UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thistoo,
I’m sorry you are home not feeling well.
Almost everything you just said I can say the same- even the things about him. Mine acted like he wasn’t like that with his ex either! That PISSES me off and baffles me.
No WAy!
Looks like alot of us are having a day today.
Not to sound wacky but Mercury is retrograde now, ruling communications and remembering the past.
Blablabla……
Just a tid bit.
Remember,
I don’t know much about how the planets and universe work, but I’m open to it! God and the universe work in mysterious ways…
I’m starting to feel more human now, emotionally that is.
My ex used to talk about what a nice guy he is. And when he would do nice things for me he would comment on how I should tell my friends/family and see what they say. He would often say “I’m a nice guy.” Red flag right there. A nice person proves they’re nice by their actions, not by talking about how nice they are. Jerk.
It’s all the mind games that are getting to me right now. So unbelievable. Now that I’ve gone full NC I’m starting to see things more for what they are. I’m feeling better, stronger, but so sickened that I was preyed upon like this after #1. I truly believe he wanted to destroy me. All so I could be the perfect image/cover up for him. Makes no sense.
It’s like finding a bird with a broken wing, pretending to the bird that you’re going to help heal it and then break it’s other wing so the bird is helpless and you have something to “care” for, and in the end it relies on you fully. Strange analogy I just came up with, but you get my gist!
GREAT analogy!
Thanks, bluelight!
I feel like reading analogies and coming up with my own help me put perspective on things. 🙂
I’ll share a favorite I read (I can’t remember where)…We are like electronics/appliance to our ex’s. Think of your favorite appliance/electronic when it’s brand new. You LOVE it. You can’t get enough of it! And then it starts having minor problems you can fix and it agrees with you again. And then slowly over time it might start having glitches and you get so mad because you just want it to work and be there for you and be perfect like it was in the beginning! After a while, you get fed up and move to a newer model.
That’s right, I think of myself as a spath appliance. It puts a lot into perspective for me! I am nothing more to both my spaths but a fun toy that started malfunctioning when I questioned them and wasn’t as fun/new/perfect anymore.
It’s so true. So true.
Thistoo,
That analogy, is EXACTLY what my ex- Best friend did to me. Pretended to help me and when she thought for a moment I was doing better- she sabotaged me!!! Threatening to tell a secret she knows from 8 years ago about me!!! WHAaaaattt?
She was mad that I was friends with people who no longer wanted to know her because she is sick and toxic. We all knew each other for 20 yrs, I’ve known them even longer.
So, she decided to kick me when I was down!! I was her last friend standing.
Her and my ex probably talk on fb who knows.
Yea, Mr. Nice Guy….#2
Oh that’s their new nick names…
Mine was the same.
I take care of people always, I feed people.
Bull shit, you take hostages and destroy people.
Oh maybe he only did that to me since his ex #1 still messes with him.
They used to have 3somes in the 90’s.
So, I guess they would still be cool. A match made in heaven.
Blaaaaaaaaaah.
But yes,if you have to talk about what you are. Fake. His words didn’t match his actions ever.
A walking contradiction.
A walking hypocrite.
Remember,
Sounds like a great “best friend!” I’m sorry she did that to you. I’m glad you let her go.
It’s funny to me how when we start discovering these people more relationships come out that need to be severed, in all areas of our lives. I can now look back and see how many toxic relationships I’ve had over the years…boyfriends, family, friends, coworkers. I was there for so many people. I prided myself on not being judgmental. Basically, I aided bad people in feeling good about themselves and I was used. It’s a painful realization but one that I’m glad I have.
It brings it back to you wondering how we are recognizing people like this now? We get angry that other people don’t see our ex’s for what they are but there was a time we didn’t see people for what they were. I feel blessed, beside my loses. Bad days included, I feel blessed. Knowledge is power, and for me self-care.
Thank you God and the Universe!! 🙂
Remember,
Your ex and his ex make me think of #1…he had a long term girlfriend that “made” him do group sex and he was so uncomfortable with it. Bahahahaha!
Thistoo,
Bahaahaaaaa….OMG uncomfortable, yes! He said he would leave the room!!!
Bahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.
And you sound exactly like me, I prided myself on not judging people, and I though would hang out with toxics, and Ns or partiers!!
I thought I was good not judging too!
Wow.
I was told to pray for the gift of discernment.
:))))
Remember,
Pray on the gift of discernment…..I love it! I do daily affirmations every morning. I’m so on this!!
I’m not a judgmental person by nature but clearly something has to change. Like you, I would hang out with various toxic people and accept them. Although over the past 4-5 years I THOUGHT I was staying more aware of people and was being more protective of my acceptance while not judging.
Thank you! 🙂
This
Thistoo,
And yep, I see them now all throughout my life too, family ex bosses, friends, toxic relationships. I am SO done with it.
Off with their head!!!
Thank you!
And we will pray for the gift of discernment.
Amen.
I would like to add something about forgiveness. You do not need to forgive him. Leave this part up to God because he is not asking for forgiveness. I found it very helpful to let go, but not forgive. That means not restoring any relationship with him. He is the one who needs to repent and ask for forgiveness. Not us.
I rather let go of my past, my ex is nothing to me. He is my enemy as he is satans helper. We are not in a position to decide about forgiving him. It is way above me to do that. That is why I gave control to God. He will handle this according to his plan. I am in no position to seek revenge or punishment on him. The closest I can do is the no contact.
This has been my experience also. My ex Psychopath never repented/changed, and never asked for forgiveness. It’s not possible to forgive someone who is still doing, and would continue to do to me, the same harm and evil he has always done.
Another point is that we do not remain in bitterness and anger. We should be grateful that we are getting another chance for a happy, healthy life. I thank God every day for my ex to discard me for the little co worker minion or whoever. I was able to pick up the pieces , not “glue them together like a broken case “, but start an entire new chapter of life.
Everyday I drive by an inpatient mental institution on my way to work , I smile and thank God that my ex was not able to have me conitted there. I smile that my ex was not able to have me arrested and put in jail and destroy me career, my job, my existing. I smile because he set me free. He believed the discard was my biggest punishment. It was my biggest blessing instead.
My advice as always is: the biggest revenge is living a happy new life and leave evil in the past. Don’t go back there. For nothing.
For once and for all…let me get the truth out. I really need to say this.The relationship with a sociopath is all fake with them feeling no remorse, no sympathy for the victim and no conscience for anything they have done. Believe me, I was with a sociopath for 37 years. He was a great faker. A very skilled manipulator, incredible liar, thief and deceiver who appeared shy and innocent of any wrong doing. Just wanted to be left alone and live his little simple, sneaking around, druggy life. He needed me as his victim to help him get what he wanted; money and prostitutes…I think they go hand in hand. For at least 2 years he left 2-3 days a week for 10 hours or so each time saying he was going to work and didn’t even have a job, which he lead me to believe he did. …left me to run the business by myself which was very busy and hectic, while he laid in a Detroit motel with his favorite child prostitute; real name Michelle Nelson, going to Belle Isle, gambling casinos, out to eat, the show, strip clubs with her, shopping, giving her hundreds and thousands of dollars and whatever he did when not actively having sex. He used me for money and to have his children to make him appear normal. Since 2007 my business has cleared $880,000 and at beginning of divorce in 2012 when I caught him, he said we have no money when I asked about it; he controlled all the money. Oh yes, he thought he would get everything…expected me to die from breast cancer, which I had a second diagnosis in 2007 and had to have more chemo and radiation….so he would have it all and then he would be the poor widower and I or his children or family would never find out about the $3-$400,000 he stole from the marital assets to build a house with a Jamaican prostitute “Trish; real name Sophia Wint who lived in a 10×10 shack, that he met 10 years ago and bought property and funded her to have built this big house in Negril, Jamaica by sending money grams of $990 a couple times a week so he doesn’t have to give his name as the sender if under $1000…from party stores and CVS stores all in the area he frequents. I have my suspicions he also has a child with this “then” 20 something woman who has a little girl around age 5 now. Nor would I find out about the ‘beginning sexual relationship and affair’ with “then” a 15 or maybe16 year old Redford/Detroit prostitute he has been paying for sexual favors for many years; bought her a car, supported her to live at a motel on his way home, rented her a house in Warren, bought her furniture, etc all with my/our money. He is a criminal pedophile pervert who should be in prison for having sex with a minor. He also thought, what stupidity, that she would go to Nursing school and the both of them would take over my business when I died….nor would I find out that for 20 years that I know of he has been a regular big spender at strip clubs in Melvindale and Lincoln Park paying for sexual favors at a seedy motel you can check into for 3hrs. Oh yes, he will deny…deny…deny all of it. That means it’s not true? Believe me it is 100% true. He is just so good at deceit that no one would ever even believe he is capable of such vile thieving and lying. Now our whole family is destroyed and does he care?..no, not one bit of remorse or guilt does he feel. Hasn’t even talked to his daughter in over 5 years and makes no effort to do so. But he sure has been in contact with his favorite prostitutes. Get ready Katz family…someday you’ll be saying “Guess who’s coming to dinner” only if he has the guts to expose his past second life and let you meet his “sure to come” child from this old soon to be 70 year old horny geezer’s stupid actions with his young prostitute in Detroit/Warren. These whores will get pregnant to have a golden egg that will support them. And he is just sex addicted enough to let that happen. I guess if she is in her 20’s and he’s near 70 and he keeps getting his Levitra prescription, that should work for the rest of his sex addicted life. He has only had one other victim/friend that he used and abused like he did me, a male friend in his entire life that has known him for 40 years…this was ever his only other so called friend. He actually hates people unless he can have sex with them or get money from them; a sociopath. Well he did this friend very badly also by stealing from him, lying and saying horrible things about him to others and this person has said to me..”We will never encounter another person as horrible as he is in our lifetime”. So heads up Nanci..this person did not break the man code because he told me about the Jamaica house after the divorce, because he thought it was horrible that I was expected to give him another $30,000 after all he knew..he saved me from having to give this horrible brother of yours another $30,000 for the equity in the marital home, after he got $50,000 from me on the day of the divorce in 2013 before I knew about the Jamaica house. You say it wasn’t in his name..you bet it wasn’t..part of his lies, but why did he write off the additional $30,000 I owed him after the divorce and after I found out about this house if the house in Jamaica wasn’t his? Because he knew it was and I threatened him with taking him back to court to be charged with fraudulent concealment. And you were in on the whole thing. You carried $10,000 cash down to Jamaica at least once and maybe 2 times to give to this prostitute per his friend…you know exactly who..his only male friend who can’t stand him now. He was sending money grams to this whore for years…every week, thousands of dollars of my money and you took money to Jamaica to give to this prostitute so don’t say I should be arrested for extortion…you are sick and as evil as he is if you think that. Keep feeding and enabling this monster. You know how horrible my life was with this control freak idiot. Past drug busts (3), huge attorney fees, loosing his license as a pharmacist and his addiction where he smokes 10 to 20 joints a day..now I know he also is a pathological liar, a sex addict and a thief which are common of a true sociopath. Our family was forced to live in my mother’s basement 14 years due to his drug busts and him going to prison in the 90’s and had to rent our home out for many years until summer of 2010, when he had another drug bust, but at the same time we had moved back into our home because my business made living in our home financially possible then. I assumed we had a lot of money saved by then. Also, he never one time ever bought me or the children a card or a gift for birthdays, holidays…nothing…ever. He never uttered the words “I love you” to me or the children…EVER. Never hugged us or kissed us…EVER. He treated my now deceased mother horribly. Never spoke to her, snuck around to avoid ever running into her when we lived in her basement…after we moved back to our home he occasionally would drop food off, that I prepared by just sneaking into her house and laying it on the kitchen counter, sneaking out and coming around the block back home and telling me to call her and let her know the food was on the counter. Now she was 89 years old, blind, using a walker and on oxygen. Never did he see if she was even alive in her bedroom, if she needed anything or just to say hello…never. Hurriedly snuck in and out, laying the plate of food on the kitchen counter. And my mother did a lot for him, but she grew to dislike him when she saw the way he was and how he treated me and the kids, yet she always treated him well. Yet he would spend much free time and thousands of dollars on the whores. And if any of you think as a woman, I got a good deal with this divorce..NOT. He demanded alimony or I had to agree to continue letting him work with me and pay him. I got the home after paying him half of the equity in our home and he got half of ownership/interest of my business domain name and website for the business…and the Jamaican house which I didn’t find out about until 8 months after the divorce and all the money that he claimed was gone. What did I get? 1/2 of our home..that is it. Imagine this creep wanting alimony after all he stole and all the vile crap he did to our family and then wanted another $30,000. Now you must think there is 2 sides to this story..well there isn’t. I was a loving, loyal, devoted wife that always made the best of his trouble. I always loved him and defended him and treated him very well, cooked daily for him, kept a clean home and never bitched or badgered him…never. Now all of you may ask how do I know he is a sociopath? That word gets thrown around loosely…. well I went to a psychologist for 7 months to help me deal with this shock, heartbreak and the end of my marriage of 27 years. He would dwell on my x and asked many questions about his behavior. At the end of 7 months he said “I don’t know your x but from what you have told me he is definitely a sociopath.
I am so sorry you endured all this for so long. How long has it been since you got away from this evil monster?
I was not married to my ex psychopath as long, but I also experienced the schemes to have me die of my health problems. My ex is a pedophile also. I am only aware of child porn. Did you report his activities to the police or the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. http://www.missingkids.com/home You can report anonymously on line or call them; they work closely with local law enforcement to charge, prosecute and convict child sexual molesters.
Why would anyone think that you got a good deal in your divorce?
I don’t think that anyone here on LF will doubt the veracity of your experiences at the hand of you ex, because we are survivors of the same types of abuse. It’s true that most people who have not seen it first hand don’t understand and think there is ‘another side to the story,’ but here on LF you will find understanding because we know that what you have shared here is just a part of the horror you lived, and you could probably write a million pages about all the evil twisted lying things you ex did.
I’m glad you’re away from him. How is your recovery, and how is your life now?
Reading everyone’s experiences has given me the courage to share my story.
It hurts. All I can hear sometimes are those cruel names and insults in the 3 years we dated. (Old p****, old dried up a**, my legs look like milk and flour in a bag, he can tell how old I am by the dents and wrinkles in my face, and I could go on).
There was a 10 ten year age difference which he knew from day one. He brought it up often but would later apologize.
I’m getting ahead here. I met him through a friend of a friend and hit it off. I sensed he was mirroring early but ignored it. There were so many red flags but I decided to ignore them because of my issues with depression. I’ve suffered with it most of my life and am usually fearful when I meet a man anyway. I tried to push those fears away thinking that I was opening myself up to the possibility of love. I never thought he would ever intentionally hurt me.
So much more happened that I would love to share but the most hurtful thing he’s done is this…On mothers day he sent a basic happy mothers day text. (I don’t ever answer his calls or usually read his texts or email but I did that day.Why should I? After all, he left me the day before my bday) Shortly thereafter I started getting texts from strange numbers about my latest Facebook post. I’m not on fb. Deactivated my page a couple years ago. This “man” made a fake fb profile for me, posted semi nude pics (2 were mine and not sure who the others were), friended my high school and his own profile so his friends and family could see) posted my phone number and lies about my life (like I’m a stripper at club so and so). He also tried to post a craigslist ad as of I were a prostitute but that didn’t work. How embarrassing! All of this is because I won’t talk to him. I refuse to give him any more control. He gets nothing. No more time. Nothing!
I’m an artist of sorts. I want nothing more than to help young girls learn to value themselves and not ever believe the lies the ego tells. All about Self esteem and self expression. If I can help one girl to believe in herself enough to follow her dreams and not live in fear I would’ve loved that.
We even created art together. He would show me different pieces he drew. However, Now that he’s gone I found another piece that he never bothered to share. It featured a demon telling 2 more to “do your work”. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve seen in person. Oh yeah, on our first date, we were unaware that my friend took a pic of us while we were chatting. Neither of us is facing her yet his eyes are blood red as they were in future pics too.
I’ve seen him outside of my building and he calls at the strangest times like he’s watching me. I filed a police report recently and he called while I was talking to the officer.
I wish he would just move on. He sent a screenshot of all the ladies he’s communicating with. Good. Great! Keep on truckin…
One last thing. I’m better now that he’s gone. I can breathe. I can live. Sometimes it feels SO UNBELIEVABLY good! Sometimes I feel confused, ANGRY and overwhelmed but I know I can get through this. I HAVE TO…
He tried to take everything and never really gave anything. He stole. He lied so much! I caught him several times. He couldn’t keep a story straight for a whole day. He criticized me every single morning before I could even get out of bed. I was plus size when I met him. I did work out and lost some pounds but the rest came off with stress. I’m now an 8/10. He’s an evil person who expected the world from me and gave me nothing but headaches, stress and empty promises. LOSER!
It’s good to hear that you’re out and free. It’s normal to cycle through feelings of confusion, anger, and feeling overwhelmed. By having no contact with him, the periods of feeling good will be more often and last longer, and the negative emotions will subside.
I perceived my ex P is demonic. He also showed up in a normal group family photo with a weirdly contorted face, and some other photos captured his face and eyes looking demonic. I believe that a person can allow God/good to live in one; or allow Satan/evil to live in and through one, based on one’s motivation and actions.
Have you taken any legal action for the slanderous and harassing FB fake profile and craigslist posts?
The more completely you have no contact with him, the better and the sooner you’ll recover.
This is a rant…….. At myself, my situation and the spath!!
As some of you know, I live in a really small town. I have not set eyes on the spath for three weeks and had tried my best to avoid him. He has not been out in the pub for five months, lots of people, asking where he was, saying they hadn’t seen him around etc.
Last night I went out for a drink with my friend and left the pub to take a call from my son. I was stood outside with my back towards the Main Street, where he lives. Took the call, turned round to go to the pub and he was there right in front of me. With his dog!
He thrust the dog lead into my hand and said ” hi, hold the dog while I go in the shop” and disappeared.
When he cam back a few mins later, I said ” I need to get back to the pub”
He then said ” ( his wife) is away for the weekend and I thought I would head down the pub in the hope of seeing you seeing we are friends”
I was so shocked. I said ” you aren’t my friend. I was your friend but you were never mine”
Then I got the whole ” don’t be like that Elsa, you KNOW I am your friend”
He said “are you free tomorrow, we could go to the coast or have lunch”
I never replied
Blah, blah, blah
I went back in the pub and he followed, went to the bar, got a drink and came over to sit with me and two girlfriends.
One of my friends said ” do you think this is appropriate, we are having a girls night out”
He said ” fine” and went and sat at the bar.
This morning he called me. I don’t have his number in my phone and didn’t answer but he left a voicemail saying how he had felt “shunned” last night and what was my friends problem. He didn’t want to go out with me, just thought it would be a good chance to catch up while he wife was away but if I was going to be like that then maybe he was wrong”!!!! He said he had decided he didn’t want to go anywhere today seeing the weather was so nice he would stay in and work in the garden!!!
Like I had agreed to go out with him?????!!!!!
Honestly!!!! Now I have plunged back into feeling sad, wondering if I have been right about him ( I am not stupid……. His wife is away, he has ignored me for five months, blanked my text messages, given me the silent treatment, denied my feelings, not wanted to hear anything about how I feel and how sad I have been…….. I KNOW I AM RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HE IS!!!)
I have never treated him badly, I have fought like hell to recover these last months when I needed closure, compassion and understanding and he has denied me all those things. I did say to him last night that I was sad and he said “but I told you I would hurt you and it would end badly, you can’t blame me”
IDIOT…….. SOCIOPATH…….. ABUSER…….. Etc etc.
Why am I so upset???????? I have shed a few tears this morning, I won’t deny it.
The pattern is incredibly similar in them all!!
Elsa, I’m sorry you saw him again; that he was able to reopen the wounds.
Personally, I think we struggle and start to doubt whether leaving was the right thing is because we will never understand not having a conscious. How someone can hurt someone on purpose and not care. When we said “I love you” we meant it.
We get upset because we think if we just explain or say something different, we will obtain closure; they will respond in such a way that we will finally understand. Its hard to come to the conclusion that will never happen.
Look at his rationale. He told you he’d hurt you so you can’t blame him when he did? If I tell you I’m going to shoot you…..and then shoot you…i guess I can’t be held accountable given that line of thought.
I hope the rest of the day brings you some peace. Know that you deserve more….
Thank you
I can’t get it all out if my mind but it is good to have a place to unload it all.
We all deserve so much more than being treated this way
My friend said he knows full well and obviously does have feelings since he is so quick to feeling shunned as he out it and feeling excluded and immediately thinking I have bad mouthed him around town
But he is dangerous because he is able to use his knowledge to hurt people like me who feel deeply and have sensitive natures!
Hi Elsa, I am sorry that you are once again retraumatized by this sociopath. He is an a**hole sociopath (sorry there is no nice way to describe his behavior).
The things that stand out in your post that really shows how he is and that he has zero respect for you, your friends or his wife are:
1) He thrust the dog lead into my hand and said ” hi, hold the dog while I go in the shop” and disappeared.
This shows such lack of respect for you and for your time. He did not care that he was taking you away from your friends…he wanted to control you…what better way to control you then have you standing on the sidewalk alone with HIS dog while he went off.
This is not what a friend would do, a friend would ASK YOU if you could watch their dog for a few mins while the popped into a shop NOT a sociopath it’s all about power & control!!!
DONT GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO CONTROL YOU…muster up with all your might and say NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
DONT be nice to this sociopath or any sociopath for that matter!! EVER!!
2) He then said ” ( his wife) is away for the weekend and I thought I would head down the pub in the hope of seeing you seeing we are friends”
He has NO REPECT for his wife…he is lonely so now he wants you around. He does not invite you along when he & his wife go out to the pub.
A man that disrespects his mother and/or wife disrespect everyone!
3) Just in a few minutes he left you confused and standing there in the street & in the pub thinking to yourself WHAT JUST HAPPENED this is what sociopaths LOVE to do to people, they want their victims caught off guard. WHY? because they want total control & power over their victims and they have learned at a young age the messing with peoples mind is the easiest way to have power & control over someone.
DO NOT GIVE him your power!! EVER!! Just walk the other direction from him.
4) You set your boundaries with him and he steamed rolled right over your boundary without considering your feelings…this is what sociopaths do…they only care about themselves.
You state “I was so shocked. I said ” you aren’t my friend. I was your friend but you were never mine”
Then I got the whole ” don’t be like that Elsa, you KNOW I am your friend”..”
He is attempting to dictate how you are to feel just like a cult leader does…sick man!!
5) saying how he had felt “shunned” last night and what was my friends problem.
It’s always about the sociopath…well only in their sick and twisted minds…he did not call to apologize about his selfish rude behavior NOPE he shifted the blame to you..classic socipaothic behavior…know Elsa YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Take your power back by walking away from him next time…engaging in a conversation will only make you confused, angry and/or sad. This is what they want.
You are a nice person, who has good manners…you are trying to tell him nicely you are no longer interested in his friendship but you will never be understood by a sociopath….they don’t care about other people they only want to get what they want and last night he did not want to be alone.
The question is was his wife out of town?
If so did she get sick of his behavior and leave for a few days?
Glad you came here and ranted it helps tremendously to get their craziness out of your mind and then you can move on.
Oprah has good advise on “NO means NO” google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch her wise advise.
HE IS A SOCIOPATH!!! no need to think well maybe he is not or maybe he is…HE IS!!
HUGS to you 🙂
Elsa,
Yes, so crappy that you ran into him again. Jan is right. When you look at what they say, it is all about them.
Throughout the break-up with mine, (since it’s a drawn out process to do such a thing) I could read his emails and see the language. So sick.
All about them. Always. They use the same stupid fairytail fake language…
I hope you don’t run into him again, or maybe if you see him before he sees you- run the other way or head to the ladies room!
Ugggggh.
I’m reading about Steven Hassan, I think Jan mentioned him to us. The mind control stuff.
Oops fairytale lol
Remembertoforget, yes the mind control aspect is one of the missing links to fully understand all of the sociopaths craziness and how we became sheep and followed them over the edge.
While reading Steven Hassan’s book I felt like he had looked into my marriage and wrote about my ex and his mind control and how I became a cult follower to my ex. So crazy this world we live in.
Thank you Jan. You are one of the first peopl who engaged with me on here! I read every post that goes through my email. Sometimes I think it keeps me focused on him and the situation
We are so easily tipped by self doubt…..but your analysis of the situation that took place is so correct. He doesn’t get it at all, or maybe he does.
He said last night that he would take me to the coast today. I never answered him and never took the comment to heart because I knew he wouldn’t anyway.
And, his voicemail this morning…… ” I have decided I dont want to go anywhere today since the weather is so good. Catch you another time”
This man is sick in the head of the truth be told. How does he ever think that I could spend time with him again and be the person I used to be with him? I was happy, easy going, kind, supportive, stupid, we laughed together so much”
Oh I would lOVE to tell his wife how quick he wa to look me up once she was away.
She has gone to a Buddhist retreat ( probab,y needs one!!)
So, yeah, you are right….. He is home alone, his kids are away and it is a bank holiday weekend in the UK so he looks me up!!!
Well, he has spoiled MY day alright! Brought back the pain after I was feeling stronger.
Three weeks ago I saw him, for two or three days I was like this because he told me “it wasn’t easy to be so callous to you at te end”
But NC and I begin to feel better, then BANG one unexpected encounter and I am back down on the floor!
elsa
jan too has really said it perfectly today i couldn’t agree more..
i can tell you that your ex and mine has a similar approach…
mine will contact me when he is bored, away from his wife and says and makes all kinds of promises and like yours takes it back shortly after…i can’t deal with that crap!!
thats where my confusion comes in because if he is dedicated and committed to his wife, (it seems), and he feels the need to apologize for he and i being together, he is NOT a sociopath..
although i wouldn’t want to be with him due to the fact he is now married and i wouldn’t do that to anyone…it still hurts that he and i once were together, suddenly became separated and he quickly moved on within a week to marry…i know i am not in the wrong because he did this, but we had a pretty serious relationship until just like that, the other woman came to light….she doesn’t know a thing about me either, which kind of makes me feel very disrespected by him because if i were anything special,
-he would never get up and marry someone and
-he would discuss how he felt about me, if i were someone special, to her at the beginning of their marriage (you want to lay it all out on the table about your past when you embark on a new relationship i would think)
sorry for the rant!! hang in there elsa!!! xxx
Hi Elsa, I remember posting you when you first came to the site. You have come a long way so you should be proud of yourself…coming here to rant/vent is a good thing so glad that you do. It’s not good to bottle up all their craziness in your mind and we understand exactly what you are going through.
It’s really mind puzzling how they can put us in the fetal position on the floor just with a quick interaction but this goes to show you that the NC rules works wonders. Slowly pick yourself up today….focus on something you love in your home or take out old photo albums to put a smile on your face again 🙂
You never told us about your wonderful Island vacation? How was it??
Thanks Jan. It was lovely. Perfect bliss away from it all. We met some lovely people, and had a good laugh and spent time around the pool etc. it did me a world of good to get away.
I think I have come along way because I CAN think of other things. At first he consumed my every moment, mid racing etc. not I can live without him ( as long a si dotn see him that is)
One comment from him and I am back there, but hopefully for a reduced period each time.
Mind you, this time wS bad. All other encounters have been me trying to appeal to him to help me understand etc. this time was HIM seeking ME out, trying to brush the last few months under the carpet because they were simply the result of what he thinks he warned me about in the first place.
I worry because I am due to foster a little boy , probably from October onwards. I am looking forward to to and I hope that it takes my mind off in another direction but I MUST get in a better place than this before that happens.
We all love the little boy as a family and loom forward to having him join our family, he is 8 yrs old, has suffered emotional neglect . But I was there when he was born and am his godmother ( long story)
I am full of self doubt about the job of caring for him since all this took place ( I mean the lt few months)
Before that I was a strong, confident woman……. He has robbed me and emotionally raped me!
jan7
you couldn’t have put this in any better words! for some reason this post felt as though you were speaking directly to me…especially your last sentence:
HE IS A SOCIOPATH!!! no need to think well maybe he is not or maybe he is”HE IS!!
i have this doubt very very often..i know i come on here and read and tell others advice but i doubt my own situation so often..
i have managed at times to convince myself that if i haven’t heard from him that must mean he is happily married to his new wife, which must mean, if he is happy and satisfied…he therefore isn’t a sociopath!
i have to say i agree with this 50% of the time and it frustrates me!
then i will suddenly hear from him and he will go on and on about his wife, how unhappy he is, he dislikes her, she is horrible and childish and ugly and not what he had hoped for…he wants to be with me, he and i have a special bond that nobody can take away..blah blah blah …until he takes it all back a day or two later and apologizes for saying those things and he and i can’t be together, …etc. its almost as though that satisfied him for a month or two until the next time he contacts me with the exact approach..
i have blocked him, so thats not the problem…its what has happened up until that, that confuses me and gives me doubt…but thank you for those words because for today it has taken over the doubts that pop up from time to time…:)
Janedoe, thank you…12 years of being married to a sociopath and all I got out of the marriage was now I can interpret other sociopaths words LOL
He is a sociopath….how do I know this? Because you went on the internet looking for answers…your gut lead you to Lovefraud…you read the top of love fraud and your gut once again said YES he is a sociopath. Don’t weave from this.
What helped me to see my ex h is a sociopath was to read or watch donna’s videos at the top and then related it to my ex…how did he love bomb me…then I would look back in the relationship to see that not only did he love bomb me in the beginning but also when he did something unacceptable in the marriage..
then I moved on to say gas lighting abuse and did the same. I did this for every one of the terms of sociopath abuse. ANd now I see him as pure evil… there is no doubt that my ex is a sociopath/psychopath none what so ever. And it has opened my eyes to his whole family as they meet the traits too.
Once you see him for evil you will know that he will never be nice to anyone longer then the love bombing stage…I observed my ex and how he treated others during my marriage and guess what everyone was a victim no matter if they were a friend, neighbor, co worker, wife, gf, mistress, etc ALL VICTIMS and your ex is the exact same. He will be divorced again and remarried again then divorced…this is what happens….sociopaths have many short term marriages and relationships.
I read a statistic when I first left my ex h…79% of men caught in an affair want to stay with their wives. Think about this…and ask yourself how long will you be second best to this manipulative man??
He does not care about his wife or you….it does not matter how much he complains which by the way is a way to control you…to give you hope that “some day” he will leave her…but he will not the bulk of divorces are filed not by the husband you guessed it by the wife.
And even if she divorced do you really want this manipulative & lying man?
Good for you for blocking this manipulative lying man who triangulates you against his wife and his wife against you to control you both.
When you have doubt come to love fraud and read everything at the top of the site and be sure to watch the videos…when I first left my ex h I too had doubt and would read/watch the videos to remind me of the truth = I was better off without my ex h.
Wishing you the best!! 🙂
janedoe, I know you and I have exchanged that we are in very similar situations.
I know the feeling of thinking, “what if I’m wrong?” What if he really did mean all these years have been the happiest of his life? What if I really am hurting him by not giving him a chance to explain?
Then I pull out the written documentation/those “facts” he told me that I misinterpreted. HA!
I also ask myself this…o.k., so what if he isn’t a sociopath? Would I still want to be with someone who failed to tell me that they were married/living with someone? That was sleeping with me AND someone else…..probably several someone elses…..yet saying he was faithful?
Would you really want your guy? He is newly married and he is calling his ex girlfriend to complain? Can you imagine how devastated she would be to find that out? He is her husband…….the guy that is supposed to love and protect her……and he is calling other women?
And yet, they make us believe that somehow we are different. That they wouldn’t do the same to us.
As my 13 year old daughter said to me, “once a cheater always a cheater, Mom.” Out of the mouths of babes………
Consider that you are upset because he is acting in ways designed specifically to upset you. It’s called crazy-making behavior.
Since you live in a small village and may run into him from time to time, you may find the greyrock technique helpful. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Kaya,
Thank you for these posts about forgiveness.
🙂