UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Annette
My 19 year old son said the same to me “why are you his puppet on a string?” So true you will remain a game participant until you cut this string. You might fall down hard at first, but I pulled myself up and empowered myself not to need those “strings” anymore. You can function without them but you have to learn the how first.
Like Annette by ex is nothing to me. Not a person , not a human , not even the father of my son. Real fathers don’t inflict such pain and agony on mothers of their children. The only thing he is for me is my supplier if my alimony checks. That’s all. Nothing more. I will never talk or have any contact with him. I would not care if he gets remarried or whatever. I am just done. When you know that you are totally done with him, then you will feel better. It feels like this huge weight is of me. Even though I gained a few pounds I feel much lighter. Evil weighs heavy on you.
Your experience sounds a lot like mine. I also ended up, by the grace of God, with alimony, which I understand is more the exception than the rule, and that many victims end up fleeced financially, too. I did suffer financial loss and setbacks while I was with him because of the constant drama and game playing that took all my time and energy. He was always underemployed, and a financial drain. My health suffered, too. It was a very unproductive time.
I rarely think about my ex anymore, I used to think about him 24 hours a day. This tortured me. My therapist told me it was like marbles in a bag…your bag has room for hundreds of marbles but when this happens to you, you may only have three or four marbles left, or only one…him. So 100% of your thinking is on that one marble. But as you add marbles to your bag, little by little your attention becomes diluted and you have the relief of being able to think of different things. After awhile, you have more things in your life (more marbles in your bag) and his marble just gets lost in the jumble and doesn’t get as much attention because you have other things to think about.
I know I am very susceptible to rumination and obsessive thinking and will not let myself go there anymore. I’ve written here before about going in the back yard and digging a hole and filling it in, for hours maybe, because you can’t think at the same time. Volunteering has also helped me – I am committed to be there, I’m busy around other people and have no time to think – when I am done with my shift it is like a mini vacation and I feel very light and free. In the beginning, I wouldn’t let anything interrupt my rumination time, I wouldn’t even listen to the radio in the car so I could think about him and what happened. I thought it was going to help me figure it out and make it better. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I have lost so many entire DAYS of my life immobilized by thinking about him. Meanwhile, he was on cruises with other women, having drinks at fancy hotels, having sex with who knows how many and I never crossed his mind once. Until he was bored and wanted to reel me back in. I was always on the back burner for him, and I had made him my everything.
Hope this helps someone.
I feel that way now..I am obsessive about thinking what he is doing with her, where he takes her, what they talk about..Its taken over my life. Until I hear the phone call when I was pocket dialed- that was proof everything I thought was true..he talked about sex with her, how he was blacked out drunk..hes a loser. he is 38, she thinks he is 36..still when I am home alone..i look around at our home we shared..and I say “was this all a dream..was he here?” he left so suddenly its like how could it all have happened. this whirlwind of lies and cheating. 6 years later..im sitting in a quiet house with all his things..and he is out living. I am not living. I am suffering
I understand a little of what you’re feeling. In my experience it was the worst pain imaginable.
When you’re gaining clarity and coming to the realization that everything was and is fake about this person that you love (because you are capable of love, because you are a good and giving person, and because he deceived you), it does take a certain amount of focusing on the situation and on him. If you pay attention to your thought process, you’ll know when you’re ready to move on to something else a little. More and more each day, you’ll think of him less and less, and gradually you will have processed it all and moved on. It’s a balance to find the middle ground between obsessing too much when it’s not productive, and stuffing your emotions without working things through.
Tara, he’s not a loser, he’s a sociopath/psychopath. He is disordered.
Yes, he’s out there living while you are not. Oh, how I’ve been there, and still am to a degree. The hard truth is that no one is going to come along and give us the magic that will make us feel better and get us living again, it has to come from US. We have to do it for ourselves. We have to find a way to live again, and it takes hard work, a full commitment to yourself and then, more hard work. But it is worth it.
I had what I thought was a magical life with mine, but in retrospect, it was not even close – I saw what I wanted to see and overlooked the rest. It was full of bad things from the get go that I excused.
Rebuilding is essential. Just start, one minute if that is all you can do. When you can’t stop obsessing, go out and walk. Count your steps. Count to 8 or 11 or 34, then start over at 1 again. You can’t think of other things while you’re moving and counting. It sounds stupid, but these things really work. You may think not, but they give your mind a rest for a few minutes, and being out in the fresh air moving is good for you overall. The temptation to think obsessively is seductive, and it becomes an addiction that is so hard to break.
Please take my advice and move his crap out of your house. Get it out of your sight, Put it in a storage unit, pay the first month and send him the contact and key. If you can’t afford it, take it to a friends house. I know this is hard, because you will have to admit he’s not coming back – keeping the stuff around lets you believe it’s all a mistake and will all work out. The first few weeks after the discard, I actually slept in one of his old shirts for comfort (while he was sleeping with other women). A short while later, the sight and smell of that shirt made me absolutely disgusted.
You are way too young, bright and full of life to stop living. You were fortunate to be discarded before 10 or 15 or 20 years went by. Take a deep breath and do something that will give your mind a rest today.
Tara,
I feel like he set you up with the phone call and is trying to keep you thinking of him all the time. It makes him happy to know you are thinking of him, and it also makes him feel like his new relationship is “real” because you are so upset about it. That’s how Jacked Up his thinking is.
He has no feelings of his own. Just ideas on how to manipulate. If you let him know you are thinking of him and her, well then, he will go to all lengths to Make you think of him and her. He thrives on reactions. It makes him feel. All he wants is attention and reactions. He’s moved on and only has you around to satisfy a sadistic need to manipulate you. All that said, I know you are trying so hard! Sometimes the thought of NC is very difficult and our hearts trick us into believing that any contact is better than none. But that’s not true. When we aren’t being manipulated, our minds are free to see the truth. As the truth takes hold, his manipulations will lose their power.
I’m reading a book “Toads, and the Women Who Kiss Them”. It’s very light and easy to read, but right on target. I’ve been overloaded lately, reading deep material about these sick perverted sub humans . It was nice to read something supportive but lighthearted. You may enjoy it.
Stay strong my friend! You are already so much better than you were!
HopingToHeal, I agree that he probably set up the phone call. When we bought “our” dream home and I moved to a new state to get it ready for him while he stayed behind to wait for his house to sell (haha), he would call me several times a week for phone sex, which to him was basically me telling him a pornographic story (it had to be the same one over and over, per direction, no changes) while I watched tv with the sound off. He started putting me on speaker and I was very uncomfortable with that, always asking if his daughter was in the house. I have always had the feeling that there were times he had someone else with him when I was doing that and he always hung up instantly after he “finished”. On a related note, when he discarded me, one of the reasons he cited was that my phone sex felt “rote” to him and was the same thing over and over. I responded, saying that when ever I switched the story up to keep it interesting, he stopped me saying he wanted it exactly the same each time. (basically insisting on “rote”). No answer.
The last time I saw him suddenly a woman’s voice from his pocket started saying hello, hello, HELLO!? and he didn’t hear it. I mentioned I thought he had pocket dialed and a woman was talking. He pulled out his phone looked at it with a puzzled expression and said, huh? There’s nothing here, and put it away. It’s an iphone, idiot, of course there was something there. At the time, I actually told myself it was probably a realtor…yeah right.
I’ll say it again, although I went through the worst agony of my life, him discarding me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I truly believe had he not, at some point I would have been chained in a basement while he lived with someone else upstairs and I’d have been doing her laundry.
Hanalei,
I related to your story about spending days ruminating, thinking it would help work things out in my head. You are right! It only slows down the healing process. Your suggestions of staying busy are very good, even digging a hole. Anything to NOT think!
Thanks for sharing
I love the bible verse, yes the love bombing is exactly what he is doing…I have been thru it!
Hanalei
Unbelievable how they are all the same. Like you I lost my dream home and many material assets. I was thinking yesterday “what if I still had my dream home but at the same time this evil husband”? You know what I would rather chose life without the dream home and having my freedom. I still live in the same community and often go by my “former home ” which belongs to someone else now. I don’t get sad anymore because this house has so many bad memories to me. It was pure hell for me. Ironically a man purchased it who is married and has a mistress. He bought it for the mistress. Not that I care but I find it interesting.
My physical symptons like high blood pressure and racing of my heart have stopped since he left. Isn’t that amazing. My doctor said this husband made me physically ill. And a husband is suppose to protect and love and cherish. Instead he tried to “destroy” me. He did not succeed.
I think Taralev will be ok. She is on this website and that’s a huge step into the better.
Tara
Hanalei is correct. Be glad that you did not “waste” 15 or 20 or more years with him. I gave my ex over 20 years. I moved around the world with him being a “supportive loving ” army wife. I lived places I did not like and cared for. I quit jobs that I loved just to move to our next duty station. I gave up many friends and family to live overseas. I waited sometimes a year or more for him to return from deployments. I was there when his only child was sick or hospitalized. He could always count on me to take care of things . He was able to fully focus on climbing up the ranks, be a highly decorated first seargent. He attended seargent major school without having to worry about his son. I was always there. Until the day he decided that I did not fit his “standard” anymore. This day he compared me to the little co worker. I was 47, not 20 something, my hair was short, I was a little overweight, I have wrinkles and I am boring. And you know what there is nothing wrong with me. It was all him.
And then I was disposed of. A bag of garbage that you take to he curb for weekly pick up. This is how much I was worth.
Why would I want a man who is capable of doing this ? Not only to his wife but also to his son. His actions affected the entire family. I can think clearly now. That I am out if this fog. Tara, please try to enforce the no contact.
They do not bond. My ex P actually told me once he didn’t think he ever bonded with his mother. If it had anything to do with you being 47 then he would have left you, but not left his son. What was wrong with his son? Nothing, and even if there was if he loved his son he would miss him too much to be able to abandon him.
Neither do they appreciate anything. They simply exploit others for what they want to take; and they operate under feelings of entitlement.
The concept of a natural mutually giving committed relationship is beyond them.
Kaya-yes I feel the same way. Disposed like garbage when I no longer was good enough. He called me fat bitch..spit in my face..I am overweight but not ugly!! I am sure you are beautiful as well. The thing is his new victim is very unattractive. ..and this is how I know hes using her. Its not for looks. I can’t imagine what you went thru moving all the time for him. It really does let me know a lot of you had it a lot worse than I
Yes Hanalei.
Even though it was so painful it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Being discarded changed my life for the better. And yes, permanent alimony is not a regular award in divorce court. So yes I feel very blessed. I did the right thing by filing for divorce as an answer to his stupid crap. To this day I know I made the right decision. Just like you Hanalei.
I just saw this video in my facebook news feed from Huffington Post and had to post it here…sure seems like a sociopath to me! “Man Tells wife he was joking when he proposed 20 years ago.” Wow…however, I am not surprised after being on lovefraud going on 5 years now. Taralav…I have read all the posts to you and everyone is right…it could have been a lot worse than 6 years. Great advice you are getting on this site. No contact will put you on the road to healing 🙂 Hugs to everyone on here!! I have said it time after time, but this site helped me to realize what I was dealing with and understand what I needed to do to get better….. please just try your best to follow the advice of all of these kind people who are trying to help you.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/06/iyanla-vanzant-fix-my-double-life_n_5456464.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
Mending,
There was a time that watching that video would have shocked me. If I’m honest, part of me would still love to be that innocent person that would find alarm in such a story. But I’m not. And never will be again.
The advice here is Soooooooo helpful. Even before my heart could absorb the truth, my head understood. Because of all of y’all and all the contributors here. Donna’s work here is changing the world!
My husband has told me that he married me out of obligation (he asked and I accepted), that he loves me but loves someone else, that he wants to be with her and wants to be with me. He told me in one breath that he didn’t want to be with me but that there is a chance for us. It’s just all BS. Whatever thought comes to mind, he spews out. Thank God, I’ve learned from all of you to not talk to him, and if I must to always know that NOTHING is the truth.
Tara and others will learn that communicating with a Spath is exhausting. You will completely lose all perspective if you have any communication. We all must guard our hearts. There ar so many that have been successful here and are living in peace. I beat myself on the head every time I allow myself to weaken, even for a moment. You survivors are my inspiration!
And as for the video, even if what this joker says is true -Which it is NOT, what kind of idiot stays married for twenty years when the proposal was a joke? And he thinks people believe the lie. They all believe that their lies work. Ugh. Trolls!
Mending, I agree he seems like a sociopath. As does that Dean, married to Tori Spelling. I’m sure we will continue to see them in the news and see what happens next, but in my opinion, she needs an intervention before she loses her mind or worse. He is so manipulative in the name of “recovery” that it makes me sick. I’d be so gone…not because he cheated, but because he is using emotional blackmail to keep her from upsetting him.
I just wanted to share a text he sent me when I got off work about seeing him Sunday. ..these are how all his messages go:
sunday I wll b at baker park at 1230 if u come thats on u dont text me or email or call other then that u see kids u may as well b saying goodbye to them cause ur done me im telling u u better not contsct me or order gets violated im done
this is his text. He says if I show up its on me and in next breath don’t contact.him which I haven’t today. Like.hes doing me a favor
actually u know what his text is saying:
I’m a R.E.T.A.R.D.
Thats all. Its all code for — I am a retard. Talk to a dog, you’ll get as far. Well actually the dog mite care what you’re saying. Sing to some plants instead of communicating with his stupidness. The plants mite grow from it, he will NEVER EVER EVER CHANGE AT ALL.
Retard. Period.
Hahaa good one you are right his messages never make sense at all. He loves to me controlling
Tara,
Ain’t has a great way of breaking things down to basic facts. :).
You should listen to her! Your Spath is pathetic.
You are so much wiser, intelligent, loving and authentic.
Please don’t respond to him. He’s a nasty, ignorant fool.
Well said Ain’t.
Yes she tells it like it is 🙂 just how absurd. I can see the kids and might as well say goodbye to them.
I stand corrected, Hoping. He is a NASTY Retard.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww, disgusting to me to read stuff about him. i am literally nauseated to read the stuff u write about him, Taralev. it makes me sad to read ur hurt and sick to my stomach to read his antics and pathetic excuse for existence.
i am rooting for you for the day you go NO CONTACT. it will be ur first day of FREEDOM!
Taralev
Please be careful. It sounds like he is putting an injunction against you. Don’t go and don’t contact him. You really should think about yourself and only yourself. Please let him be. Remember my ex put a temporary injunction against me because I answered his crap. He saved the texts and emails and a judge granted him a temporary order. (I know he is cop and it was easy for him to do) but it ended up costing me 1400$ to pay my lawyer to represent me in the court hearing. It was dismissed but please please don’t make the same mistake as I did. All it takes is some of his lies and a judge who believes him and you are slapped with a permanent injunction with serious consequences.
Reading his text , he is trying to set you up.
No I.am definitely not going. .kaya. im not playing his mental games. The sad thing is he knows I.love his kids and hes using them.
Hi message makes no sense, it’s word salad. Consider ignoring him unless he says something concrete about logistics or something that you need to respond to. It would be great if you could take steps when you’re ready to eliminate the need to even read his texts, so you can just block him.
Of course you love the kids, you are normal and you bond with people, you can’t just throw people away in an instant, it’s a loss. Consider whether you could wait a bit until things settle, and then find a way to see his kids from time to time (maybe they will contact you, I don’t know their ages?), without his involvement. If you let things that are not critical to deal with work out naturally when you can, you can preserve your energy for things that must be dealt with.
Some of the principles of the greyrock technique of dealing with sociopaths may be helpful: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
I was never strong enough to manage to do grey rock, my ex P could always push my buttons, I had to go no contact, but the concept helped me understand and every little bit that I could do helped me.
Take care of yourself. You have great value. He doesn’t deserve you nor appreciate you, nor anyone else.
Here’s a text I saved from April 7th..after he was caught. Just find it sick how he says hes moved on..then next line he said he.was prepared to move back in?? Wtf..and cops involved only when he was caught cheating and claimed telephone harassment. I never laid a hand on him ever in all our years. His ex wife had a order against him before they divorced because he tried to choke her. I never knew any of that.
Screw u over im done with it all period I am n have been moved on in wvery area of my life. I am working now n I was prepared to move back in but the fact remains that I will not be around someone thst cops have to be involved I hsve taken steps needed to protect myself n everyone else around me so im done
The bit about cops involved is projection. They project their evil actions and motives onto others.