UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
you are so right. Most people cannot understand what we have been through. They live in their own world, like I used to . And yes, this is not for Sissies. I definetely used to be one, thats for sure. But not anymore. Fighting him in court, empowered me in ways that I never imagined. All of a sudden, I was this emotionless, strong woman….I never knew I had it in me. I used to be in tears before, now I was cold and businesslike.
I know what you mean, about losing a house. It is very depressing to lose your home. But we will have another house one day, that we truly make our “own home”, without evil being present in it.
It just takes time, to start all new… and at our age it is difficult, different than in your 20’s or 30’s. But what this entire ordeal has taught me, is that there is always a way of hope. No matter what you go through, you have to cling to hope and faith. It might not seem like this at the moment, but I never lost my faith. God had a plan for me and so far I love what he has done for me.
Driving home from work, I pass a inpatient mental institution. Looking at the sign I thank God every day that he gave me my life back. My ex wanted me so badly locked up in that institution. He tried everything in his cop power to get this accomplished. But like always, God was on my side. He protected me and showed me the way.
If you are in the midst of the storm, just keep your head above the water and leave up to God…it is out of our control anyhow.
Kaya,
Thank you again for your inspiration…
Hanal,
It’s definitely not for sissies. I feel like a sissy because I never thought of myself to be a girl to tollerate any of the crap I did for even a minute.
Remembertoforget, you’re not a sissy.
When I was worried about my life getting back on track, my therapist told me this, and I remind myself of it all the time. I was fine before he came into my life. Better than fine in fact. I was GREAT before he came into my life. This was an anomaly, this is not the norm. It takes time to regroup, but we are still us, we are NOT the anomaly.
This is a helpful concept, since there is so much pressure, not just from the spath, for the victim to take the blame and figure out what hidden fault we had that ’caused’ the spath to prey on us.
After I got out I was horrified at the abuse I tolerated. If my ex psychopath had started with the abuse all at once in the beginning, of course I would have left. They do it gradually, like the proverbial frog in the slowly heated to boiling water.
Hanalei
thank you. I would love to write a book one day. We all should get together and write some kind of book. Afterall we all had almost the same evil guys in our lives…
I truly like your statement “you were fine before you met him”. So true, we were fine and sane before we met evil. And I think we can go back to that. It is not easily done , but we can do it.
Some of us are in the delay phase rightnow. We have been hoping and praying about something and it hasn’t happened yet. We might start to think that God has forgotten us.
God has not forgotten us. It is a delay by design. God knows what we are going through. He wants to build our character, our strength, and he wants us to learn to trust in him. We can count on him for his help. Don’t ever fear. The problem with fear is that it keeps us in the “wilderness.” God is getting us ready for those difficulties to come.
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. ” Isaiah 40:31
And for those who want to read his emails, think about, what good can come out of it? He will never change, he will never give you an explanation, an apology, a closure, a I am sorry…..that will not happen. I for so long wished my ex husband would apologize, tell me the truth, be civil….after being discarded. Instead he kept his affair going, and he blamed me and declared me mentally ill. And if I was to contact him today, do you think he would tell me anything different? No, he would belittle me, try to make me fell worthless, lie and lie and then laugh behind my back. He would tell his current minion “See, how crazy this ex wife of mine is, she needs to be locked away. ” I would end up looking like a crazy and desperate fool. So, no, I will give him the satisfaction of doing this to me again. Once was already too many.
Kaya,
These are such wonderful words. You guys are so awseome today, and EVERYDAY!
Giving us wisdom, strength, and support.
God Bless you, and all of us!
🙂
Anette,
That sounds great. I sed to meditate habitually, but I suddenly stopped. I stopped doing all kinds of things I used to do as I was sorting through the aftermath. I think now it’s time to start doing little things again that had helped me before.
I’m 40 now, so I think this was my mid-life crisis! Changing everything!
Me too, Annette. Thanks for sharing.
annette
thank you for the articles, i will look into them tonite 🙂
TT
each time i haven’t heard from him he sends a picture..i know why he does it and he knows i know why..i have approached him many times.
like you said, he wants to show he has been very busy and unable to be in touch..
when i don’t acknowledge him in the picture, or say he looks good, he will ask me how come i haven’t said anything about the picture…ugh what an idiot
next time i will tell him “i can’t see the picture anymore because i enlarged it and threw darts at your face”
aww he just wants to be adored, poor thing
He wants any kind of attention. He doesn’t care if you’re giving him adoration or telling him you’re throwing darts at his photo, as long as you’re thinking about him, talking about him, planning about him, hurting because of him, etc. Since anger and hurt are more intense emotions, it is likely he enjoys it more when you express those.
If a victim can manage to show no emotion at all in interactions with a spath, they will always get bored and go away. This is really the only thing that ‘works’ with a spath. The only way to ‘win’ is to live a good life without any reference to their existence.
janedoe,
Like Annette said, any reaction will do. Spath #2 would say about #1 that he would feel the bond once it was broken. I still find that curious….how do they know? Is it the boredom like Annetter refers to? And that’s when they feel the ties are broken?
On that note! I would want to throw darts at his face, too! I think you should. Just don’t tell him about it. It will be our little secret! 🙂
Annette
Your words are so true. The no contact is a shield for us, to protect us, to assure our emotional welfare. Many think it is a way of revenge or pay back. There is really nothing that gets to a sociopath. They hate being ignored but will go on, as you said.
I know my ex would love to get a reaction out of me…even a negative one. If I were to call him and cuss him out, he would love that. He is trying every way he can. From attacking me, to being the victim, the pity play and so on. It is a part of their game and giving them one word, one response, one comment, one email, they will be the winner.
I refuse to let my ex hurt me the way he did for 20 plus years. It is me who is in control now, it is on my terms and conditions. And it does not cost any money…
I noticed a big change in me since I started the no contact. Before I was very fearful and on edge, nervouse what he could throw at me next. Once I had the proof of all of his affairs, I knew I had nothing to do with the failure of the marriage. It was all him. Before I would question myself and even accept blame. But after that day, everything shifted. No matter what he threw at me, I did not care. In the end it is all lies anyhow.
Jane doe
thanks for your kind words. Yes, the picture thing is just ridiculous. I always have a smile on my face, ever since I was discarded, since the divorce was final and especially when receiving his monthly alimony check. 🙂 He totally underestimated me. I still remember, once he said to me…”You will never file for divorce, because you will love me forever.” He had it all wrong…I guess CPT America does not have superpowers, because he lost big time in this divorce. He should be happy , he has his freedom and his minions.. What he does not have is his family, his only family. Maybe it was not worth it after all? But that’s not my concern any longer. Like your ex, he never thought about the consequences of being evil.
kaya,
“Before I was very fearful and on edge, nervous what he could throw at me next.” Your message touches home. I didn’t even realize that’s how I feel until I saw it in writing!
Even though #2 has stopped contacting me I still feel this way. Probably because I still check my trash to see if he’s emailed me? #1 always makes me feel this way — he’s off the radar but still around. I can feel him. I have gone completey NC with #1 since last summer. How long after NC did it take for you to fell secure again?
I think if I go completely NC with #2 I may feel better. The stalker #1 on the other hand….
Thank you, always. For your stories, support and wisdom. You have helped me so much. In reading all the posts about pictures I thought of you laying out all the pictures on your kitchen table! Even though you had “had enough” at that time, you were strong then, even if you didn’t realize it at the time! 🙂
This too shall pass
Ah…the story about the pictures that I laid out on the kitchen table. Yes you are right, maybe I was stronger than I thought I was.
It took me about a year to become strong in my no contact. I did not break it but often my thoughts would go to him. Definitely after all my court dates it became a “daily normal” to focus on myself and not him any more. Now, after 2 years, I think I can say that I am 100 percent over him. Before my heart would race to see a note from him. Like I said I eliminated all the ways he can contact me, except my postal mailing address. As he is a cop he can easily find out where I reside. I asked my lawyer if I should just throw away his letters, but was advised to keep them and put them in a folder. As the ex creates a written path for his behaviour. Just in case, he will “cook up” something. We just never know with him. I never imagined he would put his wife and son in court to try to get a restraining order. His own child testifying in my behalf, against his father, was unbelievable. This was after he had sent me to the mental institution…so he had to always top his actions. I spent so much money in lawyers fees for his b/s. Just to annoy and aggravate me, he always had “something up his sleeve”. Once the divorce was final, it definitely got better. But the no contact played the biggest role in it. He was out of “ammunition”….what could he use against me now? I live about 20 miles away from the country where he is a cop and believe me, I do not set foot in this county. It is just too risky for me. What if he stops me and makes up more lies? They would believe this cop, retired Army first sergeant over the “middle-aged, crazy ex wife”. I now know how to protect me from his attacks. And of course I have my lawyer to help me just in case I need it. I hope with time, my ex will give up. It should become boring now.
What I enjoy is the turning of powers. He used to have so much power and control over me….and now….he has nothing.
Kaya48
Ok it’s good to know that it took you about a year to complete NC. You do sound so uplifted and positive I got the impression once you started NC it came very easily and it was less than a year.
I guess everyone is different and some heal
Quicker than others. The end result is we have all been used and manipulated by them, doesn’t matter the degree, although I can definitely say you have some horrid stories of his treatment towards you. That may have taken me longer than you, a year is pretty quick considering..proves he is scum and you are that much better. Congrats to you 🙂
I found this in a journal I wrote about 8 months after I was discarded :
“I had been thinking of him every single day, sometimes every-waking-moment-of-every-single day; and I felt sorry that I was using my energy with those kinds of thoughts and fears. Then, one day, when I was thinking of him, I realized …I don’t think I thought of him yesterday and the day before. And so after all this time constantly thinking of him, I began of not doing this any more. It was the beginning of the end of allowing my world to be possessed by him. It was like God would eventually open a door and when I looked up and saw the door was open, I ran through it.”
From that moment on, I was OK. I hope that all of us here will find this door, the door to a happy, new, sane, peaceful, rewarding life. A life without the constant drama and crazy making. Because if we think about it, we never deserved to be treated like a Mc Donalds paper bag that you throw in the trash, when you are done with your meal. God bless you all.
Kaya,
I love your journal entry. I read back in my journals and can now see the craziness I was going through. I hope to one day read back and see my progress.
I especially love you saying, “we never deserved to be treated like a Mc Donalds paper bag that you throw in the trash, when you are done with your meal.” I’m keeping this as a reminder for when I’m feeling weak. Thank you. 🙂