UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TT,
Yea, he can’t be his normal kind self because you don’t believe him. Sounds like something my ex would say.
They all sound the same. Half of what they say is the opposite of it! That’s what makes you wana poke your eyes out!
This one said he had a seizure and went to the ER. He bothered me for a whole week about not coming to see him, trying to give me a sob story about it. Wanted me to look for him, yet said his phone would be off. He said something about me not contacting him- I said I left a msg, stop lying. He said eveything is a lie to you J. Meanwhile…..when it came time to discuss the hospital he admitted it was a lie!
Woooooooooo!
Remember,
It’s all lies. They’re a LIE. I’m trying not to let his email hit me so hard but he hit a sore spot for sure! I’ve accepted who I am and am more comfortable with my past. I’ve just had so many past experiences that I’m sensitive to. Leave it up to him to use that! Spath #1 would like for it to be all in my head but never even came close to going this far. #2 knew how I hated that #1 was making me look crazy to others. He’s always seemed to want to be in competition with him. Now I know he is!
I won’t allow him to bring me down and am so happy to be starting fresh on my birthday this Friday. 33 was my best year yet. I deserve another year like that and then some!!!!
TT,
Hell yea you do! You deserve many many good years!!
So, the best friend…did it end bad? Is she not trustworthy? Is she trying to make up with you by sending a bday gift?
Remember,
Sorry for my spotty comments. I’ve been a little overwhelmed with everything. That said, I did it!!! The account is gone. I thought I’d feel relief but I actually feel sad?
The best friend….it ended badly. She kept saying we need to agree to disagree but I’m still priority over HIM. She believes it was an “unhealthy relationship.” She ended up mocking me, using #1 and my past against me. For over 12years she was my most supportive friend. She got super mean (not like her), almost sounded like it was his words when she talked. She admitted he still contacts her and they talk about me. He told her I was in a “deep hole” and when I defended myself she said “well you are, aren’t you?” So frustrating. They only knew each other for 6 months. She doesn’t think it’s strange he contacts her even though they hung out less than 10 times. Hmm
I believe her gift was possibly sincere and her making an effort. I just can’t trust her. She’s not safe. She still talks to him! Why? I started NC with her a couple of months ago. I’m not sure how to handle this…a gift is nice, but it’s her words that would count if she finally sides with me. Which she should! She didn’t even have a problem letting go of my ex husband after 6 years and she loved him (until our divorce). It’s so strange and incredibly painful. More painful than losing him. I feel like I lost a family, her daughters, her brother (he still in contact with HIM), other close friends of the family, even her parents…
I believe he was stalking the group we hung out with. He started “running into” her brother and friends nearly every week, sometimes twice in one week. This went on for a couple of months or so before we split. I’d get text updates immediately. He would tell me updates in their lives before I could catch up with them. The city we live in isn’t exactly small. They would sometimes go to the same places but what are the chance he’d run into them so frequently? It was strange. I think he was getting his hooks in with intention.
How have you been? I realize I’ve been so caught up in my world I haven’t checked in with you!
How sad about your friend. That is painful too. It sounds like he is triagulating her and she is falling for it.
It sound like she is too enmeshed in tangled and inappropriate relationships to be a real friend. She is too involved in what is your business, not hers.
It is possible that one day she will sort her self out and you and she can continue a friendship, but it seems like your decision to have no contact, or low contact of the greyrock variety, is a sound decision.
Thanks, Annette. Good point! She is too involved in what’s my business. And her opinions of my business, with no regard to my views on my business at that!
I can only hope that she will one day realize how important our relationship is. Not the one she has with him. Even though she is being tangled and if she does come around I’m not sure I’ll be able to trust her again. This process has been so hard, especially 2 spaths in a row. Her not being here for me has been more than painful. It’s been a loss like I’ve never experienced.
I plan to send her a simple thank you card for the gift and leave it at that.
It’s almost like kicking you when you’re down.
That’s what my x best friend did.
:/
The Lifetime channel has a show on now called “My Crazy Ex’…it’s all about sociopaths. The next show will be about a pilot living a double life with two families. Check your local listing.
Jan,
The end of that last one…the guy faked his own death! Yep.
My neighbor has a daughter she is 18-20 yrs old I forgot, and her highschool bf- abuser did that too! Faked his death. She ended up marrying him, going in the service, getting pregnant. He abused her again, and now it’s finally over.
Ugggggh.
The guy on the show said give me a kiss! I’m alive! Wooooooooo.
Remembertoforget, so crazy this show….the one on know the guy seems to be a sociopath he is obsessed with sex.
Remembertoforget, Thank goodness your neighbor’s daughter got out. Some of the people on this planet are soooo crazy!
opps spelling error “the one on now….” not “know”
Jan,
Wow this girl stabbed him in the back and the girl stabbed her in the back!
Wow!!
Remembertoforget, I live in such a different mental world then sociopaths thank goodness!!!
This show is so mind blowing!!!
Jan,
Yes, we do.
I was literally in the bathroom thinking, can I be like my ex? I tried to imagine scenarios in my head, but I came up with nothing.
Lol
Remember, LOL…we live a simple minded life for sure.
Yes, you guys are so wise, and I need to draw from that pool of wisdom once again. My spath use to be an enforcer for a drug lord, and she has killed. So she knows her way around a gun, even if she proclaims to have a different heart now. I still fear her finding me 1000 miles away, even tho to leave her state would be a violation of her parole.
I told her once that I would always love her because love doesn’t just disappear. And with the last email that I wrote on her birthday on February 23, I stated that “the fire still burns.” Since then, I have gotten several emails from her stating that she loves me. I haven’t answered. So the last thing in her mind from me is that I still love her.
Lately I have received several calls on my phone from blocked numbers. Since I have not responded to her, she may have gone on the internet to find my new address and phone number. (She went on the internet before and got my social security number, and tried to order new credit cards. Thinking I may have to remove my presence from the internet, although it may already be too late……) Obviously no proof because blocked numbers. Am not going to answer any more calls from unfamiliar numbers. I have also bought mace, in case she shows up at my door someday.
My mind whirls, especially at night. I don’t know if she might be trying to reach me because my last message gave her hope of more supply, or if I should break NC and tell her that I no longer feel love and to leave me alone. I need your thoughts, dear friends….
I am tired of running, and I usually feel better and safer during the daylight. But my demons come out in full force at night, and I am usually writing on my computer at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping. And I am tired of being afraid. This is no way to live! But I have come to realize now that she will live by the rules, like staying in her state, for as long as it suits her, and she will break the rules at will. I have a restraining order against her already, and I live in a gated community. But that doesn’t feel safe to me anymore. And I probably caused it by telling her something that would encourage her to keep trying…
Would you break contact after 2 months to tell her to back off?
I suggest that you briefly apologize for contacting her on her birthday professing your love for her and then ignoring her replies to you.
Briefly and politely tell her that you have no hard feelings but that you have decided that it would be best for both of you to lead separate lives. Wish her the best. Make it brief and do not tell her you love her, even if you feel that you do.
Keep your note 3-4 sentences or less.
If she replies, no matter what she says, do not reply back. Hopefully she will reply briefly thanking you for your honesty and closure and wishing you the best.
Thank you, Annette.
Yesterday afternoon as I was driving home the song “Words as Weapons” by Seether came on the radio. When I first heard this song months ago, the lyrics really hit me. Every time I hear the song now, it reinforces what his actions and words are. Weapons. I have pasted the lyrics below.
“All I really want is something beautiful to say
Keep me locked up in your broken mind
I keep searchin, never been able to find a
Light behind your dead eyes
Not anything at all
You keep living in your own lie, ever deceitful and ever unfaithful
Keep me guessin, keep me terrified
Take everything from my world
Say can you help me right before the fall
Take what you can and leave me to the wolves
Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed
Why try swimming? I’m drowning in fables
You’re not that saint that you externalize
You’re not anything at all
It’s oh-so playful when you demonize
To spit out the hateful, you’re willing and able
Words are weapons I’d be terrified
You’re nothing in my world
Say can you help me right before the fall
Take what you can and leave me to the wolves
All I really want is something beautiful to say
Keep me guessin, keep me terrified
All I really want is something beautiful to say
You keep livin’ in your own lie
All I really want is something beautiful to say
To never fade away, I wanna live forever!
All I really want is something beautiful to say
To never fade away, I wanna live forever!
You keep living in your own lie
Keep me guessin, keep me terrified
All I really want is something beautiful to say
Say can you help me right before the fall
Take what you can and leave me to the wolves
All I really want is something beautiful to say
Words are weapons I’d be terrified
All I really want is something beautiful to say
Keep me guessin, keep me terrified
All I really want is something beautiful to say
To never fade away, I wanna live forever!
All I really want is something beautiful to say
To never fade away, I wanna live forever!”
Those lyrics are so true. thanks for posting this.
I just saw this article: It is called “the biggest mistake”.
The biggest mistake that partners make is to think that a socio path/narcissist operates in the same way they do. Socio paths look for partners who have a larger than average does of the qualities that will make a good relationship work : compassion, trust, loyalty, and the ability to love – someone who will think the best of him, feel for him, and jump backwards through hoops of fire to tolerate his behaviour in order to make the relationship work.
But what we don’t get is: For him, sex does not have emotional connection like it does for us. He can’t feel our pain or our wounds like we do. He cant respond to our need if it does not correspond with his own need. He trusts no one. He is not honest with himself and cant be honest with us, period.
Once we end this toxic association, we need to stop trying to make sense out of it. We stop trying to talk to him. Stop pretending he is speaking the truth. No river of tears, no impassioned pleas, no personal sacrifices, and no amount of money will ever “fix” what ails a socio path. He will not care about your pain. He does not care about your pain, and he has never cared about you. This TRUTH is a fact.
There we do not speak with him, he does not exist and he is not among the living. He is, in essence, deceased.
Kaya…That article is fantastic. Thank you!
Freedom,
Thanks for the song…
Kaya,
Thank you for the article. I was just thinking about what you wrote. About him caring or not caring, and not caring about any one.
We need to recognise that fact…… That they target us for our positive qualities!
It is true that NC keeps us sane and free of CD.
I saw him last Wednesday and as a result spend the next 3/4 days in turmoil…. Feeling sad, churned up, constantly feeling unsettled, rehearsing what I had said, what I wished I had said, what I wished I hadn’t said. Wondering what HE was thinking!
the truth is, he is oblivious to my sadness. He doe t care. And he isn’t worth caring about!
Elsa,
Yes, thank you for this reminder today…and oblivious is the key word with them. Oblivious and delusional.
elsa
no matter what we said or didn’t say, doesn’t get through their heads anyway..we can repeat the same thing to them each time and get no reaction or response”its us who worries whether we said this or that and worried how they are feeling after we said this or that”truth is”they didn’t even hear it.
i can say each time to mine what he has done wrong and its like i never even said it one time..he repeats it all over again. they absorb nothing and its wasting our time…