UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
No more wool
Exactly what my lawyer said. Innocent statement turn into weapons of mass destruction. No statements are the solution. Because anything you say they can use against you. I learned my lesson. That injunction cost me 3 weeks of sleepless nights (until the court hearing) the 1500$ and temporary high blood pressure. So , no I would never risk anything again. Because he is my enemy and will always be my enemy.
The last thing I ever said to the sociopath before leaving was an off the cuff remark that wasn’t really true. Guess what? for months afterward the sociopath threw it back at me in EVERY manipulation attempt. It didn’t work because I had already gone grey rock.
kittylover
don’t beat yourself up over being unaware of his intentions…thats what they do. we are all victims and we all believed each and every word of their bull. we saw red flags at the time, but like me, put them aside and didn’t pay much attention to them.. it is not your fault. he pursued your parents just like he did to you…its not your parents fault for believing him either, its nobodys fault. these sick people do this kind of thing, they twist our brains and manipulate us to believe everything about them…
i too had a couple good friends who at the beginning, told me to look out and run and it was abnormal for a guy (he was 55 and i was 45 at the time) to be looking for someone, throwing marriage proposals my way, complimenting everything i did, i love you after the first day or two, etc. and to come across the world to meet me…i didn’t listen and i should have. i even thought i had proved them wrong. i was angry that they could say this to me..
he came to be with me after six months and we were together for three years from that point…he seemed normal, honest, upstanding citizen, hard worker, good looking…but in the end they were right..
we all have our stories and they are each unique but they are all the same ending..
i have learned not to discuss any of this with any friends, they don’t know unless they have been there…i stick to LF where people do not judge and i can say everything thats happened because they too have been there…
I just went to check voice mail… cuz it said I got one…
and it was from CVD of course.. hate those things.
I as doing something.. so it went to the last saved message which ws april16th… with my “fiancé” who just talked marrieage night before..
sorry for typos… just alittle upset.. but Ill be okay..
was the message..
the pocket dial (that saved me from this man)…
of him being sexually intimate and emotionally intimate with her.. he actually says…. about me… a woman who took him in with a broken leg.. took care of him for free for a year b/c he lost his second job. got him a used car cuz his got repossed. fed him. took care of his kids. sex. love. my parents.
he says to this girl, “I look forward to when I am officially out of the relationship with Megan… that I tell her the truth or just bail…. because I feel we are cheapening our sex. It’s tainted… b/c the bond I feel with you is more powerful… more amazing than I have ever felt with any woman in my life.”
I feel sick.
I just wish the world could hear it.
I think it will help me Satruday… when I see my psychologist/therapist… to have HER LISTEN TO THE EVIL WITH ME.
It is pure evil.
He ha texted me 1 mins prior to the pocket dial.
BB… At Drs. Office.
I LOVE YOU.
the night before he made me dinner for first time… said he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.
I am thankful for this phone message. it was Gods/The universes’s way of PROVING TO ME THAT I WAS BEING CONNED AND USED AND ABUSED AND VICTIMIZED.
god knows how much longer he would have been living here off and with me… and conning an engagement.. til he got close enough to that poor target… to move in with her!
Oh my god.
send love please. I just heard Satan’s voice it feels on that tape. I am shaken up. I wish the world. I wish his friends could hear it. HE WOULD NOT LISTEN TO IT WHEN I ASKED HIM TO
He begged me to stay. he loves me.. he had a “lapse in judgement”
that’s funny.
I said… okay.. then hold my hand… look me in the eye… as I play your pocket dial on speaker phone.
He first played victim and said… is that the only reason you are having a conversation with me Megan? To bash me? To tell me what a piece of shit I am.
he then demanded with that look…
DELETE THAN MESSAGE.
I said… it is my phone… I will do what I want and I need it to remind myself who you truly are…….
he grabbed my phone from me.
He went to delete it.
He smiled… cuz he thought he did.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW….
I DOWNLOADED IT on the device and Emailed it to my computer in the case he did that.
I just wish the world could hear it. all his victims. I wish the girl he is with on the call…. could see what he texted me from where ever they were… and heard his words the evening before….
I will not let this accidental hearing break me. It is a GOOD THING. Just painful and literally sickening to hear.
he had just had sex with me a few hours prior saying he loves me and hed never leave me…. and God brought me to him… and he was going to pay me back for the rest of his life… and until we are old and in a nursing home together….
for all the good I had done for him.
he would have literally been carless and homeless if I had not fell for it.
and with a broken leg.
Oh… if I could only go back.
How How How?
PURE EVIL.
I was raised roman catholic. all catholic schools til college. I have read books like People of the Lie By M. Scott Peck…. please please read…..
it is about human evil.
and yet…
this is more evil than anything… even like a Ted Bundy or Johny Wayne Gasey. The were truly insane and since they were violent … they got caught… there victims… I AM NOT MINIMIZING LIVES OF THE VICTIMS…
but the victims of the spaths… were not personal.
this girl on campus.
that boy working construction on street.
this dude… it was plotted… almost a year. one on one. lots of time and energy and lies.
knew my adoption.
knew birthparents REALLY MESSED ME UP AT nineteen.
knew I had tried suicide…
and my heart stopped from anorexia a year before.
new Id been beat as a kid.
those other dudes.. kinda grab someone when they could.
this dude.. became part of my life… family… job.. soul… home… my doctors… therapists… my music gigs.. my fears… my dreams…..
I feel raped.
sorry I am writing so much tonite.
I just feel that like a Bundy or a Gacy..
HE SHOULD BE BEHIND BARS.
a danger to society ..
Oh I am so sorry that you had to hear that again. It is the ultimate betrayal. Yes, you, and all us victims of spaths, have been emotionally raped. It is definitely rape when you would not have consented to spend even one minute in conversation with him if you knew the truth about his motivations and activities. He tricked you into it.
Yes, he should be behind bars. When you compare him to Bundy and Gacy, you know that a spath is capable of doing anything if it suits their purpose. He could have done any thing that he has not been caught for. Psychopaths pretty much create all harm and all problems for humanity.
When you say the victims are not personal, in my experience that applies to all of us. Spaths do not bond with any particular person. They don’t choose us because of who we are. We could be anyone as far as the spath cares. For them, it is a matter of opportunity – whoever is available and vulnerable to exploit. That is why they can move from one victim to another very fast in fake romantic relationships. That is why they can fake ‘loving’ a victim before they get to know the person.
The person you bonded to is fake. He never bonded to you as a person. You (and I with my ex psychopath) never really existed as an individual to him. It’s difficult to think about especially because it is so foreign to the normal.
My ex P actually said to me once, that he didn’t ever bond to his mother. Your ex doesn’t care about his parents, his siblings, his children if he has any, as individuals nor as people. Spaths think of people about like we normal folks think of a park bench or some other unimportant object – just something to be used as long as it suits him.
The way listening to his message made you feel, is a good reason to avoid reinjuring yourself by hearing an audio tape of him, or seeing a photo of him, or reading an old email from him. He is always harmful and it is normal to be harmed when you are exposed to anything about him. Perhaps your therapist will have some insight into whether it’s helpful to listen to that audio again, or just avoid it.
I am years out and I am still triggered by anything to do with my ex psychopath. I expect it will always be that way because he did and does terrible things and harmed me. I would expect a victim of rape to be traumatized seeing and hearing anything from or about the monster who raped her.
Kitty lover
Wow that is unbelievable that you heard this. How unfortunate for you, I’m so very sorry.
Ugh that’s what they do…they are with you one minute and texting or with someone else the next saying the same things..he promises you he will take you to a favorite place but he’s saying the exact crap to the other women.
What a crock of bull he told this girl..your relationship with him is cheapening their relationship..makes you want to rip that smug face off.
They are beyond pathetic…but to be pocket dialed like you said is a blessing and a sign from above.
that pocket dial saved my life. and ive never gotten one from him in a year.
thank you God… thank you universe. I had to here it from Mr. Hyde’s mouth HIMSELF…. to realize who Dr. Jeckyl was.. I would not have believed anyone in a million years that the man living with me.. cooking for me… promising forever.. having sex with me….. was who and what he was. I did not believe his own mother three weeks prior when she called and told me her son was a soc and N. funny… she has even fallen for it knowing what he is and what he has done to people….shows how convincing an mind controlling true evil is. Not a sick person… TRULY EVIL.
Kitylover, I truly feel your pain. I am in a very similiar situation as my Psycopath works with me at the firehouse. Your past same in a lot of ways. I was abused, and discarded by family and a whole host of other things. Please keep talking, please keep letting us know how you feel. Its ok, you were victimized. I want to tell you that you are special, kind and wonderful person. That no one at anytime had the right to judge you, put you down or treat you less than. I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve that. There is no easy answer on how to fix this inside us. the tapes, the memories what people say here is time. I did read some books, like JM Shorts book, really good, also the book about psychopaths as to us we can not relate on any level the behavior that was put on us. please keep chatting on here with us and with me. I am standing where you are. Right now hold on, talk to your counselor. My heart breaks for you also. I wish i could sit with you and have a cup of coffee or tea and tell you that i care and it will be ok. 🙂
In The Middle of Heartache…
I cant tell you how much I feel the sincerity of your message and I can smell the coffee we are sharing together. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Ive been thru a lot in life… but this? A man employed to save and protect society… actually.. destroying… abusing… conning. stealing from and enjoying hurting women? I wish you and I could sit and talk also. I heard he also was screwing a female fire fighter. I hope it was not you. Im kind of just kidding. 🙂
I do not know how you work with him. Mine… luckily got terminated from the Physical therapy job he had where I was a music therapist. and yet… the fd lets him stay on? I JUST DO NOT GET IT.
If other women had the strength to come forward as I have… hed be out. He couldn’t use his uniform and boots and stature as mr. six ft. five fireman/paremedic to impress and seduce and obtain the trust of women anymore.
He is under investigation now I have been told… but I do not even know what that means.
thank you for your compassion. I can feel it as if you were here next to me.
JaneD,
Telling you how he could fake a document to show to his wife…? How stupid. They are like 13 still.
So sad.
Remember
Yes he told me he would or maybe he had a form that he would use to convince and show his wife that he was accepted for a job..enabling him leave her for a period of time.
Guess that proves that he did it to me as well, I used to find it odd when he’d show me documents or job acceptances sent to him confirming employment. Why do you need to show me this? Almost like he was trying to prove he was somewhere when he wasn’t
You’re correct…so sad and pathetic
Janedoe,
I don’t know what his parents thought. For all I know, he told them that I was merely a friend. Weird too because I bought them Christmas presents or sent food when there was a death in the family. His mother always wrote thank you notes. Of course who knows if it was actually her? I suppose he could have taken her address labels and disguised his handwriting.
Nothing surprises me anymore.
Migraines were always a reason why I couldn’t see him during the evenings; weekends; or he was with his daughter on the weekends. I, of course wonder about that now. The meds were real. But you have me thinking, I don’t know all the meds he took. I’m starting to think there were others……as in his son was supposedly bipolar? I’m guessing now it was him that was diagnosed with it.
I don’t know what he told her when we went on trips together. I was always surprised he actually went with me. I was always bracing myself for him to cancel. He never did.
He did take me to his daughter’s school plays twice. He must not have gone to the school often because no one seemed surprised to see me there with him.
The lies are just pouring in….how was I so blind…..just glad I finally came to.
Annette
Thank you so much for this important information how they not bond with mother , father , siblings , children.
My ex once did not see his mother for almost 13 years and had no desire to visit her until I purchased a plane ticket for him to go. Still there was no joy or excitement to visit her, his sister it brothers. It was just like he was going to the mall for the day. I found it very odd as I grew up in a close , loving family and could not imagine not seeing my parents for over 13 years. When they talked on the phone about once or twice a year , he had nothing to talk about except the weather. Very strange but now it makes sense to me. He could never bond. The father left for a younger mistress and left the mother with 5 children.
I never thought my ex would repeat his fathers actions. At the same age , with the co worker , same evil way.
I truly hope this lack of morales and unacceptable , inappropriate behavior will end with my ex’s generation.
Thanks again for this explanation.
Inthemiddle,
Which book is Jm-shorts book?
Carnal Abuse by Deceit. It is very enlightening about the type of NP Narc, and spaths.
I was just told about this site…and seriously need help and advice.
A little background, I’ve been with my husband for about ten years now (just married for two). After meeting, it was a world wind and I was moved in with him within a few months. He was perfect, everything I ever wanted and more….for about 3 months and the mask started slipping. Started with frequently catching him on POF and women calling the house in the middle of the night asking for him and when confronted of course I was just being jealous and crazy, afterall he was allowed to have friends. I of course relented, thinking I was just being paranoid…..it wasnt long before I learned of multiple affairs and when I confronted him….the first physical assault-rape. I of course left him and went and stayed with my parents, but of course he constantly texted/called saying he had too much to drink and downplayed the rape by saying it wasnt actually rape, that he needed me and he thought I was just messing around saying no…sounds crazy but he actually convinced me that he didnt infact rape me….anyways back I went….again a few great months….then little things started, the isolation, if I made plans to go somewhere with someone-he’d say “but I made plans for us to do this”-guilt trip so i’d go with him……or if he didn’t like the person(because they couldnt stand him and wanted me to leave him) he’d convince me they were jealous of us and trying to ruin us……needless to say little by little my circle got smaller and smaller…..we’d go a few months where everything was perfect, but overtly he was always “messing” with my mind by gaslighting/mirroring/projection.(At the time I had no idea what was happening as I new nothing about these people)..anyways he got bored-everything was going smoothly for too long, so again started cheating….I left again (back to my parents couch)…the next day-he moved in with her….I constantly texted begging and pleading for him to give me another chance-no response-complete discard..I was lost the silence killed me and became suicidal. I was admitted to the pysch ward for a few days until I calmed down…I texted to tell him how upset I was and begged for him to take me back-he didnt respond (I came to learn later him and the new target laughed about me being crazy and gone to the psych ward)……so I started to heal…started to learn about psychopaths and it blew my mind…I finally understood what was going on with him-but still lost as to why I loved this monster? 6 months after the discard, he texted…..of course there was trouble in paradise with the new one and he sucked me back in…before long she was moved out-and me back in (here we go again)…to make a long story short(er)…we played this dance back and forth our entire relationship. I left him in total 6 times, but each time I left, we remained constant contact by email/text with him begging me to take him back and me rejecting him (but secretly I absolutely took comfort in hearing him beg and plead with me eachday-because then I could still be in denial and think “he does love me”. As time went on, the abuse became more frequent and sadistic (but Im talking once or twice a year, it wasnt a daily occurrence)…..I endured things such as being tied to a chair, my legs spread and a hose pushed inside me so he could “make sure the dirty whore was clean”…..he would hold my head underwater in the bath until I would agree to forgive whatever I was upset with him about, while sexually fondling me and getting aroused, when I’d finally give in, hed laugh and hug me as if we just had a great bonding moment and play it off like we were just wresting on the sofa playfully. So the years passed on, and eventually I had no friends or family…noone-but him. I became completely reliant on him-for everything. Each time I’d step out of bounds and disagree with anything-he’d start with the cheating, then the degrading of me so my self esteem was completely gone….however the worse it got-the more I loved him…I couldnt understand it but somehow I just saw him as this damaged child who if I loved hard enough-I’d fix him….but mentally I couldnt take the severe abuse and would frequently leave/back a few weeks later….so then he asks me to marry him, promises then of everything being perfect, he finally realized what a fool hes been and Im the only woman in the world he will ever love this way…blah blah blah….we’re going to build our dream house in the country and we are going to have the kind of life we both always dreamed of…..so of course I agreed-afterall that was my dream too…..3 weeks before our wedding day I again caught him cheating-and I blew-and he says well I dont want to marry you now….again I broke down and said “what are you trying to do to me, it would be easier to hang myself then to keep putting up with this shit from you”..and I walked away…..that evening he calls and says hes sorry and he made a mistake blah blah blah…so I marry him because I cant imagine not having him. (come to learn later he told all his friends/family/and new targets he only married me so I wouldnt hang myself)…..he’s an expert at taking a portion of the truth and twisting it-to his benefit. So we get married, build our dream house-in the country with no neighbors….he sucks me dry financially to build the house and then wont finish an office space in our house so I can work from home-so I had to give up my job…..then my car breaks down and he wont even have it checked to see if its repairable….always excuses about time or being sick or not enough money….so here I am, in the country-no job-no car-not even a phone at this point….this was his plan…I am now completely under his control because I had no options but to stay and treat him as “god”……and I did….and I did….and I did…..after a year of not leaving the house, not talking to anyone but him and being completely reliant on him for everything……I saw myself as the problem, anytime hed get angry-it was because of something I did wrong…had the police ever came and tried to arrest him-I would of attacked the police…after all my husband was the best. When I behaved, he’d even take me out of the house and take me to the mcdonalds drive-thru, or the building supply store and every saturday he would take me to the grocery store and I was allowed to pick out some of the groceries….he was soooo good to me (I was brainwashed….some have told me stockholm syndrome but im not sure),,,anyways we went along like that for awhile, he got meaner and meaner and more and more controling, and I became more and more submissive and accepting of responsibility…then came xmas and he and my son (who didnt live with us-no kids did) had a disagreement and he raised his fist to strike him and I quickly got in the middle….the police were called, my son and I left-no charges were laid but the officer took me to the hospital to ensure I’d be ok mentally because I was so devastated…he talked to me a lot about womens shelters for domestic violence and really persuaded me-it was time(even though I never admitted to him anything because I still didnt want my husband to get in trouble)….but I went to the shelter…..I stayed for three weeks and then went on to a second stage housing apartment for a few months (but secretly still kept in contact with my husband)…I was on welfare, taking meds for depression and couldnt work-could barely function at all…I’d sit for hours just waiting for my phone to beep…I had no car after rent, I had $160 a month to survive on. I went to see a victim services worker who tried to persuade me to give a police statement-but I couldnt do that…went to see a lawyer about divorce and division of assets and was told it could cost about $20,000 to fight and I still may end up with nothing….and that everything I left would have to stay behind with him until I could fight to get any of it…..so I had nothing….most of all…no hope….so of course with the constant “I miss you and I need you’s” I went back again…….same story-ending in january of this year with him trying to strangle me in the middle of the street and then trying to force me into the vehicle and drag me off to “finish the job”…I fled the next day to the other side of the country and stayed with my daughter for 3 months, still with constant texts from him about coming back….with this time I was stronger and it was constant rejection on my part-I never planned on returning to him, but Im not going to lie I still liked the “noise” of his constant attention -Love the way you lie….May 3rd I see a picture online of that same woman he moved in with years ago, sitting on my couch in my house…so I ask her if she is back with him and she replies with all sorts of nasties about living with him, having an affair our whole marriage and hes been buying her expensive gifts and giving her money…they threw away all my clothes and gave away my animals -just nasty….so I confront him (remember hes still texting me saying he wants me to come home, hes so lonely and doesnt want anyone else etc)…the end-he stopped all communication with me-havent heard from him since…..I hopped a plane middle of May back and showed up on our doorstep-we’re still married afterall I figured legally he couldnt stop me from returning and my hope was 1: he would hit me and I’d call and have him charged and removed or 2: hed be so uncomfortable him and the girlfriend would flee to another accommodation…unfortunately didn’t work out that way he locked me out, called the cops and they laughed in my face and said I lost all rights by abandoning my home and didn’t believe me about the abuse. So here I am now, on my parents couch (again), with no support system other then them (and to be honest they dont understand the whole situation either and Im not sure they believe me)…again so messed up I cant work…..needing to find $20,000 to hire a lawyer to fight to get anything from my home…..lost without my pets…….and just trying to fight-giving up. I know the pattern and I know he will be back-when he;s bored with her-I make a better victim…..right now I’d have the strength to refuse, but Im afraid over time I’ll weaken….I still miss him, but even more so I miss my life and my home and animals. I’m still messed up so badly I dont know where to turn. I’d like to go after him criminally but been told from some people at the shelter last year that domestic abuse charges rarely get anywhere here…..plus who is going to believe me now…I just look like the bitter jealous ex…….advice from anyone with similar situations?
Dearest Debbie,
I just want to wrap my arms around your hurting soul.
I want you to know that we understand you pain. This man, pure pure evil. It never was about you. He will do this to anyone. No conscience. No dignity. NO INTEGRITY.
Please do not leave this site. It saved me.
if I had stayed on this site a year ago when I simply “suspected” he was a conartist, cheat, liar…. It would have saved me. But he came back, crying.. loving me… having his kids and estranged mother and his “friends” (followers” and my coworkers tell how they had never seen him love a woman so much. that hed given up his player lifestyle for me…. b/c he had found such a special and loving and beautiful and talented woman.
I should have known? Oh… hes a player? okay… always a player. but he cried and swore and deleted al their naked photos and videos from his phone and stopped contacting them all — leaving many hearts broken…. which for him was good and intentional… b/c when he needed supply.. hed contact them and their broken little hearts would come running.
enough about me (This Starbuck’s coffee is too strong!)
Please remain here. Thank you for your courage to tell us your story.
xoxoxoxoox
Debbie,
I am so sorry for what you went through. I hope that you continue to believe in yourself. That you need to think about you now. Focus on whatever it is that you need to do……….whatever makes you happy, do it.
He doesn’t matter.
Remember you have things he will never have….a soul, the ability to love, compassion for your loved ones……all the things that truly matter in life.
debbie3967, HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!
I have heard some horrific tales of sociopaths on this site and others as well as endured them myself from my ex h but I can tell you that I have never heard such horrific abuse as I read in your post.
It is time to end this abusive relationship and cut this man who is the devil himself out of your life for ever.
I was married to a sociopath for 12 years and it was hell, the divorce was the bottom of hell. The mind games my ex played on me pushed me too over my emotional edge which happens to most if not all victims. I want you to know you are NOT crazy, you are not the problem in this relationship…YOUR HUSBAND IS CRAZY & HE IS THE PROBLEM.
There is nothing you can do to change him NOTHING…he is showing you EXACTLY who he is PURE PURE EVIL!!!
For 12 years the mental games my ex h did to me was mind blowing and while he broke me down daily he was out cheating on me and conning others out of money or what ever they had that he wanted. Like you I tried to work on my marriage…after all that is what we are taught…that marriage is hard work….Let me tell you something a “marriage” with a sociopath is not a marriage it is a dictator telling you how to act, feel, behave…it is a dictator not allowing you to be free…this is NOT a marriage this is abusive, this is evil.
When I finally escaped literally I was a shell of the person I once was…gone for the happy person I was, always smiling & always joyful. I was a walking step ford wife, robot, zombie, just trying to function someone on a daily bases not to upset my h. This is not a life to live…this is NOT what GOD wants for you…God wants you to be full of happiness and love.
It’s time for an EXIT PLAN out of this relationship for good…yes you have left him…but you are not out yet because he still has control of your mind. He IS a cult leader and you are his cult follower…this is how you must view him from now on. He like all sociopaths has been brain washing you, mind controlling you, using trance & hypnosis on you, plus reward & punishment techniques and gas lighting abuse mind games etc
Just like a cult follower in a cult you need to break your mind free from his control. I would highly recommend that you contact Steven Hassan of the Freedom of Mind resource Center (his site is under the Freedom of Mind Resource Center). He himself was inducted into at cult in college and with the help of his parents & former cult members they broke his mind free. He returned to college to obtain his masters in counseling and has specialized in Domestic abuse victims & cult victims. He has been on CNN, Larry King Live, 60 minutes, Fox news, The John Walsh show etc. He will be able to break the mind control that your ex has over you now so that you can start your healing process. Steven Hassan’s office is outside of Boston, Ma but he works with people all over the world via phone & he also has counselors around the world that can help you. He charges a normal counseling fee see his site Freedom of Mind Resource Center.Com.
I want you to know
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE…
WE HEAR YOU DEBBIE…
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!
I will post things that helped me below this post for you to read.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU 🙂 🙂 🙂
Debbie, I know what it is like to leave but still want to work on the marriage and still want to be with my abuser…they condition their victims to stay..they are masters at manipulating people to accept their abuse. I literally needed someone to come into my home and carry me out of my marriage…that never happened because my ex h isolated me from family & friends so they had no idea what was going on plus my family and long time friends lived in other states so they did not see what I looked like (pure exhausted) and how I was behaving on a daily bases.
Here are things that I found along my healing journey that I will post for you know. When I left I needed someone to guide me but there was no one, so know I post everything for others and you can decide what will help you along your healing journey.
The most important thing to remember is YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE!! So reach out for help…and if someone can not understand what you have been through then find someone that can understand.
1) For Court Divorce matters see Onemomsbattle. com, the site creators two books and their Facebook page One moms battle. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can talk freely, ask questions, vent on their Facebook page. This page is a wonderful support site and will help guide you though your divorce. I believe Tina also has a service that you can talk with her on the phone (not sure check the site).
2) Finding a Lawyer that understands domestic abuse. You will find that lots of lawyers are narcissist & sociopaths too…so beware!! On One moms battle there is a list of lawyers that “get” sociopathic abuse…if you do not find a lawyer in your state listed then ask if someone recommends one in your town.
3) Most states you can ask for Lawyer fees & temporary alimony in court motions..SO do this!!!
4) You can also file your own divorce papers with the clark. If you go to the court house that deals with divorce ask for the paper work or you can downloaded on line. This will save you money by doing it yourself then you can get a lawyer after. BUT PLEASE be very specific how you file the reason. Some states actually have a box for “Domestic abuse” (might be under a different term” . Think about finding this way!! It is much better to get a knowledgeable lawyer in domestic abuse to help you. Keep in mind that lawyers will put on their website that they “understand domestic abuse” but they really don’t” So interview lawyers first prior to hiring them.
5) There are countless books on “Financial Divorce” at your local big box book store in the “Divorce Section’ also check with your state & clerks office.
for instance if you were married for 13 years (I think this is the amount of years) you are entitled to his social security portion if you do not remarry. See the Social security website for more info.
5) Your health…most victims leaving their health from all the stress is not good. So take the time to get a full physical and find a good hormonal specialist or endocrinologist to test you for hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency & cortisol levels (all issues with stress/PTSD/domestic abuse)
6) one of the biggest issues with PSTD according to Adrenal fatigue expert Dr Wilson is adrenal fatigue. Our adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol levels, adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones including all of the female hormones. With continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands work over time and end the end they become fatigues…as a result it wreaks havoc on our body and mind.
see sites:
Adrenalfatiue. org (see symptoms list, read, see test info)
Drlam. com (see symptoms list, read)
Mialundin. com (READ her book, see her you tube videos on sleep issues)
Once you get your heath back in order you will mind that you will be calmer, not anxiety or depression, no brain fog, racing mind etc. all issues with adrenal fatigue.
7) Start an EXIT PLAN out of this relationship with the help of your Local abuse center. They have free counseling & women group meetings that will help you to know that you are not alone but also a great support site if your ex comes back down the road
You can contact your countries National Domestic Abuse Hotline to get help with an exit plan & for local abuse center numbers. In the USA it’s 800-799-SAFE
8) GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ASAP ON THIS EVIL MAN with help from your local abuse center. This will help you in divorce court & will keep you protect. DO NOT worry about the impact on your ex….PROTECT YOURSELF!!!
9) Follow the NO CONTACT RULE asap!!
Go up to the top of this site and do a search in the box for “No Contact rule”
google: Sociopath no contact rule, Narcissist no contact rule, no contact rule to learn more.
Change you phone number, get a po box, protect your social media and change your email…cut him out form contact you.
10) In court papers ask the court for a court ordered mental evaluation on your ex. Omens battle Facebook page can help guide you on this. This will help you throughout the divorce process. Put in court papers (not the first motion filing but after your ex response) that he is a sociopath/psychopath with narcissist personality disorder. DOCUMENT EVERY DOMESTIC ABUSE THING HE DID TO YOU IN DIVORCE PAPERS…this is where a knowledgable lawyer can help. Your divorce motions will protect you in the future so DOCUMENT EVERYTHING HERE.
11) Have your most trusted family & friends come to love fraud and read everything so that they fully understand the hell you have been through so that they can help you fully.
12) Educate yourself on your ex sociopathic behavior by reading everything that Lovefraud has listed at the top under the red/gray tab and be sure to watch the videos at the top also under the “video tab”.
Donna Anderson (LF site creator) has done a wonderful job with this site…it is a library of info. She also has a service that you can call her for guidance. She charges a min fee see the top under “contact” for more info. This will help you too if you decide to reach out for her help.
13) Books to read:
Donna Andersons’ books Lovefraud see red tab at top “Bookstore” for her books and others she recmmends
Other books:
Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown
Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan
The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Sout (this one is free on you tube for you to listen to the audio version)
Check your local library to see what books they have on domestic abuse, sociopath, narcissist abuse etc.
14)Print everyones post here that has posted to you because they get lost in the mix with everyone posting.
Your healing journey is your healing journey…so find your way by asking question here and venting here too.
Wishing you all the best…Take care 🙂
I just want to add to what Jan7 has so wonderfully shared with Debbie.
Debbie….
filing a restraining order on my spath.. was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
Not only am I protecting myself physically…
but…. at low points… b/c we are detoxing… b/c some of us are addicted.. b/c some of us.. like myself are experiencing severe depression…
if he were to do… what he always does…
and show up… or contact me…..
my brokenness…. would go right back for a fix.
Now he does not have the option to manipulate or lie or steal or abuse me…. an if I am grieving and kicking and screaming… and sad… and would love to tell him what an ugly, pathetic low life he is..
I just might have.
but now I cant… and that is a blessing…. b/c you cannot reason with insanity.
when we speak to our spaths… we forget.. their reality… is not reality. Is not truth… and that is one way they get us engaged in their evil and games…
b/c then we want to prove to them… that they are wrong… that we are not crazy… blah, blah, blah.
I think this RO… on many levels is saving my life right now. No joke.
Debbie
that is unbelievable”what a horrific person”
i know here in canada if you go to your regular physician, you can get a referral to a specialist”have you tried this?
you need to speak with an expert concerning what he has done to you and asap”holding you under water??? making you put a hose inside you? wow”
i am so sorry you had to deal with this for so many years, please get help..