UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
In the middle
You aremaking good progress. You are realizing that there is nothing good coming from this man. Amanda, you , his wife , you all mean nothing to him except supply for his narcisstic ego, thats all.
I know as the cheated on wife I used to hate the other woman/women/co workers/female friends….but you know what, they are nothing special, except that are “available” for him. they make themselves choices to him and he feeds on it. He always thought he was God and getting all these women begging for his attention its like his lifeline.
Once I got out of this crazy drama, I realized that I meant nothing to him, his family meant nothing to him. We were a “convenience” and maybe an image he needed.
Staying no contact is the best fitting message you can send to them. Silence is the biggest punishment for them. They are not worthy enough to be talked to….its the ONLY message they hear loud and clear. Everything else they twist and turn and blame and in the end they are the victim. My lawyer told me about the No Contact at the beginning of divorce proceedings. Anything in writing or even in words, he was able to use against me. So I listened and gave my ex nothing, absolutely nothing ….and it worked in my favor. You dont give any ammunition they will be defeated, believe me. Their biggest weapon is manipulation and intimidation…you take that away, they are easy to defeat.
Stay no contact and live your life like you want it. It might hurt at the beginning but it will pay off….
I want to thank everyone for thier comments. I unfortunately have a shopping addiction and an eating disorder and being at the mall is not good for me especially where I am at emotionally. I want answers more than anything and I probably wont get them. I think that his comment felt good at first may be to keep me on the hook. I hate myself for still caring for him and wanting to be with him. Its like i totally know better but the selfish part of me says that i need that contact. i want the hug that he gives me that is so wonderful to feel. I want to be somebody’s someone as I never was not even to my family.
If I were there in person I would give you the biggest no-strings-attached hug you could ever want. I’m sure many of the others here on LF would too.
Somehow he knows that being special to someone is your hook. Don’t take his bait because it is just a rubber worm.
You are special to us. I noticed when you weren’t on here for a while and I am sure others did too. I know it is not the same kind of special as what you are looking for.
I don’t know if you will be able to find that kind of special, but I can tell you for certain that you will never find it as long as you are looking to find it in him. He is not capable of making *any* woman that important to him. He only pretends. The best any woman can hope for with him is 4th place after him, his ego and his image. Add kids into the mix and now you are looking at 5th place. Somehow “you are my special number 5” just doesn’t have a very good ring to it.
I forgot to mention – even if you need to stay away from the mall, the other suggestions don’t involve shopping temptation. 🙂
InTheMiddle
You just hit on something that makes it apparent why you might be having such a difficult time letting this go….
Romantic love is an addiction. And you have indicated that you have some addiction problems. You’ll need to apply the same techniques in dealing with him that enable you to succeed with your other addiction behaviors.
I know it’s very difficult to move on without closure. But you won’t get closure from him.
Closure needs to come from the insight you’ve gained about his disorder and the recognition that you are dealing with someone who is wired to use people. And he has no conscience. He will simply justify and persuade. He will never apologize. He will simply try to manipulate you. Don’t play into his ability to do so. All of his emotions are shallow. All of his behavior is designed to get him what he wants.
Joyce
inthemiddle
you are heading in the right direction..a few weeks ago you wanted him back much more than you do now..you see how he is incapable of giving anything, you’re beginning to understand what he is..its hard at the beginning to understand ‘why me”? and it is not possible he is an S or N, things were different ”but as time goes on and you read, the fog lifts, you begin to see the horizon at a distance through the fogginess”some days are clearer than others and some days the fog is thicker than others”but you’re accepting help and you have found out why you are doing this”
you know, i too thought, if he comes back, this means he cares for me, he isn’t an S and everything will be great”he attempted three different times before i blocked him and each time doing the same thing. he overloaded me with emails and bulldozing me with “i love you, i want you, i hate my wife, she is this and that, i regret marrying her, etc””only to turn around and not contact me for weeks and months at times”until again, he exploded again with these promises made to me about leaving his wife and hating her, etc..only notto hear from him again for weeks and once again appeared doing the same love bombing and making promises (of course i didn’t fall for any of it, and finally blocked any access he has to contact me) only to drop out of sight again”its a pattern of how they exist”in my case he gets a high from contacting me and love bombing and speaking badly about his wife, but he disappears after he gets his fix”and its wrong and inhumane to treat me like this. he expects me to be there each time and fall for his bull? and he goes overboard with apologies for deserting me each and every time for the last time he contacted me”no way, no more will i fall for it”you do not want that do you? this could have gone on for years if i let it and you too would have let it and the only way to get out is NC”it is no future waiting each and every day for him to come back only to repeat what he did over and over”this is how they exist..by sucking the blood out of you until they need another fix”
i am happy to see you are beginning the process of getting help..you may have setbacks, or bad days, i still do. but each day i go NC i pat myself on the back that i have gained another day of MY life and not wasting it on NOTHING, because that is what they are 🙂 kudos to you!!
Thanks for the support. I think the hardest thing for me to get over is that i had no choice. I had no choice when seeing him, doing things together, meeting up, chatting etc. It was him making all the decisions including ending it. I understand NC is my ending but I was abandoned and blamed and discarded. I being a habitual blamer of myself believed that I had done something wrong to have this happen. His comment had me thinking that he actually cared and missed the “so called” friendship we had. I am so sad and lonely. its very hard to sit there with no one and to realize that you really dont have anyone anymore and that people were more than happy to take from you. My daughter coming home last weekend was a disaster and left me feeling even worse. I understand she is 20 but to leave me out of all her activites regarding being away in another country hurt me. I went out of my way to prepare for her and her boyfriend only to be left holding the bag, again. Its the Stella movie all over again with Bette Midler.
I have been left and left alone my whole life. None of my relationships were ever someone paying attention to me and that is why the NP was so special. I thought I had something of my own someone who wanted me as much as I wanted him. I understand the whole marriage thing and that it is not even possible ever again. but think that I never had this i wasnt letting go so easily. It is a little easier that he is not here and I hope by the time he gets back I am in a better place. he has not even contacted me since sunday or tried to play the game (that is how he would contact me too) and it feels a little crappy. I wish he felt something but I need to tell myself his new name is LIAR. Call him that every time I think of being with him.
I have never been in so much pain before. What my doctor calls this is a trauma bond I wish i never went out with him or did anything. What I thought was so good wound up being so bad.
I just wish i had someone in my life that I could count on besides just myself. I miss my dad so much.
<<>>
Not sure what happened, that said “giant hug”
In the middle
Be honest to yourself…do you really want a hug from a man who probably just hugged his wife, Amanda, and who knows who? Really?
You will never get an answer or an explanation or an appology. Thats the sad truth….the only thing that works is no contact.
Please stay strong and not get sucked into his games again. You will never win, believe me.
My ex has started his smear campaign. At least I think he has. I’m having the hardest time with the loss of my best friend for over a decade. She has always been supportive of me no matter what. Now she’s treating me like I’m crazy. I spoke with her last night trying to convince her (again) and felt like she was mocking me through the entire conversation. She admitted he’s been in touch with her and that he’s questioned my mental health. She’s insisting we were in an unhealthy relationship. Now she’s questioning my mental health. I’m shocked by the cruel things she has said to me (it’s so not like her!) and she has started bringing up my past relationships (naming untruths) and the wrong I have done to her in the past. Things I didn’t even know that’d I’d done to hurt her. Things I don’t even remember.
This isn’t sitting well with me. Something isn’t right. I’m wondering how in length they’ve communicated. How my personal struggles with an abusive relationship are bringing up so many bad memories she’s had about me over the years. This is so not like her or typical of our friendship. She’s defensive and mean. Not at all the friend I’ve known for so many years. She’s become a stranger to me. She’s defending him, although she insists she isn’t. She also insists she’s not talking to him. Only a couple of times when he has contacted her.
How can she not believe I was in an abusive relationship with all that I’ve shared with her? If she came to me I would stand by her, no matter what. If I thought she was “crazy” I would try and help her, not mock her and be mean. I don’t get it. I’ve gone through times that where I did struggle with mental health in the past and she supported me through and through. What is making this situation trigger a different reaction from her. Even some of her statements sound just like him, as if he’s they’re his words, not hers.
I don’t really know how this smear campaign works. Do any of you share a similar story? I need insight. He has made me feel crazy. Now my best friend is doing the same. I know I’m not crazy, I’m hurting. What is going on???
thistooshallpass
Gut feeling… I don’t know… but…
It sounds like they’ve been having an affair.
I felt it all along. She’s too close to him. Closer than a best friend should be. She’s his minion.
I’m not saying this is fact, this is only a feeling. Bottom line, you can’t trust her. She’s said that to you, maybe not in the language you can hear. But in reading your post, you know she has betrayed you.
She’s a Frenemy.
NWHSM,
I’ve wondered about what’s going on, as well as my counselor. Something doesn’t feel right and it doesn’t make sense. She adored him, even though they only hung out maybe 6 times. Although he was very generous and fun during those times and they communicated via social networking/email.
I know I can’t trust her. I’m trying not to beat myself up for talking to her after a month of NC. I’m concerned now that she will share with him, which means he’ll know he’s on my mind…. I wish I could find the missing piece of the puzzle….
I’ve now blocked her on my phone. It hurts more than his betrayal.
ThistooShallPass
FOr sure do not beat yourself up for talking with her after a month of NC. My best friend was very important to me. I did hang out with her and her husband, our daughters were the same age. But other than a convo to coordinate a birthday or Christmas present, I did not socialize alone with him. He’s a great guy but SHE’s my best friend so why would I hang out with him if she wasn’t around? That’s what I mean by them being too close. There is NOTHING she should have to discuss with him. I think she sounds like she has a crush on him. I’ve seen it with other friends. They share details about their relationships, as best friends do, and the best friend seizes the opportunity to snatch the husband/guy. I think that’s what your friend has done. I don’t adore any man. I did LOVE my husband, or what I thought he was. I adored my baby child. More was going on than you knew, that’s my impression. And you were kept in the dark because they didn’t want you to know. There’s only ONE reason a best friend and a husband cut the wife out.
I am sorry to have written what I did, because I think it needed to be mentioned as a possibility, but I hate being the hurtful messenger.
NWHSOM,
I appreciate your honesty. Trust me, it’s nothing I haven’t considered. In fact, just today I was thinking about how her behavior is crush like. I know he’s using her. I know he can see how she thinks/feels about him, I’m not sure it’s reached another level, although I wouldn’t put it past him to pursue her! I’m assuming he already is with his flattery. But who knows, it could have already gone farther. This is too damn weird…
She’s married with kids. Her husband has been abusive in the past. She’s cheated with conniving men a couple of times before (years ago). I think she’s blind to abuse because she’s living it, even if on the small end of the spectrum. And then there’s this nice man (my ex) who compliments her and brings nice things to dinner, etc. She must be loving the attention, how could she not?
Thank you for reaching out, sounds like you have a lot of experience. Exactly what I was looking for. I just need to know this isn’t all in my head, you know?
Thistooshallpass
I don’t know what’s going on — but I will tell you that you are writing very clearly. So whatever you are picking up on — exists and isn’t about you. Keep that in mind.
Can you ask her directly how she’s feeling about you? Or about him? Or if anything is bothering her about your relationship with him? Maybe even tell her what you’ve said here? (Though is she’s under his influence that won’t work well.)
It’s strange, but when things change, it’s sometimes surprising who can deal with it, and who can’t.
It may be that your relationship with her depended on you being weak and therefore her being strong… and that’s bothering her to let go of (as you stand up to him) and she’s trying to counter it by making you weak again?
Can you give a specific example of what’s different than her norm, and what her norm would be?
I haven’t been reading along the way NWHSOM has been, so I don’t have an opinion on that.
Just know that you are being clear and rational. Whatever this is, it’s not about you.
curls,
Thanks for your response. I’ve already asked her directly and it’s made things worse. At first she said he was a “jerk”, not an abuser. Now she claims she doesn’t even care about him. Yet, she believes he and I both played an equal part in all of this.
She’s used to me being strong and weak at times. We’ve both played those parts. She thinks in this situation we need to agree to disagree. We’re not talking politics here…this is abuse! It is what it is.
Her norm….I went through a horrible divorce years ago and she had no problem being supportive and letting go. She even lived with us at one point. I had a spath prior to this one (they were back to back). She had no problem saying goodbye to him! Although he was overt, as my current ex is extremely covert. I can see now he was playing her all along.
She got upset with me when I asked her to defriend him on fb. I don’t use social networking anymore, but I didn’t want him to have any avenues of keeping tabs on me. She had no problem blocking my first spath. In this case, she told me I am the manipulative one (for asking), and that he’s not the manipulative one.
My first spath stalked me until recently, she believed in me and has helped me with it along the way. My current ex has actually told me how he will stalk me and she doesn’t believe. Instead she thinks I’m crazy. I know it’s a lot for a person to believe all of this, but it’s really happening. Instead she’s taking his side. How could such a nice guy be a monster?
We all know the truth. He preyed on me while I was weak and being stalked. It was an easy out for him. If I questioned him about how he was making me feel/things he said/did he could easily blame it on my spath stalker. I was being too sensitive. How convenient for him!
Thistooshallpass
I don’t know.
I’m a little confused. I think you’ve posted that they only hung out maybe 6 times. And that she lived with you both for a while. That was a prior person?
Six times — her and him alone? If so, that’s nutty by itself.
She was normal to you, and supportive. Now something’s tripping her up, and she’s been taken in by him.
The reasons may not be anything overt or specific. It may be that this creep triggers something in her to block her from seeing what he is. Actually, obviously that’s what’s happened. It could be something very simple and little that happened early on between them. I’m thinking — an abuser of this type is very manipulative and EVERYONE is suseptible.
…some people are less suseptible than others because of their background. Others are less suseptible to one type or one method of manipulation, but are able to detect and block out another kind.
Somehow, he got her off kilter.
It’s bad for you because it’s painful. And infurating. And painful again.
However, it may not be any more involved than he figured out how to build in a hook with her — and tweek her head.
It could be more, like an affair, but it could be nothing more than his justifications or faked warmth confused her completely.
The more you detach from him, and move on, the better the chances that his hook into her will fade out. However, it may or may not, and any which way, she’s no longer the person you were dealing with. At least at this time — and you’ll never trust her fully again, until she gets his hooks out.
I’m thinking someone who supported you through so very much, while that’s kind and warm, it’s also a little off kilter. Not unless she knew you from childhood and you really were old time best buddies (I’m not sure from your comments.) Otherwise, something was a little suseptible in her, to be able to listen to all of this and support all of this for so long. It’s warm and kind, but it also means… she’s vunerable.
I’m certain he knew that she was your support in the past. Which means, especially he’s covert and therefore more crafty, that he targeted to get into her separated from and away from you. He wanted the support gone for you.
I think more important than knowing what in the world is wrong here… is dealing with how it’s making you feel, with your counselor, and plotting ways to move your life forward so that the feelings can bundle up and disappate or eventually leave.
If your counselor is stuck on figuring it out — then they aren’t serving you on this, and need to be asked to take another look at how to support you on this particular point.
It’s hard, but you’ll find your way through this too…
C
Thanks, C. My counselor just thinks there’s a piece in the puzzle missing. She’s encouraging me to surround myself with “safe” people, she does not believe my best friend is safe at this point, although she believes if our friendship means enough my friend will come around. As you stated, if/when she gets his hooks out.
She lived with me and my ex husband years ago…the 6 times she hung out with my ex spath I was with them both. I think social networking and email played a big part. After all, he is so charming (yuck).
I’ve wondered about her vulnerabilities, you make a good point. She stands by people and it sometimes takes her a while to grasp the truth of certain individuals. I do believe her support of me has been genuine in the past. She is thoughtful and a giver of herself. Perfect target.
I’m beating myself up for talking to her because at least before he knew I wan’t talking to her. Now he’ll know (if she tells him I called) and his hooks will be in even deeper.
Thank you for your support. Plain and simple, this sucks. At least my family and other close friends are supporting me too. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose everyone, like so many on here have…
curls,
One more thing…my spath knows my best friend is one of the most important people I have in my life. No surprise there?
TTSP
The reply key isn’t showing up on your posting, so I’m replying to my own.
>She’s encouraging me to surround myself with “safe” people, she does not believe my best friend is safe at this point
This is good advice and is true.
>counselor just thinks there’s a piece in the puzzle missing
Do you care if there’s a puzzle piece missing? If it’s the counselor who’s saying it, but it doesn’t really matter — then it doesn’t really matter.
>I do believe her support of me has been genuine in the past.
Yes otherwise you’d have known, the say way you know now that something’s wrong.
>before he knew I wan’t talking to her. Now he’ll know (if she tells him I called) and his hooks will be in even deeper.
Since he is per non-grata to you, this doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or knows you are thinking or doing. He’s a nut case who doesn’t matter.
His hooks aren’t going to get deeper into her if that’s what you mean. One call in a month is indication to him, that it ISN’T working on you. Your reaction within the call, will confirm it. They didn’t respond to it by calling him, or collapsing into rage at her or any of the things that he’d find to be “a hook into you.”
So just trooper on.
Curls,
I’m responding to your last post to me. “So just tropper on.” And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since last night! Something clicked in me. Yes, I’m hurt, but I am in control of myself, no one else has that right. They somehow matter to me less now. And you’re right, I didn’t respond to either of them after my conversation with her. There is nothing for them to feed off of. Thank you for laying my comments out to me like you did.
Going NC has being helping. It’s been almost 2 weeks. I usually only last a week. Today was the first day in months that I felt like myself again. It helps that I’ve slept well the past 2 nights in a row! Less nightmares, no laying awake with running thoughts of him and all he’s done.
I feel more free today, less stressed and able to smile without faking it. I know there will still be not so good days, but it helps to know I can feel this way again.
Hi everyone!
I am back from my holiday!
I had a lovely, relaxed time!
I set off on the plane, feeling a real mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness because once upon a time I would have excitedly shared it all with me “best friend”
He would have been pleased for me, encouraged me to have a great time etc.
But knowing that it was never true, it is difficult to accept. But I have to!!
He has gone skiing to Canada. He went while I was away. I don’t know when he is back, probably not until the end of the month. It is a relief to think I won’t see him around.
I feel now that I do t want to set eyes on him. Whenever I do, I feel worse. So it is better if I don’t see him. To a large extent I can’t control if I see him but I will continue to make not seeing him a priority. He doesn’t care if he sees me. So why should I care?
My holiday was filled with laughter. We met some lovely people. I never forgot all of this but I chose not to dwell on it.i have better things to think about. Being in a beautiful, warm place cheered me up no end.
Thank you for all your good wishes. X
Hi Elsa
Welcome Home! You were thought of!
I am glad and not surprised that you had a great time!
Be sure to use those special moments from your trip to take a mind vacation when you need one. Just sit in a quiet place and recall how your vacation spot made you feel special!
Now on to other new and better things!
Inthemiddle
I know exactly how you feel I’m just a little further ahead with my healing but don’t think I wasn’t thinking the same. Especially after he contacted me after four months on my part of NC and he admitted he’d done a huge mistake, which at the beginning i told him he was…I thought how proud I was that NC had worked in my favor ad I had won him back!!! All that I’d heard about sociopath and narcs weren’t true about him! For a few short hours I was spinning until the very next day he duped me. It was hard but I implemented nc again and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t heard back because I thought he had meant his undying love for me…two months went by and I was beginning to get used to the fact e wasn’t getting back to me. One day out of the blue end of feb. I got another message and in total that day over 75…again begging me to see him just like he did two months prior at Xmas. This time with all the advice and reading I’d done, what he said to me didn’t have a huge impact as the first. I knew what was happening not was textbook I couldn’t believe how precise all I had read up on had described his actions…exactly same thing happened th very next day after trampling me with so many messages, he took them all back and didn’t hear again. But this time only a week or so went by and e started all over with the love bb ing and about 100 messages as to how we would be together, what actions he was taking to manipulate his wife and horrible things about her that I couldn’t believe. I finally had enough and didn’t hear back at all the next day as he promised the night before…I had to block him. I mean this was getting ridiculous. I had never experienced someone like this and if this behavior was what I was devastated over? I do not want to be part of such irrational behavior. All this love bombing made me think he is perhaps psycho or schizophrenic I don’t know but it was irrational one minute and then bang I was turned off like a light switch.
Think to yourself and step back and take a good look, if he came back do you want that kind of bullcrap to take over your life? You will be more miserable than you feel now, because he won’t change, mine won’t change and either will anyone else’s change. They are dragging us into their unknown world of crazy, because they do not know any better..
It hurts me everyday when I think how beautifully written all his messages to me about us being together were, but the only problem is it was not him, it’s not the real him otherwise his actions would be consistent.
You are so fragile at this moment you will be so much worse with even the tiniest bit of hope from him, you will fall and crash badly. I know the situation with your daughter is devastating and hopefully you and she can work on your relatioship, because that’s what is so important right now. You say you feel alone and empty? You can get a puppy! Their love is unconditional and brings such happiness to a home…:)
In the middle
We initiate and remain no contact to remove toxic people out of our lives. You must focus on yourself and not him, or his wife. Let him be and ignore him It’s the only message he will hear loud and clear .
I am doing no contact but remember I work with him. He comes back on 4/6 so I have the no contact until then. I am hoping that when he comes back I can not be interested anymore.
inthemiddle,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’ve been following your story for awhile. 4/6…honestly, I think it’s safe to say that by that day you will still be interested. You may think he’s a jerk at that time but it will still be hard, especially at work.
I do think you can arm yourself in the meantime and do as much healing as possible. Instead of hoping you won’t be interested, maybe arm yourself and prepare yourself with tools? Aferall, we are all survivors of this war against us!
Not sure what those tools would be? Post it notes, apps on you phone to remind you of the good things about yourself/how amazing you are. Tools that remind you your worth is so much more than his. Have you tried using grounding techniques? They are not 100% reliable depending on your mind set at the time but they will still help.
Inthemiddle
Do you think it’s possible he messaged you something nice so that you would not have anything to say against him while he was away? Maybe while away he worried you may trash him after what he did so he’s trying to save himself from being the bad guy? Sounds like a possibility to me
I’m leaving quite a few posts today as I’ve just gone definitively no contact and I know I’m going to make it. I’ve always been quite a big verbaliser, if I’m processing something heavy, I tend to talk it out. I just wanted to say that I’m already feeling better than I was yesterday. Anyone out there who’s done NC a few times and buckled hopefully you’ll know that the worst part is the first couple or few days. Depends on the person I suppose, but I’ve found this to be true. It’s the first 48 hours that kills. I’ve stayed at home and slobbed out massively, lived in PJs, eaten toast and canned food – I know not everyone is in a position to ignore the world for a while, while you affirm your decision and cry your eyes out. But if you can, I recommend it. I’m actually forgetting about him. It’s not forced, it’s just starting to happen. He’s just disappearing from my mind. I think he’ll be gone pretty soon – I’m at that stage. Three months ago, I wasn’t. I’m starting to feel vitalised again.
Surprise…congratulations on going no contact (again 😉 !!
(It takes us all a few times of NC to learn this important & valuable life rule)
Like you state it is not easy to go NC cold turkey but it is the best gift you can ever give yourself…with time & distance from your abuser you will get to a point that you “(We) Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” with him (watch the Taylor Swift video song on you tube, it’s funny but true just google “we are never ever getting back together Taylor Swift”.
PJ parties are the best while watching movies like Bridget Jones Diary, The Holiday & It’s Complicated which all have narcissist guys in these movies but in the end all the woman triumph over the narc. They will all help you to find your gumption again 🙂
The no contact is the most powerful weapon we have . And it’s free , no costs . It’s a boundary rule; consequences for choosing to have a relationship with someone else, or for choosing to no longer having a marital relationship.
It is my answer to him:
Because you are committing adultery
Because you choose to be an inappropriate spouse
Because I choose my sanity over you
Because from now on I am in control
On my terms and conditions called NO CONTACT
Wow, kaya48….your message on 3-26-15 was powerful!….. absolutely!
TTSP about “tropper on”
Good! A good step forward. Glad to hear that my post was helpful. And that you are reconnecting to yourself. As that fades out and reappears, it will get stronger.
🙂
C