UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Elsa
I know you feel. I also felt “damaged”. But it’s the other way around. My ex is damaged. He is unable to “repair” himself. My don and I did not lose anything by me divorving him. Instead he lost everything. If you are in your 20’s or even 30’s it is easier to start a new life. Being almost 50 I have to start from scratch. But whatever happened to me will not define me as a person. Like many others here I stopped talking about my ex to people who defend him or just “won’t get it”. What he had done was very evil but now he is the one who is miserable. He will never realize that he saved my life by discarding me. He thought he could punish me by leaving. He was wrong.
He will never validate my pain, he will never apologize , and he will never feel remorse. I accept those facts now and I know the only closure I have is my last word of silence. The minions he found so hot and sexy , do irrestibable can cheer him up. I am happy he found s repkacement for his family.
I noticed that they are all perverts. Jenna, with your daughter ? How disrespectful is that and how sick ? See how they think. It’s unbelievable. My ex was a pervert too. Taking naked pictures of him for his minion while his son was in the house. Their mind races around sex. Sex occupies every second they are awake. Often my ex would say at the beach “see this woman over there , she wants to have sex with me”. Yuck. When I discovered the photos I literally threw up. I was in such a shock. My body was shaking and my heart was racing. I was married to this sick guy ?
And now I can erase the what I thought was good memories. The bad memories cancelled anything good . What i perceived as good was maybe a calm in the storm. Because the storm surely returned raging and worse than the last storm. He knew exactly how to push my buttons to get the reaction he wanted. And then he was able to label me as “crazy” or insane or mental. He got what he wanted. All while he was screwing the co worker. Wow. I miss nothing , absolutely nothing about this guy. Not even his “good looks”. They can have their Cpt america. In truth he is a helper of Satan.
Kaya I agree that they are all perverts. My ex used to point out women and say that they wanted to have sex with ME. I saw it as ridiculous and tiresome, but looking back, see it as him planting the seed he hoped would grow into me “bringing” him a woman.
Spring has officially sprung where I am with it I’ve noticed my thinking opening to include a fresh look at some possibilities I’d rejected before. I feel a little spark of cautious excitement, and I’m going to see what’s what. It feels good.
Life really is an amazing miracle and these monsters have stolen far too much from us.
Jenna
Hanalei is right. I am glad you are getting help. Your situation involved physical abuse and that’s a different story. I was thinking how unfair it is that we have to get therapy, possibly take medication and they just go on with their daily, perverted life. I guess we can’t change that.
I noticed a lot if change in me. I feel much stronger now. And ready for anything. Before I was more timid and I had a lot of fear and worry in my life. I know God wanted me to have peace and with my ex that was clearly impossible.
Jenna
A therapist told me once “you cannot make someone love you. It’s the same as you tell them to stop breathing. It’s impossible. That applies to a “normal” person. A narcissist/sociopath is not capable of love. Not even himself. What he perceives as love his self admiration. To try to get love from them will result in you being the loser/the hurt party. So stop loving him”.
I really think she is right. Loving him is a waste of energy. Energy you could use for your emotiobal well being.
Hanalei
Where I live it’s summer all year. But just seeing my “tropical friends ” here at the ocean puts a smile on my face. Because I am so happy I am still on this earth. Had he not left me, I would be in a jail or mrntal institution. Evebtually he would have succeeded being a dirty cop. So isn’t life great now ?
Kaya, some would say it’s summer all year where I live too, but there is something about this time of year, after we get some rain, where everything feels fresh and new.
You are right that life is great! We are free!
Jenna
His time will come. Believe me 2 years ago I asked God “why is he on a cruise sipping champagne while he left my son and I without any financial help?” God told me “hold on, give it time, and my grace will give you victory “.
Now, my ex is miserable. He is begging and whining and crying for any contact with his “old family that he threw away”. Which he won’t get. So, my prayers were answered .
Hang in there.
Here is verse for you.
“For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory ”
Deuteronomy 20:4
Kaya, I believe that their time will come too. I have no interest in knowing about it, seeing it, or hearing about it. My biggest interest is in, as time passes, him crossing my mind less and less until he disappears completely into oblivion. Then only the lessons I have learned will remain.
Jenna
You are right. The “I love you lies” were the worst. Mine told me he loved on Thursday morning and discarded me Thursday evening. Just like that. And on Friday he told men”I not in love with you anymore. They are like that because they work for Satan.
Yes Jenna it’s beyond cruel. Mine killed people in the war as a soldier. I think he had no empathy to start with but those 21 years in the army turned him into even a worse monster than he was when he joined. We won’t understand how they function what is good. I promise you that you will be ok .
Jenna
To be honest I have no idea how to trust another man. I don’t want to be a “man hater”. I have not looked for another relationship. There is a lot of healing I have to do after 20 plus years. And I am not ready to give any ofy positive energy to anyone yet. It’s just enough fur myself , my son and my pets. I hope with time it will get better. But I am contempt being single. And that’s ok.
I have no idea how to trust another man either. While I hope to not spend the rest of my life on my own, I am content being single now too. If and when something presents itself, I have to trust that I will be able to handle it properly.
At the time, I would have said that the biggest asset of my relationship with my ex was companionship. We did a lot of really fun things together and were always on the go. The reality was, the companionship was all an illusion. None of it was real, and I had no idea that for him, I was just convenient and one of many, albeit the “quarterback” of what amounted to his “team”.
The relationship I thought I was in never really existed except in my mind and heart.
95% of all the “good” times were either ruined by his behavior, something he said, the shadow of something that had recently happened, or the fear of what was going to happen next. THAT was the reality.
Jenna
Did you really have companionship with him ? I thought I did but it was all lies.
Hanalei
I always thought bring “single ” is a bad thing. I find it to be quiet the opposite. It’s kind of freeing and peaceful. I thought I had companionship and like you I could never enjoy the moment. All hell could break lose at any moment and the day was ruined. Once I went on a little island with my ex for our wedding anniversary, just for the weekend. He took a photo of me and I told him to delete it since I did not like the way it came out. His answer was “that’s the way you look, if you look ugly , then tou are ugly”. There the entire weekend was ruined. I know that he liked pictures of his ex’s minions much more.
So there was no companionship it was a daily struggle. Almost I had to compete for his affection and love. So very exhausting.
I just went to this island with my son and we had a great time relaxing on the beach. What a difference. And yes I am so super happy I am free .