UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Good for you! Keep putting one foot in front of the other….
TT,
You can do it, all in steps, bit by bit as you are ready. It took me a week to start and prepare. It IS RIDICULOUS that dating these people is not a regular breakup, and it hurts, and is inconvenient…
I read his last 2 emails to mr today, I forward them to my email. I do that incase anyone wants proof! Haha. The emails were sweet, about our one year mark. So nice. Well, his words don’t match his shady lying disorder nor the way he flips out over normal relationship concerns.
I can’t reward that behavior. Maybe he has forgotton how he behaved to me. I didn’t.
Been running that tape.
You can do it, and you have your cheerleaders here for support!
Thanks, Remember. I don’t know why this has me so down today.
When you downloaded your accounts did it save emails too? There’s a ton of “proof” from stalker #1 I need in case things escalate again….If I had to save that all it would take weeks….
TT
this has you down today because it brings back a flood of “good” memories, we are normal and we have empathy even though these things weren’t real”i would be exactly where you are, i so understand you”I’m up and down as well hon
Friends,
It pains me to admit this, but I have failed. I’m so ashamed in myself. I broken NC with him by communicating via email. And worse? I contacted him. I am feeling so down and disappointed in myself. I was doing so good! It’s amazing how fast the breaking NC brings me back to the place of obsessive thoughts and not wanting to eat, etc. What was I thinking?
I’m still planning on getting rid of my email by my birthday Friday. Bought a new flash drive today. I know I won’t get any answers but my last email today laid everything out for answers. I want to know how he responds. What does it even matter? In his last email he talked so cold and calmly about how he lost his “forever” and thinks about it everyday but that I’ve built some “picture” in my mind about what happened between us and what he is. Basically, he can’t have me because I’m crazy. No emotion, whatsoever.
Remember, I know…run the tape!!! I did! What am I thinking??? Why do I want to get a response from him?
Thistooshallpass…….HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!
Please do NOT beat yourself up over this…do NOT feel shame because of this. It’s not easy to break the emotional bond the sociopath created.
Your not the first to break the no contact rule, we all have broke no contact…it does get easier because you learn a valuable lesson when you do = they have not changed = they are still manipulative = still evil = still cold hearted people.
Day 1 of No contact starts today 😉
______________________________________________________________________________
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!
CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY IN A SPECIAL WAY!!!
Thistoo,
Awwww. It’s ok, you’re only human!
This is serious stuff we have been going through, because we have feelings! Don’t beat yourself up. I wish we didn’t have to go through this stuff, but there is growth on the other side of it.
What he said to you about he can’t be with you or whatever bc of your idea of him blablabla…it’s only to get you reeling again.
If at first you don’t succeed….dust yourself off and try again!
TT
do not blame yourself…we all do it, i just did it as well!! i know how hard it is…its like you just want to get one last thing in to tell him..in my case anyway.
i understand everything you are feeling but jan 7 made a good point, and it goes for me as well…its ok that we broke the NC because it just proves they haven’t changed..they are mean, evil and rotten to the core..this is what it proves and in a way breaking the NC can get us angrier when we find this out about them and it just gets us back up on our feet to start it again…i hope you see it that way as well..i am in the boat with you <3
Jan7, Remember, jd and kaya,
I need your help!
First, thank you ALL for your encouragement. I feel like shit but I am happy to say I’M DONE!!!! He just emailed me….He said many things. So much f’in word salad. Blech. This is my favorite part and I’m going to break it down for you:
“I’m so so so very sorry, but after all you have been through in your life, all the trauma, bi-polar cycle, PTSD, concussions, medications with very serious side effects, having a psychiatrist who trusts you so much that he almost lets you self diagnose, and no access to a Psychologist for the type of counseling you wanted, is it not remotely possible that maybe, just maybe, at least one of these is influencing how you feel about and remember things?”
1. “I’m so so so very sorry” — I expressed in my last email to him that any signs of emotion or remorse would be appreciated.
2. Yes, I had a traumatic childhood that I have worked my ass off on and have sought counseling on for years! I was finally in an awesome place before meeting my spaths back to back.
3. “Medications with very serious side effects” — I’ve been on a small dosage of a mood stabilizer for years as a preventative measure. After spending the holidays with him I felt horrible! It was too much time with him. He exhausted me and put me on a roller coaster ride I didn’t want to be on. I decided to up my meds after the New Year (very slightly). I started feeling better and calling him out on stuff. I figured out I was in yet another abusive relationship. Enter in the “serious” side effects”2 months after we broke up he said it was because I upped my meds. According to him they made me hyper sensitive to what he was doing, insecure and way more paranoid. When in fact, upping the meds made me stronger.
3. I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist for the past 16 years. He diagnosed me with PTSD and bipolar when I was 20. Roughly 3 years ago he told me he didn’t believe I was bipolar and that he was wrong because people don’t typically go so many years without cycling. I was diagnosed with celiac disease almost 7 years ago and haven’t cycled since. I strongly feel that it’s possible my “bipolar” was a result of the trauma I experienced for years. Not sure what he means by “having a psychiatrist who trusts you so much that he almost lets you self diagnose”?
4. I talked about finding a counselor outside of the women’s shelter last fall but decided against it. I started seeing my counselor there when #1 began his stalking/death threats last summer. I’m still seeing her to this day. At the time I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing and weighing my options. I told him I decided to stay with her because she knows the ins and outs of these men and has helped me tremendously. Aka, his reaction is that I’m getting poor advice and I’m sure he knows that my counselor has figured him out (she has).
5. “is it not remotely possible that maybe, just maybe, at least one of these is influencing how you feel about and remember things?” — aka, everything I remember is wrong…his words, actions, experiences, everything!!! And better yet, professionals are “influencing” me.
This is maddening!!!! Thank GOD I didn’t move in with him. He was pressuring me to buy a house in March. We broke up at the end of January. He said when we lived together he wanted me to save everything I made and wanted to put his name on my house. I bet my money would’ve gone into his account, I would never see it again and he would trap me and then convince others and myself how crazy I am!!!!!
My ex best friends and others won’t even believe me now. He’s already convinced them I’m crazy. They’re HIS friends now. Good thing for me I have my family and childhood friends that KNOW who I really am and what HE IS. I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come despite the challenges in my life. I am resilient, I have prevailed and I will continue to prosper. I will NOT ALLOW HIM TO BRING ME DOWN!!!
Sorry this is so long. I am soooooooo upset right now. Ran the tape, running it and rerunning it”.the message only gets worse. I am the master of my own fate, I am the captain of my soul. NOT HIM.
One more thing…FUCK him for using my past for his gain. Good and bad, my past has made me who I am and I love myself because of all I’ve been delt.
TT,
It’s textbook spath like they say….he takes all the things he knows about you and uses them in a way against you.
Typical.
It really doesn’t even matter if we went crazy because of all their crazy making behaviors over n over again! I did friggn go crazy being with a sociopath!
This does give you more proof to get you mad enough to cut it all off! We won’t ever get the apologies or answers to it all…
At least you got a reminder.
Eventually, you can just read articles to get your confirmations on him. That’s what I do. It helps. I never told him all the things I figured out after or asked the people I could have, and that was the hardest part in letting go…not letting him know. It’s uncomfortable at moments, but getting better.
I guess my mild mood stabalizer has helped also.
It will get better, I believe it to be true!
🙂
Oh, and his mention of concussions…that’s the result of working with behavioral kids. I had 4 concussions in a year. I’ve been concussion free for almost 3 years now!
If you look at my history, no wonder it’s easy for him to convince people!!
Dear LORD, I am a mess right now!!!! I know I’m not crazy though! I know my truth. Why is he trying to make me feel crazy??!!!!
Remember,
I was so much better. I was able to give advice on how distancing myself helped. I feel like I’ve tortured myself by doing this. What result did I plan on? This? As further affirmation??
His response isn’t normal, right? I mean, if he were the nice guy he claims to be and everyone believes him to be, he wouldn’t write that, right? What if this is all in my head?
I’m all over the place. I can’t stop crying. Holy hell. I KNOW I’m not crazy. This is like the battle of the minds!!!!
TT,
See how you feel- that’s EXACTLY what they want! I knew when I made one remark about the past he quick swiftly turned it all around! He isn’t reeling right now, #2. They love to get us going. They know ALL the right buttons to push!!!!!!
It’s ok. You will be ok. Go beat that doll against the wall!
I have!
Remember, this too shall pass.
It does hurt though. It’s insanity at it’s finest.
You will be ok. ONE minute at a time.
Breathe.
Thistooshallpass,
It’s all about Power & Control for them hon. Remember that, he is messing with your mind to have power & control over you right now.
Take your power back right now!!
He is an assh*le for messing with your mind especially this week. He is pure evil.
Take a deep breath & sigh….& start to reread everything at the top of LF under the red/gray tab and watch every video Donna has created up there too. This will open your mind and program it so that you dont contact him again. Also read everything on psychopathawareness.wordpress. com.
You are a normal human being who has compassion, love, kindness in your heart and he does not have any emotion what so ever. This is why he can write such a mean evil email back to you.
Their pure coldness it’s jarring….his email has zero empathy for what you have gone through especially what he a sociopath has put you through.
It is very very common for victims of a sociopath to push someone over their emotional edge…they do this for fun. So this is where you have to find your strength to not let him control your mindset right now. This is why it is a good idea to reread everything that Donna has posted at the very top of this site.
PTSD is exactly what happens to every victim of a sociopath. The stress of their craziness & drama is too much for a normal persons mind.
I am so glad that you came here today to tell us what is going on in your life and for you asking for help. THIS is a huge step….
Remember you can also call your countries national domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor any time in the USA 800-799-SAFE other countries just google for the number.
HUGS to you!!! 😉
Thistooshallpass,
Read Donna’s post “Why do psychopaths want to mess with your head?:
Look on the main page left side just a few post from this post we are chatting on….it will remind you he is playing a mind game with the email he sent you.
Thank you Remember and jan7!!! You are helping to bring me out of my insanity. That’s what I feel. My head is spinning!!!!
He’s never used my past against me until now. I expected his response would be unpredictable but I didn’t imagine this.
Remember, Breathe. Thank you, my counselor actually helped me figure out I don’t breathe when I’m upset like this. Your message has made me present in my breathing. One day at a time. I will get past this.
Jan7, him messing with me this much especially this week….it took me a second. You’re right! It’s my Bday week!! Why wouldn’t he go to town and break me down???
“Their pure coldness it’s jarring”.his email has zero empathy for what you have gone through especially what he a sociopath has put you through.”
If he really cared about me, he would not have used my past against me. Proof in his email, right there. I needed that. Thank you.
I’m going to call my counselor and leave a message. It helps me more than the hotlines at this point. She always gets back to me the next day and I feel comfort in our relationship.
THANK YOU for helping me. I’m less dizzy now and finding my ground. I know I can do this. Fuck contacting him. I already downloaded my email account and it’s ready to go on my flashdrive as soon as I can figure it out. That may be a project for tomorrow. I need rest. Feel like I’ve been hit by a fast moving train.
“I can’t possibly understand how terrifying and angry it must make you when I say something is in your head. The things you remember are based on reality so it feels very real and close to you, but its not the complete picture. I’m afraid that you will get close but forever struggle with connecting the dots.”
ARGGHHH. What the hell is that?!!!!
Okay, I’m done reading his shit. Just had to get that last blurb out.
I hate him for doing this to me. I didn’t believe in hate until my spaths. I hope I can someday find peace in all of this.
I will not read his email again, I will not read his email again, I will NOT take this anymore!!!!!
TT,
That’s because he is a train wreck!!!
Rest, breathe, he isn’t worth any reply. That’s what I did. I went grey rock, and then never wrote back again.
You can do it! And like they said…
read and read again. It’s our psycho bible.
It’s ok….
🙂
TT,
His emails n old texts are all over the place as in, the old texts I saved to the google drive, and emails, I would forward. Since I changed addresses so many times some emails didn’t make it, but alot did. You may be able to send them to your drive. I don’t have apple so mine is an android and I use google drive. Also don’t forget, you can save all on a flash drive too.
It is upsetting.
TT
oh yes i know that anxiety feeling all too well”ANYTHING will trigger it. the smallest thing and this isn’t a small thing!! i too would be bothered by the reminder, especially since i am trying so hard, but like you said it isn’t her fault”lets just hope he isn’t going to see your email address on there”
i think though, if you go into your settings, you may be able to pick and choose from your contacts who you want blocked and who you don’t”i know i can do that”maybe its the same for you?
there is always going to be something on the computer that may lead to you, through a friends email, on google you may be accessible, who knows what else..i have also double checked by looking myself up and there unfortunately, are ways, if they are smart”hopefully they don’t go that far, but beginning with the email is the first step!! yes you can do it!
Remember
thank goodness it was you doing the ending”because i would have said if he had done it then, theres a big red flag”that would be he wants to make you miserable on xmas day..
i had mentioned the other day i heard from mine because i stupidly unblocked him”he emailed me with complete love bombing and promises of being in touch over the wkd”all the while insulting his wife (which is probably the biggest fault that makes it clear he is what he is!)”
yes i responded, telling him he is full of sh** and not to make promises that he is married etc”.he was so gung ho on getting together (for about the 4th time on and off since xmas) in the upcoming months promising the world but when i didn’t hear back it proved what i already had been through with him many times now”you know the hoover, discard business
today he responded and told me in response to my message telling him all the things he wants is impossible with me, and he went on to say that i know him better than he knows himself and he doesn’t understand or know what he does or why says the things he says to me or about his wife, making promises to get together.. that its impossible to see one another anytime in the near future and he is very busy with work..communication will be not possible because of this”and maybe contact should end..
i had to laugh because he thinks its ME who wants this”really??? uh i don’t remember telling him that!
but i also wonder, what is up with admitting that he doesn’t understand why he does what he does?? is this all part of his game you think?
i did tell him that contact must end and he needs to stop seeking me out..
JD,
OMG it’s such bullshit it’s all a game they turn it all around. He just wants a reaction out of you. It’s ridiculous!!!!!
remember
yep it is bullshit”he did get a reaction from me and i am sort of glad to be able to get it off my chest”
he will not respond for a long while to what I’ve said because that is how he works”but i kind of needed to do this to get over a last hurdle so i can prove to myself he is a very very bad egg…
In predicting when he will respond, keep in mind that he will probably do everything in his power to get you to respond back to him, to make you feel emotions, though he doesn’t care too much whether it’s love, adoration, anger, frustration, whatever. My ex Psychopath surprised me at times by changing his tactics when he perceived a change in my mindset. Even years out, he is hovering in the background every once in a while sending a small signal of this or that to see whether I’ll ‘bite.’ It is demonic, the way demons hover around to see what they can stir up, tempt, deceive, etc.
When you get to the point when you are determined to get your ex out of your mind and life, he is likely to sense it and lose interest. If he’s like most of them, he’ll cycle by every once in a while to see if he can hook you again.
annette
that makes sense about trying to get a response whether its hatred or love”
he has had the nerve to try to love bomb and promise making and then hear nothing for maybe two months”when receiving the most recent message he said he detected anger in my voice”of course anyone would know anger when he knows he disappeared yet again, for two months..what a stupid question”although i didn’t tell him i was angry.
why would they want to feel anything but adoration or love i wonder..do they like to be thought of as disgusting trolls?
Jane D.,
He does not deserve to hear your voice.
Contact will end when you decide it will. He won’t cooperate. Keep in mind that he doesn’t really care about the content of what you communicate – he just cares that you are focused on him, whether it’s adoration or telling him off. And when you stop having any contact with him, he won’t care either – he will just find someone else to exploit.
When you are ready to have NC, it’s something you do for you and it’s about you. It has very little to do with him. He will cease to exist for you.
annette
i do agree he doesn’t care what i do say, good or bad”
for myself, i wanted him to understand that i do not want to see him, he is married and it is unacceptable on so many levels, especially after what he has done to me..
i just needed to get that out to him, whether he heard me or even reads it, which i doubt he will at this point”this is how he works”
love bombs, promises and makes plans with me to see one another and then disappears with a last letter telling me it is unfair to me”um, yeh i knew that already buddy, why are you even repeating what i have told you”its like he is in his own mental bubble and hears only what he says and thinks
i just wanted to tie up a few looses ends to make myself more comfortable”i do not wish him to contact me back with his nonsense..i also feel with his rehoovers and love bombs and reading what i have on here, it has allowed me to see what he is”if he hadn’t done all this i would have always wondered if in fact he is a classic N/S/P”now i know he fits the bill”and NC can begin properly
Annette
I agree so much with your comment. No contact protects my emotional well being, my sanity and my peace. You are right, it has nothing to do with him. He never cared about me in 20 some years and going no contact is not to punish him or out of vengeance. He would not care one bit. Like you said he just goes on gets new supply. My ex used to enjoy when I gave him responses. It boosted his ego “wow, I can do all that to her and she still responds to me “. There you worship him again , he is still on his throne.
Jane doe
Did you really send him an email? And of course he responded how you expected him to. He blamed you. It’s useless. You won’t get anywhere with him. My ex gets absolutely nothing. Nothing . This where the consequences of being evil come up. I will not tolerate evil in my life anylonger. He will never get a response out of me again , positive or negative. Nothing.
kaya
yes i did send one..i know it wasn’t the best thing to do but i was so infuriated with him. i also know he needs to be blocked permanently and i had him blocked. i unblocked him, and it was wrong but i felt that i still needed to say a few things to him by responding. i don’t want to get through to him, i don’t want him back. but since his last message over the weekend when he wrote me making the stupid promises and love bombing, (all while waiting to hop on a plane to fly back to his wifes country to see her after he was away for work (and of course he sent pictures along to prove it, which means nothing anyway) it sickened me”i knew his promises were not real nor were the love crap he says”i needed to write him and tell him that he is damaged mentally and no normal person would behave this way with the promising me the things he had and speak about his wife this way”and to stop writing me as though I am the one who wants to get together with him”
i knew he would respond and he told me that i know him better than he knows himself and doesn’t know why he says and does what he does”.
at least i got off my chest what i wanted to say, whether he hears me or not”
once again i am back to starting NC and each time i break it, i feel as though i am getting closer to accepting that he has a damaged brain much worse than i even imagined”
i will become like you”it is the right thing to do”with time we will all get there 🙂
It helped me to keep in mind that my ex psychopath wanted to infuriate me and wanted me to respond. That helped motivate me to channel my anger at him into NOT giving him what he wants.
I also wrote probably literally a hundred emails to him that I never sent. It became like a journal of the process I went through understanding what his true nature and motivation is. I got it off my chest and out of my mind, without giving him what he wants. If you can find a way to look at the situation that motivates you to keep NC, it will give you some power.
Like you, all the contact I had with him after the mask slipped proved to me he willingly in full knowledge chooses what he does and he does not choose to change.
Jane Doe
I totally understand. It is so tempting to tell him the things I want him to hear….but you know what, he will never hear them. After the discard I used to send emails and texts to him. I am sure that he showed them to his coworker/affair partner and said “Look how crazy she is, I had to leave her.” I used to tell him how messed up he is, how cold and mean and evil he is. He never heard me…In reality I made a fool out of myself. I even went to the beach once after he had send me to the mental institution..can you believe this? I was still so addicted to him. I was in tears that entire afternoon because he was throwing insults at me..”Because you are so crazy, me life is f**** up now, because of you I had to leave and so on.” Not because he was screwing this little co worker, oh no….it was all my fault. So, I was discarded in March, in June he filed the restraining order against me. I had emailed him that I knew the truth after I found more proof. His answer was putting me in court. Like I said, I was lucky the judge saw his lies and my lawyer exposed my dirty cop husband in open court. But that day, in July of 2013, that day was the “tip of the iceberg” for me. For the first time I truly saw his evil side. He always had it but I was blind. That day in court, when he was giving the chance to drop everything, but insisted on a hearing which he lost…that day was truly the end for me.
Awful things happened to me..maybe that is why I am so super strong in my ability to maintain the no contact. I saw with my own eyes how far he would go to destroy me…and also did not care one bit about his son. His only child testifying in court against him. The day of that court hearing was the day I filed for divorce, it was the beginning of my new life, it was the end of his war against me. Now, I don’t care what he writes, what he does, it is like he does not exist any more. Not as a ex husband, and not as a father of my child. Because no man of integrity would do this to his family. I hope, Jane doe, that you will be able to look at his messages one day and truly see the evil in him. And truly be able to say..No more.
kaya
i get worked up reading your story”i really do because it is just disgusting, moreso because he has a child. i would think anyone having to convince a judge that the other person is crazy, shows that he is the crazy one”sometimes i believe in “LESS IS MORE””maybe the less given makes(in his case angry words) more of an impact..obviously they saw through him
even though i know whatever i tell my ex is in one ear and out the other, it gave me the smallest relief knowing maybe he did read it, and if he doesn’t care, thats ok too, at least i said it and it will be in the back of his head. he most probably won’t answer and most likely won’t read it, but i will never know unless he addresses it, in which case he will go on to say he doesn’t know why he is a bad person. so i suppose that would be him trying to get pity..
Jane doe
Thanks for your kind words. You say that “he might keep it in the back of his head”. The truth is he won’t. They don’t think like us , they lack every aspect of empathy , compassion and remorse. It is not something they can treat with medication or therapy. They will always be cruel and evil . When my ex wore “his mask” he seemed charming , loving and caring. That was what he tried to display. Behind closed doors he was a monster. I must say that things got a thousand times worse once I started playing detective, once I exposed his dark secrets, his lies, his truth. He was furious because I started to outsmart him. I was not naiv anymore and I was onto him. That is when the devalue phase truly began. I now was the biggest obstacle in his life. While I used to be pretty decent supply I now had to eliminated. After the discard , there was no rational talking ,no explanation. It was just “I had to leave because you are so crazy.”
You can expect anything from your ex. You should thank his wife for replacing you. In the long run she did you the biggest favor. I am truly thankful for my ex’s young co worker. While I strongly don’t agree with her actions, at the same time, I am so thankful to her for setting me free. If it was not for her or some other minion, I would still be taking his abuse and lies. So I label them both as LOSERS.
kaya
i am sure whatever i say is already forgotten, if he has even read it…as long as i said it, i feel better. i do wish it would sink in to his fat head, but its unlikely, sadly.
i find with him whenever i point out his bad qualities is when he plays the pity role..”yes i understand what you say, unfortunately i don’t know why i do what i do”
he actually sounds so normal when he gets like that. i have learned, through everyone here and all the reading, that he is not normal and when he speaks like that, it isn’t him..
he would go on to say things like “my life has changed now and i have constraints, and i love her”
he will make himself sound so morally conscience its sick…but this is all part of his game…
then i wwouldnt hear from him after he becomes like that for a few good weeks or more…UNTIL he needs supply and then everything that he had said prior about loving this woman and being unaware of why he is what he is, goes right down the drain and he is begging me to see him, making promises and love bombing, putting his wife down and me on a pedestal…its actually becoming so gross. thank goodness i have found this site and all you beautiful ppl because i can’t say where my mind would be. i don’t know if i would have discovered what a sociopath, N or P is and i would be miserable.
the only thing i wish i had stated in my last email the other day is to thank him for marrying this girl and being gone, because i would be miserable with him..it is her problem now…although i did mention i wish her much luck in dealing with a man who doesn’t know left from right…
I totally agree with you. I think one of the worst traits they have is the “crazy making of others.” While I was not able to tolerate his cheating and his lies, for me the worst part was that he tried to instil into me that I was insane, that I had some kind of a mental problem. This is where true evil comes in. I was discarded at the right time, because towards the end I truly felt that I was going “crazy ” in my heard. He would say one thing and then totally deny it, he would tell me I would need psychotic medication and I was thinking about it. All the while, he was having his affair. When I mentioned this to my Nurse Practitioner, she said…”absolutely not, you are not depressed, you do not need medication.” Even though she confirmed there was nothing wrong with me, I still doubted it, because he said so..
He was so many “professions” in one person, he was a police officer, he was a “counsellor”, a psychiatrist, his own lawyer, he wanted to be God.
Well, those times are over. I hope you can completely cut of contact with your ex. He will never change and all you get in return is more pain. Staying no contact protects me one hundred percent from any pain he could inflict on me. It is difficult at times, especially because I am a person full of empathy and compassion. But I truly learned how to “turn this off” when it pertains to him. I have learned my lesson, I will never go back to where I was. In tears 24/7. What kind of life was that? How was that for my son to see his mom cry because of his father’s actions? It was horrible. I see the entire picture now, not just a little part of it. I can see his manipulation, control, his abuse, his crazy making, his gas lighting. Before I was in this fog…it lifted and now I can clearly see that there was NOTHING good about this man, not even his good CPT America looks….
kaya
thats my problem like you mentioned, i have empathy and compassion and some will even say i am very innocent and gullible at times, not just with him but in general…so i fall through the cracks very easily when it comes to trusting ppl..i try to see the “what if” side but being with him has taught me so differently..i still am empathetic but i have a skeptical side now.
it will make you so proud as a mom to see your son marry a woman and treat her the way YOU have shown. you did very well, you brought him upu and fortunately hasn’t picked up his fathers traits and knows the good from the bad, and this is something to be so proud of.
have you ever posted your full story on LF for others to read?