UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Has anyone watched the Dr Phil show on Friday. A typical “I would label him narcissist” who brought out the worst in his wife was on the show. I identified myself with his wife in almost every way. He pushed and pushed, blamed and accused until she did act in a “crazy way”. My ex also brought out the worst in me….I would have never acted in ways I did. And he enjoyed every minute of it because he was able to label me ” mentally unstable”. He got his accomplishment again. By lying, cheating and blaming he worked my emotions up for me to become a crying mess…every time he dialed it up a notch…until he called his cop friends to send me for a mental evaluation. That was his ultimate goal.
Only that I was a very sane woman…he honestly thought he was Cpt America, Superman, phsychatrist….God..
this is why I will never have contact with my ex again. Because the next step would be criminal charges against me. And my lawyer might not get me out of that….so no contact is my safety in place against bogus accussations he could file against me…
Kaya48, I reacted to mine in crazy ways as well. They will make you crazy plain and simple. I don’t know how anyone is going to be able to be with him.
kaya48
Wish I’d seen the show. I don’t watch Dr Phil because I did once and he let the jerk smear the victim. It bothered me a lot, emotionally really upset me.
What did Dr Phil have to say at the show ended. Did he let this narcissist get away with their abuse and buddied up to it?
Remember as we advise others here, abusers win in the short term because we were ambushed by a monster with hidden agendas and other lives. But in the longterm, if we get away and get perspective, there’s a whole better life of joy and satisfaction and companionship with people who are NOT disordered.
I admit, I haven’t resolved my heartache about my daughter yet, and that won’t happen until I know she’s recovered from her nightmare of having a sociopath infect her world. But outside of HIS evil, we are both enjoying a much better life.
Will be looking to celebrate the anniversary of your divorce. It’s mind boggling to me that I was SO HAPPY to get divorced. I would have NEVER predicted that! HA!
Yes, I am not proud of the ways I acted when he “pushed my buttons”, said one thing and then later denied he ever said that. He wanted me to get medication for depression, even though I was not depressed. He wanted me to go see a pschatrist, a counsellor, a hormonal doctor for my PMS…..he wanted to create a track record for me so later he could use it against me in a divorce. He never worked out for him. All of a sudden, everyone was on my side. Even the judge said to him ” you as a cop should know better than wastin my time with this frivolous stuff”. It actually made the entire court room chuckle. Mr Supercop was reduced to a “joke”.
I can laugh about it now, but being in that moment, accused of “bothering him with emails”, him trying to get a protective order against me, it was so evil. Because I am the mother of his only child and he 100 percent wanted to destroy me. There were no limits for him. The judge gave him the option to drop everything, I was there with my Attorney. But no, he needed to be heard, his b/s made public, he would not drop it. The judge dismissed the entire thing, but it was such a waste of time and money. Just because he needed to play the victim.
The very next day he took his minion on a Bahamas cruise….the poor victim. You are right “How can anyone ever be with him?” Thats true, I am glad there was a replacement for me…he can lie to her now, cheat on her, abuse her, and then discard her…..thats her problem.
I did not marry him or have kids with him, and his ex that he has 2 little ones with left him to out of state while he was at work. Guess what?, He lied all about that situation by playing the victim! I had not been in the know about a psychopath then. As the refakeshunship unfolded, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, about how he must have treated her. It was all her fault, she stolen from him and lied, lied,lied. No. If he opened his mouth it was a lie. I certainly ended up on antidepressants after all of this. I had the love bombing, idealizing, crazy making abuse. My heart goes out to everyone who has endured years with these people and have their children. It is so sick.
Remembertoforget
These types do a lot of backwards thinking. Blamed her that she had stolen from him? I heard the same. But when you’re married, all assets are as one. You can’t steal from yourself. These type also are tyrants. I remember my best friends father, when we were young. He had a cupboard of HIS food. But there were 7 kids and they were being neglected and hungry. HE had sugar cereals. The kids got their meals from the school.
Am glad you are away from the monster. And esp glad that his ex and his kids are away from him. It’s the ONLY way they have possibilities for their future. There are NO possibilities when living with a monster. Nothing gets better, it only gets worse.
They weren’t married, but have 2 kids…who knows maybe they were. Lol. She was very young, 11 years younger than him. He is hideous. I guess luckily I only spent 9 months around him, but it destroyed my soul. I have never experienced such toxicity in my life!! I am a 2 time cancer survivor, and other than that, this was the most emotionally destroying thing I have gone through. After I changed my number he would call my job until my boss told him not to. I have never been terrorized and harrassed like that ever!! I’m getting professional help.
Remembertoforget
Good for your boss standing up to him. What your ex did is considered stalking. What are the stalking laws in your state?
Also, good for you to get professional help. It’s so awful that we come to KNOW there are monsters in this world. If you can, share what works for you. There are people who read and never post, and they are looking for possible solutions.
Notwhathesaid…
The solutions I chose were changing my phone number and email address. I also deleted all my social media because we have mutual aquaintences/fake friends, and they are all triggers for me. If he called my job again after the warning I would have filed a harrassment report or a restraining order. He is the email, text, and phone harrasser. I told him in the final showdown if he came near me I would contact authorities. He hates authority. Lol
kaya48
You might not be proud of the ways you acted… (neither am I, I had lost my dignity.) … but surely you have compassion for the nightmare you were suffering and comfort your former self? I think you must because you laugh about it now. I laugh too. He was so imperious to me, ordering to “get a life” after he STOLE MY LIFE. At the time, his behavior devasted me. Now I see it for what it was, so childish and petty and BITCHY. He STILL is! But I have found myself again, and I don’t know what my friends think of me, but I do know, if you want to judge me by the people I hang out with, they are an amazing group of merry women. I “got my life” in spite of my ex, not because he ordered me to. A* !!! (heehee)
Remember
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I endured his abuse for over 20 years. Fortunately my 20 year old son knows exactly what “his so called father” is. He stopped any contact with him after my ex tried to put the injunction against me and also threatend with getting me fired at my job, cut us of financially, stopped paying his college tuition, blamed me (his mother) for his cheating and lying, played the victim in the divorce, took his home away, and so on.
My son and I survived and I came out the “winner” in the divorce case. I still feel sad that I sujected my only child to a living situation that was so toxic. I did the best I could but looking back I should left him way before he discarded me for the coworker.
My son and I slowly rebuilt our life, we were always close and we will remain a ‘team”. Like my son said ” anyone can be a father, but a man who is capable of doing such a harm to his family is a loser, a coward and plain evil.” Let him do his deeds for satan, but we have God on our side. Who can be against us?
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Great verse!
Not
I agree with you. Sometimes Dr Phil pitties the abuser, which he did a little in that show. I personally think the guy is definetely an emotional and physical abuser….the wife did crazy things when he pushed her buttons. I think I related to her so much because I was doing the same, almost losing control over my actions…I was so emotionally drained, at the end of my rational thinking. Discarding me that evening was probably the life saving event for me. He really pushed me to the edge with his lies and crazy making.
No , I am not proud of some of the things I have done in response to his cheating. But I am able to laugh about it now. And yes, did he ever feed of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I used to break out in a rash when I got nervous…..He loved pointing this out to me just to make me more nervous. Come to think whenever I was with him, I was so nervous and on the edge, I was not able to be my own person. Now, I can say and do whatever I please. It does feel good.
All the insults he threw at me…being old, boring, ugly, too short hair, too heavy, too nagging, too much of a housewife…..it was his weaknesses that he reflected on me…he fed on pointint out my weakness (the ones in his mind) and he felt so powerful afterwards.
Now 2 years later, the tables have turned…I dont respond to his crap, I dont listen or communicate with him and he lost control….for ever.
kaya48
I enjoy watching certain Ministers sermons on the internet. They make me feel inspired and enriched and remind me of the power that comes from the one Almighty God of All Creation. I was just listening to one who was in prayer, and a phrase stood out for me.
“God, we pray to sever the bonds of satan”.
At core, isn’t that what happened for you. I know it did me. Yes, my ex discarded me, but in reality, I had been praying to GOD and somehow it happened. The Bonds of satan were severed. I got myself free. The “Discard” didn’t mean free, my ex did not free me. I had to actually do the getting FREE from him part myself which meant traveling a nightmare. BONDS of satan were severed when I realized how very happy I was that he did not have control over me in ANY way at all. Not emotionally, physically, personally, financially, etc. etc. FULL Freedom. I seek the same for my daughter. He discarded her, but she is not free. I pray for that for her. Her life is good now but will be truly mindblowing when satans curse his lifted off her shoulders.
I wish you a beautiful weekend. I’m looking forward to a certain holiday report from a LF member. The more we do the things to sever the bonds of satan, the easier it gets to staying chainfree. It’s not a onetime thing, it’s a lifestyle! heh heh!
Not
Thanks for your so true words . Sever the bonds with satan. Indeed . For ever and more .
Under the radar
You are so right. Life with a sociopath or narcissist is extremely destructive, it messes with your mind and soul. I never realized it while I was married to my ex husband. I knew it as the daily normal. To be criticized, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, put down…it was like a normal day for me. Me sitting in a closet, crying and praying for God to take him out of my life. I did not have the strength to leave…I know one reason was is that I valued my material things and financial security over the wellfare of my emotional, physical and spiritual state. Because I was brainwashed and made “cray in the head” I had my priorities all wrong. I thought I loved this man with all my heart, which I did in reality. Only it was a one sided love….he never valued me as a human being, not even as the mother of his child. It was “convenient” for him to have me around. Especially while he was in the US army he never had to worry who would take care of his child while he was deployed. I was a caregiver….not his partner, not his wife and not his soulmate…he does not have a soul.
After 20 long years and the discard I realized the truth and it hurt and it still hurts from time to time. How I was fooled and played like an idiot. His entire sheriffs department probably laughing about this guys “crayy wife”. But I know for a fact, that I was the best wife and mother I could be, despite his abuse. And that my son grew up with good morales and beliefs and became a caring, compassionate young men. That is my proof that I really did the best I could.
I am proud that I accomplished my most important task in life…that my son will not become his father..I made sure every day to teach him to be the opposite…and I succeeded.
I lost 20 some years, but it made me a stronger person. Fear used to be a part of my daiy life..no more. There is no more fear. I survived all these evil tactics of my ex….and I recovered and I went on. I thank God every day for upholding me with his righteous hand. We all went through the darkness but for all of us there is light at the end. And life is better than ever …..
“God didnt promise days without pain; laughter without sorrow; sun without rain; but He did promise STRENGTH FOR THE DAY; COMFORT FOR THE TEARS ; AND LIGHT FOR THE WAY.”
Good morning everyone. I have been away for a couple of weeks, and I see posts from NEW victims. It never ends, does it? As one person is healing, a new person becomes a victim. To those who are new to this site, let me add my words that this site has healing! Those of us who post here have been THROUGH it, and the advice given here is from a place of understanding. The hardest part is in your mind and in your heart, where you just keep wondering and wondering what you did or what you could do to fix it. I like the analogy of Hitler and trying to “fix” him. Satan has his claws into these people, who in turn get their claws into us. NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER. Your head will start to clear, and the clouds will start to move away from your eyes. Trust may be an issue for you now…but these folks CAN be trusted to tell you the truth and give you advice that WILL help you. There is much wisdom here.
This is for neveragain51, HanaleiMoon and all others who have spent time listening to me. I am still seeing the EMDR doctor. I am not seeing the wed nite counselor as she has had a loss in her family. I am seeing the other dr on sunday my original dr who was on the phone, and is not doing that anymore. I am speaking to someone about all natural medications. I am trying and it still hurts and just like everyone else I keep looking for some kind of answer why this happened to me. How a stupid affair has taken my life, my soul and my self esteem and turned it into a sh*t hole mess. My NP is on vacation for 14 days so I will not see him at work at all. I have not been answering him and he really isnt contacting me but he did send one message, it reads, I figured it would be alot nicer to have a friend then someone you hate. Your a nice person at heart, and it was nice when we were friends.
I did not know what to say because if he is a narcissist and psychopath could he really mean this or even know how to say that? I must admit I am a little confused and feel like maybe he is saying something? He is still with the wife no I am not getting back with him and even if he did leave his wife but it still hurts. This hurts still the same as it did when it first happened.
I know you say I have my daughter well she treats me like crap like the rest of them. She came back from her trip and blew me off after making plans with me and then spent time with her dad and his girlfriend along with grandmom. again i am left out in the cold. I am sick and tired of just being used by everyone. It broke my heart that my daughter did even give me any time like she was going to. I am tired of being an after thought and deserve better. Why does not anyone see me any differently than just an end to the means?
My heart is so heavy and I am hoping that this lady can help me
This is for neveragain51, HanaleiMoon and all others who have spent time listening to me. I am still seeing the EMDR doctor. I am not seeing the wed nite counselor as she has had a loss in her family. I am seeing the other dr on sunday my original dr who was on the phone, and is not doing that anymore. I am speaking to someone about all natural medications. I am trying and it still hurts and just like everyone else I keep looking for some kind of answer why this happened to me. How a stupid affair has taken my life, my soul and my self esteem and turned it into a sh*t hole mess. My NP is on vacation for 14 days so I will not see him at work at all. I have not been answering him and he really isnt contacting me but he did send one message, it reads, I figured it would be alot nicer to have a friend then someone you hate. Your a nice person at heart, and it was nice when we were friends.
I did not know what to say because if he is a narcissist and psychopath could he really mean this or even know how to say that? I must admit I am a little confused and feel like maybe he is saying something? He is still with the wife no I am not getting back with him and even if he did leave his wife but it still hurts. This hurts still the same as it did when it first happened.
I know you say I have my daughter well she treats me like crap like the rest of them. She came back from her trip and blew me off after making plans with me and then spent time with her dad and his girlfriend along with grandmom. again i am left out in the cold. I am sick and tired of just being used by everyone. It broke my heart that my daughter did even give me any time like she was going to. I am tired of being an after thought and deserve better. Why does not anyone see me any differently than just an end to the means?
My heart is so heavy and I am hoping that this lady can help me
Inthemiddle
I know that pain as I’ve lived it before but it will get better, I assure you! When I was feeling alone I decided to make some new friends and do some of the things that I’d always wanted to do. Go out and get involved in new and exciting things, join a Bush walking club, whatever, and you will start to feel included in others lives. When I got active, my kids started asking to join in so I got the kids back because my happiness changed and they wanted to be around the person that was their strength – they felt powerless to help me so they stayed away, momentarily…
I’m not sure I’m on the right track with this but I’ve come to believe that my kids have always counted on me for their strength, I’m their comfort and security so they didn’t know how to act when I was losing control.
I showed my kids that you can rise above anything by finding a different path. Try meet up dot com because they have a variety of different events you can attend – one step at a time, then things will change 🙂
Hi Inthemiddleofheartache, I know this comment is for those that you posted too but I hear so much pain in your post that I just wanted to send some hugs your way today.
I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and feel like people are not treating you well. That hurts tremendously.
As for the NP his message is to keep you hooked into his sick & twisted game. Dont read anything into his message except he is pure evil and his playing a cat & mouse game with your mind. Keep the No contact rule in place and block, block, block him from texting or emailing you it is the only way to truly find peace and to clear your mind from all of their brain fog.
When I first left my ex husband I did a lot of research on the net and one thing that still stands in my mind is the fact that most married cheaters want to stay with their wives after being caught cheating. I can remember the percentage exactly but it is about 80%. And if the wife leaves the cheating husband and the guy ends up with the mistress almost 13% of those relationships fail right a way because of the way they started = not a honest relationship. So your chance of this guy leaving his wive is very slim and the chance of a relationship actually working long term is even slimmer. YOU deserve so much better then a cheating husband who has you on the side lines waiting for him.
YOU can do so much better find a nice guy when you are emotionally healed. This guy is not a good guy…how do I know this? he is cheating on his wife and lying to both his wife and to you. DONT play his cat & mouse game. Cut him loose and you will find peace in your life.
Check out the site meetup. com it’s a free site that list all the organizations, clubs, and groups in your city. Find an group or hobby that you have always join/wanted to do this way you will have new friends to fill in your time so you dont feel so lonely. Stick with the all women groups for now since you are still very vulnerable and do not want to get sucked into another bad relationship.
For alternative meds check into Dr Amen’s books he has one on anxiety & depression. He is a brain specialist and therapist who his offices have conducted over 80,000 brain scans. He is well known and respected in the therapy world. If you google “Dr Amen you tube” you can watch his lecture. He also has a good one on Ted. com just google his name. Also check into adrenalfatigue. org.
Glad you came here to vent today. Also you can talk with a free counselor 24/7 at the National Domestic violence hotline in the USA 800-799-SAFE or google your countries hotline.
Wishing you all the best!
Take care.
Inthemiddleofheartache, Two good movie to rent (or buy) to find your “gumption” again is “The Holiday” with Cameron Diaz & Kate Winset. It’s about two woman dealing with two narcissist but it’s an up beat comedy movie. The writer & director Nancy Myer also wrote the movie “It’s complicated” with Alex Baldwin (who is a np and plays a np in the movie) & Meryl Streep.
Both of these movie will give you a good laugh something I think you need 😉 and they will also give you a good perspective that the np you are dealing with is nothing but an evil man playing head games and you will have a much better life without him.
The character Jasper in the Holiday sounds like the guy you are talking about and Alex Baldwin’s character in It’s Complicated.
Let me know if you watch them & what you think. Take care
Jan7, you are right on about Jasper!! That is one of my favorite movies and watch it once or twice a year. It is actually one of only a handful of movies I own.
Inthemiddle, I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is acting that way. You had said you were helping her with college and medical so I assumed the relationship was a good one. I don’t know if she is just the typical self absorbed, thoughtless college aged human or there is something else afoot.
Please don’t respond to the guy’s message at all. It doesn’t merit a response, and will only make you feel worse. Geesh, he’s on vacation, presumably with his wife and kids, wtf.
Keep doing what you’re doing”there is no magic to rush the process, but if you work on yourself, and keep up with your therapy, continue to educate yourself, and come here, you will notice you are feeling better. Try to do some things that will take your focus off feeling alone – you know I have been there, and it is really worth the effort.
People in your past might have seen you as a means to an end, but new people will not, because you will watch out more closely for yourself. A circle of friends and acquaintances does not appear overnight and takes effort. I think your move is coming up soon – allow yourself to have fun setting up your new place the way you like it, treat yourself to some fresh flowers or whatever you enjoy.
I always smudge a new place (home or office) when I move into it, to clear out old energy and set my intent for a fresh new start with new energy. If you don’t know how to do this, google it. It’s simple, and little rituals really do make a difference. You might give it a try, even if it feels silly.
Hang in there –
HanaleiMoon, I own them too! Both movies make me laugh and remind me that my ex h was NEVER EVER going to change. The best thing I ever did was pack my car up, drive across country and file for divorce.
I think the writer/director of these two movies (Nancy Myers) might have been married to or dated a few narcissist in her time because she has their behavior down pat.
If you have not watched “It’s Complicated” you should it will give you good laughs. Merely does a great job in the movie as the scorned wife of a narcissist who ends up living a great life without her ex h.
Jan7, I’ve seen It’s Complicated a couple of times too”not for awhile, I think I need to watch it again!
I just watched The Holiday again a couple of weeks ago and Jack Black’s character is such a sweet guy! Ah, my heart!!! 🙂
Hanalei
Oh I’m a smudger! 😉
inthemiddle
This is simple
>”I figured it would be alot nicer to have a friend then someone you hate. Your a nice person at heart, and it was nice when we were friends.”
A reply possiblity: “This is not what friendship feels like. It doesn’t work for me. Have a good life.”
When you saw that note wasn’t there a sick feeling in your stomach that you were getting used, or that this wasn’t going to feel good in the end? That’s the indication that it’s not what friendship feels like — even if the rest feels good.
Same as with pedophilia — you can orgasm because it’s a natural body response, but that doesn’t make it a good interaction. (Sorry hope that’s not too graphic).
You’ll feel less used, when you start to let go of things like this because they aren’t treating you right — and find people who are capable of respecting you. I’d bet that after a few years of developing that, your daughter comes back and changes her behavior too. (Unless she has some deep issues of her own.)
Feel better! Take a walk. Enjoy the spring. Clean something. Do anything that will move you forward… since the first step will ultimately get you started.
I have to get an appt, so I’ll keep it short right now.
Hi neveragain
Perfectly said And I agree!
Thank you for these words…
Never:
Thank you for these words…
Jan 7
thanks for the movie advice..I will definetely watch them. And yes, your comments are so true. Why would anyone start a relationship with a married man? I never understood that part. My ex never valued me enough to stay faithful, he never cherished me to be his one and only, and he was never able to be honest. I did not feel any joy laying next to someone who did not choose ME. All this is not a solid foundation to start a relationship or marriage. And I truly believe that the percentages you mentioned are correct.
Even though I was discarded and he moved out, he still want to keep me on the backburner. I guess, just in case the minion did not work out. When I finally had enough and had him served with divorce papers, it took him only a few minutes to text me “really, what did you do that for?” Really, he actually believed these mind games would go on with no ending day.
The best thing everyone in these situations can do is to remain No contact. You will never get an explanation, an appoloy or closure . You must use the No contact, your silence, as the last word. Which I did. It is my closure, my ending of my 20 plus years marriage, on my terms. Not on his.
In the middle,
I can also read the pain in your comments. It will improve, believe me. I think what I went through was the worst someone inflicted in my life. But it is not the end, it is a new beginning for something better. A man who lies to his wife and cheats on her and the family is not someone we should be sad over. It hurts initially but when you remove yourself from his web of lies you will see in a different light. You will see the truth. The truth hurts but it will set you free for someone who deserves your love.
Kaya48, your welcome. They are great movies.
Prior to marrying my ex h I also wondered what kind of woman would cheat with a married man. Well after being sucked into a relationship/marriage with a sociopath I view the “other woman” much differently now.
When I had proof that my ex husband (then husband) was cheating and he finally admitted to it then begged & sobbed for me not to leave him he blamed his mistress…as she was the one “trolling for a new guy” & “she went after him” etc etc all his other lies & manipulations “I will change”, “I will go to individual counseling & marriage counseling because I love you”, “because I want to be married to you” & “i dont want her” etc bs and of course his triangulation of me against her & her against me. He also blamed me but never himself (classic sociopath lol) I came to the conclusion that the “other woman” when dealing with any narcissist or sociopath is a equal victim as me. Yes some of the “other woman” are narcissist themselves but I think most of the woman just get sucked into sociopath evil mind games & destruction web of evilness. My ex is masterful at getting a woman to bed him within hours, I guess I was marriage material because I did not sleep with him for a long time so there for he could trust me.
So now when I hear a story ahhh “he cheated on his wife, what kind of woman who cheat with a married man” I think humm is the guy a sociopath? or a narcissist?” could the woman be a narcissist?” “Could the other woman just be a victim of a smooth talking con artist sociopath?” most likely yes she is a victim too since 1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist & 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths.
Everyone that enters the destructive path of a sociopath is a victim.
I have to be honest with everyone. I think in the back of my mind i knew my NP would go back to his wife. It may not be what you think though. I thought he would go back because I was not good enough, or pretty enough to hold onto anyone in my life. I held onto him knowing the situation because somehow I wanted to fix it and tell myself I was worth it. The feelings I got from him and being with him were amazing. This is the part I never understood. I never felt this way about anyone. I just found out last night from the EMDR doctor that my NP and me I have a trauma bond with him. I am saying all of this because I want every woman who was cheated on that we too who participated in the illusion has also been affected. I didnt understand until here that a psychopath looks for alternative partners like us. I didnt get a prize with NP i got disaster. I have suffered so much at the hands of this person and have had no contact since sunday. That is when i got the message i thought you would rather have a friend than someone you hate and that I have a good heart.
I am so sorry for what I did in this whole situation so I am not saying what i did was ok. Look, he was cheating on me with Amanda. It was all a sick sick game and no one wins except him i guess. I really want to move past this and the dr said because the trauma bond is so strong i have to figure that out first to start the healing process. He wont be back to work until 4/6 so hopefully i can not send him messages and he doesnt send me any and I have to let go of who and what he is doing with whomever. I will never be his number one even if he leaves his wife for good and he will never be what i want. I just want him because of a trauma inside of me im trying to fix. I need to get into my own place soon and start focusing on me. This is so hard to do and with so much going on at once it is hard.
YOU CAN DO IT! You are on the right track. Keep No Contact, especially since he is gone from work and you don’t have to see him there. This is your chance to loosen that trauma bond.
Did you see the backhanded compliment/manipulation in the text? “Rather have a friend than someone you hate, you have a good heart” – He is complimenting you on your personality but implying that a good-hearted person like you would not want to hate someone (backhanded compliment). He also implies that the only alternative to hating is to be friends(manipulation). WRONG!
No Contact is wonderful because rather than hate him, he can be NOTHING to you – non-existent. Even good hearted people can do that. There are billions of people on the planet that are NOTHING to you, what is one more?
The exact comment from my NP is,
I figured it would be a lot nicer to have a friend than someone you hate. Your a nice person at heart, and it was nice when we were friends.
this was his reason he wanted to be friends with me. I have been honestly reeling from the comment because it is a complete opposite of each other. Why cant he just be normal. Is this why he hasnt sent anything else because he is waiting for me to respond. I hope when he comes back to work on 4/6 i can stay away and not get involved. I also have to be honest he is flying back on the 30/31 for a test and we were supposed to see each other but he said he didnt want to see me or talk to me outside of work. oh yea he could go to the sportmans place with me because that is a sport and that doesnt count. What did i do wrong is what i keep asking myself and why is he staying with amanda and not me?
inthemiddle, read Jan7’s post about No Contact to soconfused from narcissistfree.com. The explanation there will be very helpful to you I think.
Regardless of the exact comment, I still stand by my analysis of backhanded compliment with manipulation.
Don’t read his texts!
Don’t respond to his texts!
Especially don’t meet him when he is in town!
You have done nothing wrong. You were targeted by a sociopath for being a loving and giving person and now he is playing his sociopathic games with you.
NO CONTACT is the only way to get out of the game playing.
I agree with Nomorewool when she stated:
“Don’t read his texts!
Don’t respond to his texts!
Especially don’t meet him when he is in town!”
& I will add especially DO NOT MEET him as I fear for your safety. DO NOT go into his home he is extremely dangerous!!
To help open your mind up from his brain washing & mind control answer these questions here on the site or just on a piece of paper.
How did your husband love bomb you into the relationship initially?
(watch the video on Lovefraud at the top under “video” of the site on love bombing)
What are the worst things your husband has done to you?
What crazy behavior has he done since you have been in a relationship with him?
What crazy behavior has he done since you have left him?
Focus on the bad things he has done to you not the few “nice” things he has done. This will help you to see what we see in your post that he is a sociopath.
The person I speaking about is my NP who I work with everyday. I also am getting divorced and my husband who is a covert passive aggressive is not doing anything ads usual except just playing the usual games. I would not be going to the NP house anyway as he has never invited me. I was supposed to meet him out somewhere which he had asked me to do about 3 weeks ago. I told the EMDR that i am still in love with my NP even though I know what he did to me and with amanda. I just like him want his attention to feel better about all of this. He is gone from work for 14 more days. I still want his approval and acceptance that i was good enough and thats what i took from the comment about my heart. I know I have to be the one to give this to myself but as of yet I have been unsucessful. I do want to fix this and make it right across the board. I am going to a new group on saturday and I dont have any money right now to do anything I would really like to do that would be fun as i need the money for the new place. I wish that it didnt hurt so much and i had more safe people to be around. I feel sad that the woman who was helping me on wed had a death in the family as she will not be emotionally available to counsel me. I felt a connection to her and was hoping she could help me.
inthemiddle –
You don’t need money to have fun. Go to the mall and smile at babies in strollers. Visit lonely old people in a nursing home who have no family that visits them. Go to the park and swing as high as the swing will take you, just like when you were six. Turn the radio up loud and dance wildly like no one is looking (because no one is). Check out a funny movie from the local library.