UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
HM and Joyce….I am so glad to have wise women to educate me. I must admit, though, that this new information rocks my world. It changes everything I have been thinking for 30 years, and I don’t know how to feel…other than angry that I could have been “allowed” to enter the world as an adult with being properly prepared. How can we do this to our children…knowing that perpetrators like this zoom in on PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE US? I always felt a strong desire to help others, but I will be spending the rest of my life now making sure that my grandchildren and great-grandchildren do not go out into the world unprepared. Some people seem to know this instinctively, like my daughter. But others, like us, go out completely unawares. It’s not right that this psychopaths are allowed to steal our hearts and our minds! Many of them never PAY for what they did to us…they just move on to the next victim. Joyce said that I need to become angry…and I am angry now with the realization that my first husband DID abuse me and I allowed the therapist at that time to put the responsibility for the victimization on ME! It’s a good thing he is not standing here in front of me…I would punch him in the gut! And my so called friend, too. How dare they?
From Psychopath Free on FB this morning:
One of the biggest warning signs of a psychopath can only be discovered during the aftermath of the encounter. Whether it was professional, romantic, or platonic, psychopaths always leave behind a trail of destruction. Normal breakups can be heartbreaking and confusing, but the aftermath of a psychopathic relationship is different. It’s like a whirlwind tornado went through your life and uprooted everything you once knew to be consistent and stable. Your job, your friends, your finances, and above all, your very understanding of reality. Everything switches from perfectly fine to unrecognizable chaos in the blink of an eye. And before you even have a chance to understand the root cause behind all of this drama, that person is long since gone and playing innocent, whispering behind your back to ensure the blame for everything falls squarely on you.
I think we can all agree that this is true.
Yes yes yes this is exactly what happened to me. By the time it was all over i was destroyed.
Hanalei
I waited long enough to enjoy the karma! Yes he left a trail of destruction but now he’s acting like a fool, in public! Finally people are starting to hear me, believing me, seeing that I was not the crazy one – hip hooray!
Thanks, Joyce (and everyone), for your helpful words. Apparently I was not the only one who needed to hear you. And even after 30 years, there are apparently STILL counselors who, for whatever reason, are still putting the responsibility for victimhood on the victims. I have been thinking all day about what you said this morning, and I am still trying to figure out a way to categorize the new information because it changes, but also makes sense, of the past 30 years. Thanks again.
In the middle
I think it is good when you can feel anger. It’s a stage you must go through. I was married for over 20 years. After the discard I had to experience all the different stages. For me it was hurt and heartache first, then came an extreme anger stage . I call this the most dangerous one. That’s the stage when I could not think rationally and I wanted to expose and hurt him. The truth is you cannot hurt a sociopath, ever. Exposing results in legal consequences. Hurting him with words is useless, waste of time. My next stage was sadness. I was slowly removing myself from that “imaginary ” marriage. And then came acceptance. I accepted the facts and not my wishful thinking , hoping for him to return. For what ? So he can cheat and lie some more. So he can reduce me to a crying mess again.
He now plays the victim. In flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser and intentional infliction of pain . He is trying to dismantle my emotional, physical and spiritual health. And I won’t allow that because of one thing ,one thing only. And that’s the NO CONTACT. He will not be able to be that vampire again, I am not going to be his supply. he can use his minions for that. The minions he was so attracted to, the ones he exchanged nude photos with, the ones who called him hot and sexy, who called him
CPT America. Please, they all can have him.
Joyce, I need to ask you something. My second path asked for a great deal of money from me, and I handed out a few hundred dollars every few days for about 4 years. Not including the jewelry she stole from me and the jewelry that she asked for to pawn to help her, I handed her about $100,000 to help her with various emergencies. There is no official record of this money, because I would just go to the ATM and get it or borrow it against my credit card. I have already given it up as gone. But, had I kept better records, could I have done something about getting this money back? She is already paying restitution to me for the jewelry that she stole, and that her payments are always behind. Am I healthier if I just forget about the money that will never be repaid or the jewelry that will never be returned? Thinking about it seems to be a stumbling block for me…
Hi Never-
So sorry for your losses!!
I don’t know whether or not you were married, but it seems “no” so I’ll go on that assumption. Please correct me if I’m wrong. If yes, that’s what settlement disputes are about.
Fraud is based on the following:
1. You lie
2. You know you’re lying
3. You intend the person to believe your lie
4. They believe your lie
5. You make off with their valuables based on 1-4
I don’t know the premise upon which she asked for the money. But if she was truthful about what she needed it for, it’s not fraud.
If she took the money on the basis that she’d pay you back but didn’t, and she didn’t lie about the purpose for the money, it’s a bad loan. If she told you someone was going to break her legs if she didn’t pay them, and that was a bogus claim, that’s coercion.
But here’s the rub….
Court cases are not about truth. They’re about proof. And it seems you’ll have a pretty difficult time proving that you gave her the money, and that she owed it back to you. Without that, it’s unlikely you’ll get anywhere on a criminal case.
Civil court works a bit differently. You still need proof, and you’ll only get an attorney to take the case if it’s extremely compelling, you stand to gain a big settlement, and she has assets that insure your ability to collect.
For example, if my memory serves me correctly, Donna Anderson won a sizable judgement on her case against James Montgomery, but has yet to collect a nickle.
I’m sorry to be a wet blanket. It’s unfortunate that as partners in a relationship, we tend to overlook the safeguards for our assets that we would normally employ. It’s important to keep proofs anytime we conduct business with others. And when we dip into our assets to loan them out, we need to draw up an agreement and keep records.
I know it’s a hard pill to swallow and hope you can find solace in the knowledge that you’re a decent and generous person who provided the support you thought was needed. Don’t change. Just get a receipt next time and document the details of the transaction.
All the best-
Joyce
Neveragain, I’m going to weigh in on your question with my own experience because thinking about the financial loss was a serious stumbling block for me too.
I purchased a home with my ex, and since my home sold first and I had more liquid funds, I put in 85% of the down payment and we were to share the expenses equally. He was to bring in more funds when his home sold. We had talked about our plan for several years and I trusted him; although I had been married in the past, I had never combined finances with anyone and he knew I was hesitant. In order to build my confidence, we had opened up a joint account at our credit union that was linked to my personal account but not to his, and he had been putting money into it for a few years – it was his idea, supposedly to show his commitment in our future together.
He left the relationship less than 3 months after escrow closed and shortly after, stopped paying his fair share of the house payment (over $4,000 a month). He also refused to contribute to any of the maintenance expenses for the home, and since it was of historic vintage, there were MANY.
Both the home and mortgage were in both our names, so we were individually liable for the entire debt. I had taken an early retirement from my job to make this move, and fortunately I had my retirement income and was able to find a job fairly quickly. I was able to cover all the monthly expenses of the house, plus my attorney and my own living expenses and not go under. At one point, I was so strapped that I decided to go online and transfer the funds from that shared account to my own account to cover some house expenses, and, you guessed it, he had cleaned out the account and left $25. Neveragain, I agonized for weeks about taking this money before I ever signed onto the account (which I had a right to), because it didn’t FEEL RIGHT to do it without checking with him first. Yah. You snooze, you lose. (Meanwhile, he was living large, traveling and getting ready to get married.)
In the end, there was no choice but to sell the home, and I don’t have to tell you that to sell a home a couple of years after you bought it is a losing proposition. The home was finally sold for $100k less than we paid for it.
I have never bothered to tally it up, but all told I lost over $150k. My attorney told me that she felt that she could win a judgement in my favor to recover the home related expenses, but based on her dealings with him, she felt certain he would never pay, and it would keep me tied to him forever. She said – don’t be like some of my clients and add to your loss by paying my fees on the principal of the thing when you will never recover a dime. In your case, had you had her sign a contact each time you “lent” her money, maybe you would have recourse to recover but based on your description of her, she wouldn’t pay even if she had the funds.
It was then that I knew I needed to stop thinking about the loss and find a way to move forward and live with it, because NOTHING I COULD DO WOULD CHANGE IT. (And yes, it sucks to high heaven to add this cherry on top of all the emotional losses.)
It took a long time (several years), but I am 90% at peace with the loss, even though my lifestyle hasn’t recovered and my financial security isn’t where I’d worked so hard for it to be at my age (60). I have to adjust my thinking a bit. Because you know what? It could have been MUCH WORSE.
We didn’t know at the time we were throwing money down the drain. We were sincere and our hearts were open. People do what we do every day and because they are with normal, non-disorderd people, nothing bad happens. People invested their life’s savings with Bernie Madoff and lost it all”they thought they were doing the right thing, as did we.
I believe with all my heart and soul that you are better off forgetting about the money that will never be repaid or the jewelry that will never be returned, because there is nothing you can do to change it. It is done. Hanging onto that stumbling block will only hurt us and steal the joy we can have in life now, for whatever time we have left.
Yep, they got us and they got us good (yeesh, mine didn’t even profit from it, but only got to get off on the misery he caused me), but we have the entire power to mitigate any further damage, and for me, realizing that wringing my hands over it was carrying the loss forward to every new day was the motivation to let it go. I am only human, and I have days where I am hurt or angry or sad about it, but they are few and far between. It’s easier said than done, but I say writing it off is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself. We need to count our blessings, not our losses.
You are right, HM. It could have been worse. And you had a bigger loss than I did. I need to let it go. I will never forget the day when she came to my work and asked me to come outside for lunch to talk to her. I was wearing my mother’s original wedding ring, filigree gold with no diamonds. (She had already taken or “borrowed” all of my other wedding rings from my mom and husband; it was the only one I had left.) It was very special to me because she had originally stolen it and pawned it, and the police were able to recover it along with some of my mother’s other things. I had decided that no matter what she said, I would not let her “borrow it.” She told me she would be sleeping on the street and in her health, she might die or be killed. Could she PLEASE borrow my mother’s ring to put as a good faith deposit on a hotel room for the night, and she would return it to me the next day. That was over a year ago, and that is only one of the hundreds of stories in which she put me in the position of saving her life or letting her die. When I told her NO, she asked what was more important, a piece of jewelry or a person’s life? And that scenario happened many many times, all with the same ending. No, it is time to let it all go. She does not have anything she promised to return, and a neighbor who knew her said she had a pretty big cocaine habit. I need to cry that my mother in heaven will forgive me and then let go of the dream that I will ever see them again. Initially NC was going to be very hard, but now I don’t even WANT to talk to her ever again. I think the anger is settling in…
neveragain, it is ok to feel however you do. In other words? however you feel is the RIGHT WAY for you to feel.
It is OK to work through this as opposed to “letting it go.”
That may be necessary.
Find your own path and just know, OUR SUPPORT is for YOU and for your OWN CHOICES! in your Journey toward Health.
xox n/c
Jenna I took myown advice and have a court hearing in the morning, I will let you know if it helped, ok? hang in there dear, it will be alright. xox
also Jenna, the cops made me feel like total crap so I am really trying to hang in there. the hearing is 8:30 am tomorrow mst, please praym for me!!!! the guy is a monster and I totally believe he murdered his gf and her little boy (she musta said no after they smoked up some meth or something? who knows?) but they can’t prove that, however I think I can prove he is a stalker. Of me. Prisons are prisons right? what do I care why they put him away? even if just long enough for me to do my diappearing act. you knokw what I mean. the kids will hate me anyway, I have accepted that although it is very very hard. I’m sure you know — just what I mean, so hang in there and I will too. xox
Jenna23, Give it time….lot’s of time! Try to divert your emotions and shake up your routine. I found that I naturally diverted from negatives….people, tv, my own family….That was also great for me. I never in my life was a big music listener…..and now I blare it and dance around to it. Disco helps! 🙂 Don’t be hard on yourself….it’s a journey you will (one day) be thankful you walked through. We learn so very much!!! XXOO EB
Nocontact
I wish that LF had a like button 😉
Nocontact
Best of luck with the hearing and I’ll be praying for you xoxo
Under, it went POORLY and so does everything else that I have tried to do about this horrible horrible horrible person.
He requested and was granted a continuance so his attorney could attend. WHY would anyone defend a restraining order, Under?? WHY DOES HE WANT ACCESS TO ME after all these years (don’t answer that)?
Don’t answer this either, it is rhetorical only: WHY WON’T HE LEAVE ME ALONE?
Joyce, thanks for your answer. Yes, I am married, and we did file on things that had a paper trail. But most of it was just from my hand to hers…YES, with the promise to repay. She has no means to repay. I just wanted to ask the question, even though I already knew the answer…because the hope of it all was holding me back. She kept showing me the carrot, saying she HAS my jewelry. It made things much harder to believe. I just needed to ask the question so I could let it go. Thanks
Thank you. Some days, knowing that there is the support a person needs out there is all the medicine a body could require.
🙂
Hello all-EB here! I was compelled to ’check in’ since it’s been a few years and offer encouragement from a survivor. There are a lot of new faces here! I hope you all are going back into the archives and reading the old articles and comments. That was very helpful to me when I joined.
First off, in reading the recent comments, please, I URGE all of you entrenched in Spathhell”..PLEASE refer to yourself as a survivor from this point forward! Never the victim. It’s the mindset”..even if you don’t believe it yet”..fake it till you make it!!! Your mind will follow and you will be empowered. It’s been 7 years since my departure from a 28 year relationship with the spath—and it’s been a haul, I won’t kid you. BUT”..I want to offer hope. Life goes on, kids grow up and there is a fantastic journey ahead of you. Spath stalked us for most of the departure years”.numerous piggy backed restraining orders were in place. It slowed him down, but didn’t stop him. I think we’ve been EOP free for 2 years now. He was calling weekly. I NEVER gave him so much as anything other than click, if I answered the phone. He would call from all sorts of numbers I didn’t recognize, but since I have a business”..sometimes I answered the phone. I’d here I love you, I miss you blah blah”.then I’d hang up, saying nothing. It didn’t stop him. In October, he ramped up the calls to 6 times a week”.and I decided I needed to switch up my no contact strategy and I decided, since he’s been remarried and all”.that my new tactic would be”.You call me”.I call your wife! HA! I knew, as he degraded me and spoke bad about me to everyone in his current life, NO ONE knew he was still calling me, so calling his wife would expose him. (She reached out to me a few years ago, so I had her contact info) YUP, the ol’ backspath is still necessary, occasionally, and I’m not afraid of it!!! The wife wasn’t happy and was surprised to hear the news”.I even played the messages so there was no denial. I just said”make it stop! Then I decided that I needed to Blitz him. Since My parents are still ’team spath’, I called them too. I only called to upset them, that’s it! I knew if I upset them, they would call him (he’d know he had been exposed to them as well) and ask him not to call me, not understanding why he’d call me in the first place. But,they would ask him to not call me, there was no reason for it”.and it was very upsetting to receive these calls from me. HA!!! My plan worked and I haven’t heard from him since. (I think)
Back to life goes on—
My youngest son who took the spath brunt, found his calling. Finally graduated from HS, went to the fire academy, got his EMT and recently got engaged to his love. (I think spath may have called from a blocked number a few times after kiddo’s engagement, but that was minimal and no messages of ’love’)
It’s glorious to see a kid who had such a hard time and Lovefraud pages are full of my story of trying to get him back to a happy/healthy place in life, from 15. He’s almost 23 now and thriving! YIPPEEEEEE!!!
Me”.I’m thriving too! Finances are back on tract. My business is doing great and I have a loving, caring and awesome man in my life. WE have so much fun together, he makes me laugh and he reaffirms that there ARE good people in the world. He doesn’t know my entire story, because I no longer have the need to tell all to anyone. He knows that I was in a marriage with a spath and it was terrible and other bits and pieces”.but I now wish to look at the good in TODAY, and not go backwards. There is no reward in going back. There is abundance in the future, there is no abundance in the past.
I feel so fortunate to have met such a good person, who fits me so well! I’m a happy gal all around!!!
Oh, and my health is awesome! Still cancer free”.and no further health issues. I spent the summer hiking everyday and watching the sunset over the lake. I also got in a ton of jet ski hours on the lake with the wind in my hair! Nature is empowering”..get out, even if you don’t feel like it, drag your butts outside. move and breath deep!!!
My lovefraud friends were such an amazing support to me for so many years, at some points they were my only connection to the ’outside’ world. I lived in fear for so long. Those days are gone! I remember the times when I didn’t want to leave my computer in fear I would miss some great advice. Healing can become an addiction as well”.balance is the key to a healthy life.
It’s important to look for happiness. To keep laughing and keep smiling, believe in yourselves and keep moving forward. Remember, as bad as your life seems, there is ALWAYS someone in the world that would trade places with you in a heartbeat!!! Work through the pain, recognize what your contribution was in the relationship in order to not repeat”..and please, don’t worry about dating for years! Time is the healer, education is key”.but at some point, it’s up to you to choose the life you want, and go out and achieve it. Today is YOUR day!!!
I hope you all find your happiness”..just take the time required, there are NO shortcuts!!! Own it!!!
XXOO
EB
EB
Thanks for coming back and sharing your story from the other side of this disaster, these comments give all of us hope but especially strategies. I love the idea of being a survivor so I’ll be that person from now on. I’ve also been thinking about the time that I’ll need to move on from LF and get myself a life, although I’ve adopted the “action and adventure” attitude already, I don’t seem to get much else done when I’m home because I’m always reading posts, and this place is like a family to me – I’m no quitter! Lol staying for so long taught me that!
One thing that does concern me is the length of time your spath stalked you, I wasn’t expecting that along with not expecting my spaths reaction to do it after I filled him in on everything I knew and told him to stay out of my life… let’s just hope mine ends up in jail where he belongs and loses all his police buddies when the truth is revealed in court so they don’t search my details for him – I changed my number recently regardless of the work it caused as a self employed person…grr!
Enjoy your life 🙂
Undertheradar, I’m glad you found what I wrote helpful….and it sounds like you are making the headway you need in order to regain life.
In regards to the spath stalking us….there were stopgaps that I put in place to protect us, I eliminated any and all mutual contacts and I wouldn’t talk about him to clients to ‘draw’ them onto ‘my’ side. I just carried on with business.
The police in my area were fantastic, he had exposed himself and his activities himself to them….upon recommendations from otherrs, I got gun educated and armed up, I got an alarm system a surveillance system and it was monitored.
There was nothing more I could do….If he harmed us, it was going to happen, but not without everyone knowing who did it and not without a huge fight.
After I did the above….the rest was up to the ‘universe’.
I felt empowered to protect us.
Then….came the point where I started letting my guard down a bit and not living in fear of him. If he came around, we called police. He had so many issues with the law, he didn’t like to encounter them. I think he realized….contact with me, is contact with the law and exposure.
Now….if he kicks in my front door ever again, he’s gonna be met with a bullet. There will be no tears, no screaming….just bang and a telephone call to the police.
He would never suspect I carry. I was always afraid of guns….so that is a variable he would never suspect from me. He knows I will always follow through with the law, me and the kiddos will never hesitate to call the police…and that alone scares him.
I knew going into this (or getting out) that he would never leave us alone….but as time has passed he has wained and is not so active with us. He tends to make the calls when things are not going so well with his current supply. Also, people have a statute of limitations on how long they will support another emotionally….it’s natural. They don’t want to hear the blah blah in every conversation…..and that goes for spaths degrading us as well. Spath keeps talking about me…..so he needs to continue to seek new supplies that will listen. He gets empowered by these people listening to his puke.
I can’t control any of it…..I just make the moves I need to when I need to. He is so stupid, he exposes himself and I know this…..so I don’t often need to much. He digs his own holes! They all tend to.
Since I had so much on him, and had no skeletons in my own closet….I have had NO NEED to talk to him or negotiate anything with him since I sent him packing. Besides, anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie or manipulation anyways, so whats the point. The kids came with me, so no coparenting issues…just legal issues and I had an attorney for all that! In the end he wouldn’t respond to any legal requests….so the judge signed everything for the spath!
I never ‘had the closure’ that I expected and desperately wanted at the time….I wanted to tell him off….tell him everything I knew, had found out and discovered. NO USE…he’d twist it all. I also found solice in the fact that he never knew the whole truth of everything that I discovered. He knew I new something….but what. That drove him nuts. Keeping my mouth shut was a backspath of sorts also. Loose lips sink ships!
What was there to discuss??? He wasn’t going to change and I had finally realized that!
NO Contact has it’s benefits…..it creates time and distance and clears the fog from our brains.
Good luck to you…..stay on tract and keep going! Let the natural evolution of healing occur…..
XXOO
EB
EB
I drove my spath nuts when I only alluded to knowledge of things he’d done, I was very selective about what I revealed because I knew he’d just explain it away and think I’d believe his lies and that would be the end of the story. I’ve also never revealed my sources as I’ve learned that he just learned to cover his tracks better and I didn’t want to ruin the next victims chance of finding things out.
My S was a policeman, he’s been stood down pending an investigation into a child sex allegation – he’s yet to be charged but it will happen, still details I cannot reveal until he’s charged and the “whole” case goes on the system…
I’m in a better space than I was when I moved out 8 months ago. The S has been playing the fool in public so I’m not as scared as I was – time teaches you things especially when the fog clears and you can take a good hard look from outside the circle – he’s just a nutter I didn’t see coming!
Hugs to you and thanks again for coming back with your light at the end of our tunnels x
im tired of being mentally tired. emotionally exhausted, unable to withstand any kind of an onslaught. i have the emotional lucidity of a 5yo…iwo, it aint there. at all. my adrenals r probably most to blame but dang, i’d like to sleep every nite 8-9hrs like real adults. n be happy all day instead of calling it a good day if i dont make my kids cry 3 times cuz im snapping at them n being a bytch.
i am so tired.
pls no one tell me to go for a walk or take a hot bath. im a single, very broke mom…no sitter money/absolutely no family help from either side. not all moms have the luxury of help.
so aint — ?
have you thought of taking a nice long walk? or a really hot bath?
sorry i just could not resist.
it’s a ME TOO!! here just fyi and don’t you just wish? that calgon really would come….and take us Away.
xox hang in there, you are Loved.
I wrote this years ago for a LF article, I’m not sure where to direct you…..but what I wrote about was very empowering to me and I remember the day I found my ADAMANT!
I will copy the article below: It says it all…..
One thing we see over and over from the fallout of a toxic relationship is destroyed self esteem and a lack of confidence. Lacking self esteem and confidence leads to overlooking behaviors and having a hard time making firm decisions for ourselves.
Destroyed self esteem makes it difficult some days to even get out of bed, let alone get out of the house and participate in life. It’s hard to plan for meals, school lunches, kid activities, legal angles, financial support and moving forward. We want to hide under the covers and make it all go away.
Okay yes, and justifiably so. BUT—if we want to get ’somewhere’, we must first find our adamant.
Adamant describes a beautiful diamond, very hard crystalline carbon, impenetrable, impregnable, unshakeable and unyielding, and described as a valuable gem.
We must learn to find the gem we all possess—our valuable adamant.
We must commit to being adamant and NOT allowing destruction. We must be adamant about taking back our souls from a sociopath, protecting our children, our assets and our futures. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We must be adamant about this!
We all possess adamant, we were gifted this beautiful gem at birth. We put it away for the sociopath. Dig it out and reconnect, keep it close and feel it!
Once we find our adamant, we can move forward with a dedicated, ’hell hath no fury’ attitude. We discover things inside of ourselves we never thought we were capable of. We learn how much power we have over our lives and how much we can change things we don’t like or agree with.
WHY? Because we are adamant!
Adamant is an important and powerful feeling. It’s the empowerment we need to proceed into a custody battle, a divorce with a sociopath, or a family member’s betrayal.
There is no other word which has the same feeling or empowerment attached as adamant.
I asked my kids about what they knew about the word adamant.
They responded, “when Moms adamant, don’t try to change her mind, it will never work’.
This led into a great, humor filled chat from there. Jr, asked to borrow my car for a long distance drive. He stated his reasons. I said, “I was sorry, but no”.
He persisted. I looked at him and said, “JR”.I’m adamant”.NO!”
He said, “Mom, I’m adamant, I need your car”.
I then explained to Jr. adamant is NOT the same as pushy, persistent, manipulative or convincing. Adamant means there are NO negotiations involved. The buck stops with adamant. Done, final, period!
Jr. smiled and went on his way, he understood there was nowhere left to go, mom was adamant.
Once we find our adamant and team it up with tenacity, strength and courage—we become a strong force. We can pull on our adamant and make strong dedicated decisions, and move forward with confidence.
Adamant is personal, spiritual, professional and human. Adamant encompasses our whole being, once we find it.
Once we find our adamant, we are no longer the victim and we become the survivor, the gems we always were”. finally unearthed and empowered, impenetrable and unshakeable!
Ain’t, I have no advice, but I will say that you very neatly summed up what I’ve been feeling lately: mentally tired, emotionally exhausted, unable to withstand any kind of an onslaught. I’m glad I’m in good company.
A few months ago, I got a new cell phone and I HAD to get a case with the same design as my old one. I mean HAD to, and of course, it wasn’t available. I spent a sweaty week obsessing over the new case and that it wasn’t the same as the old one. On Sunday, the handle on the brush I use to blow dry my hair broke clean off. Yesterday I went to buy a new brush, and of course, wanted to buy the EXACT SAME BRUSH that broke, and it was 5 maybe 6 years old. Yeah, they don’t make it anymore. So”I’m supergluing the handle back on. I can’t handle dealing with a new brush.
So I asked myself, wtf, Hanalei?? My analysis? My life has been so all over the place for the last few years that I neurotically find comfort and a sense of order in the smallest of things remaining the same.
Dang I hope they don’t discontinue the style of bra I wear. 😉
I’m hoping you get a giggle out of this. Seriously, you are tough. You will prevail. Sending you hugs.
what???? you still can find your right bra??????
sign me REALLY depressed now, lol.
xox