UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not
You are so correct. I rather wanted to be homeless as than hearing the lying voice one more time. And yes, I am a child of God and I have to accept facts. God took my ex out if my life becayse he wanted me to have peace. And I understand that now. I thought the lying and cheating was about the cruelest thing he could do to me. No, he went even further. The mentally insane thing, the injunction. It felt like he would go as far as he could. Even though he left me, he still provoked and lied. There was and there still is only one solution. Removing myself from this crazy making and cutting of all contact.
I know exactly how intgemiddle feels. My ex broke my heart by cheating, broke it more after he left, and then wanted to rip it out if my body so I can slowly die. He pushed and pushed hoping I would comitt suicide. He pushed hoping for me to be locked away. And it was not some random evil person. It was my husband , father
of my only child,my partner and best friend (I thought so). “Husbands love your wives as christ loves the Church”. He only pushed so far. When that point came I knew I had to face reality. He never loved, you are right. Whatever came out of his mouth was a lie. I will cobtact my lawyer once more and find out what we can do about the handwritten notes. And yes, I changed my email , phone number and I am not on social websites. Anywhere. It was a hassle to change it all but if it meant cutting off all contact , it was so worth it.
My ex has destroyed so much for me and for his son. But we are still here. Anything he took can be replaced. What matters is that we have peace.
yep kaya48
I know how inthemiddle feels too. I had a terrible childhood, once I was raped in such a humiliating way, I decided no one would ever want such damaged goods as me. Then came my ex who said he loved me and when it was obvious that he LIED, I gave up. I felt like I had fought for so long, I was just out of gas.
But then GOD stepped in. As HIS child, I have an obligation to NOT LET bad things happen to HIS creation (me). I might have a hard time doing for ME, but to do for someone else? I found that much easier to do. I nurtured GOD’s child (me) until she was able to have my first sleep where I didn’t dream of the A*. Then I repeated my success, refined it, and adapted as healing progressed.
Not
You are such an inspiration to all of us, you give me strength to grow as a person and I’m truly grateful – hugs & X’s
Ditto that, xox
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So, if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending” ~~ from GodFruits.com
“Keep the faith. The most amazing things in life tend to happen right at the moment you are about to give up hope” ~~ GodFruits.com.
“All the forces of darkness cannot destroy what God has ordained” (Isaiah 14:27).
Question: if we are daughters of a King, what does that make us? (Answer: princesses!).
Under the radar
I never lost hope. Security, yes I lost that. I learned never to trust in things that can disappear in a blink of an eye. But “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.
Phillipians 4:13
God is always with you.
I hope your ex will get what he deserves. My ex list everything and Niw his word is worthless. He is a liar and a cheater. The entire world will view him different.
Kaya
Thank you! I’ve been away for the weekend so I’m just catching up on the posts now (heaps of emails to get through)
I find that each new day, with no contact, is now bringing me a memory of a situation with more clarity and less pain. It’s more like an unemotional response, like a “yeah he did that” than the searching to see if I’m right – don’t know if that makes sense?
Because I’ve cut off every Avenue of contact, even returning his mail unopened, I’m less confused and these reminders on LF are just adding up.
Your guidance has been invaluable – thank you! Hugs & X’s to you too 🙂
Hanalei
Your story is my life with the ex. Yes if not being careful they portray you as the crazy one. Like my ex said he was afraid of me. I never set foot in the county he lives and works as a cop. He is 6 foot 1 , 210 pounds, ex military cop and he told the judge “I am afraid of her, she is mental”. Can you believe this. The entire court room and bailiffs chuckled. Here I am , 47, about 5 foot5. 130 pounds. And he claims he is afraid. They will go to any extreme.
That letter she received should be a big warning. The next thing might be an injunction. I am so glad there is no contact with my ex. He would twist and turn until Iam arrested. And he would be the happy one to do it. Oh they are so evil
Sane and free
As always I am in awe about your spiritual comments. I love them. You teach me so many verses that I look up and study. Thank you for being such a good disciple.
It’s not me talking…its the experience….that we all learned the HARD way. I was finally able to squeeze out a few tears tonight…not for the spath…Heavens no….but for the lost INNOCENCE for ALL of us. We are different people now, and it was time to say goodbye to the old me. My tears were for the time and money that was gone…. for an illusion. Tomorrow starts a new life. I can follow HM’s example now to stop thinking about what is gone and begin to start over. I needed to go through the mountain, to face the demons that I have been ignoring…and that’s what today was all about for me. I never even got out of my pjs! No more questioning myself – no more wondering how she is – no more beating myself up over the mistakes. My motives were right all along; they were just wasted on a user. I am ready now to take on the world again, this time older and wiser. There are still people in the world who are true – and those are the ones that deserve my help. God has led me this far, and He will never let go of my hand. Thank you, all my friends, who have listened and comforted and advised me. I am victorious at last. NEVER AGAIN
It is very hard to feel sympathy for someone who intentionally destroys herself, isn’t it? I am glad my “friend” moved out – watching it was just too painful.
Gee i dunno,neveragain. My two daughters seem to be able to muster PLENTY of sympathy. In fact, I’ve been explained as the abusive party — by them. it has been the nail in the coffin, clink clink. 🙂
Neveragain51 thank you too for sharing your deepest thoughts and experiences. I know that seeing what you wrote and reading it I too wanted that emotional hit more than anything. What everyone is saying to me about this and NP being a drug your right. And right now im giving up my drug and it hurts. im giving up the dream that was my fantasy and only mine. He never promised anything or gave me anything for that matter except a broken heart.
I went out last night to a meeting a older guy there and i was telling him abt NP and he told me everything that happened to me wthout me sayng a word down to the littlest detail. What a eye opener, not to mention that he gave some tips also on what NP may do to prepare myself. How sad it was for both of us. He felt bad telling me all of this but it made me feel better bcs he said some really kind things to explain some of it. It was very helpful. I was reeling after seeing NP.
I realized something else. I am not going to lose my job over this idiot. He is a gamer and user and no matter what it will never be any different. I was played and used and I have to live with it. I think the reason it has been so hard and still is I dont like not being in control and he got the best of me. I didnt stop it. I feel like i was when i was a little kid and I couldnt stop what was happening. I hated that. So with NP he signifies the lack of my ability to control it or him. I realize also he was the wolf. I never expected to be bitten by the wolf or fall in love with him. I didnt realize getting tickets, paying for outfits, paying for hotel rooms, and etc was damaging to me. I paid to neveragain51 and he makes alot more money than me. I paid to have pretend feelings only to be duped by them later on.
I think i need to address my ulterior motives as well. I am not innocent and i am not the person who wants someones elses man and I need to address my need to be in control, to take what I want and to see what really is me. I have been lost and now i have shown up and need to really find out the heart of me the real me.
Neveragain51 thank you too for sharing your deepest thoughts and experiences. I know that seeing what you wrote and reading it I too wanted that emotional hit more than anything. What everyone is saying to me about this and NP being a drug your right. And right now im giving up my drug and it hurts. im giving up the dream that was my fantasy and only mine. He never promised anything or gave me anything for that matter except a broken heart.
I went out last night to a meeting a older guy there and i was telling him abt NP and he told me everything that happened to me wthout me sayng a word down to the littlest detail. What a eye opener, not to mention that he gave some tips also on what NP may do to prepare myself. How sad it was for both of us. He felt bad telling me all of this but it made me feel better bcs he said some really kind things to explain some of it. It was very helpful. I was reeling after seeing NP.
I realized something else. I am not going to lose my job over this idiot. He is a gamer and user and no matter what it will never be any different. I was played and used and I have to live with it. I think the reason it has been so hard and still is I dont like not being in control and he got the best of me. I didnt stop it. I feel like i was when i was a little kid and I couldnt stop what was happening. I hated that. So with NP he signifies the lack of my ability to control it or him. I realize also he was the wolf. I never expected to be bitten by the wolf or fall in love with him. I didnt realize getting tickets, paying for outfits, paying for hotel rooms, and etc was damaging to me. I paid to neveragain51 and he makes alot more money than me. I paid to have pretend feelings only to be duped by them later on.
I think i need to address my ulterior motives as well. I am not innocent and i am not the person who wants someones elses man and I need to address my need to be in control, to take what I want and to see what really is me. I have been lost and now i have shown up and need to really find out the heart of me the real me.
in the middle, please let me comment to just the couple of your thoughts that I can keep in my head long enuff to do so (it’s not you — it is ME lol).
First I think that you are pretty disabled by what is occurring and agree that it is unlikely you would lose your job given eeoc protections and whatnot but …. do you really need that job so much? or maybe I am confused and you do not have to work alongside your spath? but if you do, honey I do not care if you are going to be VP on Monday at 9:am, you need to quit anyway cuz that experience just cannot be 24/7 for the sake of your own mental health.
Second I think that in your opening paragraph you have really identified the problem for me. It is the DEATH OF MY DREAMS. In my case? to have an intact family for my two daughters since I was raised by a divorced lady — had an older sister who had known our father and was quite damaged by his departure as well as (along with me of course) the early death by cancer of our Mom at only 50 when we were both just 18-20years old. IT WAS THE DEATH OF THAT DREAM.
It is in forming NEW dreams that I have hit THE ROCK. The OLD dreams fit into what I NEED emotionally to survive. THANK YOU for identifying — although I can’t expect you to resolve it for me !!!! — the real Issue behind my LOSS.
I keep reading and I see that our stories are all different, but with the same ending. Please allow me to be a female Paul Harvey and share “the rest of the story” in the hopes that it may help someone else. My first marriage was abusive in a sexual way. My second husband is my protector, almost like a father, but it has been a celibate relationship for the last 15 years. I had accepted it and myself as a non-sexual being. Then my female spath came into my life. She was pushy and opened the door with me to a sexual relationship. Yes, female to female. But I must admit that these bedroom activities were the most exquisite and pleasurable than I have EVER experienced…with anyone. Oh, they came with a cost that I did not realize at the time. She stole from me, and I handed her an average of $100 a day for 4 years to help her out of situations (of her own creation?); all because I thought I may never experience that kind of pleasure again. Pandora’s box had been opened. I almost lost my retirement account, my family, my husband and my entire self-respect. I never realized that I was projecting my vulnerability about my celibate lifestyle to a predator who would use it to keep me hooked so that her own “supply line” could be maintained. I had been told over and over that no contact was the only answer, but no contact also meant that I might never feel that way ever again. So I moved away without giving her a new address and phone number, believing that distance would help to cut the cord. But I left the email option open because I had promised that I would and am a woman of my word. As you would expect, she began to use email as a guilt vehicle to tell me about her pathetic life and ask for money. That’s when I began no contact, at long last. But the feelings inside, especially with her birthday this week, were fighting my resolve. I could not face what I needed to face in order to truly let her go. Yesterday was my Epiphany. I retyped the checkbooks and saw the “true cost” of my bedroom pleasures. I mourned the loss of my innocence and the pleasures that I may never feel again. And today is the start of a new life. A life in which I will no longer look back with sadness, or even anger….because it is in the past and I move forward today into a life that is healthier for me. Elvis has FINALLY left the building.
Neveragain, thanks for sharing your story! Can I ask about your husband? Did he know all this was going on and the full extent of it?
You mention two things that cut to the heart of me. One, is projecting our vulnerability, whatever it is. My experience taught me that I have a hard time NOT doing that. The other is that you left the email option open because you promised you would. Promise keeping: I am the poster child.
I lost a large sum of money due to having to sell the house almost immediately after buying it, and he had arranged things so that his investment had been minimal. I took virtually all the loss.
But in the years prior to that, I spent untold amounts of money on him and his household. At first, it was because I wanted to pay my fair share (of trips, dinners, etc.). But as he escalated the lifestyle we were living (we both were making a good salary), he said something that he knew me well enough to know would get to my sense of fairness: that we both made the same amount of money, but my living expenses were much less than his, and as such, I should be paying for more, since I had more disposable income. He was correct, since I had owned my conservative house for over 10 years when we met and my payment was low, less than half of his. This was intentional, since I was saving to secure my financial future, and was doing a great job of it. Instead of saying wtf oh hell no, I started “contributing” more. When I bought groceries for his house (eventually, weekly), I stopped asking for him to reimburse me. He started saying “I’ve been bleeding money lately, can you pick this one up” more often. I never said no, because I wanted to show him I wasn’t selfish like his ex-wife (you can guess where that notion came from). It wasn’t until after the final discard and the full picture became clear that I realized that I had been financing all of his side dating activities for YEARS. During this time he also bought a very expensive car and his monthly payment was over $1,000. I’m sure my contributions made that possible.
I would estimate that the minimum I spent for things that were not my responsibility was $150 weekly (groceries), and some months it might have gotten as high as $1,500, depending on what was going on.
I was making enough money that it didn’t seem like a big deal, and it wasn’t impacting my savings program. But the reality was, though I couldn’t see it then, what I saw as contributing to “us”, was freeing up that amount of money for him to spend on other things each month. And I had less for myself.
My ex had a story from his youth that he liked to tell me on a regular basis. He had a friend that he stopped for donuts with weekly, and this friend always “forgot” his wallet. The donuts were cheap, so my ex was happy to pay. But one day, after he had paid for donuts, they stopped somewhere else, where his buddy wanted to buy something for himself, and lo and behold, he had money! The moral of the story, my ex said, was that if his buddy could get him to pay for the donuts each week, why should HE pay? He said he never bought another donut for the guy after that, and saved his money for HIMSELF.
He told me that story 20 times over the years if he told it once. MY EX WAS TELLING ME EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME AND I HAD NO CLUE. I’m sure he got quite the snarky chuckle over that at my expense.
He exploited everything that makes me a good person: my sense of fairness, my wanting to be a good partner, my generosity, my trust. Your “friend” did the same thing to you.
We are AMAZING, Neveragain! And your name says it all: NEVER AGAIN!
Thanks for responding, HM. With the silence that was forthcoming after my submitting my comment, I was afraid that I had offended everyone…or SHOCKED them…into non-response.
My husband is a good man. I did tell him about the sexual relationship, but not the frequency because he was hurt by it but said he understood because of our celibate lifestyle. And he knows about all the money – not at the time but now. He contributed to it because there were times when she cried to me and I cried to him (only MY tears were genuine), and he didn’t want to see me cry. He stopped believing her stories early in the game but helped me to help her because he could see that my heart was breaking, and he loves me.
Yes, I don’t make promises to break them. And I didn’t want to be like all the other people who had walked out on her. I did not realize at the time that they walked out on her for a REASON. I believed that with “enough love,” she could prosper…and isn’t that what Christianity is all about? Helping others?
We are all so alike, aren’t we?
Neveragain, I’m laughing over here because I actually thought to myself oh, gosh, if everyone is busy this morning and no one responds, she’s going to think we’re all shocked into silence!
Nah. I was born, raised, and have lived most of my life in part of the country where gay, lesbian, transgender, and straight live in peaceful harmony and it’s wonderful. People are just people, and what matters is if they are GOOD people. (Yes, we ARE all so alike.)
It sounds like you have a unique and special relationship with your husband. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors of relationships, but what is matters is that it works for the two people in the relationship.
As for me, I thought you were a woman who was in a relationship with a woman from your first post. Then you said you had a husband and I thought wha? So I’m glad you filled in the blanks!
😉
Neveragain, I am sharing Hanalei’s laugh.
I couldn’t care less if my daughter marries a woman, a man or a dog (though I would prefer a horse).
JUST —— not a bug, that is all I ask. 🙂
A HUMAN BEING????? Never, I would be JEALOUS to find one of EITHER SEX who would treat me like the HUMAN BEING that I am myself.
LOVE and LAUGHTER today, enjoy Life!!! xox N/C
NoContact, amen!
Personally, while I’m straight, I’ve seen enough d**k to last me a lifetime.
Thanks everyone. As you can see, I still struggle with rejection and acceptance and “fitting in” rather than “belonging.” I was worried that sharing my skeletons would “oust” me from a group that I have come to trust, but I was so concerned about helping one of the commenters that I took the risk to speak from a deeply personal level. That’s what we do, isn’t it? We just want to help, and we would give up our coat and be cold rather than let someone else be cold. It’s our nature, and it is a good thing. Yes, my husband is a good man. Not perfect but a good man. He is highly traditional and protective, both from a generational and cultural perspective. Despite the hurt that I caused him, he loves me and has forgiven me. But it has taken a toll on his health and his self-esteem.
I am reading a new book today that I recommend to everyone. It is called “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. I recommend it because it talks about many of the things that I have read in our posts. It talks about the inability to love others if we cannot love ourselves. Is it self-love that caused and may still cause us to run to the source of problem for us, knowing it will hurt us like it has in the past? Is it self love knowing that we will never be treated better than we have because change NEVER happens for spaths? It talks about the KINDNESS of setting boundaries and holding others accountable for their actions. Do we hold others accountable when we allow them to hurt us over and over again? This is a book of truths, and I think everyone who still questions “why” should bury their nose in this book. We can read and study about “those bad people” all day long; but until we understand why WE fell for it, then we are not yet as strong as we could be. HURRAY for us!
NeverAgain51, I think that you have sort of Named Your Own Problem in this brief discourse, and since I really do love and care for you, these words on that topic.
It is true that normal people tend to avoid spaths. Something about us makes us better targets. Why is that?
We can see this functioning in their own lives, as an absence of other normal and healthy relationships. Were we not always ALL THERE WAS to their lives? until they were all we had, in “exchange?”
Why is this?
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I BELIEVE. WE CAN DO NO MORE. IN FACT? OUR ARTIFICE IS A REFLECTION OF THE DOSING OF TOXINS INTO US….A FURTHERING OF THAT WHOLE POISONOUS VIEW ABOUT OURSELVES.
1. As a group, we are very sensitive people.
2. We tend toward depression since we have “felt like failures” about “taking care” of people that we instinctively know are sick.
3. While others leave them there to lay in their own vomit, we have hoped to help them out and in that manner, provide ourselves with a loyal partner who understands what loving, helpful people that we are.
4. Others are right.
5. We are wrong.
6. Sometimes we learn this over and over again, and I know this best. 30 years is a long time. I saw it briefly (I thought I was going insane!! to occasionally “get a glimpse” of a vampire sitting beside me, watching tv) but each time it took me more cleaning up to get rid “of it” and I actually said the following words
How do I get rid of you
Get off of me
Stay off of me
Leave me alone
Go away
What do you want from me
What do you think I owe you
Why won’t you get off my fucking back
LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. IS IT THIS?? WHY ARE YOU LETTING IT IN?
Normal people do not ENTERTAIN these ideas being thrown at them. In my case? my mom died young. In yours? a social expectation unmet. In others? a baby born while Mom wasn’t yet grown up and employed. But in each case?
My spath gave voice to it.
OF ALL TIMES TO BE HONEST, he said this:
I am a sociopath.
I like to predate
The WEAK.
So NeverAgain? SEE YOURSELF, HEAL YOURSELF, HELP US HEAL OURSELVES !!!!
AND ALL OF US
WILL BE PUKE-PROOF.
with love from N/C
xox today and always — to everyone.
Never, insofar as my personal spiritual beliefs, this is a path of learning. We have NOTHING TO GIVE except our own truth. However, it is a very healing thing if we can get up the noive to do it.
And one thing I got in spades? honey, it is
THE NOIVE. 🙂
NoContact, you are right. In my case, my ex had NO normal and healthy relationships in his life. Oh, he had people around, but at the time, I didn’t look closely. On closer examination, the relationships he had were 1) his kids and they were around either out of obligation (i.e. Father’s Day) or because he would help them out financially (he extracted a pound of flesh for that, but they were used to it), 2) his contractor neighbor who appeared to be a “friend” but was really hanging around because my ex overpaid him for shoddy remodeling work that never seemed to be finished, 3) parents and siblings that he gave an illusion of being close to but yah, not really, and 4) ghost people that he “used to” be friends with before his ex-wife turned everyone against him.
He was a complete mess, well educated and with a high powered job, but living in a neglected dump of a house with a prestigious address subsisting on froot loops and cold pizza when I met him. All his white tee shirts were grimy and stretched out. I was frankly shocked at the condition of his home (red flag! but of course it was his dead wife’s fault, he claimed she had gambled away all their money behind his back). Honestly, when I was in his house the first time, I’m sure I had a pinched look on my face like I had just stepped in dog s**t. In time, as a result of his association with me, he became well traveled, could speak intelligently about wine and food, started dressing well and expensively and fixed up his house. I was all there was to his life, UNTIL he used those new “skills” to “date” other women. Essentially, they were dating ME.
The only reason I even had a passing conversation with this guy was because his wife died of cancer and I volunteered to represent our department at the memorial service because our mutual boss couldn’t be bothered and I thought it was the right thing to do. My compassion extended to offering to have lunch with him and the next thing I knew, I was overlooking EVERYTHING and I had a parasite attached to me.
Do I wish I taken one look at the train wreck he was and left him in his own vomit? OH, HELL YES.
I am not proud of choking down all those red flags, but thanks to Sandra Brown I know now what it was about me that put me in danger and boy howdy, this will never happen to me again.
neveragain51
Sociopaths offend me.
Love affirms my vision of the purpose of life.
But I do confess, I thought you were male, with a male girlfriend. Thus, “husband” confused me. My non-response was because I was not shocked, but because you had already answered my curiosity. That and it’s not bitter cold today so I finally got out and did some yardwork!
I see you got trapped by a pity play of “everyone leaves me”. It was one of the many pity plays by my ex. I was annoyed at his “ex’s” that they were so shallow and didn’t stick around to appreciate him. The joke was on me. HE was the shallow one and they left him because he was unfaithful and degraded them. Eventually I became another who “left” the “poor misunderstood” man… mostly because if I didn’t leave, I would have been dead.
Dear Not, sure, rub it in. I am SHIVERING out here, it is the PITS and icicles are hanging off my roof. And I mean the size that would knock ya out (or worse) ha ha. Yes I DID try taking the broom to them!!! but they are WAY THICKER THAN THE BROOM!!!! 🙂
enjoy the day, dear. xox nc
Neveragain
No silence is not intentional on LF but I understand you’re paranoia as I’ve defaulted to that exact feeling myself sometimes…
Sorry but I’ve been away all weekend and it’s taken 2 hours of reading and responding to work up the list of email notifications I’ve got to get to this thread.
I’m not shocked! I knew…or assumed… maybe because I read between the lines, you’ve actually been quite open to the possibility of your confession during your entire interaction with us here – I’m sure I’m not the only one that knew or suspected.
Bring it on I say!
*not should not be there! I mean we don’t intend to ignore!!!!
This too shall pass
Yes, they will never validate , recognize it empathize with the pain they cause. They are not capable of doing that. The best thing you can do is stay no contact. Now , after almost 2 years of staying no contact I can see the change in me. I don’t think about him anymore, what he is doing , who he is dating, where he works , where hd lives . He is dead to me. And only exists for paying me the court ordered alimony, nothing else.
There was an aha moment for me and from then on I got better. I did not mourn the loss if my marriage, the loss of many things I had with him anymore. I was able to focus on today. The past is gone and the future is unknown. Focus on today. My silence was my closure and my last word to him. For the rest of my life I refuse to communicate with the devil. He can poke and try and cry and whine. He will get no where.
By the way…Nocontact….a horse?????? (smile)
You guys don’t get that song, do you?
It really is
ALL about that BASS!!!!!!
🙂
Even more specifically??
ANY BASS!!!
🙂
No contact
Really a horse ? Thanks for the laugh.
Never
That’s the nice thing about us here. We don’t judge anybody. It is difficult to recover from the wounds they caused. And they will always be wounds somehow, even if they turned into scars. Especially sharing a child makes it difficult to completely heal. Just today I received a note in the mail saying that I am to blame for the failure of my marriage. Before I would get shaky, upset and sad. Now I laugh about how pathetic he is. I just file note away. I usually don’t even read his crap. He is upset that he must pay me alimony. He must deal with it. You reap what you sow.