UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Elsa
I am sorry to read you had another “run in ” with him. Doesn’t that leave you confused and “crazy” again? This is how I felt when my ex husband came over to the house after the discard. I am not sure why I allowed it but every time he left me as a crying mess. He knew exactly what to throw at me, the words that put into tears and pain and he enjoyed every minute of it. When he left and closed the door behind him I am sure he marked “mission accomplished ” on his list that he always made. Lists everywhere. I even found a list where he decided everything in case of a divorce. A list to his advantage. Did he really think I was that stupid and not hire a lawyer ? Once he said to me “you will never get a lawyer and file for divorce because you will never stop loving me”. He was so wrong. I did all 3. Stopped loving him,get a lawyer and divorce him.
Elsa you should ignore this man. You should not even sAy “we cannot be friends”. You are feeding him his “ego kibbles ” left and right and he loves it.
I stopped doing this and I am my own person again. The way I was 20 plus years ago. Not a crying, crazy mess I used to be when I engaged with him.
Thanks Kaye
Yes ….. That is exactly how I feel!!
If only I didn’t just run into him…. My friend in the pub even said she couldn’t believe it as he hadn’t been out for months….. The key thing was his wife was out of town for the weekend!! Bring on me …. His supply!!!
Seems like it is fine for him to give me the silent treatment but as soon as he initiates contact and I don’t fall at his feet it all becomes me that is the problem in his eyes ……. Gas lighting, crazy making right there staring me in the face!
Life is much simpler when I don’t see him
He accused me of bad mouthing him to my friend because she didn’t let him sit with us!!! I think I might be entitled to confide in friends but then I suppose HE will see that as a smear campaign
I have asked my friend not to treat him Ny differently
I really don’t want him thinking that as I fear I could end up worse off for it!!!!
I do feel scared of him
He will never get that!!
I don’t think he would ever be violent, rather verbally aggressive and unkind!
The reason I feel scared is because he has fractured me, my happy go lucky outlook and the confidence I once had!
Elsa
I know what you mean. Even though I am out for over 2 years I still would not be strong enough to face my ex in person. I had to during court proceedings in the divorce but I had my dear lawyer next to me to protect me, to shield me , to empower me. I always wore sunglasses not to see my ex’s evil ,cold eyes. His evil stare, it used to scare me so much.
I live over 20 miles away from my ex. In a different county and I still avoid placed I could run into him. I found a new favorite beach to go, I just don’t want to undo my hard work of no contact. Chances that I see him are very slim and it makes me feel safe. I am still afraid of him and probably will be for the rest of my life. It does not occupy my mind all the time but I am careful. I know what he is capable of, and he is law enforcement. I will never give him an opportunity to try to destroy me.
Please be careful with this man. He sounds very dangerous to me .
Kaya ..did you post your story? Sorry but I’m still new to the site….you seem to have come so far….are so strong.
I admire that you are moving on….but still know you need to never forget….never let your guard down.
I tend to be black and white….as in “that’s it….I’m done with him” LOL, I caved with one email and broke NC. In some ways it was necessary …..why must I learn things the hard way?
Anyway, I’m curious as to your story. However I understand you may prefer not to share/still painful to discuss.
I have been posting almost 2 years now. In a few sentences. My story was married over 20 years. Caught my cop husband exchanging nude pics with a co worker. All hell broke lose. He is an extreme narcissist. After exposing him, he tried to have me comitted to a mental institution , have me fired from my job, tried to file for an injunction and so on. After he left one night, he just walked out on myself and his son who was 18 at the time. Just went through an ugly divorce but I came out ax a winner , if you can call it that. Anyhow , I found this site and it helped me through my “zombie stages”, it helped me to stay no contact. I finally had enough of his “escapades ” , I found probably the best lawyer there is, put all emotions aside, and took him to court. I was done, I had it. What made my story interesting is that my ex husband hired the ex wife of my attorney to represent him. What a soap opera that was. But, I had the much better attorney , the man. Of course my ex hired the female as he thought he could manipulate and control her. Ha, that’s what he thought. It was pure war between all of us. I much stronger now because of the no contact and also learned a lot about sociopath /narcissists.
It was not easy fighting this war but I didn’t have any other choice. My ex was engaging in many affairs which I did not know about. I became probably the best amateur detective but it was exhausting and mind draining. I found new evidence every day that he had a secret perverted life behind my back. I was in total shock at first but then put an end to it. It was more than enough. My divorce was final in July last year. As many here I have lost material things but I picked up the pieces and started a new life, not easy at the age of 47. But I managed. Life is good now. Peaceful and sane. I know I would not be here today if it was not for the discard. My ex wanted me dead but his plan did not work out. He tried to avoid having to pay alimony and half of his army pension to me. He lost it all. But what he gained are his minions. And I am fre and my son can live a good life now. Because evil is defeated in this family.
Thank you Kaya. I will go back through the history and read more so you don’t have to repeat yourself.
I was curious as to how you met him. Did he love bomb you up until marriage….and then change?
That’s the part that still haunts me. That when I think back….he told me exactly who he is. I was just too busy soaking in the attention….the proclamations of love…..devotion……sigh.
Thank you again. I definitely think you won….you have your life…your spirit.
Kaya48, I had no idea about your divocre…I thought my divorce was the bottom of hell with my ex sociopath h….but your court antics tops them all. What an absolute nightmare….WOW…I can’t even imagine leaving him, in the brain fog mode and having to deal with the two ex married lawyers & your so to be narc. Your narc must have been thriving in all the court craziness until the judge gave you half of everything LOL.
Glad you have found calm & peace…love that place!
JaneD,
The doubts, the doubts, the doubts.
Let’s start a mantra, everytime we get a case of the doubts- lets repeat He is…he is…he is…
Lol
Thank you to all of you for your support and suggestions. I’m numb, falling deeper and deeper into depression and just trying to keep myself above ground at this point. I’m not even hurting over him. I honestly am over him. I’m hurting over the realization of what he has put me through. Honestly, it was easier to be with him and my mind in the fog-I didn’t have to accept reality. If I could, I’d like to go back to the Stockholm Syndrome, I know it was my coping mechanism to survive. Now, I face the reality of all the horrific things I’ve been through and I’m not coping well. I know I am done for good this time and that I have to just push forward……and that someday I will be happier. I couldn’t possibly ever have a life more horrifying. I just need a few weeks to let myself cry and feel (I havent felt in so long I didnt know I still could)…I know I am deeply damaged and may never be completely healed…..but I also know that is what he would want-me permanently destroyed because I left him and he needs revenge………The fighter in me is still in here though, deep….and when I am strong enough, I will show him how strong I really am, in divorce court and criminal court should the police believe me (my story of abuse is so extreme im guessing they wont, especially now that I look like a jealous ex because the new target is living in my house)….However those things end up going down, atleast I am proving to him, I am no longer under his control and I will no longer be silenced….For now, my focus is me…..coping with the trauma…..looking in the mirror and finding my beauty again…..and learning I deserve a better life……baby steps and I’ll get there 🙂
Until then, I am getting a lot of comfort in just reading all of your posts. It helps me a great deal knowing I am not alone.
Debbie, I am smiling reading your latest post because you are so strong and unwavering in your convictions!! This is progress hon…your post is POWERFUL…you are taking back your power from him!!! BRAVO!!
Print your post out and keep that it will remind you that you are one strong woman!!
The best revenge against an abuser is getting your life back!! 🙂
You my friend are on this great healing mission!
I am so PROUD of you!!
Wishing you all the best!
Wow your post is very well written and I am proud of you. I’m also cheering you on on this side of the Internet. ( I actually yelled “yes!” Out loud.)
If you have kept any records of dates and details of incidents of physical abuse, it will be helpful if you go to the police.
You might consider consulting with an attorney, to get information on all your options and any legal technicalities that affect your situation.
And another voicemail tonight….. He said “there is nt anything left to tLk about because you are just going to go on about everything g, so I will catch you sometime”
Me? ………sad, wanting him to engage
Also me…… I think ” you absolute jerk. . You set me up to hope, then dissapoint me then turn it all back on ME”
He doesn’t want to face up to anything he has done, doesn’t want to talk about anything
So, here i am…… Feeling worse Than I did yesterday but knowing I didn’t lose a friend because he was never my friend. He doesn’t know how to cope with emotions, his or anyone else’s.
I want to run away and cry.
Elsa, ahh your post is sad at the end 🙁 I am sorry that he has affected you today.
He is a jerk…he is lonely because his wife is away and now he is fishing for a victim to keep him company then he will dump them after.
Stay strong…block him asap.
Hugs to you!
Thank you Jan
Yes, I can see that completely about him fishing.
He proves himself a sociopath in so many ways. Then he “steps back”
I do need to block him. I have preferred to remove his phone number rather than block him, so that I am not tempted or able to contact him. I feel his his number is in my phone as blocked I may weaken.
I suppose I never believed he would come back
I want to rant San rage at him but I know he would get the upper hand with me! He knows how to hurt me!
Elsa,
I’ve been reading through all of today’s posts just now and have followed your story from the beginning. I agree with Jan7, you have come so far! Give yourself a big hug. 🙂
I’m sorry you saw him and he is now contacting you. It’s like they can feel if we’re moving on. All of them create bonds despite the origin of our relationship with them. He’s clearly playing games and wants to get to you. I wonder if he can sense you were moving forward in your life, away from him! I remember my spath #2 once commenting about my spath #1. He said, “He’ll feel it when the bond is broken.” I still find that interesting. Coming from a spath, I feel there’s truth in that. It’s like they can feel us along the way. And when we start to heal, BAM! Here they come!
I know you want to contact him back. I know the feeling all too well. How’re you holding up?
I have been waking up all night, first thing on m mind. I hate that so much.
He needs to become irrelevant but I am not sure he ever will be.
Look at us all in here…….. This is a fantastic place ……. But we are all focussed on them. I understand that is for our healing and I am right in ther with everyone else. I don’t want to still be posting on here about him for years to come. I want to move on, forget him.
But if you all could see where I live. That is impossible. My husband runs a farm that has been in his family for generation. I am never going to move. And I doubt he will.
I am angry at his wife and I don’t know why. I feel desperately sorry for her too and want to tell her what he is. She knows he is a despicable character but doubt she knows the sociopath scenario. But he has made me out to be some pathetic, needy, emotional wreck and put all the blame on me when he was the one who absolutely pursued a friendship with me. He told me how great I was, how we clicked as friends. He played me then dumped me and refused to explain.
Now he says things like ” I am your friend but I don’t want to feel close to anyone” ( red flag???)
I could never feel close to him again. I don’t want to.mi just want to live my life in this small town without feeling this fear of seeing him
The way he approached me on Friday just demonstrates his absolute lack of insight in to the way I fel and the way he has affected me!!
I have found that not having any contact with the ex spath and anyone who has anything to do with him, so that you don’t get any new information about him, is the best, and probably only, way to get him out of your head. The old memories fade, but if the victim is constantly getting new information about him it keeps him fresh in her mind. Since spaths don’t change and are harmful, it’s really not possible to eventually have neutral contact or an acquaintanceship with the ex spath. Contact with them always causes damage.
Elsa
My ex would use the exact same sentences. Or I sometimes he would say “I will get back with you later. ” he talked to me as I was a business partner and he made me , his wife of 20 years, a choice. It is an absolute dismissal of our emotions , of our existence , of our marriage. It would leave me in a complete stage of confusion. I did get up every day and I went to work without missing a day. But honestly I don’t remember anything from those 3 months. I think I was hoping for him to tell me how much he loved me, how much he missed his family , what a huge mistake he made. I was hoping for him to show me his love. He never loved me of his son. We were conveniences. You have to look at it with your brain, your rational thinking and not your heart. Only then will you be strong enough to say “no more”.
Jan 7
Yes my divorce was the total drama. Not only did we “hate ” each other , add the drama of the 2 lawyers to it. It was the first case they had against each other since their divorce 3 years earlier. Now I live in a city with probably a hundred family / divorce lawyers. The chances that it would involve 2 ex married lawyers was slim. But as I always say , God sent me this lawyer. He was just what I needed. And as a criminal lawyer he knew about sociopaths.
And no , there was no love bombing when I met my ex husband. I am an average looking woman , I thought I was in good shape in my 20’s. I was “flattered” that this Cpt America (his cop nickname given to him by his go workers ) was interested in me. It was my compassionate and empathetic quality that attracted him to me. I work in healthcare and I am told that I am always “supernice”. Now I know that he was attracted to me because he did not possess those qualities as he was cold , selfish and very arrogant. He was able to manipulate and control me because he thought of me as “weak” because I was caring. I showed him in the divorce that I was any thing but weak. He could not believe what became of me in that one year during no contact. Like I said I treated him like a business deal gone wrong. I even made my lawyer proud. Going from a crying mess sitting in his office (when I was served the injunction ) to someone who walked I o court head held high. No tears, no emotions , nothing.
Seeing these financials turned into court opened my eyes. While I was struggling financially to support myself and his son, he was sipping champagne on a royal Caribbean cruise. No worries in the world as long as he could be the pervert he was and always will be. Yuck, yuck.
Kaya48, your post is very empowering for others to read about how you handled him in court. You should be very proud…it’s not easy to hold in all the tears.
My ex was spending money on his mistress & claim in court all of a sudden that he was broke and “business was not good” all lies. So glad he is out of my life same goes for you and your ex.
Elsa,
Mine would do the same. But he would add “bye for now”. I cringe when I hear either or.
Please don’t let him get to you. That’s exactly what they want. Seeing in my own experience and his torturous silence treatments he knew. He absolutely without a doubt ( I had doubts and believed he had no idea for over a decade but this past week and reading everything on this site and some of the book” trauma bonding”). They know the limit they can push you and what will they get from that.
I too would be a victims of that constant reversal maneuvering. They are so damn good at it. I know how you are feeling. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you and let you know you are not alone and you deserve to be treated better. I went back to read your posts. All I could think of was wow he had balls and you should have walked away with his dog. He had no respect for you, no boundaries and absolutely how is any of that ok when you have a wife? How is it that our community still puts a blind eye to these facade abusive people?
I know how you are feeling. I haven’t gone out in fear of running into mine. You’ve come to the right place. Don’t run take your time and look at the articles they help. You are not alone.
I have been waking up all night, first thing on m mind. I hate that so much.
He needs to become irrelevant but I am not sure he ever will be.
Look at us all in here…….. This is a fantastic place ……. But we are all focussed on them. I understand that is for our healing and I am right in ther with everyone else. I don’t want to still be posting on here about him for years to come. I want to move on, forget him.
But if you all could see where I live. That is impossible. My husband runs a farm that has been in his family for generation. I am never going to move. And I doubt he will.
I am angry at his wife and I don’t know why. I feel desperately sorry for her too and want to tell her what he is. She knows he is a despicable character but doubt she knows the sociopath scenario. But he has made me out to be some pathetic, needy, emotional wreck and put all the blame on me when he was the one who absolutely pursued a friendship with me. He told me how great I was, how we clicked as friends. He played me then dumped me and refused to explain.
Now he says things like ” I am your friend but I don’t want to feel close to anyone” ( red flag???)
I could never feel close to him again. I don’t want to.mi just want to live my life in this small town without feeling this fear of seeing him
The way he approached me on Friday just demonstrates his absolute lack of insight in to the way I fel and the way he has affected me!!
Sorry, my comment posted in two places! I find this such a difficult forum tu use! Lol
It’s so annoying to go over heat happened, want I should have done, the mistakes I made but it is just such a difficult thing when you literally run ito someone, someone who has the balls to behave lie, that and not demonstrate any kind of reserve. Usually if you know you have upset someon you would behave with a little hesitancy wouldn’t you!? I know I would. I would feel sensitive to their hurt and anxious about upsetting them again. Not him….. He is there like some big, witty, charismatic person, having a laugh …… Making my skin crawl just thinking about it!!
Jan,
Oh sorry. I was at work and on my phone and started to post to you, and often when I post from my phone…(like now) sometimes it’s too sensitive and i’m typing and it submits my comment and I didn’t hit submit!!
Maybe even hovering over it, it hits it. Geeeez.
I thought that piece of a comment didn’t go through!
Thanks jan
It was not easy but I think cutting off emotions helps dealing with them. They are manipulative and when I stayed neutral, cold, emotionless, he could not get to me. It did not come automatically , I had to learn it .
Beforehand heart would race if he pushed my buttons. But then it was not having any affect on me.
Divorce is always bad and divorce is forever. But divorcing a sociopath /narcissist takes it to new levels. I was shocked what he came up with. But my lawyer wasy shield. I am glad you got out of your narrative also. In a way I always knew that this marriage was not good but my fear kept me from leaving. That night when he walked out with the words “I don’t love you anymore” was the beginning of my “new life”. I just did not see it right away.
I always compare this pain to an addiction. Once you free yourself, you will be ok.
Remember,
I’ve been feeling blessed today. Opposite of how I was feeling yesterday. Funny how that happens. I’ve been thinking about how we are now noticing the ex toxic people in our lives and it occurred to me today that I’m also attracting “like” to my life right now, people similar to me.
For example, I recently became friends with a parent of a former student. It was totally unexpected. As we’ve gotten to know each other, turns out her ex husband is a spath. They got married twice and finally the last discard was a year ago. She’s in a different state from him now but fears for her and her son’s life. We share so much in common…passion for helping people with disabilities, life, spaths. She has been a blessing to me.
Today I visited an old friend. She used to be a flute student of mine ( I was a professional flutist). I haven’t seen her in almost a year. Her and her husband of 12 years are both minister’s now. They are wonderful people. We played flute duets today and talked. She has a 25 year old daughter. I knew her daughter’s father isn’t in the picture and that he was bad. What I didn’t know is…drum roll….he was a sociopath! Her words, not mine. He lied about his entire existence, including siblings/other family members that never existed, he was a drug addicted and physically abusive. He desperately wanted her to get pregnant and then discarded her. He tried to return when her daughter was 2. She is now happily married but confided in me that her healing process has been a struggle and she’s still working on self love. She still has trust issues, although she is grateful for her husband’s consistency and loving actions. It was hard for me to hear her story and to know she still has struggles with it to this day. Although she is happy and has found a partner who supports her no matter what, so that’s encouraging.
I find it interesting that I’ve come across two survivors, one who I have know for almost a decade and had no clue. I feel grateful for them. I wonder how many survivors we know and don’t know it?