UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jd,This,
I feel the same way. It’s just not a normal break-up. Usually I get to be friendly at some point later on down the road. I am always too forgiving. It’s hard to accept for me that this is someone I can’t be nice to ever. Someone I gave myself to. Blech.
Someone who doesn’t deserve friendliness, and someone I have to remember to forget.
Remember and Janedoe,
Ugh! The fact we’re even in this place!!! Examing how we were in the past, with ourselves and past relationships, and how to let go now…it’s a lot to take in. It’s too much for me sometimes. I’m embracing change, I know it’s for the best. But dammit! I was fine with how I viewed people, relationships and life! No longer.
I broke NC on Monday after getting tested. I called him from a google voice number I had before and left a message and then texted saying don’t call me back. He texted back a sentence which could be read in so many ways, of course. I didn’t respond back but am glad I sent the message saying not to call. That would’ve been too tempting. Basically, Jandoe, don’t beat yourself up too much over breaking NC. Like you said, we’re not completely there yet but are sure as hell on our way. And like Remember says, play the tape!!! We’re so close to “really” letting go!!!!
Remembertoforget
I too have to much forgiveness in me, I’ve always been this way so I find it hard when I try to hate him because the good times try to take over the horrible crap!!! I wish I could be mean sometimes lol!
Jd, Ttoo,
I just had to re write comment.
I think you guys are right. We are so close to really letting go. Tt, i’m glad he didn’t call back.
Jd, I feel exactly the same about my ex, his game is younger , naive girls with not much experience. I told him that in one of our last verbal fights….”it would take a 19 year old to have kids with you”. She was 12 years younger.
Not me, only one year, and other loves to compare him to.
Ugh…
I have all different email addresses now floating around. Trying to delete some permanantly.
This, I saw an old email from him and he made a gmail for us, me and my ***. A nickname! That’s not normal. I think he has waaay more than 6.
Remember,
Yes, we are so close! I can feel it.
I have different email addresses now to stay NC. It’s hard because I use one as proof of spath #1 if he choses trap himself. The others are my attempts to get rid of #1 but spath #2 knows 3 of the addresses. I’m also in the process of deleting permanently. I have 4 because of these men. One of which neither of them know. My goal is keeping that one and getting rid of the rest. Again, in time….Why do I need 4 email addresses because of them???
I guarantee your ex has more than 6! I look at the dozens of fb fake profiles #1 had and the “100’s” of email accounts #2 had (um hello, red flag much??)…considering they are so alike and they all have many ways of online communication…. 6, at least!!
BTW, #1 once emailed me from his sons address! Let alone creating one. Yuck. And then he created a new one under his sons name. Double yuck. They will go to sooo many lengths!
Remember, change your address!!!
Remember
Amazing they all go after the young naive girls in hopes to pull the wool over their eyes, I was way ahead of him this time and he told me so. He has even said she is not as smart as I ever was and she hasn’t a clue that he feels the way he says he does about me! Yuck is that supposed to turn me on that he thinks that way?I and what makes him think I would except that kind of person and go along with that? really don’t know their point going for younger when they know it’s not going to last. Either she may figure out what he is or he will tire of her rather quickly…don’t they ever get tired in their heads for gods sake? Just the fact that I wake up daily and there is nothing to fret over gives me peace. I cannot imagine how tired they must be…
Jane D,
He was doing what is called triangulating when he compared another woman to you. They constantly bring others into what are supposed to be monogamous relationships and they manipulate people to be at odds with one another; they manufacture competition. My ex was constantly bringing others into our (fake) ‘marriage’ – his mother, his daughters, ministers, etc.
Annette
Is it triangulating when we don’t know of one another, I wonder?
I know all about her but she doesn’t know I exist or she wouldn’t have married him if I’d been in the picture, and I was up until the day he left to be with her.
Triangulating is bringing anyone into a relationship and setting people up against one another. It could be a fictitious person. If you google the term you’ll probably find a better explanation and examples of the tactic.
Consider that whatever you know about her from the spath may or may not be true, unless you have corroborated the info from a trustworthy source. Whatever she knows about you from the spath could be any kind of lie.
My ex P lied to everyone about me, and to me about everyone. It took me a long time to realize how extensive the lies were, because some things he said randomly happened to be true, and I just did not understand how extensive his lying is. I wanted to make sense out it all, but it was impossible.
Here’s a random one crawling out of the woodwork. Today I had a tire that looked low, so I stopped to put air in it, and it had a screw sticking out of the side. I had to buy a new tire. As it turned out, it was in my best interest to buy a whole set of new tires, and I asked them to check on my spare, since I was pretty sure it was as old as the car (2003), and switch it out for the best of the old tires.
It turned out it was a brand new spare, from 2011. That was when my ex the damn sociopath, went to buy me a new set of tires for my 800 mile trip to the new state where we were closing escrow on our new dream home and starting a new life together, less than FOUR MONTHS before he pulled the rug out from under my entire life and left me for destroyed. He kept the receipt for the tires, telling me he was now taking over the maintenance on my car so I didn’t need to concern myself with it anymore. Yeah, that made me feel so special.
For the last four years, I have had in the back of my mind that I didn’t have a reliable spare tire. And today, I found out that in May, 2011, when he went to buy me a new set of tires he bought me a new spare, to send me safely off on my way.
I’m just floored. WTF? He bought me a set of tires AND a spare and abandoned me less than four months later?
Yeah. This s**t materializes at the oddest times. It makes no sense. Are they never fully gone? He didn’t give a rat’s ass about me, yet he bought me four tires AND a spare. I can’t even sit in a Firestone store in peace.
Blindside.
I’m still finding stuff around the house in nooks and crannies in the basement type places, that belongs to the ex psychopath. Last week I found a small abstract drawing he did under a bunch of boxes in the attic. As time goes by the effect is less, and I feel like every time I find something it’s one more thing I’m clearing out of my home/life/space.
With respect to the tires, it’s kind of creepy that you didn’t know he’d bought the new spare, and you’re driving around for years in your own car. At least you’ve closed this gap – one more thing you now know, that you’ve got covered.
Could your ex have planted a tracking device in your car? Could that have been why he took care of the maintenance? It may be significant that he didn’t let you see the receipt – it would be normal for a guy to take care of the maintenance and then give you the paperwork since it was your car. Without the receipt, for all you know he could have stolen the tires, or slept with someone to get them for free, or maybe there was a sale where he got a free spare anyway, or who knows what. Keeping back the receipt sounds like he was hiding something. Maybe he manipulated some woman into paying for the tires, letting her think it was his car? Anything’s possible, with a spath. It seems like your intuition is telling you it doesn’t make sense, so there probably is something beneath the surface, but you don’t know exactly what.
He may have been having a “superman” moment and thinking how amazing of a boyfriend he was for getting you some tires. Then, because he wasn’t feeling amazing enough, he got the spare just to pump his ego a bit more. Or there was a pretty sales girl at the tire shop that day.
Yes, i’ve changed it. He still sends to the one I haven’t deleted yet. I need to get a multicloud or something to merge my docs from 2 different google drives.
All crap because of them. But, yes, in our time.
He has 9 or 10 at least, that I count! Ewwwwww. Whatever.
Peace, freedom, self respect. Rinse, repeat.
Peace, freedom, self respect. Rinse, repeat. Ha! Love it!!
Is there such a thing as a multicloud or something that merges docs? I never thought of merging my accounts. That would make this process so much easier.
TT,
Well I need to get stuff from one drive onto the other drive (2 accounts). I googled how to do that and I read real quick, but it said MultCloud. You can drop both drives in there and then it tells you how to then merge them. Google it and you may be able to find out. I will go over it one day. I had to recover an account that I deleted because I forgot about the drive linked to it!
Lol. And they sit there with 60 accounts and 60 drivs
Cont…
and 60 drives, one for each victim.
You know what he said to me in the beginnig?
I never had a (insert my name here) before.
WTF!
JD,
I know! How is it NOT tiring for them? Keeping up with the lies and stories…
I think Anette said last night, it’s all word salad anyways, and it is! I went to a thread today somewhere reminding me about that. It got tiring after the breakup even just trying to make sense of it all. And really, does he think that’s a compliment and flattery to say you are way smarter? Sounds like their backhanded backwards compliments. They are such studs. Pffft.
Remember
Yes! It was so tiring and exhausting putting the pieces together. I would wake up thinking about it and sleep at night the same way, if I slept.
I remember once he told me not to look in a book he had because it contained all his passwords for his accounts! He used to try to convince me he was an important person in different things he did, oh god I laugh now at how silly he looked. “Don’t look in there, it’s very top secret” he’d say…. What an idiot
Jane Doe
I always knew that my ex was going to leave me for a much younger woman. He always rubbed my age into my face. He always labeled me “old, fat and boring”. His affairs was always much younger women and young female soldiers in his unit. What I find baffling is that he actually believes his own lies. During divorce proceedings my attorney once received an email from my ex’s attorney. In it, it stated “my client had no sexual relations outside the marriage, until the day your client filed for divorce. the relationship with **** was nothing more than of co workers.”
I had photos, proof of the affair and he claimed they were just co workers. Since when do co workers exchange nude photos?
So, I honestly think that they believe their own crappy lies. It probably is another trait of a narcissist/socio path.
Thinking about this just makes me realize how lucky I am that I am still alive. Him being a cop would have made it so easy for me just to disappear….of course they would have believed Cpt America…
We are all so lucky and blessed that our life has changed for the better. It is a tough road but so worth to travel.
I felt like a “hamster in a wheel” throughout my marriage…always running in a circle and not getting anywhere with him.
Kaya
That’s awful he degraded you that way, what a sh**head..if he told you he had spoken that way to an ex that would be a big red flag, hopefully he tells his gf how he treated you and it will be a warning sign for her…
It would make sense if a trait of an s or n is believing themselves, because that is all they do and I really do think they believe their lies,, or they rehearse them because they pop so quickly in their minds, they always have an answer
“Hamster on a wheel”….very appropriate…good one Kaya, that says it perfectly how I felt always, I was always spinning and miserable tryin to get answers to his ridiculous antics.
He is probably so angry at himself that he couldn’t bring you down as he intended, more so being a powerful cop, they have chips on their shoulders and believe everyone owes them, so I can see where they think they can destroy someone.. They must be so miserable always trying to hurt people. What a way to spend their lives
Annette
Thanks for explaining that because I’d thought I was an exception in the triangulation because I figured three ppl were involved and had to know about each other…he always brought her into the picture..what’s disgusting is that he spoke so poorly about her shortly after marrying her, so I don’t get his point about that because why did he marry her then! I suppose if he had to speak of me I’d be the old gf and he’d think of things to say about me…he surely wouldn’t tell her the truth about being with me up till the day he decided to get married..and even after, yuck
I can’t imagine how they function in life and try to have normalcy if they are so busy thinking of things to say and how to get themselves out of situations…what sorry souls, very sad
JD,
I believed my ex at first about his children’s mother. Why would I not? Funny how he said she was all lies, lies, lies. Ofcourse, call her what YOU are! He triangulated me with her and his stories, distracting me from yet another ex before her! “Hampster on a wheel”, me too.
hmph.
Peace, freedom, self respect. Rinse, repeat.
🙂
Remember
Yes of course we believe what they say at the beginning…you are right, why wouldn’t we?
Sometimes I wonder of they think to do the whole love bombing with us at the beginning,it is their way of making us believe that this person is incapable of being bad, such as when yours told you about his children’s mother. Knowing he controlled your mind making you believe he loved you and would so anything for you etc. you would believe anything that he tells you about how ppl in his past treated him poorly…and we fall for it.
I know now much more than three years ago and I have gotten so much helpful advice and read so much that hopefully I go with my gut. Funny thing is that everything I suspected my ex of doing because my gut just didnt feel right, turned out to be spot on
janedoe and Remember,
Yes! I think that’s exactly it….they are incapable of being bad if they love bomb us. Lesson learned! I chalk it up to our inner child.
It’s all about our GUT. We must trust in ourselves. Just because someone seems good doesn’t mean they are.
Jane Doe
So true…we are so addicted to crazy cycles we have created with the narcissist, we find any excuse to let them stay in our lives. Its like we are addicted to this momentary high. Once we let go and show him “indifference” is making him panic and making him feel very insecure. The no contact hurts him on all levels, because now he is removed from his “throne”. He is no longer “God” and when we stop worshipping him, he is reduced to basically nothing. His insecurities, which he covered up by manipulating us, will surface. Like my ex, he is using nasty remarks to provoke me. He think I will not able to resist responding. Like in his last note he accused me of being married to him because of his money. He is trying to push my buttons….it used to work but is useless now..I will not respond.
He also used his last resort. Pity. Usually this often gets us even we are feeling at our strongest. For us, showing him no compassion goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person.
But, I know now that he is fully aware of this and that is why pity is such a powerful weapon for him to use against me and in the past delivered the results he wants.
But since 2 years I am standing firm, because now he realizes that he cannot manipulate me anymore and hopefully he will give up soon and leave me alone.
NO TALKING TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS AND NO MATTER WHAT WE HEAR. NO LETTING THEM TALK TO YOU, NO LISTENING TO ANYTHING THEY SAY, NO HEARING THEM OUT. NO COMMUNICATION EXCEPT THROUGH ATTORNEYS. NOT THERAPISTS, ONLY ATTORNEYS.
I regret going to counselling with this psychopath. It was another way for him to put me down, blame me, devalue me, embarrass me.
No contact is the end. There is nothing left to try. Its over. Time to finally live my life. Walk away and never look back.
This is what I have done, and it saved my life.
Thanks for posting these wise words of wisdom.
I am sorry to say I broke NC this past week. I encountered the sociopath in public and responded to being given the finger and having crazy accusations shouted at me (completely unprovoked as I was ignoring the sociopaths existence at that point)by laughing and calling the sociopath a name before leaving.
It did not make me feel better and it has me worried that I might have provided enough of a reaction that I may need to worry about physical stalking now.
It also tells me that the sociopath is breaking down. Previously the sociopath would have never dropped the public persona like that and risked looking like the crazy one rather than me. I am guessing that the search for a new victim is unproductive.
It’s been almost six months since my ex left and I blocked numbers, got off all social media and stopped dealing with his family members. But where I’ve gone NC he has not! I believe he is pass his “love bombing” phase with his current love. He has tried to hack into my Facebook page on numerous occasions and phones me from unknown numbers. And no I don’t answer any number that I don’t know. But now there can be something that will trigger a memory and I tense up and start to cry. Went out with a girlfriend a week ago and our picture was put on Facebook. My friend told me today that he was in the store where she works last Saturday and he made sure that she saw him. And I told her that on Saturday and Sunday he called from unknown numbers. Yes, its him. He phones me at work the same way. And I know that he is meticulous in everything he does. His problem with me is that I don’t stay on the shelf where he places me. Now I’m tense and crying because I can’t understand what he wants from me. He left! Before this incident I saw him near my home and he made sure I saw him. I can’t afford to leave but I so want to get away. I feel so lost and know I think he will show up at my church. What does he want from me? I refuse to let him hurt me again, so what does he want from me? NC is not helping me. Help me!
jaiden814,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate so much! I’ve been through many of the same things with my spath #1. I pray for your sake it doesn’t get worse, but prepare yourself because it may.
Bottom line, he is stalking you. All he wants from you is control.
What helped me in the initial phases of stalking was to look at his patterns. Behavior patterns during the relationship and his stalking patterns. Document everything and you will start to notice his patterns. Patterns are essential because although you can’t predict his next move you are more prepared and ultimately safer.
Have you made a safety plan? Please do. This is nothing to take lightly. My ex hacked accounts, created ones, called from blocked numbers, used friends and even strangers to contact me. Yes, he is meticulous. Mine was too and still is, although the stalking is getting better…it’s been nearly a year since he started. He started in all the ways you describe in your situation.
Have you contacted the police? Thought about a restraining order? I didn’t feel safe filing one at first and still don’t have one because I sat on it too long (he’s become even more covert). It may be worth going to the police to at least start a paper trail, if they take you seriously. Not sure what stalking laws are like were you live.
You are upset and I don’t mean to come on too strong or scare you. I just know how serious this is and I’m worried about you.
Stay NC, no matter what! His behavior will no doubt make it easier for you. Have you stated to him in writing, “do not contact me again”? You need no explanation to him other than that but having it in writing can help you in the long run. So if you haven’t done so already and that’s the only NC you break, it may be worth it. I give you this advice, however you need to do what feels most comfortable/right to you right now…
Hang in there, we’re here for you!!!
jaiden814,
In my last post to you I was in super advice mode. This is a horrible situation. It feels horrible, gross and so confusing. Every time my ex does something I feel like I’m being raped…over and over again. He never raped me, but I have been in the past. It’s the same feeling, almost worse because you don’t know what’s coming next. It’s so traumatizing, every time he does something, especially because you know it’s intentional. And it’s scary. I know how hopeless you feel. I still want to run away, and I may…I keep waiting. Keep hanging in there. Surround yourself with people you love and trust. Your situation may continue but you will start to feel stronger. Change everything you need to in order to create distance.
Most importantly, trust your gut.
Xxxxx
TT
Jeez I’m sorry to hear you’ve been raped as well in the past. These are such traumatic experiences you have had and you really sound like you’re advancing forward. Your advice to jaiden is good, you speak from experience. It may help her to know you have dealt wjth the stalking and what perhaps is behind a stalkers intentions, although I know you weren’t physically raped by your stalker.
I know where I am living and don’t know if it applies everywhere but perhaps jaiden you could inquire wjth your cities patrol system. If we have issues with something that could be a threat we can contact out city patrol and they can swing around the neighborhood or your street and check things out for you making sure there hasn’t been attempted breakins in your area or you home or they can watch for strange cars that park around that are unfamiliar. Also maybe tell some
Of your neighbors to be on the lookout for anything odd, just as precautions.
I hope everyone’s advice works to your benefit. Be careful x
jandoe,
Thank you for your response. I had a very traumatic childhood, rape included. Although at this point I am no victim. I received nearly 2 decades of therapy and was in my happiest place when I briefly dated #2 before #1. I hold on to that place. It’d be easy for me to blame my trauma for bringing these to me, but quite honestly I don’t believe it’s all about my past and being a victim. In fact, I withheld my experiences for a while from them. They sense vulnerability and yes, I’m vulnerable to an extent. I am also strong and empathic. I think that drew them in more than anything. I will not accept that I’m a “victim”. Instead, I live and I learn.
jaiden,
We haven’t heard any response from you but please know how much we care. I neglected to say in my posts to you that what really saved me in the initial stages until now is that I sought help from my local womens shelter. Not sure how I managed to leave out the thing that has helped me most! I was worked up reading your post….all of the advice you’ve been given so far from others on here is sound. I’m praying for you. 🙂
Jaiden814, I am sorry that he is still emotionally & mentally harming you. I would suggest you change your phone number. If you call your phone carrier and tell them what is happening they may change your number free but if they charge you it’s worth the peace & freedom.
As for your accounts. Open a fake email & a fake facebook page then talk with your friends through those fake acct. Add no pictures on your fb pg.
In addition I would call your local abuse center for guidance on how to deal with a stalker by starting a paper trail with the police by filing a complaint against him.
You have to be two steps ahead of them. There are books on Dealing with stalkers as well as info on the net so do some search on the subject.
What ever you do, do NOT break no contact with him and call him/email him to stop…just IGNORE HIM!! He will realize you will not play his game and he will look else where for supply. It sounds like his current supply has kicked him to the curb or is about to.
HUGS to you!!!
You might consider going to a domestic violence shelter for help and advice, if there is a good one in your area. Going to the police may help. There are pros and cons of getting a restraining order. Counselors at the domestic violence shelter could help you decide what is the best thing to do. Being stalked is very stressful, so having someone to talk to who can help you stay safe and deal with the trauma of it, would be good.
Here is a threat assessment questionnaire you can work through that can help you make sense out of what he is doing, and assess how dangerous he may be. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Kaya
My ex feels he is the one doing the NC. He hasnt contacted me since the last Hoover and I know this because I checked my messages and there was nothing..he feels perhaps stupid for lovebombing me like crazy only knowing he would tell me the very next day, he takes it back. He had done this with the two previous hoovers to tell me the next day he can’t go through with his lovebombing promises. So this time if I’m correct, he feels he’s doin me a favor by not contacting me or apologizing for his Hoover. But it’s me who isn’t contacting him! Are we both doing NC? Who knows what this lunatic is capable of believing!!! Argh lol
Today has been 3 months. I cannot believe that it’s been this long. It seems as if it was just yesterday when I woke up hyperventilating and crying. The sociopath brushed paths 3 decades ago when we were stationed together and had a negative encounter. He remembered this, but I could not recall it until he reminded me. He played on my compassion. He stated that he lost his daughters to his ex wife. Liar, he wanted to take the daughters from her because she unmasked him. His intention was to take the daughter for control. She outsmarted him and now these are two beautiful women in college. unfortunately, I think one of his daughters have inherited his traits. He is married to a someone who has no idea what he’s up to. She lives in church, while he lives on porn sites and dating sites. He told me that he is not with his wife and that they live together, but they are not together. Stupid me for believing this. He posted pictures of himself in uniform and look amazingly good. However, when I met him he looked like death warmed him over a few times. I felt pity for him and told myself that he looked like this because everyone had treated him bad. Little did I know that sociopaths have addictions, (he smoked like a chimney). I hate smoking. He looks like he has not slept in years. He looks extremely unkempt and way older than me, although I am three years older. He does not sleep, because he is always on porn sites and looking for supply. The man I met did not look like the man in the picture. He look like crap, sorry for lack of better word. I felt extremely sorry for him. I threw all caution to the wind in hopes that he could see the world the way I saw the world, as a beautiful place in spite of all the tragic events. I was extremely happy until I met him. He love bombed me for 9 months. We had arguments, because I questioned things that I saw as wrong. Little did I know that while I was elevating him, he was devaluing me. I knew there was something wrong as he was extremely depressed, or pretending to be. He never had money, but was a retired chief in the Navy. I asked if I would loan him money for a car payment, otherwise they would take his car, (Liar!). I helped him several times, but I could afford it, so it was not a big deal to me. He was ugly, broke and not too smart. In fact, he reminded me of pure trash, but I just thought that he was poor. So I attributed what came out of his mouth as not being educated. I have several degrees, so I did not want him to feel less. Little did I know that this is who he is. A trashy person with intent to harm. I was always on edge, because he caused chaos where there wasn’t any. He yelled like a maniac. I tried to leave him at least 9 times, but he always lured me back. On day he finally discarded me. Just like that. I know is because I was unmasking him, because I kept confronting him. In addition, he stole money from me that I gave him to hold. Not much, so this is the value he placed on himself. Cheap trash… I could not prove it, but now I know that my instincts were right. When he discarded me, I went looking for answers and found sociopath traits. He has all of Hare’s sociopath/psychopath traits on his list. He also discarded me, because I believe that he had another supply, but it did not work out. He sent me a loving letter telling me how we will always be soul mates. I send him prior to knowing what he is stating that he is callous and will never find a better woman than me. He hovered and although it tore me inside, I did not give him the satisfaction of going back. I told him when someone betrays me, I never go back. Many nights I cried, many nights I woke up in a sweat. My blood pressure skyrocketed. I thought I would die. It was the worst pain I had ever experience. But the more I kept reading, the more I learned and the angrier I became. I lost so much weight and became extremely depressed. However, I knew that I had to lift myself up, because if I let myself down than he won. The more I read the more angry I became. He used me like they all do. I wanted to call him and confront him. However, the no contact was crucial to my healing. Besides, I knew that I was not going to get answers. Instead, I opened up a group called on Facebook and through this group, I have helped several victims of sociopaths. As I stated, the sociopath was not to smart and while discussing money issues one time, I asked him about his tax return check coming in soon. He stated that he does not file taxes, because it’s not worth it. Ha! I went on a search to find out who this person was. I found that he had a company that stated that made over $100,000 a year and that he worked and so did his spouse. I did the next best thing to revenge without breaking no contact. I turned him in to the IRS. You see, I could not wait for Karma, because sometimes Karma does not come when it should. I am in therapy (EMDR) and somewhat healing. It gets better and I am finding my smile and my happiness again. I hate him and always will. However, it does not consume my life. He knows that I have unmasked him, because my FB group is public and when I found out about him I posted how people come into your life disguised as loving beings, but are truly psychopaths and all the vile traits they abhor. I posted this on our 1 year anniversary. He knows this was for him. I followed up with letters to the IRS to make sure that he is prosecuted to the fullest extent. I blocked him on Social Media and he changed his name. I could not sleep last night, because I keep reading that they come back. This is my worry. I cared so deeply for this man, but now like him all I have is contempt for him. I rather die a thousand times over than to give him the satisfaction of breathing a word to him. In fact, I hope he gets run over by a train. He may have a wonderful time duping people in jail, since he owes hundreds of thousands of dollars. He is also loosing his house in Dec of 2016. You see ladies, bad brings bad. Even though this happened to me, I will always have compassion and empathy. However, I will disburse it wisely for the rest of my life. My biggest hurt is that he stole my innocence of how I viewed the world. In retrospect, he gave me a gift, because now I know the difference. Love and peace be with you. I hope and pray that you too may see the light one day…