UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Yes, I know what he has done to me too cheated on me with someone and I am sure he is with someone else too. I have a hard time resisting the hope kibbles bcs I want to believe that this really didnt happen to me. He had feelings for me I meant something. I shared at a meeting bcs no one knows that went on bwtwn us its like it never happened and its only in my head. At least when I confronted my family member he admitted is wrong. NP has never admitted any of it and its under the guise of a secret that he doesnt have to own up to.
Jenna: I feel your pain. I think about that myself. BUT You are amazing that you have gone 100 days wo contact. That is a huge accomplishment! I pray for those days.
I do not know how we heal from this. There will always be that pain. I have also hid out at my house for days while he was out living his life. But I haven’t done that in some time now. I have to make myself go and do stuff. Whether it is to go to the grocery or drive to my favorite beach and hear the waves crash on the shore. I have to compartmentalize him. Put it in a box and out of my mind for however long it stays there.
Some days are better than others. All I can do it take it one step, one day at a time.
Today’s goal is to not answer the phone if he calls. To not answer a text or email. If I can accomplish that goal today, I am one day closer to healing.
Jenna great job with NC. I wish I didnt care what my NP was doing. I also freedom15 dont know how to heal from this. I wish something just clicked in my brain and now i think differently. he would not define me and i wouldnt see his approval or validation. I realized last nite that my NP he was the only one my whole life that did the things I had always hoped i would have even though it was not good for me. I seem to forget I cried a lot and was sad and i was checking up on him and wondering what he was doing. always waiting for it to end. how is the conundrum even possible? These are the questions that go through my head each and every day. I try to let it go work it down and try anything and everything to get the maddness to stop. These NP and abusers know they have power over us and stop at nothing to use it. I already emailed him today looking for closure, closure i will probably never receive bcs he wont give it to me. I wish he would just say out loud or by text or email, no i dont want you anymore and i will not ever be coming back. that way i can grieve let go and work on healing myself. At this point bcs we cant tell anyone it is a secret that i hold and he uses against me. I am tired of pain being my best friend.
Inthemiddleofheartache, I know you know there will be no closure, and you are only torturing yourself and prolonging the misery by continuing to contact him in this way.
After 7 years together, you know mine abruptly walked out of my life less than three months after buying a house together. There was no closure there. In fact, the last sentence of the last email he sent me after the discard was the one where he said I had burned a lot of bridges with him, and he didn’t know where I could start to repair them, but maybe I’d come up with something. This open ended statement of non closure was carefully crafted to mess with my head – first of all, I had burned NO bridges with him, in fact, quite the opposite, but he was blaming me. Second, he left the door cracked by hinting that there was a way to get him back”and he knew those words would send me into overdrive, figuring out how to fix it, when he was dating multiple others and got married a short time later. Thank God him abandoning me in that house far away from home pushed me over the edge and I saw this manipulation for what it was and said ENOUGH. I am glad I did not give him the high of knowing he had me on a string like a puppet when he was off living life with his other women.
Also, just yesterday I wrote that mine made me feel as if he was offering me everything I had dreamed of on a silver platter, and it was only smoke and mirrors. I understand so well your thinking that he was the only one in your life who had done the things you had always hoped, but in fact, he did NOT, because he wasn’t free to be in a relationship with you, he cheated on you, he lied to you, and he let you think the plans you had made together were real when he had no intention of following through with them. He knew enough about your dreams that he could feed them to you – mine did this too. This is a fundamental truth you must accept to heal – you never had what you thought you had.
These men were only throwing us crumbs, and WE were the ones who saw a whole cake.
I am glad you say you are tired of pain being your best friend. It means you’re making progress. When you get tired ENOUGH, you will do what you have to do to get rid of it in a positive way. You will never get rid of the pain by continuing to try to get answers from him, and it won’t help you heal, it will only humiliate you. Think of the smug satisfaction that ass is getting, knowing how you’re hurting over him”he knows exactly what makes you tick. Show him he’s wrong. Be strong.
And your rite as well. he knows what makes me tick. I got the book from susan women who love psychopaths to help me maybe understand. I for some reason want to hold on to punish myself or i think somehow i can change this. I for some reason think too when he gives me the hope kibbles it makes me think differently and maybe its to distract me. I feed on it. I know what it does to me but I still want it. Its like justification or approval so i dont feel bad for what happened to me. Does everyone on here feel this way and sits in it and goes through the pain? I know some of us do but some i do see its a little easier. I laughed about the smug comment bcs that is how he is. I took such good care of him and he took all of it and left me none. I am trying to be strong promise it just hurts a lot.
Right, Hanalei, and FOR THOSE WHO CAME LATE TO MY MOVIE?
Mine sucked off my life for thirty years waiting for his FATHER TO DIE so that HE COULD INHERIT MONEY.
Once in hand? Once I figured out what had happened to MY money (bankrupt) and MY home (foreclosed on) and MY self (raped and had to pay the rapist, not to mention he is an UGLY BALD ROACH OF A MAN ???) —
DID I FLIP MY WIG??????????
I literally PAID TO BE SCREWED IN THE ASS!!!
NOT JUST FIGURATIVELY!!
I ACTUALLY SIGNED ON TO BE PREDATED and as I recalled it later on (MUCH later on, we are talking 1982 here, ok?) I PURSUED HIM.
??????????
I have wrapped my own hair around a Voodoo doll and stuck pins into various places —
and then wondered, gee howcum I feel like crap?
PLEASE EXCUSE MY FRENCH but TODAY I AM.
I love with you and FOREVER SO!!! —
In commitment — n/c
In the middle
God has a plan for you which you probably cannot see or understand yet. Like you I missed my ex husband so badly even though he was and is s very bad person. He never recognized or validated or emphasized the pain he caused his family. Like Hanalei I was blamed and discarded.
I know the pain you are experiencing, it is the same as the death of a loved one. Maybe worse as you will never get any closure . You have to accept the facts and not follow your emotions. The fact is that he went back to the wife. He made all of you “choices” and he was able to choose. How evil is that ? Even if you work together ignore him and make him your choice . Treat him cold and don’t worship him. You will a change you never imagined.
I picked a bible verse for you:
“Yes,though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I will fear no evil; for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me….”
Psalm 23:4
thank you for the verse. I do try and some days I do it better than others today is not so good. I get hope kibbles and i want so much to believe he has some good in him. Yes he went back to his wife and i would no longer pursue him or want him i just want some kind of closure that i will never get for what was done to me. Why did he lie to me about amanda, why did he go back to his wife and end it with me, why did he not share with me this stuff that was so important. I do remember spending a lot of time crying at work upstairs in the bathroom wondering how i was going to get through this. I had no idea what was coming down the line. Its like i continually suffer from several on going mini discards. I am raw most of the time and most of it is him. I know he is no good and i do see that no matter what I dont want someone who is married. then i think even if he left his wife again would it be for real and permanent. Its like i want to feel him close but at the same time fear him close to me. I want the pleasure back of being with him without the possiblity of suffering the pain again. This is a terrible way to live a life. in constant chaos and wondering what will happen next. I really do want this to stop and end and I am trying. I do have hope very little though.
Well, I got a healthy helping of hope kibbles just now. My NP just told me that he does not know if he will or can do anything with me again but then said if he could he would like to. I guess I am to stay on the hook. I thought that somehow I would feel better but I dont. he said to me that he can not empathize with my feelings as he has no feelings in that regard. He said that he is sometimes cant deal with anyone and does not like anyone sometimes. I said that I cant turn off my feelings and pretend that they are not there. He said that he does not feel that way and said he was sorry but can not empathize with me regarding those feelings. He said the only thing he cares about is his 2 girls and thats it. Is this a person who is a narcassist. am i reading and hearing this right with him? So to him he has no emotional connection and is nothing to him. Please someone confirm this with me. I need to hear it from someone elses perspective and opinion and im going to print it and keep it in my pocket so i can read it again and again if needed. Did i fall in love with a sociopath? Did i fall in love with a monster?
inthemiddle
i was away for a week last week and have had a lot to catch up on but am finally getting back on here more regularly so pls don’t feel you’ve been ignored…
in your recent situation i can say we know an s or n doesn’t empathize, its a good thing he has feelings for his two girls, but regardless of what he is, he is bad..i would most definitely take his warning and be completely turned off. thats all i would need to change my feelings..if he had given you some sort of possibility you would eventually be together (which would be a no no as well) it would make me hang on as well (and thats why i am here today because of false hope) even though to do that would be wrong. but being in our vulnerable position we would want to hold on because they are giving us hope..now the tables have turned, he has told you directly he is incapable of giving you anything, take this as a hint and move on…i would not under any circumstances want anything to do with him, after him saying that now especially, and look desperate by going after him after he has told you this. to me THAT IS CLOSURE enough!!!!
mine has NOT done this to me and perhaps its why we feel we “should” hold on, because they said this to us, because he has trained me to be weak and at his beck and call, because he is a liar and wants me to hang on in case his wife doesnt work out. if he told me he is unable, incapable of understanding me and can not empathize with me…that my dear, is a cut and clear sign that he is NOT willing to give you anything, even though he would like to…BULLS**T!!!
i am not saying to ignore him so he will come running back to you, BUT ignoring him is the right thing in this case…you don’t want to be involved with him and then perhaps he regrets leaving his wife, the mother of his children and tells you goodbye, yet again. a married man has ties to his family, whether he says so or not. he may not know what is right or wrong when he lies and cheats on his wife, but YOU know what is right, because you are a compassionate and normal human being..do not look weak and desperate by giving him the satisfaction of waiting or holding on, just in case he comes around. respect yourself and lose him, he has told you to do so…this is coming from a s or n no less. for once you can take his advice!
janedoe and inthemiddleofheartache
I read your posts and they fill me with such sadness.
I implore you to look at yourselves, your behaviors, your choices and realize that you are worth SO MUCH MORE.
You even state it yourselves!
What do you want???
You want a relationship that feels wonderful and without pain!
That is NEVER going to happen with the fellas that you pine for. IF they leave their wives and children (because nice guys do that kind of thing, right?), and they do chose YOU (yay!), you already know what your future will be. You see it because you know what they are doing behind their wives backs. THAT is the reality with these fellas.
I implore you to not be the kind of person who gets their happiness from a person who dumps their spouse and children… because at core, if that’s what you are waiting on, that’s what you become…
It’s a nightmare to come. You deserve to be cherished, nurtured, appreciated.
Please spend your HOPE and efforts on the kind of guy who will respect you, make you feel safe and secure, appreciate and looks forward to you and ONLY YOU, and expects you to be honorable towards him.
To get to this place where you are available for a decent fella (while you are pining for Mr Lowlife cheater dude, you are NOT available for Mr Decent Fella)… you do need to work on YOU. Why would YOU settle for heartache?
It is what I had to ask myself, and so did everyone who found themselves in relationship with a disordered, dysfunctional a*h*.
The path to happiness and joy is not found with a jerk, not found with a married man with children. I promise you, I freed my ex to be with all the women he wanted, and NONE of them got what they wanted, they just got all the heartache that came with HIM. Remember, SHE might be gone but HE’s is STILL the same a*h* who cheats and lies and scams.
Try to focus on being someone who would never settle for the disordered A*’s of the world. That kind of self regard is VERY attractive to a Decent guy.
NWHSOM, I agree with all of this! You are SO right!
At it’s very simplest, the discussion doesn’t even need to go into the weeds of is he a sociopath or not. It should start at he is married, and thus not available to me for anything”and end there.
We can be our own worst enemies. Inthemiddle is inthemiddle of hell on earth working with that ass and I’m not sure she will be able to get any sort of recovery or peace if she doesn’t leave that job and get away from him. It’s too hard the way it is.
NWHSOM
you’re a very kind person to have so much compassion, thank you.
I don’t want you to think i am pining over my s. there are times yes, I miss him and perhaps I don’t comprehend certain things as to why he has done things. I sometimes want the reassurance that he’s wrong and what I’m sometimes feeling is wrong, but for the most part I’m reassured by everyone here, no contact and time away from him that he is poison. I admit I get nostalgic from time to time.
When I write advice to some of the girls most lately inthemiddle, I see how she feels because it was just a few short months ago this all happened to me. In no way would I want to be or accept being with my ex now that he’s married or even if he left his wife. I am aware of once a cheat and liar, always will be one. But sometimes those “fake” good times dominate the toxic times. Thy are becoming much less for me as I am further along than inthemiddle so I feel I can try to give a but of advice and hope it helps her. At the same time by hearing her story makes me realize how similar it is to me and it is an eye opener. You have been a true example, as well as everyone here, but you’re further ahead of me, but I believe I’m 80% there compared to a few short months ago. So although your advice is great, know that you aren’t speaking for nothing and it’s done wonders for understanding this disorder…I do believe I’m moving ahead and not falling behind and would not want a married man regardless his situation..especially the one I have dealt with.. Thanks for your wise word 🙂
inthemiddleofheartache, he is telling you who he is. He is someone who does not have empathy. He is someone who has no feelings in this situation. He is someone who has said, directly, that the only thing he cares about is his two girls, not them first, but only them. He is someone who doesn’t care if you suffer and put your life on hold while he goes about his business without you.
You can label him a Green Coconut and it wouldn’t change the fact that he has hurt you, used you, and has no remorse. He feels nothing. He does not care for your suffering. In my book, that is a sociopath, but really, be honest – do you need a label?
If you conclude that you are not qualified to definitively diagnose him as a sociopath does that mean you should hang on and hope? I don’t think one of us here on LF has had a partner who has been clinically diagnosed. But when you hear hoofbeats, you think horses.
I don’t see hope kibbles in what he told you. I see more evidence that he’s using you and doesn’t care. Heck, he told you directly he doesn’t care how you feel.
He is working to garner your sympathy and pity”so you will want to come to his rescue since you will want to help him feel. This is to be expected. It’s just part of the script. Sandra Brown will tell you that.
Yes, you fell in love with a monster. He has all the trappings of a sociopath, plus he is married. That alone should be enough to make you run the other way. Please don’t torture yourself by believing his clever word salad that was designed to keep you there, pining for him and feeding his ego while you get nothing and the days of your life slip away.
I got this through on my daily bulletin today!! Very apt!
This is such a roller coaster
I had a bad night last night! Struggling today!
Thursday: 1 Samuel 17:1-51. Consider: Before facing Goliath, David left his supplies behind (v22) and took off Saul?s armour. What do you need to leave behind so that God can gain the victory over the giants you face?
In the middle
We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not . This evil guy does not acknowledge how his behavior has hurt you, he denied he is the problem. The no contact is the only voice he will ever hear. Please listen to nots great comments all of our advice here. Not one of us ever stated that it was a mistake to start no contact. Instead we all survived and got better.
Believe me , after a while of no contact, something amazing will happen . I woke up one day with a new sense of clarity, my thoughts supporting me instead of harming me. I felt liberated , freed and victorious. Yes, he was able to take my house and my car and whatever. There is one thing he can never take away from me and that’s my control. The power of the no contact is so much more than a house or a car. And take my word. As a wife who got cheated on and lied to, I have this advice for you. If he lied to his wife and children he will definetely lie to you. Do you really want a person who is capable of doing this to their families? Do you really want someone who has absolutely no morales or respect ? Please think not with your heart. Think rationally.
HM…I just LOVED the mind pictures that you used….that you can label him a green coconut and that wouldn’t change things….that none of us writing here have a diagnosis from a professional that partners were sociopaths….and finally, that when you hear hoofbeats you think horses! How much more clear can that be? I know that it is very helpful for me! And I want to share something that I was told in my second therapy appointment yesterday because I suspect that it applies to all of us. I was talking to him and questioning myself and whether or not I have any good qualities because I have fallen into the same trap repeatedly….my therapist said that I have a heart as big as the ocean. I think we can all realize that we ALL have hearts as big as oceans because we got into this mess not for our OWN benefit but because we were trying to help someone. And we stayed longer than we should have because we believed in the basic goodness of people. We ALL have hearts as big as the ocean! Know it and believe it.
Neveragain51, you are so right that we have big hearts. We have done nothing wrong.
I am afraid for inthemiddle because I have been there. The fact that she works with him has her trapped in this nightmare. I know from my own experience and years of therapy that you can’t get a toehold if you don’t give your mind a break so you can have a rational thought. As long as she is working with him, he will not allow it.
During my 7 years with my ex, he regularly discarded me for short periods of time, and boy, did I suffer. Even so, when he was out of the picture, even briefly, people noticed and commented on positive changes in me (even if they had no idea what was going on in my life). The last time he discarded me before the big FINALE, it was for a few weeks, and even I noticed I was feeling better about life, lighter, more positive, happier. Then, he came back. A coworker commented to me that she hadn’t said anything, but she could tell he was gone, and could see how much happier I was, and that she knew right away when he had come back into my life, because the change in me was instantaneous, and she wished I hadn’t let him back in. Sometimes, we are in it so deeply that we can’t see the forest for the trees and discern anymore what is in our own best interest.
We all have to walk our own paths through this horror. It cost you over $100k in cash, and it did me as well. It cost us both our confidence and belief in ourselves. The losses on this site could fill a universe. In order to recover, we have to separate ourselves from the one thing we think we cannot, and suffer the withdrawals, just like a drug addict in detox. For me, weekly therapy was essential. But to recover and live again, we need to say this is ruining my life, ENOUGH. I learned that I needed to do anything and everything I could to save myself, no matter how difficult.
I know how next to impossible it is to quit a job you think you can’t quit, because I did it. After the final discard, I was left alone and unemployed in a city where I knew no one, and I found what was on the surface a great job. It was not great. In fact, in the course of a year, it became an issue almost as big as the discard, because I was targeted for harassment, and management condoned and even participated in it. This job was my lifeline in more ways than one”a link to the outside world, a paycheck to continue to pay the house payment he had left me with, a (I thought) way back to self respect. It was killing me. After a few months of this, my therapist was straight with me and said I had to get out for my own well being. I didn’t do it that minute, but I did within a couple of months, because she was right – the job was destroying me.
Sometimes we have to do things that we think we can’t in order to save ourselves. I pray that inthemiddle will find the strength to act on the belief that SHE is more important than anything and everything else in her life. I am a graduate of the “but I can’t” school, and I am here to say, “but you can, and you must”.
Hi, everyone. I printed out all of your responses to carry with me so I can re read them when I start to get weak. I am working with another therapist who deals with NP’s and deals with divorce care and is working with me to come up with a game plan. I am also getting a doctor to get on some type of meds to help work this down for me. I will be out of the marital home in a month and half so she wants to see how i am being in a new place how it works with me. I saw her last nite and told her what he said to me yesterday. So many of you commented that I got closure. I did. sadly i did. I dont think i wanted to tell myself this really happened bcs this means i cant change it and i have to see if for what it was. it hurts hurts real bad. Before i got the “answer” he gave me a hug yesterday. I guess that was in preparation for the big talk. I am not quite sure how i feel today. thank God he is off today and tomm so i wont see him but the hurt is as wide as the ocean. I read what people were saying abt how we are as people and I am. I never dealt with all of the trauma that has happened to me my whole life. I never identified and saw what occured and being alone most of my life kept me where i was. I am in therapy, group, divorce care group to try to work this all out. I do want to leave here. I dont like seeing him anymore here. it hurts hurts bad. I hope that it does get better bcs i dont know what i would do as i have been here 21 years.
Dear In the Middle,
I have been unable for reasons of my own, to read your posts and am sorry to have been unable to participate.
However, having briefly glanced at this last one and especially the last line?
In the Middle? I AM OUT AFTER THIRTY THREE YEARS. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE!!!!! YOU ARE!!!! AND IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!!!
Please don’t just print this out, STAMP IT ONTO YOUR FOREHEAD!!!!
You are so dearly loved, needed and appreciated by us all. THINK WHAT A HEALER YOU WILL BE some day. This experience? is meant to teach us something and SOMEDAY — SOMEDAY!~!!!!!! — you will give a lecture and the title of it can be
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL IN THE MIDDLE.
xox N/Contact
Let me add also, Middle —
THAT LECTURE ROOM OF YOURS?
WILL BE FILLED.
FILLED TO THE BRIM.
This experience is a universal form of anti-social behavior and my heart sinks for my 30 and 27 year old daughters, going ahead. WE MUST MAKE A BETTER STATEMENT THAN THIS about being human beings.
Having seen our partners do things we COULD NEVER IMAGINE DOING??
It is UP TO US to ACT in some better way.
MY HEART IS WITH YOU — and POUNDING WITH STRENGTH THAT I AM SENDING TO YOU…. and RIGHT NOW.
If it’s cold and snowing where you are? take a moment to feel the warmth of my Love.
YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, you DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
And GUESS WHAT???? NONE OF THE REST OF US DID EITHER!!! We THOUGHT we were having a real experience with real live people —
AND THEN WE LEARNED OTHERWISE.
How could this possibly be our fault? Kaya’s fault, your fault, or any of the other wise and devoted, caring voices posting on these pages? and endlessly it seems, on this particular topic that is of such ANGUISH to us all.
But after printing out all that stuff, Middle? READ THOSE VOICES and ASK YOURSELF?
DID THESE PEOPLE DESERVE FOR THAT TO HAPPEN?
OF COURSE THEY DID NOT !!!!!!!
SO NEITHER DID YOU.
Love and a BLAST OF HOT REALITY!!! it feels GOOD for a change, I hope — from No Contact
NoContact,
Your last 2 messages, although meant for Inthemiddle, made me cry. Or at least I cried as many tears as I have left today.
Thank you for your words that come from your heart. I can feel your words. Words that ring so true. I feel your truth, your pain, your healing, your resilience.
So unlike the words of THEM. Words, words, words…..you know the drill.
Thank you NoContact. I’ve followed for so long and am happy for how far we have come. I need to believe the most difficult experiences create the greatest growth.
Dear This Too —
YES — IT SHALL.
BLESS YOU, DEAR!! xoxx N/c
Dear EVERYONE POSTING, please read these words.
This is not the first website that I have participated on, and upon which I have written just exactly these words to other posters in DEEP NEED of RELIEF.
I would like to ask you — just for a moment, please — to step OUTSIDE of yourselves with Empathy for these other posters — as we wish our Victimizers would do for us. IMAGINE THESE WORDS and what I will type next, and in the FREEDOM OF PERSPECTIVE, see your Life Experience in Context instead of an OVERWHELMING EXERCISE designed just to exhaust you personally.
First, here are the words themselves, ok:
you DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
DEEPLY NEEDED, BY PARENTS (MOST OFTEN MOTHERS) OF CHILDREN WITH TRISOMY 18, A GENETIC BIRTH DISORDER THAT IS “NOT COMPATIBLE WITH LIFE.” Some babies survive until birth (most often female) but every cell within them, has a third 18th chromosome.
It is the most common genetic disorder (that Nature does not miscarry earlier on) second only to what we call Down’s Syndrome, in which a third 22nd (I believe) chromosome is in every single cell — but their physique is not typically affected in a mortal way. In contrast, mothers bearing children diagnosed with T-18 are encouraged to abort at late stages and are often in a state of “being judged by society” by God, by themselves AND BY THEIR PARTNERS, parents, church officials and community members — NO MATTER WHAT CHOICE THEY MAKE.
Do they seek urgent cardiac surgery? is this a form of torture, or of healing? In every instance, the only answer is
YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO CAUSE THIS.
YOUR ABILITY TO SURVIVE IT — IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT IS PAST, YOU CAN ONLY GO ON.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!!!!! THAT IS A STEP BACKWARDS.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the very same thing. Would you kick your own ass for having a birth defect?! OR WOULD YOU TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS if you KNEW it was the sort of thing from which YOU COULD RECOVER????? YOU CAN!!!!! Now say ALOUD,
I AM NOT DEFECTIVE, BUT A HEALTHY NORMAL HUMAN BEING as I WAS BEFORE I MET THIS NUTCASE — AND I WILL SURVIVE THIS ATTACK. It is an ILLNESS and a DISEASE that SOMEBODY ELSE has. It is NOT something that I INFLICTED ON SOMEONE ELSE.
I DESERVE TO RECOVER — AND DAMMIT< I WILL. For all the poor women, children and men who have had to deal along with me?!! — I can do this. For THEM. And FOR ME because THE SAME IS TRUE OF ME TOO. I'm A DAMNED GOOD PERSON and I DID NOT DESERVE THIS CRAP.
Then, go out and have your nails done, and I sure hope you are a lady or have a REALLY good sense of humor.
xox EMPHATIC LOVE !!! from N/C
I love you, Hanalei.
You are Some Woman.
May I quote you back, please?
I am a graduate of the “but I can’t” school, and I am here to say, “but you can, and you must”.
Aw, thanks NoContact! You were on quite a roll yesterday, and all of it so good!!
HM, thanks for your response. To everyone, please believe that we got ourselves into this mess BECAUSE we are good people with big hearts and for no other reason. Our big hearts helped to show our vulnerability to the predators of the world; those people who have no heart…people who pretend to be in our corner but have nothing real to offer. My therapist yesterday said that words are just words are just words – they cost the speaker nothing and can be used at will to create whatever havoc the speaker intends. He fired one client, a teenage boy, who came to him to brag how easy it was to cry and lie to young women for his own pleasure, he even WINKED at the therapist while he was talking – and my therapist has a teenage daughter. The evil in front of him was just too much for him to react professionally. And once we know that someone has lied to us…rest assured that they WILL lie again. It just becomes too easy for them…even if the truth is easier and a better story. It is just MORE FUN to lie and watch us squirm in the net. Well, I too am still in the net but tearing a hole through with my teeth to escape forever. Her words are having less and less impact on me, thank God above! I wish I could say to those of you who feel stuck in your job or city that there are other jobs in other cities, and that a move might be the healthiest thing for you. But I am not qualified to say that; however strongly I feel it. Moving away has been one of the healthiest things that I could have done. My husband calls it “running away,” but like HM says – put whatever label you want on it as long as it is helpful. And not seeing her or have her be able to track me down is priceless. It has given me the space to sort out my thoughts without distraction of her. I left my family in the city to move 1000 miles away, but I had to choose what was healthier for me. She is still trying, and she sounds as convincing as always, but I am not responding and remember HMs advice that a bad life and bad treatment is all that needs to be acknowledged, without having a professional label to attach to it.
Your husband calls it “running away” and I’ve always had the notion that running away is a bad thing. It took me over 50 years of life to realize that in some cases “running away” is not only the best thing to do, it’s the ONLY thing to do. As in “I’m running away from that bear who is about to eat me!”
Oh, the heartache I’d have saved myself if I’d have been a selfish girl (as opposed to selfless) and run away from quite a few things over the years!
Years ago, I was accepted into a world renowned program in a world renowned university in my major of choice. It was all I’d wanted! It didn’t take long for me to figure out I was a fish out of water, I didn’t have the talent in my major I thought I had, and I’d never make a living doing this. I toughed it out for 3 semesters before I had to admit to myself I was miserable and needed to GET OUT. Reluctantly, I talked to my advisor and changed my major to something most of my units would apply to, and amazingly, I found my niche, which lead to a very successful career in something I didn’t even know existed two years earlier. My advisor gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever had: there is no shame in giving up a dream that is no longer working for you.
Running away can also be seen as running toward. Toward happiness. Toward health. Toward freedom. Toward ourselves.
Neveragain, you sound like a completely different person from your first few posts!! I love it!!
Hanalei
I love you statement “running away towards a better life “. So true. I also gave up and ran away when I filed for divorce. I know he discarded me but I put an end to this entire sham of a marriage. I ran away towards my safer, sanity, freedom and happiness. And he cannot take this way from me ever. He can have his minions but what I have is so much more. And also most importantly I have the love of my son. And that’s priceless.
In the middle
Glad to hear you are getting professional help. I can only imagine how difficult it woukd be to work with my ex. I probably could not do it. I did not even look at him in court. I hope you will come out of it as strong as some of us here. Believe me life will be awesome once you are out of his “strings “. Let him get a new puppet to play his games.
This too….Words, words, words…lol! I would say that to him when he would tell me something that he knew I wanted to hear. After his statement, I would say “words, words, words”. All talk and no action…well not the action I wanted. Always on his terms.