UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I need your opinion
Horrible dysfunctional family of origin. Really dysfunctional.
As if that were not bad enough I was targeted by a sociopath when we were in the 4th grade. She totally dominated my thoughts and actions. She even touched me inappropriate on a school bus. She was not good looking until the last year of high school when she had metamorphosed (contact lenses instead of glasses, braces removed from teeth…) Astoundingly this girl was a glamorized and much better looking person for that last year of high school. Our high school pictures were on adjacent pages of the yearbook, so all she had to do was bend the pages so that they appeared right next to each other (and she said it made it easier to compare our photos). Obviously she believed herself to be the better looking.
High school was over 40 years ago. As long as I lived in another state (or even country, in my case, Canada) I felt free from the horrendous pain she caused me. I made the mistake of returning to my home town (and live now just one town out from there), which means I keep bumping into people from high school. It astounds me. I am constantly being put on the defensive by these people. They instantly judge me…they figure my relationship with this woman was terminated because of ‘my’ jealousy.
First of all…why do they even care? I never think about who was friends with who in high school…I never think about any of them. Then I also feel judged by them, like I have to explain myself. I just clam up now but I was infuriated at one family get-together where a former classmate approached me (oh, and I had the extreme misfortune to have a brother who married someone from my class). The get-together was a B-day party for my brother. This classmate happened to live right next door. She came over to me, and in a clandestine manner mentioned that my spath was doing extremely well…and then asked me what I did (and it hit me that she was comparing us, and if I said something that appeared less than stellar it meant that I could not handle the spath’s success and therefor had ended the relationship). I mumbled something. My poor husband was very uncomfortable about the whole thing. To show this woman that she had no effect on me whatsover, I walked away from her and approached my brother. I asked if he was going on vacation any time soon and he said he and his son were going white-water rafting in Maine…immediately my husband very enthusiastically said, “That is the same trip Barb and I did!” I watched this former classmate slowly and stealthfully move away from us (and her face was a dark cloud…)
I remember pursuing elementary education and that I had chosen my former grammar school to do my student teaching. There was a woman from my high school class who was involved there as well. Apparently that woman and the ‘accusing classmate’ were good friends. The thing that gets me is that my spath obviously found out about my teaching in our home town…because it was some time after she that she began teaching in a childcare center in our home town and eventually went on to start an exchange program with kids in Japan. Her father had gone to Japan for his company, which made it easy for his daughters to move there. I never depended on anyone in my family where travel was concerned…I up and left on my own. I ended up in the Yukon Territory of Canada where life was exciting and mind-blowingly free. So free.
I must admit that there were one or two people from high school who did now the truth, including a guy named Eddie who took me out to lunch. He immediately brought up the spath. He told me, ‘You are much too beautiful of a woman to be treated badly.’ And he added that the spath had been into a ‘beauty trip’ all through school. Then the question was put to me: why did I leave the spath? He had just acknowledged that she had brutally shamed and used me. And how did he know who left who? Maybe she left me? Duh?
Do any of you think that I owe these people an explanation? Do any of you think that they should mind their own business? My brother wanted to know why I did not turn it around on them…why I did not ask about their lives. But I immediately go into ‘guilt’ mode and feel very, very uncomfortable.
After years in Canada, coming back had put me into a whole different frame of mind. I had a Canadian boyfriend, Canadian friends, and lived with different types of people (including Indians…the real thing). Indians were everywhere in northern Canada. And I lived in Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and a very tiny town called Harrington Harbor.
Do any of you think that these ‘accusers’ probably never left their home town? That they got married and settled in the same old town they went to school in? Do any of you think that this would have narrowed their minds? That most of their friends are from high school? Because that is what I think. Traveling and living elsewhere (and not having any ties to high school) can broaden and enlighten you, both your mind and your soul.
And finally: do any of you experience this type of ‘harassment’, which is what I believe it to be. Do you feel okay about talking about what was happening decades ago? Most likely you attend high school reunions.
Why are we part of 1% of the population, forever to be judged, criticized, and treated so badly? What and why? What a fate.
Thank you
Barb,
I think you have posted about this before, the highschool girl and the targeting you experienced. I am sorry it is being retriggered by being around the total ignorance of many of the ‘old school’ folks you are running into. It sounds dreadful.
Not sure why you moved back to be around your dysfunctional family. Not sure why you bother to listen to any of these folks talk about things from 40 years ago. Things are obviously more complicated than any of us here know.
I would pack up and move to where you are happy again. Living around small minded people, who have never progressed to a point of living in the present would be depressing.
First of all, I would ask, why do you care what any of these people say? What hold does this small town have on you? Why do you stay? Why do you listen?
Dear Lady A: Would it help in anyway to know, really know, that what happened is called “life”. Life isn’t a progression, it’s a roller coaster up and down. It has nothing to do with you being a fool, that you returned home. You went home, that’s it. And maybe you’re meant to stay there. Maybe not.
LadyA,
I think you should feel proud of yourself for being able to take the first step and leave this bad man…. yes, even if your Mom helped you. It is very difficult to cut things off with a sociopath because they are so psychologically manipulative. The only way to “win” is to end the game and refuse to play.
You sound like an accomplished young woman. There is no need to erase all that you have done. The sociopath does not get to cancel out all of your accomplishments. You still achieved what you achieved in your life.
But as Donna said, these are no ordinary break-ups. A psychological wound takes more time to work through. And it can be confusing because others who have never been psychologically wounded do not understand what that is and what is affecting you. Give yourself time and definitely get a therapist.
All the best.. Aloha
You went home to a “Horrible dysfunctional family of origin. Really dysfunctional.” and expected what? I am from a small town too and sometimes I think I want to go back. There are good things in small towns, but the bad outweigh the good…gossip, never forgetting, punishing those who return for leaving, etc. Did you jump out of the frying pan into the fire?
You got out of town once, you got rid of the psychopath. You have power. Remember that psychopaths target strong, exciting, successful women. They suck us dry but our force keeps burning inside of us and we can recover. Perhaps it is time to go back to your chosen life and a job that excites you. What you did before, you can d again. Do not sell yourself short. Stay away from him at all costs.
Lots of little girls and boys do “inappropriate” things. They are normal. Forget it and forget this girl. Regroup,, plan and open your wings and fly.
I wasn’t a strong person when I met my spath. I was a people pleaser and constantly allowing myself to get walked all over and used but then would get hurt when people used me.
I was waiting to die so the pain would end. I was an easy target at first. Over the course of the relationship things began to change. I will admit my spath was a blessing in disguise. I am not where I want to be as I am still very raw and have lots of healing yet to do but because of my experience I am fighting for the life I want. I did not give up and have a reason to live.
I don’t know what else to say but stay strong. This happened to you for a reason. You may not see it now but something great can come of this once you start to heal and let go of the anger, hurt, resentment.
I look at it as an ugly tattoo you didn’t plan on getting. You can try and have it removed but there will still be an ugly scar. You could also accept it but change it by adding to it and changing it into something so beautiful your not ashamed to have.
I may not have the best wording but hope the point was understood.
The tattoo was a great example, Trocks. I’m sorry that you are still feeling so raw from your experience. Being tangled with a Spath is devastating, but it is true that there is a lesson to be learned. I’m certain that there were easier ways to learn the lesson, but making the most of what we are left with proves our resolution to be healed and move forward.
Best wishes to you.
LadyA,
When you wrote that your mother swooped in and took you back home I let out an internal ‘whoop!’. Though I am deeply sorry you have had to experience the level of betrayal and despair that any sociopath leaves in their wake, I am also extremely heartened to see you GETTING IT, at such a young age.
I know it’s best not to have too many regrets about too many things, as it just keeps you living in the past. But I would LOVE to have the time back that I have wasted on numerous personality disordered individuals, for much of my childhood and a lot of my adult life.
You have a real opportunity here to understand the world in such a way that you will not be so vulnerable to repeated predatory experiences. This is really a big deal. Honestly. Understanding that there are malignant human beings, whose only focus is to take advantage, deceive, and destroy other’s happiness gives you a level of awareness that some people never have. AND, it isn’t just because they haven’t been targeted.
I was targeted, and fell for , repeated disordered men and friends, and it took me until I was well into my 40’s before I put the pieces together and took my power back.
This terrible part of your learning and healing will transform into a different experience, over time. I understand how easy it is, especially when you don’t have many people who ‘get it’ to validate your own experience and feelings. It’s easier to try and stuff the whole thing down and try to get a ‘grip’ on it. And it is understandable that when you have people around you who change the subject, you might think the subject is best ignored or buried. They do not understand. Though they may believe you would be better off not ‘focusing on the past’, they do not understand the nature of trauma and betrayal. These experiences need examination, and the feeling need to be fully acknowledged and FELT. You are not a crybaby, not weak, not dramatizing. You are struggling to heal from a giant wave of destruction that crashed down on your life. It swept you and all your life props out to sea, and left you there.
Donna is right. Find some safe place (here?) to express your ongoing frustration, anger, sadness, longing, indignation, pissiness, exhaustion, or WTF? moments. This place saved my butt, when I was feeling alone with my ‘story’ and my misery. I hope ‘we’ might be there for you too.
I also sought therapy and had a very good experience. For me it was necessary for me to examine the messages that I received in childhood that made me ‘blind’ to being predated upon. This is not true for everyone. And the good news is you may not have a buncha childhood stuff to sort out.
But, it is good to look at what kind of false beliefs we may have, like: Everyone is looking for love. Every relationship is 50/50 (not with spath it isn’t). Everyone is good ‘deep down’. There is always a rational explanation for other’s behavior, if we only stick with it and figure it out. Love can save (change) anyone.
You have a really big life ahead of you. And you have a genuine opportunity to live it with more wisdom that some people will ever attain. I wish you continued healing, growth, and strength as you find your way toward recovery from betrayal.
Slim
Hello Slim,
Yes, I was very lucky that I had a few very special people in my life to help me. I actually hadn’t told my mom what was going on at all. She could tell that something was wrong, but couldn’t put her finger on it. One of my good friends threatened me one day and said if I didn’t break up with him, she was calling my mom. Somewhat funny to have a grown woman threaten that on another grown woman, but I called her bluff and she did call my mom. She told her everything.
They did research and called around and found out that not only had he done this before, but he had more than 2 pages of criminal charges on his record in which he had been convicted for, and served 7 years in prison by the age of 28. The charges ranged from stalking, to various levels of theft, to obstruction of justice, all the way to sexual assault and battery. He had even done 2 hit and runs in MY CAR when I was at work! I didn’t know any of this as there was no damage to my vehicle. He also had 3 pending charges on him from a woman who he was dating the same time he was living with me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all of this. And this isn’t even close to all of it….
My mom and my cousin (who is also a police officer) flew into town on the next available flight and held a very “intervention” like meeting with me. They said they would love me and support me in whatever decision I made, but they wanted me to be informed about his past and present. My cousin also said to leave him, I was going to have to leave the city to avoid stalking/physical danger. So, I packed up as much stuff as I could get in my car and left.
I am so thankful for the 3 people who undoubtedly saved my life. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I stayed with him any longer. I wish everyone in this situation had an outlet like I did.
LadyA, you are a wonderful young lady and I agree with Slim, you have a big life ahead of you and the chance to live it with wisdom some of us got very late in life. I’m so happy you had people who love you to come to your rescue and you’ve had three years building a new life. It might not be where you want, or how you want it to be just yet, but you are on your way. Hugs!!
Wow, He was a real scumbag. I am so glad you don’t have to suffer that any longer. I was also in the dark about the truth of the last spath I knew (as were we all). He actually had at least 7 other women he was wooing while he was telling me he wanted to get married.
I also suspect him in a missing persons case. He had pictures and keepsakes of the girl who had gone missing, and even told me the cops were called because he was having sex with her when she was only 17, and he was in his 30’s. But I will never know. Because I, like you, had the good fortune to part ways after a few short (or LOOOOOONG) months.
It took years to really feel myself again, LadyA. It just takes time. Time that feels, sometimes, like it is ticking by so slowly you can hear it pass. Hang in there. Keep sharing here, if you feel comfortable. If it starts to feel like too much, back off. But keep learning and feeling. At some point you will start to feel lighter and lighter, until you find yourself happy to be you again.
Promise. It does happen.
Take care..Slim
So well saiid, Slim. LadyA, I hope you can feel all the love and approval of your wise decisions. One day, you will look back on this and see how strong you’ve been and how very special you are!
i dont put up with disordered men anymore but damn they is comin outta the woodwork it seems!!!
i feel sad wen i cut it off. i dont want to feel sad over a piece of trash. i have NO more pieces of me left to give a potential spath or whatever.
i wont be understanding
i wont be patient
i wont “put up with u at ur worst so i deserve u at ur best”
BULLSHYT
i will get ur best becuz i will be there for u wen u are at ur worst!!
i wont give a second chance, let alone a third or 4th PULEEZE
i wont be ignored while you work me into ur life
i wont be anything but idolized — or I am OUT
i know this is right and i deserve this as i am worth all the effort of putting forth ur best foot at first
i respond positively to any efforts also, i am not a bitch playing a game
and yet i feel sad when i have to drop another ass.
shaking head
i hate this about myself.
My ex has been pinging my LinkedIn account a few times this week and I then got a call. He does this every few months and it has not bothered me much, but this time it did. I did speak with him and we spoke casually and then he told me he was married. I did ask him that question and then he asked me if I was and I said no. I am devastated – what was I thinking would happen? I actually think that he would get his act together and come back to me. But, he marries someone else and keeps peeking at my business page. What is wrong with me? I have gone 2 1/2 of NC and I still feel this way?
What is happening? Can someone please explain this to me?
Shelby, give yourself a little time to get over the initial (normal) reaction to him being married. I have been almost 3 years NC and last spring I found out my ex was getting married in June. I have mentioned it here in another comment, my first reaction was why her and not me (when actually, I had avoided marriage discussions with him), and then realized I was the lucky one. And you are too…they do NOT get their acts together and become normal. YOU are the lucky one too. In February our jointly owned house was sold, and coincidentally, someone “who chose to remain anonymous” has been viewing MY Linkedin account. Might be the ex, might not, but I don’t want him to know where I am (living in the area of the sold house or back where I started from) so am being cagey about my location even though it may hurt my job seeking chances. You’re normal, you have normal emotions and feelings, and you cared about him. Its normal to feel the way you do. It will pass. It will get better for you, me, and all of us, one day at a time. Hugs.
He pinged you just so he could tell you he was married, and he likely already knew you were not. Don’t beat yourself up. He is married. So what. It’s just a con job, and a piece of paper for him. Nothing more.
You, on the other hand, are living an authentic life. You slipped up and forgot he will always jerk you around, and make you feel as shitty as he can.
No worries. Start no contact again, and keep at it.
I found that these slips can also be validating, once we stop feeling stupid. He showed you he is EXACTLY the same. Hold onto that knowledge and don’t let go of it. Use it as a sheild.
(((hugs)))
Slim, you are exactly on target with your comment. I’m certain my ex got married so fast to show he was the normal one in our relationship while I was the “disordered” one, otherwise, why would he have found a new love so fast while I’m still alone. Riiiiiight. Also, I know enough about his first two marriages and some of his dalliances to know they all took a similar path as his relationship with me, only the names and specifics were different. I know his new marriage will take the same path eventually, if it hasn’t already.
yes he is EXACTLY the same
becuz it wasnt YOU
it was him
–and him alone
it wasnt a failed relationship
he is a failure AS A PERSON
blech
leaves a bad taste in my mouth thinking i used to kiss him!
HanaleiMoon,
Yeah, I experienced the same thing. The guy I knew pretended to be someone else and hacked into a blog to tell everyone there that he had been in an ‘intimate’ relationship for a year and a half that started exactly, to the day, when we parted. Good news for me was that I was healed enough to see the total absurdity in the information, and to know that he was so ridiculous he thought no one would figure out it was him. He pretended to be the woman visiting the web site to say she had been with him for a year and a half.
They are forever getting revenge, seeking targets, and generally doing absolutely no good.
Thank you all for your comments and support. I imagine that if he was happy in his new relationship, that I’d be the farthest thing from his mind. But, he has to come back and this is where I came in.
I feel like it is starting over and that this is how we met in the first place. Him being married and in an unhappy relationship and now that he is married again, contacting me. It is my fault for reaching out when he did, but he was bugging me in his back-handed way of doing it.
He is so slick and smooth that I hardly know what happened. I feel so stupid.
Shelby333,
Do go easy on yourself. They can seem so harmless at a distance, that it is easy to think that maybe their personalities have actually normalized. It’s only when we get up close that we find it is all a giant ruse.
It will never be anything but a ruse. Ever. No matter what it LOOKS like. Looks are deceiving. We have heard it a million times, along with ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’.
I always interpreted that to mean not to be judgemental. I now believe it points out that we need to be discerning. And to discern we need to do more than have an opinion based on appearance, or surface stuff. Instead we also need to feel and intuit. The greatest gift, in my opinion, in protecting ourselves from the games these types play is to pay attention to our lightening speed intuition, that just gives us subtle gut level hints that something is amiss.
It might be a sightly queasy feeling, accompanied by the desire to get away. It might be a nervous fluttery sensation, or uneasiness around someone. It isn’t in ‘words’, and full formed ‘thoughts’. It is our gentle guiding system that interprets danger so quickly that we don’t generally know (at the time) why we feel that way.
I have learned to pay attention to these sensations and quick indicators. They are nearly always right.
Slim, in retrospect, my inability to pay attention to the queasy feelings and desire to get away was my downfall. I had no idea of this type of disorder, and assumed he was just a jerk at times. My ex was a master of manipulation and cognitive dissonance. We lived in CA and he had a family bungalow on the beach in Mexico and over a few years spent two weekends a month there. He had a pattern of mistreating me on the first day there, leaving me devastated and in tears, and on the second day, treating me like a princess, so by the time we got home, I let it go. I can remember nights at his house, laying awake all night wishing I was home in my own bed, in my safe home, but never left because I had heard a thousand times if I heard it once that his ex’s hadn’t worked on the relationship and ran…and I wanted to show him that I was different and wouldn’t run when difficulties arose. I know now this crap is so classic it’s textbook.
I have many, many examples of this, and of course, wasn’t aware of what was happening until I was away from him awhile, had time for my head to clear, get therapy and educate myself.
I now pay attention too, and trust my gut. This is why education is so, so important. My therapist saved my sanity when she told me I didn’t know what was happening because he didn’t want me to know. If I am honest with myself, he showed his true colors on the very first date and my reaction was he was just socially inept and kind of a lunkhead, and I felt sorry for him and gave him a second chance. Little did I know he was already messing with my mind.
OMgosh HanaleiMoon! I totally relate to knowing on the first date that something was not right. Me too. But just like you I thought he was just a little bit rough around the edges, and maybe nervous (I sure was), and gave him the benefit.
I don’t give the benefit any longer. I only hang out with people I have established true trust with, who did not give me those little doubts from the get go. I dont’ move into relationships quickly, and I have really firm boundaries about it.
I am sort of still in the ‘good bucket, bad bucket’ place. If anything tells me that there is something to place you in the bad bucket, yer outta here.
Shelby333,
Slick and smooth is so accurate. And subtle. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. You are not stupid, but vulnerable. So are all his other women. The scumbag Spath will use the smallest passive aggressive actions to manipulate, it is so difficult to have a defense in your mind for the unexpected.
I’m breaking free. I’m not contacting him. I feel so much better because my mind is clearing again.
But today, he calls and lets the phone ring twice and then hangs up. Just to lodge himself back into my thoughts. Of course, it only peeved me off. It didn’t make me long for him, but in his mind, it was worth a try.
They will try anything to keep control. It makes it very difficult to recover. We should always keep heading in the direction of recovery, no matter what they throw at us.
Good for you HopingToHeal! You are sounding better and better. I am really glad for you that you are finding moments of clarity and self-protection. You are totally right….heading in the direction of recovery NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, is imperative. Contact is a derailer for sure.
Slim
Thanks Slim. I’m following in the steps and under the advisement of some heroes here on LF -Donna, her team and all of y’all. Thank The Lord he sent me here. 🙂
And, Hoping, you had the good sense to listen and learn. We can be led to water, but we don’t necessarily have to drink it.
Slim
Hoping to heal- I am also struggling with the no contact. Like him calling you letting the phone ring..it is his way back in. That is what I have been going thru..all day. He sent me a message saying ” I will be contacted by someone who will get his belongings”. He has been telling me this since he started cheating months ago. The new girlfriend tells him shes addicted to him. They say they love each other. I know I read and listen to all that you and the others write..i can not for the life of my truly grasp it.
My friend says im in denial. Did he never love me at all?? 6 years it was all a lie and fake. He took care of my when my sister died, he helped me with my son, we had wonderful holidays and I am supposed to just forget everything? I need him to explain why he was cheating..and telling me he was coming home…that he loved me. I know there is not easy way to breakup. But what he did was so so traumatizing. How do I know he was a sociopath..and not just a cheater who wanted out of our relationship?
Taralav,
I understand your pain and disbelief. I’m sure you are in denial. Your life changed in one moment and you are off kilter. Your reality was disrupted and your life violently altered. Your brain will be slow to catch up, But it will. The time in between is very painful. I’m so sorry. I wish that this type of betrayal didn’t exist. You will come out of this, I promise!
One thing that I see in you,that I also have myself, is an intense will to fight the circumstances you are in. Naturally, you don’t want this to be true. I didn’t either. I fought so hard to bring my life back into order. I could not and would not accept that this was happening to me. That was a mistake that delayed my healing.
Many women just dust themselves off and move on with the attitude of “you won’t do this to me!”. I couldn’t do that, or I stubbornly wouldn’t do it because I insisted on understanding what happened. Of course, I will never get the answers. I should have moved on immediately. He had No Right to do this to me!
I hope that you will consider accepting what is. How could he? Why would he? What happened? All those questions are useless. He did this because he wanted too. That’s it. Relieve yourself of the constant pressure of understanding. Please let yourself accept what is. Flow with the sadness and grief. It’s awful and unfair. Do as Donna suggest and let the emotion out in personal place alone. Yell, scream, beat your pillow. Then accept the sadness. It will stay with you a while, but will leave sooner if you work with it as opposed to against it. I hate that you have to go through this. We all hate it for you. Hearing your suffering is heartbreaking. Hold onto every story of hope that you read. You will be in a much better place soon!
As for the question of “is he a sociopath?”. I can’t say, but he is a giant ass and that’s enough to be rid of him. Ask yourself – Does he show any remorse? -No. Does he blame you for something he did?-yes. Did he deceive and manipulate you?-yes. Did he arrogantly plan this out?-yes. Does he have any empathy for you or your son?-no. Is this behavior a pattern throughout his life?-yes.
He has a disregard for others. He has no respect for the part of your life you shared with him. He has hurt your son and walked away-no empathy. I don’t know but that sounds like some kind of personality disorder to me. Many, many, many men stray, have affairs and leave their families and they are not Spaths. The difference is how they are overall. The big picture of who they are. This man pretended that everything was going well with you even after he started seeing her. He has a personality disorder. His ex wife hates him. Are you beginning to see it? If he’s not a Spath, he is seriously jacked up.
Please go through the questions I asked and answer them as if you were the one who had betrayed him. Would you handle this the way he did? NO! Because you have compassion and empathy. If you made a mistake, you would still care for the person you injured. You would still be involved with the child.
He is keeping you on the hook and manipulating you. Why? Maybe he’s sadistic. Maybe he likes the control. Maybe he has you there just in case his new life falls through. Whatever the reason, it’s Not because he loves you.
Sweetie, he will never realize what he had. He is not capable. He serves only his own desires and needs. I raised a family with my husband and we were together for 23 years. He’s gone and most of his clothes and all his belongings are still here. His daughter is here. His tools, his work out equipment, everything! He took three suitcases and a couple of garbage bags full of stuff. That was over a year ago. I believed he would come home. I believed he loved me. But He’s done with this life. Done. And he is fine with it.
Tara, please don’t waste the time I’ve wasted. Focus on what your life is today. Not what it was, not what you hoped for, but today. What can you do to help yourself and your son make it today? Just today.
Everyone here on LF has great empathy for those who are at the very beginning of this agonizing process. It’s the roughest part. Soothe yourself with music or baths or sleep. Be as calm as possible. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Everything WILL be ok. One day at a time.
Hugs, hugs, hugs
Hoping, what a sweet reply for Taralav!!! And so very true in all aspects.
Taralav, sending you tons of good wishes!! Please take tender care of yourself!!!
Imara thank you I am really trying. .I don’t sleep much at all always thinking what hes doing with her and what I did wrong to be discarded so fast.
Hoping to heal-thank you for your sweet words again this site is all I have right now to read and reread over what everyone says. I can’t believe 23 years you were with your husband and what he did. It’s so awful and you are such a nice person..why do we get to be targets. I can’t sleep at night I lay awake in disbelief over everything that has taken place. I hope I can get out of this denial phase and start to see what has happened to me. I have a son who is my world and all he sees is me come home and.crawl into bed daily. I feel paralyzed. .sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe the pain is so much. I am not ever going to have my family back..his kids that I love and the man I was going to grow old with. Just thrown out. Nothing I ever did for him mattered to him and I just can’t grasp it. I keep trying to pick myself apart ..if he wasn’t happy with me..I didn’t know it. I knew we argued alot because of his lies. But he.now has this young girlfriend and hes already saying he loves her. How could he love her after sharing years with me! !
Tara,
These people are very shallow. They have no depth to their emotions. Everything is about what is happening in the moment….what is making them feel good.
Imagine how you feel when you hear that someone you don’t know has their car stollen. You think “hmm, that’s not fair”. Or “that’s awful”, but you don’t feel the need to go look for their car or buy them a new one. Right? Well, that emotion for the person that lost their car is more emotion than your Spath can feel. He has no real feelings and only mimics the feelings of those around him. He mirrors who you are. When you were with him, he acted a way that he knew would satisfy you. He spoke in a way that was soothing. NHL cared for your son. But all that came from what he intuitively read through you. He became what you needed so that he could enjoy you needing him.
Once he bored of that situation, he sought a new role to play. He can be every woman’s dream because he has nothing to lose. He is shallow and his heart never takes on the deep feelings of love and attachment. He’s a shallow pool of water and the love you thought you saw in him was only the reflection of the love you give.
I understand the place you are in. It’s heart wrenching, soul retching despair. I know you feel like your life is over…ITS NOT! You are going to get through this. Stay away from him. Have no contact. He is worthless to this world so let him travel the path to hell that he is on.
Sleep is very good for you right now. Give in to it. Crying is good also, although your son doesn’t need to watch it happen. Stay in your room and cry. His young heart breaks every time he sees you in anguish. Plus he is hurting from his abandonment.
Don’t fret over the future. Now is not the time. Calm your mind. Rest, listen to music, talk to your counselor about trauma. If you are a person of faith, take time to read your Bible. Look up every promise of God. He’s there for you. You may not feel him close, but he’s there. I found worship services to be very calming. You don’t have to participate, just sit and rest in the calm spiritual presence of others. You will find some healing.
Now is not the time to put pressure on yourself. I would just go through the motions day by day. Your mind will start to mend and you will feel better. There is no getting around the healing of your mind. That must come first. Quite, low stress is the environment you need. Calm.,let your mind rest. Accept this place for now. Begin healing. There is a better day coming, but for today, let you mind be still.
Please don’t lose hope. Your son and you will have lots of love and happiness in the future. It’s just too soon to see it. Let it go and let your heart and mind calm down.
I hope you are able to rest. Take care of yourself.
Taralav and HopingtoHeal, (and others…)
I am someone who needed to understand. And the answer HAD to make sense, that’s why I was in circular thinking so long. It took a long time for me to get to the SHORT answer.
Tara,
You are in circular thinking. (a form of shock) This is what finally helped me break the circle:
He could do it because…
He did it because…
How could he? Because….
Why doesn’t he realize…?
Short answer: Because he is a different animal.
You would never do this. YOU are NORMAL.
You Could not do X. YOU are NORMAL.
He is NOT NORMAL.
He is amoral. Without morality. Inhuman. Morally insane. He is a different animal.
Don’t beat yourself up for circular thinking. I was SO bad that my moniker was Thick Skull, because it took repeating to get it into my head. I had post it notes all over my home, so that I could remind myself. I wrote:
“Because that’s what Predators do”.
You didn’t see it coming because he is a Covert Predator. A Different animal. You thought he was a man…
But instead, he is a different animal, a Covert Predator. That’s why it doesn’t make sense.
Oh, Tara, you didn’t do anything wrong to be discarded! HopingToHeal is wise and has given you such great things to think about. One thing to remember is that normal people do not abandon or discard others…things might not work out and you might break up but there will not be a discard with no discussion or closure.
My own 7 year relationship was all a lie and fake too. I thought we had wonderful holidays, trips, etc. but when I really examine it, I know that it was due to my efforts, my ability to overlook things, and my forgiving nature. That is not to say they can’t “act” and some memories aren’t real, but they didn’t feel it the way you did. The hard fact is that it meant nothing to them. With time, you will reconcile all this and begin to stop questioning yourself. I wish I had a dollar for every time I told mine “I didn’t do anything wrong” and try to explain/justify myself to my ex for something he was criticizing/ridiculing/blaming me for when I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG. In the future, I know if I even think about saying I didn’t do anything wrong to someone and feel my stomach clench, I’m out of there.
Again, HopingToHeal is right on target, and much more articulate than I am. It will take time to come to terms with this and realize you are not to blame. There was nothing you could do to change this, and know that the new girlfriend will eventually be discarded too.
I was where you were not too long ago. Fortunately, I was abandoned so completely and cruelly that I instinctively went NC and never communicated with him again except as necessary through an attorney. After the initial cruelty, he attempted to contact me several times via text and voicemail to suck me back in and I responded only once, sounding pitiful and actually explaining to him why I wasn’t responding! Ugh!! That was the last time. By then, he had focused on a new target(s) and is now married to one. I am sorry for what I know is coming in her life, but thankful that he has a new focus. This allowed me the peace and space to get over the denial, pain and disbelief. There are some things we will never understand and they are best left alone. I too, had many times of questioning whether he was just a “normal” jerk and cheater and ruminating over my own behavior and wondering if it was me, even worrying if I provoked that final discard as he said I did when I knew for certain, he had made up the shitstorm to get what he wanted.
Getting my life back on track became a full time job and within time (and I mean a year or two), I no longer thought about him or the relationship in the way you do when a normal relationship ends. I thought I had destroyed all his pictures and came across a few I had forgotten about when I packed to move recently, and I was disgusted and repulsed at the sight of him – so I can tell you the time will come for you too. There is much to process and it will take the time it takes. Know that we understand and support you.
HanaLei,
I’m so sorry you had to go through this but It’s good to hear that you have gotten your life back on track! Such great encouragement for TaraLuv and us all. Your story is all to familiar. With no moral compass, these people seek to destroy. It’s never by mistake, but always planned. I love your word for the chaos. It really is a shitstorm.
Best wishes for a peaceful and joyful future!
HanaleiMoon,
I did the same thing in my marriage. It lasted as long as it did because it was so one-sided. I put everything into it, he threw a crumb every once in a while.
I remember one time, he was so angry because I complained about him not spending time with us. His angry response? “Didn’t I go on that cruise with you?”
One week a year? was all I was to expect? That I planned, saved, paid for, and packed us up.
Well, golly gee.
Put another log on the fire. Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
…yes, dear predator. You shooore doo luv me.
NotWhatHeSaid, oh, yeah, thanks for going on that cruise buddy!
My ex and I traveled a lot and did a lot of “fun” activities (car shows, art fairs, etc.). Toward the end, he started causing problems before, or on the way to, stuff so that we ended up not going. One time we went out to dinner before a concert, had a perfectly nice dinner and when we got in the car, he headed home, saying he wasn’t going to the concert after my behavior at dinner. What?! I had no idea what he was talking about but of course knocked myself out trying to make things right. Finally, one day he had a meltdown to me as we were getting ready to go to a charity car show we had paid good money for tickets to and he refused to go because of something I had supposedly did and said to me – I get it now, you create problems intentionally so we don’t go to things I want to go to but you aren’t interested in…this never happens when it’s something YOU want to go to. The lightbulb went on over my head and I realized he was doing it on purpose.
BTW, we went on several cruises and he ruined all of them. My theory? It is convenient to abuse someone on a cruise ship because they’re trapped.
I do hope you are right and I will start to see and be disgusted. I can’t see anything right now but the extreme sense of emptiness, and I feel so worthless. Hes made me look pathetic..hes called me pathetic and said I am just a idiot and so on. I ask him doesn’t he care about all our years together. .the answer always changes. He didn’t decide to break up..he was cheating for months prior and as soon as he knew he was in good with this girl. .he completely threw me away. All the months he was telling me he was fixing himself and coming home. I was so blind. How do you leave your home and someone you call your best friend. I miss him still isn’t it terrible. I miss someone who has thrown me and my son away in the blink of a eye
Hoping to Heal, GOOD FOR YOU! You are MY hero today. Remember, if he calls 100 times, and you pick up the phone on the 100th call, he now knows that it take 100 calls for you to pick up. So just don’t do it.