UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Cont…
him, are you human?
On comp always, video games, music in his earphones, then stopped that.
Always on phone playing with apps, but phone was usually placed face down, and locked.
I said shit about that.
Ringer off, incase baby mama called, (lie) she didn’t call.
Unlocked his phone, by then who cares!
Total idiot!
I down-gradd
Down graded for sure!
Never again!!!
They are all the same. I was not allowed to stop and talk to friends in my neighborhood. He would say “you don’t need to talk to them”. Sometimes when my son and I talked it would bother him. “Can’t you 2 just be quiete for a change?” It was always about him. The things my son and I found funny he would not even smile. They only time when he would smile, when someone’s feelings got hurt of when someone was in pain. One time , some older woman thought I was the mother of my husband. He found that to be the funniest thing in the world. He would not even correct her. Instead he said “I am so handsome and young looking , they think you are my mother. Gosh, you must look so old compared to me “. Hahaha. And he would laugh about for months. He was only 2-1/2 years younger than me. And yes, they want to be God. Huge red flag. He had no humor at all. Always on his I phone , disguising picture hiding under apps called “keep my stuff private “. They look like calculator apps but they are not. Always on the computer, in porn sites, on Ashley Maddison. So sickening. I found his profile “attached, sexy police officer looking for affairs , anything goes”. When I asked him he said the computer made his profile. He really thought I was an idiot.
Se how little they value us. We are absolutely nothing to them. The same with his son. My ex’s so called “tears and sadness” over the loss of his son don’t bother me one bit. He made his bed. Too late. He can make a new family with his minions.
I don’t miss these horrible times. And I don’t see the good times. What I perceived as good was an illusion. Nothing was good about this marriage. Nothing. I think we can all be thankful for discards or for leaving. Looking back I know I would not be alive today if I stayed He would havd slowly destroyed me and got away with it. I am so super lucky.
Kaya
What a horrible person..no class and a very inhuman person..who does that? Just the way he spoke to you is enough to be behind bars
Not to mention his ads for a sexy police offer..I would hit “delete” if I saw that ad. Big red flag there!
You don’t need that kind of poison and neither does your son and you are in a happier and normal place..you don’t need that negative influence in your home.
Sounds like he married you to ridicule you because he thinks nobody can be better than him
It’s a good thing your son was younger, or maybe it’s too bad actually, he could have punched his lights out if he heard his father speak that way to you…wouldn’t that be something.
Today , my pastor was talking about how we should not take revenge against ouf enemies. Instead we pray for them. We pray that they will ask for forgiveness. We leave it up to our Lord to deal with them. We don’t communicate with them. We just sit back and watch our God will act according to his plan not ours.
This is why I am not bitter , I don’t hate my ex, I just don’t care about him. He needs to answer to God and pray for forgiveness. I am in no place to stand up to the enemy and seek revenge. This why the no contact/silence is best. You don’t deal with the enemy. Instead you let God handle it .
Jane doe
Thanks for your kind words. As my son got older I felt like he was protecting me. He would say to my ex “you don’t talk to my mother in that way or similar “. It never got physical , but probably would have. My ex was 6’1, 230 pounds and in excellent shape from his army raining and cop. It would have been difficult for my son.
And about the sexual part, I feel the same as you do. Towards the end , before the discard he kept saying “I cannot perform like 20 year old Anymore, I need Viagra “. I found it so odd he would admit that he needs that. Well he was in his mud forties and no he was not a 20 year old. He has a huge problem with aging. Where I live the average age is 69 years since it is a retirement area. He did not have any respect for older people. One day he will be old also. Getting old together is a part of life, of a marriage, of a comittment. It’s not “till fat do us a part, or till wrinkles do us apart. “.
I am so glad that egg shell walking is in my past. I was always exhausted and I looked it.
kaya
do you live in North America…im just referring back to your statement about the life expectancy being 69..
when i first spoke to my ex before meeting him, he was telling me he is a male whore (that did not turn me on one bit actually) …by that he meant he loves sex so much, thats all he thinks about..the time came for us to meet person to person and when we finally spent the night together, he could not perform, at all…i have no idea why he claimed he was a male whore! we spent two weeks together and he was able to perform maybe half the time we did anything…i even got the feeling he was more excited to speak about sex than the actual performance. as a matter of fact it was like that our whole time together…he could talk the talk but not walk the walk…i don’t know why that is. he used to tell me when he worked in a hotel as a younger man, he would walk by the rooms and try and listen to people having sex, he loved to do that…gross
perhaps he had a hidden sexual dysfunction that he didn’t tell me about.
I think all spaths are sexually disordered/perverted, along with their other disorders.
JaneD,
Oh yes that too…in the beginning couldn’t finish bc too much porn and doing it himself blabla.
The first time we did it- he didn’t finish and when I asked about it, he made a reference to his ex and how he barely ever did w her!
I SHOULD HAVE RAN FOR THE HILLS.
How inappropriate!!!!
It got better for us in that dept.
All he has. Sex, food, and his bullshit stories. He is not cute!
He has to get them with fake charm, n bombing, or prob offer dinner n fun. Lollll
He’s an Oger.
remember
lol we name so many negative qualities about them, what were we thinking!???
if i had to do it again, there is not much about him that is too appealing…but i do have to say he was not physically abusive or verbally abusive towards me…he was sneaky and manipulative so he was more emotionally abusive..which i think is harder to come to terms with them being sociopathic and hence why i doubt it at times…at least if there was verbal abuse it would be so much easier to hate him…he was way too nice always…until the worst part that really proved what he is…he got married right after being together on vacation with me…
perhaps if he hadn’t had done that i would have been with him still and all those red flags before he left would have been ignored..thank goodness he got married, it was gods way of telling me he is no good
JaneDoe..I experienced the same thing. That he was never verbally abusive to me; never experienced the silent treatments. He love bombed me the whole time.
Therefore, yes much more difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was involved with a sociopath.
Whenever I start to remember the happy, I pull out the obit listing him as someone else’s husband. After I saw that I researched and found out he was with her/living with her throughout the entire time he was telling me I was “his perfect.”
No verbal abuse. But I think what he did was far more cruel on a deeper level. He said that he was nothing but wonderful to me. He was always kind to me, bought me the most thoughtful gifts, wrote beautiful cards and letters. He was “my perfect.”
Except he wasn’t.
I have to keep telling myself that. My head knows it. My heart needs to catch up.
amille2
yes! you speak exactly how it is for me as well….
how did yours get around the fact he was married and seeing you as well?? I’m assuming you did see him…
mine was long distance but we spent much time together…but when he went home in between me i assume his whole other life took place..he was not married but did get married after he and i were together 3 years, and just blurted it out to me after being together for a week…that was 9 months ago.
not one word of verbal abuse, as like yourself…the love bombing took place continually throughout…he would call me his “wife” and at times asked why i didn’t say it back to him…
same as you, my head knows whats right but my heart needs to catch up…
are you in contact? any re hoovering? love bombing?
Jane doe
Southern Florida. The average age is 69. Not the life expectancy. 🙂
kaya
oh ok sorry…i thought it was a little young for life expectancy 🙂
JaneD,
He really was so nice and caring, and we had so much in common haha, and he had a sob story…
He wanted to be with me all the time, but that night…the mask slipped horribly, he flipped out on me and threatened me, I gave him another chance, his tears n begging and promising.
It slipped a few more times with verbal names when we fought, because of his lies and gas lighting.
It was very tumultuous.
I learned my lesson!
I usually write on a different thread…
I am at work… at nursing home doing music for my residents… catching up in my documentation that almost got me fired Friday…
as since my discard April 16th….
I have not been all here.
I saw therapist Sat.
I AM DOING all the right things.
But…. I am in so much pain… I would rather be dead. No,,,,, never ever would I hurt myself (besides losing everything to a spath.). I love my parents too much.
How do people get away with things this man is doing?
event things.. like being fully employed… even a fire fighter… but now filing for taxes in three years?
Living with me under the guise of getting married… but it was just for a roof over his head, money and sex.
I AM STARTING TO HATE MYSELF.
Two coworkers seem to be ignoring me… as they have lost respect for me and see how I went from being a star at this place…. to falling a month behind in medicare documentation which could cause us to lose our license.
everything he touched in my life…. has been ruined in some way.
nOT SURE I CAN survive this….
AND iD BEEN doing so well…
If I just knew if his mom… was master manipulated and lied to and took him in….. he has financially and emotionally abused her for years. NOt even talking to her for 20 and alienating her from her own grandkids.
My advice has always been and will always be: cut off all contact, no communication with him, focus on your own healing , don’t waste any positive energy on him, go on with your life and leave the past where it belongs.ight sound easier said than done.
But it saved me. It gave me an entire new outlook on life. Once he was removed from my life I am happy slams sane. No more messing with my mind. They are master manipulator and they love to be in control. They take that away and they are nothing.
Kaya…
In my case I have NC and never will.
I just worry about his estranged mom of 20 years.
I kmow he has and will again use her for a source of supply.
I need to wash my hands clean of all of this, don’t I?
there is a spiritual aspect to this also. I can feel it.
xoxoox