UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hopingtoheal
What an intelligent and insightful response…proof we are all intelligent people! The difference between us and them is we have a conscience. We will question our own motivations when we’re attacked before we question theirs – this is all a ploy to avoid detection!
My spath shows me everyday what I am not as a person. Even this mornings coffee turned into a blame game of insults to which I responded with (excuse my candidness) “all this because you haven’t had a wank this morning!” I told him to stop making coffee and go relieve himself in the shower…he’s still shitty but I’m just laughing…
AnnettePK = absolutely!
Sociopaths don’t choose sociopaths as partners, they don’t choose players as partners nor do they choose narcissts. They have no power over those people.
*Tara – So please people, take the compliment! You are nothing like them, you have a heart. You will never be like them, you have a heart! I’d rather be me and I hope this blog is helping people heal and move on as it is with me ♥
ironic…you bet! They choose VERY well. They choose women who they know will be kind and give them a million chances. They know exactly what they are doing.
Absolutely SER!
Taralev
He will not realize what he did. Period. You cannot hope or wish for this to happen because it won’t. To this day, after over a year of ugly divorce proceedings , my ex still blames me for his cheatibg and betrayals. To this day he tells my son that I am mentally ill and he had no other choice but to leave. He will not apologize or explain or come clean to his 19 year old son. The only thing he does is “whine ” about their “lost ” relationship. The truth is in his eyes he did nothing wrong. The fact that he threw us away does not exist to him. A normal person would feel sorrow, regret, remorse, guilt, empathy and compassion. My ex does not. And that is why he does not exist to me or his son anymore. He can beg and cry as much as he wants to. His son moved on, we don’t wAnt him back. You know when he was served with divorce papers he sent a text “what did you do that for, if you think that I am coming home by your filing, you are wrong “. This is how distorted they think. I retained an attorney for thousands of dollars, filed for divorce and he honestly thought I want him
Back. Unbelievable.
Taralev please take our advise seriously. Try to be the strongest person you can be. Don’t read his messages. It’s a game he plays. Let him go. If you don’t you will get hurt by every communication with him.
I’m hearing ya Kaya48!
It’s kinda strange how powerful I feel after reading everyone’s comments, especially your memories. They remind me to undo the conclusions I’d drawn at the time when i experienced similar situations. I can now rethink the consequences this negativity has had on my health and undo years of self torture from questioning myself and how I was allowing those doubts to have control over my self worth – I’m getting total closure with zero baggage – yippee!
Everyone should do that when they’re reminded of past events that caused pain – its liberating to release that pain…I almost feel a little taller today 🙂 only 24hours after joining this blog!
MWAH to us all!
Aintgonna, said it before already – I love your posts. For me you mix great knowledge with humour. I think you are very gifted how you present your facts because if I were still encountered with psychopath you would make me laugh my way out of it. Lets face it when we are over them we see how silly it all was and cannot believe how we were part of their game. I for one cannot believe I fell for it and the reason was no knowledge about Psychopathy and not my knowing my own vulnerabilities. I thought psychos looked like monsters, not hidden in a human’s body. The psycho I knew wasn’t even intelligent, in fact he was so thick that I was bored with him.
If your Spaths grew bored of someone as entertaining and as knowledgeable as you well that says it all about the proof they suffer from chronic boredom.
I hope you stay on this website to give your unique and creative explanations – the Aintgonna way!
More pain, as I see yet another photo of him and his new victim posted on facebook today. Just looking as happy as can be. It stabs my heart..brings me to tears it is awful He cant do this to me..after all our years I am just nothing..nothing. Replaced and gone. I know you give me the advice, I know what he is..but it does not stop the pain. and she is so so homely I wish I could have you all on facebook to talk to and show you. It just is not fair hes moved on and im frozen still.
TARA! Stop looking at FB!
Mine posted photos with his new wife too, looking happy, standing in front of a place WE USED TO GO TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. It hurt to look, so I stopped looking.
Stop looking! Give yourself a chance to thaw out.
Yes, they were at a place me and him used to go. 🙁 and she is truly so homely looking
Spaths don’t really care (nor appreciate) appearances. It’s not about that for them. Their game is about power and control, playing people against people, feeling glee from how their sadistic acts hurt other, etc. etc. They know whats right because they can fake it for a long time. They just don’t care.
It’s possible that being plain is a weakness for her, and he is taking advantage of it. But who cares? That is their problem. What are you going to do today? It’s probably very different than if he were still around deceiving you, and that’s hard, but consider trying to do something or go somewhere different, that has nothing to do with him, if you’re ready. I spent the better part of 6 months in bed playing solitaire, until I realized I needed to move on. Of course I regret it now, especially the time lost I could have been spending with my son and others I love.
If you have time, consider volunteering with some organization – maybe at a hospital or a school. Working with people helps to move one’s focus from our own problems to other people.
AnnetteePK…absolutely! I volunteer at an inner city elementary school and love it! That is some of the best advice you can give. We need to get the focus off of ourselves and onto other people who need us. Thanks!!
HanaleiMoon
My ex took all his new victims to the special places that I showed him, places that held meaning to me and that’s why I took him there. When I found out he was taking them to MY spots, they felt tainted after that. It was another massive betrayal. When I “woke up” from my amnesia, I found NEW special spots.
In my recovery I made a list of why my ex chose me. One of the reasons, and I think for many of us, is they wanted to learn from decent kind caring loving people HOW to appear to BE decent kind caring loving. They know they can’t catch the prey they want if they acted as themselves.
My ex learned that women get all happy and easy to manipulate when he takes them to my sacred places. That’s one of his takeaway lessons that he learned from me.
Taralav’s now ex learned from his previous women how to appear so that Tara would be happy and easy to manipulate. He learned more from Tara so that he can use that to scam the next.
Tara doesn’t get that the next woman is NOT HIS LOVE. She’s his TARGET, his VICTIM, his PREY.
Your post was direct, straight forward, and so wise. I just wanted to share another “I KNOW!” which is what I say to so many posts that I read here on lf.
I found enlarged photographs of the view from….my own family home! They’d been used as Bait to show the next victim(s) how splendidly he lived.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, I once read a comment on another site that went something like this: I had showed him all my favorite spots and activities, things he knew nothing about before me. He now uses that to attract new women. OF COURSE they fall for him, they’re essentially dating ME.
LOL!
taralav…it is obvious our advice is not helping you. The only thing I can tell you many years out of my pain is you will do this until you don’t do it anymore. That is how I was. I was obsessed and still am to a certain extent, but I do not feel like I am going to die anymore like I used to and I am functioning better than I have in years. So, healing does come and it arrives when we are ready I guess. You will do this until you get sick of yourself. I used to obsess and obsess and obsess until I felt my head was going to explode and that’s when I started realizing I needed to STOP. It was NOT doing any good except hurting ME…ME, NOT HIM. Do you see that????? He has no idea you are looking and obssessing. There is nothing you can really do about the pain except get through it. I cannot stress enough how much I wanted to die. I lost a lot…more than some people on here and less than some people on here…it’s all relative. But it was absolutely awful and soul crushing, BUT…I am still standing!!!! Hooray for me!!!!!!! You will, too, but you have to REMOVE your emotions from the equation…you must!!!!!! Just TRY!!! It is hard, but just try for even one hour to talk to yourself and REMOVE your emotions from the situation. Be mature about it. I had to be mature at 50 because I was still acting like a 16 year old!!!!! Don’t do that. Sorry, I am just trying to make you see when you are so clouded right now. I am not putting you down…I was there!!!!!!!!!!!!! You keep talking about the pain, but you are only going to get past the pain if you help yourself. He cannot remove the pain for you!! Hahaha, that’s almost a joke. He will only make it WORSE.
Here’s something else that may make you feel better. I was married one time in my life and it was 22 years ago. My husband divorced me…he did not want me anymore. Was I hurt? Yes. I was not super in love with him even though he was my husband, but we had built a life together and it was a loss when we were no longer together. Even though he divorced me and didn’t want me anymore, I moved on with my life and never, not once chased him. That in itself probably was due to me not being in love with him, but either way, I let him go. Do you know now, 22 years later, he calls me and wants to see me???? We have started talking again in the past few years and we live probably about 700 miles away from each other. He called me Sunday morning out of the blue and asked me if I was going back to our hometown the week of July 8 as he is going and would like to see me if I was there. No big deal…nothing earth shattering, but the point I am making is there is something in the universe I have found that if you just let something go, it eventually does come back. Think about it…he divorced me, he did not WANT me and now he is calling me. Twenty two years ago, I NEVER thought that day would happen, but it has. So just let go.
I think coming here is helping TaraLav; and I believe her when she has written her gratitude for our support, understanding, and suggestions based on our experiences.
I get frustrated when my son learns things the hard way, but that is the way we humans are. I remember hearing and reading a lot about Psycho/Sociopaths for years, and ‘getting it’ slowly. It’s natural to take a little time to drastically transition our reality, and to process a loss. I did not think clearly, take the good advice of my patient friends, and did many things I regret now, when I was doing the dance with my ex P.
SER, everything you have just said, I could have said myself…back when I was in the thick of it, I felt like my head was going to explode. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Tara is not there yet, it kills me when she responds to our advice with another comment about him…but I see that I would have done the same thing back then. At some point, each person has to come to their own realization that they are continuing to harm themselves by hanging on.
I am facing a huge decision for myself right now. It has nothing to do directly with my ex, but does have to do with the shambles he left me and my life in, and an ongoing part of the cleanup process. I need to decide where I want to live, and how. I’ve been offered a good job back in the city we moved to our dream home in, that I left when the house sold in Feburary. I am now in a rental in my home state, where I was planning on rebuilding my life and have been putzing around doing not a whole lot the past three months, flip flopping over do I want to stay or go back. Initially, I wanted to run back. My money will go farther there, and I had started rebuilding there. I also can see the merits of staying here, and really trying to make a go of it. I am 3 months into a year lease that I don’t know how breaking it will go and what that will cost me. I have until Friday to decide about the job. The money is good, but I will need to pick up and find another rental there and go to the expense of moving back. Part of me is excited and part of me says hold on there Hanalei, you are just setting yourself up for another huge stress. I am kind of kicking myself for even applying, when I was going to give myself most of this year to just recouperate and gain back some reserves. I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner and yes, since I had the interview last week and got the offer yesterday, I’ve been OBSESSING to the point I feel like my head is going to explode. No bueno. I know I need to let it go, since I can’t make a good decision if my head is exploding. I have been reminding myself this morning that it’s not the last job in the world, if I don’t take it doesn’t mean I’ll never get offered another job, and maybe going off half cocked and rushing right back isn’t in my best interest either. Since the discard, I am on my own for the most part, and being alone a lot is dangerous for obsessive thinking. I have bounced this off my friends, and they help, but hey, this isn’t their life or their future. I felt like I had all the facts tied down, but my emotions are crazy.
Off topic I know.
HanaleiMoon…thanks for being able to relate to what I said. It helps me knowing that someone is listening. What you said is exactly right!!!
Sorry that you are facing this dilemma about the new job and moving. I guess one thing I see here is if you take the new job back in that city, that is where the ex is, correct? That right there may be a reason not to do it.
You made a good point that I relate to big time…being alone is not good for obssessing. I am alone most of the time also. I live alone and do get out and do a lot of things, but I don’t have anyone in my home to keep me engaged or to motivate me so then my thoughts go crazy!
HanaleiMoon…I got it all wrong then. I was confused. I thought you were in the state with him and are now back in your home state with your mom. Oh, dear…I am really confused! 🙂
Don’t worry SER, I’M confused. The ex lives in the home state…that is where we started. He never moved to the new state, so he is still here, as is my mom. I was the only one who moved. And then moved back.
Clear as mud.
HanaleiMoon…yep, clear as mud, but it’s OK…haha! 🙂
HanaleiMoon
Pick the place that feeds your soul.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, good advice. My problem is that they both do…in different ways.
SER, I am actually back in the state where the ex is now…though we are quite a ways apart and unlikely to cross paths.
I think your post is totally ON topic since what’s wrong with these people is that they disable us by spreading their contaminated thought process around.
My input to your dilemma would be this: You know you’re employable where you came from, that’s been shown by the job offer. Can you handle returning where you came from is the question, right? Maybe not, that’s why you’re balking at the prospect. My advice would be: BE excited about the job opportunity, it shows your own level of achievement and the positive prospects ahead! — but DO take the rest of the year off if you can afford it, to continue to recover and sort through your options and priorities.
If you can’t deal with the stress of the job decision, what will it be like for you to negotiate an early release from your rental, and replace your digs in the new place? that is putting an awful lot of eggs on that one basket, and seems from my perspective to put you at risk of a stressful start to your job and also your new beginning on your own.
I’m imagining a graceful exit from the offer by drafting something along the lines of, I am so honored to be offered the position….relocation obstacles have proved insurmountable…..I’ll contact you and hope you will consider me again if I am able to establish myself in your area. Or something.
I’m also envisioning a NOT as diplomatic address to yourself, if you end up in a stressful job or lifestyle that is more than you can deal with just now. It’s ok to take time for recuperation, and your obsession shows your reserves are still low. If you’re OK where you are, my sage grey-haired advice is, stay put.
HanaleiMoon
I think if the job was what you really wanted, there would be no obsessing. There’d just be jumping up to pack.
The good news is that you have proof that IF you wanted, IF you chose this at a later time, you stand a good chance of finding worthy employment.
ColoradoKathy, your assessment is great and points well taken. A little more background to throw in the mix: the shared house just sold after a year on the market and a total of three years of me living there alone and working to keep afloat. Two years of therapy and I thought I was in good shape. Not so. The decision to come back to home state after the house sold was driven by the fact that my elderly mom and alcoholic brother (live together) are here, and I felt that she needed me close. She was planning to move to where I was in year one but backed out because my brother balked. I would not have considered returning to this state had she moved. The other place (where the new job offer is) was my dream location to live, and I had worked toward it for many many years. I had mixed feelings about returning, but felt it was the right thing overall. The move was very stressful – escrow closed quickly, the buyers were not cooperative and I had to hightail it out of there very fast, and landed in a place that is not optimum for me. Kathy, you are right, that the prospect of turning around and doing it all in reverse seems more than I can handle.
Since I have been here (home state), the job prospects are slim, real estate is through the roof, and my brother has been flipping out at my proximity so it hasn’t exactly been helpful to my mom. I had convinced myself I could pick up the old life I left 3 years ago like nothing had happened in between (oh so naive) and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Add to that and I have little incentive to get up and make it happen here – thus the applying for the job in the other state. I am stable financially for the moment, and this job would help immensely to get my feet back on the ground and into the future.
Kathy and NotWhatHeSaidofMe, you are both right – the offer validates that I am in demand and there will be more offers.
The job is good – not perfect, but good, better than most. I feel my best prospects for starting over are in the old place, and the job would make it easier, but I do feel that having to make the move in short order (they would want me there in less than a month) is more stress than I can handle right now. And there remains the issue of leaving my mom behind AGAIN.
I feel between a rock and a hard place. Pre-discard, I was a confident decision maker with no obsession – I always knew what was best. I find myself consumed by self doubt. I have no idea what the right thing is.
Yes, my reserves are very, very low. But I’m not sure I’m building them back up here.
Maybe my answer is if I don’t know what the right thing is, doing nothing is the best option for the time being. I just feel like my life has been on hold for so long now that times a wasting and I want to get started on a new life.
HanaleiMoon,
On another article, Slimone wrote a reply to me that included an excellent suggestion of how to get out of my own way. It strikes me as good advice for resolving your dilemma. She imagines herself as a character, and then writes the story. Let her words explain it better. It was under the article “Why do I feel So Guilty How Sociopaths shame us into submission”, and her reply is found on first page of comments, near the bottom of the page. Or, as SER wrote, you can put Slimone name into the search comments box on left side of screen and you will see it as her message #4 written 3-4 days ago (it’s 11:57 pm so the number of days is about to change.) Her method was great advice and I did it immediately and gave myself the answer I had been seeking.
Thanks for this tip, NotWhatHeSaidofMe…Slimone’s method was definitely helpful and I’m going to be thinking about this today!
SER
I get what you are saying and I went through the same tunnel. My ex WANTED me to obsess. When I waned, he came back and would set me up again.
My life was just spinning and wasting away until the day I decided I didn’t want to feel this miserable anymore. And that my life was going to remain miserable unless and until I did something to change it. Once I made the choice, he did not want me to be free of him, (it was a dog in the manger story, he didn’t want me but he didn’t want me to have my own self back either.) Yes he had put up road blocks. I learned how to get around them.
Hope you have a nice meeting with your long time ex from 22 yrs ago. But remember, he didn’t want you. (Why do people demand that marriage be always love and roses or else they should get divorced?) Anyhoo, am thinking HIS past behavior is enough reason to keep your distance. I know my ex likes to reach into his past when he’s running low on back burner women. Be careful?!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe…oh, no…it’s not like that at all with the ex husband. I am just reading your post now…just found it after looking through things here. It’s funny you said this because after I wrote my post earlier today, I meant to post a follow up to make it clear that our relationship is not like that at all. I can see how people could think that he was trying to start something up again, etc., but the facts are that we are just on friendly terms again. We didn’t talk for a really long time and then nearly three years ago, he almost died as his aorta ruptured (97% of people who have this happen to them do not survive). The surgeon told his mom he died on the table. So anyway, we are just friends. He would probably like a relationship again if I wanted it, but I don’t. I wasn’t happy with him when we were married, but I think after all these years, he realizes what a good woman I really was and wishes he would have just stayed married to me instead of divorcing me and going off onto his other life. Even if we were interested in each other, we live very far apart and neither one of us wants to move so that would be a huge obstacle, but we don’t have to worry about that because it’s not that type of relationship at all…just a former married couple who are friendly, that is all. Plus, he can’t hurt me…I don’t have enough feelings for him to hurt me! 🙂
Thanks for looking out for me though…I really appreciate that!!
I get your comment about how people think marriage should be perfect and rosy or they run. That is definitely the world we live in now!
Oh, another thing I just thought of…my ex husband is not a spath. He is just a normal guy who made a lot of mistakes.
Oh, and another thing…I’m not going to meet him. I already have things going on here that week and can’t go so it’s all good. He just thought it would be nice to get together if I was going to be there at the same time. And we are not talking sexually here…no way!!!
Can you block him from your account? You’re going to be in pain no matter what for awhile, whether you see these photos or not; and our minds sometimes imagine worse things than reality. It seems like seeing him and his new thing are making you feel worse. If you think that you have seen enough for now, enough to know the horrible truth, enough for the reality of it to sink in, you can stop looking. He is going to do what he is going to do, and it has nothing to do with you. If it did, he would not have left you. So try to block him (remember you can always unblock and look), but every day that you don’t look you’re taking good care of yourself and protecting yourself. You know it’s there, but try not to dwell on it more than you have to for reality to sink in and to grieve.
Great idea to talk to other people on Facebook if you do go on. But you might consider just staying away from Facebook completely for awhile. Consider taking a trip somewhere, visit a friend or family away from home. That helped me, I spent a lot of the first couple of years out in another state, on and off, with friends and family. Getting away helps water down the sadness, grieving, and pain.
You don’t have to show us, because we know, we understand, we have been through it. Most of us here have experienced our own version of what you’re going through.
Keep taking care of yourself. You’re doing a great job coming here and sharing your feelings.
Omg! That’s exactly the way he want you to feel. He wants you to see these photos. He wants you to hurt. That girl he is with now is going to be treated exactly like he treated you if not worse, he’s going to cheat on her, hurt her and betray her. She is his next victim now. As hard as it may be for you right now, you need find friends.
Obviously you can see his pictures on Facebook because they want you to see the pictures. My Facebook is private nobody can see the pictures but my friends. With these days in ages most everyone I know Facebook is set to private and only their friends can view their pictures. The only person that he wants to see those pictures is you, because he knows it hurts you and that gives him YOUR power. He is waiting for you to call or text him and ask “why? What did I do? How can you do this to me?”
WHATEVER YOU DO – DONT DO THAT! Don’t give him the satisfaction! Please!
You are Stronger than you think you are.
SocioSugar, you’re so right on this! Everyone has their FB private. My ex’s new wife set up a new FB account when they started dating and loaded it with pictures of them together and a big full face selfie of him (disgusting). Note, she is in her mid/late 50’s. She only has a couple of friends so I assume she set it up and then abandoned it.
I assumed she did this at his request, knowing I would stumble upon it at some point. I wasn’t on FB when I got involved with him, and he pushed me to get on, so I could post all our exotic trips and brag.
When I first discovered it, it hurt about a minute, as did finding their bridal registry online and going through all the ridiculous things they wanted. I realized pretty quick that this was only hurting ME and stopped doing it.
My basic rule is: if it hurts, don’t do it. Period.
And remember that nothing the sociopath does is genuine. Nothing. Everything he does is to cause pain or to con or to inflict pain or to deceive or to steal or to defraud. There is no sincere or genuine emotion that comes out of a sociopaths. The only emotion I have ever observed that is real from the sociopath is rage anger and jealousy.
You have to understand and except the fact that this person is a sociopath. There’s nothing you can do to help them. He will never be reformed. And thank your Higher Power that you were the lucky one, you escaped him. You survived it. And now he is moved onto his next victim.. And that homely girl will learn the hard way just as you did what a monster he is
yes its not fair
life is not fair
its just not
i have lost a much loved husband when i was very young–and a daughter
Life IS NOT FAIR
you cant get stuck in that fact
it wont change it
Taralav, based on your observations and evidence to date of the PSYCHOPATH, what percent chance is there that you will win him back? Be realistic, don’t over or underestimate. This will help you decide how best to invest your time.
Then if you have a reasonable to high percent chance of getting him back, say 50% or more, write an action plan in short bullets for the next 7 days of what you are going to do. Post it to us.
If the chance of getting him back is less than 50%, write an action plan in short bullets for the next 7 days of what you are going to do. Post it to us.
You can change the percentages if you wish rather than 50/50. It depends on you how you want to invest your time against likely and probable outcomes.
I did this with a “normal” ex boyfriend, and was brutally honest. I worked out that based on our communications, he had only initiated one email to me but I had initiated all the rest. I was able to accurately calculate that there was a 1% chance he would contact me if I didn’t contact him. So I decided to do no contact as my heart was in pain. I knew I had to forget about him. So I went cold turkey. My calculations were correct, when I stopped writing to him I never heard from him again.
Taralev
I used to do the same. With a “fake” name checking out his minions pictures. I used to question myself. “What does she have what I don’t ?” You know what, it does not matter. Stop looking at facebook or any other pictures of him. I don’t use facebook and I will never ever check out who he is with. Because it does not make a difference. He left you for another woman. My ex’s whore posted pictures of cruise tickets he purchased on facebook. Not knowing I was able to use this against him in court.
Taralev, let them be homely looking. That’s ok. She will be discarded eventually when fresher supply crosses his path. Just worry about yourself now. Let him be.
I know it’s hard. But you have to start at one point so you can heal. Unless you like being in pain stop looking at facebook and stop responding to his messages. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
Hanalei, what will the new job give you and how will it fit into your career plans? What will staying were you are give you? How will you feel if you go to the city and how will you feel if you stay put?
Forget about the lease just now – where do you want your life to be say for the next 2 years? If in the city there may be ways to negotiate breaking the agreement so focus on where you want to be for the next 2 years and what type of job you want to be doing. Where will you be happiest?
Taralev
I know you have children. I want to tell you what my 18 year old son said to me when I was in the place you are now. I was laying in bed, crying over my 20 year marriage, crying because I was told once again what a mentally insane b….. I am. I still wanted him back. My sons words were “mom, look at you, he is gone and you are still crying, do you want that piece of s….to come back so he can lie and cheat some more and blame you for it? To tell you the truth, mom, I am so much happier since he left, this is great now.” I will never forget those wise words my son said.
Do you want to be a weak person for your children or show them strength and courage? I chose to show my son that it is not ok to be treated like garbage. The divorce was the consequence of my ex’s behavior. Please set a good example for your children.
Now , my son says “I will never treat my wife the way he treated you,mom”. I know he is only 19 but there will be a wife and family one day and I know that my son will be a better father and husband than the ex was. Because he saw the destruction and pain. But also he saw the consequence. A 20000$ plus divorce and the ex losing everything.
Taralev
One more comment. Since I enforced the no contact and the divorce is almost final, roles have totally changed. Since I am in control now it is the ex who is almost pathetic acting. Begging through emails , texts, calls for his son to speak with him. The child he abondoned last year. You know what, it brings great pleasure for us to see the ex begging and pleading. How things have changed? One year ago I was the pathetic one. And now look at us. My son and I moved on. I know the ex cannot feel pain but on sone level it bothers him that he lost control. And that makes me happy 🙂
Kaya- my 18 year old son actually said to me the EXACT thing your did. He said “Mom, he is such a loser piece of crap why are you sad”. Luckily- me and my ex don’t have children together..no biological. The children he has are from 2 different women that I helped him raise.
But its still painful..because I met his youngest at age 9 months and hes now 6. I miss them so much.
Oh so lucky! Although I still feel sorry for my spaths kids and I’m trying to protect them from the fall out of their father’s actions…
Wish me luck! They hate me, he made sure of that although he expected me to raise them, feed them while he was out screwing everything he could and not contributing in anyway….
Of course you miss them, they are family to you. Sadly, your relationship with them is a casualty of your ex’s evil choices. This is a big loss to grieve. The children probably miss you, too. Perhaps in time when things settle, you can still maintain contact with them in some ways, but it won’t be like it was and like it should be. Don’t let the ex use your love for the children to control you, to mess with your head, and to start involving them in his games against you. Be prepared for your ex to try to turn the children against you and lie to them about you. Try to be patient, and try not to take the bait and defend yourself no matter how crazy the accusations. The truth will come out in time.
My ex P turned his children against their mother, his first ex wife, and had them all turned towards me during the love bombing stage. (I kept encouraging him to do all that he could to facilitate good relationships between the children and their mother. I believed his lies that it was their mother’s fault they were estranged; it was his fault.) Later, he turned the children against me.
I found that the less energy I spent trying to fight my ex P, the more my Higher Power stepped in and worked things out for right and good.
kaya48
You know, if it was a NORMAL person, you’d think they were remorseful for what an a$$ they were. But. The reality is, he’s only pretending to have feelings. He knows he didn’t quite assert his poison correctly and wants another chance. Yep, you were supposed to REMAIN his victims, you were NOT supposed to reclaim your dignity. You were supposed to suffer suffer suffer. He’s not “WINNNING” now. Yippee! Am so happy for you and your son.
And it’s likely that he thinks he’d be better off financially or whatever if he gets back to mooching off your life. My ex started faking wanting to reconcile when he had to pay alimony.
One day you will move on even farther, when you don’t care enough to enjoy the ex’s frustration. The ties will be completely severed, you’ll be free. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for me, though I’m not completely there yet.
EGGSZACKLY
I dont care if the spath lives in a mansion right now
or dies in ten minutes.
either way, I will feel
NOTHING.
Flatlined concerning him.
he is nothing.
Just wondered if any of you are on Donnas Love fraud site on facebook that I could find some of you..
I’ve got to stay off the radar til my husband goes to gaol (jail)
Not that I’m assuming you want to connect with me, but some of us are using this blog as a sanctuary to express our truths while going through stuff…after its over I’ll be out and proud! Just saying…