UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TT
you can only go nc when YOU are ready otherwise forget it..you may break it. But it is the best thing for us and anyone here will press upon it.
I have broken nc plenty. I did finally block him from everything in feb/mar. But I went to check if he tried contacting me a cpl wks ago and there was nothing. Not only did not hearing from him bother me, I broke nc..ugh I am very mad.
I know he is wrong and bad but the feelings of “why” there was nothing from him, really bothered me…as though he is doing nc with me. He likes to play the role of morally conscience and will say he went nc so he wouldnt hurt me with his unkept promises, and thats where i fall back and think “hmm he is not a N”…but i know better now and thats how they manipulate our heads by making us believe they are good ppl. They know their game. Stupid isn’t it.
So, at your own pace, your own time you will know when enough is enough in every way possible. But we have to remember, it is the only way to get over everything, and I truly believe that. So here I go again, restarting. And here’s to you when you are ready!! 🙂
janedoe,
Thank you, as always, for your support! 🙂
Interesting that our spaths staying away results in us questioning if maybe they aren’t an N, spath, whatever….and funny how our guts know different! It is all part of their game! Like you said, so stupid.
I’m at least to the point I don’t check often. Still, it’s not enough. Hopefully I’ll be there sooner than later, although I’m starting to see the light at the end of my tunnel. Until then, I’ll move forward on my own time. I big on proceeding at my own pace these days.
I’m sorry you broke NC by looking a couple of weeks ago. We’ll get there!!!! At least we have each other and our other supports on here who truly understand our struggles! If it weren’t for LF and reading, who knows how far along I’d be at this point…
Thanks again for being here for me!!!!
Sad!
I haven’t been on here to post for a while, although I have been reading!
Saw him yesterday!
Not bad, not good. Just left me feeling churned up again. I don’t think it will ever end!
Elsa,
Did you run into your ex? Was it a planned meeting? You say you feel not good, not bad. I’m happy you’re so, so…however….Bottom line, it’s retruamatizing. That’s why you feel churned up again, I’m sure you already releaze this…It will never end as long as you acknowledge his existance. I can offer these words, although I’m still not there yet. too. If I ran into mine on the street, I would like to think I’d just walk on by, but who knows? I contacted my last spath nearly a few weeks ago, so there’s that!
You’re several steps ahead!! Keep foghtong for yourself! We’re here for you. 🙂
I live in a tiny village and can bump into him every day! I had managed to avoid him for weeks and weeks then the other night, I came out of the shop and there he was. Full of hell because ( he announced to me) that he had had a blazing row with his family! He wanted to go for a drink and a catch up with me!!!!!!!
We did chat for a few minutes, me telling him how much he had hurt me. I did manage to say that, in spite of what he said, he had never been my friend. His answer was ” well, if that is what you think after everything that happened between us then that is very sad”…….. Crazy making behaviour!!!
I didn’t stick around to talk to him really, although I know il talked to him too much and let him see that I am still hurt.
He told me that we would never be friends like we were. He said ” I know you think how nice it would be to go back to where we were but it ain’t gonna happen”
I did explode at him at this point and told him he was so mad if he even thought I wanted to be friends, he had abused me and I was sad but to get any idea out of his head on that point.
He said ” I didn’t want to f you up, it was hard to be so callous but it had to be done”
He is a creep!!! It was not hard for him. He did the silent treatment deliberately to hurt me! What kind of a friend is that???? Not one that I wt to be around.
I just wish I didn’t live so clos to home. I could run into him today, tomorrow, anytime!!! That is what I hate so much. I have been better for not seeing him and need to hope I can manage to avoid him again. He does churn me up because I cared about our friendship and I cared about the person he portrayed he was. That image of himself was lovely……. Kind, caring, generous hearted, interested, sensitive, responsive etc etc. but it want him, just a lovefraud!!!
Totally crazymaking. Spaths don’t care how others feel. They do care what others think of them, because the better others esteem them the better they can manipulate their victims.
You are trying to interact with him in a normal way, and he is tossing word salad around to see whether he can mess with your head. You can see that trying to have a normal conversation about real issues to get to resolution is impossible with a spath.
Here is the only thing that really truly “works” in dealing with a spath, in my experience. It’s not easy, but it may work for you when/if you run into him again and interact with him casually. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Yes Elsa,
He was using you to meet his needs, without regard to you as a person. He instigated an emotional affair, you developed emotional feelings for a man who was not your husband. He manipulated you into this. He withheld who he was and his intents because if he’d been honest, you wouldn’t have given him the time of day.
After he snared you into accepting his type of friendship, He then used you to hurt his wife and control his wife who he decided had failed him. It’s likely she tried to set a boundry of respect with him, so he just went out and found a woman who didn’t know about that boundry. Then HE said his marriage was over, but I bet she didn’t and she had no idea what was going on between you two. In my marriage, I could not understand why women thought they could be “friends” with my husband, totally excluding me. How is that respectful to any marriage vows? It wasn’t just women, it was men too. They thought themselves more important to my husband than me, his wife… and they didn’t think that cutting the wife out was inappropriate at all. I tried SO HARD to not be jealous but as you now know, the EVIL one was playing his manipulative game, telling me one thing and them another. A marriage is not over until the date it is finalized and now he’s been purposely hurting you to make up to what he did to her.
I know you are hurt all over again but you are making progress. You now know a single word is an invitation to him to insert his EVIL poison. Speaking to him is his chance to harm you. And part of his EVIL is his callousness, that harming you was a good and right thing for him to do. (had to be done? That’s his BULL!)
I know you cared about your friendship but now you know, he was a frenemy, not a friend. So hopefully the acknowledgement of him as an EVIL one will help you to sever your desire for him…. and never seek/allow contact with him and especially never allow a single work or glance to be exchanged. That’s his Method of Operation how he inject His EVIL.
No he didn’t HAVE to F you up, he CHOSE that behavior from a whole LIST of choices. But as an EVIL one, being decent and honest and respectful is not on his list of behaviors. PRETENDING is on his list, BEING is not.
Like Annette says, total Socioapath crazymaking.
The sooner you can dismiss him as EVIL, the easier it will be to not notice him at all.
Elsa, seeing him and it being not bad, not good is such a milestone! Yay! As for feeling churned up, it may take a long time for that to end, but as long as the sum total is not bad, not good, you are on solid ground!
In August it will be 4 years since I’ve seen mine, and although I’m in a good place overall, I know for sure if I saw him, feeling churned up would be an understatement. I think it comes with the territory.
Thanks. I feel worse now than I did when I saw him! Back to the CD, rehearsing what to say, what I did say, what I could have said, imagining his disdain of me!
His comment about it “not being easy to be so callous at the end” has stuck, even though I didn’t fall for it. Of course it was easy, he planned it and knew how it would affect me!
I justo feel like he has ripped my heart and confidence out of me! I want his acknowledgement but I know that is futile!!,
Justo wis I had never alix eyes on him or at least just never moved beyond saying a causal hi in passing.
He told me his wife is very “tetchy” about me but, as a Buddhist, is trying hard to not have bad feelings towards me!! That makes me so mad because I never felt like my relationship threatened theirs. He told me their marriage was finished and we were friends. I was open about that and she knew and seemed fine. If she had given me any indication she wasn’t then I would have addressed that. I just know HE played us off against each other but she is still unaware of that and of how much I used to tell him to work on their relationship and not be unkind!!
He has done a good one on me!
Playing people one against the other is something spaths do a lot of. It’s called triangulation, if you google the term you might find some insights that could be helpful in understanding.
I can see evidence of all the behavioural traits in him now that the final discard has come!!! I couldn’t see it at the time!,
Love bombing…… Playing down expectations, …… Trauma bonding…… Gaslighting…….mini discards…… Final discard……. They are all there staring me in the face! And he sits in front of me and says…..” Well, I did warn you I was a b*****d”
That’s ok then!!!!
Elsa, just keep at it”there’s no way around the fact that seeing him stirs up all your thoughts and feelings and threatens your hard earned peace of mind. I am certain that this will get easier for you as time goes by.
Thank you. Three days since I saw him. I still feel sad and affected but, as you say, it will get better. I know that from experience. I need to do the gran Rock thing but that is hard to imagine being able to do as I know he will interpret that as me being “silly” and it will feed his thinking regarding me being too emotionally involved Iwith him and therefore reinforce him thinking that’s his treatment of me has been justified!!!
That’s the bit that makes me the maddest. I wasn’t emotionally involved, I was his friend and he has devalued me and treated me like it never meant a thing ( which I know it didn’t) but he has devastated my emotional wellbeing!! and he is “intact” presumably!!
Elsa
I am sorry you are still caught in his web of deceit.
To cut my abusers traps, it helped me to remind myself that he was the manifestation of evil on earth and that whatever I chose to do to cut his access to perform evil on me is appropriate. His thoughts or opinions are only one of his tools to trap his victims (me being just one of his victims), and by naming those tools as evil, then I realized that I was not being “silly”, I was battling evil and my actions were appropriate.
My ex’s opinion of me was a tool of EVIL. I countered that evil by cutting off the power of his opinion, the opinions of an EVIL one does not sway my choice to care for the well being of myself.
LF Friends!
I read an article yesterday that’s been resonating with me since.
http://money.cnn.com/2015/04/26/technology/revenge-porn-victim/index.html
The article is about a woman who was victim of revenge porn. Her story is horrific, however her outlook is anything but, and her message is one of strength, survival and transformation.
At the end of the article she’s asked if she has a message for her ex, “Mr. Wonderful.” Her response? “I would tell him thank you, I love me for the fist time in my entire existence and it’s because of the character building I was forced to do because of this.”
Her response alone is what the true meaning of wonderful defines! I’ve been feeling the same way lately”that if it weren’t for my spaths I would have never come to this place. A place that I am still hurting from, yet a place that I’m finally understanding what loving myself really means and the value it holds.
I hope we all find the love we deserve in ourselves, despite being forced to examine ourselves through our experiences with these frauds. Deep down I BELIEVE we are all on our way to finding our true balance, love and peace! Our experiences are so painful, however, when it comes down to it, we are fighting for ourselves and WE are winning!!!
TT,
Hola!
If we check our email is it breaking nc?
Agggh.
My ex has pictures of me, but my face is not in them.
Was it revenge porn because he did it behind her back-or because she broke up with him? Taking those without consent, he should be thrown in jail!!!
Remember,
I’ve missed you!
It took me a while for it to sink in that checking emails and such is breaking NC. Although better than not talking to them! It’s kind of like quitting smoking I figure…you can’t just take a drag here and there and still be a nonsmoker, right?
I think the woman in the article broke up with him after she found the cameras. It seems he was already planning his demise. There was a man recently (a few days ago) sentenced big time for running an ex revenge porn site. Amen! This is a crime.
Even if ours didn’t go to these lengths, our stories are very simililar. Love fraud in so many ways….just look at all of us on here!
TT,
Well then, i’m not gonna check that email address then! I didn’t realize if we look it’s breaking no contact, but it makes sense. I don’t write back, but yea, I shouldn’t even check!
Ugggggh.
I’m glad you are getting better, me too I think.
I am now going through therapist profiles so that I can find one familiar with this type of stuff.
I’m ready! I had to find ones with my ins plan.
:)))
I see the light too and how this happened for a purpose- even though they are yuck, ick, a** holes! I would never let him know he served a good purpose for my growth!
If I ever saw him oh how I would love to rub it in his face though…my up-graded self! He wouldn’t care or notice probably though since he can’t get past himself!
And the new or old victim would probably be on her way to deterioration.
:))
Remember,
I’m feeling so much better! Glad you are, too. 🙂 But then again, when I’m tired and alone I feel the need to check my “trash”. Hello, red button! I’m on my way, I can feel it….I just want to know what he’s up to. Not, who he’s hanging out with or literally what he’s up to, but what is he up to behind the scenes with me….I still feel him. I can’t get it out of my mind that he would comment about #1, “If you’re searching him online to find out what he’s been up to imagine the hours he’s spending searching you even if he’s not finding anything.” And then he did his evil little laugh. UGH. Just because #1 is stalking me doesn’t mean he is too! It just bugs me that he explained #1 to me so much…make sense?
If you rubbed it in his face he would not only pretend not to care but he would notice and make you pay! I’m so happy we’re finding our light….we will overcome. My prayer is sooner than later.
Have you looked at your local women’s shelter for counseling? I only say this because I’ve had years of therapy for trauma (very expensive therapy) and I found a counselor at my local safehouse that is free and my counselor knows the ins and outs of this kind of thing….I never would’ve thought I would “qualify” to seek counseling at a women’s shelter….apparently I was wrong. They don’t mess around with this type of abuse.
TT,
I did look up the local shelter and they do offer counseling.
I went to email an inquiry once, and then forgot, or put it off.
I think I will email them tomorrow and see if I qualify.
Ohh, tney would make us pay for doing well huh?
My friend invited me to an event in May (music), I say noo way. He could, though I doubt, go, but his 1st ex could and or other female aquaintence/friends…
No Thank You!!!!!!!!
He told me when we split- i’ll be going out and i’m sure you will too- so look the other way you won’t want to see!
Ok dude, are we 15 again!?!?
So you and I Thistoo are on no “trash” restriction. No checking the trash…! We already took it out!
Remember,
You may want to consider calling their hotline. It’s more personal and they can get a feel for you before connecting you with a counselor.
I hear you on the music event! I avoid events/places I know he may show like the plague. If you do decide to go in the long run, have an exit plan! We shouldn’t need to stop living because of these men. The exit plan sounds nice in my head but when I’ve been faced with situations that may put me at risk I’ve bailed…It makes it tough with 2 spahts. I live in a big enough city but with 2 of them, they’ve robbed me of many places I’d like to go. I’m happy being hermit-esk these days, anyhow…
I love the no trash restriction!!!! We did already take it out!! Hahaha! Words to live by. You and Kaya have encouraged me to take the next steps. Hopefully all (emails) will be taken care of soon! It’s so hard! Why am I dragging? I’m so overwhelmed by it all…
TT,
Got the number. Will call tomorrow.
I am right with you 100% on hermit-esk AND emails!
Overwhelmed, and dragging.
hmph.
Remember,
We can definitely do this!! We give each other strength.
Good call on making the call to your local shelter tomorrow. Please keep me posted on what they say! Make sure to fill them in on all the contact info changes you’ve had to make along with your story. They are trained to recognize those types of things, aka so not normal to live this way.
I’m am making a pact to me-you and LF that I will eliminate at least one email address this week! I can do this!!!
TT,
Ok.. you can do it!
I have to see if I can move my stuff to a flash drive, then i’ll delete 1 as well.
I’ll keep you posted.
Tomorrow is Friday yaay, so be sure to have a peaceful weekend!
:))
Thanks, Remember! You too!! 🙂
Hi
No cobtact means that you should not check anything about him. Not on social websites. Nothing. What he does is none of our concern. In order for me not to check what he writes I changed my email and phone number. With this I eliminated the urge to see what he writes. He still sends notes through the postal system to my adress which I now just file away. I don’t even read them. It took all my strength but I am at 2 years no contact now. Reading their crap means breaking no contact. He found a way for him to get to you.
Ignoring them means recovery and healing for us. I am not going to risk anything. That means no Facebook , no Twitter , no googling him , not engaging in any communication. Cutting of Al cobtact means not being friends with his friends. Nothing.
Kaya,
Ahh thank you!
Everything has been changed, exept that one email.
I will not check it.
It says after 4 months of no use, the account gets deleted.
🙂
Kaya, this is one of your best posts. “I am not going to risk anything.” That is exactly how I feel – we suffered and worked so hard to get where we are, and we should NOT risk anything. Words to live by.
Thanks Hanalei
It is so true..I will not risk going back to 2 years ago, to my crying 24/7, to being a “crazy” mess…giving him opportunities to file charges against me, to blame and belittle me.
Yes, I still have moments when I think about some “good” things about it. But when I truly think back, there was nothing good about him. What I perceived as good, was just him pretending with his mask on. Like I said, he does not miss me, he does not miss his son, his old life. What he truly misses about us is being able to be himself. With a new supply he must have his mask on nonstop, that is very tiring and exhausting. His family meant absolutely nothing to him. He was on a mission to destroy after I was discarded. He wanted to hurt me with taking my house away, because he knew it was my dream home…
And you know what, the house was sold and so what? If it gave him satisfaction to take the home away which provided a living place for his only child, then let it be.
I will never look at this man again, I will never communicate with him again. I have to protect my well being, my sanity, my health. I will not let him have one more tear, one more sleepless night, one more zombie stage workday…no he has done that already. There is no way I will go back into the past.
Hanalei, we came so far and it was not easy. But we survived and we are still here. I am not homeless, like he wanted me to be. I am not dead or locked up, like he wished. I am not declared mentally ill, like he planned.
I am just the opposite..I am living happily and I am sane…and that is the biggest revenge for me. And the only way I got here is because I cut him out of my life.
Kaya,
That is so awesome! What a ride it was for you to get there. God Bless you everyday!
I got that eerie feeling in the end, that he- just like your ex, didn’t even care about his children’s mother either…that she is far away a single mom of 2 little ones. I saw or felt it- a flash, that he doesn’t care about them either.
As long as he has a way to send you an email with a valid adress he is in control. Remember you cannot beat a sociopath/narcissust addiction while still maintaining contact. It is like saying everything in moderation is ok, everything in moderation is fine as long as you are not addicted. That’s how you know you are addicted to it/him- because you can’t do moderation.
Kaya and Remember,
Damn. I have come so far but feel like I have so much work ahead of me. And when I say work I mean more changes I need to make. So many phone numbers, security, etc. Suck that #2 went through so much of #1’s stalking with me. I had one email address when it all started and then created 2 more becuase of the stalking. Now I have a 4th neither of them know. I have a lot of weeding out to do before closing them…documentation to save and a lot of pictures, etc on my original email. It’s so overwhelming I don’t know where to start. I think that’s why i haven’t started! I need the quadruple cloud!
I can do this, right? Why is this so hard for me when I’ve made so many other steps?? Hell, I’m strongly considering moving under a hidden address because of #1, so why should closing email accounts even matter to me?
TT,
I am right with you on the email and info change.
I had 2. Now I have 5. The 2 old should be closed, but one says you have to not use for 4 months and it closes. The otner one, I have to move all my pics from the drive that is attached to that email!
I guess once we do all that, there will really be no more way for them to send anything.
I wonder if we will feel something when we finally do that.
It really has been a nightmare changing emails AND phone numbers 3 times!
It’s crazy though, if we didn’t then what would they have kept calling? I guess they would have stopped when they got a new gf.
I think you-we can do it…
TT
Hi TT. Why is this so hard? Because they have turned our brains to think like them, they manipulate us.
NC means they don’t exist, like we have never heard if them before..wipe them out of our heads and lives
Now the question is this…when are we friggin ready!!??? I know when I’ve gone NC, my goodness, it takes a cpl days but I feel so good. Like a weight off my body is pretty much how I can describe it. But the real key is..keeping NC.
I’ve broken it a cpl times and get the promises from him all over again, all that crazy shit starts all over again. Finally I did the blocking but I guess I snuck a peek and ruined it for myself only to be disappointed not to have heard anything from him, as thoug he is doing NC from me or something.
As of yesterday what happened? It’s like a radar or something..he contacted me. Telling me he hasn’t been in touch because he was extremely busy and he is trying to risk the temptation because he makes promises and doesn’t know if he can keep them. Again with the love bombs and the promise to contact today as he is back from a business trip to visit his wife and then leaves for another two week business trip. Now the weird thing is he is sending me pictures of himself on that business trip , like he’s proving something.
Am I upset? Well I do know and expected I wouldn’t hear today as he promised and I’m gettin to the point where I know he is damaged mentally with something. He is not only hurting me but his wife is in for a battle from hell with him. I knew this would happen when I heard yesterday that he would “promise” full communication while staying with his wife…I also know that it won’t happen. I have written a message that I have not sent but it goes on to explain what he is doing to the ppl around him and himself…now I have to send it but am holding off.
Your last paragraph asking “I can do this, right?” Sounds like me asking you the same about me…when I hear your stories it inspires me because I think we are at similar stages…yes we can do this, trial and error, but we can do it.
Remember
Yep NC means NC. Nothing nadda zilch…which I too have relapses. Eventually it will hit you and you will know it is the right and only thing to do. I wish I took my advice cause I’m similar to you and TT. We can stick together and tell one another what we feel and perhaps convince each other to stay strong…it does help me 🙂
JD,
I haven’t replied to any emails since March 17…
This coming week I will challenge myself to not look.
Each week, I will not look.
We are each others cheerleades
Cont…
We are each others Cheerleaders here…!
Shouting you can do it! Be strong!
Self worth self respect!!!!!
janedoe,
If NC means they don’t exist then I’m not doing a very good job! It’s so weird…I don’t want him to contact me yet I’m surprised he hasn’t, which is why I’ve checked. It’s like I’m torn. Why isn’t he contacting me? Again, I know it’s his game. Still, it hurts me. Although I know it would hurt me more if he contacted me. Why does NC bring up so many mixed emotions? I need to get on the email change bandwagon so I can’t check to see if he’s emailed.
Your ex is a piece of work! Just keeping you hanging on…his pattern of contact is always the same. His cycle only hurts you. I’m glad you’re holding off on the email you wrote. Anyway you could just send it to yourself? That has helped me in the past. If you send it, he’s not going to care but will act like he does, either through more love bombing, anger or both. It’s going to give him more ammo and show that you still care. Don’t give him that satisfaction!!! Easier said then done, I know….
I haven’t felt the need to contact him lately, but it’s really bothering me today. I feel on edge. How could a man who wanted a future with me treat me like this? Oh, that’s right, because he used me for convenience and as a front. Why the hell do I want more of an explaination from him when I already know the truth and it will get me nowhere??
TT,
Ugggggggggh.
I used my dammit doll yesterday.
I put safety pins on the private areas.
I had them over the eyes and mouth but took them out so I didn’t poke anything.
Remembertoforget, I’d just use a hammer. LOL
Hanali,
Bahahaaaaaa!
Good idea!!
Remember,
You’re a genius! How did I not think about that before? I’m feeling angry…it may be a dammit doll kind of day for me! Think I’ll try the pins and maybe even a hammer! Just on the private areas of course. 🙂 Thanks to you too, HanaleiMoon!!
janedoe,
I’ve been thinking about the picture of your ex on his business trip since my last post to you. My first spath did that, too. He would send me pics of him at the doctor’s office, on airplanes, etc. Like he was trying to prove his whereabouts. It was always so strange to me! He of course never sent me pictures of him at his therapists office. He promised to go and would make up the most ridiculous stories. I’d say, “Your therapist said that?” He was such a liar, dispite his picture “proof”! What do they think they’re proving??
TT
I have the email in my drafts and I go back and forth tweaking it and adding more. It’s very long and he doesn’t have the attention span to sit that long and read it so it wouldn’t do me any good. Basically I say that I want no more of his crap…he won’t even comprehend what it says anyway. He would prob write me back apologizing for what he has done to us, but he loves me like no other but it is what it is at the moment. But…perhaps we can meet up soon if he can get the b***h out of the way….that is exactly what he’d say, word for word. And then, the cycle begins again. I’d respond to that and he would go weeks and months to respond and here I am today…
Like you I ask why all the time..why isn’t be writing or responding. What is he doing? I want to hear from him but I don’t want to hear. I can say 100 percent when he got married and I went NC for 4 months I felt better in the end than when I respond to his nonsense in the most recent months. I just need to get over the edge, I’m almost there, and do that NC completely like I did.
I someone told me they were in a relationship and described it like mine with the idiot, I don’t have to tell you what i wld say to them.
Even though we go NC they are in our heads, it’s almost impossible to get them out which in my case helps me break NC. We need hypnosis to erase him completely out of our head
Remember
Yay for you! March 17 is fantastic since you haven’t written. That is a fabulous start. It’s hard I know but you managed the hardest part of it all. Now lets hope you keep it! You can do it you can do it and so will We all rah rah rah 🙂
You’re right, he didn’t want a future. He lied that he wanted a future in order to get something else he wanted. He doesn’t want a future nor a real relationship with anyone.
We want explanations because it’s pretty much impossible to understand the motivation of a psychopath. I think it’s kind of good we can’t understand them.
Annette,
My counselor said the same thing. It’s a good thing we don’t understand thier motivation because if we did what would that make us? And if we could understand them, would we even want to? I know I’ll never have answers…that’s been hard for me. I still want them! In the past when I broke NC, it was always the same…blame, blame, blame. No accountability for anything.
janedoe and Remember,
I love that you already know exactly how he would respond. It’s funny how we can always predict their words and how everyone of them has a cycle. Learning my exes behavior patterns have been very telling and helpful. Like Remember says every time I want to break NC, “Run the tape!”
Kittylover said in one of her previous posts on LF that she wished their was a spath removal service right before she kicked her ex out. I wish someone could just go in and take the trash out of my head!! I’m going to definitely try the reverse hypnosis CD Annette recommended!
Remember, you go girl on the no messaging!!! I’ve broken it once since my last email exchange with him. I called and then left a message saying not to call me back. Funny, I was looking back through my last email exchange and the last email I sent was March 17th! He kept writing at the time, naturally. I was so proud of not talking to him after that…and then I went and messed it all up a couple of weeks ago. Meh. I’ve still got this. Janedoe has got this! You’ve got this! Rah, rah, rah, indeed!!! 🙂
Jane D,
Spaths use hypnotic techniques and they hypnotize their victims. This relaxation tape has specific suggestions to overcome the aftermath of a ‘relationship’ with a spath. It’s kind of like reverse hypnosis. I listened to it every night for about a year. It helped me a lot. You can listen to a sample here. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
Anette,
Thanks, i’m going to make use of it too!
Remember,
I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. It was a lifesaver, and worked to undo the mind programming my ex spath did on me. The woman who made it, Sandra Brown, wrote the book Women Who Love Psychopaths, and she has a solid understanding of how they work and what they do to victims.
Annette,
Thank you for this link. I am definitely going to give it a try. Anything that may help reverse hypnosis is worth a shot! Looking back I can now see all the ways he was using hypnotic techniques on me. These people seem to be masters at it! It’s hard to believe there are even websites out there to teach people how to do this type of thing….
annette
i do believe you about the hypnosis…it makes complete sense.. we obviously don’t see them hypnotizing us, but there is something, that even though we know down deep they are lying and cheating, we can’t break loose from that hold, even though it is dangerous…what is it they do??
Jane D,
Here are 2 articles I read that describes some of the hypnotic techniques they use on us.
http://psychopathsandlove.com/psychopaths-use-trance-and-hypnosis-to-get-and-keep-victims/
https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/psychopathic-seduction-and-hypnotic-induction/
Also the book by Sandra Brown, Women Who Love Psychopaths contains good info about this, and lots of other good info.
Annette and janedoe,
My spaths would both stare me in the eyes until I broke contact. It always bothered me but I still am not quite sure what it was all about. Hypnosis?
#2 would repeat things he said over and over and over (etc) in the same conversation. Especially if it was my view, opinion or emotions about something. And his voice would be so relaxed and calm. I remember it agitating me at first. I thouhgt maybe he was insecure, you know when a person needs to say the same thing over and over so you really hear them? I talked to my counselor about it. She said it’s a huge red flag and very intentional on his part. She advised that if I ever feel that agitation when a person repeats themselves in conversation in the future to be aware…
In my experience NC is extremely difficult because the spath did and does everything to push the victim’s buttons to keep her focused on him. They use mind control and hypnosis and conditioning techniques. They want us to keep our attention on them.
I struggled with NC for literally years. I was “ready” to really do NC when I was doing it for me, without regard to the effect of NC on the ex psychopath.
My recovery consisted of both removing the ex spath from my thoughts, and filling my life and mind with good things. If there is a void in one’s life, it’s easy for the spath to fill it, in person or in our thoughts.
Ahhhhh, good point. If there is a void- it is easy for them to fill it….EVEN in our thoughts.
Hadn’t thought about that! They can still fill it even after they are long gone. Rent space in our heads…I believe the thoughts are becoming less. Progress…
annette
you said it! our minds are ingrained with them and their words, we know they aren’t good but we have had a spell put on us!!! lol
and yes, a person has to be ready to do NC, not because someone tells them to, but there is something that will put a person right over the edge and only they will know when to begin NC…it can be anything, a thought, something you hear, a memory, anything, but each person is different and they will know when the time is right
This and remember
You can do it..I want to give you encouragement. Once you change all your emails and he receives an email back as “invalid email address” it changes everything. It gave me so much strength…
Once a socio path no longer needs you or realizes he cant use you for further supply, you become dead to him. His memory is wiped clean of you , because he was never able to connect with you on a spiritual level in the first place. You were just a material thing, an acquisition and a conquest; its easy to toss away things. You become trash and garbage in the eyes of the sociopath.
Now, you do not exist. You are worthless and so was the relationship. Poof..you are nothing.
In my case, I became desperate to make him see how wrong he is. I tried to delay the end. I called him, and begged him and bartered with him. I basically got down on my hands and knees and said how sorry I am and I would do yachting to prove to him that I was worthy of his eternal friendship and love.
I made a spectacle out of myself, he had already found new supply and I ended up looking like crazy and as a desperate fool.
Now, looking back I am not proud of all this but I did have this one moment when I realized “no more”. By cutting him out of my life, I made my last statement. By going no contact I told him “No more” with my silence. I now know that I can never let him back into my life. The 2 years I worked so hard to complete would be undone in a few seconds. I am in constant guard of my “inner child”,I got used to it and it is now a normal thing for me.
I hope all of you find the strength and hope to cut these evil men out of your life. You will be rewarded in ways you never imagined….believe me, I have been there.
kaya48,
I’m finding that as I move forward with healing I’m orbiting this balance I feel is near. Some days I feel so strong and barely give these spaths more than a thought and days like today I find myself wanting to contact for answers I know I’ll never get. I understand what they are but I don’t understand how this could possibly ever happen. Some days I read on here and it hits me…this is my life now! How can this be? It’s a strange orbit of acceptance, denial, loss and anger. Not the greiving cycle I’ve experienced for so long, the one I’m used to, the ups and downs of all these emotions. This orbit is a more comfortable place to be for sure…I just want to be farther along….I want to be safe, free and balanced.
TT
you really read my mind…this is exactly how i feel and think
it is so tiring wondering why this and why that. we have asked millions of times and never get the truth or a straight answer.
some days i feel like i am OCD on this topic and other days are beautiful and i could care less.
i have trouble understanding (but i really do understand) how they speak and say things to us and even though its a lie and we know it, we just say to ourselves “hmm maybe this one time he is for real”
i can understand why NC is imperative, this is why, it just brings us back to the helpless beginning when we break the contact and get hypnotized all over again.
janedoe,
I’m to the point when I’ve broken NC it’s to get affirmation of what he is. There’s no more falling into his lies when I talk to him. It’s when he’s not contacting I feel like there’s a chance this is all in my head and he really is a nice guy. Then I start reading my journals, articles and get on here. At that point I am affirmed again.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my orbit phase. I have to believe this stage is a progession from the maddening ups and downs. Is this a sign we are getting stronger? I feel like it is.
Right now the thought of contact with him makes me sick. Being on here has helped me today for sure.
TT, JD,
I posted on another article about that too. I go on fine and don’t need to read, then suddenly one day, I forget, or question, is it real….is he really that?, and I hop on board and start reading to confirm that, yep, it’s true.
The day I broke nc was the day I went to dr. for severe depression. It too showed me what he was. I believed nothing and stopped messaging. That’s around the same day I started posting on here.
The only way you will get some form of “closure” is when you initiate and stay no contact. They play a game with you and enjoy every minute of it. I receive a monthly alimony check from my ex. He always attaches some kind of note to the check in a way that I see what he writes. I usually dont even read his crap anymore.
This months, there was a note that said ” I will send you some pictures to remind you of the “better times”, I think it will put a smile on your face.”
It is so pathetic that I can’t even read this stuff. He is targeting my empathy side now, after months of calling me vindictive, crazy b****. It does not work. As I said, I quit playing his games 2 years ago. I spent over 15000$ for a divorce…and no matter what, I will not go back to 2 years ago. Just to think about going through something like that, totally scares me.
There are so many things I would love to throw at him..but I know that he wants to push my buttons and he wants a response, which he will not get. He will get nothing.
It has been over 2years since I was discarded for the co worker and he still tries to wiggle himself back into my life. Even though I made it clear in divorce court that he is my number one enemy. I will never communicate with him again. There are no minor children , so there is no need for it. A narcissist will never accept defeat….ignoring him is our victory and his defeat. And it hurts him on the deepest level. It brings up his insecurities, something he worked so hard to cover up by manipulating, controlling and betraying me. Now he must face his inner demons because I removed him of his pedestal, the godly image he wanted to portray, the worshipping he enjoyed so much. He can find a new minion who he can control, who will feed him his ego kibbles, who tells him how great and sexy he is…yuck..thinking this was my husband of over 20 years makes me want to throw up.
No contact is not easy. I broke it many times at the beginning. But there must come a time when you must stick to it…you must control your inner child. I learned that once I removed myself from this craziness my life became sane. This man has brought us behaviour in me that I never though I was capable of and for nothing will I go back there.
Yes, the “closure” comes from within. It comes with acceptance that there are, and never will be, answers, or a satisfactory explanation (or apology, or whatever you feel you want/need) coming from them. Any attempt at getting it from them (and I did, many many times when I took him back after mini-discards) will only bring you more pain, frustration, hurt and outrage. It comes only from within.
I have been searching for a house to buy for over a year now, after he left me for dead financially. I have recovered better than most could have, but in my price range, what is available are the “leftovers””nice house in bad neighborhood, crappy house in good neighborhood, etc. If I had another $50k (less than a THIRD of what I lost due to his discard), it would open up a world of new possibilities, but I don’t. I constantly weigh my age and waiting vs. the economy vs. just settling to get it over with vs. relocating yet again to a less expensive place. After every day of house hunting (like yesterday), I come home defeated, sad, confused and feeling like I’m moving backwards in life instead of forward. I find my thoughts turning to “closure”, wanting someone, anyone, to acknowledge how much was taken from me and how I barely recognize my life or myself anymore. It’s not coming. They’re all living their own lives, smug in knowing it would never happen to them.
Yet, I know that under the circumstances, I am doing great, better than I could have expected, and many can look to me and wish they were in my shoes. I will figure this out. If I was able to survive what he did to me and triumph on that first leg of this seemingly never ending road of cleaning up the mess, I can survive this, and one day (soon) will look back from my right house in the right place at the right price and add another bracelet to my wrist reminding me of how proud I am of myself.
I can do this. But this shit is not for sissies.
HM
your bracelet must be jingle jangling 🙂
kaya
yuck!!! tell him to send his pictures to someone else!!
pictures of better times??? is that what he thinks? little do they know that a picture doesn’t say whats going on in a persons head, a picture is just an appearance whether fake or real…how does he know you won’t take a look at the picture and think “oh yeh, thats the night he…..”
what idiots..honest to god
if he thought you were so crazy, he wouldn’t even be trying to talk to you…
they are tiring and relentless
Everything in life, all of our actions have consequences and repercussions. What a narcissist doesn’t get is, that evil actions will bring “death”. Not a physical death, but hurt and pain in his lifetime. they treat loved ones and people like we are garbage and expect that we still worship them. In my case, it worked in his favour for 20 years. I was a choice and a convenience to him. I was not his wife. He was an inappropriate spouse and I accepted it. I take it as a blessing that this minion was so powerful, or the attraction to her, that he finally discarded his family. He wanted to punish me, but he did just the opposite, he set me free. It took me about 6 months to realize that. And then I was glad, I was grateful , I was thankful and I could go on with my life. Thinking back I did not have a life, I was the puppet on strings for him. Always trying to please him, trying to make him happy, telling him how great he is. Thats not a marriage. I gave up my own identity to feed his ego. Only I was so gaslighted that I did not see it. If you keep in contact with them, you will never see the truth.
Kaya, I think you should write a book. Your insights are so good!
The way I understand it, unrepented evil brings eternal death, rather than eternal life. Ezekiel 18:20.