UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see .”
Hebrews 11:1
We have to hold on to hope. Hope is our best friend, hope is what we should get up with every morning. Do not look in the past , the future is unknown , live for the now , the today, this moment. Do not dwell on what he did, what he said to you, how he did things. He does not deserve any of our thoughts, emotions, tears , time. Because he is nothing.
So true Kaye! They are nothing, not worth all the time dwelling on them !
It is three weeks since I set eyes in him
I hope it is another 3 years!
It won’t be but I hang on to hope!!!
Kaya,
Thank you for your posts. They are very inspiring. I’m so sorry that this person caused you so much pain and heartache.
They really do test our strength, our resolve, our souls.
I loved your comment about being alone. I never used to mind being alone…..with two active teenagers, I crave being alone sometimes :). However, of late I have been anxious about that.
Your comment about it not being forever was insightful and assuring. I thought the analogy with your cast was brilliant.
Patience to heal……..I must remind myself of that daily.
Not
I agree so much with you. For me that 20 plus years marriage was pure hell, the divorce was a nasty court battle. It was difficult to exit. And I still take it as a blessing that I was discarded. I was so mentally dependent on him, I would have never left and still lived this hell 24/7. It was exhausting , mentally draining and just plain crazy. Like your ex, he had minions everywhere. I was blind and I was naive and I truly believed there was some good in him. There wasn’t and there will never be any good in this guy.
Being the wife of one is pure tortute and separating a life after many years is exhausting. He was”entitled ” to everything and rewrote history. All of a sudden he was the victim. I thank God every day that the court saw his lies and sided with me .
Another important aspect is that they usually plan their exit behind our back, probably for months if not longer . It comes to us as a shock. To our face, they were most likely smiling at us with kind eyes , right to the very end, behind our back.
I tried to get a clarification from him for a few months. And I was always told “I had to leave because of you. ”
Then I learned about the no contact and it changed the entire “game plan”. I learned if I broke that no contact , I give control back to the sociopath , I face further rejection and heartache , undoing all my good progress.
I will never get an honest answer from him. After all he lied to me about the affairs and porn. Why would he start now telling the truth ?
He would never say that he missed and loved his family , because he is selfish. He only thinks of his own needs and desires. He does not care how we feel and most likely he had created another life behind our back , while keeping us prisoner and in control.
So no way I would ever break that no contact. All of you please stay strong.
My ex P planned his exit before even before we got ‘married.’
OH MY GOSH….
I have been dealing with a certain something right now.
I come into my office and check my love fraud…
and Kayla had just mentioned it.
I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I DO NOT SEE MY PYSCHOLOGIST TIL SAT.
I was going thru my cell phone photos.
after his mask came off and I discovered that this spath… WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE WAS CLAIMING TO ME WITH ME…
I took photos of some of the recent texts in his phone… so that I could contact these women and let them know they too were being victimized. that he was living with me. for free! and said he was going to marry me… just the day before.
well… one woman… the one he dumped for me last year… just boom discarded… very sad… and I remember thinking.. “He will do this to me a year from now”
I communicated that to him! Hey…. do not give people you think might not be genuine… ammunition with which to con you ever more.
He said, “WHaaaatttt? Look at you. You are a singer, musician, model, actor…. the way you work with the elderly is beautiful and from God. You are not the average woman. And our spiritual and other connections are the strongest I have ever felt. ”
so….
there is a photo on my phone… of him… JUST TWO WEEKS AGO… OR IS IT 3…. ONCE he knew he was on his way out with me…..
he texts that same woman… who I am sorry… but is from another country and not educated at all about this… and doesn’t believe me..
He texts her…(while he is living with me… saying we are engaged and cheating with another chic.)
he texts her…
I love Megan… but I cant take her abuse anymore!
She is paranoid and always thinking I am cheating on her!
She abuses me physically and emotionally.”
okay… folks….. DEFAMING A PERSON IN THIS WAY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL AND he is lying 100 percent. I took care of him with a broken hip. a huuuuuge man… free rent. new car cuz he his got repossessed… fed him for a year…. on my salary that is less than half of his….
took care of his children! Taught one piano.
Forgave him when he would be paranoid or hurt me…. or leave me…..
OH MY GOD. I WAS A SAINT TO THIS MAN.
even massages at night. and I person could not be given more sex.
since he needed an escape plan Kayla…. he was already telling women whose hearts are still aching for him (including his poor lonely mom) that he was available.
so.. the very day I kicked him out… and this is demonic….
he opens my oven… and there are all of my huge… double strength, black trash bags.. that he uses to move his things ,, clothes, etc. whenever he gets angry with me… or would leave me for a few days.
HE HID THEM IN MY OVEN… B/C HE KNEW that his days were numbered b/c I am smart as hell and found out stuff about him.
so my problem now is this….
I told this poor girl Andrea.. three weeks ago what he was up to by text. I sent her photos of he and I siting intimately together… at Starbucks last summer when she was away in Brazil. I gave her the dates.. which could be seen on my facebook and the fact that he and I were wearing matching Argentina jerseys b/c Argentina played Brazil that day. I told her she could ask his teenagers… THEY WERE WITH US WATCHING THE GAME.
She never responded to me.
He had already told her I was nuts and jealous and crazy.
she blocked me from her facebook so I could not message her.
so today… I read that article… about Psychopaths returning….and it came to mind… what he did to her last year.
boom… goes to her home… ‘THIS IS NOT WORKING”
and broke her heart.. and he had me… a juicer, more alone, more vulnerable, stupid and better looking partner.
I keep obsessing that If I send her that article… an alarm in her head will go off.. and she will be like…. OH MY GOD. THAT IS HIM. Maybe this girl is not crazy after all.
she still thinks he was the love of her life. was in her text.
he texted several “ex’s” — he never breaks up with you… he just LEAVES you… wounded… with you on the floor wondering what you did wrong to make this beautiful man who loved your more than any other woman in his life…. leave?
whenever he felt unstable with me… boom…
texting the army of admirerers. he is amaaaaaaazing in bed and gorgeous… so each woman he had slept with .. like myself…
felt close to him and special and happy he was contacting us. Hopeful. maybe he is for real and is coming to his senses and does love me after all?
I cant email her…..
do not have her email.
I cant contact her at all… as myself.. b/c I hve an RO on him and them I WILL BE BREAKING IT.
but I am obsessing with texting her this article or something.
help. Please.
I need to stop making a fool of myself. each time I have contacted her… and I told her… I DO NOT WANT THIS MAN… I AM TRYING TO SAVE ANOTHER WOMAN from being used and abused.
even with my saying that… her loyal, stupid self…. calls him within minutes and tells the golden child what his crazy ex said.
I need support on this please.
we put up photos of sex offenders or people with warrants?
why cant we do the same with sociopaths? I don’t get it?
he raped my bank account, my heart, my body, my family, some of my friendships….
he had just made dinner for me for the first time Kayla.. telling me how he could not wait to take care of me for the rest of his life…… THE NIGHT HE PUT THE STORAGE BAGS IN MY OVEN.!!!!
sorry I am all over the place. I am hurting.
What they do is wrong, and it’s an injustice. Sadly, most victims of this and other wrongs in the world (there are worse injustices and exploitations happening to people in less privileged parts of the world) so not get vindicated, at least not in this lifetime.
It is heartbreaking, maddening and frustrating for you to learn about his slandering you. It’s technically illegal to defame someone, but as a practical matter he won’t be penalized for his behavior. Him telling lies about you is definitely against God’s Law, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20).
It’s crazy making, but you can’t do anything about what he said about you. You can know that he is a liar, that he has lied about you, and that he will lie about you until the day he dies. He will lie to you and about you, and he will lie to others and about others. In time, every woman he is lying to, will be lied about, and they will find out eventually that he is lying, and they will figure out that he lied about you.
It is best not to try and warn others in most situations. It never works, and it usually backfires. You have the RO out, so you really cannot contact his current victims.
Here’s what you can do: You can keep him from ever hurting you again in any way by not having any contact with him or anything about him. Put the records of texts, email, pics, etc. somewhere where you will not see them, and then don’t look at him. You will recover is you don’t let new horrible information about him hurt you. You will not begin to recover if you sustain new injuries.
You can use your time and energy to process your grief, to take good care of yourself, to do the best job you can at work, and to increase the well being of others in your life who deserve you.
I’m so glad you shared your intense feelings and your panic here. You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself and keeping yourself safe and on the road to recovery.
This is what I gained through the no contact :
It gave me time to heal.
Without him in my life , I will do things for ME .
I am no longer manipulated or controlled.
There is peace in silence.
I can move forward – bring new friends into my life.
I take back control .
The no contact offered respect for myself.
No more crazy making and gas lighting.
Yes, being on my own is “different” and challenging at times , but it keeps me and free.
hear hear!
Continued contact causes new injuries on an ongoing basis, so it is impossible to heal if the victim continues to be abused.
Kaya, your comments lately are just pure gold!
I could not agree more. Meditate to find your own inner light. And we are your support system. I am where you are, and I am learning that everything I need is already inside of me and my support is my higher power. Friends right now are an unnecessary complication until I learn more about my own strengths and weaknesses. So if that means going to the movies alone or to a restaurant alone, then that’s ok for now because I know it is not forever. I think what we are feeling is comparable to the cast that I have on my arm right now. So badly do I want to rip it off and go back to a normal (cast-free) life, but healing takes time.
Healing takes a very long time. For me, I had to go through all the stages of shock , grief , anger , acceptance to even start the healing process. I noticed that I dont think of him anymore. Once in a while I have a little flashback but it does not of it my brain 24/7 like it used to. And being single is not bad at all. It’s actually a very nice freeing experience for me. For once I can really focus on me. I was so afraid of having my heart broken but in reality it heals. It hurts but healing will come. I was discarded about 27 months ago. Divorced almost a year now. It was a very positive change in my life.
Occasionally I still find more lies but I just smile and forget about it. One advice I would also give is to remove yourself from all social websites. It really sets you back checking out what he is up to, checking out who he is dating. None of our concern anymore .
Life brings us a lot of ups and downs. My 20 year marriage was an entire illusion. I was living in denial. I was married to evil. I am lucky to be alive.
And we are much stronger than we think. I never thought I could stand up to him and show him that I am done with him. For as long as I live. And that is my empowerment. My victory.
Kayla..
very helpful post for me to wake up to this am and I just want to say thank you.
20 years? You give me hope.
I guess I should not be so upset by 8 months and be grateful that I played detective… that the Universe sent me a pocket dial from his phone.
and that he is gone and cannot lie, manipulate, use or abuse me anymore.
thank you.
I am withdrawing like a drug addict. This is ridiculous.
and it’s not him I am “jonsing/jonzing” for…
it is the person who I thought was with me this past year and living with me since Oct.
so I am craving something that does not even exist!
mindblowing.
I am in a lot of pain, if anyone willing to reach out.
Okay.. so… I am no loner being abused emotionally, financially and other ways…
I would be sooo happy.
I found out truth and will no longer be a hostage of evil.
so why am I sad and feeling as if I am going to die b/c my partner is gone?
and… he never existed….
low low point right now. tired of the rollercoaster.
Kitty,
Mindblowing. Yep! It makes me sick when I miss my ex. I miss him still sometimes, even though I know he’s a mirage and a monster. They feed off our dreams and are so convincing. I still have to mentally pinch myself when I think otherwise, when I go back to thinking “Maybe he is good?” And it’s been 4 months. I know what he is. Breaking this damn bond is hard as hell!!!
I often have to get on here, go back through my journals and do more reading.
It makes me sad you’re going through this. It makes me sad I’m going through this. It makes me sad we are all going through this!
We will be stronger someday and better than before. I used to say I want my old life back. I don’t anymore. I want a new and improved me!!
This rollercoaster ride is horrible. I’m grateful we have each other!
Thistoo,
I was JUST thinking how I gave up alot of socializing and people because of him…but I chose to for healing purposes like we all have.
They weren’t my true friends, and like I said, I need quality not quantity.
So, I guess I don’t want my old life back either…
We, who learn and go through this pain, will Grow.
The others will continue to do the same things over and over and expect different results.
😉
Remember,
I often think about how isolated I’ve become. I don’t give it a second thought though, healing is my #1 priority! Funny thing is, I don’t miss socializing like I used to. I’m happy with my small circle and chose to see them on my own time. I find I need to constantly work on my clock for the time being because it gives me a sense of control that I need right now. Guess I’m making up for the control I lost. I know it won’t always be this way. I’m seeing people more lately and feeling happy when I’m around the people who feel safe to me.
I can tell through our correspondences, along with so many others on here, that we are choosing a path for a better life. I believe we are already succeeding! We are healing and moving in the right direction. Better late than never! In ways, I find myself more and more grateful for my experiences with these men. It’s a painful way to discover myself, but I’m not sure I would’ve taken the steps I have unless forced to!
On another note, I went to my first art therapy class at my local women’s safe house this evening. It was wonderful! I left in a more relaxed and peaceful state of mind. 5 more weeks of classes to go and I can’t wait. And here I was so anxious going in….
I meant to write.
I SHOULD be so happy….
not would.
ughhh
Jan and Thistoo,
The constant contact, so much content, all bullshit.
Think of how much they lie and how much they talk…
Yes, me too, I was exhausted. I really really was. All we mostly could do was slum around because he is a scum (faked not to be) and wore me down, and I was trying to lift him up, but all I was doing was dragging around dead weight.
Interesting.
Yes, the last 6/8 months I was so happy when he would tell me he couldn’t come over. I was starting to feel smothered. I wanted some alone time.
I wasn’t ready to break up with him. How could I break up with the “perfect” boyfriend?
I was soooo happy when he had to work at the FD. 24 hour shifts.
but then again… he monitored my every minute.. no joke.
texint.. hangouts.. emails… phone calls.. fb messenger.
I would want to come home and eat dinner on my couch with my kitty after a long day…
and he would text me ten times? what are you doing? why are your responses so long?
he was the one cheating the entire time via fb messenger and other social media.
If I am much as went into the grocery store or Target alone… and left my phone in car.. he’d flip out.
I should be soooo relieved that I am out of this. bondage. evil… bondage.
He would make me take photos of myself… to prove I was where I said I was…. why didn’t I run in September? why why why?
in Sept. he was at fire dept. and as I have been doing since the year 2000…. I went to Starbuck at 645 in the morning….
he called. I said, Hi baby… Im getting coffee at Starbucks>
he was lived.
accused me of meeting someone for sex or actually coming home from partying at 645 am… something I have never done or would be interested in doing in my entire life. that was his lifestyle.
he told me to take a photo of myself at starbucks at the very moment to prove where I was…
I should have said… fuck you.. you are a mad man.. how dare you disrespect and accuse me so…. do not cal me again.
Nope… he played victim to his ex. she cheating and lied and did cocaine… guess what? NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE. He was just a paranoid freak who accused her of the same things a year prior.
she got away…. took her two years…but she is happier now.
two years they were together. he beat her. burned her with cigs..locked her in the house when she did not want her to leave.
he did not do those things to me.
he would ask me to “please be patent megan… I need to learn that I can trust you after what she did to me.”
hes been like this with the last 7 girls he has been with!
but blame it on the cray ex.
my klonopin kicking in. thank god.
love you all. sorry for writing oooo much today.
has anyone heard from paul or seen a post from him? I hope he is okay..
I am detoxing and it is excruciating.
Kitty,
Why didn’t you run in September? Why didn’t I run sooner?
We were hooked by then.
Once when I was in my mid 20s, I was asked out by this really cute boy who was charming, entertaining and made me laugh. As typical, I bought a new outfit, spent probably an hour getting ready…..I was all excited!!!
He never showed.
2 or 3 Saturdays later, he called and asked me out for that night. I told him that I had plans and besides, he stood me up a couple of weeks ago!
He became angry and responded, “Oh so you are one of those girls? You are going to be like that?”
I hung up the phone thinking I must have dodged a bullet with that one.
Funny how I still remember that to this day.
Now, how would I have handled it had he stood me up 3, 4, 6 months into dating? If he had love bombed me for some time, sent notes, cards, flowers? Would I have forgiven him for standing me up?
If I met my ex husband today, I’d run for the hills after one date. His drinking is out of control compared to when I first met him.
It is easy to walk away when you have invested nothing into a relationship. It is why our friends and family can look at us and say, “You believed that lie?” “How did you stay with him?” They weren’t in our shoes. They didn’t get hooked.
I’m slowly starting to forgive myself for why I stayed so long. It isn’t easy, I know.
Great point. If abusers of any kind showed their true selves at first, no one would have anything to do with them.
HM,
Yes, that post was wonderful…
It is nice when we get back to seeing the simple, good things in life again.
Lately, I have noticed friendly people in the grocery store, or out and about. We do both benefit from kind exchanges.
We don’t have to worry about the future today.
Just be easy on ourself and be kind to others.
Unless they display obvious amounts of charm or a sob story of course, in that case run the other way!