UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Never again 51,
Thank you. I personally think that the No Contact Rule is a last resort for us to protect ourselves from abusive behavior. It is not an attempt to change a person or teach him a lesson. Its about letting go of the need or desire to change him.
For me it was a decision to stop struggling with him and not letting his behavior hurt me any more. At first it was not a decision to stop loving him. That came over time. When you love someone, you cannot just turn that fact of in a few minutes. The no contact gave me the strength to stop loving him.
It is my right not to be damaged by his words, actions, moods and betrayals anylonger. It is about nurturing my well being. Not to punish him.
Going no contact gave me the distance and time to heal. It was the most liberating experience in my life. I am no contact for almost 2 full years now and I will never go back to his craziness. Its like a defense I have in place, a permanent solution.
There are no other solution when dealing with a narcissist/sociopath. Nothing else is effective. It’s useless. You will never get an appology or an explanation for their cheating, abusing you, whatever. Like I said the only thing they hear loud and clear is silence. Nothing else gets into their head, nothing. NO begging, crying, talking, emailing, texting…..You ignore them, thats the only thing they notice or pay attention to.
I know how difficult it is to go no contact, to remain no contact But it gets easier. Once I had that feeling of empowerment, nothing he said would get him a reaction. He can criticize and blame….it does not matter to me. It’s all lies, every word that comes out of his mouth is the word of Satan. And I refuse to communicate with the devil.
Kaya48
Thanks for this very important explanation of why and what happens with the No Contact Rule. I think it’s very valuable because new LF members need to hear that we know our feelings are not turned off like a switch but that No Contact becomes a very empowering tool in a time when we feel powerless.
I thought the following sentence very powerful because everyone I knew thought my husband was so “with it”, never in a bad mood, never took offense to anything. That was his IMAGE. In reality he was the most moody person I’d ever known. He just took it out on me, so he could go back out and smile to their faces.
And VERY powerful “It is my right Not to be damaged by his words, actions, moods, and betrayals any longer.”
I printed this out to keep in front of my face at my workspace. THANK YOU. I appreciate validation.
AND this following sentence is VERY important because people need to know that EVERYTHING a sociopath says is calculated with an unknown hidden agenda. They are ALWAYS gaming something.
“I refuse to communicate with the devil”… amen Kaya48.
I have a question…
Will I get to a point where I don’t think about him/it anymore?
Hey there remembertoforget,
yes! You will get there. YES!!! It will happen
Just remember that it takes work on your part.
Everyday of true no contact is one day closer to freedom.
Be patient and most of all don’t beat yourself up when you slip up,and you will.
It does take time. Just keep in mind the prize, your freedom and sanity.
keep posting here and reading here.
I did a personal consult on the phone with Donna and it was extremly helpful to understand the bond that is created with these people aka monsters.
SITC:
Thank you! Freedom, and patience with myself yes. All I am required to do now is heal. 🙂
Saturday night was the first time I didn’t think about it- at a work shin dig. Freedom!
Amen.
Well said!
No contact is the only option.
Remembertoforget
Yes, you will definetely get to the point where you dont think about him anymore. Ocassioanlly I think about what he did to me and my son. But not about him as a person. It has been over 2 years since I was discarded and about 18 months since I filed for divorce. My divorce was final in july last year and i find myself in a better place now. It takes a long time to seperate your “married” life from a new life. It possible to accomplish though. The no contact was the only way for me to get to this “new life”. As long as you are part of his craziness it is impossible to move on…as long as he is a part of your life, you cannot heal.
Thanks Not,
I read a lot about the No Contact and everything is so true….our best defense, our best weapon, our best shield, our best response…..besides our faith in the Lord.
Thank you. My friend is deleting my old email address now, since I couldn’t do it from my tablet. That will be the last door shut. I had broken nc through that address, in a state of depression on the 17th. After I changed my number he would call my job. My boss got him to stop. When I reopened that email address after 2 months or so, I saw he was still emailing me until mid Feb. I deleted all but read the last one and replied. Blabla. I’m a tad embarrassed for breaking nc. I did the gray rock method anyways because he quickly turned the convo around and manipilated. I had no fight in me. He has since been messaging. I have ignored. Deleting that account today.
Remembertoforget
Not only will you get to the point of not thinking about “it” anymore… but when you do choose to riminsce, you won’t feel anxiety or dread or kick yourself. You will have accepted that the normal rules of breakups don’t apply to sociopaths.
Your ONLY responsibility is healing. They broke us, but we are only ones who can fix us. That’s a process and it takes time. You can celebrate your victories as you work through the processes, though. I enjoy vicarious victories! It’s like a team mate scoring, we all win!
Great angle, teamates scoring! Yaay. Thank you!:)
I’m lucky I survived not one but TWO Spaths. God must think I’m a strong woman! I’m working out again and going to Bible study and starting a new life in a new state. My insomnia is almost gone and I’m eating well and getting support from two very wonderful friends who saw my experiences from the first row. I sometimes get depressed and cry but I know that is the dark force trying to pull me back onto a dysfunctional merry-go-round. I just hop off! I am NOT defined by those two nutcases! I like me a lot and you just have to get back on track and watch them fade away in the rear view mirror. Spaths are sick, not me! I was just guilty of trusting, being naive (a Southern woman), having good morals and values and believing two expert liars. I know the signs now. It won’t happen to me again.
So over:
Fade away in the rear view mirror….Yes! Love it.
Can’t wait. Fade away…..
The 1st SPath was easy to get over because he ripped me off for so much $! The 2nd…not as easy…we were engaged….we went to high school together a long time ago and that was very attractive to me. My last contact with him was via text only 5 days ago but that will be the last time because he tried to do a smear campaign against me on FB so I blocked his a#s! Because of that, I will never talk to him again. I think you have to be BOLD and explain what happened to you, otherwise, if you are weak/insecure/shamed in trying to explain it, it looks like you are at fault, when you are not. So, be bold in telling people about your experience, that you met an emotional predator and took action to get away from them. Victims/co-dependents don’t take action. Survivors do! Gotta be STRONG. Working out really helps the recovery process, too. Yes, fade away in the rear view mirror….BUH-BYE NUTCASE! 😀
I agree…I felt so weak and insecure. I got off social media, but if I run into anyone or if i’m asked, yes, I would tell them. He would smear me too on fb if I reached out to anyone and told, but if I run into someone on the street, I won’t hold back.
🙂
I admire your attitude and fighting spirit!! It is like a dark force that tries to pull you in.
Kaya 48 and others, I cannot believe the wisdom on this site. This wisdom is more powerful than all of the counselors that I have seen…combined! I have been NC now for about a month, and I have been allowing myself little snippets of thinking about how bad things were….I couldn’t even think about them before! And I believe that thinking about them in bite-size portions is helping me to see them for what they really were, and process them at long last. But I really wanted closure. I wanted to hear her ADMIT TO ME that she lied to me and used me. Every message that I receive, including the last one, just perpetuates the lie. And believing the lie just perpetuates my pain because she tells me one thing but I feel another. No contact is the ONLY answer. If she cannot get to me, then she cannot lie to me. If she cannot lie to me, then she cannot confuse and hurt me. So let me add my confirmation to all of the others on this site. Counselors have told me for years to break contact, but I didn’t want to do it. I see now that it is the only way out of the fire. This past month of NC has been peaceful.
neveragain51
We all want that. That they take responsibility for the consequences of their behaviors. We never receive that though. And since EVERYTHING they say is a lie or a set up to the next scam, or they take it back when they so say a truthful thing, then NOTHING they say matters. Not one whit.
I say GOOD FOR YOU, a month of NC is immeasurable in it’s value. Peace is the only place where you can start to THINK without having your brain hijacked by a manipulative CON artist.
WHoohoo! Celebrate NC! Whooohooo! I know the feeling of freedom and I want it for EVERY ONE! Freedom from oppression and mindboggling machinations! FREEDOM!!!! Whooohooo!
One month? Two months? FOREVER!!!! YYYAHHOOIIEEE!
YIPEEEE!!!!!
Great advice NWHSOM
I can relate so much to it.
I am sad, maybe I always will be!
But the relief of not having those consuming emotions, lack of sleep, CD, etc
NC has not been perfect for me. My week away and a few days relief on top of that knowing he is away has helped.
I still don’t want to see him but I know I will at some point. I just want enough to time to pass for me to be strong enough to do grey rock instead of trying to engage him in discussion about all of this!! I want to say hi And walk by.
He will NEVER admit how badly he treated me, how much he owed me some respect because that is the lie he fed me all along….. That I was a REAL friend who he would always respect! Makes me want to throw up now when I think how much he scammed me. I don’t think he can even speak the truth, good or bad. He lives in a fantasy world, playing everyone off against each other!!
Keep strong everyone! This site is a Godsend. I read it every day even if I am too busy to contribute!
Yes, you are right. I read it in everyone’s texts that we ALL want to believe ours was “different” and that we can rightfully “expect” for them to take responsibility. I don’t think any of us want to believe that we fell for the scam, hook, line, and sinker. We want to believe that we were above all of that – and that is our pride. And pride is what kept us hooked as long as it did. The freedom in no contact is beyond measure. And giving up the expectation that they will accept responsibility is a necessary first step to seeing the truth and cutting them loose. I cannot believe that I knew nothing about people like this until I was hurt by one. How is this such a big secret? Why aren’t children warned somehow? Our innocents (like us) go out into the world with big and open hearts, and get snagged by animals like this…how does the world let this happen?
And giving up the expectation that they will accept responsibility. Yes, a form of freedom. Last night I went to a work get-together, I am lucky to work with a great bunch, and for the few hours I was there, I was present in the moment and not thinking about it. That was the first time that had happened. I am looking forward to more times like that. 🙂 Amen.
NWHSOM
its true how you say we all want that.. the spath taking responsibility of their behaviour…but the funny thing is, and i believe we discussed it before, mine did exactly what i could only hope for but didn’t think would happen…he confessed he’d made a mistake and it was because of him that our relationship failed and how sorry he was and on and on….that was the first time he had contacted me after four months of NC on my part…
at first i admit i thought, wow how noble of him, he is doing exactly what everyone says he will not do…apologize for his actions. well since then, he has done this three times and along with it he does the full blown love bombing and promise making and tries to make plans for us to have a future, only to disappear and had left me hanging each time…that took place three times and finally i said “enough” and cut him off…what is the point of contact and promise making only for them to disappear for weeks/months after they do that, and then start the process all over?
he wasn’t one bit remorseful for what he had done, his apology was fake, in fact i doubt he ever heard himself apologize to me. it was just his way of breaking the ice so he could hoover me…he knew exactly how to play on my sympathies and figured i would accept his apology if he admitted everything he had done was wrong….
so even if they claim they are truly sorry….never fall for it!!!
🙂
janedoe
I am sorry that you are going through the learning curve that so many of us have had forced on us.
Because they are liars, you can’t count on anything they say. Of course we’ve heard “I’m sorry”. But it was a scam. There was NO remorse, NO taking responsibility. If they could do that, they wouldn’t have done the thing that they say “sorry” for.
I met a man who did so many of the same things that my ex did. But I was not emotionally attached. So I did learn, and the man was open with me. He said he was NEVER actually sorry, he just wanted people to stop being mad and go back to giving him stuff. So he said the words. He and his best friend had a competition who would get a “score” with a woman of substance. And whatever they had to say was just part of the game. “They had money so what’s wrong with being taken care of” the scammer man said.
It opened my eyes to a lot of what/why my ex would say I’m sorry but Never do the right thing. EVERY time there was a moral decision to be made… my ex bailed/disappeared/had better things to do and better people than me to do it with. I asked my ex once, “what are you sorry for” and he couldn’t answer it. He said, ‘whatever you are mad about, I am sorry you feel that way’.
It does NOT get better, it gets WORSE. My ex did not ‘settle down’, he was not faithful to anyone, not loyal to anyone, not authentic, did not value/appreciate anything. I could not EVER count on him. He was a dead end.
NWHSOM
oh yes they can not be counted on and they say things to us that i don’t even think they realize they say because they next day comes and what they said the day before, is almost like it was never said…does that make sense? thats how crazy they make us…we can’t even explain what we mean without making it sound so crazy!!!!
mine returned the few times i have mentioned in the past couple months, making solemn promises and statements.. saying this or that was going to happen ONLY to disappear the very next day and go weeks without contact…and even having the nerve one time, telling me he thought his email acct wasn’t working properly because he hadn’t heard from me in a few weeks!!! OMG of course he hadn’t heard from me, because he was the last to write and never fulfilled anything he said so he tried the mindf**k game and said he wasn’t receiving my messages blaming me for the non-communication…lolol that was a good one…
i had to put a stop to that crazy mind game immediately…block, delete and NC
This website has been a lifesaver for me also. Along with the wise words of my Attorney. Not so much my therapist.I felt like she was making some excuses for him and I stopped seeing her.
Removing yourself from social websites is another very good advice coming from my lawyer. Not just changing privacy settings or defriending people. Remove yourself completely from any social website. We were able to live without them before they existed and we can easily do this again. My ex has no right to know anything about me, nothing. It is none of his concern. Also it elimantes the risk that we check up on them…which we must not do.
I completely cut of all contact with his friends and family. Not that we had many friends in common but this way he was not able to find out anything about me.The same applies to his 20 year old son. My son cut of all contact with his “father”. He walked out on us after cheating, the no contact is the consequences for being an “inappropriate spouse”, for bringing in a third person into a marriage, for being an adulterer and liar, for being an abusive husband, for gaslighting his wife and trying to diagnose her with a mental illness. Consequences he should have thought about before acting up on his evil deeds.
The best is to completely start a brandnew life. Like I said it took me a few months after the discard to stop loving my husband after 20 plus years.You cannot just turn off love. But the distance from him gave me the clarity to realize that it was a one sided love….coming from me. He never cared about his family, he pretended until he could not resist the minions anymore. Once I was on the discard list there was nothing i could have done to change him. And no contact got me the strength to let go of this need and desire to change him…because we all know nothing will change them. I let him be whatever he wants to do……I divorced him and stood up for myself and said NO MORE.
Kaya:
Awesome words!! And agree on the therapist and social media too. Lol
Remember to forget
Thanks. It is very difficult to recover from years of “being made crazy”. The only solution for me was to file for divorce and go no contact. I know my ex enjoyed to “push my buttons”, it was his supply, his ego kibbles. He had so much power over me. Towards the end I could not think “normal”. My thoughts were about him 24/7. He is lying, who is he cheating with, is he going to leave me and his son? It was pure exhaustion for me. I could see it in my looks, I was not able to sleep well, I look and felt just worn and exhausted. For him to leave and discard was the start of “new thinking”, my new life. I have not cried in years, compared to daily while being married. I was so afraid, I had so much fear, to be left behind with my son. Fear that enabled me to put an end to it. Fear that took over my life. Once I went no contact, I could literally feel that fear going away. Even going through divorce proceedings, there was no more fear. I felt strong, empowered, like a new person. My lawyer kept saying ” I am so proud of you, you can do it.” And yes, he wanted to make money and charge me for every phone call, every word I said…but you know it did not matter. I was willing to pay for the best weapon against my ex. I was not able to fight him on my own through the legal system, I needed power in the form of an expert…an aggressive, male, experienced criminal defense attorney who handles divorces also. Divorce is horrible, divorcing a retired Army career person/a cop takes it to another level.
All of a sudden he could throw anything my way and I was ready for it. No more fear or intimidation….
And yes, at the beginning I checked out his minions on social websites….I stopped because it is a waste of time. They are nothing specialm they were available for him to be a pervert . He was my husband, he made a comittment to me and his son. He took his marriage vows and threw them in the garbage. He is the evil and he is Satans helper. The minions, they are just victims also. Co workers/Affair partners who have no morales or self esteem to know better than to mess around with a married man…nothing special at all.
Sooo happy to hear you say these things. You are a warrior.
They do consume you 24/7 when with them. It is, utterly exhausting. Thank God you are relieved!
“Being made crazy” is called “gaslighting.” It’s when the Spath tries to make you question your reality. They are really good at it but you have to not second guess your own judgment.
Elsa,
Gald you are doing better and starting to recover. You wrote ” I just want to say HI to him when I see him.” No, in case you do see him, you should not make eye contact, maybe nod, and walk passed him. Why would you even give him a “hi”? Saying Hi to him shows him that he is still in control. Ignore him, walk passed him and go on with your day.
Sad, yes you will be sad for a while. But eventually this sadness will go away also. My sadness had turned into disapointment and then acceptance. No more sadness for me. But it has been 2 years.
And it makes sense that we will never get an appology or explanation. Why would we? After all “they are the victims” and “we are the crazy ones”. My ex insisted that I was mentally unstable and that he never cheated…even though I had pictures and proof. He insisted I should see a psychatrist for my mental issues, while he was out on a cruise with her and screwing her. He insisted that he left because I was crazy. It’s an evil plan to deflect their guilt (they don’t have any guilt feelings) on us so they can go on with their lives. Like I said “whores come and go, but family is forever.”
Remember to forget
No contact takes a lot of willpower,strength and determination to pull off. It is so hard because we all want closure. We want to be heard, we want them to know the pain they caused – but they are never going to listen, and even if they do, they dont understand the meaning of pain. When we remain no contact, we are finally sayong “NO MORE”. It is our voice without words, but they hear it as we were screaming it at them. No contact to me is total rejection and also the best “revenge”. It is probably the only hurtful injuries we could inflict. Now, they finally come to understand us , their tricks no longer work and we are out of the game. Now we are no longer a victim, but a survivor and also empowered to be in control. I choose my sanity and I will not go back to be insulted, to be manipulated, to be shamed, to be blamed and abused, to be belittled, to be made to cry, to embarass and demean me and most important to be cheated and lied to. I will never let him set his foot in my door again, not an inch. Because letting him into my life again is the same as inviting the devil to sit on my couch in the living room….Never again.
K:
This is true. I haven’t deleted the old email address yet, but I haven’t checked it in two days. I am challenging myself to not even go look at it. I don’t even want to see what he has to say. It’s been a few weeks since I responded. There’s no point, and I don’t want to dance with the devil again either.
Amen.
remember
I messed up many times at the beginning of the no contact. Once I reached 30 days, it got easier and actually it felt like a victory for me. I changed all my contact information, phone no., email adress, anything. I did not participate on social websites, so that made it easy. But he still finds ways to contact me, like mailing letters through the US postal system. Now, since I am divorced I dont even read his crap anymore. I made a folder and actually called it “evil” and that is where his b/s goes. My lawer said, very nice how he creates a track record for himself and just to save the notes. I dont even want to know what he writes. We are no longer married, no minor children, there is no connection at all. There is no need for him to contact me. My entire life got sepearted in the divorce. We do not share anything in this life anymore.
I learned that naricssists/sociopaths spend their entire life running away from the painful truth about themselves. Deep down inside they are tormented. They live in a fantasy world and force others to entertain their self created fabrication that they think of as their lives. It depends on others for admiration and ego kibbles.
Ego kibbles is the drug that take away their pain. Staying in contact with them makes them feel powerful. Ignoring them makes them feel very weak.
I hope you can stay strong in the no contact. It definetely saved my life, it ruined all of his evil plans. And thats my victory.
K:
Wow, I like how you just broke that down. He was running from the truth of his past and created the make believe, that I believed at first. I changed and cancelled everything but that last email. Lol.
I won’t log in. Thanks for those words. I will re read that as needed!
I have been afraid to even write this. I broke NC not once but 2 times. I am so weak. I do good for a couple of days and then it starts. I think that he doesnt even care and if i break or not break no contact he could care less. what is hard for me is that the place i was moving into decided not to allow me to live there. it turns out my husbands credit cards are on my credit report and pushed me over for the amount of money i owe. I got them off but now i have to wait 30 days at least to re apply. I dont have any friends and my daughter is not speaking to me. she has 3 times made plans with me only to cancel them and do something else with her dads family.
I miss my NP because he was the only one i spoke to about all of this. I miss the hugs and the times to stop working for a few to chat with him and he made me feel better. this totally sucks. so now, no daughter to speak to, no husband, no np and no friends
I just briefly chatted via message with him and i do miss him. I know he said he was sorry and that he felt bad he hurt me but maybe its me and he is not a Narcc or sociopath. I dont know anymore just lost. I trying to figure this out.
I have been afraid to even write this. I broke NC not once but 2 times. I am so weak. I do good for a couple of days and then it starts. I think that he doesnt even care and if i break or not break no contact he could care less. what is hard for me is that the place i was moving into decided not to allow me to live there. it turns out my husbands credit cards are on my credit report and pushed me over for the amount of money i owe. I got them off but now i have to wait 30 days at least to re apply. I dont have any friends and my daughter is not speaking to me. she has 3 times made plans with me only to cancel them and do something else with her dads family.
I miss my NP because he was the only one i spoke to about all of this. I miss the hugs and the times to stop working for a few to chat with him and he made me feel better. this totally sucks. so now, no daughter to speak to, no husband, no np and no friends
I just briefly chatted via message with him and i do miss him. I know he said he was sorry and that he felt bad he hurt me but maybe its me and he is not a Narcc or sociopath. I dont know anymore just lost. I trying to figure this out.
I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re suffering from the after-effects of an abusive relationship. If this person used and abused you, regardless of whether or not there are “disorder labels” we can attach to him, you are in some kind of recovery. It’s not your fault.
Remember
thank you, glad I can help. My lawer once said to me “From now on, you think with your brain and not your heart and soul. Any relationship or marriage with a sociopath should be treated as a business deal gone wrong.”
I honestly followed his advice. When I filed for divorce, about 3 months after being discarded, I had already gained the strength to stop loving my husband. That was a huge advantage. You inject emotions and feeling into a break up it makes it more difficult.
Divorce is always bad. Nobody leaves their lawyers office or court with a smile on their faces…..but I did.