UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Just another recommendation for my friends out here to read “The Gift of Fear,: by Gavin De Becker. It will open your eyes and absolutely amaze you!
neveragain51,
I NEED to get that book! It’s been on my wishlist. I may get it today and read while being lazy around my house! Women Who Love Psychopaths and The sociopath next door were enlightening reads! I also read Psychopath Free. It was a simple read I could relate to so much.
Thistoo,
Don’t forget youtube has audio books, you reminded me of that.
Currently I am listening to People of the Lie by Dr. Scott Peck.
Another one to check out.
I wana tell you a short story, in a bit lol.
I’m going to do like you and not talk about him- or it-outside anymore, only here…
I called my mom for Mother’s Day and she ended up talking about my father of course…the past she hasn’t gotten over in 30 something years, meanwhile she’s been re-married since then.
I politely ended the convo for the day.
I could hear her voice getting weepy as we hung up.
Same ol story, different day.
🙂
Happy Sunday, and Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s of children, and 4 legged children!
🙂
Remember,
Thanks for sharing your story. From what you’ve told me about her I can’t say I’m surprised! Nice of you to politely end the conversation. Happy Mother’s Day to her! 🙂 It must be so hard on you to be surrounded by all of these toxic people right now. Speaking of which, I never responded about your exbff. So she believed him and then dishonored you in other ways? It gives me comfort knowing mine was just hooked by him and is still a good person. I know she is. Although that pains me too. I wrote her a short thank you card for her birthday gift, wished her well and sent love to her daughters.
I got The Gift of Fear today and have already experienced a lot of anxiety about #1. So many memories of the stalking, the lengths he’s gone to and my fear that still exists. I anticipated as much going in. I’m continuing to read because I believe it will help me in the end. I’m on chapter 3 and have already realized so many gut reactions I had at the beginning with my spaths. I wrote down lists of things I recognized in both right off the bat, including a list for both times around with #2.
Thank you for including the Mother’s Day wishes to us who have 4 legged children! AMEN!!! Happy Mother’s Day to All!!! 🙂
Thistoo,
I have a girl English bulldog, she’s a brat!
Everyone is always fussing over her. Lol!
Yes my mom toxic and ex bff toxic and the ex!
They are gone now. She stuck up for me but now she HATES me and is whining victim just like HIM!
Boo hoo…!
I quit the misery click.
I can’t carry those weights anymore.
🙂
Remember,
I can so picture you with an English Bulldog! I have two little girls. A black pom (who won’t shut the hell up!) and a yorkillon who is partial to killing squirrels. We are a “special” threesome for sure! I love them. They been with me for so long through so many things.
I’m so happy to hear you’ve quit the misery click. You have a great attitude! I’m on my way… I feel SO much better now that I’ve gone NC in all ways and stickin’ to it!!!!
Ttoo,
Are you making a list of his “stalker red flags” or just psycho flags in genera?
That book was good, I passed it on to my friend since elementary school, she got divorced after 20 year relationship, I know him from school as well…
Had NO IDEA he was a domestic abuser N or P!!
None of us school friends did!
:/
Remember,
The lists are the things I felt were off. I ignored my intuition on these things (words, actions) and my gut feeling from the very beginning. If I questioned things they would convince me otherwise. Had I listened to my concerns and followed my gut I wouldn’t be in this situation! Lesson learned!!!
It’s surprising to me still how many abusers there are out there. How many people do we know personally who are bad? How many peopled do we know who are being currently abused?
It makes me sad to think about it. 🙁
Good morning everyone. I hope all the mothers out there had a nice Mother’s Day. I spent most if it with my mom. It was very nice. I have been blessed with a great mom. She knows all about the spath. It was the hardest thing to tell her about him several months ago but I feel that it brought us closer. Yesterday as we were driving back from lunch, she asked how I was doing. I knew what she was referring to. I told her that I was doing better. That thoughts of him come and go. I have not told her that I have been coming on there and reading and posting. When I was telling her about him months ago, I never used the term Narcissist when describing him. In our convo yesterday, she said…You know what? He is a Narcissist.” I laughed and said yes mom, I know. At that moment, I felt such relief that someone else got it! Someone who is close to me and knows me.
This is day 37 of NC. Man…This is the longest. And I VOW not to break it. It isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth destroying my sanity or freedom. When I feel like I want to know “why” or I am feeling down about what happened…I remember all the lies. I remember that I will never get the truth. For instance, as I was getting ready for work this morning, I remember a convo that I had with him. I remember asking a question and knowing that he was lying but at that time, I put it aside. I didn’t listen to my gut. Then all the lies starting to come to me again. There is freedom in remembering those lies. And I am thanking him for them because without all of those lies, I could not be this strong.
I hope that everyone has a great day and week. I am taking a vacation starting this Friday. I will be gone for 11 days. No work, no email…just me and friends and happiness. Hugs to you all!!
Congratulations on 37 days NC!! That is the number one thing you can do for yourself to make things better, and you are doing it!!
Thanks, Annette. Yes, there is great freedom in NC as well.
Thistoo,
So today is a year for living at my place, and today was the day webhad picked to be the year mark. Who cares, but today…his cousin that has lived across from me the whole time finally came up to me when we were both outside walking our dogs!
So we talked! There was nothing shocking that she had to tell me probably because, he doesn’t talk to her. She said no his sister doesn’t have cancer and she doesn’t think his kids mother did either!
She knew about him driving the Bmw back when we met that belonged to ex #1, and that she’s a whore idiot and those 2 would be a match made in heaven…just like I assumed.
She did say though that his kids mother was messed up on pills, and she was kinda screwed up. She was 19 when she got with him, and he talks so bad about her always, yet had two kids with her, ya know?
He hid her at first too, but he told me because she was so young.
She said he takes pills, he told me he took 2 a day, tramadol.
Anyways, bottom line is, she knows the same crap I know, but gave me insight on the exs.
But, I did tell her how he was abusive and kinda said he must have been like that to her too. Later she said there probably had to be maybe. It was so funny because her boyfriend was there and as I was talking he was commenting on the side about socios and he goes NPD’s….his sister has a child with one.
Also, he would AVOID his cousin and sister when he was here, he made it seem like I didn’t want to interact.
She said yea after you broke up he was calling me all of a sudden. He told her i’m a good girl and bla bla bla. He had told me that too.
So, I don’t know how I feel.
This convo is pointless. Run the tape, he pathologically lied, he was verbal abusive attempted assult with fist over the smallest slight, plain verbal abuse, disrespected me, did get physical, porn habbit, cried and begged, didn’t change, secretive always shady, pitty story always, she said her family is good at the victim thing…
She said it’s always so dramatic after his relationships end, like boohoo for him.
Oh, the thing that got me was he told her after we broke up, I could have any girl I want right now, but…. about me.
I’m sorry, I don’t believe that!!
She said I agree.
She knows he’s messed up. He always bad mouthed her growing up.
He’s a narcissist that doesn’t lime women, or ANYone.
I don’t know why I just wasted this post on him.
Rmemeber,
Thank you for sharing this with me!
First, I think this is a good thing. You’ve been anxious living next to his cousin and now your mind can be put at peace. You know some of what she thinks of him and that are not in contact much. You know now why he avoided her. I was worried he avoided her because he would use her against you (not that he’s past that). This is all a relief to know!
Second, she confirmed some of your beliefs, at least ones you’ve felt were true all along. You’ve discovered he doesn’t treat others well, as he’s claimed to be a nice guy. I wouldn’t necessarily believe the stuff about his young ex. Who knows where that information dribbled down from… All said and done, you have been affirmed! What a gift so many of us wish we had. That said too, I would still be careful what you say to his cousin in the future. She may share with someone who is a minion or on his side, and she may not know….
Third. Yes, he’s not worth your time. This post was!! At least it was worth it for me. You have lifted my heart tonight. A sign that good people prevail!! You are blessed and strong. He is messed up! You can feel comfort in the fact you are not. Although, we already knew that. 🙂
As for his cousin’s bf talking about sociopaths/narcs….hahahahahaha!!!!
I’m happy for you and proud of you girl!!!!! God and the Universe works in mysterious ways, don’t they? 😉
Thistoo,
Thank you Thank you. Yea, it left me thinking oh he was telling the truth about some things, but then i’m like, he lies to her and everyone too i’m sure.
She said his young ex would call her messed up on the phone a few times, who knows.
Yes, her bf was soo funny on the sidelines, he’s like there’s no cure, and the charm, the get you with charm, and it’s fraud! It was great!!
It left me confused, but yea, she confirmed he’s messed up.
Funny on this date too. Lol
Hey, who knows, he may try to email me one day and get a return notice.
Maybe that will cause him a slight narcissistic injury? Hahaaaaa.
Get any girl you want? Hmmm, what are you picking from?
And I love pomeranian’s by the way! They ae too cute!
Remember,
It is funny this happened today of all days!
For all you know he’s already tried to email you and has got a return notice! I know it will happen to my ex one day (if it hasn’t happened already) and that gives me satisfaction. Although, I’m wary of the injury it may cause…spath #1 and all….
I bet his ex did call her, but for all we know she was just dealing with things in her own way and was messed up at the time. Who knows what she’s really like now. People go through many processes through this kind of thing, as we know. Some people don’t chose the healthy ways of going about things.
“It left me confused.” Follow that in yourself! What are you feeling confused about? Trust your gut. It would make sense this entire thing/conversation would feel confusing but be aware of anything that stands out to you. What she said, how you felt about certain things, etc. Just looking out for you!
Fact is, he does lie to everyone. EVERYONE. Like they all do. I can’t believe how many people don’t see past #2’s crap.
Another fact is, I love my pom even though she’s special. 🙂 Seriously, special. Last time I took her to the vet they loved he (as do most).. She gets excited to go to the vet, wth? I told them she was special and they said ya, she is. I said no, I work primarily with kids who have autism, she is “special”. I seriously believe my dog is disordered and I love her for it! She’s a gift from God. We’re a perfect match!
Another thing…he MAY get any girl he wants…she may be not so healthy, but remember, he may find another girl like you, like me. It’s comforting for us to believe they won’t or can’t. I can’t believe I fell for my spahts! #2 is disgusting. #1 is Mr. Perfect. BUT, I did fall for them. It’s their charm. You fell for yours. It’s so sad. I pray for their victims. 🙁
Thistoo, LF friends…
So after talking and spending some time with his cousin last night, I said how I felt confused.
I don’t know what I was expecting ya know? I think I wanted to hear that yea he’s abusive and yea he treats girls like crap.
But, he is covert. He is mister nice guy, mister poor me, I do all the right things for all the wrong people.
But since her telling me the exs are losers, it made me believe him!
Although, when we met he talked of how him and ex #1 are buddies and so close, when him and I were getting into relationship status, I was like well i’m not comfortable w that, you weren’t married and no kids so…
He actually said, “she’s not my ex”, kids mother is my ex!
Because he was with her before his 10 years with kids mother. He was with #1 for 7 years!
I also didn’t know the Bmw was hers yet!
I was indifferent, and today i’m mulling over, and questioning him, like if he’s not a …?
His cousin won’t know, he doesn’t tell, i’m an abuser right?
I mean, it’s not normal for me to have to tell someone how to respect his woman…?
He doesn’t break up with his girls, they leave him.
My therapist mentioned borderline one time- and it doesn’t even matter what he is.
I’m just upset today, I cried a tad, and hated him for a minute.
When I was with him there was even a short time where I thought it was me.
Thank you for listening you guys…
Any feedback is welcome
🙂
Remember,
What you’re describing – trying to figure the spath out, trying to make sense of what he does and what he says, what really happened, what the truth really is, and the confusion that they create, is not what real relationships of any kind are supposed to be about. Your observation that it’s not normal to have to tell someone how to act is accurate.
What you’re experiencing in this conversation is why most victims find that they recover sooner and better from the spath when we don’t have contact with the spath’s family and friends. Even those who don’t appear to be disordered, still have to do with the spath experience that we are trying to recover from.
Consider if you would be better off politely avoiding interacting with even nice people who have anything to do with your ex spath, if possible.
Remebertoforget…how do you know you can trust this “cousin”….sociopathic behavior runs in families so you need to take her words with a grain of salt. Best to go no contact with his family until you know for sure you can trust one. As yourself WHy is she talking to me now?
I am with AnnettePK that you can not make sense of a sociopaths craziness except that they are CRAZY and will push you over your emotional edge on purpose.
How is he treating the new “victims” EXACTLY the way he treated you…he love bombed this latest into believing he is a “good guy” then he will tear here down mentally to control her then she will leave him & she will hopefully get educated on exactly who he is dealing with. They use the same pattern with each and every victims often times taking them to the same restaurant for their first date etc.
He most likely lead you to believe that he is still friends with his ex because he did not want you to suspect or call them to ask if he was abusive to them. He plays covert games what better way to hide your past abuse then to say you are friends…my guess is his ex’s would tell a different story then his. Did you ever check to see if he had any past restraining orders?
i like the saying “Dont let people rent space in your head”….dont let this “cousin” back on the emotional roller coster ride by thinking about his behavior. He is not a good guy = that is all you need to remember.
I fell for one that ended up being a major con. I have since been advised from another person who I don’t know via written information but knows me apparently that what I thought was happening was true. There had been rumours spread via many people via many others even through my sons sport. It has me feeling absolutely guttered as to the lengths that this person has gone to cover himself. He played my family and made out he was protecting them from someone that can’t be trusted. I was called many names amongst them crazy. He lied and gathered as much information along with many extended lies. He planned this down to a ‘T’.. He would say things to confuse me and have everyone playing into his court for some time not thinking of them but only himself. People like this are leaches on society and money is always their motive. they hide behind others. It is their focus and often jealous of what you have or what they think you have. They project onto others what they actually are. Mind you he made a point of getting into my life and all the people I knew. Rumours were spread about me which aren’t true and I had many people treating me so badly and looking at me as if who is this person?. But he appears a good model but really he had his own agenda and I can only thank the person that contacted me to see who I am and the person I am – they could read and see I’m not this person at all. This person told me they can read someone well and they can always see these types of men read people well, who will go along with their story and who won’t. Those that don’t they’ll stay clear of. If you have to go to these lengths to defend your place in society without the other person knowing what is going on behind their back is a low act. This person told me that what I had gone through was a con and abuse of a horrible kind. A con doesn’t want to get involved with someone after a short time for no reason. They turn to the family and appear the good guy when things fail. Knows everything about the person he wanted to get into the relationship with and then turn to get everything out of them, tell the family later the abuse they suffered and how crazy I was to live with – what he was after he tells others this is what I was. It is all out of fear I was told. He made a point of knowing everything and has caused so much stress in my life that now I know from a very good person that has read someone from what they have heard and seen that others couldn’t… I was told they wanted to make contact with me just to protect me but didn’t want to be known.
So I have now also been told to protect myself from making further decisions in the future…
Anette and Jan,
Thank you! That makes perfect sense, I shouldn’t talk with his cousin even if he doesn’t speak to her.
He really was or does mess with his first ex. He was driving her car and lied then told me then returned it. I know who she is. After that he would shut me down when I mentioned her name, you are correct he didn’t want me talking to her because he probably stayed in contact with her for sure, and did not want me to find out.
He sent his sister away the day she came knocking at my door. He made her cry. He is all over the place, one lie and contradiction after another.
Looks like it’s NC with his cousin neighbor either!
I totally spoke with her thinking I was gonna get some kind of real answers, though she said yes messed up, I think.
And yes, his whole family has issues. All different kinds.
Thank you……….!
I mean cousin neighbor also…
I totally agree with Annette. I think cutting off all contact with any friends and family of him is the most healthy solution for us. While I talked to my ex husbands mother for a few weeks after the discard , I later found out that he portrayed me as a mentally ill woman to her. No mentioning of his abuse , his lies, his affairs. She pretended to be empathatic to me she was on his side and supplied him with private information about me. Which he could later use against me. When I realized all this, I changed all my numbers and emails. I basically cut off all communication with her and everyone who knew him. It was the most beneficial solution for my emotional and overall health. He will never be truthful to anyone. Remember they are liars and the father of all lies. There is nothing good coming out of talking about him to his friends, his family, mutual friends. It just does not work. My ex is evil and will always be evil. He will never change. He is darkness and he always tried to suck me into his dark evil world. Any minute I would give him would undo 2 years of healing , hard work and recovery for me. I will not go back there for anything. Nothing he could offer will put me backwards. Nothing.
Kaya, Anette, Jan,
And since you posed the question, I suppose it could be a coincidence that she finally approached me a week after I deleted my old email addresses!
But who knows. I didn’t get that feeling though.
Thank you for writing, it helps me so much days like these!
Well, it helps all the time.
Remember,
After reading posts from Kaya, Annette and Jan, I have to say I agree. Guess I was feeling optimistic about it last night, even though I still questioned. We don’t know what her intentions are, either way, she’s not safe. She could have good intentions, she may not, but look at where it’s already taken you. The timing is strange, trust your gut. Trust your gut on all of it!!
I’m sorry it got you questioning if he’s not so bad after all. I know that feeling! It’s all so confusing. I’m happy we have this site to help put perspective on things. 🙂
Stay away from her. Better safe than sorry! I’m just sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s all such a learning process, isn’t it?
Thistoo,
Yes indeed it is a learning experience!
Thank God we have this support and wisdom.
My gut has known that he is sick. The covert thing is what confuses the hell out of you I guess?
I got confused and sad for a minute, that he has taken up such space and time…
It’s true, nc is our only closure. And I know his exs are messy, you have to be to be with him for so long. Both of them were! That’s the only way.
I just gotta get back up and keep it movin!
I don’t need to prove my worth to disordered people!
My ex friend used to say, do you want to be right, or happy?
🙂
Oh, my bulldog is special too, she is a special needs I always say, because they are high maintenance with health stuff! 😉
Remember,
I do think it’s the covert thing that throws us off and makes us question! It was easy with #1 being covert and his stalking definitely helped me go NC, no questions asked!
I am so thankful to have our wise support on here. Speaking of learning lessons. I think I just messed up. Enter Kaya’s #3 and #4…
So here I am reading The Gift of Fear, which is again stirring things up in me. I remembered getting a police report online for #1 and figured it wouldn’t hurt to get on on #2, just in case. So I googled him, not to do the searches I’ve done in the past to see what he’s up to, but to get info for the police record and there in front of me is a website to him/blog I’ve never seen before from years ago. I couldn’t resist the red button! ALL ways of NC were ruined the moment I clicked the link.
I am disgusted. An ignorant person may read it as a normal blog but he would cut people down in his posts! He mentioned a psych class he took in college that was his favorite (although people would never think so) because it taught him he could get anyone to open up to him as long as he speak their language and use “psycho babble.” He used a specific example of a stranger he met and how he got the stranger to share with him. He made fun of the and cut down man on his post for sharing with him. The thing that really got me was that in his actual description of himself on the blog. Last line, he states how he likes creative, passionate, kind and smart people so that he can look smart by association. He actually said that! Almost word for word.
Considering he wrote this blog 7 years ago, it is obvious how much more refined and skilled he has come in his presentation. It makes me sick. Who is this man?
I’m upset at myself for reading his blog. Like you, Remember, he’s not worth my time. Aside from the confirmation of him saying I’m sick and need help to cover his game, his blog alone says it all.
This Too,
It may have been worth glancing at that old blog just to confirm for yourself the depth of his depravity. It’s not the same as immersing your mind in what he’s doing now and who he’s with now.
Annette,
So I didn’t break NC by reading that? I’m trying so hard to do the best I can, for ME. In a way I’m glad I read. I still want to do a background check on him. Maybe spath #1 has an influence on me but my running thoughts about spath #2 for the past few months are these:
“I hate him.”
“He scares me.”
Those are the thoughts I think most of him and am taking note of. I feel like I should pay attention to those nagging thoughts. Or am I just being paranoid?
Thistoo,
Uggggh. Oh boy!
Thank God it was from 7 years ago!
I would not want to read anything from the creepy ex, he writes all weird creepy shit.
They are twisted.
Not worth our time.
Covert sucks. It all does really.
We must think of ourselves as a snob with OUR nose in the air at the toxic people…
Put on our bitch face! Lol
Oh I blabbed to his cousin. She was tipsy anyways so whatever!
No, never mind. I already know my answer. He SCARES me. I don’t know why. He’s left me alone and has even made the point over and over on his own accord that he’s left me alone. But why would he need to tell me this to make a point?
Remember,
She was tipsy and it doesn’t matter. She can report back to him anything. Who knows. If she’s a liar it doesn’t matter what you said. She may not be a liar and the tipsyness could still impact her in any way she seems fit.
I think it’s weird she approached you.
Thistoo,
Well, he can go bad mouth me to my egofreak peers.
Whoever really knows me won’t believe him.
They are all freaks so they can kiss off.
Hey, maybe he will drink his moonshine and take some pills with some skanks. Sure, pretty skanks, but not me.
All he will pull in are partiers. He got me because I was sad and needing something…
He is a fake ass bullshit salesman who talks to cute skanks on fb!
Have at it!
I was associating with losers!!!
Not no more!!!
Sorry, had to let it out!
This Too,
As I understand the definition of No Contact, it does include reading his old blog. I think that the way it worked out, it probably didn’t harm you.
A background check is really a judgement call on your part. Consider whether you will get information from a background check that will change anything you are currently doing to protect yourself. If nothing shows up it doesn’t mean that he isn’t dangerous. Consider whether you have enough information to determine that he’s dangerous with what you already know.
I also sometimes wonder whether I’m just being paranoid that my intuition tells me my ex psychopath is potentially dangerous to me. I think probably not because spaths do not have the internal restraints of a conscience on doing anything that they think will get them what they want and they think they won’t get caught. Many of them just plain enjoy the power rush they get from making others suffer.
The goal of NC is to get where we don’t think of the ex spath and don’t care what he’s doing. The less information we hear about him, the sooner we will get to that goal.
Something that helped me speed up my recovery is this guided relaxation and suggestion audio: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
This detailed good quality questionnaire assessment might be useful for you to determine the degree of dangerousness of your ex spath based on information you already have, that is probably just as valuable or even more valuable than anything you’d learn from a background check. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Remember,
Let it out!!!! It’s good you are! 🙂
Every morning I wake up and think I will not think of them today. They are not worth my time. And by the end of the day I feel overcome by the fact I’m not rid of them in my mind!!! I’m still worried about #1 and still getting over the love I felt with #2. They are scumbags.
What’s hard for me is that I can’t shake the feeling one of them is going to try to hurt me. #1 is the obvious choice, although #2 and his control issues + knowing all about #1 scares me the same, if not more.
I asked my counselor if I was harmed if she could report to the police to look at both. She said unfortunately she cannot say much but that she would put a note in my file saying I requested as much. She had tears in her eyes. 🙁
Annette,
I’ve been reading your story on here for almost a year under a few different names…from what you’ve said your ex definitely sounds like a threat and is scary! You’ve taken the right moves and have stayed cautious. I remember you telling me about him having tools (a shovel) in his trunk and talking about how he would would bury someone in the desert and get away with it, or along those lines…
You sent me the mosaic when I was going through #1. At the time he scored 6 out of 10, however that was before things escalated more. I’m sure he’s higher now. #2 would score lower, but I can’t shake that uneasy feeling. He was more covert and hid more.
I think we need to trust our guts. I’m no longer hypervigilant, but I stay aware of my surroundings no matter where I’m going, driving, locations, etc.
I’m still trying to understand NC. I’m grateful for your insight. I thought I’d broken the rule. I wasn’t trying to find any info on him other than pursuing a background check, so I guess that’s something. I just want to stay safe while not breaking NC!
This Too,
I think of NC is a tool and a principle we use to aid recovery. It makes sense, because it’s impossible to recover if the spath is in our mind all the time.
Something that helped me was to focus on other things in my life – other relationships with friends and family, work, classes I’ve been taking, my radio show, being active in my church; and I’ve been trying to learn shape note singing. I found it got easier, and eventually life is somewhat normal again, though there are still scars.
I do what I can to make myself as safe as possible. These days (I am a few years out), my subconscious brings to my conscious mind puzzling and possibly frightening things he said and did, that I think may provide clues to what he may have done in the past and what he may do in the future. I write them down which helps release the thought from my mind. I guess I figure I can think about them all some day and maybe figure something out. I do have this nagging intuition that there may be something there. I don’t know as he’s ever done anything, but I am pretty sure he is capable. I pay close attention to unsolved crimes in his part of the state. I have no idea how far his sexual deviation goes. It could be he’s done nothing beyond porn.
I hope you can find peace and safety, and can get your ex’s out of your life and mind so there’s room for better things. It’s difficult when they could be harmful to us.
Annette,
Interesting that you pay close attention to unsolved crimes. Is that your gut telling you something? Even if it’s not crimes that would end up on media….I wonder….
I’m finding myself in a good place overall concerning safety. I don’t check my cameras all the time like I used to, so that’s something. I’m still aware while driving and in any location I’m in. I hope I feel safer over time. Now I have moments of fear rather than days. Last night was a night of fear. I can’t explain it when that happens. I’m feeling more sound today.
Speaking of putting focus on other things…I saw my counselor today and am starting a 6 weeks art healing/therapy group at my local shelter! I used to be artistic but haven’t explored myself in a while. I’m nervous about it. New people, etc but am excited to try something new! And with other women who are healing from abuse. I’m trying to put myself out there more, so why not try this?! I did a self esteem work shop there and liked it. This is a longer commitment, although I’m feeling up to the challenge!
Cat,
That is an excellent point!
From knowing several people in the program, and my now ex best friend of 20 years, yes, sometimes they get clean, and then tnere is the whole reason they used in the first place…and yep, some it’s an N, P, or Bpd, any you name it.
Glad you cut him out with the quickness, and I agree about blessings in disguises.
Here is something I learned.
1. Pain is only temporary.
2. Time is out best ally.
3. One gets a little lost along the way , but one will always find their bearings .
4. I shall no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.
5. When he broke my heart, I found myself to be list at first. But it was only when I found myself lost that I eventually found who I was again . I was so afraid of losing him, that I forgot about myself.
Number 6. I ,myself , am not there yet.
Love is real and we should not give up on it.
remember
oh yes, i strongly agree with everyone here…being in touch with “something or someone” from them can definitely lead us a step backward…
all we learned and taught ourselves and worked so hard at to achieve to get the point of finally letting them go and they are evil has gone down the drain when we engage in something related to them.
its hard and yeh at times i definitely give the benefit of the doubt, thats the way i am…but i do know the further i keep away from anything that reminds me or represents him, the less i dwell over him…i admit i do miss a lot from him but if i can stay away from pictures, people who we knew, emails, texts, any social media…its better for me.
unfortunately if you want to heal, you may have to forego the relationship
i am sorry for the lack of responses to anyone on here, i am not receiving any notifications at all not sure if its a glitch?
JaneDoe,
Thank you, and you guys are all right.
She really walked right up to me and we started blabbing.
Oh well, I will go about my business as usual.
He has no possible way to write all his bullshit fake love and word salad to me anymore.
You guys helped me. I know he is disordered, but my mi d can play tricks on me sometimes.
🙂