions. So about 6 hours. My counsellor knew exactly that my ex was a liar and a cheater. But of course it was her “duty” to try to save the marriage. Which she couldn’t because the ex already had one foot out of the door. It was a hassle for him to go. I am not sure why he went. But I think it was so he could put more blame on me. Later in he said “see I even went to counseling but you are too crazy “.
Once they decided to discard there is no way to change their mind. They view you as an obstacle. You are no longer feeding them the ego kibbles they like. You are “ugly and old and useless ” now. You are “dumb and pathetic”. That’s exactly how they view you. You must be replaced by better supply.
So take it as a blessing that you met this man. You learned about personality disordee that can’t be cured. Not with therapy, counseling or medication. We can only remove ourselves.
Enjoy your trip. I have been to lanzarote many , many years ago. Before I met this evil ex. It’s a beautiful place. Try not to think about him. It’s all wasted time.
My improve to is Certainly inconsistent but I m a lot better than I was. I slept through the night last night, hoping to again tonight!!
Jane doe
Yes, it’s all lies. I often questioned the motives behind his lies. He had everything. A great job, his health, a family, a beautiful home but it was not enough for him. Now, he has nothing but the minions. Maybe this is all he needs. His life revolved around sex anyhow, day and night. It got to be annoying. Even going to the beach, it was all about sex. He would start sitting at the beach “I am sure you are too tired for sex after this beach day “. Things like that. It really got on my nerves.
And yes, the pity card will come. Like my ex writing to me son “I cry when I think of you”. Really ? Does he honestly think we care if he cries? He left us in financial ruin after he changed all bank accounts , he had us in court and so on . And now he he has to cry. Wow. Sometimes I am just baffled . He wants us to feel sorry for him. Nice try.
Your ex will probably do the same. They don’t like to lose control or power over you. Once his little wife wont feed him his ego kibbles, he will cobtact you again.
I am glad I learned how to say “no more”. It’s a lesson I should have learned a long time ago.
Kaya, our situations were so similar. Mine had everything too – but it wasn’t enough for him either. At the top of the list of what both our ex’s had was US – good women who truly loved them.
My ex’s life revolved around sex too, and he made similar comments all the time. We’d have sex in the morning and within minutes he’d be reminding me that he would be wanting it again in the evening. He was constantly angry with me for not being able to keep my eyes open after a long day so that I could “take care of him”. On the rare occasion he’d give me a break, he’d be sure to make it clear I was expected to make it up to him the next morning. When I tried to, he’d reject me, saying he didn’t want it in the morning if he didn’t get it the night before. Then he’d use it as an excuse to be cranky and surly all day. Then in the evening, he’d remind me that it was my “fault” he’d been that way all day and say he knew I’d try not to let it happen again, hmmmm? It was all blatant manipulation for control and he intentionally kept moving the target.
Meanwhile, he was sleeping with who knows how many other women behind my back.
What a power trip. God bless his new wife. She will need it.
Hanalei
I came to know when my ex didn’t get his fix (sex, porn etc) by the way he was treating me. When he’d get it, he was happy and everything went along smoothly, when he didn’t, I’d be the target. I look back over the relationship and I know now when he’d had arguments with the other women that he’d take that out on me to…
HM…you won’t believe it, but your message about non-stop sex has me thinking about my first marriage. I never put two and two together before, but you described my first husband to a Tee! Only he was much more perverted that you described, things that are too humiliating for me to even admit to in this forum. My focus has been on my s-path; the one I moved away from. I hadn’t given any thought to my ex in 25 years, but your message has caused me to think about him and our perverted life together. My pattern for picking bad people may be deeper than i ever even realized…. I am glad that you put me on to a counselor. Anxiously awaiting my next appointment tomorrow….
Neveragain51, my ex was much more perverted than I described too, and believe me, I share your humiliation.
Thankfully, I don’t think about it much anymore.
What’s that quote? We did what we did when we didn’t know better and now that we know better, we do better.
xo
I never believed that ANYONE could share my humiliation….and I never realized until today that the problem could be much OLDER than I originally realized…involving multiple bad person choices rather than just one or two. It has been a long time since I thought about it, but it is good to bring it to the forefront of my mind for my counselor appointment tomorrow. And to realize that my coping strategies have not worked for longer than I initially realized…..I am so grateful to you and to all the wise ladies and men on this site. We have all lived through Hell and survived. We didn’t choose to learn this hard lesson in this manner, and we have either come down a long road of healing or are still traveling down that road. But we are doing it. Hurray for us!
You know, it is good that you don’t think about it anymore. Ruminating about something is not healthy or helpful in any way. However, at least in my case, when history is not fully acknowledged and process, it comes back to bite us in the ass again. I think, for me, I must and should think about it in a way that I see where I was weak and vulnerable so that I never do it again. I think I just shoved it down farther and farther in my gut, and I never really healed from it. So history just repeated itself.
Neveragain51, I agree that the history has to be fully acknowledged and processed. I am just to the point that to recall the details anymore is just beating myself up.
before i met mine he claimed to be a male whore”someone who wanted it all the time”when we first met, i couldn’t believe how exact the opposite he was. he was content laying in bed and just being next to one another”that was fine with me because i am not an oversexed person, i don’t want it ALL the time like he said he was like..
he must have thought telling me how he would want it continuously would impress me, when in fact it made me a little leery..even more leery when i saw he DIDNT want it all the time”
one thing comes to mind though, for a person who wanted it maybe every second day he insisted on making a video tape”when he met this girl who he is now married to, i mentioned here on LF, all the horrible things he would say about her. so he got the idea to video tape us together having sex, and during it speaking badly of her and calling her names”he said he wanted to do this to show her he was not in love with her but it was me he was in love with”THANK GOD i never did that video tape!!!
-he was never going to show her any videotape, he does not have the balls to do that”he wanted it for his own use, so he could watch it by himself and turn himself on”it all started making sense when this happened that he in fact was not an “male whore”..he only wanted it every couple days from me”.why???? because he was getting video tapes from women to turn himself on and he wouldn’t be able to perform as much as he said he would..it was all just to try to impress me into wanting him, which i believe may stem from his childhood when he was left alone and shifted from foster home to abusive relatives, he wanted to be wanted and by telling me he wanted sex all the time, he figured it would make me want him”
but how perverted is it to say he was going to show his “now wife” the tape of us having sex and saying bad things in the tape about her!!! i cannot figure out that part
janedoe, ick, I’m so glad you didn’t make the video!
My ex came up with the weirdest things, so many times I used to say what? What are you even talking about? Where does an idea like that even come from?
There were times right after the final discard that I wildly thought there must have been something about ME that made him think I wanted this weird, hurtful s**t. I had forgotten about this until just now, but a few months into therapy, my therapist told me that while there are people who crave and enjoy pain, there was nothing that gave her any indication that I was one of them. She said it was clear to her that I didn’t like or want or enjoy ANY of it, and the reason I had stayed so long was not that I subconsciously craved pain, but was that he had me so addicted to him that I was virtually incapable of getting away. She said that by discarding me, he had saved my life. I believe that.
Hanalei
How I know these comments you mentioned. I was always to feel “guilty” got not giving him enough sex. And if I didn’t he walked around sulking. At the end it was so overwhelming for me. I was always on edge. Did I givd him enough sex or not. And yes, he was having affairs behind my back and then made me feel guilty. I was thinking that his little minions will eventually look for a younger man, someone who can stay up all night and party, someone with more stamina. Because he is getting older and his so good looks will fade away. The one thing he had going for him, his nice income , is now cut in half. So he has only himself left. But that should be plenty as he is so much in love with his reflection in the mirror.
And you are so right. God bless your ex’s wife. She definetely needs it. Poor woman. I am so glad I don’t have to please my ex 24/7 anymore. That’s a big load of me. Sometimes I wake up and still cannot believe this new life I have. I can do whatever I please to do. Without him giving commands. I always felt I was a private in the army or later a criminal or an inmate under his command. Now I am free and so is my son. How blessed are we?
Kaya, we’ve talked before about how from this perspective, the good times weren’t really good at all, or if they were, it was all our doing.
The truth is, after the initial love bombing, where sex was loving and wonderful in order to hook me, sex with my ex was incredibly stressful and sometimes humiliating. It controlled some part of every single day, and ruined part of every single trip we took.
My ex used to tell me how lucky I was, to have a big d**k to suck first thing in the morning, when there were so many lonely women who’d love to be in my shoes. Little did he know, at that point I was jealous of those lonely women, but didn’t know how to break away.
As we’ve said, them discarding us was the best thing that could have happened to us.
Hanalei and never again
Oh was my ex perverted. Probably the most perverted man I ever met. And it got worse as he got older. One thing that was baffling is that he was so infatuated with his private parts. He needed constant confirmation about how good he is. And how good he looks. Like I said eventually he posted pictures for his co workers. Being a cop and doing this, is just unbelievable. He was lucky that the minions didn’t turn on him and got him in trouble for sexual harrassment. Who wants to receive nude pictures of co workers ? So sickening. And this man was 45 years old then. My sons college friends act more mature than this “family man”.
It’s a calming feeling for me not having to deal with this anymore. I used to find “evidence ” right before my nightshifts. Here I am shaking , racing heart beat and having to work all night. While he was doing who knows what. I sure don’t miss that. It was a very exhausting , tiring , depressing , sad period of my life. I don’t want to ever repeat that. By divorcing him I gave him the permission to be a pervert for the rest of his life. I am just not a part of this anymore. It’s the best decision I ever made.
Isn’t it calming? Every morning when I wake up in my fluffy bed with two kitties nearby, I am so happy to not have to deal with him, worry about what his problem is and try to fix it.
Ah yes….how lucky WE were to have been there to service THEIR needs in all of the preverted forms. I was initially very angry at the young woman that my first husband chose to replace me with. After 19 years of marriage to him, I had nightmares about beating her up every night for 10 years thereafter. Notice, I wanted to beat HER up, not him. I was angry at HER, not him. SHE took him, he didn’t RUN to her. I have been divorced now from him for 26 years. I now pray a prayer of thanks rather than nightmares of beating her up. SHE SAVED ME from him. My second husband is a good man, but I still allowed a relationship with yet another sociopath that continued my personal destruction so deeply that my husband and I had to move 1000 miles away. I think our good hearts convince us that we really CAN help people, when the truth is that we are unprepared for all the badness that is in the world.
Hanalei
I heard the exact same. I should be so lucky to have a husband with such a big ****. Exactly the same. There are so many women out there who would love to be in my place. Really ?
I think my ex would have never thought in a million years that I would file for divorce. He believed I was so addicted to his private parts that I would not do anything like that. Little did he know that at the end I was almost hating any physical cobtact with him. Because deep down I knew that he was seeing the cop co worker. It was very disgusting to even look at him. Discarding me was something he did to “show me what he is capable of”. Show me that he is on a mission to destroy me. Just the opposite happened , him and the minion saved my life. And this is how God works. Sometimes we don’t see the goodness of his plan right away. Now I can clearly see God worked in my favor.
Kaya, yes, they are so proud of themselves. The hardest I ever laughed in my life was when I talked to one of the women in his office who lost their job because of him. She was the one who never dated him and he had tried to expose himself to in his office.
She said that the women who had “dated” him in the office had compared notes and that although he was very proud of his equipment, their general consensus was that he had a penis the size of a child and she said well THAT explained why she hadn’t seen anything when he unzipped his pants.
Humor for the day.