UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Annette
I so much agree with you. I always knew there were “bad” people in this world, I know we call them Narcissists, Sociopaths and so on.
I know that my ex husband was all of that, but most of all he was evil. When my pastor talks about darkness, evil, Satan….it describes my ex in every way. I know and believe that my ex is some sort of Lucifer. Very handsome, so misleading, so deceitful.
I memorize scripture so these evil forces will never get a hold on me again….I
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
“No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”
Most important”
You cannot overcome him with your owns strength and wisdom. When he knocks on your door to attack, discourage you, tempt you, or whatever, don’t answer it. LET THE LORD MEET HIM AND CONQUER HIM.
I just want to say thanx again Donna!
The answer you just gave to this young woman, just gave me one more important piece to the puzzle!
I also felt that this “pride thing” is the only way out; just to give in and admit that we are humans so strongly (to contradict the unhuman experiences we had), but still it might sound like some kind of an AA-meeting where you have to give up the pride of all the good that you actually are, and admit that “you are wrong”.
That comes from the instinct in the backbone, because we are really humans in a harsh world, but they are not. They are predators…
The point is, in this problem, I think, that the psychopath really have “overcome us” so deeply, that they have actually been able to kill our pride and feeling of being worth something too, so that by humiliating ourselves, we will at least get some “time to think” so to speak, and hopefully get back on our feet after. I think it works same like the “chock state” after a trauma of a car accident for example, this whole scenario that they do to us. That it is too big to handle for the moment, but if you just start by “putting down the neck”, sooner or later you will get over it.
And you will too. But not as easily as we thought, it costs more than most people in the world can understand, but it will eventually make us grow, more than the lucky “normal relationship” people will ever understand…
But it will take a lot of “shame” to go through also, before you get back on your feet again, but at the same time you have learned to be Noble (a thing to really be proud of in today´s world)! A treat that we have so often forgotten and not had time even to think about in this hard modern world.
I sincerely hope that this small step on the journey through life will at least make me a little bit more humble and noble – without giving myself away!
Love to you all!
An open letter to him…
Last night you called me from a number that I had not blocked. Why? It rang twice and then I suppose you realized you called me and not her. Seeing how the exchange for both of our numbers is the same. I was lying in bed reading and at peace. When my phone starting ringing and I looked at the number, I immediately went into panic mode. I started shaking uncontrollably. I broke out in a cold sweat. My stomach started churning. This is what you do to me. I knew when you hung up after the second ring that you didn’t mean to call me but isn’t it interesting how our subconscious works. It was at a particular time when you would always call me. I am glad that I did not answer and that number is now blocked. I am glad that I was strong enough to not answer. I hate the feelings that you still evoke in me. I hate that just seeing a number of yours puts me in a full panic. Some day, I hope that feeling goes away. I have fully realized what you are. I have fully realized that I was nothing to you. I have finally realized that you hurt people and you don’t care. That you want whatever is good for you in that moment. That you are a weak person. That you cannot admit to anything that you have done wrong. I hope that she has taken you back. I feel sorry for her but it is her life to choose. You will never be faithful to her. You have told me to much to believe that will ever happen. I am just thankful for the final discard. It took me a long time. It took me more discards than I could ever imagine. I haven’t shed one tear over this last discard. The moment it happened, I shut the door on that emotional side. My tears are not worth falling over you. You have no tears. You have no emotion. What a horrible way to live. I do not hate you because to hate would mean I would have to exude effort. And you are no longer worth my effort. You are no longer worth having a place in my brain, my heart or my life. So this is me shutting the door on you and your pathetic self.
Great letter, and the best part is you shared it with your LF friends here, who understand and care. Our ex spaths don’t understand and don’t care. Your ex would enjoy your pain, and enjoy that your attention is focused on him. Good for you for depriving him of that, although he won’t care – he will just move on to a new victim he can successfully manipulate and torment.
Thanks, Annette. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am today. He would enjoy my pain, he loves the torment. I have gotten off the rollercoaster. If anything, the feeling that I felt last night when my phone rang was something that I never want to feel again.
I knew that sharing this with all of you would let me get it out and not for it to just sit in an draft email box.
I am sure that he has a new victim. Maybe it was her he was trying to call instead of me.
Or he may have been trying to mess with your head, trolling for whatever drama he can get from you….
May you and I and all survivors get to the point where we don’t get hooked in and don’t really care beyond caring about the perpetual pain and suffering the ex spaths are causing someone somewhere.
That is exactly what my best friend said to me this morning. She was glad that I didn’t respond or answer the phone.
I will never understand why someone will want to continue putting someone in pain. It baffles me.
I have read your posts on PTSD. Makes perfect sense. I feel that I have a bit of it. How could we not?!?
freedom
wow”this sounds like it were me saying exactly what he did to me”the feeling you had last nite when the MF called you?? that is the exact feeling i had throughout the whole three years with him”each time a text came, an email came, i saw his name somewhere”i was so stressed and anxious because my days would be spent trying to figure out what he meant in this message or that message”it would take me days of being OCD over something he had said and i would spend my waking hours trying to analyze each and every word”but yet, i loved him”
your letter is perfectly said and perfectly written”.i am with you completely on this!
i am back my friends…..surgery went well….few minor complications after…like too tight bandage and wrong pain meds…but i am here…i am a survivor….ha
neveragain,
You are a survivor! Welcome back. 🙂
Never,
Yaay!
Glad you are good now!
Freedom
So true what you stated in your open letter to him. To stop loving a person is very difficult. I now realize that my ex had stopped “loving” me or his family (not sure if he ever did) long before the final discard. He left this marriage long before I found out about “her”. He detached himself long before declaring me mentally ill. It was a plan he had put in place. Like he was on one of his army missions. The plan had to be carried out to every detail. The only thing was that I was not aware of this plan. Otherwise I could have “planned ” accordingly.
That’s why it was such a shock to have that “rug ripped away from underneath”.
I am so glad I am not an option to him anymore. I will never make myself an option to anyone again. Yes, they are pathetic. And that is why I cut him completely out of my life. Almost 2 years now and forever more. God bless you all here on this site. Life is good. We are alive, We are free and we are sane.
Thanks, Kaya. It has taken me a long time to realize what I wrote above. I needed to share my feelings with you all on here. I did not want to waste them on him. I did not want to give him the pleasure of responding to his mistaken call to me. What a joke he his (and all of the “hims”). It takes us all different times and different discards to finally reach a breaking point. I FINALLY reached it.
I had drinks with an old friend last week. He and I always had fun together. He is nothing more than a friend. He did not know about what I had been going through as I have only told 2 people (except for my friends here). When I took a breath and gathered myself to continue my story, he got up and gave me the biggest hug. At that point, I knew that I was going to be alright. He sat back down and said..”Freedom, you are worth more than that. You are young, beautiful and one of the smarted women I know. Stop going back to what is not good for you and only gives you pain.” It felt so good to tell him what I had been going through and for him to not judge or say that I am crazy. Just him letting me know that he cares and that I am worth more.
And yes….God bless all of us. We are alive, free and SANE!
dear friends……thanks for your support. i am still typing with one hand but the pain in my wrist is minor compared to the pain in our hearts from our spaths. i am still being baited with i love you emails….but they go straight into a special folder in case a paper trail is ever needed. she said to me once that she is breaking parole by contacting me via email…so why would she take that chance if not for love? i cannot answer her question…but i am learning that spaths use just enough of the truth to make their story believable. the no contact has given me distance to think clearly. i don’t want the kind of life she offers. and if she wants to believe that she is the victim and everyone has abandoned her for no reason…then i say run with it. i am done trying to convince her otherwise.
i asked my brother…who read her correctly from the start and was not influenced by her charm…what he saw in her that told him she was dangerous. he said it was her tough demeanor. might be a lesson in that for all of us….
ALSO…..JOYCE AND DONNA….CHECK YOUR WEBSITE CERTIFICATE. BELIEVE IT MAY BE EXPIRED.
Neveragain, glad you’re on the road to recovery with your hand!
She’s breaking parole by contacting you, but she’s willing to take that chance for love”ugh! Such manipulation! More like she’s willing to take that chance to see what she can get out of you.
I heard something similar – “I’ve been so hurt and used by women”I was ready to be alone”but then I met you and you’re different”if we had met when we were younger, both our lives would have been so different”I’m not afraid anymore.” More like I want you to think I’m as committed as you are so you won’t question me when I treat you like crap or discard you multiple times and keep you living on quicksand while I go do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Yup.
You nailed it. Just enough truth to make the story believable.
i can see it now….couldnt or rather didn’t want to believe it a few months ago. the story unfolds like all the others…..she KNEW i had to sell the house to pay off debts for her…and she knew i moved away because of her. yet before i started no contact she was still begging me for money. “just $25 so i can pay rent and not get thrown into the street in the middle of winter…..i don’t even ask for food money…but i will not survive on the street in my health.” that last request was when i started no contact. i realized it will never end and i cannot save her……if 100k dollars would not save her…then no amount of money would ever be enough. she would never have stopped taking from me. but she knew what words to say to get to me. little did she know that her own words gave me the strength to open the cage door and fly away…free.
Neveragain, when you stand back and think about it objectively – you sold your HOUSE in order to pay off debts for her”and all she wants is MORE. It is horrific.
These conscienceless leeches will not stop until there is nothing left”or until they find a new target that has something they want more.
In my case, in the end, my ex didn’t even want to “profit” from what he took from me, he actually invested a little of his own money to help get me in a position where he could make sure that I lost all that I had”and he wasn’t even there to watch the aftermath. Just knowing he did it was enough for him. I will be forever grateful that the new woman had what he wanted more and that she “took” him away from me.
I hope your ex finds a new “sugar mama” and stops bugging you.
Hi Everyone…Just wanted to drop by. You guys are such an amazing support system. For some reason, this week has been tough/weird. It is not that I have been wanting him or wanting to see what he is doing. I guess I am just really “coming down” from it all. Reality, life, normalcy. No drama. No sitting on the edge of my seat. No heart racing when my phone goes off. No checking my email a 1000 times a day. For over 2 years, my life was in a constant state of flux. Not knowing what was going to happen next. When the next discard was going to be. How was I going to handle it. Etc, etc, etc.
Last night, I met some friends/colleagues out for dinner. It was so nice. Pleasant. We talked and ate and laughed. And not once did I feel like I need to look at my phone. Not once did I need to excuse myself to take his call. Not once did I think that I needed to be on my way home so I don’t miss something from him. During the dinner conversation, the topic of men came up. I was the only single one there. All the friends know that I have been divorced so some time. A question was asked…”Did you marry the love of your life?” All of us laughed and we all said, “No.” Then the question…”Who was the love of your life?” Some of the ladies answered. I did not. I actually teared up. It hit me like a ton of bricks that for awhile, I thought he was the love of my life!! That I fell in love with a man like him. Of course, I didn’t realize what he was until after I had fallen hard. But the reality that I fell in love with him and actually thought at one time he was the love of my life!! WTH!
So I guess that is why it has been a tough/weird week. Reality setting in. Beginning to move forward. My mind coming back to life. Refocusing. Recharging.
I thank you all for allowing me to post here. I thank every one who reads my posts. I hope that maybe it can help as much as all of your posts have helped me!
I can relate. I have cycled through grieving, and then my mind kind of ‘resets’ itself in a new mode – it’s not easy but it’s positive, and like you I sense it’s part of moving forward.
freedom15
i can relate to you and what you are saying so very very well
after the years of the constant chasing and lying and checking to verify if he is telling the truth, finding out things that distraught me, worrying about these things daily, losing sleep over it all…it has all come to an end…it was a part of my daily life and now there is no more of it. a huge part of what i thought was a relationship or the love of my life, has now gone. and it is hard getting back to a normal life to fill in these hours that i spent on him. i just can’t believe how much time i actually spent doing what i did and i am still flip flopping about him, although i know this is for the best.
i had him blocked so he couldn’t contact me and the other day, out of boredom, i went to check to see if he had contacted me during the time i blocked him…there was not a word from him…i have to admit for a brief moment that hurt me. i blocked him at a time he was apologizing and telling me he had done wrong and wanted to try to fix everything..i had to block him for my sanity at this point because i didn’t know what the hell to think..so i did. i went back to NC. we were supposed to continue corresponding but i cut him off by blocking him and now i see there had been nothing from him anyway…he was begging me to see him and making the plans and telling me he had to leave his wife and then like he had been swallowed up, there was nothing from him since…i can only imagine if i hadn’t blocked him and had fallen for those words of his, i would still be waiting to hear back…basically he needed his supply. but this is the third time he has done this to me by contacting me, begging me to see him and calling ME his wife and not her, and then poof he is gone…
i am glad i blocked him because it proves i can but he hadn’t even tried to contact me anyway…
my point is, i feel like you, kind of lost, looking to fill in those gaps of my day..some days i am really doing well and then some are like starting all over again!!
and yes reading everyones post, even though i don’t respond to each one, has been like a best friend saving my life 🙂
Jane: Our stories are so similar. What you just wrote..I could have written. And I probably have!
Filling in those gaps is tough. It is like..Oh My, I have all this free time. What do I do??
This site as saved me. It has helped me realize that I am not alone. That my feelings are valid. That I am not crazy to think all I have thought.
And I do not have to tell you this but he isn’t going to leave his wife. The only reason mine left was because his wife divorced him. And all mine ever wanted and said to me before every discard was…”I want my life back. I miss that life. She is what I want.” But I learned that he only wants what he wants at the moment. I meant nothing to him. It hurt like hell. But I realize what he is.
Congrats on the NC! We can do it. One day at a time!
freedom
yes i agree..he will not leave his wife UNLESS she smartens up and sees what he really is…he has to look good so he wouldn’t leave her…never. but i do know he doesn’t love her, whether he tells me otherwise.
yours sounds exactly like mine..he lives for the moment..if something looks good right then and there, he would jump on it. thats why i have told him “you made a huge mistake marrying someone thirty years younger that you barely know. it was impulsive decision”
well now he has to live with it, he has to learn not to be so impulsive and grow up!
and the love bombing is so ridiculous when they do that…its like they do not know how idiotic they sound and look, nor do they care! ugh that turns me off, its like he is trying to pick me up all over again in that cheesy way he did from the beginning, which i fell for too so it isn’t completely his fault!
now we know though don’t we?!
None of us are “crazy”, my ex loved portraying me as a crazy wife. To his family, co workers, bosses and I am sure to his affair partners. Calling us crazy deflects their guilt and to shift the blame onto us. “She is so crazy, of course I did not cheat, it’s in her head, you cannot believe her for a second “. It’s a wicked evil game they are playing. And while I was a participant I did not even see it or realize it. Only when I removed myself by going no contact, did I see the truth. I now know that if I let this evil guy into my life again these wicked games would continue. When people tell me “oh you could be friends with him”. I just smile and walk away. We cannot be friends. He is my biggest enemy in this world. I don’t hate him. The opposite of love is indifference. And that’s what I feel for him. Absolutely nothing. I wasted 20 years of my life to see the good in him. There was nothing good about him or in him. To this day I see him as lucifer. I see him as satans helper. I see him as trying to destroy me to nothing. He does not exist anymore. Feeling that I can go on with my life. Will I ever able to trust a man again ? I am not sure. Just the thought of being in a relationship scares me. But for the moment it’s ok. Who knows what the future will bring. Today I am good and that’s all that matters.
kaya
this is where i have always been confused because if i compare my ex to pretty much everyone else’s on here, mine never put me down or berated me or called me crazy..to me, how you were treated, seems the way a sociopath really is. not that its acceptable in any way, it just seems that to be put in the “sociopath” level you have to be unkind, cruel and very very mean…
i have suddenly realized from further readings, my ex is an altruistic narcissist…he would never insult me, call me crazy or physically harm he was the exact opposite, which made it very confusing for me..how could a sweet, upstanding individual, be a S or N?
well now i know, there is a whole world of different levels of these idiots or lucifer, as you say.
the fact that they do harm to anyone, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, anything at all that causes a person to question them, is a bad seed no matter what they are called!!!
like you say you wasted 20 years, you can also say you spent 20 beautiful years raising a son and learning about dangerous creeps that are NO GOOD…even to his younger women, because when they are mentally mature enough, they will see what he is capable of doing to a person..you will be able to trust a MAN yes, because it wasn’t a man you were married to, it was an inhuman creep 🙂