UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Taralev
Yes, he planned it for a long time. He prepared himself mentally and emotionally to leave you. You did not the same as you were blindsided by him discarding you. Of course it weighs heavy on you. My ex has planned for months to leave. I did not know that. When I was hospitalized for extremely high blood pressure, he changed all bank accounts and left me. Just like that.
You will never get an explanation or an apology, it’s so justified in their eyes. That’s why they are sociopaths. There us no empathy or remorse. Thinking back to this last year when I was thrown away, I would do things so differently. I wouldn’t beg and ask him why. I would serve him with divorce papers they day I found out about the coworker/whore. I waited 3 months to do that. That was 3 months too long. Nobody treats me like a piece if garbage and stays married to me.
I am so grateful for this attorney who encouraged me to file. Who gave me a lot of support. I know attorneys are out to make money, but this was one was absolutely right. When he said “do you want to wait until you are dead to file?
Please listen to us. Please go no contact. Maybe you can do it for one week as a goal. Do you know how much I enjoy now when I see ex begging for contact with us? Which he doesn’t get because I am in control now. He can go to his whore and cry about it. Because it’s too late. My son and I are done.
My fear is I will never get that chance. If I went NC ..what if he never cares again. And never missed me or our life. And I really do become nothing ever. I want to have that chance to tell him no. But I am afraid I will never get it. That he will live his life with his new girl…how could they be in love after 4 months when we had 6 years, …so he gets to be happy and I still cry everyday.
Tara, this is harsh but here it is: he never cared, he will never miss you or your life, and you never were anything – because he is disorder, not normal, and has no capacity to care, miss, love, feel. He is a monster. The relationship you had with him was what you created, just like we all did – it was never real.
You will eventually get it, and we are trying to share our own experiences so that you your pain can be less than ours was.
Continuing to engage with him will not make him care again. It will only destroy you. If you are hanging on to get the chance to tell him no, then you can do that TODAY. Because by refusing to respond to his next text, you will be telling him NO. He will get the message immediately…he will respond by trying harder to get your attention, like a demon writhing with anger. When you don’t respond, you will be telling him NO again and again and again and again.
I know..you are right. It is just not a reality I can face. I am going to start today. and I am going to write everyday I feel like reaching out to him. I have to stop it somewhere. I am not crazy..I am not perfect..but what he did to me was pre-planned. He had met her first…spent xmas and new years with me and the kids…and then Jan31 took off.
Months..and months until mid April said he loved me and was coming home. Until he was caught. He was securing his place with her first. My peace order is over next Wednesday and im terrified he will try to violate me before then because he has already threatened me.
Tara, I am pulling for you! I was so exactly where you are, obsessed. It was destroying me. It went on for months. At some point, I did something different, don’t even know what (I had gone NC instictively and pretty much cold turkey earlier, but couldn’t stop going over and over and over everything in my mind and with everyone who would stand still for a minute). I am here to tell you that the first time I had a minutes peace from my own thoughts, it felt so good that all I wanted to do was recreate it. And little by little, I got control. I came to realize that I no longer had a need to rehash it, figure it out, that what happened had happened and there was no rational explanation because he wasn’t normal.
I had spent months asking the question – who would buy a house with someone when they already had someone else and never planned to move. I thought if I figured that out, it would be the key to everything else. In the end, it didn’t matter – he did it because it amused him and served whatever purpose he had, which I believe was to destroy me. Whatever. It happened. It’s over.
Go for that one minute when you have peace from your own thoughts. Savor it and recreate it.
Your feelings are natural, but they don’t have any meaning to him. You are right that in his eyes you are nothing, but no one is anything to him. Something is wrong with him, not you. Of course he’s not in love with Ms. New Thing. If he was capable of love, he’d be with you. There is nothing wrong with you. I understood this, because I made my first late husband very happy. I was the same person in my second ‘marriage’ to the P, and he had nothing but complaints. He had the same complaints (lies) about me that he had about his first ex wife. I was blessed because it was proven to me that the problems lay with the spath, not me. I still had doubts, blamed myself, desired my exP to care about me, etc.
As much as possible, try to focus on yourself, your life in ways that do not have anything to do with him. You may not get a chance to ‘win’ with him. He may have a long fake relationship with his new thing. Who cares? You will soon be busy doing real things with real people and have real interactions. Real victory is when you don’t care what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with; and you will get there. The first step is to stop responding to him, block his emails, don’t even read them.
This guided relaxation tape with specific suggestions to help break the bond to a psychopath helped me a lot. I listened to it daily for about a year. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
When the temptation to contact him is very strong especially in the beginning, I read a lot about psychopathy and personalities and the women who get into relationships with them. It was a great distraction to curl up with a glass of wine, some dark chocolate, and my laptop or a book, and read about his disorder while ignoring him or being ignored by him. I learned a lot that helped me deal with him and with myself, I learned that there are a other victims who experienced some version of what I experienced, and it was a helpful activity during transition.
Consider writing him a letter telling him what you want to tell him, NOT sending it to him. Share it here with us, or have a private letting go ceremony where you bury it or burn it and scatter the ashes somewhere that has meaning for you. Nothing and nowhere has meaning for him. All the meaning that you brought to the relationship you now take with you. He had nothing, gave nothing, and has nothing.
taralav
Because he has NOTHING to give, this is as good as it gets with him. No opportunities for you, no possibilities, with him no one will love you, with him you will never be cherished.
Without him, ALL is possible. Without him, you can learn to self care and be empowered and you can learn to tell yourself the TRUTH.
TRUTH is: Nobody else can make you be a “somebody”.
TRUTH is: YOU CAN become whatever you choose.
TRUTH is: You can have any success you choose to have.
TRUTH is: If you were with him, HE is what sabotaged and kept you from any real success.
TRUTH is: He would NEVER allow you to be strong and happy.
TRUTH is: He is INCAPABLE of love, and when the new girl learns that, he will find the next dupe.
TRUTH is: Since he has no ability to FEEL, he is incapable of FEELING happy. He can feel negative emotions, such as vindictiveness at ruining another softhearted woman. That type of “win” is not happiness, it’s a form of rage.
I can’t emphasize this enough: No matter what it looks like, They are NOT FEELING happy. They are getting what they want, they are soul destroying. It takes a LOT of rage to destroy a person’s spirit.
BUT… when you think you are seeing happiness, the TRUTH is They are expressing a form of victory. Duping delight. Arrogance. Narcissism. But no.
No feelings of happiness. If they could feel happiness, they would not destroy what makes them happy. TRUTH is, they sabotage and destroy because they are incapable of getting what they see other people can FEEL.
Thank you..i need to keep reading this. I am just so sad inside..i wish I could make it all go away. He brings up all these nice things he did for me..SO WHY DID HE CHEAT. We were best friends..in the whole world I told him everything..i talked to him about everything. I never thought for a second he was cheating. It hit me so hard.
taralav, he cheated because he is a cheater. This is hard for you to comprehend because you’re not, and you’re trying to “fit” what he did into what you would have done instead. Our minds are built to make sense of things, not accept that they don’t “fit.”
He ripped you off because he has low morals. This is hard for you to accept because you don’t.
Be glad you are what you are! In the end, this is all we have. The Life Review Movie….you will want it to play out according to your own morals, not his.
DO NOT beat yourself up because you believed his BS. My ex is such an accomplished liar that when I had to “see the film” in reverse, I just about DIED to accept what he’d sold to me wrapped up in Love Paper, but what the film also showed was my own faithful dedication to his needs and to the dreams I thought were ours both. Is that so bad an illustration of myself? no. But it WOULD be, if the picture went on to show me HELPING him destroy that faithful, dedicated person, right?
Look what a loving, trusting person you are! Have some ice cream and celebrate Yourself, it beats the heck out of being like them. Could you live with yourself, having done what he did to you? Of course not. Now really, who is the problem here? 🙂
kaya48
For what I understand, these types do a little planning (mine was smearing me and had stolen all our equity in our community assets and of course, had several women waiting for him to come to them.) but since they are not emotionally bonded at all, there’s no mental or emotional planning at all. That’s why they can “move on” without conscience.
Taralev
Annette and Hanalei are so right. I did the same as you are doing. It took me a few months to realize that he wants a reaction. He feeds on it. It boosts his ego, it empowers him. He wants to be God. He wanted to hurt me any way possible. But if you change your email and number you take it away from him. So what , if he doesn’t care about the 6 years with you. Obviously he doesn’t. Just like mine. 20 plus years and I was history. And I don’t care who he is in love with. Remember they cannot love. It’s just an infatuation for sex. The new woman is just fresh and more exciting to him now. Everything will be routine and she will be replaced eventually for a fresher , newer, more exciting supply. It’s not love, it’s just a sick game. I exited the game and I am so good now.
You will be ok. Trust me. I thought him leaving was the end of the world. Instead it was the beginning of a new better life for me. I should have not waited 20 years. But that’s ok. It’s in the past. Try to stay strong and think if yourself only.
Consider that the Biblical description of Satan is that he wants to be God (Isaiah 14:13-14). My preteen son first remarked that my ex P “wanted to be God.” I started seeing it that way, too. For those of us who believe in a spirit world, it’s a strong motivation to stay away from these spaths if they have a connection to the dark side, to evil.
Taralav, you are in the painful place and OMG does it hurt. But it won’t forever unless you carry on with contact.
You do know why he left you. Because he’s a psychopath. They love-bomb to suck you in to use you for something then, cheat, lie and deceive you. Then they dump you and sh*t all over you. Then they torture you as dumping you is not exciting enough. Then they call you crazy.
That is the pattern of a psychopath’s romantic relationship. Not quite the same as those fairy tale stories. But hey, it makes good drama for them. If you let it.
You cannot fix a broken man but he can break you. Remember that and keep repeating it to yourself.
Only in the last day or so I’ve been communicating with the lovely Stargazer. A woman with a heart of gold. After 48 years I came to realise my mum has a disorder. I was tortured by not knowing why she did what she did or didn’t do what she should have done. Now I feel so much better because in have an answer. It wasn’t about me, it was about her. Her disorder. Even tonight I spoke to her on the phone and yet again her total disinterest in me was fully in my face and no interest to help me with post traumatic stress from childhood into adulthood.. This time she was projecting her lack of care for me onto my partner. This time I didn’t get mad with her instead I thought “that is typical of her disorder”. I now want to start to recognise her disordered behaviours as part of my learning of disordered people. It will help heal me.
You need to consider doing the same. You need to recognise he is disordered. You need to keep learning about psychopathy and you will understand that he is the one that isn’t normal, IT IS HIM, it isn’t you.
I’m going to be working hard in reminding myself about this with my mum. It is the reason for my abuse, my half sister continues to be the golden child and I continue to be the scapegoat. In mums world, not in mine. I’m a worthy human being like you. We are normal and only will be a victim of these people if we choose to be. I was born normal and I want to return to a normal and healthy life. It will be testing for me and emotional for me to keep reminding myself that mum does what she does because she is disordered. But that is reality and I must recognise it for my own sake and to stop trying to get my mum to give me the love and care I think she should give me. Because she can’t.
He can’t give it to you because a psychopath cannot love. Accept it. He was a mistake. For everyone he meets.
It is the most painful I have ever been thru. To feel so worthless and no answers. Even when I ask him why he responds with something totally unrelated to what ive asked. Like he just wont directly answer. I do sit up at night and read things online about the disorder. I don’t why it wont click. Why im so desperate for a answer that will never come
Taralav,
I’m so sorry for you. I’m just coming out of that same place.
I finally realized that, while I don’t get the answers I want, I do get a consistent pattern from my husbands distorted brain. When I move away, he comes after me but when I turn to him for answers, he blames me, makes excuses of lies. It’s always the same.
While he’s not who I believed he was, he is exactly who he revealed himself to be after the mask was removed. He is consistent. Bizarre, jacked up, disordered but consistent. He always reacts opposite of me, to throw me off. Now, he and I rarely communicate because IVE GOT HIS NUMBER. I understand that he will never give me answers. So I took my power back and quit asking. He will never give me the truth, so I took away his control by not expecting it.
The easiest way to do this was to, in my mind, remove myself from the situation and from the emotion. I was stuck in a false reality. It was fiction. My life with him was only real in my mind. So I considered how I would react if this was happening to one of my children or a friend. I would be repulsed, just like I am when I read the awful stories of our friends on LoveFraud. But the truth is, that is your life and my life. We were living in an absurd, abusive, harmful reality with someone who had evil intent. We did that! Our fantasy of a sweet family that loved each other and were bonded by that love….that was not real. Only in our heads.
The hardest part for me has been the lack of nurturing from him. He always put on a great show and everyone thought he adored me. But all of his ladies think he adores them also. It wasn’t real. The connection I thought we had was an illusion.
The longer I focused on what I wished it could be, the good things I missed, the love I thought we had…..the sicker I became. I’m sure you can relate. You are not crazy, but you are mentally exhausted by the conflict in your mind. Your brain can’t live in two realities at one time. Once I accepted the fact that a normal person would not behave this way and that the life I had was over, I began to get better. And of course, Prozac helped. Haha.
Tara, the grief you are feeling is at it’s peek. I read a great suggestion from the book “Toads and Women who Love Them”. She suggested to make a music playlist with at least eight sad, lost love songs on it. When you have an overwhelming moment of grief, put that playlist on and cry like a baby. Scream, holler, hit your pillow and grieve. Then when the playlist is over, have another playlist of uplifting, “I will survive” type songs on it. After the grief moments, put the uplifting playlist on and listen to it for at least 20 minutes. It’s a good way to work through the pain, but not to waller in it.
I’m glad that you are seeking advise, writing about your feelings and also that you are allowing yourself to go through the pain. I’m so sorry that it hurts so bad. Keep on moving through it and it will get better. Your brain is processing it, it just takes time. Hugs
HopingToHeal.
What a lovely response.
Great music therapy idea.
and I have to get that book, “Toads and the Women who love them”.
This is a wonderful address of an agonizing issue.
BELIEVE it. ACCEPT it. This experience is not one of those we’re supposed to be courageous enough to change, it’s in the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change” category instead.
For those of us who are better at attacking a problem than accepting that some things can’t be solved, it’s an added effort to turn away. Please know you’re not alone! My own mental team of horses wants to run there too, to go back and somehow “figure it out,” but it’s not a safe place for them or for me.
Here’s an inner image to take back with you: Turn those horses around no matter how much effort it takes, and run the other way as fast as you possibly can. SAVE YOURSELF! and if you don’t care enough about yourself anymore, then save that inner team of horses — they are yours to protect! and they will run wherever you guide them to go — so take them someplace safe and AWAY from him, whether your “heart is in it” just yet, or not.
After 30 long, hard years, my ex pronounced that “It is what it is,” told me he was an “artificial husband” who had never bonded to me or our children, and admonished me not to waste any more of his life. (This just so happened to coincide with his inheriting a bunch of money, right?) The ONE thing I have to hang onto is that I went shopping, cleaned my home one more time –and then left him for good.
Now he’s trying to figure out how to stretch a $10 salary to cover his champagne tastes, and urging me to “reconcile” since “we need eachother.” Right, he needs me the way a parasite needs a host, and I need him the way I need an attack of the measles.
I’m hoping that Donna is gratified to see that while she received a “taste of the unthinkable” there are others out here that she’s reaching and assisting, whose encounters with these monsters were not years-long but decades, involving children, in-laws and extended family commitments.
It’s a NIGHTMARE to stop those horses, turn them around, and re-inspire them to run just as fast in the opposite direction — but daylight is THAT WAY! and all that lies behind is the forest of confusion, doubt, misery and grief. But don’t take my word for it: go back for a visit — nothing will have changed, except that your inner horses will be stamping and snorting to get away and bear you to safety. Once you have “Seen It,” so have they, so never again will they trot sweetly along as though mindless of the hazards ahead.
It really is natural for you to feel like you do. People are not supposed to act like he acts. That’s why we’re not supposed to lie and cheat, because it hurts others.
Try not to worry about how you ‘should’ feel. Maybe focus on how you ‘do’ feel and how you’d like to feel, and how to get there from where you are.
There are no shortcuts through it that I’m aware of. We all do the best we can with what we know. You are experiencing a great loss, and it’s natural to grieve. It’s only the disordered who can walk away without a second thought. It’s ultimately a good thing that you’re not that kind of person.
Remember you have value, you are a good person, you are capable of engaging in a healthy relationship. You brought those qualities to the relationship and you take them with you when he leaves you. Your good character and giving nature have nothing to do with him; and he doesn’t appreciate you nor value you. Only give of yourself to those who appreciate you, value you, and deserve you. Once we know these evil disordered spaths exist, we can be empowered to avoid them, and save our time and energy for those who deserve us.
SER and Hanalei
Wow. The shower. My ex also started taking showers after he came home from his cop night shifts. Usually he just went to sleep. When I asked him “aren’t you tired, why are you taking a shower?” His answer was “oh, I have to get the jail smell of me”. Ha , yeah right. It was her smell that he wash of. I later found out that he did not even work his shift. Instead they both took a vacation day. And when they worked their shift together, of course he had to wash of the sex smell. How disgusting. They are all the same. Taralev will soon recognize it and will start to heal. Once I saw his true face it was much easier. My biggest shock was looking at his financial statement in court proceedings. He spent his entire income on cruises, dinners , jewelry, tattooes , sex toys and strip clubs. He was living it up. No care in the world about his 18 year old son. No care about his college tuition and how we would make it financially. He only cared about himself and his whores. And I don’t want a liar like him. Never ever again will I look at him.
SER
My ex (almost as we are awaiting final judgement) was an alcoholic also. When I asked him not to drink so much he would say “I have to drink so much so I can put up with your craziness “. I was blamed even for his drinking. Our stories are almost identical, it is so scary how we are all living nightmares. A lady from my church asked me the other day “how did you live like this for 20 years?” Today I don’t know how I did it. I truly thought it was the normal. Deep down I knew this was wrong but I never admitted it. My marriage counselor said the best life my ex could make for himself is to never have a relationship again. Just use his whores for sex. I totally agree.
kaya..I did not realize yours was an alcoholic, too. It is just another dysfunction of their disordered personalities. I have found that they never have just one thing going on…it’s multiple disorders and addictions.
I agree with your counselor about him not ever having a relationship again, but that will never happen. These men always have to have someone around. Actually, they are very weak. WE are the strong ones!
SER,
Yes, you are so right. We are the strong ones. Indeed he was an alcoholic but never admitted to it. He covered it up nicely with his nightshifts and cop status. He also said everyone is useless and an idiot. Of course he wanted to be worshipped and I think these little co workers , who called him
Cpt America, probably told him how sexy and hot he is. And that’s all it took. I used to call it midlife crisis but it wasn’t. I am sure he cheated on me for a very long time. Bring deployed with the army for sometimes up to a year or more gave him plenty of opportunity. There were so many female soldiers, I am sure he had a big variety to chose from. And then after he retired came the little cop women. That’s when he got caught. He became so sloppy and careless. It was almost funny to listen to his lies when I had proof. Then he would say ” well I have to lie to you because you are mental “. I used to apologize to him when I caught him in a lie. How ridiculous is that ? Now that I am in control it’s all different. And like you, I not interested in any new relationship. How could I ever trust someone again. For this moment I am happy by myself with my son living at home and attending college. I don’t want to complicate my life again. It’s so peaceful at the moment. Why mess it up?
Taralev
You will never get an answer. No sense of asking him. By you asking him you are giving him power and control over you. That’s what he likes and that’s what feeds him. Don’t ask him. We all might sound very harsh. But it’s the truth. You are asking for more pain he can inflict in you. I used to email my ex asking him “why did you have to destroy this marriage”? His answer was “I didn’t , I left because if you”. Then he got what he wanted. Me crying hysterically and me questioning my self worth.
So don’t go there. Let him be. Let him be with the other woman. I know it is the most painful thinking you have ever experienced. It gets better. But you have to let him go. I focused a lot on a God during those difficult times. And now I see that he had a plan for me. You will look back one day and say “wow , they were right”. Untilgbar you get there have no cobtact with him. I really lesende my lesson when I was served with an injunction. Don’t go there. It’s not worth it. He gets enjoyment out if torturing you and that’s just plain evil. Don’t communicate with the devil.
Kaya, mine said basically the same thing when I asked him why he was destroying the dream we had together. That it was because of me, and “remember this…my dream has been destroyed too”. Such blatant emotional manipulation.
He had no dream. He had already moved on to his new primary relationship and I was just a source of supply that had been exhausted (since he had already set me up to lose everything) and was of minimal use to him…unless I reacted as usual and fed him with my reaction.
Because his last email to me was so cruel, and I was on the brink of financial ruin, I got to work saving myself and never wished to hear from him again. The few times he tried, I ignored him and he stopped. All I wanted was to survive, and extricate myself financially. I think I instinctively knew he was dangerous to me, and I avoided him like the plague.
There is a reason that everyone preaches no contact. It cuts off their supply. Mine went relatively quickly, because in my mind, his new victim was very juicy pickings. He was getting the high of bringing her into the family, making all her dreams come true and creating a new image for himself of her prince charming. I am thankful for that.
Tara, every time you respond it’s like handing heroin to an addict – you make him come back for more. Trying to figure out why he didn’t answer the question you asked, and questioning him just lets him know you’re twisted up and miserable and that is what he wants. I’m a broken record – change your number, change your email address, etc. Then get to work on you. Being able to reject him to get satisfaction will never work – they will always win. He has tricks you haven’t seen and can’t even imagine. Don’t make him use them.
HanaleiMoon
OH…
“He has tricks you haven’t seen and can’t even imagine. Don’t make him use them.”
SO TRUE.
I thought the last years of my marriage were a nightmare. But wait, there’s MORE. There was much more and the crap keeps on coming.
Tavalav doesn’t get it yet. She needs NEW needs, needs that are better and more valuable than the ones she has settled for. I understand her desires, she just doesn’t seem to realize that… “Thank God for unanswered prayers”!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, yes, yes, the mind F###’s just keep coming. I will be forever grateful that he went too far and I just shut down.
HopingtoHeal, you make a great point about the mental exhaustion. That is where Tara is, and she can’t think. It took my therapist a while to get that idea through my thick skull, but I get it now. There is no way to think, or make good choices when you are so twisted up mentally and emotionally. For me, it was counterinutitive to let it sit – I am a problem solver (with a hammer if need be) by nature. But it works, and again like I said earlier, getting just one minute of mental relief is so luxurious and healing, that if you can get it that first time, you will continue to do what it takes to get it.
Yep. I recognize Taralav in myself. In fact, my real name here on LF is “ThickSkullThinSkin” because my poor therapist had a huge job getting it through my head that HE was the psycho problem, not me.
Once upon a time I was in a car accident and hit the windshield. I got amnesia. When I became self aware again, my room mate had taped up answers all over our apartment. I had driven her crazy wandering all over our apartment asking the same questions.
I know Taralav’s cortisol hormone is stuck on the pour mode. It is just pouring into her and in fight or flight, we react not with logic but with what we think will stop the anxiety. We are unable to be fully conscious and we go in circles. It’s why I started journaling the answers to my lamentations about my husband, because I kept asking the same things, crying about the same things. So instead of going over the same things again, I just read what I’d already written and Had FORGOTTEN.
Hanelie
The last paragraph you said is so right! It’s dead on. When the sociopath sends a text msg or calls you and you are still trying to pick up the pieces of your life that they have stolen from you it is giving them exactly what they want. Even if you reply with “LEAVE ME ALONE or STOP CALLING ME!” Basically they feel they have won. You responded to them (after not having responded to them for a while) makes them think “they finally responded, I have broken them down, what else can I do now?” It’s sick but it is how distorted people think.
They bait you with you your weaknesses or something else they can use against you. They just dangle the bait and wait for you to bite. As soon as you do – they try to reel you in. It’s so exhausting.
SocioSugar, yes! Any response feeds them and encourages them, and only brings us more pain.
It is a terrible cycle and one that is so hard to break out of, because we keep searching for answers and wanting to make things right. There is no making right with them. In my case, the entire relationship was for his amusement, what served and suited him, and when I was out of sight, at work, or tending to my own responsibilities, he was off living another life as if the relationship didn’t exist. They will do anything to get what they want, up to and including leading you to financial ruin, insanity and suicide.
Avoidance is the only salvation.
Not what
You stated it so correctly. Very well written. I can attest to it they I never knew what cure happiness was until I was discarded by him. Now I know. He wanted me to suffer, to think I am mentally ill, to think I am worthless and ugly, to think I am fat and old, not sexy enough . It’s an endless list. Why would I want a person in my life who wants me to feel like that ? For what? Taralev, please read this over and over what Not said. Please read this whenever you feel like answering his crap.
Their definition of us is based on shaming us. Taking our NORMAL vulnerabilities and using them to shame us.
The article about shame addresses this a little but I LOVE Brene Brown’s response about Shame.
Once I resolved my shame issues, I knew my ex would NEVER be able to control me ever again.
Poor Taralav is trying to feel some kind of control over his crazy making. There is no controlling his crazy, that’s why it’s known as CRAZY making! Taralav will be much better when she gets to the place of knowing that cutting him off from harming her is a much greater feeling of control and victory than trying to make a man feel remorse when he has NO ability to FEEL.
How he could do this Taralav? It’s because he has NO CONSCIENCE.
Wow! All of you make me feel so normal. Finally a group of people that totally understand what I’ve been through because your stories are my story. Thank you all for sharing your pain and confusion, although it hurts and I feel for you all, I also feel a liberation from the craziness that I’d lived with for 14 years.
None of my friends get it! They see this charming and attentive husband that “ALWAYS” says the right thing when we’re together in public… if he hadn’t slept with my friends (now ex friends) he’d conned them into believing he was this fabulously devoted husband and father – we were all conned! Even with all the proof I have shown some of them, they still argue with me and I feel they side with him…I’ve started keeping my mouth shut with some people and pray for the day that the criminal investigation goes public just so they know I wasn’t the liar…sad situation for all of us!
Once again thank you all for making me feel less alone in all this and while I’ll still keep my sense of humor I feel like I can drop my guard in this group and finally speak my truth and be heard ♥
You are definitely NORMAL! Narcissist and sociopaths have a way of making us feel crazy. THATS WHAT THEY DO! They not only invented it – they mastered it. I remember times thinking to myself “maybe I am wrong, maybe it is my fault”. But that of thinking was years ago, and I know I did nothing to deserve any of the things the sociopath has done to me.
It’s so strange how the sociopath can make you feel like the world is coming to the end and everyone is gonna blame you for it. Do you know what I mean? But then when the storm has calmed down, you realize nobody thinks anything but you, the sociopath convinced you of what their reality is. It is not real tho. The sociopath told me I was jealous and insecure and unstable. And even stated to others on public blog post and social media sites that I was insecure and a stalker. (using my first and last name, even my maiden name – just so if anyone searched my name on google or whatever search engines – that the most awful things would come up). I realize no that everything the sociopath accused me of, that she was actually doing those things to me. I.e. Stalking, character assassination, spreading lies about me. Also everything she said that I was (jealous, insecure, unstable) she actually was. She was projecting all of that on me, because she was afraid people would take notice of how crazy she was acting and she would be exposed. It’s all been hell..
But I can say I have learned from my mistakes. And I am stronger for all I have been through. There was a time when I felt so weak I thought I was doomed to be miserable forever. But today I actually feel at peace and I no longer retaliate when I hear she is saying more lies. I can’t control what she says. I can only control how I react to it
Sociosugar
You are spot on! You can only control how you react to it…
I’ve come far enough in this journey to learn the truth and the truth has set me free! I’m no longer the insults I was accused of being, I know exactly who I am and that self worth gives me strength.
Yesterday my spath lost it over a simple question and started on how twisted my mind thinks. I was able to respond as the person I was when we met…FINALLY! My response was immediate and not thought through, I wasn’t on guard nor was I protecting our relationship on any level as I’d done in the past – I’m still proud of my reaction – I smiled at him and said; “oh I’m sorry, I only just realised how good you make me look as a person each time you over-react to a simple question! ” he was horrified = the balance of power has certainly shifted!
I second the gratitude of Ironic. I appreciate all of the stories here.
Taralav is so hurt, as are we all, but she doesn’t realize that his rejection is the best way for this to go down. He truly has a personality disorder. Unfortunately, although not officially diagnosed, I think my husband suffers from what is called The Dark Triad of Cluster B personality disorders. He still, even though he is in a relationship with someone else, tells me loves me and calls me baby and sweetheart. Always is planning a move to get one up on some woman or at work. He has way too much power and I suppose is one of the most intelligent, clever people I’ve ever met. Unfortunately, he uses those gifts to serve the enemy of good.
Finally, he has lost interest in me. While it is hurtful after 23 years, it helps me have NC. Taralav, none of us are saying that you shouldn’t want to talk to him, we are saying that you have to choose logic over emotion. You can’t talk to him. You have to protect yourself. He will use everything he has to manipulate you, because although he’s moved on, he still wants control. It satisfies his sadistic narcissistic need to feel important.
If he’s like my Spath, nothing is off limits.
Mine has used guilt, begging, fake fear of me, fear inflicted, threats of possible criminal retaliation from his cohorts, death threats supposedly on me, his own threatened suicide, anger, LoveBombing,sex, ignoring, slander, accusations of mental illness, therapist, the church, friends, his job, another woman, many other women, our families, our kids, God and the Bible to try to sway me one way or another..
And I allowed it, ….because I thought he would change and choose me. That won’t happen. I thought he loved me. But when I began to understand his disorder, I realized that I had to protect myself and my family. If he’d do these horrible things, he can’t love at all.
I’m scared of him. And we never know exactly what these people will do. That’s why everyone tells you NC, Taralav. Because, we NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY WILL DO.
Any contact with him is encouragement for him to hurt you emotionally. You will not feel better until you stop letting him rub salt in the wound of your heart. Be scared, be mad, but be done with him.
Thank you all for caring so much not what hanili all of you are such good people, Bally..who am I forgetting. I am trying I really am. He sent me a message today before I left work. .he said “cmon don’t forget all the things I did for you breakfast in bed helped.you raise your son took care of you””. Hes bringing up good traits he had. What for..he could do anything nice.but he was cheating. He was telling his coworkers he was a single da
I am crusged by a love and life I thought was my future. He is moved on..in a blink of a eye. I loved him but more than that he was my best friend. We talked about everything and were partners. I miss that more then anything. Hes now building that with her and I.cant understand why. Why I never knew he was leading a double life. I am just tired of the pain. Im on prozac now because I was . helpless.
My prayers still include him realizing and they shouldn’t include him
Dear taralav
When I was finding out what I had married, I prayed a certain prayer:
Dear God, Please open my eyes to the truth, and give me the strength to bear it. (second part most important.)
Please tara, pray for you. In the end of this mess, you are the one that matters. The world NEEDS people who are able to love in this world, otherwise we are stuck with soul suckers.
Ugh breakfast in bed. That makes up for it all. More manipulation. Mine used to bake me bread, and one time he sliced up lemons and limes and floated them in the bathtub for me. I used to feel really sad at that thought that no one had ever done that for me and probably won’t again. But you know, it wasn’t really that great.
Once, after a discard, he kissed up to me and took me to an outdoor concert under the stars of someone I idolized. We were wrapped up together in a blanket and I was feeling very good to be with him until he whispered in my ear – “see, you’d never get to do anything like this if you weren’t with me”. Ruined the whole thing.