UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
NoContact….Thank you for making me smile! 🙂 I am printing that out! Going to read it and begin to live it.
Jenna, I DO have an answer to THAT question.
Tell your friends and family to shut the fuck UP.
And here NoContant has said so many things that resonant with me today and wouldn’t you know? DAMMIT (BAM) I broke NC!!! He contacted me, I contacted him back. So tired of the crazy making and blaming. What the hell was I thinking????
In the middle of the conversation I actually threw my phone on the floor and wanted to stomp on it. It’s new, so I kept that in mind. 🙂 Thank God it has a heavy case. I did eventually pick it up to hang it up.
That’s cool, ThisToo, it was just a single cigarette, you’re OK so long as you don’t go out and buy a whole pack.
Just start again, it’s OK. Each time you put one in your mouth you will taste what “a drag it is” and next time, you WILL resist.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, in fact this is how you will un-Pavlov your dog, ha ha.
Thanks, NoContact. I did talk to him again after that. I’m being hard on myself today for putting me through this torture. It’s get’s worse every time. I’m going to remember how it felt to be sobbing in a ball on my kitchen floor, all the while him being cold and mean. I’m going to remember what it feels like when I’m that down and don’t feel like eating and how unbalanced my body/mind are when I don’t eat. I know I can kick this habit. I’ve actually done it before. In time.
According to him, I’m abusive, I twist things, I live in my own reality, I am crazy, this is all on me. I know he’s projecting. Knowing he is projecting isn’t making his words easier to take.
Here is a man that has showered me with “love”, a man that is a liar, a man that says he wants me back (I haven’t caved on that one!) so that I’ll talk to him, and then I talk to him and he cuts me down over and over and makes me the crazy one. He sure does have an interesting idea of what “love” is. Oh that’s right, he has no clue what it is and doesn’t care.
I’m tired of his sick intentions. He makes me sick.
Thistooshallpass, my ex pulled the abusive card on me too. Yep. He put it in writing, in an email. I think his words were something to the effect of “I’m not avoiding you, I’m f’ing HIDING from you because I needed to protect myself from your abuse, you need to google “borderline personality disorder” because you have it”.
Projecting is right.
I showed that email to both my attorney and therapist and was advised to not respond to it, or anything else that came from him, that he was setting me up. That was the last time I started NC, and I have never broken it to this day.
It’s frustrating. I’m so over his crap. At least now I know what he’s telling everyone. To make matters worse my responses to him are horrible — I go between angry and pathetic when I talk to him. If an outsider weren’t aware of what he was doing and listening in, I bet they would definitely think I’m the crazy one! Such a horrible feeling.
I’m glad you’ve stayed away and haven’t broken NC. Your ex was definitely setting you up. Mine is definitely up to something, although we’re not married and have no children so in a way, if he’s going to try and ruin my reputation then so be it. At least I’ll have me and my dignity. If I stay NC that is!
Of course an outsider would think you are the crazy one, because they set it up that way!
I was either angry or pathetic too. That’s another reason to not respond – then there’s nothing for them to twist.
My ex was scared of me”yeah, right. That’ll be the day.
HanaleiMoon,
How do people even buy into what these men say? He was afraid of you?? Ass.
It’s crazy to me that people believe that we’re the crazy ones. I feel like I’ve lost so much and so many because of his charm and crazy making ways. In a short amount of time, too. It’s baffling to me.
48hrs into NC and I’m already feeling better and more like myself. He damages my psyche so much when I talk to him. The man I loved is dead to me. I’m taking a stand for me and my self worth from now on. Regardless of the losses….I’m the most important. This is MY life.
This Too, I really think this is how we un-learn to love them so unlike some other posters, I think there is a BENEFIT to seeing them from time-to-time at first (just after finding out, in other words) for the following reasons:
1. Your mind cannot accept that it happened so over time, you think you Made It Up which after all, is what they have been telling you.
2. By seeing them, you see that you DID NOT MAKE IT UP!! and also, in their expression you can see that THEY ARE MAKING IT UP. This is a method of healing, like holding up a mirror to your face zit or looking what is under your sock that feels like a really nasty blister (it is). If you don’t look? how ya gonna treat it, decide to leave it alone, cover it with Revlon, or never go out again?
3. It is unreasonable to expect your Heart to really DETACH just because YOU know that it should. I have skied a lot because of where I live, and I KNOW FOR A FACT!! that our body parts do not always behave our Will. Why, I personally have looked down and wondered wtf is going on with my feet, for instance! I told them to stop a long time ago — and now the only thing between me and that cliff? is my ASS that I am GOING TO PLOP DOWN INTO THE SNOW. This is why we look like that, coming down the slope, ha ha.
4. It is OK to fall OUT of love, the same way that we fell IN.
With love from N/C
Jenna — YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!
This person has already committed a civil assault on you. He put pressure (or whatever) on your injured and in-recovery neck.
THE FACT HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW?? honey, he is punishing you for oNOT leaving messages on his facebook at this point.
I totally recognize what he is doing and would point out: he has some assets. You are not married to him. What you take from him does not deplete your children’s own estates.
HE IS BREAKING CIVIL LAW AS I UNDERSTAND IT THROUGHOUT EVERY SINGLE STATE IN THE COUNTRY. He can be sued for this. I could have sued my Ex …. but what would be the Point in THAT, right?
You are not in the same position but Jenna, YOU ARE IN THE SAME POSITION if you get myu meaning, and to be blunt about it, I was FUCKED. It started JUST EXACTLY! and I mean EXACTLY !!!!!!!! the way that you reported what he recently did.
Tell a LAWYER that your COUNSELOR thinks you are being CONTROLLED by someone else? AND HE WILL SAY REALLY ?????? AND WHO IS THAT PERSON ???????
This is what you’re already entitlted to under the law and you sure would not make me give birth without your assistance, in the parking lot, right? NOPE. He has already make your family think you are weird AND YOU ARE NOT. Rather I’ve sort of comeo to “acceept” (forgive the spelling, my computer has been the victim of many attacks by my Dyson vacuum and I don’t even turn the poor thing off, in fact many keys have been sucked off, ha ha ha) — anyway, I’ve come to ACCEPT that my family members are all under a form of hypnosis, and I would point out that we must have been as well.
No lawyer is going to be hypnotized by that behavior, Jenna. At least you will get a strongly worded letter and a suggestion that you CALL THE COPS. Not to mention that TRO that you are also entitled to, and get this dear —
In many states? if you tell the Court what you have told us??? that is a stalking and domestic violence abuse restraining order, and under federal law? no more firearms, no more fishing license in this state anyway, no more jobs that allow one into a home without inquiry ….. in other words? you can affect HIS life, as he has YOURS.
Again please let me point out that since I have daughters with the perp, my “hands have been tied” and that is why he let me (as he probably viewed it) breed.
XOXOX be strong, Jenna! don’t empower him BY GIVING HIM PERMISSION. If you LET THIS SLIDE ????? I don’t want to KNOW what will happen next.
BOY IF ONLY !!!!! I COULD RE-DO THAT FILM!~!~!!! you have no idea, I have ended up getting raped by the MF AGAIN !!! CAN I BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING? NO !!!
Jenna writes: Not really sure.
No Contact (at 62) writes: I AM. I AM PROBABLY NEARING THE AVERAGE GREAT-GRANDMA AGE THESE DAYS AND I HEAR YOUR STORY A LOT DIFFERENTLY THAN YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS.
CALL ME THE FAIRY GODMOTHER, I DO BELIEVE YOU!! AND I AM SCARED FOR YOU AS WELL. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PINING AWAY FOR YOUR PENIS AND IF YOU DON’T? HE WILL HATE ON YOU. THEN HE WILL START TO TURN YOU OFF AND HOW< AND THE LOOK OF REVULSION ON YOUR FACE WILL INCITE HIM INTO DOING WHAT HE WANTED ALL ALONG:
TO ACT OUT UPON YOUR BODY AND IN YOUR MIND< HIS ANTI-SOCIAL HATRED OF WOMEN. IT IS SOMETHINGN THAT AT LEAST DONNA TAUGHT ME HERE< HA HA, NOT TO MENTION ALL THE BELOVED VOICES OF MY FRIENDS INCLUDING YOURSELF.
CALL THE COPS NOW. CALL THE ATTORNEY MONDAY. DON'T TELL YOUR FAMILY, THEY WILL SAY YOU ARE MAKING TOO MUCH OF A DEAL. NO CONTACT HERE SAYS: HONEY< RAPING YOU IS A VERY BIG DEAL.
xox n/c
Jenna, he is not provoking you, he is THREATENING YOU.
Let me ask you something that i think is what a lawyer will ask you.
Do you feel Provoked?
Oro do you feel Threatened by that person?
I would merely observe from the objective perspective? that you do not sound like the sort of person? who would sign onto a website….. because she feels…..
PROVOKED?
Jenna, I can’t think of any other reason for the letter than to provoke you. He’s irked because he isn’t getting a rise from you anymore. He likely thought the first thing you would do when you got the letter was contact him somehow and say, hey, I haven’t contacted you for 3 months! Joke’s on him.
My attorney charges $250 an hour. Between a conversation to initiate a letter and to write the letter, it would cost me about $175. Unless he’s got money to burn, that’s a lot to pay for a letter that has no basis whatever.
Keep doing what you’re doing, document as necessary (like when you say him on your street) and keep your wits about you.
Jenna, I’d like to comment also, on your Motives and Objectives insofar as contacting those other women.
You are a nurse.
How much comfort do you feel, inside yourself as a professional person, abouto leaving that person Out There to predate others?
Exactly.
Not at all, in fact you can hardly sleep.
Totally dude, call the cops and call the lawyer, then do what you are told. You’re a nurse and not a doctor, please don’t keep treating yourself. Nobody who sodomized you while injuring your just-treated neck should be running around, and while the DA may not give a darn because there is so much more on his or her plate? a lawyer will, I imagine, ask you…
WTF? someone HURT YOU? and now won’t LEAVE YOU ALONE?!
Again, keep in mind that in my case, as soon as I add, “he is my kids’ dad” their eyes will fill with Understanding, so I’m sure you know how that factor affects me over here….
Oh Jenna….
Imagine being “in the position” of viewing your own sweet pretty daughters ….
as handcuffs.
🙁
I hope you make that call because the domestic abuse people were sure right when they told me (too long ago to admit to y’all) that he would NEVER STOP.
JENNA in reading over your last message, I even see the HOOK being stated VERBATIM, that will become the Obsession of your life if you do not MAKE HIM STOP NOW.
Here it is, and you have innocently said it upfront.
What’s he going to do now?
And oh yeah, I’m sure he just got lost, driving around your place.
uh-huh.
I am glad you did not have a date’s car outside.
Please do call the cops and at least tell them the facts. You had a date, he got weird, now you’ve got a letter from a lawyer that is off-base, and you have spotted him driving by your home.
As I said…..don’t tell your family. I have learned that is a mistake. Don’t take it personally! and I will try not to as well. How’s thjat for a bargain? I’ve really suffered over it but NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!
instead, it is best you call the cops each timei and PROMPTLY!! another sad lesson learned the hard way. that atty letter? spying him driving around? please report that, you don’t have to say you know why it strikes you as weird — just that it happened. LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHETHER IT BOTHERS THEM or NOT.
As for the CIVIL ATTORNEY? they will be bothered.
Jenna, the HOOK is that at some (very CLOSE) point, you will be unable to think about anything except what he is going to do next.
He will accomplish this by occasional hit-and-run attacks.
Like ledtters that accuse you of not paying him enough attention. And then driving around, to make you wonder just as you stated — jhow many other times that he had.
It is called domestic abuse stalking and I think you seem like a pretty certain victim. He is punishing YOU for not paying ATTENTION TO HIM. It is a lethal sort of attack and all your symptoms? they suggest a covert stalking, please LOOK IT UP and see if you fit the picture of a covert stalking victim.
Meanwhile? the police department is indispensable insofar as at least being a place to Deposit your record of concerns. OK so at this point they are not HORRIBLE concerns? ah honey….they will be….that is what Rape is. And they do NOT need that piece of anatomy to do it.
Thanks NoContact. Your message really puts things into perspective for me. Especially the zit analogy! I also see the benefits at times and have actually thanked him for his mean behavior on occasion because he helps put it in perspective for me. He doesn’t like that at all. No more thanking him for that because I will not have contact!! The last time we were in contact I told him he was dead to me. Hopefully that will be enough to convince him I don’t want him back!
This healing process is so difficult. Not to mention I have past demons I’m dealing with as well. Like so many others on here….
Nocontact
Your advice to Jenna regarding the hook is perfectly timed for me. This morning, while reading through all the posts from the weekend, I’ve been wondering what’s next? If I’ve blocked all avenues of communication, changed my number and sent back his mail unopened then what is the creepy psycho stalker going to do next?…
Under, I hope you do not hesitate to report your stalker. That is what I have learned.
I believe with all my heart, that the OW involved in the breakdown of my longtime marriage was stalked literally to death. I have been writing on this board a long while, reporting that my spath ruined our marriage over a woman who did not want him in return and that this had inspired MUCH ANGUISH all around and created a specially unique and very dangerous dimension to my story. Sure enough! her family says (she was stabbed to death, the crime is still unresolved, not to mention there was also a child killed in that attack) HE KEPT HITTING ON HER and SHE DID NOT WANT HIM.
EVERYBODY OUT THERE! if you are being STALKED instead of just FEELING BAD??? report your stalker and SAVE A LIFE that is just as important as your own, and specifically the OTHER PEOPLE AROUND THAT SPATH THAT YOU PERSONALLY KNOW, THAT YOU HAVE REASON ENOUGH TO BELIEVE, IS A MENACE TO SOCIETY.
Nocontact
That story actually crossed my mind but I couldn’t remember where I’d heard it before… have you voiced your suspension to the police? It might just be the information they are looking for – not sure if you can give it privately where you’re from but we can over here, we can be known as an informant only.
You are right! And my instincts are cheering along with you so I’ll go after lunch and speak to the police about it, just don’t know how it will affect the bail conditions when he’s charged so need to discuss options.
Thanks again x
under — it will not come as much of a surprise to people posting here who are married to law enforcement officers?
when I say that the police officers HELP HIM STALK ME.
Please do be safe! and know, I’m way jealous of ya down there. 🙂
Also Under/Radar, part of the reason I have been so emphatic lately about everybody making police filings?
Is that THEN THEY INFO is on them if something worse happens. AND NOT ON YOU.
The question marks in my mind….? since those murders…?
I CANNOT ACCUSE HIM AND I DO NOT !!! of anything MORE than spending time with a woman who was not ME, while he was married TO ME. What those people were doing???!!!
HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO.
The fact I eventually “felt associated” with some horrible crime? ONLY GOES TO SHOW THAT THE SAME CAN HAPPEN TO US ALL. A deranged person is like a rotten tooth. When you get up in the morning, IT IS NEVER BETTER, it can ONLY GET WORSE!!!!
and it will.
All any dentist can do is Buy Time and for some ladies out there today? it will run out t-o-d-a-y on the LUXURY that we call LIFE.
Under, another thing I have learned — in address to your concerns about bail?
STOP GIVING A CRAP WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM.
MAKE THAT REPORT AND GIVE IT VOLUME WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!!!! and guess what ???
When you wake up tomorrow, that tooth will finally start to heal.
It’s gone.
You gave it to the dentist and that is where it belonged. LET HIM LOOK AT IT!! he’s a sadist like all OTHER dentists, right?
ha ha ha .. 🙂
Shades of Little House of Horrors, lol, Mama was right.
“Son, be a dentist! you have a talent for causing things pain.
Son, be a dentist! people will pay you to be inhumane.
Your temperment’s wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
So be a dentist! You’ll be a success.”
Nocontact
I’ll definitely report it and I’m not worried about his police buddies because they are all on borrowed time and know that if they’re caught crossing the line, one more time, they’ve lost their jobs.
It’s just that the S doesn’t know what part I played in his investigation, or that a 2nd victim came forward. He won’t know anything until he’s charged which should happen any day now. If I go and report his behavior and validate it then it will go on the police system and they all have access to that, at the moment, the detectives have kept everything under wraps til he’s charged so he doesn’t know what is going on and no one can inform him…
Under, I totally get what you are saying and would lay that also, as another rotted tooth, into the hands of the law enforcement people you will report to.
Just tell them that’s the Deal.
You don’t need to STRIKE a deal, you did not commit a CRIME.
so proud of you — let us know how it goes and if you cannot go thru? we will still be right here. It is Your Choice, every one of them are your choices, this is NOT PRESSURE!! but rather, THE HAND OF LOVE.
xox N/C
Under, insofar as my own Deal, I also just told the truth and in very few words:
They blew it with the crime investigation and say there is no evidence, a confession will be required. This leaves me wondering if my ex has committed a murder. Or two. Who’s counting ?at first it was me and our kids. Our lives, our home, pets, bank accounts, security and SANITY so yeah who is counting?
GOD IS COUNTING, THAT IS WHO!
xox n/c
This Too…I was right where you are now last week. I had gone 11 days and he calls and I contact him back.
NoContact is so right. It’s like falling off the wagon. But we gotta get back in it. Almost 72 hrs of NC for me and I’m happy about that. I know he’ll contact me again. But going to have to be stronger this time.
freedom15,
It’s amazing how much better I feel when I go at least 2 days without talking to him. The longest I’ve gone is 7 and it was wonderful. It’s amazing to me how just talking to him takes me back, upsets me so much and I end up responding/acting in ways that are so not me. I’m hoping tomorrow is a brighter day.
I’m happy you’re at 72! That’s better than back at square one. Thanks for your support. We’ll make it through and will be so much better for it in the long run.
Remember
Even if they moved on, they want you to feel worthless and will leave no stone unturned in their mission to guarantee this. They want you to think “I am damaged goods. Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all.”
Everything that came out of their mouth was/is a lie, including the native things they say/said about you .
If you break the no cobtact he got his way into your life again. You are basically starting at square one again. After you break the no cobtact you will feel worse than you did. It took me 3 months to learn this after a 20 year marriage. If he keeps being a part of your life you will not focus on you and all your good energy is out the window. And by that he won again.
Jenna, WTH, you just got this letter from his lawyer now? Wow. This is exactly what Kaya warns everyone about, the legal retaliation, and even when you’ve done nothing to warrant it, they do this crazy crap.
Your counselor is right. Keep your head down, because you know this guy will only escalate it if given the chance.
This world is crazy! After what he did to YOU – he sends you a cease and desist letter. And then drives past your house.
Yep he’s bored and looking to stir up drama, and (giggle) he doesn’t know that you are no longer the same person and there is no drama to be found with you.
Atta girl!! You’ve got this!
JENNA I have not read what Hanalei’s post is even about, please CALL A CIVIL ATTORNEY AND SUE THAT BASTARD!!!!!!!
This is an extreme and INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, it is a LEGAL CIVIL VIOLATION OF YOUR RIGHTS TO LIVE IN PEACE.
Disclaimer: I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY and IT IS A STATE CRIME TO OPRACTICE LAW WITHOUT A LAW LICENSE. SO THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE !!!!!!!
Rather, this ADVICE?? comes from a FELLOW VICTIM.
Please don’t mess around with this horrible person anymore on your own. I hope you will CALL AN ATTORNEY and SUE HIS ASS and NOW. GO FOR IT, YOU DESERVE TO ENFORCE YOUR OWN LEGAL RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just as HE enforced HIS PENIS ON YOU.
Hmm, I am wondering if the program failed the post because of the link? here are the first several words of the linked-to text, try a google ON THIS TOPIC?
It is extremely important to be aware of the following traits of stalkers. These will alert you to the possibility that a potential suitor or even a friend or acquaintance could become a stalker.
Stalkers will not take no for an answer.
They refuse to believe that a victim is not interested in them or will not rekindle their relationship and often believe that the victim really does love them
I think he is trying to make you afraid to do what he knows you are entitled to do: tattle on him. and loud too!
Also, Jenna? “She said not to be afraid of the letter” means, YOU WERE AFRAID OF THE LETTER.
You remember my little exercise?
Jenna, if I called you and told you I was afraid, what would you say to me? YOU WOULD SAY THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME. YOU ODON’T NEED TO TAKE THAT!!! LET’S CALL THE COPS AND A LAWYER, I WILL GO ALONG.
I am TELLING YOU THE DEAL. HE IS BEGINNING TO STALK YOU, begin a written record of EVERY SINGLE EVENT. Also please call your local police department, tell them to pleasle increase patrols around your place and that YOU WILL BE KEEPING A RECORD OF ALL UNWANTED CONTACT FROM NOW ON>
Stalking is a terrorizing event.
TRUST ME, IT IS.
At the end of all this, Jenna? I think I was stalked for thirty three years. He mirrored me, pretended to be religiouos as I am and so on……?? HE IS LITERALLY PAINTING MY PERSONALITY ONTO HIS FACE and THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT HARMLESS!!! in the next chapter? he will accuse you of sodomizing HIM.
Your family members will JOIN HIM AT THIS COMPLAINT.
THEY ARE THE DEVIL ITSELF!! please protect YOURSELF!!! and remember that WE LOVOE YOU and SUPPORT YOU WITH ALL OUR HEARTS. Please DO MORE THAN I DID, Jenna, PLEASE DO NOT WASTE AS MANY YEARS AS I DID AT THIS!!!!! ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THE FERVENT HOPE THAT YOU WILL END UP BETTER< THAN I HAVE.
This is how it Began. PLEASE do not let it END as it has for me. The OW was stabbed to death 1/14 and I am SO AFRAID. Please Jenna? see that this behavior escalates and accelerates, his "boredom" today will be a threatening, drooling sex addict AT YOUR DOOR TOMORROW.
The advice to document everything is right on target. Even though my situation was different, I knew my ex had reams of documentation relative to his ex-wife, including saving recordings of her phone messages that sounded totally rational (on an old school answering machine with a tape) along with his chilling narrative of his fear for his safety due to her “instability”. His recordings were so dramatic, it was like he was making a whodunnit podcast or something.
When he started writing inflammatory emails to me accusing me of all sorts of aberrant behavior, I responded to the first few, until I was advised not to because he was setting me up. I am certain he’s kept them in a folder for future possible use, in case he needs something against me. All that stuff he had “on” his ex wife was on the order of 15 years old, and he still wrung his hands over it. No doubt he briefed his new wife on me (as he did with me on his ex-wife) and my supposed instability so that she will know where to look in case something happens to him. Yeesh.
That is why I will never have any contact with him, say anything about him to anyone or anything else that could get his attention. There is no winning with these crazies.
Jenna23,
I’m also concerned about you and your safety. I’ve been stalked for many months now (not from my current ex but spath #1). It can get really scary, especially if they get very covert about it. My life is the hook, “What next?” This man has gone to unimaginable lengths. He’s so covert that it’s hard to prove in the legal system. I wish I had taken more action when it all started.
You have what you need now! Please don’t wait until his behavior escalates. Look at what’s happening…he’s already escalating. Take action now!!!
This is a big deal. Dig deep, tap into your gut and you’ll realize how horrible this is. You don’t deserve this. These people condition us to think of their abuse as no big deal. He’s still abusing you by his most recent actions. Release his hold and take care of YOU.
Thanks HM, for the kind words. I can say with honesty that I feel stronger and thinking more clearly than i have in many months and as recently as last week. The people who post on this website have much knowledge to share. They may not have degrees in counseling, but the lessons that this experience has taught us has resulted in much wisdom. And we are helping each other. If there is anything good to come out of a bad experience, and God always turns all things for good…then it is that we can now understand like no one else and comfort, console, and advise each other towards the right path. I feel honored to have found this forum…not only because it has been of invaluable help to me, but I also feel validated that there are others out there just like me who have suffered as victims and did not deserve it and are temporarily lost. I actually feel pretty terrific tonight psychologically, still a carry over from yesterday’s therapy appointment. And I look forward every day to reading the comments on this website!
Neveragain51
You speak exactly what I think. When I have down moments I just need Tocome here and read, get advice and hopefully one day my knowledge and advice will help others the way it’s worked for me. Being approx 6 months with everything that happened to me it is LF that have me knowledge, power and strength to move forward. Without being here I don’t know what situation inwould be in. All I know is that NC was te best thing i have ever done because I know I would never have had the tools to go forward with that if I hadn’t gotten valuable advice from everyone here. It was tough but I saved my self respect and dignity by taking that step. I never thought I’d be at this point and hope everyone including yourself, inthemiddle and Jenna and Elsa who are beginning this knows that it does get better. Even if you don’t write in here just keep reading and most important NC NC NC…I neve thought I’d be in a position to tell anyone it’s the best thing 🙂
Just wanted to log in to a I am reading and reading all the comments! My mind is too weary at times to comment. I feel that I am replaying this record over and over in my head. The pain overwhelmed ME at times but ( sorry, can’t remember who said it to me) I am learning to trust my gut. I had another out of the blue meet with him the other day, equally upsetting. His silent treatment has killed me but when he sees me and I don’t gush over him he accused ME of not speaking!!!
The best course of action for me is simply not to see him. I pray every time I go to town I wont. it’s been three days now. I just need to get to the 16th when I go away.
My sleeping is my biggest problem. I wake up and it is all there in my head. The CD gets me.
But I will win his battle because he is a waste of space, a poor excuse for a man and I don’t need his kind of “friendship” …….. He did a good job on me and I am ashamed of that!!
Off to the gym. It’s 8am. I think I am doing all the right things, taking care of myself but inside there is a deep deep sadness that just won’t shift! Hugs to yo all x
OMG! The Psycho will not give up?… He knows that I think he’s guilty of a child sexual assault, he knows that I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth, he knows I’ve reached my limit and never intend to return. I’ve changed my mobile number regardless of the amount of work it caused, blocked him from my email account, returned his letter unopened and my security settings on Facebook are so tight I can’t even see myself!
But the psycho found my profile on Pinterest today and copied all my pins! WTF? He completely replicated my life on his profile and commented on things he never showed any interest in while I was married to him for 14 years???
I’ve just spent hours establishing a whole new alias – what is next from the creepy stalker? He’s a f***ing policeman for God’s sake – he knows what stalking is…
At first I thought he would benefit from my return because he’d have access to our assets but this just takes him to a whole new level of creepy psycho stalker!
And what is with the “selfie” of himself without a shirt on, showing the hair removed from his chest – looks like he’d been pumping weights for hours – grow up fruit loop! I’m not interested!!!
God! you girls that were dumped for someone else don’t know how lucky you have it – I can’t get rid of him! GRR 3rd glass of wine!
Under, I am so sorry. You are so strong and have done so much. I have taken your advice and tomorrow I am going to go and get a new number. I have made a list of my contacts (the ones who matter) and will be sending them my new info.
The fact that your NP is a policeman is super scary. It seems like he can get access to whatever he wants. I pray for your safety.
Freedom
I’m actually convinced that he can’t access anything through his police buddies because they were all interviewed over the child sex allegation when the psycho was stood down. They know that their searches would be monitored and the media is onto sociopaths in the police force so they all need to stay clean throughout the investigation. I’m not sure I mentioned this before but I told his boss what he was doing on duty and that he was a predator 2 weeks before he picked up a 14 year old, on duty, and she accused him of assaulting her. His boss would have warned the entire squatheo stay clean because I threatened to take my evidence to the media….
I’m not scared yet just frustrating. I’ll be scared when “it” finds out I wore a wire to dinner after I moved out 😉
You are doing the right thing and I don’t know why it takes so much time for us to listen to the advice of the wonderful women on here but definitely NC has calmed me down til yesterday – I think I’ve blocked every Avenue of communication now, well other than him turning up at the front door!
At least the selfie displays of masculinity were not X rated! (yet)
Don’t let him turn you into a lush – wine is meant to be sipped and savored, not gulped between clenched teeth. Tell yourself – I have walked away from that and I am free to be my own person. Then toast yourself with a smile on your face as you let his antics float away.
Save the growling and clenched teeth for your next bowl of froot loops and imagine it is him.
Nomorewool
Haha I don’t usually drink but I’ve had a flight or fight issue with a pounding heart beat in my ear so I needed to relax so I could sleep – meditation and mind control tactics don’t work for me?
I feel quite strong when I’m angry, even frustrated by him. Its been a long road through many emotional level so this is quite liberating and far from the weepy mess I started as when I left. I also don’t vent in other places because my friends have had enough…
Undertheradar, that is SO creepy! Do you know he did it because you got those emails saying so and so pinned your pin?
He’s definitely thinking of everything he can to creep you out and send the message he’s got his eye on you. Creepy psycho stalker for sure.
Did you just create a new name and repin all your stuff? You’ve got me thinking I should do that myself!
It never ceases to amaze me that these men who are in the profession to “protect and serve” are the creepiest sleezeballs of all.
Hi, I am doing ok today. I have to be honest though, i miss him and i did send him a message asking him to at least be nice to me while we are at work. I shouldnt have done it but i was in pain last night after my meeting and it was that or go drinking so i decieded to do that instead. I also realized too last night and do not know if anyone else has felt this way is how do you hate the person who was the only one in your life to ever see you and care abt you and value you. I realize now that it was not true but at the time i believed it. So with that being said I am having trouble hating the monster who used me. I am confused. This who sociopath, psychopath and narissist stuff is mind bending. I still inside want to try to fix it and have him pick me. I am so intent on this and wish that part would go away. I did real the affirmations last night that people wrote for me and focused on that to go to sleep. I did wake up later sweating and dreamed that he was yelling at me for the stuff i did. This is perplexing. Im not giving up I havent done anything today and have sat/sun/mon/tues to quiet down. I will be packing the weekend as my ex husband will be getting his stuff out too. its wierd with that as well. being in the house i didnt get to live in fully before now I have to leave. very emotional.
inthemiddle –
Don’t waste your energy on hating him. He is not even worth that much of your time. Take the energy you would spend on hating him and use it instead on loving you.
Is there something you like to do? Use it as a distraction. If you don’t have any of those kind of skills, pick something to learn, like knitting. Then use that skill to help others.
For instance, if you knit, you can make caps for cancer patients or blankets for premature babies and donate them to the local hospital. Then, every time you find yourself thinking about him, pick up your knitting and focus on your project and the people you are helping. You will re-focus your energy on something positive that will make you feel good. It will be hard and you will have to be very deliberate at first in redirecting yourself, but YOU CAN DO IT!
Inthemiddle, no good will come to you from sending him messages, so please try not to do that. In my opinion, if you are in so much pain after your meeting that you have to either go drinking or contact him, that is not the meeting for you. You should be leaving feeling uplifted, encouraged and supported. Something isn’t right.
I know that you still want to fix it and have him pick you. Please help yourself by being honest with your one on one counselor about this so that she can help you.
I do understand how it feels to want to be the one picked, because I felt that way every time he mini-discarded me and was picked until he discarded me the final time and my life was left in ruins. Each time you are “taken back”, they up the ante. In fact, you are upping the ante yourself by contacting him.
I also understand completely how you feel at having to leave the house you didn’t get to live in fully and how emotional that is. We owned our new home three months before he discarded me and I had to continue to live there for almost three years knowing that I couldn’t afford to keep it and it had to be sold. I thought I wasn’t letting myself fully live there to protect myself, but when I had to leave it, I realized I was fooling myself – it had become a haven to me. Believe me when I say that the sooner you are out of that house the easier it will be on you.
It is all hard, and it is all emotional and that is normal. You say you are confused, but I don’t think you really are – you just don’t want to accept what you now know to be the truth and you are struggling with denial. There is a saying that goes around that is so true – you can’t hold on to anything new if your hands are full of the past.
inthemiddleofheartache
I am being blunt because you need to get smart.
You are treading in dangerous waters.
You said you wanted to keep your job.
You are sabotaging the security of your job.
Your behavior is undermining your very freedom.
Truth:
There were more choices than 1) go drinking or 2) send him a personal message (goad him into contacting YOU??? Get this father of small children to give you kibbles? I HATE that you call it kibbles. Kibbles is what we feed our dog. You are NOT A DOG.).
From a work supervisor point of view, you are causing work problems. You are engaging in stalking behavior. You are contacting him, leaving him a personal message, not work related.
He can use your behavior to get you fired. Others at your workplace can complain as well. They can report your impulse control issues.
Please see this for the serious danger that it is.
You gave this man the ammunition and power to smear you, to get you fired, to “WIN” by destroying you. Your dream is your subconscious sending a warning to yourself. LISTEN to your own self. If you want your job, if you want to avoid harassment charges, of you want to avoid stalking charges, if you want to avoid a restraining order…Do not EVER contact this man again.
DO be smart.
DO seek to care for YOU.
If the outcome of a meeting drives your impulse to drink or to cross a boundry of stalking, maybe you need a different type of meeting.
Yes, this is a harsh message. But not in the long view. In the long view, it is a message sent to SAVE you and your life.
You brush off compassion and care, you dismiss much good caution and protective advice. I hope you will STOP, THINK, BE SMART, and TAKE CARE of YOU.
Amen, NWHSOM, AMEN! This is not too blunt. I’ve been saying for weeks that she is jeopardizing her job (that she has had for 21 years) over him.
She hasn’t listened.
inthemiddle –
Listen to what NWHSOM is telling you.
WE BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!
But, you need to stop feeding the flames of your own destruction. No Contact! Focus on you! You Can Do It!
Honey (in the middle) please see yourself in THIS CONTEXT, ok?
I have been separated from my ex for 5 years now, going on. My kids are 27 and 30 now, respectively.
For weeks (ok, I cannot lie to you, it has been months now oh bullshit, it has been YEARS ok?? I CONFESS!!!!!!) I have been writing emails, making phone calls and having personal visits, all imploring them
“TO BE KIND TO ME.”
DO NOT FEEL BAD, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT — IT REALLY IS NOT.
We love you and support you every day, no matter what your choices are. There is no Criteria to being LOVED so it won’t be imposed upon you. Rather just like your own MA? we will twist your ear and then kiss it to Make It All Better. There, no more boo boo.
XOX Love from N/C
Hanalei
Yes, when I got home and turned on my tablet, there were email notifications saying that he’d pinned my pins. If I look back over our history then he’s just duplicating my life as an attempt to win me back by trying to appear as though we have all these things in common – do they have short memories? I know him so well but not one single pin was about anything he would have liked to do while we were together – not to mention that he’d argue with me over anything that I discovered but is now pinning them as if he’s committed to this new way of thinking – very creepy!
I changed my name everywhere, even my active Facebook account but I’m lucky to have had a second Facebook account with all my friends listed on it but I never interact with that one so he’ll be none the wiser if he looks. I also removed the pins but searched back through them first to find the original and using my phone and tablet, repinned them from another source because I can’t delete them from his profile – better to be safe than sorry!
I see what you mean about him wanting me to know he’s watching me but seriously! Doesn’t he realise? He sucked as a cop!
I ended up having a good laugh at his actions with a friend when she pointed out that he’d have to own a selfie stick to take the photo – 50 yr with a selfie stick! Nearly wet my pants! 😉
Under the radar
Wow. That’s really scary what he is doing , copying the stuff. I not on any social websites becausey lawyer said that they will do things like that. But my ex also found a way and that’s the United states postal service. I learned now to take the notes and file them away. I am not reading his crap anymore but want to keep the notes as he is creating a record now. Who knows what he will do.
Your comment “we are so lucky getting dumped. You are so absolutrly right. I was devastated being discarded but it saved my life. He thought he would hurt me so much. And yes he did. But that was temporarily. The pain is gone and he is in agony now. No don’t care. He has minions to cheer him up. But I have my life back. A better one that’s for sure.
Kaya48
Looks like I might have to change my name officially once the court case is over, he’s turned psycho which I was expecting and my instincts have warned me of what he is capable of doing – next level of psycho and escalating! I’ll remove myself from social media when I get to that stage but have blocked all avenues for him now as my friends have also limited his viewing of their profiles and I’ve eliminated the ones that didn’t.
It’s frustrating that I’m the one that has to change everything because of who he is – my days of innocence are gone…
Dear Under, we will get Over it. IT IS NOT FAIR. BUT GOD IS WATCHING!!!! AND HE KNOWS IT WAS UNFAIR, so hang in there.
Love from N/C stay warm and safe, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME.
Thanks Nocontact
Lol warm and safe! You got your wish! I’ve just spent the weekend out the back of whoop whoop (aussie slang for a remote destination) in the searing heat, covered in flys and sweat so I was WARM, to say the least, and SAFE enough for the pyscho to not find me there – haha snapped back to reality now!
Dear under,
Since you are safe, please let me ask you about your thoughts in regard to these Essential Mysteries of Life. Here goes.
1. Why is it, that I am always cleaning, but it is never clean?
2. Why was there no time at all between pimples and wrinkles? now they co-exist?
3. Why was there no time between being near-sighted and being far-sighted at the same time? Why do not our eyes ever equal OUT at some point?
4. In that same regard — why am I freezing, while you are swatting flies?
I LOVE YOU, UNDER THE RADAR !!! STAY THERE and STAY SAFE. xoxo n/c
PS Under, I do not actually expect you to really get past that first one. ha ha ha, it is TRULY the grand Mystery of Life, that CLEANING THING. 🙂
WHY didn’t our mothers TELL us? IT IS ALL ABOUT CLEANING (endlessly). 🙂
NoContact
#2. So right. Proof that God has a wicked sense of humor.
People. I’m old. And STILL with the pimples! I only LOOK like a crack ho. But I still got my teeth so now ya know… I learned the truth at 17, that love was meant for beauty queens, and high school girls with clear skin smiles…
Another one:
Grey hair?! But… I’m also losing hair, it’s thinning out. So here I am, praying! That I don’t lose any more…. nasty GREY hair.
Nocontact
1 – the universe set it up that way or God. You see it is always perfect/perfection the way our universe operates. Dust particles settle, we are forever in motion and moving towards something new. We stir it up and the movement of air shifts it into place. This is the basis of starting fresh yet with the same stuff. Dust and dirt particles carry new life to new places so it can become something – natural! Nature will always conquer our world. Have you ever seen a photo of nature taking over a deserted town or freerecallwe are powerless against nature and rightly so – it is in our best interests to have it react this way so when we discard an environment, nature makes it a natural healthy environment again – God’s gift to us!
2 – ahh… our youth was lost on losers! We forget to live in the moment, to appreciate what is because we’re either consumed with what has past or what will be! Pimples to wrinkles reminds us not to miss out on the things that are happening now = lesson learned! Lol
3 – not sure about this one but at a guess… I’d say I’m not seeing things right under my nose because I’m too busy looking into the future – reread no 2!
4 – first day of Autumn so I’m catching up while you’re catching up! It’s dropped 15º in one day here so it feels like someone turned the air conditioning on. Reread no 1 lol 😉 the cycles of our seasons – what an amazing God we have!
I’m about to buy a heater in preparation for winter, we don’t have icicles where I live but it does go to the other extreme – brrr
Hugs and kisses back at you honey xoxo
Nocontact
1 – why are these comments out of whack and why have I lost my edit button? My answers were meant to say “freeway and we are powerless against it” 😉
Not
Thanks for the reminder! Nasty grey hair gives a whole new meaning to “fifty shades of grey!” 😉
Under, I don’t know the answer to your question but suspect the software is getting as disordered as our opponents are out there.
As to the 50 shades? I have NO SHAME. I will ADMIT that I thought it was a film filled with great grey-haired actresses of our times. I was thinking Meryl Streep for instance….talking over coffee.
ABOUT ….
WHAT DID YOU SAY ??????? Meryl is that YOU? NO IT IS NOT !!!! OMG !!!!!!! 🙂
Nocontact
You cracked me up But you might want to runyour idea past the directors of the movie because I’m sure that 50 grey haired actresses would tell a better story than the original 😉
I can’t reply under the right comment, but you will figure it out.
My chin hairs have turned white.
Meanwhile, my hair, which historically was sandy blonde, is now a sort of dull, dead looking VERY dark brown (well, my roots anyway).
WTF?
NoContact, my eye doctor says that if you started out near sighted enough, and live long enough, your eyes MIGHT equal out at some point. Mine are going in that direction. The frightening thing is that without my contacts, my near vision is so sharp right now that I could do micro surgery if it was less than 3″ away from my face. That is why I can so efficiently remove the white chin hairs. 🙂
Sometimes, while reading the posts here, I am still amazed at the extent some sociopaths will go to continue their abuse! I was not discarded, at least not to my face…although I am sure I was not the only one in my spath’s life. I am the one doing the discarding, while she is still reaching out because she could always “bring me back” in the past. But the stories that I read here just show me such strength of character, even those stories where we feel we have failed. We are just in a different point in the path to healing, that’s all! But I am proud of you all…of US! We are fighting a war that we didn’t choose to participate in but were drafted because we have good hearts. And we are learning the hard lesson. And we will never to it again. We will be wiser…
The perspective that you are the one doing the discarding is interesting as I have thought that is what I am doing to him. I have not reached out to him and do not plan on doing that. I am going to change my cell phone number and have already mapped all of his email addresses to directly to trash. Because I know that he will reach out to me and has always “brought me back” as well.
The site is a healthy place for me. It is one that I need. I sometimes post a lot and sometimes just read but it is so helpful and really gets me through the rough patches.
Thanks, Never! I am proud of all of us as well.
Never, I sure wish I still had the emotion called Amazement. 🙂
I sort of kinda recall it……..?
Like………surprise? hope? BELIEF? and Security.
NoContact,
My WTF moments are like Popeye. “Well BLOW me down Bluto!” Then I just accept, well, that’s the mark of a sociopath. They gotta “win”, even if it’s Nobody’s definition of a “win”. They never stop being predators.
Very good advice. Three glasses of wine is just a bandaid and never the answer to anything. It fogs your brain, helps develop kidney stones, and works your organs that much harder…especially since you are already upset. Don’t develop one addiction for another…. heal from one without the crutch of another.
Neveragain
I poured the 3rd but ended up with camomile tea as I’d had enough to relax my flight/fight response… wine was red so good antioxidants (lol) and also the only alcohol I’m allowed in a strict Paleo lifestyle and over 4 hours not just skulled – thanks for your concern (and everyone else’s) but I’ve got this under control – 1 litre of purified water before bed and a dose of H2o2 to oxygenate my cells so no damage on my part – thankfully it’s the only thing I’ve got working in my favour!