UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
WOW, yep. They really are ALL the same, the disordered ones!
Guess now someone has to listen to them run their mouth about us!
Haha! So true! They’ll get to hear about how crazy we are and then be compared to us! I can already hear that tape developing/running! So it goes…around and around and around….
Pathetic.
I got the same story! That her ex freezes her out and she hadn’t had sex for 4 years! I felt the same way you did…the pity ploy worked…over and over. Her ex told me she had others on the side and she denied it….guess who I believed?
Not to admit to anything or justify herself in any way, but she told me that “everything washes off.” Not EVERYTHING……..
Jan, Thistoo, Hm,
Good, so now I know for sure when he said it worries him and upsets him to kow that I would break up with him if he did anything messed up- because he wouldn’t break up wiyh me even if I cheated on him!
Conditioning? Manipulation? Well, that one didn’t work. A ****.
Wow. They do work hard at it huh?
He was telling you you had no right to leave him no matter how badly he treated you, and that he had a right to treat you badly. When he said that he probably had a good idea you wouldn’t cheat on him because of the person you are, and so he was offering nothing.
I don’t think spaths really ‘care,’ in the normal sense of the word, whether their partner cheats or not because they don’t value the relationship and they sure don’t value monogamy. They just use whatever others do – good or bad – to their advantage according to their motives – to exploit others for whatever they want.
They work hard at what they do, because it’s all that they do.
Annette
Yes exactly they do not care about the relationship, it’s just something that feeds their supply or ego for the moment.
One point I had found an email he meant to be sent to someone else but accidentally sent to me. In it he was begging this woman( and its not the one he eventually married) to “please go out and find another guy, take pics and send to him”. That he “loves her and their upcoming trip was in the plans” These were the exact words and requests he would say to me when he was “in the mood”
I believe he had some sort of standard message he would send out to many ppl when he was in this frame of thinking. I don’t know whether he had a physical relationship with this person like he had with me, it could have been someone he was prowling after online, but he had many like that yuck.
Monogamy or marriage or a relationship or trust, honesty or love, was not in my ex vocab. And I know now, I was not respected or valued because of his allowance to let me be with other men, which i did not because its not my belief. You don’t do that in a relationship that you value.
Remember
I have to laugh at how you mentioned yours wouldn’t break up with you, even I you cheated
Throughout the three years with mine, it was long distance as well, he begged me to go out and f**k someone (sorry to be crude but I’m using his words) because we were not together each day and he can understand a woman needing to be with someone. So this went on the whole time together…I found it so odd this behavior. Of course I never went out and did what he requested, never. But for some odd reason this completely turned him on, imagine? The idea of screwing around on him was a major fantasy of his. He used to beg me so much that I finally pretended I did it, just to pls him!
So he never left me for “doing”‘what he asked, he loved it so much.
Wouldn’t a normal man Leave someone for screwing behind their backs, I would ask him. He never knew why he liked this behavior or never admitted it. Big big red flag
Remember,
A*****! For sure! Of course they wouldn’t leave if we were cheating. They wanted US and it didn’t matter. Annette made an excellent point, they knew we would never do something like cheat so they weren’t worried about it. That’s part of the reason they picked us. Our character.
Speaking of which, #2’s favorite line, “I’m not worried about it.” Aka, that will probably never happen. And/or he believed he had control of the future of anything I did! Actions, how I appeared, acted…how people would respond to me….everything! He said that about almost every insecurity I had or when I questioned him on anything that had to do with us and our future. Dick.
Btw, I hate not writing back during the day! I keep up on everyone’s posts but it’s too busy and hard for me to respond while I’m at work.
Annette,
And that was the thing that bothered me the whole time, that did he treat his 2 exs like this? I was confused…they were both with him for years and he didn’t leave them.
That, is he only being abusive and a mess to me?
Of course, he said no, he wasn’t like that with hisex, this is all from the stress if her leaving and taking the kids.
I refuse to believe he was only a pathological liar, verbal abusive, dominant, paranoid, and physical 2x with only ME!
Not likely right?
:/
He is a pathological liar and abuser because that is what he chooses to do and it has nothing to do with how good or bad a person you and any other victim is. He chooses to lie and abuse based on his character and values.
It is very unlikely that he treated anyone else differently. If he is ever nice to anyone, it is because he thinks that doing a few things that appear nice (like in the love bombing stage), will get him what he wants. Even if he is only nice to someone and never abusive, it is because he thinks that technique will work for him. If he thinks abusing will get him what he wants, he will switch to abusing in a hearbeat with the same person he has been ‘nice’ to.
The definition of a spath, and the basis for their harmful behavior, is that they have no values that include a commitment to honesty, and to the well being of others. They do not do relationships. They fake relationships (and anything and everything else) to get things they want. They do not want the bond that comes from honesty and trust, nor do they want the well being of others.
AnnettePk,
HA! To get things they want….!
Now I see how when I would get him or give him a lil something, he would say, nobody ever gives me anything-or gets stuff for him….how he’s always giving in his past.
Looks like that too was a ploy to get me to want to give him stuff!
I knew that sounded like bs, but I didn’t think there was an agenda behind it!!!!!!!
Wow.
Remember
That is highly unlikely that a pathologic liar can pick and choose who to lie to. As well as being verbally abusive and be paranoid and dominant.
Perhaps they choose what to lie about to this person or that person. But it’s a disorder being this way, just as mine has a disorder.
Consider an alcoholic saying this will be my last drink right now..without the proper skills and tools and treatment, it’s doubtful that’s the last drink..same with an overeater or perhaps a smoker.
Liars are born this way..he may realize (or maybe not even realize because they’re incapable) the trouble he is due to lying, may say “I won’t lie anymore from that point” but I doubt they fix themselves.
You def were not the first, not the last, that he has done this too. The ones before you are gone for a reason…and chances are high that he lied about why they left!!
An honest person is committed to speaking the truth all the time because of all the benefits of it: meaningful relationships and bonds based on trust and real emotional intimacy. People don’t lie because they are committed to doing what they believe it right. This is what creates good character.
Without a commitment to honesty even when it’s difficult to do, means the spath says whatever will work to get what he wants at the time – without regard to whether it’s true or not. If what they say is true, it’s a coincidence, it’s not because they are committed to speaking the truth. If what they say is a lie, it makes absolutely no difference to them. They have no conscience. If they did have a conscience, their lies would bother them and they would not lie and they would correct the outstanding lies they’ve already told.
The result of the spath’s lack of commitment to honesty is that every single thing they ever say is absolutely meaningless. And they do not have a real relationship with anyone. They have followers, victims, pawns, minions. They do not have friends, spouses, children, siblings, etc.
Jane, Annette, LF,
I’m seeing how this whole recovery thing works in stages, or steps.
We really can’t get all our details and stories out in one shot, and little by little we do get it out, and as we/you guys bounce things back and forth at us, it all comes correct.
Just in the past 2 days of me saying some silly details or asking questions and jotting down facts again, and hearing your feedback is awesome!
Thanks you guys…
I read it was normal to question back and forth for a bit about was he? Or wasn’t he?
I have no doubts or confusion anymore.
I guess a hard realization is tnat they truly don’t care and have an evil agenda.
Annette,
Thank you.
He said one time, i’m usually the guy that doesn’t care. Hmmmm.
Then another time, he said he was the pushover.
I know. All bullshit.
And he would verbal abuse or threaten over NOTHING. A comment he takes as a slight.
Not normal.
It just makes me feel better thinking that he will be the same to everyone.
Two personalities.
Thank you……
They blame us for their behavior, so we end up trying to change them which is impossible. The truth is the opposite – most of the victims’ poor behavior is a normal response to their abuse.
JD,
And he didn’t know why he liked and/or never admitted it. Uggggghhh.
Of course, they have amnesia!
There were 2 occasions where my ex had sex with me while I was asleep. Yes, I woke up, but was not reciprocating and literally woke up to it already in action….
I wasn’t going to push my boyfriend off of me, but I had an eerie feeling.
I mentioned it the next day, he blew it off.
When we broke up we were screaming fighting, I was like yea, you probably raped her! His ex that ran with the small children. Blablabla…
His comeback was a lie saying we were two people in bed and that happened and I enjoyed it.
No, he left and I went to bed and he came back and then it happened.
One time I woke him up because I couldn’t sleep because we had a big fight, and God for Bid!
He had a narc rage attack.
Wow, but it’s ok for him to wake me up half unconsious to him helping himself!
EEEEEEWWWWW!
I suspected but never knew for sure that it was normal to question and re-question ourselves about whether they “were or weren’t” a path….glad to hear that it is normal. But each day with more time and distance…it gets better.
Never again
I have to say it’s been 9-10 months out for me and though I know the bad he is, pretty regularly the fake good pops in my head and I question it if he is or if he isn’t an s or n. I still find I’m learning constantly and manage to question. I guess that’s the good in us as normal ppl trying to find the good in them. I have a hard time coming to understand that the “good” side of him isn’t really him, I still have a hard time with that.
Another way to look at it is who cares how bad or not bad the ex spath is or isn’t; he was making us miserable, lying and cheating.
We victims give them such extreme benefits of the doubt, and spend a lot of energy looking at ourselves to see what we can do better. These are good qualities to have in relationships with normal considerate caring people, but spaths take advantage of these good qualities.
This too
Yeh when they spoke, in my case it was always about him and what he was doing at that moment. Once in a while he would finally get his eyes peeled away from computer and say something about what I was wearing and he liked it…that was all I ever got out of him and the rest was him
A favorite pastime we had was watching movies, of his choice of course, and ordering pizza. The movie was what he liked and it always was one he had seen, that way he could tell me each detail of the film before it ended. I hated that! I used to say “don’t tell me what happens” and he completely would block out I had said this and go on to tell me the entire movie each and every time. And I never liked his choice of movies, ever, but to me it was important because we’d be together. Nope he had to ruin it every time. . I don’t know if this is a form of control but it’s one of the many things that irritated me, like hearing his voice! F**k! I shd have listened to my inner voice telling me to run
JD…
Me too, watching movies of his choice, none I liked, he controlled the music too.
All he was good for was sex, eating, and slummin around. I looked crappy with him because I was always stressed out or drained.
And although he didn’t overtly try to isolate me, I felt EXtremely Isolated being with him. Completely over-taken by a force!!!
Remember
Me too! So isolated and not by his choice either. I just preferred giving him my full attention when we were together. Also I don’t think any of my friends approved of the things I told them about him and they wouldn’t want to socialize together so I didn’t bother
Mine was forever and ever on his computer trying to get his studies completed. That was a positive thing, schooling was his priority and he did do well, I will give him this. But being on that computer also gave him the opportunity to scope the scene and he spent as much time doing that when I was not around
I used I refer to him as a hobbit, never went out, go long periods without food and most days would go to sleep around 6 am because he was busy with women from different time zones.
I sometimes felt I was a “stepford wife”. Just going through the daily motions with them in control! You have to know “the stepford wives ” movies from years ago..you may have to google, I was very young when they were popular but I do remember it!
Remembertoforget and JaneDoe, same here, we watched a lot of movies too and they were always his choice, music too.
In our early days, one time he put on Dean Martin and I commented that Dean Martin always made me feel a little sad because the music reminded me of my dad, who had passed away a few years earlier. Just a simple, passing comment. He said oh, lets change the music then. A few years later, when he was setting me up for a mini-discard by listing all my flaws, he threw out that he couldn’t even listen to the music he liked when he was with me because it UPSET (said in a very snarky tone) me. I said wth are you talking about!? And he brought up that Dean Martin thing!! I had forgotten all about it. I swear he kept notes on things so he could use them against me later.
HM
God forbid you had a sad moment. Probably because it was you reminiscing, and it involved something about your feelings…he brought it up years later…what a gem.
H Moon,
My ex did & said similar things.
In your case, he apparently had very little to criticize you for, so he came up with the most ridiculous things. It indicates you just didn’t give him much ammunition.
Remember
Mine wasn’t great in the sex dept.
I don’t mean to be graphic but it sometimes could be an hour or more before he finished. Sometimes he’d roll over and say “don’t worry, my body is just physically tired, it’s not you”
If I ever brought up the fact that it “didn’t happen” for him he would get very upset, almost like he knows it’s a problem. But I used to think it’s because he was doing it himself being on the computer with women and skyping them all the time, that made more sense.
I mean I understood at his age it slows down at some point and it didn’t bother me as much as it did him. But he really wasn’t anything great sexually even if it did work!
Funny though he used to focus on me all the time during sex and it didn’t matter about him…hmmm I never figured that out actually.
I think it’s been empirically proven that when a man does porn he generally can’t perform with a real live woman. It messes up the brain and the system, not withstanding that he’s exhausted his supply for the day on porn,
An hour or more is better than eight unsuccessful hours then have to go to work on no sleep because you are the only one with a job because the sociopath is too precious to actually work for someone less perfect than the sociopath.
Huh……what’s with the movies? He had a huge movie collection. Talked about them all the time. Sometimes I wanted to say, “you know the people in the movie aren’t real, right?”
Thought it was just him.
JD,
Yep, I know about the Stepford Wives…
Mine had no interest in going around my friends, and got pissy one day bc we were right by my friends house so I just wanted to stop by and say hi, she lives way out west from me, i’m by the beach….so, he says why did you do that, call her and tell her. I need a day in advance notice!!
Dick.
He didn’t eat much when I met him, or use the potty to pee. I asked h