UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
I had to tell my ex the same. Every day he wanted to hear that he was the best. The most handsome , the sexiest man alive. He sometimes took pictures with his I phone and then admired his private parts. He would say “isn’t that the most beautiful **** in the world. ” I used to just turn around and walk away. It almost makes me throw up thinking about that now.
Maybe the little minions can tell him what he wants to hear now. Glad I got “fired” from this job.
Kaya, yes, you know how my ex liked to tell me that there were women hiding in the bushes waiting to take my place. That was supposed to be a threat, but it turned out to be a blessing. I’m so glad they were waiting!
Kaya,
Gross…
They can all go have their skanks!
If you have to ask for compliments and demand admiration then you’re a loser!
You apologized for the eggs.
Thank God you are free and at peace.
Hanalei
Yes my ex had all these “women” waiting for him too. Not in the bushes though. Haha.
But he had them waiting at the mall, at the beach, in my community here, at work and even criminals he arrested wanted to have sex with him. Even the ones in the jail. Basically every woman in this world. Wow. They really have a god like complex. It’s pride. That’s the biggest sin there is. And pride got lucifer kicked out of heaven.
Not being in this perverted world of his is really so wonderful. Thank God for those women everywhere, even in the bushes.
YEs, Those waiting women. They were VULTURES, looking for my bloodied discard to swoop in and validate a sociopath that he was correct to dump deficient unworthy me.
I called those vulture women “back burners” because they KNEW he was married and that didn’t matter to them (except weirdly, they expect the WIFE to respect their affair and not interfere). My ex painted his sob story about settling for marriage to me, his deficient wife. So many were willing to keep their affairs hidden which was perfect for his plans. That way none of them knew about the others.
Finally one woman was of sufficient status and demanded that their relationship be known and he wanted the benefits of her enough that he let me complete the divorce (YAY!). Otherwise he would have never let me divorce. He didn’t even want our separation, he wanted to do whatever he please and have me wait for him.
So yes! THANK GOD for greedy and narcissistic women who thought themselves so superior. They are what made it possible for me to get away! They actually thought he cheated because of ME. NO. My ex cheated because of who HE is, a disgusting low life pond scum slimeball who creeps me out that I ever was intimate with him.
THANK YOU to all you “superior” women. Truly. Thank you. Without you, escape was going to be much more dangerous and difficult.
It’s difficult to know whether we have accurate and complete information about OW, the porn they are doing, their family members, their ‘friends,’ or anyone else the spaths interact with.
Some of the OW may be victims, some may be disordered in various ways, who knows what else.
It’s helpful for recovery to focus as little as possible on the OW and other people the spath is involved with, using, manipulating, victimizing or otherwise playing games with.
Spaths always have and always will use others in various ways, and whatever we happen to know about is probably just a random sample of what they are really doing.
It’s detrimental to our healing to try to figure out what’s going on with the OW – trying to discern whether to warn them about the spath, or hate them, or be grateful to them. It’s best to ignore their existence in our own minds as much as possible.
Annette,
Around 6 months ago I watched the morning news about a man that stabbed his GF to death. The next day at work I was talking to a coworker about my experience about my situation. She mentioned the guy on the news. She finally broke up with him last year because he had assaulted her! Her mother called her about the news and was so grateful that her daughter had survived this man. I would have never expected this information from sharing part of my story with her. Unfortunately, the other woman didn’t survive. It’s all closer to home than we’d like to think…
It may be best not to think about the OW. In my case I’m sure there were plenty, although I don’t know for sure. I’ve suspected. And suspect #1 was with men as well. I found some disturbing things online. Both spaths trolled, #2 especially. My heart goes out to their victims, but at this point if they keep me safer….
On that note, #1 has stalked me regardless of his new relationship(s). Guess the OW has to be the right one for them to disappear.
Wow. I think it must be incredibly difficult for you to have even a measure of peace and security in your life.
I lived my life for 45+ years without any understanding of the existence of evil disordered individuals, psychopaths, etc.
Annette,
It definitely doesn’t help while being stalked that you find out your coworkers ex BF murdered someone! I take it all in the best I can. I had a traumatic upbringing and some more trauma in my early 20’s. I’ve had over a decade of therapy and thought I was in a stronger place. Correct that, I WAS in a stronger place. I do not believe my spaths sought me out because of my past, although they sensed something, along with my strength, and they used my past to their advantage.
All I know is that God is on my side. There is a purpose to all of this. I am a helper and teacher. I teach kids who have autism. I believe in giving back and paying it forward. I pray that one day I will be strong again and be able to somehow pay my spath experiences forward.
I perceive that you are strong now, and that you are paying your experiences forward here on LF. Perhaps in the future you’ll have the opportunity to do more.
I also pray for opportunities to make positive changes in the world and to help others if God chooses to use me.
Annette,
I want to thank you for this post. I appreciate your support and I do feel stronger!
Hopefully you’ll get your book out there one day.:) I’d read it!!!
Not what he said
I totally agree with Hanalei. This was your best post. I agree with you how you look at these “other women”. While I only felt disgust for that final one , at the same time she was “special”. Special in a way that she was sin”irrestibable ” to him that he became so sloppy and careless in juggling his affair and his family at the same time. All the other ones before her he was able to hide it so very well. But this last one , he finally started the discard phase. While it was the most painful time of my life, it gave me everything I was praying for. Now , he can have them all. All these women who want sex with him. Oh, I forgot about his attorney. She wanted him also. So glad thf judge in my divorce was a man. …..,
Thistoo,
I believe you have come a long way.
You are on the up and up!
We both are. I was worn out looking as well and 95 lbs. I gained it all back, like my job and my apartment too!
I have been sporadically journaling again, and I pretty much just jotted down 30 something lies, I knew for sure and 11 contradictions.
Lies about any ol thing, but alot surrounding one lie.
I’d say that’s pretty pathological huh?
I feel validated.
Yaay!
I hope you don’t have to move if you really wouldn’t want to.
🙂
Remember,
Yep! Pathologic at best! So many lies….and just think, you’re only recording the ones you recognize, which makes me believe the lies are way worse than you can imagine! In reading women who love psychopaths, I compared my exes to the author’s scales and they both scored extremely high! Just 3-6 characteristics off, and that’s only what I can identify in them! Who knows….
I lost a ton of weight too but am on the up and up. I won’t weigh myself but image I’m at around 110 now. With spath #2 he complained about my weight. I was at 120 and he wanted me to lose at least 5 lbs. He commented that he wanted me to be back at my “anorexic weight.” The weight I was so uncomfortable with when I found out I had celiacs disease and started no gluten (I was down to 93 then). The weight that took me 3 years to put back on and I was so happy when I did! I was never anorexic and it was an embarrassing 3 years of my life. People would say things like, “Go eat a sandwich.” Um, hello??? At the time it was hard to find gluten free bread! Haha.
I’m not going to move. For now, at least. I was having a fearful night last night. They don’t happen often now. Only a couple of times a week. I want to see how things ride out. An anniversary is coming up with stalker #1….he wanted to marry me when his son graduated high school, which is very soon. I’m waiting to see if things get worse again. If so, the move may be on!
I saw my counselor today. We talked about #2’s patterns and how he waits to contact because he counts on me contacting him. Not the case this time! We figure I’ll have a couple of months of peace and then see what happens. She said now that I’m officially NC and no way for him to contact me, he will try to contact in some other way.
I plan to live my life for me now. If something happens, it happens and I’ll report it to the police. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in danger, but this is MY life dammit!!!! I won’t run….unless my life depends on it! 🙂
Thistoo,
I want to read that book very soon.
I read The Gift of Fear.
Without a Conscience, and listened to The Sociopath Next Door and People of the Lie.
The checklist in the Gift of Fear I checked 3/4 or more off of the abuser traits…
I got a tad riled up today thinking, now that there’s no email and I spoke to his cousin that what if he got mad…he would have to call my job, and he was told not to.
I doubt he would try any more contact since he’s soo wanted by “any girl he can have”, but I could never win with any response, so I would file a RO for sure. I can’t play games.
I remember you saying to have a plan.
We are doing it!!
🙂
Remember,
I promise you’ll value the read! Especially because it points out traits in women I believe you have. Good traits that are used for their gain. When you read it, please correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m to chapter 5 of Gift of fear, so we’ll see.
He may contact again. Expect the unexpected! I’ve learned from #1 that they will go serious and unexpected lengths. There is always the RO but trust your gut on getting one, if that time comes. Hopefully not! I regret not having the paper trail but at the time I felt like an RO would’ve egged #1 on, so I decided against it. Not to mention the police didn’t take the death threats seriously. Since then, when I’ve contacted the police they have been very helpful. They are often parked outside my home and/or are frequently driving by.
Do you have a safety plan? It may be worth talking to your local woman’s facility about. What will you do if he does contact? What if he shows up unexpected? At home or when you’re in public? How will you react? Things like that.
You can never be too safe with men (people) like these.
Thistoo,
Well, if I saw him in public I would have to ask like he doesn’t exist.
If he approached me I would have to tell him to walk away. He wouldn’t though. He is too caught up in himself.
I have texts from before telling me not to tell people about his problems or he will do the same something like that.
I have a text that says go spend another 15.00 and i’ll find out that number too.
I have an email admitting he was abusive to me 3 times. Also one where he says stop saying about knocking your teeth out, I was upset.
We also documented dates, times, and numbers when he called my job those 3x after I changed my number.
I know he has moved on, but he would be one phone call from a RO.
🙂
I mean he wouldn’t approach me. He would be with a girl. He doesn’t talk to any males. Only females.
Lol
Remember,
I won’t be surprised when/if he contacts you in some way. Even it’s just to check up on you. He may be gone for good. That would be best. Still, he’s clearly a bad man and usually bad men check up. If anything when they are trying to recycle their supply. I dated #2 before #1. Now I know he was recycling and I was a good catch. He could see I was down even before I knew #1 was going to be a stalker. I wasn’t interested in having a relationship. He acted as my friend and the love bombing came soon after. What a creep!
If he contacts again do you feel you will definitely get an RO? I know you regret not filing charges for the physical aspect of his abuse. It may be worth it in your case if you feel *right* about it at the time.
You’re so convinced he’s moved on. I believe even if he’s not contacting they never fully move on. They strive for control, even if in their own minds.
Hey Thistoo,
I don’t know about your ex #2, but mine sure was keen on having the last word…esp in ALL his emails, to which I stopped replying to, but looks like this time I/WE have the last word!
Return to sender.
Yes, silence/no response is the supreme “last word” because it means we no longer are letting them push our buttons, pull our strings, and we’re not dancing the crazy dance with them anymore.
Remember,
I love this. They want their last word and most likely feel like they have it.
Please return to sender. That makes me more motivated than anything! It is our last word, not theirs!
I can’t even begin to tell you how much better I feel now that there’s no way for him to contact me. I find so much comfort in not being able to check to see if he’s contacted me or not!
Proof that NC is for us, not them! I feel so much more relaxed and happier now that I’ve deleted all ways of contact.
Thistoo,
Yep, from his I have decided to leave you alone emails to what do I need to do to be with you, to it’s our year ann this week…
It’s all OVER, I don’t have to check on what bullshit he will come up with next.
I feel like I had the last word.
Loser!
We Are free!!!!
I see you usually write at night, but sonetimes I write back in the day anyways. Lol
I used to be so distracted by him at work it was rediculous!!!
Remember,
Being so distracted at work…I don’t miss those days!
Please keep writing back during the week days!! It helps me pull through to read, especially on my harder days. 🙂
I appreciate you all LF friends! Thank you for being here for me and each other!!
Thank you, Donna!
I am also reading THE GIFT OF FEAR, and I recognized some of what you were talking about, like if and when a restraining order is helpful. I never would have thought that a RO could make things worse. Lots of good information in these books.
Never,
I want to order Women who love Psychopaths asap.
🙂
neveragain,
Getting a RO is about trusting your gut. In reading the Gift of Fear I recognized him saying it’s not always right. I am so grateful that I started counseling at my local women’s shelter last sumer after the death threats. They are so experienced in this type of stuff. My counselor questioned me on getting a RO. I’ve had one in the past (years ago) and strongly felt that I’d be putting myself in more danger if I got one against him. She said, “Trust your gut!” And I did. At the time i feel like a RO would’ve hurt me.
Now that he’s so covert I’m sad I didn’t start a paper trail. At least I’m safe and that counts more than anything. Although I haven’t filed anything officially, the police are still aware that I’m having issues and take it seriously when I’ve had to call.
I’m sad they didn’t take me seriously in the beginning, but am grateful I’ve spoken to police since that have been very concerned about my well being.
And the part about expecting the unexpected! We must be watchful going forward….
In response to expecting the unexpected, that’s been key in my experience with #1! He’s gone to lengths I would’ve never imagined.
What can really help all of us is looking at our spaths behavior patterns. They all have patterns.
For example, #1 works in 3’s to 4’s in his covert ways. Something I may initially think of as “a coincidence” escalates to more times and I know it’s him. I’ve figured out with him there is no coincidence.
#2 keeps distance and waits a couple of months for me to contact. Which I have. We’ve been apart 4 months. I am dedicated to NC now. He pushed me over my limits. My counselor and I talked about it. I said I figure I have some time (a couple of months) before he reaches out again. She agrees. That’s a good feeling but I know to be aware of the unexpected sooner than later when he realizes I wasn’t BS’ing about not contacting him again…..Time will tell.
Bottom line, it’s all about their patterns. Believe what they show you over time! They stay true to their patterns. That’s what they know and what works best for them. Kind of like running the tape of conversations in our head. It’s always the same old story….
I honestly think they will never move on. Like my ex who wanted to be “happy and free”, free if his family obligation, free of his wife , free for his minions to carry out his perverted life. But it is still not enough. He still tries once in awhile to “push my buttons”. It must be painful for them to being ignored , not recognized , not worshipped , not being in control of his former family. It must truly be a defeat. I still feel like a winner even though I am not competing with him.
Annette , I understand what you are saying about the other women. I still feel thankful that he left fif her because I sure would not be alive today if he didn’t. I still believe she saved my life. Without her he would have not left. Without her I would be the cryibg mess I used to be. Without her I would be the nothing he wanted me to be. I would have never removed myself from this craziness without him leaving. I would have never filed for divorce. So in a way “she ” is very “special ” to me. She is and will always be a w***** but I am still grateful she crossed his path at work.
Kaya,
Even though he may never move on (to maintain some sick control in his mind), how wonderful that you are FREE! It may take the OW, or in my case with #1 the crazy stalking. Whatever led us here, we are blessed.
Still, I feel sorry for every victim, at least ones like us. Although I believe they don’t typically seek out women who are bad and are similar to them, unless it provides them with something. I have no proof that #2 was sleeping/dating others but my gut tells me he was. He was definitely trolling all the time. I’ve now believe that when I dated him for 3 months prior to spath #1 I was the OW. I met some friends but he would not accept me as a friend on FB. His attitude was way different than when I dated him the 2nd time, and the first time around he didn’t want to see me all the time. He love bombed me partially, if that makes sense. 2nd time around, when I was weak and only wanting friendship because of #1, game on!!!
Thistoo,
You know what? I agree that they never fully move on, because he talked about his exs alot-ish.
Him and his stories, shut the hell up. So, yea, i’m sure he’s makimg up sob stories about me.
If he did call my job, he would most likely hang up when answered.
I would go with how I feel like you say. It was the verbal assult to physically hurt me that time in the kitchen. I had never experienced ANYthing like that before! Even scarier that I took him back!
It should have never went a day past that.
I must have been temporary insane!
I am very very glad that I/we closed the email addresses!!!!
No urge to check for the sweet, kind, caring, emails.
I’m waiting to hear back from a therapists office. I liked her profile, she emailed me back.
I’m ready to start with a new clinical psychologist.
🙂
That’s cool you are starting art therapy!
Remembertoforget, I agree that they never fully move on. My ex talked about his first wife (the mother of his kids) all the time, as well as kept tabs on her, and looked for reasons to get cross-wise with her. For example, he always had a snit at the holidays, wanting to change the protocol and try to mess up her holiday with the kids (all adults) when it worked just fine as is. It ruined the festivities and made his kids run around to meet his needs. Over the years I suggested ways to compromise and have a relaxed time and he refused. They had been divorced 15+ years when I met him”and he still kept what I thought of as “journals of hate” documenting all her moves and wrongdoings during the custody battle for the kids. Every once in awhile he’d pull one out and want to read it to me and “reminisce”. As for the ex wife, she kept her distance and never communicated with him.
His second wife died, and he talked about her all the time too – both wonderful things that made me feel like I was competing with her (a poor dead woman), AND things that made me wonder why he ever married her.
I have no doubt at all that he talks about me in the same ways to his new wife – if only to manipulate her.
Just as long as he stays away from me.
They never move on because they were never bonded in a past relationship in the first place. They have no love and respect for the special relationship they had with an ex, so they use it for whatever they want to get at any given moment.
People treat others pretty much the same across the board, so however they used their past ex’s they will use us victims in future conversations with new victims.
The way someone treats others – with respect or with contempt – has very little to do with the person they are respecting or contempting. It is a reflection on the person who is choosing to be respectful or contemptuous.
HanaM,
OMG, he would talk about his dead ex so nicely and how he would have married her, and sexual thing he told me once too in a convo.
Totally had her on the pedestal! I was almost jealous of a dead girl…
The other 2 exs, he hates the kids mother who took them and ran while he was at work to far up north. Boo hoo stories about her.
The ex he was bffs with, after he gave her car back she suddenly was a bitch!
They are all the same, and yes, as long as he satys away from me too!!
Remembertoforget, now, today, I don’t believe anything he told me about either of them. After the discard, I did share a few things with one of his daughters, who shared them with her mom (I had never met the mom). The feedback I got was that he treated her pretty much the same way he treated me.
My ex told me that his second wife was very sexual when they were dating and living together, but as soon as he “signed on the dotted line” (his words) and got married, she basically cut him off. I have no idea if any of that is true, but I do know that it completely manipulated me to feel sorry for him and make sure he had all the sex he could handle from me so he could never say the same about me. Little did I know he was getting it everywhere else too. God only knows what he was telling them.
I am so glad I never married him. And I’m so glad that his current wife did”her saying yes ensured he didn’t come back to me telling me he was so wrong and realized (for the 47th time) that he never wanted to be apart from me again. Sick.
My ex P also talked way too much about his ex, even/especially after I asked him not to. I also told him half joking, half serious, to be careful, I may end up taking their sides. This was during the love bombing stage and I (wrongly) discerned that he was just hurt and bitter from his first ex wife leaving him.
He also used his complaints about his first ex to manipulate me into not doing the same thing. A couple of years into the ‘marriage’ I was pretty much doing the exact same things he said his first ex did. I recognized that I didn’t act out poorly in my first marriage (to a good man, I was widowed), but that both P’s wives’ behavior deteriorated.
Lots of what he told me about his first ex wasn’t true.
Consider that your ex spath marrying his current wife may not ensure that he won’t try to come whining back to you. That’s more of a normal-ish response. Spaths are so abnormal that they can spin almost any circumstance to justify doing something they feel like doing that they think they can exploit someone for something.
I think that a really good way to keep him away is how you’re letting him think you’re forever pining away for him. If he can groove on the power and control based on the (false) premise that he’s continually hurting you by staying away from you, and that you are continually thinking of him; there’s a good chance he’ll stay away.
I’m doing the same with my ex P, because I also perceive he’s less of a danger to me. I was thinking lately that it’s time for me to send the annual email telling him if he ever changes I’m open minded blah blah blah, which lets him think I’m still pining away for him. It kind of turns my stomach more than ever this year, so I haven’t been able to bring myself to send it.
Another thing that I believe is working for me is that on some subconscious or (evil) spiritual level my ex P ‘knows’ that his mask has slipped and his tactics won’t work as well on me. “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
Annette
I do have to agree with you about once they’re married you’re not off the hook.
Although mine abruptly ended what I thought was a pretty damn good relationship, so suddenly to turn around and marry someone else, in no way stopped him from contact.
At the time when it all happened, I was distraught and even was prepared to accept what he’d done if only he would just get in touch with me. That was the beginning and I can see now I was hurt and sad, accept what he’d done. After not hearing from him and him telling me he wanted his life to be normal, I went NC. I did nothing to contact him for 4 months and figured he was married, still understanding his mental disorder of being an S or whatever he is, I accepted that newly married men just don’t look at other women and I gave up and eventually became mad and disgusted, thanks to the NC
Out of the blue after I semi started to move on, he crawled back out of the woodwork, pleading to give him another chance, he’d do anything just to see me again and he was so so sorry he left me and married someone on a whim.
Normally when a normal person does this, the thought has been in their minds about their wrong doings and have been unhappy, right? No, after declaring all he had to me about his wrong doings, the very next day…he once again loved his new wife and didn’t want to upset her or hurt her. This was his new life now, forget what he said the day before but he was not thinking straight, he said…
So yes, once married, it doesn’t stop them.
Sorry I’m sure I’ve told this story on here many times, just wanted to reply to your above post n
In my experience, they don’t really get ‘married’ in the normal sense. It’s just another way to play their games. My ex P wasn’t really ever ‘married’ to his first ex wife nor to me, and he never really was ‘unmarried’ to the first ex – he kept communicating with her in weird ways.
Remember and HM,
OMG both my spaths would not shut up about thier exes! I knew them all by name and felt like I’d lived their lives!!
Spath #1 had a particular ex he loved to talk about. She found out he led a double life on her (of course he’d NEVER do that again!). She was devastated. He made her seem like she was the one that made his life hell and to do XYZ behind her back. She left the country to teach for almost a year and he admitted he encouraged her and had revenge by having another girlfriend + other sexual relationships. When I contacted her about him she said she thought it was strange that I contacted her and still talked to him but that I should trust my gut. And then she told him. WTF?
#2 played exes against me ALL the time. In fact, he is still in contact with his ex wife who is now married to a woman (I believe he poisened her dog while we were together…long story) and he is friends with an ex that he claimed he was with for only 3 months the first time we dated and 2nd time we dated he said they were together on and off for a year. I believe they were together only 3 months. She doesn’t yet know what he is. She is a very empathetic and kind person. He lived with an ex for 4 years who is MIA and hated how she didn’t discipline her 4 children enough. I bet he did! He would compare me to all 3 ALL the time. He talked about how horrible they were in the beginning but then started telling me all the great things about them and basically how I would never measure up.
UGH. Such assholes!!!!!
Remembertoforget, Thistooshallpass, & HanaleiMoon,
it’s all about conditioning (training )their victim from day one…they tell you their ex did such and such and they hated when they did those things, they are conditioning you to do what they want by saying their ex did it…a very covert form of manipulation. Also they were using triangulation to train you (us) to do exactly what they wanted other wise they would break up with us just like they did with their ex.
My ex said in the beginning that he “hated that his ex talked to everyone about their relatinship”….well now I know exactly why she was telling everyone that he was a bad person rightfully so…but he conditioned me so that I did not talk to everyone…it was a form of isolating me from my family/friends without me even knowing what he was doing. I did think it was weird that he said that statement but did not know what to say at the time back to him.
So crazy that they live min of their days manipulating people…they never get tried lying & manipulation.
Jan7, you are exactly right that it is all about training from day one. It’s crystal clear in hindsight.
My ex’s top three were sex, cooking and money. His training was very effective and it was textbook how he turned them around and used them against me when it suited him.
The morning of the last day I ever saw him, after he had treated me inhumanly the day before, I made him a lovely breakfast before taking him to the airport”thinking that would “please” him and end the visit on a better note and when I sat it in front of him, he sneered and said “you think cooking bacon solves everything” or something similar and I was stunned and actually thought to myself, well, yes I do, since YOU taught me that.
He knew that years before my husband had disappeared without warning and basically vanished off the face of the earth and how it had hurt me. That morning, he kept up a constant dialog of my failures on the hour trip to the airport and right before we got there, told me that my ex husband had been a total con man and never loved me at all.
I remember thinking how odd it was that he would bring that up at that particular time, since my ex husband hadn’t come up in years. It wasn’t until months passed after HE abandoned me that I realized my ex knew abandoning me in the same way would be what would hurt me most”it had probably been on the agenda since the day he found out that had happened to me.
Well played, m-f’er. Well played. I can see him chuckling around his sloppy cigar over his cleverness. Telling his new woman that I conned him into buying that house and then went off my meds and became a psycho so he had to leave to protect himself and
he lost “so much” money and was left with a broken heart (all lies of course), so that he could train HER to be better than I was, assure him that she was in all the way and would never do such a thing so he could get HER to “sign on the dotted line” and marry him, turning over everything she had to him.
It is an endless cycle until they die. The only thing that changes is the technique that they tailor to each new victim.
I now realize that my ex-husband was some sort of disordered. But at least all he did was disappear and break my heart. This ex stole me blind and left me for dead, all for the sport of it.
I fully expect that he tries to keep tabs on me. I hope that is enough for him and that he never decides to contact me in any way, but I expect the unexpected and try to be prepared. I hope to never hear his voice or lay eyes on him again.
Jan7,
Thank you for this post. It hits home with me and I’ve realized so much of what he was doing. It was all about the conditioning. He would even tell me about certain beauty tactics one ex used. I.e., I told him I’d been complimented on my eyebrows a lot and he said, “You know, maybe you shouldn’t pluck them, you’re eyebrows may drop. My exYZ would have her eyebrows threaded. She also used blah blah blah in her moisturizer.” I snapped back at him. It bothered me so much. Such a small thing but he was telling me how I should groom myself. He did that a lot.
One other thing, that had nothing to do with others…he’d tell me “You make me happy.” Aka, I was responsible if he wasn’t. “I love how you always text me and tell me the reason you haven’t texted in a while.” Aka, he needed to know exactly what I’d been up to. “No one else listens to me, you’re the only who does.” Aka, I’d better keep listening to his boring ass life or else! He would say these things over and over. And the list goes on. Conditioning at best!
Thistooshallpass, it’s all a mind game to control their victims from the second they meet someone. So scary that these evil people exist.
LOL with your comment: “No one else listens to me, you’re the only who does.” Aka, I’d better keep listening to his boring ass life or else!
Their stories are soooooooooooo boring!!!! love the “boring ass life” part of your statement.
Jan7,
It’s so sick. It still bothers me that #2 preyed on my when I was weak and in the early stages of the serious stalking from #1. And trust me, I resisted him! I created so many boundaries and said no several times. I now know that made it more of a challenge from him. Love bombing to the max until I finally didn’t have the energy to fight it anymore. I remember us talking at one point about how I caved and what a great thing that was! Turns out had I listening to myself and my first reactions to want to stay distant I would’ve never been in this place with him! Man, he was good at the mind games….so sad.
His boring ass life, haha! And he thought he was sooo fascinating! In his mind he was perfect, always right. He was GOD! It irritated the hell out of me sometimes when he talked. My counselor says that’s another huge RED FLAG. When the person irritates us when they talk they usually have a higher agenda and it’s our body/minds way of telling us something is not right.
Yep…my ex talked about his ex’s. And I agree it was to control me.
In his case his ex’s all tried to control him…told him what to do . Treated him like a child.
So of course, I went out of my way to make sure I didn’t do the same. Didn’t want more stress in his life.
Geez and I told him repeatedly that I didn’t have time nor the will to try and “control” him. He is a grown man.
But I guess it worked. I believed the lies.
Remember,
Consider taking everything he says about others with a grain of salt. It could be true, or it may not be, but it’s totally random. Whatever they say is based on what they are trying to exploit their victim for, not on conveying accurate information.