UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jan7
You know towards the end I honestly thought I was going “crazy”. He would say or do something and then later deny it, all for me to question my own sanity. My witness was my son and he often reminded me that No, I was not crazy. He really said those things. I just dont understand why they cannot just ask for a divorce, leave without the “crazy making ” part. My therapist once told me that they have to so they deflect their guilt onto us, what makes them feel inferior. Its a game played by Satan.
After the initial shock I was still hoping for his return. For months I begged him to come back to his family. His answer always was ” I had to leave because you are mentally ill”. No, I was not mentally ill, I was emotionally abused by him. But I did not realize that back then. That is why having no contact at all is so important. While we still communicate with evil, they can keep playing us like they always had. Now, I laugh about his b/s. Really? He thinks I am still the same person. He underestimated me, my attorney and the judge. Maybe one of his minions will give him back the power,but thats not my problem anylonger. We are free….free to be us again. My son and I can finally breathe in our own home, we can think and do as we like and not according to the ex’s standards…those standards dont exist for us anymore. What a difference. So many people tell me that I look and act so much happier since the divorce. People who dont even know that I got divorced….when I tell them, they are surprised. How can you be so happy about a divorce? If they only knew….
The truth is my ex husband was the same way and that the NP was the same way but worse. I am done with all of it. I am looking forward to 2 weeks without the NP as he is going on vacation so i can start the NC with a good clip of time. It wont matter to him i am not speaking with him but it will be good for me so i dont have to take his words and wonder what is truth and what is not. I am so tired of all of it. I hope that i feel better soon as this is so hard. my ex is still in the picture for the health insurance reasons but he doesnt want to get back together. I want to be out of all of this.
Everyone immediately noticed the difference in me when I went NC. It was like I shed a giant shrink-wrap of stress and could finally relax.
Nomorewool
(Laughing) yes! Life does resemble the loss of a giant shrink wrap. Thanks for the smile and I’m glad you recognized the freedom you feel and your not solely focused on what you lost… you won!
Jane doe,
Thanks for your words. I know you will get to this point one day. Looking back it was a difficult path. I just read about another possible red flag. When I first met my ex I was surprised that he was interested in me. I am an average looking person, and he was a very handsome looking young soldier. These doubts in my head should have been a warning. I already had this feeling that he felt so inferior to me….which later on he used on a daily base. One of his favorite sayings was ” you should be happy I married you, because I am so handsome and sexy, I could just pick any woman or girl at the mall or at the beach.” He absolutely meant those words. I should have divorced him right then and there.
I have no idea how he looks now since I did not even glance at him in court. He is so focused on his looks and sex that he is empty inside, shallow to the core. And he does not have a soul. He is Satans tool. Like I said before, my ex reminds me of Lucifer, the most beautiful angel, cast out of heaven because of his pride and evilness, becoming Satan. I will always compare him to Lucifer. I have done that since the day I met him. I was living in hell for the past 20 years, even though my surroundings are like paradise, my life was pure hell.
just read a note from my therapist from last year:
“Your husband/ex husband’s weapon of choice is always verbal – slander, lies, playing the victim in flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of your relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is and always will be his goal. Do not communicate him in any way.”
Yes, I followed her advice and I survived.
Kaya, I’m wishing there was a “LIKE” button! 🙂
HanaleiMoon
You are the LIKE button. So I’ll just “LIKE” you too! kaya48 posts give me great peace of mind.
😀
Thank you Hanalei, Not, and many others.
I am glad I can post my comments here. 2 years ago, there were so many here who helped me to overcome this pain and heartache and it feels good to be able to help others now.
I found something interesting….at first I was always wondering if my ex misses me or the family and this is a good explanation of what he “misses”:
He misses having someone take complete care of him, the “special treatment”.
He misses ot being able to be himself. He can’t do that with is new supply.
He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
He misses being “God”.
He misses not having adult responsibilities.
All the above have nothing to do with us, and everything to do with him. So in other words, he does not miss me or his family. Its all about their ego and having control.
Are you sure we haven’t been talking about the same sociopath? It is just eerie how similar the stories are from all over the place.
Nomorewool
I agree! They are so similar it’s eerie but I find peace in that fact, I’m not alone in my journey and I feel like I’m part of a family on LF who understands and shows me compassion while also relieving my confusion ★
AAACCCkkk! Kaya48!
My ex does not SAY he misses these things. But when he was discarding me, erasing me, he went out of his way to say the “special treatment” was not worth much.
But… his emails to me, lamenting his “losses” all complain that no one cooks anymore, no one is considerate. Such a JERK. Yes, I am a natural nurturer. I LIKED old fashioned cooking, meals on the table when my husband walked in from work. And since I appreciated his hard work, I looked for ways to make his home a castle for him. But he had NO appreciation for it. And I was just the scapegoat to ridicule and put down and vent his anger at others so he could be nice to their face.
TO me, it’s funny now, how he laments his “losses”, the same losses that I used to ask him, doesn’t this “x” matter to you (family home for dinner on his timetable, etc.) and he ridiculed the very losses he feels I took from him. He just can’t see that he THREW THAT LIFE AWAY. He “WON”, he was dominant and pursued what he wanted, and dumped what he didn’t.
Yep Kaya48. He has his ego and control, freedom to reject, and ridicule (it never stopped), and to be with any woman he wants. Poor baby. Turns out NONE of those women are okay with him having other woman. Go Figure!
NoMoreWool
Haha. ~groan. Once we finally understand what a sociopath is and does, the stories are eerily similar. Details might be different but their attitudes are the same. Heh heh. There’s power in TRUTH! Heh heh.
nomorewool, NWHSOM, undertheradar,
yes stories are so similar one would think they are one person…but i can tell you, it doesn’t get better as they get older…mine is 60 and is worse now than when i met him…the promises and the lies and cheating during and NOW wanting to cheat on his wife, implicate me in helping him do so and then writing me the very next day taking all his promises and stories back and is suddenly righteous and can’t do this to her or me….YES i believed him at first back at first contact since NC at xmas but since it has happened three different times, its like textbook behaviour….lovebombing off the wall and he just takes it all back very next day…i am sure when he love bombs me, he is jacking himself off while doing so and once he feels relieved, reality sets in and he becomes righteous and tells me his morals won’t let him do this…i wish i could vomit…
NC is the best feeling in the world and especially since i blocked him..he is probably going nuts
Janedoe
Yes you’re right, he will be going nuts! My s is proof! He pulled up behind me on Saturday and made sure he would get a word in… I’ve blocked every other Avenue of communication and I’m convinced he was waiting for me up the riad just so he could have contact.
Said it’s been a month and just wanted to catch up during the week for coffee, so we could reconnect… yeah right! He even expected me to give him my new phone number – umm hello! Crazy!!!
I also think that I “understand” a little how these evil creatures function. When they wake up in the morning, they are plagued by a huge inner “hole”, an intense pain and anxiety within them. With that “hole” comes the manic surge of self loathing, self doubt and intense shame. So, they get out into the world to start extracting narcissistic supply in order to feel better. When they get attention from the opposite sex, he receives temporary relief from the inner torment that is ever persistent.
The truth is that they will wake up like this every morning, they will carry the inner demons that never healed and will never heal.
They will never change.
We only have one option and that is to leave this troubled monster and take care of ourselves.
The sociopath used to frequently complain about not feeling “good” – not in an “I’m sick” sort of way either. It’s like that old James Brown song that starts out “I feel good.” The sociopath thinks that every minute of the day should be that way and it is up to the minions to make it so.
I am seeing that no matter how hard i try I cant figure it out and think if I cant fix him how in the world can i fix myself. I see him I see parts of me in him which why i was drawn to him in the first place. I feel like I have nothing and I am old and ugly and there is no hope for me either. I am so by myself it is so sad. I hate that I dont have anyone and i am so alone. no one to talk to abt this no family no friends because now that I dont want to be a doormat no one wants to be around me. I guess that they were never my friends but at least i had someone. My whole life has been someone telling me how to think how to act how to feel and without these so called friends i dont know how to feel is why I start on the NP train wishing wanting and trying to figure it all out. Everyday i try to figure out why i still want him and care about him. I dont want him because he is still married but why i still have feelings for him and they have not gone away. I dont know how to make them go away.
inthemiddleofheartache
This post shows what you need to work on in therapy.
You are attracted to someone who tells you how to think, act, feel. That is a description of a controller, such as a sociopath.
PLEASE. You must learn to care for yourself. You’ve lost yourself. Therapy is a good place to find “YOU”! As someone pointed out, the recovery turns out to be all about ourselves.
inthemiddleofheartache, hugs to you!!
I think when you leave the sociopath you start assessing the people around you & reading your post it sounds like you have been around takers & not givers. You are a giver so you need to find giving & loving people to surround yourself.
Check out the site Meetup. com it’s a free site that list all the organizations, groups & clubs in your city. Find a hobby group that you enjoy or always wanted to do and join it. Stick with the women only groups for now until you are not so vulnerable.
If you enjoy animals adopt a cat or dog from your local shelter…this would be great companionship for you on a daily bases.
I would also suggest that you go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free women group meetings so that you dont feel so alone & isolated.
You state: “Everyday i try to figure out why i still want him and care about him”….he created a emotional bond by using love bombing & brain washing & mind control. You need to break the emotional bond a qualified counselor can help you with this but also every time you are sad, angry, upset etc read, read, read about sociopathic behavior and how he did these things to you. This will help open your mind up from his brain washing.
Read the book Love Fraud by Donna Anderson (this sites creator see book store at the top of this site) and also my counselor gave me the book Woman Who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown this book explains EVERYTHING and will answer all of your questions. The book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan explains the brain washing aspect…this man is a cult leader and you were his cult follower literally.
Donna Anderson of LoveFraud has a coaching program where you can talk with her for a min fee this too may help you out to give you some guidance in your healing process.
The most important thing I learned in my healing process is to reach out for help. YOU are not alone hon so please reach out with your local abuse center, and/or Donna Anderson or/and a counselor who is extremely knowledgeable with narcissistic abuse.
The USA National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE where you can talk with a free counselor 24/7 and they can also give you your local abuse center numbers.
Look into also getting your hormones balanced from a adrenal doctor or hormonal doctor as this is an issue for healing PTSD. also do a search on “adrenal fatigue symptoms”.
How to make them “go away”…implement the NO Contact Rule asap….do a search on this site at the top “no contact rule” and do a search on the net “no contact rule narcissist’ & “no contact rule sociopath”. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE PEACE FROM THESE EVIL PEOPLE.
Take care.
Inthemiddle
You will see it differently one day, as I did. One day your focus will change and the voice in your head will start supporting your new knowledge – and you’ll finally see the crazy for what it was. One day honey, your life will be your own again and he will be nothing more than a sociopath to you.
Somewhere inside, you are learning that it’s not about you, there was nothing wrong with you and that will surface one day and all will change – hang in there because you’re on that path.
inthemiddleofheartache, I’ve posted here before telling you how much I identify with your situation, as I felt completely alone too. Like you, I found out that most, if not all of my “old” friends were fair weather, and were not there for me. I have minimal family (an elderly mother and an alcoholic brother who is openly hostile to me if he interacts with me at all).
I felt just as alone as you do, maybe more, because I do not have children, and at the time, I didn’t even have a job to go to every day to distract me. I could have written your words “I feel like I have nothing and I am old and ugly and there is no hope for me either. I am so by myself it is so sad.” I know I said them about a thousand times.
As it turns out, this is nothing but self pity and beating ourselves up and as Not says, it is what you need to work on therapy. You HAVE lost yourself, just as I had.
The reason that you still want and care about him is that it would be the EASY route. You are addicted, psychologically and chemically, and your continued contact with him is keeping that alive. Even though you knew he was married, was canoodling with Melissa or whoever, you believed that you had a future with him. You did not. You never did. But, by hanging on to that, you THOUGHT you had a life. You did not. The harsh, stark reality is that you didn’t have anything more when you were “with” him than you do now.
I can say that because that was ME. This is some sick, twisted thinking”but that is what they do to us.
Take full advantage of your therapy!
We are all responsible for our own lives and what they look like. Mine is not where I want it to be yet, but I work on it every day, some days are successful and some days, not so much, but I KNOW that it is better than it was when I was with him.
Beware black and white thinking! I know you are not old – you are at least 20 years younger than me, so shut the hell up 🙂 and it is doubtful that you are truly ugly. You FEEL this way because of what you have been through and it takes a lot out of you. Look around. There are people of all shapes, sizes, ages and looks enjoying life. Your therapist will help you stop focusing on this.
Are you REALLY all alone? For me, when I was wailing that lament, what I was really saying was that I didn’t have HIM. I did’t have the shitty false friends that I had thought were true. As it turned out, I met a new friend that was always kind to me, and we started palling around a little. From there I met her husband, and he became a friend. At first, I told her what was going on with me, but as time went on, I left that out of our friendship, as going to an art show and laughing over lunch felt better. Jan7’s advice to look at meetup is GREAT! I have done that myself.
You have much to do! You are getting ready to move, finishing your degree, working in therapy and a fresh start is ahead of you. My tried and true is going to the gym, and just saying hi to someone”comment on their shirt, or the exercise they are doing. It may not turn into a friendship, but you will at least have had a brief conversation with someone and trust me, it makes you feel GOOD. Maybe you will see that person again and say hi. Maybe not. But you will have gotten the benefit.
Right now, I still have very few people in my life, but it will not be that way forever. I make the most of every human interaction I have, and to sound new agey, allow the good feelings to wash over me and sustain me. I would love to have a life partner and a close group of true, kind, loving friends, and hope that builds as the future unfolds”but for now, when I find myself feeling sorry for myself for being alone, I ask myself it that is really true, or if I am just wanting the “illusion” of what I thought I had with him.
As they say, every day you are above ground is a good day, and I do my best. You have to start to do that too”and the only way you can is by letting go of the edge of the pool and swimming out a little bit farther each day. You won’t see all the good things out there unless you stop looking (figuratively) only at him.
This is just stream of consciousness from my own walk through hell. I hope even a word of it helps. Sending you hugs.
Kaya
I never thought of it that way but have to admit that I think I wake up in a hole most days… maybe I’m the narc? Maybe I’m just wishing the s would feel that way because I haven’t ever seen that in him – interesting to ponder so thanks 🙂
undertheradar
HAHA! You are SO not the narc.
As my therapist told me, just the fact that you pose the question is the answer. Introspection is NOT on the list of their characteristics.
Introspection implies willingness to be held accountable and empathetic remorse (the ability to FEEL how the other person felt).
So you can put that particular worry in the round file. 🙂
NWHSOM
lol this question has come up several times during my time with the spath. I’m hearing ya! But it’s weird that I can see that I’d be the one doing or feeling that way.
Do you think we just see what we want to see sometimes? That we could only read this person from our own experience? Sometimes I find it hard to wrap my head around the complete opposite reactions from the s to what I would think and feel. I know on an intellectual level but its hard not to the blame or judge myself sometimes, especially since I’m one that always puts my hand up to take blame…
undertheradar
While I accept that FIRST we see from our perspective, we still possess the ability to stand in another person’s perspective. It might take a little processing but we do it automatically when we see a child lonely and crying, or the ad on tv of a teary eyed parent proudly sending their child off to college or a new job.
What’s hard for us is to imagine the evil thoughts of a person without conscience. We have almost no frame of reference.
I was raised to take responsibility in my family. It was a point of pride for me, that my mom thought me capable enough to trust the safety and well being of my siblings. But I was also the family scapegoat. I was blamed when things went wrong. So, I do automatically blame myself when others treat me badly. I agonize over what I said, what they possibly assumed, how did I say it. I try to explain. But what I’ve learned is that people who refuse to hear my explanations aren’t interested in coming to an understanding or resolving a problem. They want their way and use bullying to get it. That’s my birth family in a nutshell. It’s what I battle as a mature adult. And it’s also my ex, a sociopath and his sociopath family.
My therapist helped me to learn to stop trying to fix what others refuse to allow to be fixed. You can’t get anywhere when the other has an agenda that excludes resolution. Sometimes it takes me a bit to catch on, because I auto think “why would you do this to me???”.
But once I learned about sociopaths and that they and everything about them is a dead end, I realized my best effort is to cut off and walk away. I don’t have enough days in my life to use up on someone who will never care. I’m better off with someone who is available for possibilities, even if at that moment, the only person available is me.
Remember. We are not to blame for someone else’s choice to commit “crimes”.
NWHSOM
you are an inspiration! I love the way you look at the responsibility your family loaded onto you. Having a sense of pride is better than how I took it! Lol although at the time I just did rather than think and it wasn’t until I had a whole new life outside my family that I ever looked back with questions…
My dad was really violent and my mother wasnt strong enough to cope so I did all the mothering of my siblings. I just took over but I did pay a price for it because they all, including my mother, still expect me to be bullet proof and strong enough to cope with anything. This is ok with me to a point but when I left the spath I needed them to be strong for me but I’m still their lacky – the go to girl to fix everything. There was also another problem created by my ability to rise above or dust myself off and start again with enthusiasm for the next adventure, they ended up resentful and tried everything to pull me down so they could feel better about themselves – I’m strong but I’m no Mother Teresa! That hurt me more than Dad beating me up.
undertheradar (note, when I say you, I mean me, we, the general “you”, not you personally, but as in this happened to me, and possibly to you.)
I think I know what you mean. When there is an expectation set upon you that you’re perfect and therefore, you can give and give and they don’t have any responsibilities. It’s all on you.
I call that the “Gotchas”.
The demand that YOU be perfect, never make a mistake, never have a need, always be the rescue, always FIX the problem.
But there’s a catch, the gotcha.
IF, IF you are ever NOT perfect, they completely invalidate you. All your good deeds, the times you bailed their ass out of a bad situation, that’s ALL wiped clean as if you never did it. Because now you are the FAILURE. They have a bizarre definition of failure by the way. Their definition is that they made a demand and you didn’t fulfill it in the way they wanted so now you’re a failure. That they have any responsibility is not even considered.) And then they build their self worth on your failure. “See, I am better than you because YOU FAILED.”
I had that family. NOTHING I did was enough. It got to me. No appreciation. No “gee I didn’t do anything so how can I diminish what you were able to give?”. The final straw was a Christmas where I was the WHOLE Christmas, from the décor and events to the presents and dinner on Christmas Day. They didn’t give one present to me, and I was okay with that because I knew the money wasn’t there. But they started piling on that I was selfish because I didn’t do/give enough in their eyes. And I went home and cried and cried and cried. And gave up. I stopped trying to fill the hole for them. It wasn’t doing them any good and it was killing me.
To this day, I fight the shame of not being enough. My ex used that as one of his sticks to beat me with. That I wasn’t enough so anything he did was okay, the cheating, the deprivation, the gossip, the ridicule. It goes on, and did go on until I said No. You can be that way but I’m not going to be the target, I’m GONE.
That’s just one part of how my childhood set me up to be vulnerable to a sociopath, and how my gem of a therapist showed me the poison of backwards thinking that we carry, subconsciously, all my life. But not anymore for me.
I still give, and when I give, it’s done with NO strings attached. But I do not submit to shame or rejection by the receiver. So I guess it’s with strings after all, because if the response is abuse, then that giving will never happen again. I have others to give to.
I am a CHILD OF GOD and as such, I have the ultimate responsibility to care for the well being of GOD’s child. That means, I am not available to be anyone’s scapegoat anymore. It hurts to be rejected because what I gave was not enough, but really… they weren’t accepting/loving me in the first place, were they? I was their tool, not their family member. I was already rejected, I just didn’t know it.
ps I have a small circle of friends, we are “sisters”. Not blood, but in spirit. And I am very happy with my “family” of sisters.
NWHSOM
oh I like that – “gotchas!” and I can relate!
Know that I would have been standing right along side you that Christmas. I would (and have) been the only present giver, even last Christmas was a guilt trip for my family to lay because I didn’t have the big family Christmas at my house and didn’t provide everything – 1 Christmas in 30 years because I now live in a box!
I think I was a wake up to my mother when she called me lower than vermon because I didn’t give her money. No mention of all the things I’d paid for her or helped her with financially just an insult. She lost me that day and I couldn’t care if I ever saw her again, I do but no effort is made on my part and she is a sickly woman that needs me more than ever but I’ve lost all respect.
I think it’s funny that I can have the self worth of being good enough when it comes to my family yet that is the same demon that allowed my husband to undermine my self worth – I to struggle with it?
Have a fantastic day 🙂
Some good news for you all before I rush off to work 😉
1 – A rumor sufficed late night that the s was arrested last Saturday, details of which are sketchy but we’ll know later today.
2 – a friend gave me a free ticket to the “raw challenge” which is “miss muddy” on steroids and I can’t wait! Tickled pink! Yippee!
Sweet dreams all you over there xo
undertheradar
Good news is aways a happy way to start the day. If you ex gets a little karma, so much the better! I can live vicariously when a sociopath gets theirs.
And…. Love the Miss Muddy video I found on youtube. Looks like LOTS of fun! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvuXS_aQZpU
Whoohoo! Will look for another video on Raw Challenge!
Haha NWHSOM
we have to be careful what we wish for! I’ve woken up with swollen glands and muscle fatigue so I won’t be doing the raw challenge – my karma for wishing him karma…
I didn’t find out why he was arrested either 🙁
undertheradar
hmmmm. Karma for wanting a sociopath to be stopped from harming? I don’t think so.
Sounds like a bit of a flu to me… #undertheweather.
A couple questions that mean a lot to me to hear other experiences —
— Have you found that the creep changed at all in the time you knew, or after you knew him? Did he process the experience and come up with any new interpretation or seem to have a new view of you and your time together? Not necessarily a correct view, just asking if you noticed any change.
— Do you think pedophiles are all sociopaths? They are all obviously very ill and very harmful. As I work on the internation with a sociopath, and would like to compare. Have you known of pedophiles that were different than sociopaths at least some of the time (such as when they weren’t doing the abuse)?
thanks
Curls
Are you knew to finding out what happened in your relationship? I’m just trying to gauge where you’re coming from before I answer as I’m not entirely sure my response will be correct if I’m not on the same page…
1 – they all change after they think they’ve done and said enough to hook us in. They also get bored very easily so the change is inevitable – what’s your story?
2 – all pedophiles are disordered, either sociopath or psychopath. They feel like they are entitled to do it even though they could know that it is wrong in the eyes of normal people. My sociopath thought he’d get away with it and I’m convinced that he did not know how his actions were affecting his victims because he has no compassion or conscience. Normal people way up consequences by learning from their mistakes but disordered people don’t have that ability and that is why they get worse as they age.
I did read a story about a highly decorated military officer in Canada that was the first known case of becoming a sociopath in his 40’s rather than being born a sociopath so I suppose anything is possible…
A couple questions that mean a lot to me to hear other experiences —
— Have you found that the creep changed at all in the time you knew, or after you knew him? Did he process the experience and come up with any new interpretation or seem to have a new view of you and your time together? Not necessarily a correct view, just asking if you noticed any change.
— Do you think pedophiles are all sociopaths? They are all obviously very ill and very harmful. As I work on the internation with a sociopath, and would like to compare. Have you known of pedophiles that were different than sociopaths at least some of the time (such as when they weren’t doing the abuse)?
thanks
(I posted this above but meant for it to wind up at the bottom. I’ll delete the above copy when the edit button becomes available.)
If you are thinking of recontacting the perp in your life… does this image help?
There are well known sociopaths, such as Hitler.
Would you consider getting together with him to try to heal and change him?
If you are dealing with someone sociopathic… does it make sense to get together with him to try to heal and change him?
Curls
Getting back with a sociopath to heal or fix them would be a huge mistake… gain as much knowledge as you can, read everything on here and follow the links as suggested – you will learn why you can’t fix them and why it would only hurt you to try.
Thank you for posting this comment. It’s what I too need to hear. I’m new here and learning/educating myself. I hope it all helps. It’s so upsetting and unbelievable.
Remember
Life with a spath is destructive and hurts deep down to your soul but knowing who they are and what they did is liberating as the confusion slowly dissolves.
At first, when I left, I thought things might have been a little different for me, that somehow, maybe I could be wrong, but I wasn’t and only time and acting on the wonderful advice from my LF family (yes they became my trusted family circle) saved me from the craziness.
Hang in there because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not an on coming train as I once thought 😉
I broke no contact last Sun via email because my old email address I couldn’t delete from a tablet. Anyways, I decided to look at it, I changed phone numbr and email, and saw that he was still emailing me until mid Feb. I didn’t read any of them except the last one and I replied something short. We ended up emailing yhe next day and at this time I was so sick and depressed, and he was,so quick to twist and turn the convo around. I felt myself get worked up, but I didn’t. I went gray rock on him. I didn’t know what that was, but I instinctively knew. I will never win. I have no energy. He is not a friend. He is the enemy.
Thank you for listening…
Hanalei and Not
I did feel “old and ugly” also when he left me for this 20 year something sexy young party girl/deputy co worker. That was for the first 4 to 6 months. I learned that No, we are not old and ugly or worthless. We are children of God and we are loved by our father. He does no abondon us or leave us…no , it is the evil men who do this. There is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with my looks or with being almost 50 years old. It was HIM and HIM only who had the problems, not me..It was HIM who destroyed our family and marriage. It was HIM who was out for himself, for his selfish needs and desires, something that I could never fulfill. The sex he gets with his minions are temporary, nothing is permanent in his life. His is shallow and heartless. I could have been Miss Universe and he still would have cheated and left.
Everytime I look in the mirror, I try to find something I love about myself. Maybe my hair, my eyes, whatever..and I tell myself everyday. :I am being loved by God, the way I am….not the way my ex wanted me to look or act. After over 20 years I can be myself again..I might be a few pounds overweight and not in the same shape as I was when I was 20…
But those years made me wiser and stronger….its all about myself now. I know I have the love of my child and it definetely makes a huge difference. I dont have any other family here. But I have my life.
What they did to us is cruel and unfair but we are still here. Maybe not living the same life standard we used to..but I would not trade my new life for living in a mansion again and sitting in my hiding closet crying and shaking because once again he reduced me to nothing….No way would I ever go back there. Today is the 2 years anniversairy of his discard. After all the court proceedings and drama, it was still the best 2 years …..because I am free of this monster. And I will never give him the opportunity again to “mess ” with me….the game is over. He should have never underestimated me the way he did. It backfired in my favor and ended up in his loss…loss of family, friends, finances, integrity, loss of everything for him. Oh, yes he has the sex with the minions left….that should be plenty for this pervert…
Not, stay strong, dont look into the past…just focus on today.
kaya48
With time comes wisdom. When we are IN the nightmare, the words of a sociopath and his minions are near impossible to keep out of our psyche. My ex used the information I shared with him about my childhood, how unwanted I was, how I was so ugly that sometimes I stayed home from school just to have a day when my mom was at work and no one was around to remind me of how unloved and ugly I was. Like every sociopath, my husband used my vulnerabilities to paint an untrue image of me, just as he used HIS well protected reputation to portray an untrue image of him.
You are SO right Kaya48. Not old, ugly, or worthless. Just those little FACTS, that we are the beloved of GOD, and that we LOVE make us more beautiful in our one body than all the studliness of sociopaths combined.
I don’t have the financial standard that I had when I was married, but then again, he doesn’t either. I made good solid decisions which grew our wealth. With help from family/minions, my ex hid and defrauded me of my portion… I escaped with a small bit so that I wasn’t homeless, but I was a mess and have not recovered financially. My ex, who retained MILLIONS? Lost it ALL within three years of our divorce. Without me to put brakes on bad loans and bad investments, he screwed up. And blames me. Ug, Nothing new there.
You are so right Kaya48. And I have empirical proof.
I once met a woman who went through the windshield in a car accident. It ripped her face up into ribbons. It was a shock to look at her the first time, you could imagine her horror as a teen to realize what she had lost. BUT… she had such a good spirit about her that you forgot her looks within minutes because her beingness was so enjoyable. She was completely sincere and kind and considerate and funny and smart and capable. We shared an apartment for a few years until she got married. ANd I have to say, we had a GREAT social life, meeting others in our work group and all of us going on vacations, cookouts, concerts. SHE was so FUN. What I call a good solid Christian. She LIVED her beliefs, and was the most beautiful woman I knew. She’s one of the reasons that I have a philosophy that LOVE is what matters.
CONGRATS to you Kaya48 and your 2 yr anniversary. And you know, his discard, your nightmare, IS worth celebrating now. It was the beginning of the possibility of a truly good life. A life you would NEVER have had, married to your ex.
Like you, the finances were really beat up.
BUT the QUALITY of my life has BLOOMED in ways that were NEVER possible while I was married to the monster. I predict, an easy prediction, that your life will continue to blossom and grow. And because you are BEAUTIFUL to EVERY person who looks at WHO you are, there will be someone wanting to share your life. Just be careful, really careful, that he really is worthy of you.
~just me, NWHSOM, focused on today but knowing that GOD has blessed me with unlimited future possibilities. 🙂