UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
To THISTOOSHALLPASS, your good words have been like medicine to me today. They were what I needed to hear, and they reinforced that there ARE some nuggets of wisdom in my head…even on the bad days. These experiences have left us with so much self doubt.
Yes, I have read the book you recommended; however it sounds like it is time to pull it off the shelf again.
I LOVE the fact that this website is available 24/7, and that they are wise people posting all the time. So many times, we need help RIGHT NOW, and there is nowhere to turn to talk about the moment and hear wise advice at the time when we need it most.
I do hope that I can return the favors to all the wise women someday….
neveragain51,
You’re already returning the favor! I’m happy that I’ve been helpful to you today. You’re helping me as well! I’m feeling pretty low at the moment and your comment has lifted my spirit. Thank you!
I love this website, too. I’ve been thinking a lot today, with all my posting, that spath #2 knows I used this site because of #1. It wouldn’t be too hard for him to figure out who I am. It may not be the safest thing for me to be on here. I’ve weighed the consequences though and if I stop using this site than I’d be down a huge resource that I find so helpful and I’d probably be contacting him and would self destruct! I’m wondering if it’s considered me not staying NC if there’s a possibility he is following this?
I’m not sure I’m so wise at this point, just have 2 spaths worth of experience under my belt! 🙂 I’m still trying to figure so much out. Judging from your posts, you have more than just SOME nuggets of wisdom in your head! You are listening to yourself, staying true to yourself, understanding and have stayed NC despite being baited just this morning!
While I was reading your message from yesterday about considering that it is not safe for you to post here….red flags were jumping all over my brain. Don’t let him do that 2 you! Even if you have to change names repeatedly – don’t give up a source of strength out of fear. There are a million logins you could use!
It is a scary thing to know you are being watched….I never realized how scary until I made my decision about spath #2. My spath #2 also stole my identity. I was getting calls from companies confirming my applications for credit. A person feels so violated. It’s like a rape, when someone steals what is most private to you. But again, don’t let fear keep you from getting help and support.
Thank you for the reinforcement. Today is a better day than yesterday, but we are all helping each other. For me, the help is stronger here than anywhere else! I respect each of you for what you have been through, the recovery you are going through now, and the wisdom you are gaining because of it.
neveragin,
Interesting you got thought of the reflags! I don’t want to let him do this to me. I want to live MY life and how I choose. I’ve had 3 user names already. It makes it difficult to post because I feel like I’m starting from scratch with my supports on here. It’s still an outlet but not the same. My counselor always encourages me to take my time before making decisions and that’s what I’ve decided to do, for now at least. I’m just not ready to make another change yet.
I’m so sorry #2 stole your identity. These people are so disordered. I wish people could be more informed about spaths before it gets so bad we are in ruin. I hear you on the whole rape thing. As a victim of rape (many moons ago), in my experiences with my spaths, I can honestly say I’ve felt raped and raped (but worse, if that makes sense) over and over and over again. It’s horrible. I shared my story about #1 with Remember last night and have been shaking since, every time I think about him.
Doesn’t help that today I ran into an acquaintance who is now friends with him. She was a deer in headlights. My gut told me things weren’t right when we ended up speaking (it was for work). It was strange and awkward and unsettling. She of course was on her phone ASAP texting the second she saw me. Maybe I’m reading into things but something didn’t feel right. I’m wondering how far the smearing has gone or if she’s participated in some of the stalking. She’s BFFs with 2 minions he’s used against me to stalk. This happening today definitely didn’t help! It’s amazing to me that my trauma can be so easily triggered.
I’m so happy you’re having a better day today! I respect you and your journey as well, thank you. Your words and strength are proof that you have such a good heart and will get past all of this. I truly believe that.
Your comments sound like they could apply to me…I also changed phone numbers,e mails frequently…..at one point, I could not remember my correct number any more…but it saved me from so much pain that he could have inflicted on me.
Thank you that you think I am a good example for moving on. Once I accepted the truth, then I was able to live my new life a new direction. In the 20 years I totally lost myself in trying to pleasing him and making him happy, at the end playing detective. I, as a person, was lost. It was always about him. Did I act right, did I look according to his standard, was I smart enough, sexy enough for him…it was so exhausting. I used to get panic attacks when I was asked to stay a little longer at work. I worried…Oh my god, I wont be able to fix his dinner….I was in a zombie state.
Now, it is like a never ending vacation for me. I used to get yelled at when there was too windy at the beach, when the waves were too high for fishing….anything could set him off.
Thinking back, I was very naive and blind. I never thought that he was having an affair, even though the proof was right in front of my eyes. All of a sudden everything made sense. The way he criticized me, the way he looked at me…he was disgusted with me…because he wanted to be free.
He never realized that he set me free by leaving. Now, he is the one who is the prisoner of his own self…
kaya48,
You are such a good example for moving on! I’m grateful you’re on this site. I’m still working on accepting the truth. There are some days that I still question my sanity with all of this (it’s all so crazy!) and then I go to this site, read literature on spaths and go through my journal. It doesn’t take much to get back on track these days.
I can’t imagine living with this nightmare for 20 years, and with a child at that! Although it sounds like your son is a true blessing. 🙂 Total my spaths were 20 months. I dated #2 for a few months or so before #1. Dated #1 for 8 months and then #2 for 8 months. Back to back, which isn’t like me. #2 preyed on me for sure. 20 long months of hell on earth. I’m dating myself now for 8 months. At least. I’m so happy to be free from them.
I love that you are on a never ending vacation! Being free of his control must feel amazing. Was he controlling from the start? If so, how long did it take for him to up the ante on you? My spath #1 started showing his true colors very early in. #2 waited 5 months. From what I understand, some spaths hold out for years before showing their true colors.
As for the phone numbers, I can’t keep them straight at this point! I’m glad I’m not alone! A couple of times when I’ve been asked my number I go blank and can’t figure it out. I’m sure I’ve looked like a deer in headlights! I’ve changed so many emails and passwords to so many things. I can’t keep them straight on a day to day basis. It can be so frustrating! But so worth it.
This too shall pass
Thank you. I am so grateful and blessed that I can be on this site. I know that was one of Gods purposes…my trial should be helping others.
And yes, there were warning signs from day one. The only reason I “endured” 20 years was that he was mostly deployed with the US Army and I was on by myself with my son. Only after he retired and became a cop, did “all hell break lose”. I saw the monster he was on a daily base. He worked nightshifts and my every day of my life a living hell. I always knew he was a Narcissist. Did I think he was cheating? No, that was the last thing on my mind. I knew he did not have any empathy or compassion, no understanding for someones pain , and no respect for anyone.
I later found out that he had many affairs with female soldiers in his unit, with other soldiers wives, with fellow female cops….he was addicted to his porn sites..he loved taking pictures of his “muscles”, of his private parts….he was a member on adult cheater websites, like Ashley Madison. He had a total secret life. To this day I do not know how I was in such denial. He was very good at hiding it until I became very good at “investigating”. One evening I had access to his email account and there was the proof. I did not confront him, installed spyware and monitored his activities for a few months. He got braver and braver….until I had enough. I printed out all the nasty pictures and laid them out on the dining room table….
Of course, it was not him in the pictures…he only put them on the computer because he like seeing himself naked….more lies, lies and lies.
I don”t miss those times. I truly was a Zombie..shaking, racing heart beat, getting sick in my stomach, high blood pressure. And his answer was. “Wow, you are so mental.” “You have crazy eyes, you are a crazy b….”.
That is why I MISS NOTHING about this guy….NOTHING.
They are all the same, they are selfish, little cowards. But you know their time is coming. I cannot forgive what he did to me…that is way beyond my capability and I will leave this part up to my God.
kaya48,
You laid all the pictures out on the dining room table? Priceless! Of course it wasn’t him and you’re the crazy one!
You were in denial because he conditioned you that way. I imagine you needed to shut down over the years to cope with the trauma. 20yrs of brainwashing, gaslighting, crazy making and cheating is 20yrs too long!!!
He’s a horrible man! Good thing you got away. Your life was saved, you saved your life. How is your health these days? Improved I bet!
This too shall pass
You are absolutely right, you cannot win against them. I won in court against my ex husband, because I had a good attorney, and judges are used to manipulators, criminals, evil people. My ex was not able to “turn to his handsome looks, to his cop status”…it did no matter..
You should never try to annoy them, or aggravate them…its winning for them, because they got a reaction.
Going no contact means removing the toxicity out of your life, ending the emotional “cycling”…just like a hamster in a little wheel..never getting anywhere with them. It starts helping with detachment. Space to heal. I went no contact also as a consequence for him to have a relationship with someone else, or for choosing to no longer have a marital relationship. Like I said, there are consequences for being an inappropriate spouse.
It gives you the time to stabilize and gain strength, to build resistance and to finally say “I AM DONE”.
Kaya,
There is no winning with them, except for NC. I believe you’ve posted about this dozens of times and it helps so much. I just rehashed my experience with spath #1 in a reply to remember me not. It puts things into such perspective for me. No way can I break NC with #2! He preyed on me when I was weak and scared. I know him for what he is. It’s so hard for me to believe I’ve wanted to contact him. I need to protect my inner child and save myself, as you did. I can do this, dammit.
Space to heal…you’re spot on. There’s something that’s been bothering me today, with all my posting. Having a hard day! #2 knows I used this site for #1. I’ve changed my user name a couple of times, however if he were to read up on this site he would know it’s me, especially now that I’ve shared so much. By posting on here am I breaking NC? I feel the benefits of this site. I’ve tried others but it’s not the same. Do I stop posting and read only (I’ve done that in the past and it’s still somewhat helpful)? Or do I continue to do what I want to do and post? This decision is hard for me. I’m not sure what to do. I may not make an immediate decision about it right now….Any advice? I’m so angry that I was preyed on after #1. He love bombed me. I trusted him and now I’m left with this decision.
Thistoo-
FWIW, I don’t think you are breaking NC by posting here, even if you are worried that #2 is lurking. Are you breaking NC by going to a grocery store he may frequent? No. You need to eat and taking elaborate measures to go out of your way to another store is like letting #2 win. Going underground here on LF would be the same. Chances are that there are several other stalker spaths out there who are NOT #2 that recognize themselves in your story and think you are their victim. After all, people are always posting how eerily similar their stories are. Just leave out enough specific detail to keep #2 wondering – or throw in a few red herrings, like what fun you had last weekend at Disney world and didn’t even think of #1 or #2 all weekend long.
Sometimes I wonder if they are all remotely controlled by some alien species – when the sociopath in my life does something disturbing, someone on here usually posts about a similarly disturbing incident in their own lives.
I believe in a real spirit world, both and good spirits, as described in the Bible. I perceive that evil spirit beings influence people to the extent that they are able. Satan is described as the “prince of the power of the air” in Ephesians 2:2.
AnnettePK,
Evil is something I’ve struggled with over the years. I never believed in true BAD people, as in evil, which is what I think you’re describing. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
I believed just “bad” people existed I just didn’t know what that truly meant until now, although I’ve always questioned. Years ago I worked with special needs young adults who had extreme behavioral problems. This may sound harsh, considering my field, but in my time working with 100s of children/adults with special needs/significant behavioral problems, I believe I’ve encountered 5 really bad people. It’s hard to explain. They were not just bad, they were something else. Some so unnerving I’ve pondered them to this day.
Now I believe, because of my experiences with the spaths, evil really does exist. I realize they have a disorder. It doesn’t matter to me. The pain they cause is intentional. They know right from wrong. The truly bad young adults I worked with were also disordered. I’m not sure they knew the difference between right and wrong, but still they weren’t right. Again, I’ve worked with 100s of disordered individuals. I encounter physical violence on a daily basis working with disordered children. They can’t help themselves, often because they have difficulty expressing themselves. I love them with all of my heart.
The evil ones, in all walks of life, they’re different. We know they are bad, just as we know we are good. I’m grateful for this lesson. Eyes wide open from here on out!
Annette,
I reread your post and somehow skimmed the evil and Satan part (so basically the gerth of your post). I was more focused on your first sentence and pondering about the spirit world. Glad we’re on the same page!
NMW,
I appreciate your analogy! I never thought about it that way. I just want to be careful. This is my life, dammit! I watch my back while at the store, why not here too?! Haha.
This site helps me. I’ve decided to go about business as usual and healing in the ways I feel are best for me, for now at least. I was very detailed in my stories yesterday and found I’ve been beating myself up for it some. I’m trying to be kind to myself. I just don’t want to jeopardize my safety and need to stay aware. It’s hard thinking spath #1 and #2 may be lurking.
Remotely contolled by some alien species! They DO exist! 🙂 AMEN!! During my time on here (almost a year now) I am still amazed that our stories are different yet all the same.
Don’t beat yourself up. There have been times I have wanted to post specific stories for advice and feedback, but I know the sociopath is on here because of comments the sociopath has made. I don’t think it is terribly likely I will be recognized, but there is a chance that I do not yet feel safe enough to take. Since we don’t frequent the same house of worship or grocery stores, I don’t really look over my shoulder too much in real life. Most of the harassment and stalking takes place online or through hacking into my phone. I don’t stay away from social media, but my real life friends know if something odd pops up it is from the sociopath. They also know if calls are suddenly ended or misdirected it is probably the sociopath. Most of my meaningful communication now takes place the old fashioned way – face to face. I actually find I prefer life this way.
NMW,
I like that last point you made, communicating face to face. Lately these days I barely like texting anymore, when people text me, often I just call them back. I learned that alot of people keep their text messages for a very long time. After being betrayed and watching others be betrayed, I trust no one anymore.
Thank you, NMW! I have a hard time not beating myself up these days. It’s something I’m trying to be hyper aware of. It’s good to know others share my concern about being stalked. I changed my number last time because he got into my phone somehow.
I’ve changed my user name 3 times now on here. My first time I shared too much. The 2nd time I was terrified to post and only posted conspicuous things. This time I was cautious until I started posing more and more. I don’t want to sensor myself anymore. Even though they terrify me and I know they are stalking. It feels so good to post, be supported when I share and support others through my sharing.
We all are anonymous on here and our stories so similar. There’d be a lot to read through for them to figure things out. Both my spaths didn’t sleep and were on their computers constantly. #2 once said that if I looked up #1 to try and figure him out, imagine how much he was searching for me to find something. He mocked #1. Now I know it’s true. Good lord knows what he’s up to.
I suppose it’s all about finding balance, even on here. In light of being kind to myself, I’ll get there eventually, right?
Thistoo –
You are exactly right. I have decided to live my life without making the sociopath the primary point around which I plan. Otherwise, what was the point of leaving?
Physical distance has made it harder (but not impossible) to stalk me in person. The sociopath’s rants and playacting did not go over well with the court, so legal abuse against me would not be very much fun. Social services has found all of the sociopath’s claims against me to be unsubstantiated. The children have not turned against me despite an intense lovebombing/parental alienation campaign. In person interaction is no fun either since I am a grey rock. If you wave a gun at a grey rock and get no reaction, how can you ramp up from there without getting thrown in jail?
NMW,
“If you wave a gun at a grey rock and get no reaction, how can you ramp up from there without getting thrown in jail?” Great analogy! It sounds like things are working in your favor, despite him being a disordered monster and being stalked!
From what we know so many women are unfortunate in court and their kids turn against them despite the truth. Your truth is loud and clear. That’s a blessing.
I find myself needing to remember to live my life for me. That’s up to me and something I “get” to do now. WE are blessed and we are free!!!
Thistoo –
It is easier to remain grey rock when you know you have a camera secretly recording the encounter with the sociopath. If I did get shot, it would have been on the recording that the shooting was unprovoked despite whatever fantasy story the sociopath would weave for law enforcement. I also have my phone set to automatically upload photos and recordings to the cloud. I am careful to only be in public places face to face with the sociopath, including during child exchange.
NMW,
You’re a smart women! When it comes to potentially physically dangerous spaths (in my opinion they all are), we must take saftey into our own hands. Smart of you to record and meet in public places! How did you set up communication to go straight to iCloud? I wish I had figured that one out, keeping everything in one place…and stored!
This too –
Sorry, have been away at HS reunion and not checking in. The auto upload for photos and videos is a google feature you can set on a smart phone, I don’t know if apple has a similar feature. I would think so.
NMW,
Glad you had fun! I’m not surprised that the people are the same. Mine is coming up in 2 years. I live in my home town so occasionally run into people, who are still the same! 🙂 Funny how we learn over time but some never change. In a way I can thank my spaths for making me see the light and forcing true change for the good. At least there’s that, right?!
NMW,
Thank you, I’m sure I have things floating around in the “cloud” somewhere. Now thta I’ve changed so many ways to contact me I’m not too worried. I do have an account that can be contacted but mail goes to trash.
How was your reunion? I hope you had fun. I’d so love to get away and out of my head right now!
The reunion was fun. It is funny to see how people have changed in 20 years and how in some ways they are still just the same. Snobs are still snobs and nice folks are still nice. It is just harder to tell at a glance now which are which since we are all “old” haha.
Hanalei
LOL…thanks, love the title Poster Girl. Believe me, 2 years ago, I was a complete “mess”. I came a long hard way, like you. Like you I have lost a lot in this relationship..
I am now OK with having lost material things and my “dream house”. But what he also did to me is that he created trust issues for me. He damaged my self esteem (his wife, the one he promised to love). I will always struggle with trust. He destroyed my child’s financial security, he caused my son to question the stability of every meaningful relationship he will ever have. For children, their parents relationship is their anchor and cheating cuts the line.
You know entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure….he thought it was worth it. But I finally had enough.
Kaya you are a strong woman and inspiration!! All of you are..you helped pull me thru so much
I just HAD to check in with all my friends on here…kAYA..Anette Haneli ..not what..all of you who helped me.
I have been a little more than a year now away from the spath who lied and manipulated my life. This exact time last year I was a zombie. I could not eat sleep..I was just so depressed.
In that time..my mom died..and I had to learn to cope with things. Guess what…the BEST karma happened…FINALLY. My sociopath ex got that new supply PREGNAT!! Yup. He now will have 3 THREE kids with 3 random women.
I just had to share…how good is karma. That poor minion is 28 and he is going to be 40 and is a awful father!! She is having his baby!!
Sometimes I wish sociopathy caused sterility… Another sociopath within my extended circle of acquaintance has 12 children by 12 mothers and I don’t think he is even 35. He is currently on trial for child molestation (not sure if the 13 year old got pregnant). They may share the genetic code of humans, but I don’t count them as human.
Taralav,
Hi. I’ve only been on here for a very short time, but I just want to say i’m glad you are doing better and not in that depression anymore.
It’s nice to reflect back and see the difference isn’t it?.
Glad you got to hear about a lil karma making it’s way around too.
Take care!
Taralav,
I agree with Remember! I’m happy you checked in with us. I used to follow your posts and remember being so worried about you at times. I was actually just thinking about you yesterday!
Karma, indeed. I believe some good karma for you is coming your way! I’m thankful you’re in a better place.
Tara,
Good to hear from you! Thank you for dropping by to say hello! I think it’s wonderful that you’re doing well, and not having the need to be here anymore.
The sad thing about your ex spath’s new victims is that the pain of karma probably won’t affect him, but his new victim will feel, or already is experiencing, the kind of horror you went through. And who knows what is in store for the child. Let’s hope and pray she gets out before his choices destroy her.
Wishing you the best of everything forever!
Thanks again, HM, for your always appropriate advice. Yes, anger should not define us, and I feel myself passing through the stage with each day thinking less about it.
This site represents freedom for me! It is the freedom to be who I really am without judgement, condemnation, violation, being told what to think, being afraid for my safety, wondering about lies versus truth…all of the hellish activities that we have experienced. There is none of that here. We are loved through our struggle, and encouraged as we grow in strength. I love being able to post here.
I may not be able to post for a few weeks; I am having (right) wrist surgery tomorrow…not carpel tunnel but some sort of bone removal and fusion. I will continue to read but may not be able to write for a while. Praying for you all…
Neveragain, sending good vibes and best wishes for a speedy recovery on your wrist surgery! xo
Thank you. It will be fine…the pain will be gone. Look forward to being able to type again…(ha!)
neveragain,
Typing is key…especially when blogging! 🙂
Good luck on your surgery! We’ll miss you!! xxxxx
Taralev
How happy I am you checked in with us. I remember in how much pain you were last year. I was always trying to give you hope. I was praying for you and your recovery. I am so thrilled that he put himself in a difficult position by becoming a father again. At his age it will be an entire different experience for him. Fortunately my ex got a vasectomy shortly after he left us. I am glad he cannot be a “bad father” to another child again. I know it was Gods plan to make sure that he will never put another child through what he put this family.
I also moved forward, with my divorce being final in July of last year. I am still no contact for almost 2 years now. It got easier with time and now I find myself not thinking of my past much anymore. My son and I are ok. We survived this drama , chaos, crazy making time and we are so blessed.
Just today I was looking at the sunrise, birds singing, palm trees around here everywhere, the turquoise water of the gulf (I can see that from the place I work ) and I smiled to myself and told God “thank you, God, for answering my prayers , for taking evil out of my life , giving me grace , and letting me still be on this earth “. Had he not met these minions I would be sitting in my “crying closet ” worrying who he is screwing.
Taralev , I always knew that things would become better for you Keep up the strength. God bless all of you here.
This too shall pass
I totally agree with you. I feel the same. Before I met my ex husband I loved going out dating , meeting new people. Now , i can’t even imagine dating a man. I see “the pervert” in every male person who just looks at me. I will forever have trust issues, I will forever have truth issues. Thanks to my ex who destroyed my ability to trust and love.
I am fine on my own at the moment. Maybe one day we can be more “open” again to meeting someone who really deserves our love. Until then, I am happy and in a good place. I will always have the unconditional love of my son and my beloved 2 little yorkie dogs and not to forget my little cat. 🙂
Kaya,
I have a yorkie (part papillon) too! And a little black pom who is so special (I work with special needs kids so I know special!). They are my loves. I am grateful for them. They have gotten me through divorce, were by my side when I was so poor I could barely feed me/them and now 2 spaths! I so want a cat. That’s on my to do list. Both my dogs were raised by cats. So funny!
I have to believe God and the Universe will help heal our trust some and present us with people we discover are truly good. I’m only in my mid thirties, I’d still like to start a family bu I figure I can do that on my own if I feel that pull strong enough. I’m not saying NEVER to the thought of another man, however I’m comfortable with the thought I may be alone forever. I feel free. I’m not to the happy place I used to be. Freedom to make my own choices and do what I want is good enough for me right now.
Thistooshallpass, every single day I also ask God and the Universe to help heal our trust and present us with people we discover are truly good. I also ask for the guidance to recognize them when they cross my path.
You sound like you have your head on just right!
PS I had one cat and added a second about a year after I was discarded. She was a great addition to our little family! I tell her she is so sweet she poops sugar cane! Adopting a dog is on my to do list.
HM,
You sound like you have your head on just right!! You for us! 🙂
I’m more than happy to be more aware and believe I am. Spath #2 is proof. I think he could’ve fooled me for a long time if it weren’t for spath #1, educating myself and God. I am grateful it only took me 8 months, although damaging to my spirit.
I love we have our animals. I don’t know what we’d do without their constant love! I’m waiting to get a cat until I know if I need to move far far away because of my spaths….
this too shall pass
thank you for these true words “freedom to make my own choices”. Exactly, this is how I feel. It took me a long time to get to this happy place. And freedom was one of the most important benefits that came with it. Freedom from walking around on eggshells 24/7, freedom from being the receiver of the lies and betrayals, freedom to not question my worth 24/7.
I remember how my mind raced around this man non-stop. I used to get up in the middle of the night, checking the spyware and finding more evidence….no more sleep for that night.
I once found messages from minions on his iphone. I am not proud to say that I took that I phone and threw it in the lake behind my house. This man brought out behaviour in me that I myself never thought I was capable of. I told my counsellor about this incident. She said “don ‘t worry, he wants you to do those things, he wants to portray you as crazy, it gives him confirmation for his right to commit adultery.” She was so right. It was a wicked game he played. But now these games are over and I am in control, 100 percent…because I refuse to respond to his little antics he throws my way once in a while….
I learned and I took the lesson and used it to my benefit. I still treasure the words of my attorney who said “I am so proud of you, I did not know you had it in you. Remember the day you sat in my office crying about this bogus restraining order and now look at you. Not one tear, not one emotion in court. You are a gladiator….”
And that is how I still feel..
Kaya,
I love your response and can so relate, even though my time with the spaths were so much shorter. You are a gladiator!!! You’ve spoken in length about your attorney. I’m so grateful God brought you the gift of such wonderful support. That’s what your attorney is, WONDERFUL!
“Don’t worry, he wants you to do those things, he wants to portray you as crazy, it gives him confirmation for his right to commit adultery.” My counselor has also talked to me about this. I tell her about my poor choices to act like #2 and she says that’s exactly what he wants. I’m the crazy one then. This alone has helped me tremendously in staying NC.
Freedom from not walking on eggshells, from being the receiver of lies and betrayal, and not to question self worth (that’s a BIG one). Sounds about right! 🙂