UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I’m sorry that this happened to you, especially the shock of a person who probably lured you into thinking he was the love of your life…on the other hand, you are still young and have gained much in terms of life experience.
You’re lucky to have such a loving parent who would come rescue you! You’ve learned how important love is, more important than prestige, money or power. That dude in jail has probably only learned how to live a more miserable life.
22 is extremely young. I didn’t think so when I was 22, but now that I’m 45, 22 literally does feel like almost childhood. Friends who are older than me say 45 is nothing, so don’t feel bad, it’s a compliment! Your adult life literally has just begun.
Don’t let this dumb creep bring you down. The only thing you can do is learn from this experience. Learn as much as you can about personality disorders. As strange as it may sound, spaths literally all have the same personality. Don’t just take my word for it, look at the thousands + commentators who have said the exact same thing. I feel like I can spot a person like this in a crowd now.
HM,
Wow.
These people are so ruthless.
Why am I surprized?
Such a jungle out there…
I hope I don’t ever completely forget all this and go back to being blind…
I hope I always stay vigilant and guarded, to not experience relations with these types again.
Remembertoforget, yes, they are ruthless. And they do it while they are pretending to plan a future with you and telling you that they love you.
Thank you everyone,
I have been through hell and back with my ex. As you all know he is a cop, and a very evil one. I always, at all times, have to be one step ahead of him.
Regarding writing an ex a “Good bye” letter. I think it is a bad idea. Silence, no contact, should be your good bye. Don’t contact ex wifes, other minions, other affair partners. You will look desperate and “crazy”. Quietly remove yourself from the craziness and cut off all communication. I asked my lawyer “How should I do this when there is a child involved?” Well, if the child is not a minor, it can easily be done. Just cut that evil person out of your life. My ex was never a “true, loving father”. True fathers do not treat their families like Mc Donald’s paper bags, that you throw in the trash when done with them. True fathers don’t lie and cheat. And I never accepted that “cheating has nothing to do with your children”. It has everything to do with the children. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. My ex basically told my son “My hate for you mother is bigger than my love for you , my son.” He lied to his son, he was a very bad role model, he connived and wanted to declare me mentally ill.
And I like Hanaleis advice. Getting your heart broken, it is not the end of the world. You will recover and heal. Its doable and its possible. Not easy but YOU MUST shift the focus away from him. You need to focus on yourself only. I find happiness in the simplest things….telling someone at work “I like your shirt color, it’s so uplifting ” . The manager smiled when I told him. Be kind to yourself and your surroundings.
Before you know it, you will see the light. Staying in the dark only brings hurt, pain, memories and tears. I stayed in the dark for 3 months after the discard and then I decided “This is it”, I will take control back, I will not dwell on this one more day. I searched for the perfect lawyer, found him, took over control with his help, and finally after 20 long years, I stood up for myself. I was DONE. I did not tell my ex, I did not write him any good bye letters, I did all this quietly behind his back. Just like him, behind my back he had his secret, perverted life.
Do you really think he would care about what you write? They do not hear us and they never will. They ONLY thing they truly hear and realizes is SILENCE.
Kaya…ok I get it. I screweed up. Big time. I’m trying though. You are much farther along than I am.
A month ago I didn’t even know I was dating a spath.
I obviously don’t know what he cares other than not me.
Silence it is.
Yes, I understand. I screwed up so many times also. The first 3 months were like a fog. I begged him, I called him, texted him, emailed him and even met him for an afternoon at the beach. Looking back now, I did everything wrong. I gave him complete control and power over me, even after being discarded. Every contact with him left me in tears and back into the fog. He blamed and accused, he belittled me, made me feel worthless, ugly and old. Then he left me in tears and went on to call his girlfriend. (I later found out through court papers that he took her to expensive restaurants by the ocean). All the while I was in bed, crying and shaking uncontrollable. And you know what…I asked for it by engaging with him.
Once I learned to stop this, things got better. I learned this here on lovefraud. For ever I am grateful for the great advice I received here.
We all go through breaking no contact. We all do the same. But in the end we all learn from our mistakes….I will never go back to being a zombie….while he is living it up. And I truly looked like a zombie then….dont know how I made it work every day.
Life is good now…hopefully we all get a happy end like mine…:)
Hanalei and others
I also confided in my ex husband , told him my weaknesses ,my mistakes , my faults. Only for him to use against me later. You cannot trust them one minute. My ex also threatened to have me fired at my job. Once when he tried to get an injunction against me, he requested it to be served to me at my job. I already knew about and retained an attorney before that. He truly wanted to destroy me. For me it was baffling. I after all , an the mother of his only child, faithful housewife, moving around the world for years in support of his 22 year army career. Always bring there for him, living in places I did not care for. All the past we had together he demonized it, he demonized me. He rewrote history. Nothing mattered to him except trying to destroy me. And this what is so different about a “normal” break up or a divorce from hell. He less now the victim. He twisted and turned words , things I never said or done. But I was to blame, I was the reason he was screwing the 20 some year old co worker.
My therapist said that for every affair I discovered there are probably 10 more. Now it is hard for me to believe how I allowed this , how I let him disrespect and devalue me. Because I was addicted to him. He was my drug, he was my addiction. And no matter what he did to me , he had that control and power for me to stay. It is a very evil game and a discard is a blessing in disguise. Throwing me away was suppose to be my punishment for being a good detective, for exposing his secrets and weaknesses. But it was the opposite. He did not punish or hurt me, he gave my life back. My dreams, my sanity, my peace. I never once list hope. God turned my tears into faith, my broken heart into happiness , every time I thought I could not go on another day God picked me up, gave me the strength to go on and to always keep my head “above the waves”. Sometimes I thought I was drowning but he was rescued me. Imevrn in the midst of the worst storm in my life, He was there.
And God safely delivered me to solid ground. I am praying of all of us here to remain strong and resilient.
Kaya, you say it is hard to believe how you allowed it, and I feel the same way. With regard to the other women, I had a suspicion two, maybe three times there was someone else, and it was short lived and in the overall interest of the relationship I *thought* I had with him, I let it go.
I now realize that those suspicions were only the tip of the iceberg and I have no doubt there were countless other women, from one night stands to longer “relationships”. It is disgusting.
I have never had a problem forgiving myself (if that is the right way to term it) for not knowing what I had no way to know. I had no idea people actually lived like he was living behind my back, and even today, knowing as much as I do, I have a hard time believing that kind of lifestyle.
Reconciling the treatment I accepted from him is harder for me. Thank God for my reading and my therapist for showing me that it was an addiction that he was in complete control of, that so quickly I became powerless. The cognitive dissonance was extreme. There were behaviors I will never speak of to anyone, they were so horrible.
I was so relieved when my therapist read my thoughts and told me that if I was worried that I subconsciously enjoyed this treatment and that is why I stayed that I could wipe that slate clean forever. That in months of therapy, she was certain that I was not a person who craved pain and hurt, and that I never wanted or enjoyed any of this. That I was simply powerless to get away. I hadn’t even realized I was afraid of this, but I was. Her words set me free.
You are right that God safely delivered us to solid ground. What we thought was the worst thing that could happen was actually the best.
It IS a new life. I am still the good person I was, with battle scars and a need for self protection, but I am still me. I am the the little girl who planted peanuts with her grandma so many years ago, the young woman who forged a career in a man’s profession and bought her first house on her own, and, as my therapist put it, I am now an elder, a wise woman who has knowledge to share. I don’t speak of my experiences off this site anymore, but I do walk a path of kindness and spread it every chance I get.
I did not cry or beg or ask why when I asked him to leave 3 weeks ago.
Of course, you were married for much longer.
I was simply the other woman.
I deleted all my email. I think it wiped out everything on Google but so be it.
Thank you for being honest and sharing. I need it.
Hanalei
I totally agree with you. I don’t talk about my horrible 20 years with many. The other day I met a lady at my community pool. She was discarded about 3 weeks ago and was in “zombie stage”. We ended up talking for hours and she said ” I cannot believe how strong you are, God sent you to talk to me today.” I truly believe that God is using me as one of his disciples to help others in similar situations. I was able to feel for this woman, to empathize with her as I went through the same.
Life gives us trials sometimes that we think we cannot master, but we go on. It was very painful for me to lose everything, but all material things can be replaced…maybe not now, or tomorrow…but one day. What matters is that we survived, we healed, we recovered and we are the same person we were before all this. I will not let what happened to me define me as a person. I am still the same woman. I am smarter now about crazy making and manipulation and I will never let anyone do this to me again.
Amille 2
I think it is very smart of you not to contact the wife, or other women. I made the mistake after the discard to contact his affair partner who is also law enforcement. The answer to my mistake was, that he tried to get this injunction against me , what cost me 1500$ in attorney fees to get it dismissed. This was a wake up moment for me. It showed me that his family did not matter…..his son even had to testify against him in court in my defense. I was lucky the judge saw how my ex abused his cop status. But it clearly opened my eyes to realize how far he would go.
I think contacting the other women or wives would be seen as desperate and foolish…I had a very good lawyer who exposed my ex’s lies and my ex ended up looking like a big liar and idiot in open court…in the same county where he is a police officer. But it could have turned out worse for me…
That is why I stay no contact….I will never give him ammunition to start a war against me. Never….
Thank you kaya.
I know his wife. He was dating her before me and broke up. Or so I was told by others. Mutual friends told me that she was devasted and was begging and pleading with him to take her back.
Evidently he did! Knowing what I have learned here, I can only imagine her life is awful with him. I’m actually worried that because I walked from him because I found the obit placed by her/her family, that he is taking his anger out on her.
Do they do that? Get angry at their wives for something like that? Or is he too busy with other girlfriends and trolling for new supplies? Am I once again projecting human emotions on someone who is void?
I know she realizes he is unfaithful. Once at the beginning of the relationship I mailed him a cute card. The following day, he said his “son” found it and had a complete meltdown. Obviously I know now it was her..and rightly so.
So no. I see no good in reaching out to her or his ex wife. I don’t trust that they aren’t still hooked in some way.
I will pray for her….and pray that I can get away from him unscathed.
In my experience, spaths don’t feel anger, except at not getting what they want, and they don’t act out of control. My ex psychopath faked anger and acted as if in a rage in order to frighten and bully someone to do what he wanted them to do, or not to do something he didn’t want them to do, such as hold him accountable for his actions or bring up issues. My ex P would change from raging behavior to charming lovebombing behavior in a heartbeat, if he thought another tactic would work better for him in manipulating someone. His emotions were all fake. Someone who is really angry needs some time to calm down from a rage; and if the love bombing behavior is true, then he would not turn on the victim with a rage.
It is likely that your ex would rage at his wife if he thinks it will get him something that he wants. He may twist facts and reality to justify whatever he wants to do at any given moment. I don’t think that he is likely to dump anger on his wife unless he sees a benefit for himself.
Thank you Annette….that makes me feel a little bit better.
Like I said, I do feel awful for her.
Kaya-
you are right. I realized long ago that every word that came out of my mouth was potential ammunition for the sociopath to use against me, no matter how innocent a statement might seem.