UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Yes , I agree with you not what he said of me. I “labeled” my ex evil long before the discard. Viewing and recognizing that he is true evil helped me to cut him out of my life . “Normal ” people would not do those evil things to another human being . My ex wanted to destroy me, reduce me to nothing , have me locked away. I was his wife, the mother of his child. I will never understand why he wanted that for me. There is only one word that fits, and that’s pure evil. Satans helper. By divorcing him I blocked him for the rest of my life , because I don’t talk to evil.
Yes Kaya48
It helped me to name Evil as Evil. Otherwise my brain kept trying to make excuses for him. By naming his intent of me, I was able to see his behavior for what HE is. I chose to cut my enormous losses and walk away from EVIL.
MWHSOM
I fully accept with what you say about other women being friends etc. in this instance, I had known both him and his wife on the same level for years, casually. Me and him got to know each other via my business ( his wife set this up, asked me to involve him and encouraged him to volunteer etc)
She told me how pleased she was that he had got involved.
But we ” clicked” …. I know now that I was too friendly with him ….. But we were friends in public. I would go around his house, when his wife was there, we would work on project stuff together.
I think (now) that his wife was concerned but she never ever voiced it or showed it she would com and sit with me int the pub, talk to me in the street, etc etc. but maybe she was getting to know here enemy???
I used to be open with her about times I had been in touch with him and never felt I had anything from her.
I now know that he hid everything. He was horrified when I made it clear I had told my husband details. Like I would meet him in the pub for a drink ( in the company of a whole crowd of people, who knew us both) . We would work on stuff, paperwork etc. I would just tell my husband want I was doing. Once he ( spath) said ” where does your husband think you are?” I said, he knows I am here with you. He couldn’t believe it!!
I believe now that he used to tell his wife that the reason he spent time with me was because I was incompetent.
It is all such a mess.
She is obviously mad at me, though outwardly being nice to me…… I woudl so love to have a discussion with her about it all because I really do believe he has played us BOTH off against each other.
He used to complain abou her to me and I used to try and encourage him to be positive towards her. He used to say ” I don’t hate her, she is the mother of m kids and we are friends but our marriage is over”
Mind you….. She used to say the same to people (in so many words)
I just feel so mad with him right now and want to be free of any negativity or sensitivity. The latter is the worst. I wnt to ask him “what kind of a man are you to treat me like that?” ( and his wife, more so!!!)
He describes himself as a b*****d and says to me now “I warned you I wasnt a nice person” ( so it is my fault then????)
His wife doesn’t know HALF of what I know!!!!
Elsa
I am sure you are right, that the wife doesn’t know things you know. It was hard for me back then, to be aware that people seemed to know and they wouldn’t tell me.
What they did say was, “why won’t you let him go?”. Well, I wasn’t discussing my marriage with community members, so I went to my husband and asked him, “why would they say such things? I’m not hanging on to you. We are married. If you don’t want to be married to me, you should be telling me, not just them.” And he’s SWEAR that they were just stirring up trouble, that he’d said NO such thing, and did not want or even think about divorce, that he was a happy married man.
YEs, they knew what he TOLD them about me but… I KNEW what he did behind closed doors, I knew what he did when he thought no one was watching. I knew he’d act like their buddy and then come home and ridicule them, talk about how he had them at his beck and call, how he’d outsmarted them, how they threw their “so called” morals out the window because they were greedy or vain. I knew my husband pretended to be kind to animals but was in reality, when no one was watching, he was an abuser. I knew he’d set people up, people whom he thought acted superior towards him, he’d find ways for the community to shame them.
It’s a weird thing. When I was dating my husband, he told me he was “no good”. He hadn’t revealed his evil yet. I thought he was just feeling insecure. Sometimes they do tell us the truth about them, but they say it in such a way to refute the truth. I think they do that as a pre-emptive manipulation, and use pity play to manipulate us into a mindset that dismisses the evil we see in them until the EVIL compounded too much to ignore.
And yes, just so you know, NOTHING is their fault. It’s YOURS. They blame their behaviors on their victims. Just like Pedophiles blame children for being raped. It’s the same kind of EVIL logic. EVIL. EVIL. EVIL. Mindset.
Keep in mind that anything you know the he told you may or may not be true. It is likely that he lied and is lying to you about her and to her about you. The truth could be anything. As much as you’d like to talk to her, consider whether it’s better to leave it alone. If she approaches you or if you end up having a conversation about it, consider still being careful what you say, because anything you are relying on as a fact that the spath told you, may not be true.
Oh, I know…. He is Liar, full stop!!
He has told me stories of his “escapades”….. Other women, other children his wife doesn’t know about, this all used to not matter to me because I wasn’t in a “relationship” with him in that sense! But honestly, I could drop him in it no bother!,
Don’t worry…… I know enough to know that he would convincer HER that anything I said was evidence that I was crazy etc!!!
He is just a jerk and I need to discard HIM!!!!
He has just hurt me, my confidence, self esteem etc. I will recover…… I am recovering!! Just, please God, didn’t let me see him!!! it just brings it all to the forefront again!!
Consider that his stories of other women, children, etc. may or may not be true. You can’t be sure of anything with these people. He may have been testing you to see how you’d react.
Yes, you are so much better without interacting with him. As time goes on, more things may become clear to you. It hurts to be a victim of such exploitation.
Elsa
Look at what you are disclosing here.
This man had “escapades” with other women, and has children from those. But his lowlife behavior didn’t matter to you? Think about children born without a father… a wife betrayed.
And you expect this scumbag to treat you differently?
Elsa, EVIL does not treats us the way we deserve, they treat us badly because of the way THEY are.
Perhaps you could consider thinking a little more kindly of his wife. As you point out, you know things (or may not since it comes from the EVIL one) and she is in the midst of confusion and trauma and drama. What a horrible place for her to be.
I mean i never felt it affected me! Of course, I thought he had behaved badly….. He dressed up his behaviour in that way…. Disclosing thisng saying he had made mistakes earlier in his life etc etc. he didn’t say it a at that came across as bragging! Pity play,, I know!!!
My point about his wife is that I have never felt badly towards her. I feel cross that he has played us both off against each other and I know she has fallen for his lies ( she probably has to in order not to crack up)
What she doesn’t realise is that I fought HER corner in the sense that I used to encourage him to talk to her, find common ground etc.
she will never know that because he has forged a wedge between us. But when I see her she is open, friendly a welcoming….. He tells me now that she doesn’t want to speak to me, is very touchy about me etc
No, I will never know the truth either because HE is sick and twisted!!m
He never had the guts to just say ” me and Elsa are friends ”
I was probably his tool for twisting the knife with his wife,
I feel guilty for that San want to apologise to her.
Sorry if I came across as lacking compassion for her. I certainly don’t. I would love her to realise that SHE is better off without him!
You are correct . He is evil, he ta4getted me and I feel for his charm, companionship, apparent sensitivity, support etc etc.
Now his true colours show and I am left as I am.
Beloved it or not, I am trying hard and in some ways I am doing ok.
As long as I don’t see him! I wish there was an easy answer to that one. There isn’t” I have to live with that!
I have deleted every phot I had of him ( which were not personal but attached to my project)
I have had to lose some treasure and valuable photos for that.
I havec also got rid of every memory I can. But I can’t erase the times we had and the conversations we had. It is these which have messed up my head. I am sure he is. Dry proud of himself!!!
Me and his wife ( and all those other women) are his victims””
Meant here, who is he to treat me the way he has ….. But the way he has treated me is nothing compared to the way he has treated his wife! I think I am only one in a very long line of situations which he has used to make her crazy!
It is likely you are correct. People treat others the same way across the board. Spaths may fake being ‘nice’ to get something, but if it suits them they will abuse anyone. It’s about who they are, not how deserving or not deserving of abuse victims are.
Spaths generally believe that anyone whom they can victimize ‘deserves’ it. They lack human decency and respect.
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/07/top-15-signs-you-have-been-dating-a-sociopath/
This link is like reading an article written just about him!!,
This is a great site. Thanks for the link.
Thistoo, Janedoe, HM, Anette, Kaya, etc…
Well guys, I did it!
I deleted the final email account.
No more ways of checking to see if he has sent any, and no more reading if he did.
Wow. Another door closed. I believe God and the Universe sees this step as an effort to heal and honor myself.
🙂
Also TT,
For now I moved all pics and docs from the google drive on to a flash drive. Then I will figure out how to get them into the active google drive, and yes,I was aggravated while figuring it out! Mad at him and mad at my old best friend for having to change all this due to BOTH of them. She just happened to pull her shit at the wrong time- or I could have killed two birds with one stone!
All this crap aint normal. All because of harrassers in their 40’s!!!!!!!! More like 4!
Remember,
WOOT!!! You go girl!!!! I’m so happy and proud of you!! 🙂
How do you feel now that you’re honoring yourself by breaking off all contact?
I deleted one email this week! Now it’s down to 2…the biggies. One is how spath #1/stalker can weasel his way in, although he doesn’t email me directly anymore. The other is how #2 and my ex bestfriendhave access to me. I’m hearing you on the whole killing to birds thing! My ex best friend doesn’t harrass me but it’s her only tie to me now…it’s hard for me because I’m grieving our relationship big time. The thought of deleting my accounts has made me angry. And sad.
My birthday is Friday so as a birthday gift to myself I’m going to take time next weekend and get rid of BOTH accounts. After reading how you put everything on a flash drive, I looked on the settings for my accounts and I can download them. Another way is I can create yet another email and have everything moved to that account. Not sure which route I’m going to take. I’ll probably jsut download them.
Thank you for your inspiration!!!!
TT,
Thank you! I did it!
It’s like you say, when we are ready we will. I feel like after what everyone was saying here rang true…
part of moving on and letting go is taking that last step, cutting that last line.I guess I was ready- and this morning angry over the movig of documents because of them. The full moon is today, and so I guess it moved me to get organized!
Very cool you have a bday this week!
You will take that step when you are fully ready!!!!!!
We did have a life before any of them, and although it will be different, we shall have a FULL life after them!
Remember,
I’m getting closer! I’ve at least made up my mind to do it and am starting taking steps to get to the final delete! You put it well to Kaya, they disrespected us so there’s no use in acknowledging their bad behavior.
We did have a life before them and I believe our lives will be even better now, once we’re past all this. It’s only up and up from here on out!
Remember, jd and kaya,
I am having a hell of a time today with this whole email thing! Last night I started getting things organized for my official email moves. I had to change my apple id, which created more of a pain on my devices than I thought. Then first thing this morning #2’s friend/coworked sent a calendar invite cancel that went to both my ex and me. It was a cutesy thing she had planned for us (an inside joke). Then she sent a short email apologizing saying that she didn’t realize the cancellation would email me. It was a nice email and I believe it was authentic. I didn’t write back. I believe he’s using her in other ways than he did me. She’s a kind person. However, that ONE email alone was enough to send me over the edge…you know, the racing heart, shakes, memories, hurt and what if he’s going to try and contact me now?? I NEED to get rid of these addresses!
On top of that an old friend who couldn’t get in touch with me looked for me online and emailed me at work to share baby news and an invite to a shower. She apologized for having to “stalk” me. Haha. No big deal, I don’t mind her contacting me, it just means I’m easily accessible to anyone who looks.
AND, on top of that, I started looking at accounts linked to my emails, which now happen to be spread out among the 2 old ones, because I never changed the contact info along the way. There are so many to update and I’m feeling so overwhelmed and anxious. ARGH. If I hadn’t even dated these men I wouldn’t have to deal with this crap. I’m so frusttrated and angry. And sad and hurt. And worried I’ll hear from my ex soon….
One step at a time. I can do this, I know I can!
Remember
Good for you!!!
I hope you maintain and continue all of what your goal is…NC!!! Yes you can do it…you say you are ready and only you know when you are. Everything about him is gone? The easiest for me to give up was checking his fb or looking at other social media sites he was f**king around on…the hardest and it still it…the emails. I can’t look at old photos that is hard. I actually couldn’t even delete them because I was afraid to see them. I just left them where they were.
You are going in a positive direction. Keep going and it may even feel good to write daily how you feel, either on here or a diary 🙂
JD,
During the horrendous breakup at Christmas I deleted every picture of him and threw away almost everything he gave me, except the side table, coffee maker, and a few desired items. Everything else…distroyed and discarded in a ritualistic fashion on NYE. Lol
I deactivated all my social media accounts, I went off fb when I was with him though. Number was changed more than once. Only way to get me now is call my job and hang up when I answer. Lol.
He is…….gone.
Remember
figures he would choose xmas to end things? i too would have thrown those objects away, you did well”
he can’t show up at work i hope?
JD,
No, I ended it!!! 2 days before Christmas and he harrassed me and hoovered and we fought until I changed my number later in January.
If I stayed with him I would have probably killed myself!!!!!
Congratulations for doing something that is hard to do, and is very good for you. You giving yourself power over your ex and what he did to you. It isn’t easy, but it’s the way to get over them sooner and better.
Elsa
I totally agree with Annette. Have you thought of his wife? My ex never introduced me to any of his female coworker, or fellow soldiers. I always found it very strange that “I was not pretty, good enough” to meet them. I now know that he did not want me to know them, because of what he was doing behind my back. Elsa, while I feel sad for you what you are going through, I do feel empathy for his wife also. Would she approve of him having a relationship with you?
What I believe is that this guys throws “you some breadcrumbs”. He is a selfish, inconsiderate, evil person. I think he is trying to damage your self esteem and hurt you even further. I read the “breadcrumbs” is any contact that not communicate clear intent. It includes a “how are you”, “hope you are doing ok”? My ex used to throw me those breadcrumbs after I was discarded…he never had any intent of reconciliation. Of course it was tempting for me to respond, what was great pleasure for him
Once I stayed no contact for a long time, I truly think that my ex experienced the consequences of his decision and maybe feel the absence of his family. By me responding to him, it was a way to boost his ego (made him feel desired), and to assure him I was a “back up option”>
The best way to respond to “breadcrumbs” is to not respond at all. You can take my word….you will not get ANY better while you are in contact with him.
I certainly do feel for his wife
I have tried to make this clear ( maybe in posts you haven’t read)
I want to explain what he has done to both of us, to explain my understanding of my friendship with him, how HE coerced me ( I bet he has made out it was all one sided!!)
But I know this would probably hurt her even more!!!
I can’t do a thing
I am not seeking contact with him but as I have said before, my town is so smAll ghat bumping into him is inevitable!
I need to do gray rock instead of engaging with him!
Elsa
He was discussing very private things with you, and keeping those past? behaviors secret…A CHILD???!!!… more than one? … Keeping his wife in the dark. He is a SCUMBAG.
A CHEATING Scumbag who made babies that he abandoned. NOT in my circle of friends, NOT in my circle of acquaintances, NOT even a moment in my world. Cheating is horrid but what he claims to have done with innocent children… would make it easy for me to chose to feel NOTHING about him.
I wouldn’t give a toss what that kind of SCUMBAG thought or said. He would be invisible to me. I would NEVER engage with him, not eye contact, not acknowledgement of his presence. And if Other community members had a problem with that, I’d know they were either 1) just like him OR 2) gonna agree with me in time (in which case I’d pity them).
Not,
Keep in mind that spaths tailor their predatory techniques to the particular victim. They use whatever will work. If Elsa’s ex spath targeted you, he would use the techniques that work to keep you engaged. Spaths also have a way of feeding us all kinds of unacceptable stuff in a way that we accept it at the time.
I would take whatever a spath says with a grain of salt. It may or may not be true; and it’s helpful to try to recognize what his current motive is for saying whatever he says. Even if his stories about out of wedlock children are true, the salient point is why is he telling his victim? It would be more usual/expected that one would not tell others about out of wedlock children. In most western nations Mom’s can get financial support if they choose to pursue it through the legal system. Paternity can be determined.
The present horror is that he’s saying this stuff, and that’s what spaths do. It may have been part of a set up or story to justify something he was doing or planning to do.
AnnettePK
You are spot on about spaths spinning their webs of deceit. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to decipher what is truth or real. In this case, I don’t think it matters if he made kids or not. What matters is that he said he did.
I write words to try to circumvent and sever Elsa’s emotional attachments… using a horrible TRUTH as he stated it to sever Elsa’s feelings for the man. He is despicable. He’s not good enough to be her friend. If she can see his EVIL, then perhaps she will find her power to disdain his EVIL and not desire or worry or think about him any more.
I found some advice a therapist once gave me and wanted to share it. I always had problems with “closure” of my marriage. And this is what she said to me:
“Your task is to rewrite the story of your broken relationship on your own terms, from a position of greater strength, wisdom and objectivity. Rather than being the one who was left behind, NOW YOU get to decide how to end things on your own emotional terms. You are not the victim any more, put your aggressive energy to work and create your own ending.”
I did create a closure event by stopping all communication. It was my beginning of letting go. I expressed my anger through the no contact and in doing so I asserted myself. At the same time I took his power and control away for ever.
kaya48
What you describe is the same place where I was able to sever my attachment to my husband. By venting my anger via No Contact, I felt empowered. Everytime I deleted his message without listening to him, it felt like I was hanging up on him in the middle of his contempt and ridicule of me. When my divorce was final and no more contact was necessary for court procedures, I took full control over his ability to contact me. I no longer feel ashamed of what he did to me. It was NEVER my shame. It was HIS and I do not carry it anymore.
My husband is handsome and charming. He is still able to fool SOME of the people ALL of the time. He does that by limiting his contact with them. Nothing is changed about him except they know his wife moved thousands of miles away and says NOTHING about him or to him. That chapter of my life is over. I share here, and with my therapist and that’s it. I can’t stop him from lying about me, he’s always lied about me. But what he does and who he does it with does not matter one whit to me. He is PONDSCUM and he chose to be PONDSCUM. And I am happy to realize that I can say these words with no emotional attachment. Pondscum. Fact. And verified by his behavior.
I was victimized but I am NO VICTIM.
whoops kaya48. No edit button. Just wanted to validate your wise words. I create my own story ending. That’s MY closure. I like that thought immensely. Thanks for writing it.
Not
I agree with every one of your so wise words. My ex husband also his handsome and charming and I am sure he will get new supply very easily. Especially if he wear his “godlike mask”. I truly hope that it does not take the new supply 20 years to see his truth. But like you, that is none of my concern.
Like you, I vented my anger through no contact. Yes, you are so right…with every delete button, with every change of my email and phone number, I became more empowered and stronger. And after the final court date, there is no need for him to be a part of my life any longer. He is the one who chose this path, and not me. By all means I am not perfect and I have my faults and weaknesses, but what he did to me crossed every line into evil territory.
For the longest I hoped for an apology or for a closure but it will never come. The only option I had was the no contact, there was no other option.And I learned this here on Lovefraud about 2 years ago. At first I did not think I was strong enough….but I sure was.
Nobody knows about me, I am sure he portrayed me as the crazy ex wife to his colleagues and bosses, but I do not care any more. We never had mutual friends, so it was easy to separate that part of my marriage.
I never was close to his family, they live thousands of miles away, so no loss there.
Life is beautiful now….I am truly blessed in every way. He did not succeed in any of his evil plans.
Remember
I am so happy for you that you had the strength to delete your email address. You will see how empowering it is not to even have access to see what he writes. Now, when he sends an email to you it will be returned as undeliverable. That is YOUR victory.
I called it my emotional safety. We all can learn from experiences, good or bad ones. For me, being abandoned for a young co worker, was horrific. But at the same time it was a learning experience and I was able to draw wisdom out of it. I was finally able to start thinking rationally. Now I think:
“who was he to dictate whether I was desirable or not? I am worth too much to let one persons dismissal of me count for anything. Even if it was Cpt America….in fact Cpt America is a fool for discarding me.
I used to idealize my husband, but now I threw him of his pedestal and for nothing will I ever put him back there. I finally accepted reality.
I hope you can do the same.You are already on your way by taking over control and eliminating ways he can contact you..Congratulations.
Kaya,
Thank you!!
Bottom line is, he disrespected the crap out of me in more ways then one, and I will not reward him for bad behavior by acknowledging him. Go knock your other girls teeth out! (his threat)
I sent an email to the addresses and they came back immediately.
The end.
Remember and TT
I just noticed sometjjng you both said about your last email from the S being march 17…
That was the date my ex last wrote me as well! I blocked him after that. But as i mentioned broke it by unblocking him and he just reappeared this past friday. So we all three heard march 17? That means there’s something out there that triggers them at the same time to Hoover..yikes
JD,
That is funny!
I replied that day and we emailed all day. Yuck. After that he kept on through Mar n April. Last time was April 14….
Anything from now forward, I won’t know!
Jd and Remember,
So funny! That’s the last day I emailed him back. He’s written since then. Soon enough I’ll be free of my email and won’t have to give it another thought! I’m feeling positive about it right now. Have been changing my email address on accounts, etc so I can move forward. Yay! 🙂
Remember
Awesome. This is a good step in your “grieving stage”. My therapist told me that being discarded is almost worse than a death of a loved one. We miss our partner, husband so much….being discarded is like someone withdrawing love from us..like a whole other type of torture. It is like being emotionally murdered , violated and humiliated by your best friend.”
A widow can remember good times, and knows at some level that death is beyond anyone’s control. But for us, as we begin to lift out of grief, we are so focused on vindicating the harsh dismissal of our worth. It is an entire different grief than a widows one. It is torture.
You will see that removing yourself out of this craziness will give your some clarity and truth…something you cannot gain when communicating with him.
I did not know all this while I was grieving and praying for him to come back to his family. Now, looking back I know that God was in control
Yes, it will good for you not to know what he writes. It will give you freedom from the emotional chains he put on you…:)
Hey everyone. Hope you all are doing good. I have not posted in a bit but have been reading all the comments.
It has been 4 weeks and 3 days since the last discard. I have been NC and well, so has he. Except for the time he “misdialed” me. I read a comment the other day about how some days he is in your thoughts more than other and some days he isn’t there at all. That is so the case with me. At the beginning of the discard, it was all that I could think about. Then as the weeks went on, it became less and less. I woke up this morning with him on my mind. I wonder if he was in a dream or something. It has made me think about his face, his voice, his laugh, everything. BUT then I make myself remember all of the lies and deceit. I make myself remember all of the discards and how easy it was for him to put me out of his life. And even though it hurts to remember those things, I have to to continue to move forward. It is the only way.
I have began to surround myself with family and friends. I have started doing this during the week after work, where before, I would not. I have stopped making excuses as to why I cannot go and do something. Now, I say yes and go and do it. One foot in front of the other. I do not like being alone all the time. I do not like sitting at my house by myself all the time. Going and doing and staying active is very important for all of us. Especially the ones in the early stages of recovery from “them”.
So here’s to a great new week. And here’s to our lives!