UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
I agree with you. Yuck. Yuck who would want pictures like that ? Well the co worker was a little older than his son. I guess we can call her teenager. She is a promiscuous party girl. But I think she fed him ego kibbles and at the age of 46 he probably thinks and feels like a teenager. Now, I would not want a man like him, shallow and heartless. Something beneficial that came out of all this is that now I am much more aware and educated about manipulation and control, co dependency and abuse.
You know my ex’s father did the exact same thing to his mother. Today in church, the sermon mentioned how atheists hate their fathers. So true, my ex hated his father. And then he went on and became his own father .
Kaya
I once caught my ex’s father looking at the “personal ad’s” in the paper. Lol I laugh every time I think of his reaction 😉 he shut that paper so quickly and went on the attack as if I’d done something wrong, but he had no power over me so I laughed in his face and said nice try! The thing I really got out of it was where it all started with my ex – apple started on the same tree but my s took it to a whole new level of creepy!
My s also had a 7 year affair with a girl that was just shy of his son’s age – a teenager as you put it! Image being everything to the sociopath, he never saw her in public, never took her on a date or bought her a gift. I’m now fully aware of why he kept her in the national park after dark, down some dingy trail for sex only and I feel sorry for her, she was smitten and he was a p***k that used her valurabilities and lied about who he was…
She also had a 2nd go at him after I moved out and trashed me to try and win him into a “real” relationship. Poor girl doesn’t realize that the s couldn’t be seen in public with her because he knows everyone will judge him on the age difference so he destroyed her mental state over 3 weeks…
Kaya
I can’t find your post/response from yesterday? …
You mentioned that he would put you down and when you’d cry at the beach…
My s did the same thing, all the time, but he somehow always made me feel guilty for starting it…it was so confusing! What got me confused after I left was that he was trying so hard to win me back but he still managed to wreck every day we spent together by saying something that confused me or belittled me. In the end it became how I’d feel when I saw him rather than the words he spoke to convince me to come back – something was always not quite right and I mostly couldn’t put my finger on it. I had no other choice but to focus on how I felt each time I saw him – and it was never good and that had to be enough! I had to pay attention to how I felt instead of searching for answers because his answers always did my head in and never made sense.
As for his looks, well my s was blessed with good genes and he got better with age. He’s also a fitness freak so his diet is perfect, although he got that information from my guidance… image is everything to my s and how he’s perceived by people so losing his uniform is the thing that has knocked him off his pedestal – in his uniform he could score any woman he wanted and had the power to control everyone, in his mind, but that is now gone and he’s like a little lost boy trying to find his mummy to fix it for him – I AM NOT HIS MOTHER! Lol
In the middle
why do you want to give this evil guy so much power and control over you? He thinks you invite him for a party, he pretty much ignores you or says sarcastic remarks. Dont tell him anything about your life. Dont let him in. He made it clear he wants to be with his wife. Why would you want a “man”, if you can call him that, who is capable of lying to his own family?
You are begging him for affection and love, which he will never give you. He uses you for his ego kibbles….
You must stay no contact if you want to heal your heart. He broke your heart and you let him break it in more pieces every time you talk to him.
You know how great it feels to not listen to the b/s of my ex anymore? It is an unbelievable feeling, I can think clearly about ME now….there is nothing about him left in my life. You have to let go. You cannot make someone love you…he cannot love anyone.
Please take the next step and stay no contact. It breaks my heart to see what he does to you.
I was in the hospital once after the final discard. I had asked my ex (that is when we still talked) to please come and stay with our son. Even though he was 18, I would have felt safer. I got no answer. Later when I looked at his financial disclores in the divorce I noticed he was in some fancy restaurant on an island here with the co worker, spending hundreds of dollars for food and alcohol….he never cared about anything but his sexual pleasure. And therefore I will never give him a second of my time again. For me seeing these financial document was a moment that showed me that he was out for him and him only. Certain things came out in the divorce….it was tough to see them but it made me stronger in my decision to divorce this liar. To put an end to it, to say no more….
Now, he begs for contact and I will not give it to him. I receive notes “he is still OUR son”. Really, he never cared about him when he was on cruises, trips and in sex toy stores with his little minion. and he does not care about his child now….its just a possession for him that he lost for good.
I appreciate what your saying. I just wanted to feel like i mattered to some degree and i did not. he looked at me direct in the face and it was stoic and non emotional. like i was talking and he was not hearing a thing. I am tired. very tired.
Inthemiddle, Kaya and NoMoreWool are giving you good, straight up advice. Please listen to them! I completely agree that you are giving him power and control by talking to him about anything.
My ex gave me an std about 4 years into our relationship. He was the only man I had had sex with since I split with my husband, about 6 years earlier. Exactly as NoMoreWool said, when I told him he instantly verbally battered me, blaming me, accusing me of ruining his health and life and when he ran out of steam on the subject after a few days, refused to ever speak of it again. Up until that time, I had never had any health issues at all, now I need to live with this forever. I will FOREVER regret telling him and not just silently leaving the relationship the second I hung up the phone from the doctor. Instead, I stayed with him 3 more years, and he used the std as a reason to be angry with me for all kinds of things, including sex. He once told me he couldn’t have sex with me “normally” anymore because of it, and when I pointed out to him that of course he could, since he had it too, he flew into a rage insisting that HE didn’t have it.
Bottom line – there will be no comfort, sympathy or understanding coming your way from him. Reaching for it will only bring you more pain. There is no combination of words, no subject, nothing you can say that will make him respond to you the way you want him to.
Do NOT invite him to your apartment, and write off that sporting club, I don’t care it means the world to you, DO NOT go if it involves him. Find something else to do, something that will move you toward a healthy life and healthy relationships. If it was me, I’d be making plans to find another job, no matter how long I’ve been at that one, move to another community and start over. It is the perfect time for a fresh start all around – divorce, no ties to a house, and a demon working in the next room.
Within weeks of my ex discarding me for the last time, I vowed to myself that my ex would never know anything about me, ever again, and with the exception of letting his sister know he destroyed me (playing dead, essentially, in the hopes he’d move on), he knows nothing of me, and never will. I will never allow him even the slightest molecule of information on me, how I am, how I am feeling, nothing.
I hope you get settled with a therapist you really like, because then you will have a shoulder and sounding board and you won’t feel the need to go to him for anything. There’s nothing there for you except more pain, worse pain than you have felt up until now. Please stop.
Yay! you are tired – that means your brain is finally processing the conflicting information – he loves me/he loves me not and coming to the conclusion that it was all a scam.
Dealing with the chaos left behind by a sociopath is very tiring. There is no easy way through it, but YOU CAN DO IT!
thanks, yes i am very careful and to have this happen again, well that is what upsets me. I got played and had all at the same time. the best was that his wife was just at the gyn and she is ok, like wtf does that mean…i am so sorry i ever got involved with him and to be with someone so disordered and lies like its no ones business. he cant even remember the lies which made me work overtime to figure out what he said and remember myself which is what im good at. i do have a very good memory.
In the Middle.
I wanted so badly “to matter” to my husband. Being married for over 20 years, moving around the world for years with him because of his Army career. Supporting him through those years. Giving up jobs, friends, places I like living , all to follow him and be a supportive “Army wife”. Taking care of my child while he was “enjoying” playing his Army games overseas. Supporting him being a police officer after he retirered from the Army. Making his lunch, dinner, breakfast every day. Ironing his clothes. You know what….all of that did “not matter”, all of it. He demonized me in the divorce, try to portray me as a mentally ill person, who spent all of “his money”. Claiming I was mentally unstable, not taking my medication as prescsribed (even though I dont take any medication except hypertension). He wanted to play the victim. Poor police officer with crazy wife…of course he had no other choice but engaging in an affair with a 20 something year old…my lawyer and I knew his smear campaign….we were always one step ahead. I could have never fought those accussations on my own…I just didnt have the legal knowledge and power.
In the end, my lawyer and I won…my ex looked like the biggest idiot working for his county Sheriffs Dept… I am sure they still talk about him. But the only reason I survived this ordeal….I cut off all contact and emotions..and treated it like a bad business deal. I did not give any ammunition to add or use. I stayed away from him, no messages, no calls , no emails , no nothing. In order not to be tempted I changed all my numbers and emails..
my lawyer knew exactly what this husband was capable of. We were prepared at all times. At our final court date, I left the building, head held up high, with a smile on my face and I did cry once I got into my car….Tears of joy,thanking the Lord for this outcome. And this is the last time I cried…and it was a happy cry.
And believe me, I miss absoluteyly nothing about my “illusion of a marriage, nothing about him, nothing.”
This thread is broken. I can’t find the current comments – it keeps taking me to January.
I wish that I could get past my relationship. I love this man more than I can ever say. He was my everything. We split after 12 years together, 10 of those being married. I trusted that I had found my soul mate. The love that I had for him was immeasurable. After a couple of years married to him, I was finding out that none of the bills were being paid, we were about to lose the house, the electric and so on would be disconnected and the like. When asked where the money for the bills had gone, his reply was always, “I don’t know. I don’t remember!” After a few years like that, and after literally BEGGING him to allow me to take over the bills, I got us back on track (by then he was rear deep in those VERY high interest rate Cash Now places) but I did it! All was good for a while. Then I found the porn sites he was on. Not your ordinary Porn sites, but things so filthy, I have told no one due to embarrassment. Of course, he said he would never do it again, until I caught him just a few days later. After that, I got as PM on my facebook acct from a family friend. She went into telling me that when he was around 16, he molested his sister (who was about 4 years younger) and she fought him off, then he approached his other sister, constantly asking her to bare her breasts for him and that he had RAPED her (the friend who was writing me this PM). I was sick! I was so incredibly sick to my stomach! After a while, he admitted to the molestation but never admitted to the alleged rape. I still stayed. We went into counseling and he either lied to them, or he blamed everyone but himself. I was at my wits end and told him that either he seek a psychotherapist and I HAD TO GO with him, so he could not lie, or I was leaving. He chose for me to leave. He truly did not think that I would go though and when I found out that I had, in fact, gotten my apartment, the tears flowed from him. I got out in Sept 0f 2014 and he had stopped by, crying, telling me he missed me, etc. Then the texts started coming. I am all for the No Contact thing, but he still had some of my things out at his house that are very dear to me. All of a sudden, everything stopped. His phone got shut off. (Go figure!) It has been almost three weeks since I talked to him but have heard that he has been out, sucking face with some pretty disgusting people and the smear campaign, that started before I moved out, has escalated to full force! Even through all of this, I feel sick that he could move on and discard me like that. I feel pangs of hurt and wanting him back from time to time. When things were good, they were better than I had ever had in my life. I know, I know, that is what they are all about but it still hurts. Now, we are in our 50’s. One would think that he would not go to bars and pick up skanky women, one would think that he would not smear me and one would think, that with all of the info I have on him, he would watch his mouth and step. But no, he continues doing what he does best. Trust me, I have wanted to out him on facebook so many times, it is not even funny! We live in a very small town and I think of all of those who may have granddaughters that he might molest. It scares the heck out of me. But I have not said anything other than to family and close friends. I want him to hurt, but I know that will never happen. He has had ZERO remorse for anything that he has done, from molestations/rape to what he is doing now. I wish so bad that I could just get rid of him once and for all but I know that I have to go back out there again. This time, I will take a Deputy with me though. I see my attorney tomorrow and will definitely talk to her about all of the slander he is saying as well as his mommy and daddy now. They are a HUGE cause of all of this. Never made him responsible for anything in his life. What I would not give to just be done with it all. I wish that I could turn him in for what he has done, but the statute of limitations are clearly over. I feel as if I need to warn people but there is no way that I can. I am sure that I will look just like him if I did. I hate this! I hate this for me and for all of you who have had to go through this! I am so sorry for everyone!
spiritwolf46, huge hugs to you…this man has put you through hell & back countless times. I am so happy you are away from him and smart enough to know that you need to take a Deputy with you to get your things.
This man is never going to change his pattern of behavior is to pathological. You dont love this man seriously you dont love this man one bit…..you loved the idea of who you wanted this man to be when he showed you glimpse of good but he is pure evil he only showed you the good, the love bombing stage again to control you & prevent you from leaving him.
Please know that porn is twice as addicting as cocaine and the porn he was looking must be far worse then porn. He does not have a healthy brain what so ever.
Start your life over without this guy in your thoughts.You were projecting who you wanted him to be but he will never be what you need or want ever. With time I promise you, you will get to a point you will be sooooooooo happy & thankful you left him & you will never want to see him ever again but most importantly you will realize you never loved him he manipulated you to think this way. It takes time, education & some counseling to get to that point but it will happen. I can not even imagine my ex back in my life…the thought of that is just aweful.
Every time you are sad, mad, angry, crying, wanting him back, wanting to call him come to love fraud and read everything at the top of the site & watch the videos there over and over to as these will open your mind up from his brain washing & mind control. This will set your mind free from him.
You are doing so many great things by keeping him out of your life…BRAVO to you..you are much stronger then you think you are and you are making great decisions to protect yourself and to move forward without this evil guy in your life. Pat yourself on the back for this!!!!
For your divorce look at the site Onemomsbattle. com and their facebook page. Open a fake email then a fake facebook page so that you can chat freely on that site without your ex seeing what you are chatting about and also his friends/family. Get a court mandated mental evaluation on your ex and put in court documentations about the porn that he watched and about the child molestation this will be helpful if he remarries or someone investigates him they will see he has a pattern of past bad behavior. As put in the term narcissist with sociopathic traits in court papers.
You dont need to warn people about him…guess what he is going to self destruct right before their very eyes…he will not pay bills & he will be with a different woman each time they see him…people will be very happy that you left him and they will know what you endured just by his own actions. Get some popcorn, grab a seat and watch the crazy show he is going to do around town far away.
Congratulations on your new found freedom away from this evil crazy guy!!
Wow! I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and support! You are wondeful! I pray it will get easier and believe it will, but boy is it ever hard! My heart goes out to each and every single one of you! May we all heal and be much stronger for all we have been through! Thank you again for your wonderful words! xoxoxoxo
Spiritwolf46, Your welcome!! it’s hard when you first leave or during the divorce process because he created an emotional addiction with the “love bombing stage” & then once he had you hooked he dropped his nice mask & you were trying everything to please him to get back to the love bombing stage where he was nice & loving (which was all pretend on his part) this is what you have to break the emotional bond (addiction) and the best way to do this is the no contact rule. Donna has posted a video on the love bombing stage located at the top under the tab “videos”.
My counselor gave me the book Woman who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown. It really opened my eyes to all the manipulative games my ex did to control my mind & how I played right into his evil hands each and every day we were together. So scary & so crazy what they do intentionally. Donna Anderson’s books (Lovefraud) are great too. Just keep reading & then analysis how it relates to your marriage. Your mind will open up to the fact that you did not love him & that he is pure evil and this will set you free. The book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan explains the mind control aspect.
Be kind to yourself during your healing process there will be days that you do great & there will be days you dont want to get out of bed. You will go through all the grieving stages just like a death in the family so do a search on the grieving stage process so you understand what you are going through.
YOU are going to thrive when you finally get to the point you never want to see him ever again…that day is just around a few more corners.
Take care!!
Spiritwolf
He will get his karma one day, especially now that you’ve given him the freedom to be who he really is. You’ve protected that monster for to long, as did I. We were always sitting on the sidelines watching and picking them up on their dysfunction, but we are no longer there keeping them in check – believe me! If rape and molestation is his M.O. then his day of reckoning is on its way, as it is for my ex husband…
I know it’s hard to step back and watch from an unemotional distance but it’s better for your mental state if you can do it that way.
Hugs to you honey 🙂
Hanalei
I feel so sorry for you that you ended up with an STD from this evil ex of yours. And of course he had “nothing” to do with it. They play victims, it is so sickening. I was lucky not to ‘catch” anything from my ex, as these co worker minions were all party girls. I will never forgive for playing with “my life and my health” while he subjected me to have sex with all these other women and their partners. While I thought I was having “safe” sex with my husband, he put me at risk. Not only did he cheat, he played with my welfare. Like you, I will never let him have any information about me or my son. I am sure he can get some things being a police officer. But everything else we keep private, no social websites , no facebook….but the ex tries and tries. He sets deadlines for me to mail him certain documents…which I don’t. We are divorced and we dont share anything..no property, bills , debt or car loans. Everything is seperated. He needs to go on with is life and accept his new reality. He has freedom to be a pervert, he can spend the money he has left on whatever he wishes…but one part thats for ever gone is his family. He needs to come to terms with that….I cannot help him with the decisions he had made. I am not sad anymore about being thrown in the trash because I got a new life now. A life without drame, chaos, lies and betrayals….and he will never be a part of my new life. No matter how much he cries and begs..”you reap what you sow”. He should have knows the consequences of his evil actions. But sociopaths/narcissists live in the moment…whatever feels good in the moment gives them power and admiration. The sex with the young co worker was probably all so good in the moment. He never realized that his sins cost him the love of his son. Something he cannot replace, since he cannot have children anymore.
And this is where my victory comes in…I have everything I ever wished for and much more…
Kaya – I hope to someday reach the point where you are – nothing to do with the sociopath ever again. I ignore what I can and send the rest on to my attorney to deal with. Periodic contact cannot be completely avoided but I minimize it and refuse to respond to the sociopath’s baiting.
nomorewool
i too can’t wait for the day to be like kaya and many of the others on here”there is so much wisdom through their words”just reading the posts daily, even without posting, is part of my daily ritual. if i miss something, i can fall back with the old thoughts of my ex”i need to be here and need to hear their advice and stories to everyone”it helps SO much…
Kaya, I am sorry about the std too, it is something that can never be undone, it was all because of him and his actions, and he didn’t care one bit about giving it to me. Not even one little bit. I was devastated at the time, and he made sure he made it as terrible as possible for me. Like you, I will never forgive him for playing with my life and my health.
It has been almost 7 years since this happened, and I understand why I didn’t leave him at that moment now, but oh, how I wish I would have. I wish I had never looked back.
Hanalei
I wish I didn’t stay that long, I also wish I never looked back, but I did stay too long and allowed the damage to take such a hold that I now live with paranoia. I wish I was whole again….
This is my daily prayer:
” Dear ex husband, I do not exist to build your ego with my pain. My tears are not there to cleanse your soul. I now know that without you I am complete and whole. THANK YOU FOR DISCARDING ME AND OUR SON, YOU GAVE US OUR LIFE BACK.”
kaya48
I have a similar prayer, to God for opening my eyes to the truth and giving me the strength to bear it (the truth). I wrote a thank you note to him, but I thanked one of his trashy flings for showing me what he refused to say in words.
I say if often…
Being discarded by a sociopath is the BEST outcome possible and I thank GOD that it happened to me.
No more wool
if you dont have minor children, or a business together, I think contact can be completely avoided. Thats what my attorney said and he was right. There was no need for me to talk to him at all. Even during the divorce, I would rather pay my attorney then say one word to my ex. But of course if there are minor children it would be difficult to pull of.
At first, it was very hard for me not to respond to his threats and I really had to guard my “inner child” not to give him the response he wanted or hoped for. By not saying anyhting I took my power and control back. Its probably the worst pain you can inflict on a sociopath/narcissist…they hate being ignored. Nothing else gets to them like no contact. Its probably the most powerful weapon I have besides my lawyer. Whenever the ex tries to manipulate, I just pay my lawyer. Last year he refused to sign some paperwork. No sense of telling him because he would just have me in tears. A nice powerful warning letter from my lawyer fixed the problem in a few days. I just will not play into his mind games anymore. I am still too vulnerable and probably will always be to deal with him. Paying this attorney is expensive but so worth it…it saves me high blood pressure, heart racing and tears…..
No more wool, you will get where i am at now..it took over 2 years and a lot of self control, healing, and support from family, friends, co workers and even my director.
Once my ex threatend to have me fired at my job….just b/s..I told my director and I was assured this would not happen….even though they call my ex Cpt America at his police dept, he is not God..but he thinks he is.
Once the minor children are no longer minors I will have no reason to ever have contact with the sociopath again. I look forward to that day.
Hanalei
they just dont care and will never care. When I was once in the hospital for extreme high blood pressure, that was before I was discarded, my ex told the cardiologist “its all in her head, she is crazy”. He did not care about my well being, nothing. Before I was discharged the doctor took me aside and said ” please take care of your heart and lose this evil husband of yours, he is not good for your health”. Did I listen? No, but 2 months later I was discarded anyhow….These were wise words spoken from a very educated physician. He could not find anything physically wrong with me but concluded that my ex’s abuse caused physical symptoms in me, like hypertension emergencies. And it wasnt the first time it happened….
Now, I am still have slight hypertension, but it is well controlled with medications and no more emergencies and ER visits…Thank God for that sexy minion working with him on his nightshifts.
Kaya, at some point after he discarded me, I realized that my ex was basically “experimenting” with me to see how far he could push me – mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially – for his own amusement. I am convinced that eventually, if I had allowed it (and it is scary to think that it could have come to that, with all the brainwashing), he would have done things to me that would have caused permanent, irreversible damage. He USED me, from day one.
Early in our relationship, I started having very bad heart palpitations, and one day at work I truly thought I was going to die during a meeting. I left the meeting and went straight to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof. They put me on meds, and that evening we were sitting in his kitchen and I was telling him about it. His reaction? He said that he had never had to take any sort of medication in his life, and he wasn’t sure how he felt being with someone who had to take a daily medication.
I excused so much because he was insecure, stupid, inexperienced, merely insensitive, busy, distracted, a “typical” man, tired, didn’t understand what I said, you name it. The reality was, my first gut instinct was right about him. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
He told me a thousand times, if he told me once, that everything he did was in my best interest even if I didn’t see it at the time. I realize now that was correct, if your interpretation was that my best interest was to keep him pleased 100% of the time, no matter what the personal cost to me.
The best thing that ever happened to me was him discarding me that day and leaving me like a piece of trash. I was the lucky one.
Hanaleimoon
I remember realizing that it was not enough for my ex to be cruel, he wanted to see my anguish. You know how it is, you get numbed, you shut down, I had accepted that I was so worthless that this was my lot in life. I was probably very depressed. But he’d be cruel, and if he didn’t see a strong enough response, he’d up the ante until I was a blithering pool of mush, and then he’d smirk that self satisfying look, happy that he proved my disgusting unworthiness and had rubbed my face in it until I wanted to die.
Hanalei
My instincts didn’t warn me until 6 months into living together but the signs were always there. I look back now and I never should have dated him! If my self worth was a strong as most of my friends then I would have run when I met him, but I was there with bells on when he decided it was time to get together, 2 years later…
My mantra from now on is “your loss, next!” Lol
My instincts have become my best friend and now if someone isn’t on my page from the get-go then they’re gone!
HM and kaya
they don’t care”it can be an STD or anything important, they think of themselves.
back a few months ago before he left me, i have mentioned this before on here then as well, i wasn’t sure if i was pregnant or starting pre menopause”i figured it had to be the menopause at 49 there was no way i could be pregnant”shortly after thinking this i got my period so heavy i had to go to the gyno where she told me it was very likely i was pregnant, but lost it”no way to take tests at that time.
i didn’t tell him at first but a few months after he had been married, after all the months i went NC he contacted me begging for forgiveness and how much he wanted me back”.until i said i believe i could had been pregnant”.he wasn’t too happy about that and he blamed me for holding onto that info to lure him back to me”YUCK”.they don’t care”.life or death”.
Janedoe, that is just typical, isn’t it? The similarity in the way they act is really creepy, it’s like there’s a rule book.
The day I got the call about the std, we had stopped to rent a movie on our way to Mexico for the weekend. I took the call while he went in, and when we got in the car he could tell something was wrong. I wanted to wait to process it to tell him, but he begged me to tell him what was wrong, because (he said) I was scaring him and he loved me so much, if something was wrong, I needed to tell him. So I did. Ooooh, boy. His reaction to blame me was immediate and went on without relief for the whole weekend. He said I made his skin crawl, had jeopardized his health and ruined his dating prospects.
Well guess what? Finally we’re even, because the thought of him makes MY skin crawl.
HM
he blamed you for jeopardizing his health and dating prospects?
he is telling you right out that he isn’t going to be with you or had no intention of doing so and now you handed him a big obstacle to overcome??? OMG it is about only them…when you think sometimes they could have some normal qualities, they just about ruin it for themselves…and yep its ALWAYS our fault..
Jan7
you labeled it so correctly, the day will come when we will “thrive”. Yes, it might take a while for this day to come. And at first I did not believe this day will ever come. I was so hooked in his puppet strings, it took so much hard work to get out of his web of lies and manipulation. I was so brainwashed and gaslighted for 20 plus years. I would say the first 6 months after a discard or after leaving is the most difficult times. And still now I have moments when I mourn the loss of my marriage, not the loss of him. It has been 2 years for me now and I slowly recovered. He left me in financial ruin but he did not take my values, my morales and my life. And like many I am grateful for his little minions to come along. They are my replacement, they are the puppets on the strings now.
I still remember my “zombie time” right after the discard. Anger, Sadness, Depression, it was undescribable. How I managed to go to work every day, prepared with my attorney for court, took care of my pets, be there for my son…I really dont know how I managed but I did….and thats all it counts.
There is a light at the end, darkness will vanish and you will see every day in a new light….everything is so much brighter for me now. Just hearing birds singing or blue skies, sunrise or sunset..it has a different meaning now. Because before I was so occupied with pleasing him, trying to make him happy, trying to keep him satisfied…later on playing detective..I did not notice the simply beautiful things called life….
Kaya48, what you wrote is so accurate. I was the same way, like you state the first 6 months were “difficult time” & like you I was occupied with running around trying to “please him” then later “playing detective”.
It is so crazy that all of these sociopath use the same play book and all the victims basically go through the same emotional state. Thank goodness for LF & other support sites they are all a true blessing for us to know that we are not alone or crazy.
kaya
so well said and so true and precise””web of lies and manipulation” that is a perfect way to put it”we were like a spider tangled in their web”
the thriving will eventually get here, for all of us”and l start to even now, look forward to such small things to make me happy”believe it or not, cooking brings me a lot of rewards”when involved with him i would make suppers for the kids but i wanted it to be quick and over with so i could get back to focusing on waiting for his response, or wondering where he was or if he were lying”omg it was something i couldn’t turn off”.now, i pour a glass of wine and i cook, i go through recipes, i go out and buy things for different recipes i wouldn’t have taken the time to do before”just something as simple as that brings me great pleasure once again”
yes the first 6 months is the hardest and starting NC as well..but when you see how our brains take an automatic reaction to time and NC”it is amazing..something we thought would NEVER happen or help
So often I read that my life was the same with the s and so often I read that my life with NC has had the same results.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this journey ★