UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
JaneDoe-
Sociopaths don’t behave the same way to everyone. Something that is very unique about them is their uncanny ability to blend like a chameleon into whatever society they plunk themselves down in.
They read our brain chemistry and figure out what our boundaries and hot buttons are. They’ll use them as they see fit.
If you ever want to see a sociopath squirm, put them into a social situation in which the disparate portions of their lives converge and people who know them as one personality are in the same space as people who know them otherwise.
When my son was born, my ex helped drive me upstate where I wanted to spend the first few weeks of my little guy’s life. He brought a friend along for the trip back with his car because mine was remaining with me.
Unexpectedly, a friend from upstate arrived who knew him far differently than the other buddy he’d brought with him. It was comical to see him pick an argument with the local guy so he’d leave. It was a truly masterful way to bring order back to his life.
Whatever behavior your ex exhibited toward you was based on what he thought he needed to do to manipulate you.
So true. My ex P did ‘nice’ things when it suited his purpose, and nasty things if that was what would work for him. His evil was subtle totally white washed with outwardly ‘nice’ manners and actions, because that worked well for him.
It is my understanding that the emotional and psychological harm is worse when it is inflicted subtly and hypocritically. It is my understanding that the victim recovers quicker and easier if her abuser openly hits her than those victims whose abusers sugar coat their abuse. For me, the cognitive dissonance and the lack of understanding from others made it harder to get out and get over it.
Abusers who act ‘nice’ are more skilled in harming others and getting away with it. They deliberately harm others to get what they want, they do not care about others’ well being, and they lie, break promises and commitments, and generally do not do what normal people do in interactions and relationships to act in ways that take into account the well being of one’s self and the other person.
Yes,
A complete mind f***
:/
Very well said. This has been my experience also. In a larger social context it makes sense that they maintain their persona, their act. Most of the ones I know are deeply vested in managing the impressions of others and so go to excessive lengths to feign kindness and devotion. Their poison must be sweet for others to lap it up. They know the game well. The larger than life, more overtly charming types are more demonstrative physically hugging, kissing ,crossing and annihilating boundaries that mere mortals must abide by. The uber achiever more cerebral and aloof subtypes that I have dealt with play it closer to the vest in larger social settings, but they all “love you”. They are all “concerned about you”. Their use of paramoralisms is a given. They automatically stake out the moral high ground and so want to help you. You are so lost. If only you would drop those walls and allow this amazing opportunity your life can be full of love and joy. Why do you hold on to things ? You are sooo negative. Of course their vile course of deception, fraud, covert double life, and the destruction that their actions bring about must be diluted, evaded, minimized. You know the drill. Those pesky consequences have to go somewhere so they just project em on to you. These people are too special for consequences. They are too busy enlightening people spiritually. My situation had some tag team spathing going on. And they were all sooo concerned and tried sooo hard to help me. My situation had some kind of perfect storm elements to it that really did a number on me. I too struggled with the cognitive dissonance because they stayed in character, would not blink, and backed up one another’s lies. My main spath was in her words “crazy about you” (me) & “don’t give a crap” about all the other men she put between us by her lying, brazen conduct, triangulation, and all her other spathy machinations. They are all still feigning exemplary. Like you said, the subtly and skill are highly effective. Even after you are onto them they have very subtly stolen your social position and taken it for themselves. Peace to you.
annette
this is so very true…
their sneakiness to get into someones head is incredible…
odd though when mine hoovers he tries to love bomb like crazy with hundreds of messages in a short few hours then suddenly he will flip and he is telling me how noble he is marrying someone and sticking by her is the right moral thing and interaction with me is wrong and can’t promise the things he just told me he wanted with me…
all during this time i am telling him we can’t have the things he is telling me because he is married…then he will suddenly agree until the next hoover, which he will blame me for his long disappearance or lack of contact because i am the one who said ‘due to him being married we can’t have anything between us’…then it starts all over…
they sure do know what they do
They are just so abnormal!
And why I can’t respond to him, it’s a trap into insanity.
Everything they say is nothing but word salad, makes no sense when you consider it logically. If you examine what they do, without regard to what they say, that gives a clear picture of what’s really going on with them. Consider their relationships, their careers, their successes and failures, etc.
Anette,
Very true. All the talk doesn’t match the actions.
Definitely not.
PS My ex was always doing things like picking arguments and other manipulative techniques to keep people apart whom he didn’t want to talk to one another, usually because he told different lies to different people.
Yep,
And afterwards I realized that was why my ex kept me from talking to his sister and cousin. I realized all the sneaky little tactics he pulled on me.
yes i see where this can make sense
once i really got to know mine i had found really strange sexual favours that he’d ask of me…we lived in two different countries so i knew i was unable to be with him for his weird requests but he would ask me to go out and do whatever it was he was asking, take pictures and send to him…
i never complied to one of his strange requests but because he was so attentive otherwise i would send a pic or two that i had found pertaining to what he wanted, of course saying i had taken the pic. he believed it and thats all i needed…
well recently when he decided to plop the news he was leaving me for this new girl, i told him that the pictures i had sent were never real and that his requests were odd and that i wouldn’t ever think of doing that to him because i loved him too much…on his recent contact with me, he asked me if i really meant what i said about the pics not being true.. he actually brought this to my attention while he resurfaced telling me all the things he was going to do to be together and said “oh yeh and were you telling the truth about the pictures”
that was the last i had heard from him, so i think he found a way to see i had gotten them from the internet and edited them and copied it to him….so much for that love he was expressing and promises he made about being together and all the lies about his wife he was saying…i guess once he saw my pic was not real he dumped me for good..dump in the way of not rehoovering or needing me for supply
of course this is speculation on my part. but because he is such a manipulator and played with my head making me believe he “loved” me, i actually had a feeling of guilt for sending him the fake pics and thought it is/was my fault he has not contacted me back.i should feel guilty because of stupid pics? and he shouldn’t feel guilty of playing mind f**k games with me and cheating and lying and deceit? i wonder if he thought about it that way
and you know if he contacted me again and i were ever to ask him if thats the reason he suddenly stopped the contact after all those promises he would lie and be the “good guy” and tell me it absolutely had nothing to do with that, and contact stopped because he didn’t want to hurt me any longer…he knows exactly what to say to make himself the hero and i know exactly what he means, because i know what he is..
sorry
above comment was agreeing with JM_short and the comment she had given about them becoming whatever they can to comply to the person being manipulated
Jane D.,
Your experience makes a case for dating locally. Long distance relationships can work out if the parties make the necessary changes in their lives to live in the same place; but long distance offers a spath a huge opportunity to exploit victims. The internet and cheap and easy communication makes it so easy.
Annette
i have learned that long distance is definitely a way to lie and cheat without being caught as easy. i am glad though i had the smarts to figure him out due to my skepticism..he was just so apparent half the time and didn’t make sense and was always getting caught. i now understand why he tells me i am much smarter than his wife and i have figured out things she would never be able to…imagine admitting that!
i don’t think i would have gone along with LD relationship but the promises were nonstop with him. he was moving here and we would get a house etc…i do have to credit him for the visits he made to see me, that was never an issue, if only it were a real truthful relationship..he made many visits here for lengths at a time and was very attentive when here…thats where i come back to the altruistic narcissist.
although i do not feel good about lying and sending those fake pictures to him, it almost makes me feel like i was lowering myself to his level…amazing what we would sometimes do when we think its really love..
Annette-
Spot on!
In my work with rape by fraud survivors, I’d estimate that 2/3 were long distance romances. Many claimed to be single and living in town or nearby, but very shortly thereafter, they were “transferred” to another location for business reasons.
Often they were simply in town on business. When the project ended, they went home to their wives but still tried to maintain contact.
Jm
Thanks for clarifying this. You are right. My ex learned exactly what buttons to push with me to get a reaction. Like calling me mentally insane. He knew how upsetting this was for me and that is what he used 24/7. Sometimes I wished he would have just hit me but no he abused me emotionally to the lowest level possible. At the end he had me handcuffed and sent in for the mental evaluation. This was his ultimate goal , he worked so hard for that. He was speechless when I was diagnosed as a sane woman with some emotiobal distress did to my husbands affairs with coworkers. He honestly believed a psychatrist would confirm his diagnosis. Unbelievable.
How great my freedom feels now. Not to worry that my own husband wants me committed or locked away. Because he is not my husband anymore, he is nothing to me now. The no cobtact protects me from something like this ever happening again. My lawyer said “take it as a warning sign what he is capable of. ” very true.
Nmw,
Agree with Anette, a peace of mind is always nice!
I was with my ex for 3 more months after I got tested, and now after realizing what he was I want to get tested again, because who knows if or who or what he was possibly doing behind my back.
thistooshallpass…….so very happy for you!
neveragain,
Thank you so much for posting this! 🙂 Another mind demon checked off my list! I’m happy I finally made the move to get checked. The support all of you have given me today has made my day!!
Thistoo
big congrats to you 🙂 you now have that big worry out of your mind and nothing left to do but go forward !!!
as far as getting tested for anyone who has that doubt…i was the same and i just said DO IT…it was a huge relief to know i was ok versus never knowing
especially being with someone who refused to wear a condom…i don’t know the point of that ignorance in todays world, but i am not like that and he is very promiscuous, so i put my fears aside and did it..
he always felt getting an STD was overrated and scaring people for something that would most probably never happen to him…what a powerless idiot…i don’t even think if i had anything i would tell him because somehow he would blame me for getting it on my own..he would have no remorse at all
in fact, due to the lack of condoms he used, i got pregnant right around the time he discarded me late last summer, and i miscarried..i didn’t want to disturb him and tell him because he was getting married..how considerate of me..ugh many months later after NC he contacted me and i told him about it, he didn’t care, he showed no sympathy and blamed me for using that as a way to make him feel guilty so that he would stay in touch with me…and it was he who was hoovering me at that time
nobody wishes anyone to have an STD, but you certainly want to know that you didn’t catch it from an inhuman piece of sh**…everyone should get themselves tested
janedoe,
Of course you were considerate and didn’t tell him beacuse he was getting married and then he blamed YOU for trying to make him feel guilty! Ugh. The hole these men put us in. I am sorry for your loss. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I almost said “I’m sorry you had to go through that without him” but let’s face it, he most likely would have made it harder on you or he would have been fake, which would’ve hurt you more in the long run. You are a true survivor.
JUST DO IT. I agree, although we need to do it on our own time. I thank Remember for helping me make the move (even though you didn’t realize your intentions, Remember!). It was because of her and this site I finally said, “Just do it!” And so I did. I am so relieved…
“you certainly want to know that you didn’t catch it from an inhuman piece of sh**”” That’s exactly how I feel. WE were tricked. We were victims of lies. It’s a painful place to be in. The day I got tested brought up soo many emotions. It was a horrible feeling. I’m just so happy I’m okay.
Thank you for your support and your congrats! 🙂
Thistoo
you are correct when saying we have to do it at our own time, like anything, we cannot be pushed and finally something clicks in our brains and we know its time.
getting tested was something i never had to think about because i had always been careful and i thought to myself ‘this is just another thing he is getting his way for, giving me an STD!’ everything revolves around them, even our health and wellbeing!!! that just angers me!!! while they walk around thinking they are too good for anything to happen, we are waiting for serious results and its just another thing to add to our list of the crap they do ..
thank you for your kind words 🙂
life is good knowing this is something they couldn’t take away from us, isn’t it?! i hope everyone takes that step and gets the testing they need when they feel strong enough to do so
janedoe,
I’ve found over time that out of all the steps I want to take toward healing and all the things I know I need to do, I absolutely have to do on my own time! I made the mistake in the beginning with spath #1 listening to other people and not take my time. Once I changed my phone number, email and got extra security all in one day and all after a long day at work! It was exhausting and the change was too much, too fast. It put me in a hole for weeks. I’ve found strength and empowerment by listening to myself and taking care of things when I’m ready.
Like you, I am so angry that we trusted them! At the same time I believe as long as we all take steps forward to better our health, physically and mentally, we will find the balance that suits us. A balance that we control (so far from the chaos they create!). In time, I pray that means we will find the peace we deserve.
Thistoo,
I like that, another “mind demon”. Yes, everybody get checked!
Waiting on results is the worst part, any doctors results. Lol
I was remembering how years ago I used the ACSN American cancer support Network for a while, or off and on for years. It’s cool that nowadays we have such online support groups to help people. I can imagine people feeling so alone and isolated before information and support was so readily available.
I hope and pray that everyone of us be blessed and healed and break free if they need to, and feel the freedom and peace that comes along with it.
I can appreciate the little things again. I had to go through the chaos to appreciate the peace.
Life can be crazy enough, but love shouldn’t be.
🙂
Remember,
You’re so right! Love shouldn’t be crazy. Donna’s story is proof. Looking back on the unhealthy relationships I’ve had, this is something I keep in mind for my future. When and if I’m ever ready again! For now I am working on loving myself. For the first time in my life I’m recognizing what loving myself looks like and should be. Right now I’m just happy making decisions for myself and living life to my terms. I have already noticed the positivity and goodness that has come to surround me…with friends, even new ones (it’s been a while!), with family and at work. Not to say I’m not sad that I’ve lost so much and other people because of my spaths, but now I recognize the good people and things that surround me.
It is such a blessing we have to get the support we need online. It is because of you, Remember, and others on here that I’ve found the strength to continue to take steps forward and focus on the positives that surround me, despite the madness. I am forever grateful!
thistoo
amazing when we start to see things normally again how little things in life are a pleasure”I’m looking forward to summer and bbqing and getting my flowers planted and repainting my kitchen”those little things excite me now. six months ago”forget it. nothing appealed to me i was too absorbed in trying to figure out what was what and why he did what he did”i can’t get answers, i still try to solve it all but its short lived now, and yeh i still have days that i feel down but i don’t dwell like i used to and i feel so grateful that its dissipating slowly and that i can picture him with his new wife and not be envious anymore, because she will soon discover the horrible person he is”
his game i have discovered is to pick someone very young and naive who doesn’t have much life experience, so they can’t figure out quick enough what he is all about”and that wasn’t me fortunately!
janedoe,
I hear you!! Last summer was a nightmare for me. Leaving town because of death threats, etc. It’s so hard for me to believe almost a year has gone by. I’m too looking forward to doing things this summer. I’m going to fix up my house, bbq, plant herbs and attept to plant flowers (I somehow manage to kill all outdoor flowers!). I was in hell last summer dealing with #1 and #2 came along….I cannot wait to do the things I love by myself and in my own time! I’ll have the summer off because I’m a teacher. I was dreading spring break this year because I thought I’d be like how I was last summer. It was nothing like I thought, instead I thrived! I was rested. I did things in my own time. This summer is all mine!!!
Like you, I feel down at times but am not dwelling as much. We are growing stronger and finding our authentic selves. You should see spath #1’s gf! She’s so young and beautiful…she makes me look like a troll! It shouldn’t matter but it bothers me. I’m attractive, at least other men seem to think so. Our exes pick younger because of the control. Eventually they won’t have that, especially if they’re just charming and no money. Hell, even if they do have money. Their time in the game will end.
I feel sorry for these young inexperienced girls. I hope they don’t get hurt too much in the long run, even if they are saving us!
This too
I hadn’t realized you had a double whammy in such a short time…jeez
Even though it will be a year this summer for me as well, I was afraid of a repeat performance of being down last summer. No, I’m not completely healed and some days are better but I am really trying to convince myself to try hard this summer and keep busy and stay happy! I’m trying so hard to psyche myself and stay positive…the past 9 months he has resurfaced majorly and I am not so sure what to expect as of yet…
I just want my enthusiasm to be authentic and not just a cover up of me trying to get over this…I don’t know if that makes sense…!!! I know what I mesn but it’s hard to put in words on here
And I understand about then going with the younger women because mine did the same, 30 years younger, and I am ten years younger. But she is very inexperienced in life and just starting at 30 years old. He has told me he has regretted this decision, but I don’t know I believe that crap. Do not be jealous if her, like you said many men find you attractive and we know that finding someone physically attractive is short lived, because they jump on the physical aspect but don’t know what that attractive person has to offer from inside, I believe it’s a mistake that many make. You have a whole summer to relax and get valued advice to pick you up when you fall, right on here at LF😄
You seem to have picked yourself up quite well having two back to back idiots invade you!
Janedoe,
I haven’t been getting notifications either! Wonder what that’s about?
How I discovered spath #2”.we got along great for the first 5 months or so, although he invaded my space, bought me fancy gifts and things I didn’t want (things for my house he could control, like electronics), and took me on trips I didn’t want to particularly go on. Every time I questioned our relationship in any way he would plan a trip! We started fighting a lot. Not even really fighting”he would suddenly snap at the slightest thing and then started telling me events and things he said never happened. I started a running log”Anyway, in Jan he decided we needed some space because he didn’t like the way he reacted to me when I pushed him, huh? But while taking space he offered to see me everyday. Looking back, he was willing to see me but wanted to silence me.
During our “break” I started reading books I got on abuse and sociopaths to better understand my stalking from #1. While reading, I had many AHA moments. He fit almost everything I read. He was just so subtle compared to #1 who was covert. He would cut me down in caring tones, was making me feel like it was all in my head, was making me seem crazy to friends/family, withholding sex, was trying to make me buy a house with him when I wasn’t ready, and was isolating me from people. The list goes on and on”.you know how it goes!
He used #1 when I would have reactions to the things he would say/do and would say it was because of what I went through. He would actually say the same things word for word that #1 would say. No wonder I was sensitive! His words would trigger trauma in me instantly. He was able to tell me who to talk to when I changed my phone number for safety”he would convince me I didn’t need to talk to certain people because of blah blah blah. He said he didn’t have sex with me because, “Don’t you see how unhappy you are?”
He overall messed with my mind even more than #1. He was so good at it! My counselor and I recognized the red flags from his lovebombing at the beginning and knew to keep an eye out but I started to withhold the rest I was going through with him as time went along. I didn’t realize/want to believe what was happening. My counselor has led me to see things I wouldn’t have even recognized.
He was so similar to #1 but so different! If not for #1 and reading I’m sure I would’ve proceeded for a long time before realizing the signs. He was very controlling. He would tell me how I feel, what I liked and convinced me that I hated things I loved. I remember in the beginning he would tell me things like “You didn’t trust your gut with your ex but I doubt you feel that with me now” or “You know I’m safe because I’m consistent”. Ha! I didn’t know my gut from my ass during the first stages of recovery and he turned out to be the farthest from consistent I’ve ever seen! He would repeat his words over and over to me. He brainwashed the hell out of me. He was a predator. And the long stares he gave me—so creepy! He would stare me down for the longest times. I can’t get those moments out of my head. I’ve also discovered some really creepy things since our break up”
Sorry”that was long”..I’m so frustrated I fell into this again but I’m happy I recognized things before I was to buy a house with him a month later. I would’ve been trapped.
I’m sorry yours has put you through the love bombing/hoover stages. It’s all for control and their ego. You are able to recognize his intentions but I’m not so sure every woman does. We are fighters and survivors!
When was the last time you broke NC? I still have a hard time at moments. Even though I KNOW. I’m just so mad he preyed on me!!! And I’m still dealing with #1. It’s so frustrating. I’m feeling strong in the past week, so that’s comforting! One day at a time”.
janedoe,
Double whammy, indeed! That’s why I often mention both. I’m healing from both at the same time. I dated spath #2 for a few months before #1 and when #1 and I broke up, guess who came lurking? I didn’t realize #2 was a spath at the time. I was in a good place and had boundaries the first time we dated and called him out on things. He didn’t like that (hence the break up). When he pursued me again I told him we needed to be friends. He didn’t respect my boundaries and I was so exhausted from #1’s stalking that I finally caved and gave up on any boundaries I had tried to create. He love bombed me, I fell in love, we all know how the rest of it goes…. In a way I thank #1 because if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have recognized #2, for years maybe. He’s a skilled one! I know I didn’t have years of a relationship with a spath, like so many of you, but 2 years of 2 spaths back to back was hell on earth and damaged me tremendously.
Thank you for supporting me and giving me confidence in the fact that I have lifted myself up. I feel like I’m still struggling so much! I try and notice the things I AM doing…eating, working out, being happy with work, developing new relationships, fixing old ones. The stalking is improving so that’s helped. I’m hopeful for a relaxing and happy summer that’s centered around ME!
I want everything I do and feel to be enthusiastic at this point, so I here ya! You said your ex has resurfaced the past 9 months and you don’t know what to expect. What is he doing? I’m sure you’ve said it but I can’t remember, how long have you been broken up?
TT
My notifications have somehow not been going to my messages lately. I wondered why it was so quiet on the board the last couple days so I am sorry if I haven’t responded to anything.
I’d have to say having two back to back is worse than one or just the same. Good for you getting back to yourself. Good days hopefully will outnumber bad days now that summer s here. So as you called out number twos faults what was he doing that you recognized? I find the love bombing can be a big giveaway, wish I knew then what I know now..and how do they have the audacity to come around and do the same crap again, when they’ve already been blamed by us?
My ex pops up from time to time and disappears and leaves me hanging, saying huh? We were smack ins the middle of a relationship, so I thought for three years, and had been planning a wedding with a very young girl and dumped me shortly after our last week long visit together. I went nc for four months and he wanted to come bac and pick up where we left off, claiming he’d madr a mistake..but the love bombing was unbelievable and partially a gave away his intentions, I knew this time because now I knew what he was about after he hurt me so badly..anyway he ended up taking all his promises back the very next day and decided he loved his wife and me but couldn’t hurt her…I did no again and two months after he did it again, but blaming me this time for the silence…did the love bombing again and wanted to leave her again, and wanted to come and be together…took it back again the very next day saying he loved het and me and could not do this…again he approached in March with same crap and never heard again after the love bombing…its s game that he is playing and can only imagine what and when his wife will ever find out..
You want to believe them but hey, “come on you fool, after three times and you do the same approach you think I believe you?”
I think they really think we are very dumb ppl!
janedoe,
One more thing. AFTER #2 and I broke up he would tell me all the ways he would stalk me if he were #1. How messed up is that??? Luckily he’s laid low. I think he was just messing with my mind. PROOF.
TT
Yuck and very creepy. He was going to do what the other one did? Wow they are very unaware of how stupid and unsafe they sound when Saying the things like that. As if he does not know you have already taken necessary precautions with the other spath..is he just special does he think?
You say he is laying low? At times when i thought I’d managed to get my thinking under control because mine was not in the picture…he suddenly popped up. Bringing up my circle of thinking again. I eventually did block him from contact. When you don’t think they are thinking about us is when to be more cautious. I’m sure you know this with all you’ve read and learned.
Btw I am still not getting notifications so pls if it takes a while to respond know this is the reason 🙂
janedoe,
He’s so gross. The ways he pointed out how he would stalk me are ways that I wouldn’t be able to know. For example, if he were #1 he would drive around my house in a different car (I have cameras) and how if I moved all he would have to do is go to my parents house and follow me home. Things like that. Yuck. I already had to call the police on a strange car that drove by nearly 20 times and would park outside of my house taking pictures for 3 hours. The police said it was a server. It still seems odd to me. This was a week or two after he said what he said. Hmmm
It is like they sense when we are getting stronger. I’m feeling so much better this past week so I wouldn’t be surprised if he came around. I’m weeding out email stuff before I completely cut off. He can email me but it goes to trash. Which of course I check on occassion. I think the only thing saving me at this point is that he wants to prove he’s not #1 and wants to prove he doesn’t care. Or he thinks I’ll contact him because I have in the past. Who knows….
Is yours completely blocked now? Email even? I’m not on social networking, got a new number AGAIN, now it’s just the damn email. When I’m ready….
I was so glad to hear about THISTOOSHALLPASS’s clear medical report. It amazes me more every day how much we all risked to help someone….or just have a normal relationship. That is not too much to ask. Yet we are hurt and left dangling in the wind. And the person we thought would care the most cares the least! My therapist told me that it is my good qualities that were abused….nonetheless they are STILL good qualities to own. I feel now that if my good qualities could be used against me…then perhaps they aren’t the best qualities for me to claim. I feel like I need to reinvent myself to become tougher and less soft. Has anyone else felt this way during healing?
51,
I feel like I am too nice and open with people. Looking back I see how I have been this way for a long time. Too open, too sharing with my life.
Not any more! I’m still nice of course, but guarded.
I also feel like I don’t owe anyone any explanations about myself anymore, and I don’t care if people don’t like me. I used to care about those things way too much!
🙂
Thank you, Neveragain! For celebrating my wellness with me and for this post. I so relate!
My counselor told me just this week that it is my good qualities that attract these men. Not that I have a victim stamp on my head. They seek out the good to destroy. I believe they are good qualities to own, however during my healing I have felt just like you! Still do in fact. You are not alone.
I’ve felt the need to become tougher and more withdrawn, to protect myself. The truth is, we are who we are and denying our goodness may come at a cost. If we deny our authentic selves what might we attract then?
Remember, I like how you put it. You’re “still nice of course, but guarded.” I think that’s a good approach. I’m not great at holding who I am back and I’m coming to accept that may not change, but I can be aware and have people earn my trust over time. I won’t trust too fast again.
This too shall pass
I so much agree with you. For the first time in 20 plus years I actually love myself. I don’t see all the flaws that my ex pointed out to me on a daily base. Like “wow look at that new wrinkle , wow, look how short your hair is, look at those few extra pounds .” It feels wonderful for me to have my hair cut the way I like it , to be myself. Like I said I was so busy trying to fit “his standard” that I totally lost myself. Now I can go to work relaxed , not worrying if I have enough time to make dinner for him. (Dinner he took to his minions house while he was suppose to be at work ). It’s an empowering feeling to know that I am totally ok, I am so much better without him. I now know that he never loved me. I was a convenience and he was an inappropriate spouse. That’s not a marriage. I am not a victim anylonger. He underestimated me. I fought him through the legal system. And I still feel like a winner. Every day I wake up I thank God that he took my ex away.
“God is the only one who can make a valley of trouble a door of hope “.
Kaya,
I’m finally coming to accept I was just a convenience. That’s been a tough one for me to embrace! My spaths on the other hand, totally inconvenient!
Two spaths in such a short amount of time put a huge toll on my self esteem. They thought I was the most beautiful woman ever. I was attractive, strong and kind in their eyes at first. And then I was flawed and they seemed to be embarrassed of me. Built me up to brake me down. To take from me all that I am.
Until just a few of weeks ago I’ve been examine my physical features to the max…my flaws, my face, my makeup, my hair, my weight. They pointed out so many negative things about my physical appearance. I’ve never been particularly insecure in that department. Men find me attractive, I dress nice and am thin (probably too thin now). I got to the point I didn’t even want to look in the mirror. Now I’m realizing I’m still me. I have flaws, and some flaws they pointed out don’t even exist. I’m looking in the mirror again now. I have a ton of post it notes on my mirror that remind me of how much I love myself for the way I am. I’m standing taller, walking with more pride, believing in myself, despite the fact I feel like I’ve aged several years, both emotionally and physically, in just the past 2 years.
I am accepting of my personality. I am strong! I am kind! I am beautiful inside and out! They don’t get to take that away from me, no matter how much they tried.
We are the winners of our lives. We are precious. We are so much better without them. We have love. I’m so grateful and happy God took our exes away.
thistoo
as you said we can not be pushed to do something when we aren’t ready, its just not possible and it won’t be done properly if our hearts aren’t into it yet. when speaking with friends about this whole thing they would just say “i told you so” or “k just forget about him he waas a jerk” that advice didn’t help and i couldn’t just forget about him”they don’t know what everyone here knows..the NC, the disconnecting him from everything, that you don’t just get over this like a normal relationship, which is hard enough to get over! we have to take baby steps, or i had to take them after grieving and getting angry and finally disgusted enough, then i was ready to go cold turkey and forget everything about him..i have many relapses, which means i guess i am not 100% ready, but i stick to NC and will not look at any pics of him or us”but i get closer and closer to “really” letting go, and thats up to each individuals timing”we know whats good for us and when to do it and get the peace we deserve as you say 🙂