UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
You are so hilarious. Thanks for a good laugh. I feel the same. I don’t like my people and co workers ask “why don’t you have a boyfriend “? It gets so much on my nerves. Because I am happy now. They can never understand what we went through.
kaya, hanalei and all —
In regard to Getting Another Man.
There is such a great line in the movie Raising Arizona. The guy’s two friends have broken out of jail and found him with a baby and a new wife. They are puzzled…?….by his attitude…? and ask…?? (I am pulling this directly from a website of quotes)
you’re young and you got your health, what you want with a job?
Jenna, you’re a classic domestic abuse victim, not just a spath victim. Have you ever tried calling a domestic violence support hotline? IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DO. HE HURT YOU. IT IS OK TO FEEL HURT in fact, if I came to you with a missing leg and a smile on my face, wouldn’t you think that was pretty ODD?
NoContact, believe me, if my cats liked an occasional jaunt to the islands and to go out for a little flamenco guitar and tapas once in awhile, I’d be all set.
Now Hanalei? THAT IS JUST SICK.
HAH HA HA HA HA HA !!!
Just teasing, the flamenco sounds like the Bomb. 🙂
In other words dear — you may have missed an important step in your healing?
You have dived right into WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM and WHY HE HAS DONE THIS (and sounds like he is winding up to do it some more) TO YOU.
YOU HAVE SPENT NO TIME AT THE FIRST ISSUE !!!
IT IS
1. HE HURT ME. I AM HURT. I FEEL DAMAGED.
only after you realize that is priority 1
SHOULD YOU EVEN GIVE A CRAP ABOUT NUMBER 2. IT IS
2. WHY THE HECK WOULD SOMEBODY DO THIS TO ANYBODY, LET ALONE ME PERSONALLY?? AND THEN
3. IS ANYBODY SAFE IN MY FAMILY ?????? AT THE STORE ????? AT THE HOSPITAL WHERE i WORK ????
4. IT is NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU FEEL AS YOU DO!!
5. IT IS TOTALLY HEALTHY TO FEEL THAT WAY.
6. I WILL KEEP BUGGING YOU TO MAKE A POLICEI REPORT, HA HA.
FAIRY GODMOTHER HERE, GO INTO YOUR ROOM AND TURN ON THE STEREO TOO LOUD FOR ANYONE ELSE TO HEAR YOU. ASK THE POLICE TO MEET YOU SOMEPLACE ELSE, YOU WANT TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT A MAN THAT YOU USED TO DATE.
DO IT, JENNA.
THAT DUDE JUST DOES NOT BELONG OUT THERE, AND YOUR CONSCIENCE KNOWS IT. HE HURT YOU SO BAD!!!!! THAT YOU JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
WE DO.
Jenna, stalking consists of a SERIES OF POLICE REPORTS. MAKE EVERY EVERY EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!
And TELL THEM, I AM SO HURT BY THIS MAN.
YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO VICTIM BENEFITS IN THE STATE AND WHY ???
JENNA< I KNOW WHERE THAT ROAD LEADS AND WILL FLY OUTTA YOUR COMPUTER BEFORE I WILL LET YOU GO THERE.
I HAVE BEEN THERE.
IT IS A LIVING HELL FROM WHICH YOU WILL NEVER
E-S-C-A-P-E.
Jenna, I am very very proud of you, and I do understand how much Fear is involved.
But — that is the very reason that you need to act Now. You do NOT need to come home and find your mother crying or something. You need to GET THAT MONSTER AWAY FROM YOUR HOME.
He is a MENACE. WHAT IS IWRONG HAS NEVER BEEN YOU.
If the police were JERKS last time? try another one. Call the Sargent and get the last guy in trouble. And DO see a lawyer, HE CAUSED DAMAGES TO YOUR NECK not to mention your heart.
I would have TOTALLY sued my perp — if it had not been essentially suing myself — or my kids — oh my Lord. PRAISE LORD!! he did not entrap you into the REST of your life.
But he WILL, trust me he WILL if he CAN !!!!
SO yeah — think of it as protecting your neighbors. You don’t need him to do ANYTHING MORE to SHOW YOU that he is an ugly psychotic person. No mo hangin around your HOME, that is more stress than ANYone should have to endure. A court will give you a protective order — AND YOU NEED IT.
Then if he has the balls to come around and retaliate against you, say something about you that you heard about later??? HONEY I WILL BOTHER AND NAG YOU ABOUT REPORTING THAT AS WELL. THESE ARE LETHAL ATTACKS AND AS EVIDENCE??
LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
YOU ARE HIS VICTIM, make it STOP. As I said? one of these days, his circle of VICTIMS may include YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS and other contacts that you need a WHOLE lot more than you EVER needed any man ….
much less than THAT awful little man. Just think of all the women out there you’re saving just as we had so much wished that someone would have saved us.
xox very proud of you, KEEP GOING, I KNOW IT IS HARD. n/c
Jenna, you have a constitutional first amendment right to say whatever the hell you want.
Was your intent to DAMAGE him? or to PROTECT THOSE WOMEN?
The Court is NOT AS STUPID as he wants YOU TO THINK.
Just as OUR stories sound familiar?? the Court hears them ALL DAY LONG.
Actually Jenna? after hearing your more specific account of what the atty’s letter said?
IT IS CRITICAL THAT YOU STRIKE FIRST.
So — do you smoke and need some, or something?
IT WOULD BE BEST FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR CELL PHONE AND CALL THE POLICE. STRIKE FIRST, JENNA!!! DO NOT LET HIM MANEUVER YOU INTO LOOKING LIKE THE ABUSER.
Also Jenna IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW you will not look weird but if you WAIT, you surely will.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO CALL NOW and say ….l I got this weird letter and it really bothers me, I talked to my counselor about it and checked with my online support group
AND NOW I AM CALLING YOU.
Jenna, let me ask you something?
HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE ????
that he has not hurt someone else and is now looking to INTIMIDATE YOU into not being a witness to that CRIME?
YOU DON’T.
But I personally? would not be surprised and if you really think about it? YOU ARE NOT SURPRISED TO CONSIDER THAT IDEA EITHER, ARE YOU? NOPE, IT IS JUST THE SORT OF THING THAT JERK WOULD DO. HURT SOME OTHER WOMAN!! and let me know to SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT HE DID TO ME.
INTIMIDATION?? why would I need to ask you to SHUT UP ??? Right, because you know something I do not want you to SAY.
DO IT JENNA, WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE HE HAS DONE. BUT I CAN TELL YOU FOR SURE!!!!!!! from the behavior you have described? you are NOT HIS ONLY OR HIS FIRST VICTIM. It takes a certain kind of person who is physically and mentally capable of dragging a woman across a floor. It is a LEARNED BEHAVIOR and NOT A SPONTANEOUS THING.
KEEP YOUR MIND ON THE NEXT VICTIM !!!!!! and HAVE COURAGE !!!!!! HERE IS MINE, I AM SORRY IT IS SO LITTLE BUT IT COMES WITH ALL MY HEART TO YOU, JENNA DEAR.
Nocontact
It’s really hard to find the thread to respond to your advice to jenna! These comments are all out of whack from my end? Maybe a bit like myself…lol like attracts like energy! 😉
Anyway, somewhere on here, you mentioned that Jenna might be being made to shut up so the S can avoid her as a witness against him for anything he may have recently done. OMG! Nail on the head and thanks for posting that scenario because you might have just driven me to the police station! The last letter I read from the creepy psycho stalker said something that gave me the impression that he was covering his tracks. At first I just wrote it in my diary and moved to the next disaster but now I’m not so sure that I should have just pushed the idea out of my mind – I’m filing a police report today!
under, IT Does not MATTER WHERE IT WAS< YOU HIT IT RIGHT ON TARGET!! and TAKE MY COURAGE AND LOVE ALONG WITH YOU, MAKE THAT CALL.
DO NOT THINK ABOUTO IT BEING YOU.
THINK ABOUT IT BEING ME.
PLEASE HELP ME, UNDER THE RADAR!!! PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THAT STALKING EVIL MONSTER!!!! HE WANTS ONLY TO KILL ME AND I SEE HIM HUNTING ME EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I CANNOT BREATHE.
GOD WILL SEE YOUR EFFORTS! AND IT WILL COME AROUND, SOMEDAY IF NOT TODAY. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE TO SEE!!! IT WILL COME AROUND. IT WILL COME AROUND. OUR PAIN IS NOT FOR NOTHING, NOR IN VAIN.
TRUST AND BELIEVE!!! THAT GOD WILL MAKE IT ALL UP TO US. IF ONLY WE WILL DO OUR OWN PARTS? HITLER WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ANNIHILATE ANOTHER COUNTRY, IT IS OUR OWN AND WE DEMAND IT NOW.
Thanks to everyone who responded! I did not feel safe enough initially to fully share, but my trust has built to the point where I know that this is a safe forum. So now you know that I am female, married to a male, and my “friend” was female. No more guessing! ha!
oh hell, I thought it was going to be scandalous news or something. you know: a Monica Lewinski dress or something. sheesh, what a letdown. 🙂
In the middle
How about talking to your HR department , telling them and confiding what’s going on. Surely after 21 years for you being there they would understand. How about transfer to a different department. When my ex threatened to have me fired , I talked to my director and told him what my ex was capable of being a cop. The director talked to HR And they were 100 percent supportive. Fortunately it was stupid threats he created.
But there is no way you can work along with him and get better. Please take care of yourself, can you use a sexual harrassment claim against him at work ?
You know what I can’t stop thinking about today?
Out of all things, the haughtiness of my ex’s posture. He’s not a tall man, on the short side in fact (he hated tall men and silently berated women who preferred tall men), yet his body posture was so stiff and so unnaturally confident. I always thought it was strange. He was stiff even when being kind to friends, laughing larger than life and the life of the party.
I couldn’t stand watching him walk. We talked in length about getting married and once while parked in his car I watched him walk into a grocery store to grab something and I thought to myself, “I’m going to have to watch that walk for the rest of my life if I marry him.”
I hated the way he walked in front of me when we were in a crowded place or street. It was like I didn’t exist. If someone blocked me or if I needed to wait for a family with luggage in an airport, he would just keep walking. He wouldn’t even notice for the longest time that I wasn’t by his side. And when he did notice he would look annoyed and even mock me for not paying attention or keeping up.
His posture, his walk, his almighty…I do not miss and never will.
Thistooshallpass, that’s so weird, because my ex always walked BEHIND me. He said that he wanted to keep an eye on me and know I was “safe”. Because of this, I could never have a conversation with him and it made me feel like I was alone, instead of with him. I was constantly looking back over my shoulder, like I was afraid he’d disappear.
I’m sure there was some nefarious reason behind him doing this.
Hm, that is weird. Think about it…you having to look behind, me having to plow people over to keep up (which isn’t in my nature) so that we would know they’re still there. Even in walking they had to be the center of attention. And in their walking, they were also saying “Better pay attention or you’ll lose me!”
How much more controlling can one get? It’s ridiculous yet made us feel like crap. All part of the plan/mind games, I’m sure.
Thistooshallpass, like you, I don’t miss anything.
Right now, I’m listening to my favorite music (which he didn’t like), have a pan of chicken enchiladas in the oven, have a Netflix movie to watch, and I don’t have to worry about falling asleep when I feel like it because he’ll be irked because he didn’t get sex (and the ensuing crappy Sunday).
Bliss.
I love your bliss!
I’m cooking and watching a movie as well. I’ve been under the weather and wanted to get out today to clear my head, which didn’t happen. What did happen however, is I realized how nice it is to be in my house, alone, doing whatever I want to do and whenever I want to do it. He occupied so much of my time and wore me down. Me time has always been essential to me. I finally have that back!
We are enjoying the things we want and for us alone! Good for us. 🙂
Thistooshallpass and Hanalei
The walk! Hmmm… I came to believe that my S wanted to appear as though he was alone because I’d watch him pump up his chest when he saw a young girl and having me swing off him cramped his single appearance 🙁
This too shall pass
How interesting how he walked. Exactly how my ex walked. Always, and I mean at all times , he walked way ahead of me. Like I never existed or belonged with him . I always blamed myself. Maybe I am not pretty/skinny enough fof him to acknowledge me. Now I know it had nothing to do with me. It was HIM AND HIM ONLY. HIM AND HIM ONLY WHO LIED AND CHEATED.
I was invisible to him. The entire marriage I was in the background. He made me feel that I was not worthy enough to attend certain functions with the army. Later with the police dept. often I was asked “oh, I didn’t know Sgt ****** has a wife and family.” When I asked my ex about it , he said “they don’t need to know “. How not normal this was I was never aware of until after the discard.
He also thought he was so much better than everyone. I just laughed today about one of his latest letters. “All you care about is money”. Ha, absolutely , I only care about the monthly amount he sends me. Nothing else. I guess he spoke the truth for once. Everything else was/is lies. Of course I dont respond.
Like you there is nothing I miss about him. NOTHING.
Kaya48,
He didn’t even bother to tell people he worked with that he was married?? So hard to believe. Actually, not so hard to believe. A NORMAL person would never even think to hold that information back. “Who, me? A wife?” Oh, that’s no big deal. What the hell???
It’s all in the walk.
Kaya
Para-military spaths! They are all the same! Mine would hide good clothes in his police car and leave in his uniform to go to functions without me. I was never allowed to see his roster so I never thought he was doing anything other than working. I remember once someone I’d never met telling me about meeting my husband at a recent wedding, they were certain it was him and I went back through my diary and he was supposed to have been at work that day. That was one of the things that started my private investigation of him, although I was suspicious (diary entries to avoid confusion).
Another time, his colleague was nervous when I called to invite him and his wife to my spaths 50th. I’ll never forget the reaction to my call and how he softened after I invited him – these people from his team were nothing to the S to my face but as he’d worked so closely with them I thought it would be nice to surprise him – I was the one that ended up surprised! Everything fell into place after his entire team turned up at my house for his party, without their invited wives and proceeded to get drunk and try to get onto every woman at the party – ummm hello! This is what your husband does behind your back under!
To all my friends here.
This is my weekly prayer for you:
“Dear my God, I thank you for the week that is ahead. I know you will be with me every step of the way. Please give me strength, wisdom and guidance. Help me to be a blessing to others as You are to me.”
Amen, Kaya, and the same to you.
Please do keep me and my family in your prayers this week.
It has become quite Heated here, I am alone at it except for yourselves, and I dearly love you !!! and am prepared for Real Life.
xox N/C
Thanks, Kaya! xoxo
I was just thinking how awesome it would be for all of us to meet in person in a central location one day. We all have so much in common. We could make it a weekend retreat. 🙂
How about that little café just outside the gates of hell? We can wait for the others who are still clawing their way through to the exit…
NoMoreWool!!!!!! THANK YOU!!~!!!!!!!! I NEEDED THAT< HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
"that is no ordinary bunny." YEAH, WE GET THAT NOW.
Just our luck, we are at the cafe and NO HOLY HAND GRENADE! I swear, this troop of psychos really do think they are King Arthur Himself, riding invisible horses and clankingi coconut shells to make the clatter of hootbeats. Neigh Neigh ! Oh I’m sorry… HEY! here is an idea!
has anyone tried screaming NEE at them?? maybe they will collapse. 🙂
I have to thank you for your response to me and thank you for your little comment about the cafe, outstanding. I never realized how hard this road was going to be. It has a lot of nasty prickly bushes along the way. I want so bad to be an overcomer from this. I want to be able to sit still with myself without anyone else and be ok with it. Not to be depressed anymore, sad about my very life. I hope I can find a better counselor versed in the makings and trappings of a Spath.
“I want to be able to sit still with myself without anyone else and be ok with it.”
YES, this is exactly what I have been telling you. LOVE YOURSELF. That is the greatest armor you can wear against a sociopath, with knowledge as your shield. The sociopaths I have encountered CANNOT be still with themselves and so have to try to destroy our ability to be still with ourselves as well.
You are looking in the right direction. Don’t let some prickly bushes keep you from getting to the café.
So many things to say, just from 15 hours ago! I should not be surprised that I expressed such openness about eventually sharing my story. I have been told before, in not so many words, that I have a tendency towards transparency. But that’s OK, I am not offended because it is who I am. I loved the comment that we should stop giving a crap about them (our spaths). That’s the kind of direct honesty that is very helpful. It’s like the therapist that once told me that I like to think of myself as a victim. It hurt to hear it but I realized that I shared and must accept some responsibility for saying “yes” when I should have said “no,” so I don’t have the luxury of crying victim and gathering the reward of others’ sympathy. Some of the folks here have experienced some very difficult situations. I cannot even phantom the experience of being dragged across the garage floor naked! I don’t have the experience to that kind of trauma in a truly understanding way except to say how very sorry that I am to hear it. We opened ourselves up by believing the relationship before our eyes would be a NORMAL one, and the results were disastrous. I also like the idea of us all getting together, however our anonymity is what provided this safe environment and open sharing and fast friendships. I am very grateful for all of you wonderful folks out there. You have helped me more than family, friends, and therapists combined…because you truly understand. I hope that I can give back a portion of what I have received from you. And finally, those who commented about filing the police report are absolutely right! We have gotten where we are because we were willing to put ourselves, our finances, our safety, OUR RIGHTS, aside for someone else. It’s the easiest thing in the world for us to do. it feels selfless and we don’t even have to consciously think about it to act on it. But if it were our children…or our parents…or our friends….we might have a different reaction…like a mother tiger protecting her young! So do not sit on your circumstances and ponder your next step….FILE that police report to protect those who may be under your radar but next in line for abuse. Do it for THEM! Your post reminded me of some of my path’s lies when the truth was staring me in the face, literally. She would show up where I was, in the grocery store, and tell me she came alone when her partner was sitting by the front door, apparently waiting for someone! Her explanation….coincidence. RIGHT!
Neveragain-
I’ve responded to your post, but because folks mentioned that things seemed out of order, I’ve added it as a comment down below.
Joyce
Neveragain, I’m so glad that Joyce responded to you before I had a chance to, because she said exactly what I was thinking, and said it much more eloquently than I every could have. She is 100% correct.
Thanks HM-
And just for clarity, because folks mentioned it was hard to follow the thread, I moved my response and created it as a comment down below.
Hoping all is well with you!
Joyce
Hanalei Joyce and Neveragain
I also 2nd Hanalei’s comments as Joyce is “God” to so many of us on here. The wisdom that Joyce has passed onto me has been so valuable in my healing, sometimes it’s taken a lot longer than I’d like but her words have always stayed with me until they’ve sunk in.
Being the victim is a new age thing and I’m also not sure it’s the right way to approach a subject – whether it was 30 years ago or yesterday. It implies that we are powerless or weak, yet it is the truth. We couldn’t have done this any other way! We got caught in a loop of traumatic experiences that escalated and we were victims of the treatment by the illusion they created.
What I’m trying to say is that until Joyce put forward her advice about victimization I didn’t realize how much I was trying to avoid the fact that I am the victim in this disaster and it is ok to feel ripped off and hurt.
Thanks girls xo
Under-
I’m truly honored by your comment!
Unfortunately, we innately respond to the word “victim” as if we’ve done something wrong, when, in fact, the wrong was done to us. Once we can put that pain into perspective, and place the blame squarely where it belongs, we can recover our dignity, and become survivors!
All the best!
Joyce
Thank you, Joyce, for your in-depth answer. The therapist who said that to me said it almost 3 decades ago about my first husband; however taking it to heart for all this time has probably not done me good as I have obviously not healed because I found more sociopaths to befriend. I have signed your petition, and I appreciate your explanation. You are right, I didn’t want to think I was a victim because that implies weakness and loss of control, and a part of me needed to think that there would have been SOMETHING I could have done to prevent it. But your point is well taken. If we cannot see the trees in the forest, then how do we know there is a forest there? We cannot protect ourselves against something that we do not recognize….or even know exists! I absolutely HATE that I was so unprepared! I HATE that no one…schools, family, friends, NO ONE stepped up to educate us children so that we would have the tools to protect ourselves. Yes, I am angry that I was “allowed” to go out into the world without the knowledge that I needed to save myself…and that I put my complete trust in one that would hurt me (and my children)…my HUSBAND…at the young age of 18. Why aren’t children prepared? Why is this world of evil people so secret? This is as important as saving for retirement and balancing a checkbook! And why aren’t women, who have the tendency to be trusting and demure, taught to defend themselves? Oh yes…I am angry NOW!
Never-
I know you’ll see the humor in this!
I wrote my book to put a name to this crime so that people can talk about it, heal from it, and create laws to stop it. When Assemblyman Singleton stepped up to create the NJ law, I was absolutely beside myself with joy!
So now, society is beginning to get the picture, and a discussion has begun. And they are relating to it in all kinds of funny, sometimes insulting, and sometimes just plain crazy ways! But that’s just part of the journey toward recognition and acceptance.
Yesterday, I noticed an op ed piece disclosing that the writer’s son had learned, in his NJ health class, that the teacher read about the pending law and told his students they could be jailed if they lied to someone to induce sex. Of course his take was that his adolescent son didn’t need to know that. He also went on to say that it’s a useless law because you can’t reform sociopaths.
I responded to the man and said it was unfortunate that instead of focusing on the abhorrent nature of the crime, and the loss victims sustain, the teacher belittled the consequences. And I reminded the man that punishing offenders wasn’t about reformation, but rather about justice for the victim, and removing predators from society so they can’t continue to harm others.
Little by little, discussion is beginning to take place. And I’d appreciate every reader of http://www.StopRapeByFraud and every follower of LoveFraud to weigh-in whenever you see the absurd responses we get in discussions of this crime on internet media.
Joyce
Joyce
Big news bulletin last week about our first case of “love fraud” being tried and won in Australia last week! I only caught the last of it so don’t know all the details yet but I’ll be discussing it with my solicitor so I’ll keep you posted 🙂
How fabulous! I’d heard about the case of rape by fraud in Canberra in which a “sex worker” was tricked into engaging in sex without getting paid. I’m amazed and delighted that the authorities sought justice for this woman. Her case can be found on the “Cads in the News” page of my blog… http://www.StopRapeByFraud.
BTW, there’s currently a case in India in which the offender was jailed. He’s a world-class cricket player who was on his way to playing in the World Cup. Now he’s a world class alleged “con artist” awaiting trial.
Please let me know if there’s another case that’s come up in Australia.
Best-
Joyce
Again Joyce you are a step ahead and onto it before me – please don’t ever leave us!
Hugs 🙂
Under-
Just wanted to make sure you’re aware of what is and isn’t a crime since you were under the impression that “Lovefraud” is a crime. “LoveFraud” could be considered the tort of “emotional distress.” But here lies the problem…. Cases of emotional distress rarely get results unless physical harm takes place and the person shows evidence of injuries.
“Lovefraud” undermines the victim’s highest emotion which is love. It is generically termed “emotional rape.” Since it’s not a physical act, it does not rise to the level of a “crime,” unless it embroils the person in the loss of something beyond their emotions…. like money or sex.
When a fraud is used to induce sex, the crime of rape by fraud, not seduction is occurring. The problem is that this behavior is only prosecuted in a handful of states.
What I’m endeavoring to do is to make rape by fraud, also known as sexual assault by fraud or sexual misconduct by fraud, recognized and punished throughout the US, and beyond.
The current bill in NJ on sexual assault by fraud is one such attempt. I’m working toward the same end in other states as well.
If anyone has not signed the change.org petition to support this law, please do so by clicking on this link: http://chn.ge/1JOOCes You do not need to live in NJ for your voice to count.
To all of you who have signed, you have my heartfelt gratitude.
Joyce
Joyce, I would like to touch up your post just a little bit, please.
Depending on state law where you live, the court may have adopted case law whereby your emotional injuries are recognized as actionable because they have resulted in physical manifestations that are actionable under the law of that state.
Joyce, I am set for a hearing tomorrow and feel my murdering spath will be in hand with law enforcement. At that point having lost everything else? i will put my skinny shoulders to this wheel and HARD. I have been working in my state all of this time and I have the Fastest Email Fingers In The West and the NOIVE to hit the Send button on multiple cc’s to the governor, the bureau of investigations, and every single elected official involved.
IN THE MURDER OF MY OWN LIFE.
I am a homicide victim. It’s just that — my body is still here typing. Like a Zombie, and the fingers (they play piano too) are apparently> going to die last. GOOD FOR THEM. My voice is gone but my fingers — please hear them ROAR.
Without revealing the state I am in for safety reasons, Joyce, here is what I mean.
1. You are playing a slot machine and beside you is a very small child. While you are looking at him play you are astounded and horrified to see the slot machine next to the child, tip off and crush him.
NOT ACTIONABLE. You are in no danger yourself. Yes you cannot sleep again. But NO DAMAGES HERE ARE ACTIONABLE IN MY PARTICULAR STATE. It is called the Bystander Injury — itr may be actionable where you live, after all — the slot machine that crushed the child was not secured and you watched him get hurt. Now YOU are hurt.
2. The slot machine comeos over on YOU and the child.
ACTIONABLE.
You COULD have been hurt. If YOU can no longer sleep because you were in the ZONE OF DANGER (this is a legal doctrine that is identified differently throughout the states) and you COULD HAVE BEEN PHYSICALLY HURT? then the fact that you were not, does NOT prohibit you from suing for the headaches, sleepless nights and other injuries resulting from YOUR EXPOSURE TO PHYSICAL DANGER whether you were hurt in excess of your resulting emotionally-charged headaches — or not.
These are complicated issues, being litigated every single day throughout the USA and no doubt worldwide as well. It is very damaging to SEE an injury or to be EXPOSED to one as well. Whether you have a bruise later? OR NOT.
If we think of these issues from the Court and Legislature perspective, the issue comes down to these factors:
1. How many people get their feelings hurt every single day?
2. If we make this actionable, our courts will be filled with litigants complaining that the other party intentionally hurt their feelings. Or defrauded them into what our statutes here call “a promise to marry” meaning, she was a virgin before the engagement and is “no longer intact” for the next prospect. This is not actionable here but might be in your state already, btw, and also a marriage through fraud is subject also to annulment throughout most of the usa.
3. How can we distinguish Hurt Feelings from the VALID COMPLAINTS of people who were in an aircrash and just happened to escape without being physically injured? They have heard people scream, listened to them burn! and a jury will and HAS awarded them money for the damages associated with the fact that they will always wake up screaming and with nightmares about being able to rescue the woman besidie them in that plane.
ZONE OF PHYSICAL DANGER controls the ability to recover for EMOTIONAL DISTRESS DAMAGES in my state. The “Restatement of Torts” is a legal doctrine documenting the progress of the judiciary’s and respective legislators’ thinking on this topic. The claims obviously exist. Keeping the Courts active without filling them to the brim, is the whole objective for our SYSTEM. I suspect the same is true throughout the whole world.
If we could simply make a claim for emotional damages without being within a Zone of Danger, then every one of us who watched the towers fall on 9/11 would have a claim. This is to be distinguished from those ON THE GROUND subject to falling debris. We all walked away but SOME of us have sustained damages that ARE ACTIONABLE because of WHERE WE WERE when the damaging event occurred and specifically, whether or not we were within the ZONE OF DANGER.
In these cases? that zone of danger is ESTABLISHED. Nobody can rape you, over the tv.
So the Long and Short of it, Joyce, is that I do have an actionable claim against my spath.
Suing him however, sues my children and their property rights going ahead.
Otherwise? I would not have to make case law here, it is already There. What is necessary is for VICTIMS to FIND THE NOIVE.
Freedom
I agree… I haven’t used algebra or trigonometry since I left school! I had to actively seek out the answers to my “life” questions and then it took decades only to come up against another brick wall.
Your counselor really got up my nose though! I see them as empaths so why the hell isn’t she/he choosing the words that empower you? “Textbook” trained people don’t make them good at their job! I went out of my way to learn without a degree – “Words are the least purveyor of truth!” Conversations with God book 1. I read it several times looking for a contradiction but couldn’t find one. The wisdom of that series stayed with me because, even if it wasn’t a conversation with God, it was a nicer way to live and think 🙂
I have another counselor i see on wed maybe I will make her my primary instead. I am now thinking of the things my counselor has said to me and maybe that is why i am not getting any better. I may need to see someone else. I was upset too on sunday as she was txting someone during our session. I was asking her about being on meds and when she was done txting she didnt even ans me. Then she said our time was up. I dont like that. and she said that I need to stop playing and seeing myself as the victim. Is that right?
inthemiddleofheartache, your therapist should not be texting during your session. In fact, their phone shouldn’t be anywhere to be seen. This is NOT right. Please also be aware that not all therapists are licensed to prescribe meds, and if they are not, they will be able to refer your to someone who can. (My therapist could not, but her office mate could, and she referred me to her for one appointment.) You definitely want to be on firm footing with a therapist if you start taking meds, as some of them can be addictive.
Many here have commented that they had to go to a number of therapists before they found the right one. I was lucky and found the right one on the first try. On the other hand, please know that it does take a few visits to know if you are working with the right person, so be aware of that so that you don’t start therapist hopping”this will not help you get better either.
We need to be savvy consumers with therapists as with anything else. I’m not sure why you are seeing two therapists but if you are, please make sure they know about each other. You want to get the best care possible. It WILL make a difference.
The other therapist works with my group divorce care since i just got divorced. I didnt realize about my current therapist until today reading what Joyce said about a therapist who states you are acting and playing a victim. I am a victim by my ex husband and by the NP. I didnt ask for or choose they do this to me and yes i was unhealthy when i got involved with them but it didnt make it ok for what they did to me. I wont be jumping from person to person. I am not like that. It was hard enough to open up to this one. I appreciate your comments that is why i was asking her if I should go on meds. And her phone this isnt the first time either she has done it before i just never thought i was allowed or should say anything.
Inthemiddleofheartache, you are paying for her services and so your hour is your hour. She should be focused on you for that time and not distracted by anything else. She should be attending to other business on her own time, or between appointments.
Of course you are allowed to comment and expect her to be a professional and be present for you during your session.
If you are going to be seeing her again, I’d suggest that you discuss this issue with her before your next appointment. In fact, text her. I’m sure she’ll be happy to respond when she’s in an appointment with someone else. Sorry I’m being catty but I can’t even BELIEVE the level of unprofessionalism for a therapist to be texting during your session. I never cease to be amazed.
Maybe your divorce therapist can recommend a good personal therapist for you.
In the middle-
Doctors can prescribe medication. Therapists, who are PhD’s, can’t. Often they’re psychologists, Social Workers or studied in other related areas. They would need support from a Psychiatrist or MD to prescribe meds for you.
Psychiatrists, who are medical doctors, may not be on top of treatment for cognitive intervention that could help with PTSD or situational depression.
I’m neither a therapist nor a medical professional. But in dealing time and time again with loads of folks who battle depression caused by rape by fraud, I find that providing them with specific ways of boxing up their sorrow, creating a realistic plan to get them out of their bed and back into the universe, and letting them know they are absolutely 100% justified in the pain they feel, can help them recover.
If your therapist is focusing on what about you made you a victim, like how your childhood lead you to believe the a–hole who harmed you, I’d be looking for someone with a more hands-on approach to getting your life back on track. You need someone who understands what a sociopath is and deals with recovery in a knowledgeable way.
You believed a sociopath because they’re extremely believable, and thinking that you somehow did this to yourself in not going to make you feel safe again.
Here’s what will…
Stop blaming yourself.
Get a therapist who understands sociopathic relationships
If you need it, get medication, don’t be ashamed, you have been traumatized.
Eat well, sleep well, get exercise. You need to raise your endorfin levels.
NC- Don’t give that creep more space in your brain.(Harder to do if you have kids together.)
Force yourself out the door doing things you enjoy doing. Put joy back in your life!
Read everything knowledgeable people write about relationships with sociopaths.
Trust that if this ever happens to you again, you will be unhappy and angry, but you will not die from it! You will figure it out faster and with less damage. You are a survivor!
People ask me, “Aren’t you just scaring the pants off the victim telling them it could happen again?”
One of the most crushing parts of this trauma is your loss of trust in yourself and your own judgement. Recognizing you’ve survived an insidious type of rape, which is a form of death, and you could survive it again, can help you feel more secure in the world.
Now you know that socipaths exist. You’ll be smarter about who and what you believe in the future.
A good therapist will enable to see that you were a victim, and help you gain the resolve to become a survivor. Making you feel culpable in your own demise is A. wrong and B. not a solution.
All the best!
Joyce
Neveragain-
I’m posting this here to try to restore order for this thread that seems to have lost its way…
Respectfully, I have to differ with your therapist, because it would be sad for victims to think what she said has merit”.. I’m sure you don’t LIKE to think of yourself as a victim. But simply put, you think of yourself as a victim because you were a victim.
Victim blaming takes many insidious forms, and that’s one of them.
It would have been better if she had said, “You need to stop thinking about having been victimized because doing so is preventing you from moving forward.”
She should also have told you that people don’t like to hear that you were a victim. That is why sympathy is difficult to come by. It makes them feel vulnerable. If you could be victimized, so could they.
And the concept that YOU should have said “NO” when you said “Yes” is another prime example of victim blame.
You said “yes” because someone played with the brain chemistry that Mother Nature gave you in order for you to couple. Get angry, not guilty. Understand that horrid people exist that will undermine you that way. You didn’t know they existed. Now you do.
Everyone who went through a sexual relationship based on a hoax was raped. Indeed, our friend who was dragged naked across the garage floor was violently raped. The rapist who harmed you used a different tool to rape you”. fraud. Your sense of defilement and anger is perfectly justified. And you are entitled to feel like a victim.
Instead of couching recovery in terms of “allowing ourselves to be violated,” they should focus on the fact that what we allowed was for ourselves to be loved. The fact that the offender misused our interest in being loved to defile us is on them, not us. And we need to find a place in our brain where we can feel safe again.
Socrates made a wonderful comment about what he called “sex by persuasion.” He stated that unlike violent rape in which there is a recognizable villain, rape by fraud undermines the “character” of the victim. And here’s why”.
When you walk down the street and someone robs you of your pocketbook, you don’t blame yourself for walking down the street. But victims who are defrauded of their valuables feel culpable in their own demise. And others also feel they are culpable. Fraud is an insidious tool.
In order to be social beings, we need a sense of being able to protect ourselves from harm. If someone hurts you, you go down the block to the company of other folks who you can trust. You get away from that person who harmed you.
But when we are defrauded, the person we can no longer trust is ourself and our own judgement. And when our own judgement led to our being raped, the sense of not being able to protect ourself is disempowering and defiling. We can’t go down the street and find protection from ourself. Our sense of vulnerability is pervasive.
It is absolutely essential for people who are defrauded of sex to understand:
1. You have been raped
2. You have been tricked
3. You need to comprehend that bad people exist who do this
4. Now that you know, you can be wiser and protect yourself from them in the future.
There is a very important law pending in NJ. It is the most crucial step we all can take to open society’s eyes and make this crime stop! Please sign the change.org petition today to STOP RAPE BY FRAUD! http://chn.ge/1t7FZJu. And tell everyone you know to sign it too!
Rape by Fraud is a crime. Society needs to know. They will if we tell them! Please sign the petition, today!
Joyce
Joyce, thank you so much for posting that. I was at my counselors office yest and she said i need to stop looking at myself as a victim that i made the choice. I didnt even think twice as i did decided to involve myself with my NP. I work with him and I should have stayed away. Even though he played me i still was blaming myself.
However, i will not do this again. I will not allow someone to take my emotions and do this to me again.
And to qualify with everyone. I work at a fire department with 2 stations with 30 or so people. I cant get transferred and we do not have a HR department. If i even tell anyone the storm that it would cause. Just like the police dept the fire dept behaves the same way. I need the job to pay for the health insurance as my daughter has a disease she needs treatments for every 9 weeks. I am looking for another job but the opportunities for when you are in your 40’s dont exist as easy.
The NP did not work at my station. He just got transferred in jan. Transfers are not easy as the shifts they work make it very hard. I am not working as a Ffighter. So it is very difficult for me to get transferred. He would have to ask and he he is not going to bcs his best buddy works where i do.
I just got a new apt and without a job unemployment will not pay enough for it.
Thank you so much for taking shame away. I am shameful bcs he went back to his wife and I felt i should have known better. I never ever met anyone who was like this in my whole life. We worked together for several years before he even pursued me.
I wish I knew why.
Joyce, thank you so much for posting that. I was at my counselors office yest and she said i need to stop looking at myself as a victim that i made the choice. I didnt even think twice as i did decided to involve myself with my NP. I work with him and I should have stayed away. Even though he played me i still was blaming myself.
However, i will not do this again. I will not allow someone to take my emotions and do this to me again.
And to qualify with everyone. I work at a fire department with 2 stations with 30 or so people. I cant get transferred and we do not have a HR department. If i even tell anyone the storm that it would cause. Just like the police dept the fire dept behaves the same way. I need the job to pay for the health insurance as my daughter has a disease she needs treatments for every 9 weeks. I am looking for another job but the opportunities for when you are in your 40’s dont exist as easy.
The NP did not work at my station. He just got transferred in jan. Transfers are not easy as the shifts they work make it very hard. I am not working as a Ffighter. So it is very difficult for me to get transferred. He would have to ask and he he is not going to bcs his best buddy works where i do.
I just got a new apt and without a job unemployment will not pay enough for it.
Thank you so much for taking shame away. I am shameful bcs he went back to his wife and I felt i should have known better. I never ever met anyone who was like this in my whole life. We worked together for several years before he even pursued me.
I wish I knew why.
InTheMiddle-
Sexual predators are very good at what they do. And they find folks who they know are empathetic, caring people to do it to. They have a special sniffer to detect oxytocin in others.
Everybody in the universe, except someone who is character disordered, wants to be loved. And someone who shames you because your desire to be loved was misused, is not playing with a full deck. They just don’t get it. Often times, those folks who invalidate us that way are the very people we thought we could count on for support. it makes our burden especially painful.
Now that you know there are people How can harm you this way in the world, you’ll be a bit more protective of your heart. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever fall for another predator. It means that if you do, you’ll figure it out faster and be on the road to recovery quicker as well.
Joyce
Yes you are so right. I need not only watch for the predators but I need to watch how everyone interacts with me. I have noticed since I have changed the game things with everyone are different. I realize that people only wanted to be around me as long as I was doing for them. I have realized about my counselor that the same disrespect is happening there. I hate being the one to put the foot, fist, hammer down. I guess that is the reason why things have not changed up to this point. I didnt think i had the right or was allowed to speak up bcs someone would be unhappy. I am realizing I do have the power to make changes it is just uncomfortable. I feel a little better that i was victimized by the NP but i feel also angry, bitter and mad that he used me and took advantage of me. That he total made a fool of me. I dont know just yet how to be ok with that.
You don’t need to be OK with it. What he did is despicable.
You need to be OK with feeling the anger, the hurt and the betrayal, because what he did is not right.
When you can feel a good healthy dose of righteous anger for what he did to such a WONDERFUL PERSON SUCH AS YOU, then you are pointing in the right direction.
You are a loving, giving, terrific human being. How dare all of these people take advantage of that without giving back!
Just because your cup of goodness is unusually deep doesn’t mean that people can continually drink from it without ever pouring a little of that goodness back.
inthemiddle, you say:
I didnt think i had the right or was allowed to speak up bcs someone would be unhappy.
Now you know what most of the population has known all along and never given a second thought to, not one second thought.
I had to learn this too, and while it is uncomfortable, it will get easier with time.
Welcome to the road to recovery.