UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
Good you are not going. Just take care of yourself now. I am sure his kids are a little older. Just think of you now. These texts sound very much like my ex’s. I received one he said “you just don’t get it, now I have to place an injunction against you”. I saw on financials that he talked to his lawyer, went to dinner with the minion , and then decided “let’s put an injunction against her to make her look like the villain in the divorce .” He claimed that he was in imminent danger of me since I texted and emailed him. After 20 years it was necessary to talk to him , I thought. Well, I looked at the court dockets and sure enough he filed it. I immediately told my lawyer so we could prepare to defend it. The ex requested it to be served at my place of work to embarrass me.
Like I said my lawyer did awesome on court and the judge saw through the lies. But believe me I was in shock. In shock that he not only cheated, lied and threw me away. That was not enough , he wanted me destroyed. This was the day I started no contact, one year ago.
Please be careful Taralev. They have no mercy. They are out to hurt, to inflict pain, to make you cry and beg. At the end they laugh about you . I was called pathetic bitch. The mother if his only child.
I am over it now. But please listen to our advise here. We know.
Thank you Annette kaya all of you..yes I turned into the enemy and crazy one. What did I do crazy? Caught him cheating at work. I was like a sitting. Duck had his dinner ready every night. .and as soon as.he got caught he flipped. His children are 6 and 11..im friends with both moms of the children. Im especially close with the 6 year old because I met him at 9 months old. He was like my own child. Just so devastating that he has no respect for all I did for him. As soon as he thought he had found someone better I was useless
Taralev
I used to make his lunch for work. Instead of going to his cop shift, he took paid time off, took the lunch to the minions house and they had it together. Then he would come home saying “wow , what a busy shift, I am so tired, take a shore and go to sleep.” I later found out that he didn’t even work his shift. What still bothers me is that he lied to his only child. To this day I don’t understand how he was able to just throw him away along with me. I will never get an explanation for any if this do why bother. We went on to a better life and the past is gone. I hope you will get more persistent in the no contact. Don’t even read his texts or emails. He wants you to respond. It’s his way if showing you that he is still in control Take that control away from him and you will see a big improvement in your thinking.
Now I am in control. And it feels powerful and gives me a huge advantage.
Hanalei
Sorry to hear about your situation. I will definetely put a prayer in for you and Taralev.
It seems like you have come do far Hanalei. I feel like after we survived those nightmares we can handle about anything. After this divorce (almost finished) I hope to be stress free for some time. Wishing you the best.
Hanalei has to be quoted, it’s perfect: “…him discarding me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I truly believe had he not, at some point I would have been chained in a basement while he lived with someone else upstairs and I’d have been doing her laundry.”
Exactly.
How funny! 🙂 and how important it is, to keep our sense of humor. Here is a real exchange, I hope you find it as amusing as I (finally) do.
“You have this all backwards. I’ve always loved you.”
“Really? You called me a _____, a ______ and a ____ _____ who was too stupid to understand anything.”
“That’s Right!!! You’re so stupid you don’t understand how much I love you!”
🙂
Heh? Where was that laundry again? — at least you’d be good enough to iron her sheets, I’m too dumb to know she’s even living up there. 🙂 or to know the difference between love and this you-know-what, right?
Hang in there, everybody, it does get better (I have 30 years’ history with my ex, or fairytale, nightmare, or whatever it was) and just exactly like Hanalei said, it was the best worst thing that ever happened to me, that one day the mask fell off and there was this six-foot cockroach wearing my ex’s jeans. Yes, it was shocking! but the more I thought about it, the less so it seemed — as the building blocks of weird memories starting making a picture of a Complete Disorder as opposed to shattered pieces of a Confusing Puzzle.
ColoradoKathy,
I do get a chuckle when they explain their logic.
My ex is very intelligent but at the end, his IQ sure did dip. My own IQ seemed to have dropped when I lost myself because the nightmare was a LOT to process. It took a few years but I’ve got it back. I’m A GENIUS seeing 20/20 now.
Yes I see HIM, my ex,clearly but I am no fool (like those who insist that they could never get scammed by a liar – Dr Phil)I know different sociopaths scam using different methods, so I’m keeping my independence forever.
YES!
YES!
YES!
from utter mental chaos EVERY SINGLE DAY
to
mental clarity
and
PEACE
ColoradoKathy, I’m glad I gave you a laugh!
The comment yours made about how stupid he thought you were reminded me of something mine said about a year into the relationship. He had already completely written off everything that had happened in my life prior to him as worthless, insignificant and useless. I knew better and just thought he was a lovable lunkhead (oh so wrong). One day we were driving somewhere and he turned to me and said “you know, when I met you, you were incapable of even carrying on a conversation, look how much you have improved because of my influence”.
I was 49 when I met him. I had college degrees, professional licenses in multiple states, I outranked him in job title, responsibilities and salary, I ran a large department with a huge budget, did a good amount of public speaking and was well respect in my industry. I was awesome…and I was capable of carrying on a conversation.
After the discard, therapy and a lot of reflection, I consider his comment the watershed moment where I was completely under his “spell” and was no longer safe with him to do the right thing for myself. The old me would have been outraged, and I would have defended myself and loudly. There was enough of my reptile brain left intact to know what he said was wrong, but not enough to run for my life.
I was with him for about 6 more years after that, and was discarded 3 years ago. I’ve spent those 3 years focused on healing and cleaning up the financial mess he made of my life. It has been a full time job. I have no illusions that my life will ever be up to the speed that it was before I met him since he did a good job of devastating everything I had worked for and valued. I used to be so self confident and sparkly and now, I struggle with self doubt. I am stingy with myself, like a child of the depression, never knowing when scarcity will rear it’s head again, so I better hoard my pennies. I am free now to make choices for myself, but due to my age and depleted financial situation, my options are relatively limited. I remind myself every day that my life is not ruined, it is just different.
A six foot cockroach wearing jeans is a great image! Someone with some artistic talent needs to sketch that up!
I re-read my comment and realize I sound kind of miserable. I’m really not. I’m so glad to be free of him but realize after 3 years I still have some healing to do. I need some good decisions and wins under my belt to start to regain my confidence and get rid of this weight of self doubt. It is startling to me that the three years of cleaning up the mess, I never had a moment of self doubt – I had a goal and I worked tirelessly to achieve it and did with a lot of success, at least those things that were under my control – and now that I am really free, the self doubt is oppressive. In my “before” life, I never feared making a mistake, because I knew I had the ability to right it, and because of that, I had built a great life. Now I know that something so random, so unknown, can walk in and change everything. Now I know that there is pure evil, not just some conceptual “out there”, but right here, around us every day.
I came to where I sit today confident in my decision to be here, and once I got here, I realized I am not happy with this decision. And I am struggling with it, afraid to make one and feel the way I do now. I have never, ever felt this way before. I have other issues going on that need some of my attention and I feel like I never got a chance to breathe and refuel before this hit me. I guess I’m just feeling sad right now.
Thanks for the opportunity to be philosophical this morning.
HanaleiMoon…I completely understand. I feel the same. I am doing fine…great actually despite the issues with my mom and a few financial issues also due to quitting my job because of him! I will also have life long residual financial effects due to giving up my livelihood. My pension will now be GREATLY reduced to barely nothing because I left so early. And he is off to his next big executive job I think perhaps even in Europe now. So I get it…we are better, but there will always be residuals that we have to deal with because of them being in our lives. Thinking of you today…take care.
hahahahaha
i quit a perfect for me job that was also stressful but i could handle it if…
becuz i cudnt do HIM and it!!!
i quit school after finishing the semester when i moved in for good becuz he wudnt give me the time to STUDY and do my HOMEWORK.
fucking lowlife PRICK
sorry for my french, i am pissed right now.
ColoradoKathy,
Love your post. It is humorous to read how illogical and absurd they can be. But when hypnotized by their “evil magic”, we believe them.
Your comment
” Yes, it was shocking! but the more I thought about it, the less so it seemed — as the building blocks of weird memories starting making a picture of a Complete Disorder as opposed to shattered pieces of a Confusing Puzzle”.
I think this should be the focus of recovery. If we take each incident with the Spath and break them down, it’s just all confusing. Considering the good times with the bad, it’s easy to overthink and give them the benefit of the doubt.
BUT, when all of their actions are combined and then compared to a normal life, WOW, what a bizarre disorder they have!!! We are all so fortunate to have survived it.
I’m the lucky one! My spath has crossed the line and I’m patiently waiting for the police to come and take him away…14 years of WTf and I can finally see the finish line!
When I finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realised he was missing an “all important” y chromosome, I set about planning my escape – this has taken a year and I’m now debt free to the point of surviving on my own when all of a sudden the universe opened its arms to me and has made it easy…they put him in jail and its over = yippee! The bonus is I’ve convinced him to sign all assets over to me using his super to pay out the debts and avoid having them taken, he thinks I’m the stupid one…lol
Now back to this feed.
I’m no longer emotionally involved so it’s easy for me to laugh and take the piss out on him. I set him up all the time, although he helps by putting himself in these situations….
As a policeman (like like power) he always has a story to tell so sometimes I stop him midway and remind him that the story sounds “sociopathic” and he freezes because image is everything to a spath. I love to watch him squirm!
We were also at a party recently and he and several friends were ganging up on me for smoking (umm HELLO! married to a spath so ill quit when im single!!!) I turned to him and said, in front of everyone, I’m out and proud so let’s pick on your addiction (tranny porn and sex addiction) and he was horrified! I walked away saying, oh that’s right we can’t talk about your addiction in public – I was laughing and revenge was sweet!
He has no power over me anymore and I’m the one that now controls what happens – I’ll win this war while laughing at his expense the whoke way and then, when it’s over, I’ll distribute my evidence while the media crucifies him publicly for being a policeman that crossed the line!
Hang in there and keep your sense of humor = they always come unstuck!
CONGRATS ~~hugs~~
I just found out the spath is now tweaking again (I honestly feel sorry for him as he’s done meth before and has been clean almost 15 yrs; horrible, horrible thing, drug addiction)
I will use that against him FOREVER.
He hangs himself every time he gets a 1/4″ of rope.
One of the stupidest men in the world.
And it will play into my court 😉
We just have to be patient, Ironic, eh? So glad you are getting OUT!
I’m the lucky one! My spath has crossed the line and I’m patiently waiting for the police to come and take him away…14 years of WTf and I can finally see the finish line!
When I finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realised he was missing an “all important” chromosome, I set about planning my escape – this has taken a year and I’m now debt free to the point of surviving on my own, then all of a sudden the universe opened its arms to me and has made it easy…they put him in jail and its over = yippee! The bonus is I’ve convinced him to sign all assets over to me using his super to pay out the debts and avoid having them taken, he thinks I’m the stupid one…lol
Now back to this feed.
I’m no longer emotionally involved so it’s easy for me to laugh and take the piss out on him. I set him up all the time, although he helps by putting himself in these situations….
As a policeman (they like power) he always has a story to tell so sometimes I stop him midway and remind him that the story sounds “sociopathic” and he freezes because image is everything to a spath. I love to watch him squirm!
We were also at a party recently and he and several friends were ganging up on me for smoking (umm HELLO! married to a spath so I’ll quit when im single!!!) I turned to him and said, in front of everyone, I’m out and proud so let’s pick on your addiction (tranny porn and sex addiction) and he was horrified! I walked away saying, oh that’s right we can’t talk about your addiction in public – I was laughing and revenge was sweet!
He has no power over me anymore and I’m the one that now controls what happens – I’ll win this war while keeping my sense of humour and when it’s over, I’ll distribute my evidence to my friends, to explain my crazyness, while the media crucifies him publicly for being a policeman that crossed the line!
Hang in there and keep your sense of humor = they always come unstuck!
I was always accused for asking “too many questions”. Once in counseling he said “she nags and bitches all the time, I have to punish her “. Yes, I asked a lot of questions. Why are you exchanging nude pictures with your cop co worker ? You know what he said “oh they are just bikini pictures , nothing wrong with that, is there ?” And I believed this crap, I gave him chances after chances. He lied and lied. And I just stayed. Because I was so afraid of the unknown.
Now, thinking back, I am in shock that I let someone who claimed he loved me for 20 plus years , do this to me. I am in recovery from my addiction to him and I will never, ever use this “drug ” again. He is pure evil and I was married to him.
kaya48
You were in shock. Who thinks straight when they are in shock?
I ask my ex once, why did you lie to me (about a particular thing) His answer: “Because you asked a question.” wt?? At least he was honest that time…
once someone said to me: why did ur credit get SHREDDED?
I answered immediately: I married it, i mean him.
they took it as i meant i married the debt, i meant “he”, the spath, is not human. i married IT.
I remember my husband being angered by my comments about some insignificant topic. I had no idea what had made him mad. We weren’t even arguing. He told me “You are just not normal. I don’t know anyone who talks like you. You sound like an idiot”. It was so out of the blue and cruel.
At the time, I was hurt, but now I know he was just devaluing me to justify his own immoral behavior. In the end, I could do nothing right. Everything I did was a source of criticism and complaint. It destroyed my self esteem.
Thank goodness, I know who he is now. I know that his opinion is not valuable and that Everything he said had a purpose. To kill, steal and destroy.
EVERY disordered person says that:
I dont know anyone who talks, thinks, believes, whatever, like you do. YOU are not normal. You’re an idiot.
PROJECTION
the next person who tries that BS on me
whoa
i feel sorry for
lol
Thank you for your comment and link. I showed this to my 19 year old son. He said “oh yes, I have seen that video, good comparison . Haha.
Yes, I wAs in shock. The good thing now is that we nobody is lying and betraying us anymore. What a great feeling.
Hey I found out that IF my dingbat babydaddy-spath ever gets his SSD approved FINALLY, we can get our payments without involving HIM at all! He wont have access to my or the kids’ SS#s. WE will file the claim on his claim and get the money. ALSO if he ever goes to jail once he’s approved, WE will still get it. HE will get zero for the months he’s in jail.
~heehee~
im awful arent i :0
and yes, we are still legally married, so i will get a nice lumpsum as his wife. its the ONLY reason i’ve not divorced him yet. well that, and sometimes i worry about pissing him off but he seems to want a divorce the last few times we talked. ive already got full and complete custody so its kinda a moot point.
ive given myself a deadline; once i get MY lumpsum paymt i’ll divorce him in 6 mos.
i could buy a (el cheapo) CAR as it’s been several yrs he’s been trying and they back it up to the date of filing claim.
Just checking in- the ex who wanted me to meet him at the park Sunday with the kids, sent me a message 7am sunday morning. A long drawn out text saying he did not have his kids because he was sick and we would not be meeting and so forth…saying that hes lost all this weight and looks good and it is his motivation to get out of all the clothes I ever bought him.
He then yesterday continued with the guilt, telling me he would have been home if I have not befriended the mother of his children and “exposed” him. I told him hes nuts. HE CHEATED on me for months and months. He keeps brining up things from the past and is making me feel I am the one to blame.
He said “you don’t miss me you miss not knowing where I am every second of the day or where I am going”. I was not controlling with him!! If he was going somewhere I would ask..WE LIVED TOGETHER. He is making me feel I did something wrong. He said “you are bipolar and have anger issues”. I know for a fact I am not bipolar I have been seeing a counselor and prior to that I have. They do not think I am bipolar.
I spent the whole night crying..alone in the house. Just wondering why why why he discarded me and doesn’t care at all the pain he is causing me. I am just helpless. I cry every morning it just is not getting better for me. He is moved on..he told me to just move on.
Tara, listen to Kaya, listen to me. Every time you read what he writes, you are hurting yourself. Every time you respond to him, you are feeding him…encouraging him. I know you see the pattern, that every time you engage with him, you spend the night crying and ruminating about what and why and how and that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because he is a psychopath. He never cared. What he is doing is simply amusing himself, knowing that he will engage you and he gets off on it. The only way you will break this cycle is to go no contact and stay no contact.
You are not bipolar. You are normal, but you are addicted to this man.
I know addiction. I was there. You try to respond to him, explain yourself, justify, because you are normal and you loved him and you still think if you say the right thing in the right way you will get through to him and everything will be ok. It won’t. It just eggs them on to bring you more pain. I am here to tell you that if he came back into your life, gave you everything you think you want from him (because that is really what you want, for everything to be ok again with him), it will all still be a lie, and this cycle of pain will happen again, and it will destroy you. I went through years of these mini-discards, I felt just like you do, and my psychopath kept coming back to me, only to torture me more and ultimately cause so much destruction in my life I will be feeling the effects forever.
How great and wonderful is his new relationship if he is taking time away from it to amuse himself with texts to you?
Change your number so you won’t get his texts. Get his stuff out of your house so you’re not using it as an opportunity to see him again (it will only twist you up and hurt you more, you will never, ever get what you want from him).
I have never told this embarrassing story to anyone, but maybe it will help you to see the futility of not breaking an addiction. After the initial love bombing phase, after I was addicted to this man, he started the push-pull, hinting that he might not want the relationship, but it was so good, etc. that caused me to get crazy. One Sunday we had plans to do something together, and just as I was getting ready to leave my house the phone rang. I recall being very happy that morning, looking forward to the day. It was him, and I happily said, oh, I was just getting ready to head over. He said, change of plans, I have a “friend” coming over today so we’re not going. Maybe there will be time to get together later, I will call you and let you know. I said what friend? We had plans! He said, well, they’ve changed. Click.
I was crushed. I spent the day hanging out at the house, crying, feeling terrible and trying to figure out what had just happened. I wasted MY Sunday. In the early evening, maybe around 5, he called and said – you can come over now, my friend is gone. What did I do? I didn’t say WTF, it’s 5 I’m not going anywhere I have to go to work in the morning. I packed an overnight bag with the stuff I needed for work, drove the 65 miles to his house (knowing I’d have to drive 65 miles back to work in the morning) and when he opened the door, he was fresh from the shower and it was clear he had just had sex with someone. He was smug – smirking. I thought I was tough and assertive and told him it was very rude and thoughtless to change our plans like that. He smirked at me and said “maybe so, but now you know I can do anything I want, don’t you”.
I went in, spent the night with him, had sex with him. Said nothing more.
He got what he wanted, I got pain. The pre-addiction woman would never have done that and I’ve gone back to that memory again and again, looking at my behavior. I have fantasized about how I should have turned right around and walked out the door and never went back. Instead, I thought I had gotten him back and “won”. Showed him I wouldn’t run. It is absolutely sick and ridiculous, but he had groomed me to respond that way.
Fast forward several years and the losses in my life are stacked up like pancakes. Please, please, please go no contact and save yourself. Please.
HanaleiMoon…wow, just wow. Your post just brought back so many memories for me. I did so many of the same things…spur of the moment meetings…a long drive to get to his apartment…being used as a piece of meat just for sex…knowing that he had most likely been with someone else…your describing him fresh out of the shower when you got there REALLY triggered a memory for me. It was the same kind of a deal…told me he had been gone doing something with his kids…the zoo is what I think he told me even though it was March and cold…when I finally get there at 10PM and yes, same as you, it was a Sunday night so we both had to go to work early in the morning…I walk in and he gave me a hug and when I hugged him, his body was on fire. I don’t mean that sexually, I mean his body temperature was really hot…now, because of your post, I know exactly why he was so hot…he had just gotten out of a super hot shower…one so hot as to wash away any signs of previous sex!!! OMG…why did I not see that then?? Because I was blind just like everyone on here. He was so adorable and so charming…I was so beyond addicted to him it wasn’t even funny. Actually, it was not funny at all…it was destroying. Wow. It’s amazing how other people’s posts can open our eyes!!! Thank you so much for that and don’t be embarrassed…look, I went through the EXACT same thing right down to the shower…OMG, can’t believe this.
SER, wow is right! I can still see him, right down to his eyes being a little bloodshot and his hair wet with the comb marks through it. He had that “look”. I always thought it was intentional, to make sure I knew what he had done, because it took me over an hour and a half to get there…he timed the shower perfectly. I have come to think of it as a notch in his bedpost – a day he did two women, one after the other, the second one getting in her car and driving to him on his command.
I used to see nothing but love and kindness in his face, but the reality of the relationship was anything but love and kindness. Now, when I uncover a photo of him that I’ve forgotten I had, I recoil…he looks so evil and creepy. I used to think he was adorable and charming too, but now I see through the mask.
HanaleiMoon…I can’t believe how much our stories are the same right down to it being a Sunday!! So crazy! Eyes bloodshot..yep, the drinking. Was he an alcoholic? Or just a drinker?
Exactly! The whole someone driving to him on his command…again, that was me!!! Exact same scenario. Thinking back, I would try to hold back and not go see him when he would ask, but it was so hard. I do remember one time though where I did not go when he asked. What I found out with that is they really don’t care one way or another. We think, or at least I thought, that if I didn’t do something he wanted that it may affect him a bit, but it didn’t. They just go on a whim…whatever happens, happens with them. They are just empty vessels. It’s very sad.
Evil and creepy…mine, too. His pic on LinkedIn right now…super creepy! I can see the devil all over it. Almost chilling.
SER, they have a handbook, I tell ya!
Mine was not an alcoholic. He used alcohol almost as a prop – he liked to have very expensive brands on hand, and absolutely loved to sit down at a bar and order a drink of the most expensive they had. All show.
Oh yes, I thought the same thing about not doing something he wanted…it doesn’t matter to them. They’re just going to do whatever they want, we will not even cross their minds.
After one mini-discard (he was “confused” about how deeply involved he was getting with me and “scared”…please), after I had agonized for a week, he called me and gave me a line of bull that I can’t believe I bought. It was a series of marathon phone calls (now I know that is an manipulative technique) and told me he had spent the week “watching the grass grow” and thinking about life…and that each time he thought of the future, he saw me by his side. That he knew it the relationship was right and that our future was together. This was the point where things changed and we moved forward to buying a house together.
About a year after the final discard, after I read about his antics at work in the press and talked to the women at his work, I found out that he had taken one of the women on a cruise, only to dump her. A quick review of the timeline lead me to think that that week when he was watching the grass grow and thinking about me by his side, he was actually on a cruise with her.
Slime. Scum. Evil. Monsters.
Hanalei and SER,
Wow, same story with me. It must be a universal handbook.
My husband took two weeks to seek intense counseling and time with God to sort his “feelings”. Actually, he took his new victim to Mardi Gras.
This all occurred while he was in recovery from his sex addiction (whorehoundness) and supposedly had been sexually sober for eight months. I’m laughing to myself.
HopingToHeal, I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks and your comment:
My husband took two weeks to seek intense counseling and time with God to sort his “feelings”. Actually, he took his new victim to Mardi Gras.
Actually made me LOL. Classic. Thanks for sharing that!
HanaleiMoon…HA…at least yours had that going for him NOT being an alcoholic. Mine was. Just adds another big dysfunction to the mix.
That is just awful what he did to you…taking another woman on a cruise while supposedly being with you. Didn’t you talk to some of the other victims? I wonder if any of them were as devastated as you?? It’s funny how our minds figure things out even a year later when we put two and two together. Except with them, 2+2=5. Nothing ever adds up with them. They are useless. That was his favorite word…useless. He called everybody useless. I am sure he has not changed a bit. They don’t. Not when they are that disordered. A good man who just makes some mistakes is way different than a man who is disordered at the core.
SER, I did talk to two of the women – both of who lost their jobs because of him. One dated him briefly and sensed something was wrong (and found out about me) and stopped) – so he retaliated, eliminating her position. The other refused his advances and the same thing happened. I never talked to the others, the ones who were said to have longer relationships with him or the one who went on the cruise. I’m sure they were all harmed to one degree or another, but they never had such involved relationships with him since his time was limited because I was his primary target.
I actually had a relationship with an alcoholic in the past and vowed never again and haven’t…I felt so lucky that I had met a wonderful man with no drinking problem (the psychopath). We got a winnah!
HanaleiMoon…Geez, they lost their jobs because of him?? They must have been devastated about that. He sounds like a really horrible person.
What you said about thinking you had found a wonderful man is so sad. That’s just it…how do we ever know?? I think it’s enough for me to never be in a serious relationship ever again. It’s OK to go out with guys for dinner or drinks and be friends…go dutch, but as soon as they want something more, I back off. I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen…I just don’t trust them now no matter how nice they seem. After all, didn’t the psychos seem nice at first?? And I think it was Annette who said she even waited until after marriage for sex (which is what I am doing) and he still turned out a mess!!! There are no guarantees and I don’t think I am ready to buy the merchandise without a guarantee! 🙂
SER, yes, they lost their jobs because of him. This drama was going on while we were in escrow on our new house and I had no idea. He was their supervisor and department head. The one who rejected him filed a claim when he did something truly harassing to her at work, and there was a complete investigation. Another female employee lied for him (I suspect he was sleeping with her) and bullied others to lie also, so the investigation was found that the claim against him had no merit. After this, he wrote them both out of the budget.
They both sued the agency and after a few years got a settlement. I found all this out about a year after he discarded me, only because it was in the paper. I also found out that he told me he had retired (about the time escrow was closing) because he was tired of the harassment against HIM, but actually he had been asked to leave and they paid him off to get him to go. He had a checkered employment past – leaving jobs for no apparent reason, and I now suspect that this wasn’t the first time he had done something like this.
I often wonder if his new wife did a google search on him since these articles are readily available and if so, how he explained it.
HanaleiMoon…so basically, he was let go due to all his shenanigans. Mine, too. After a very long career. I think they paid mine off also even though they were firing him. That is usually what happens if they are in an executive position. It all just makes me sick, every bit of it.
I feel sorry for your ex’s new wife. I can’t imagine. You KNOW she is now putting up with all the crap you did. Sad.
Amen! I too have plenty of ’embarrassing’ stories of my own behaviors with my ex P. So similar. Our attitudes and responses would not be embarrassing in a relationship with a good man who keeps commitments. I thought I was ‘safe’ because I waited for marriage to a church going man to have sex; but found that marrying a P just gave him more power, he managed to leave me and still attends church ‘religiously.’ He did all the usual P behaviors of constant discards and cheating (with porn, as far as I know, though there could be more).
Taralev
I feel so sorry for you. But you are playing his game and he is totally in control. You read his emails, his messages, you respond. That’s what he wants. He already left you. Do you really want a person like this back into your life ? What would you gain ? He is making it so clear that he is out to destroy you. Don’t let him. You have to let go. Let him be with the other woman , let him move on. You won’t be able to heal if you listen to his crap. Today , my ex tried to befriend my son on facebook. The ex is running out of resources how to contact him. We are totally ignoring him and he hates being ignored. Sunday is Father’s Day. You know what a loving father would never leave his only child without resources for food. He is evil. Until you see this you will not be able to go on.
I was exactly where you are now. I asked him over and over. “Why did you leave us after 20 years, why? And I got lies after lies. It’s useless and makes you cry. Put at stop to it, be strong and empowered and show him you are in control BY NOT RESPONDING TO HIS CRAP. .
Kaya- I know it is my fault. This has been too long I should be ready to be NC. I feel sucked in..I feel like I need a answer I will never get. I have to walk away..broken hearted, confused and feeling terrible about myself…because he is making me pick myself apart. I am not bipolar, I am not crazy, and I did not control him. We lived together..it is normal I ask him where hes going if hes leaving that is normal. I wouldn’t walk out of the house and not say where I am going.
He said ” what I do is none of your business I have been moved on you should too.” Then the next breath he says ” if I had not befreiend his ex we would have had a chance”
He has taken my self esteem to the level that I cant feel anything for myself. Why..would I ask a man who cheated on me to come home. Not with one woman- 2. He plotted and planned the whole thing. Yet I feel ADDICTED to the point I want to be in his life because I feel at least im there. I know that doesn’t make sense. But I ened to understand why whyyy he just left me. with nothing. No tv..still. He doesn’t want to gather his things..not that I would give to him. But he doesn’t even care about anything.
He has been seeing this girl way longer then I think. And in 6 years it was gone in a flash. He is with her..living his life. And I am balled up on the floor crying every night in physical pain.
Taralav,
I am so so sorry for the pain that you are going through. I remember not really getting out of bed much for several days at a time. My ex P kept running me through the same cycle over and over and over again. I kept responding like a normal person, but these Socio/Psychopaths are not normal and they do not want the same things normal people want. They want us to feel bad, they want the power and control they feel when they sadistically torture others. They do not want mutually respectful, loving, committed relationships based on enhancing the well being of one another. They do not want to be providers and protectors of those they love. They basically do not love and they do not bond.
The way you feel is not your fault. You are responding normally to being mistreated abnormally. You bond with people and you commit to them, and you can’t walk away without breaking an ‘addiction’ that is appropriate in a committed relationship. The bonded feelings are what keep people together through hard times and temptations. You are capable of having a committed relationship. Spaths are not.
Their evil motivations and sadistic glee are so unbelievable that it takes a while for it to sink in emotionally even after we get it intellectually. And most people don’t ever get it unless we have experienced it first hand. My first husband passed away at age 43 and everyone got it and my grief was understood by others. My second ‘marriage’ to a spath ended, hardly anyone understood, outside of people who had experienced similar and folks on sites like Lovefraud.
I figured out that anything I could say to my ex P, he already knew and mostly knew what I would say because he was controlling and orchestrating my responses. Whatever you say to him, he already knows. It really is just a game to him, and they do not change. Your responses are appropriate to a normal man who is making a mistake and who can hear you and ‘wake up’ and say something like, ‘What was I thinking?’ But if your ex thought and acted normally, he would not be doing what he’s doing. If he really wanted to move on to a healthy relationship, he would not be texting you such sadistic insanity.
Consider focusing on one small change. For example tell yourself that if (and he probably will) he contacts you again that you will not respond for 48 hours. You can always respond, but every minute, hour, day that you don’t, is empowering. This will give you time to rest, and it will free you from his control a little. Consider turning off your phone for one day. Consider blocking him for one day. You can always come back to contact with him, but once you’re made contact you can’t undo it.
I was very addicted (I also keep commitments, don’t give up on anything easily) and slowing down the communications worked for me. Eventually, he wanted to meet me and I put him off for about 6 months. When I finally met with him, he was still able to push my buttons, and I realized that NC was the only way for me.
It isn’t the end of the world if you respond; it took me quite a few rounds before I ‘got it’ about my ex P. Try not to spend energy beating yourself up for responding. Try to use all your energy to resist responding because that is the path to getting out of the misery.
Take care of yourself, for the sake of your friends, family, and all of us here who care about you. You have great value.