UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thistoo,
Wow! I have been hearing of stories too. I would like to get a new friend though. Lol
Ok, I need a straight LF answer right now….
I could go with my 2 friends to a music venue tonight.
There is a 50-50 shot that sure he could possibly be there OR if not even possibly his 1st ex, the one he had her car.
I am surprized I have even entertained the thought of going.
Please, slap me to reality on this!!!
Remember,
I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve made a new friend. And totally unexpected! I’m stay professional with parents of my students. Just so happened she’s a parent of a former student and our friendship blossomed when her child left and she contacted me. Thank you Universe!
Your options for tonight…
A. Don’t Go
B. Go and come up with a safety plan. My counselor has helped me through this. Tell you friends before hand if you see him/her you need to leave ASAP.
Done deal.
You need to feel free to live your life! So…either option is okay.
If you feel hesitant…don’t go! The anxiety isn’t worth it.
Remember,
Do you feel comfortable telling your friends about a safety plan? If not and/or they may be not willing to go along with it, may be best not to go.
Thistoo,
I could totally leave, I would take my own car, but that would be exactly what he wants!
He threatened me that he would be going to all the parties with people we both know, so go the other way, you won’t want to see.
He always played on my jealousy. My jealousy of his unfairness and lies.
If he wasn’t there I don’t wana see those girls the one he was trying to charm up. We know each other/ aquaintences.
And he would only go with a fem, he has no guy friends, maybe 1.
I hate that I was with him.
Sorry j
Remember,
No offense, but who cares what he wants. This is about your mental health, stability and over all safety.
If you want to go, go. But the people you go with should know the plan so it’s not expected if you leave.
IF he’s there and/or girls, it doesn’t matter what they think. You don’t need to prove anything. You leave because you care for yourself!
Thistoo,
But i’m a fighter and that would mean he wins! He would think it’s because i’m sad seeing him there.
I don’t want to stroke his ego. Lollll
I won’t go.
Tomorrow I won’t even care anymore.
We have all the time in the world to do stuff!
:))
Remember,
I understand about you not wanting him to win. In that case, good call at not going! When you’re ready…
And yes, tomorrow you won’t care.
Sucks that we have to weigh what we do these days. I’m preparing myself for summer. Having 2 spaths limits where I go! Hahaha! 🙂
Thistoo,
Oh I read a story on another thread today where she was saying she had 2 like you and how #2 would pay attention to what she said about #1 and was like oh I would never abuse you like that…but he did in different ways!!!
I thought of you!
Aggggghhhhhhh.
Remember,
Thank you for sharing this! A thread on this site? Please do tell. It’d be so nice to connect with someone in the same situation! 🙂
I think it was one the 180rule. I will find the thread, yea her story was like yours!
Thank you! I’ll try to search, too. 🙂
I meant to say sorry just venting.
I’m very glad you made a friend.
:)))
Remember,
Tried searching. I’m like a needle in a haystack… 🙂
Thistoo,
I’m almost sure I know which article, i’m going to look. It was in the comments.
And yes, when we’re ready!
Thistoo
180 Rule.
Article is Precious pearl of purity- the opposite of slime by darwinsmom.
After the first few comments, the poster is truthspeaks:
Years with 2 spaths!
Thank you, Remember!
I wrote to her. She had YEARS of 2 spaths back to back. Yikes! My two 8 months back to back was hell enough.
How you hanging in, not going out to the music venue tonight?
You’re doing good for yourself! Big hugs to you!! 🙂
Thistoo,
Well, I went out, my gut told me it would be fine and it was! I had a great time with 3 friends. I haven’t gone out to that type thing in a year.
However, male friend told me that he did see the ex last weekend at one club thing, that they were asking me to go to and I was like no way.
Funny that he really was there.
He said he was alone at first and a girl showed up, they were together. He said she looked like an indian girl with big boobs. Lol love the details.
I kinda almost wouldn’t have cared if he was there tonight- I think because I was with friends having a blast…
Well, she may be a new victim. Wasn’t anyone I thought it may be. Yaay.
I do feel a little weird though trying to imagine it.
Oh well. I assume at some point his mask will slip.
I kinda hope he tried to email one day and couldn’t, but I doubt it. He is busy. Lolll
Cont…
And the promoter sai yes every Sat we will be at that place- the one he was at…
I doubt I will go there, but you never know.
I a
I was kinda surprized he went that last weekend.
He never wanted to go out much. Kinda anti-social.These places are all close to my house. Haha.
Well, I know he must have had his pity play on her and is thick in the love bombing stage.
His mask only slips when you question his stories or want regular relationship reciprication or respect.
Remember,
Sorry I’m just now responding. Spent the day with my fam.
I’m happy you went last night and were ex free! And that you enjoyed yourself! At first when I went out I felt numb and couldn’t have fun. Different story now! Not that I go out often these days. 🙂
I’ve also felt that when I’m having fun I’d be okay with him showing up. I wonder how it would really feel…hell, even a simple message from him before and I’d start to shake. Who knows….
Still, I’m concerned for you. He doesn’t go out much, yet he’s visited another place with a women…a place you may have gone to before right? Or a place he knew you may be? Keep going out and do what you want to do, but stay aware. I don’t think there’s much coincidence in that!
It’s crazy what they will do/become/mold to when in the love bombing phase. And to put himself in situations where he could run into you, while with another woman, how exciting for him!
An Indian with big boobs. Interesting description. Haha.
BTW, I realized the blog I posted on hasn’t been active since 2010. Oh well, at least I know I’m not alone in not 1 spath, but 2 back to back. 🙂
Remember,
I just checked again on 180. That post hasn’t been active since 2013 (not 2010)…looks like the site is still active though. Have you just read on there or are you active?
Thistoo,
Hi. Well it was a fun weekend, finally it was nice!
I haven’t been out at night with friends to a gig in a year, before him.
Today though, maybe partly due to lack of sleep I cried. I had a real big cry.
I cried for what I thought he was, for what we were supposed to be. I left my ex of 6 1/2 years NOT for him, but the first guy I talked to that I would really have to tell my ex that I had a new boyfriend.
The spath was like me- so much in common. So stupid, I was hopeful.
Anyways, I havn’t cried like that since March. Maybe I needed it.
He always has a relationship. A 7 yr to a 1 yr to a 19 yr to me…
I think i’m messed up in the head, thinking or doubting about him.
It wasn’t cheating, I don’t know of him cheating, too much craziness was going on.
I feel better now. My friend said the counselor at the shelter talks about that thinking he is or is he not…?
Yea, that place he would know I could be there. He said he would be out and look the other way I won’t want to see When we broke up…Maybe that was 1 truth. Lol
Tt,
I Mean to a 10 year not 19.
Remember,
I’ve gone out a couple of times now where I thought may ex may be. Both times led to BIG cries. Even though we had fun, I wonder if our emotions were stirred at even the thought of seeing them? Think about it…I bet you were having fun, but I also bet there were times you felt the need to scan the room/look over your shoulder. It brings up a lot for us. The fact we can’t just be ourselves anymore, because we were traumatized and now need to be cognizant of our surroundings, even when we’re enjoying ourselves…it’s not fair! And it sucks. Too many emotions to handle. I’m glad you let it out!
I would still stay away of your surroundings. Sounds like your gut is already telling you something.
Mine always one upped me too. Maybe that’s part of the control?
Remember,
I’ve been living in fear the past few nights. Haven’t wanted to talk about it. I decided to journal to help me figure out if my fear is valid or just how I’m feeling right now. I listed reasons to be afraid of #2. The list was longer than I thought it’d be. I validated myself.
I’m not a fearful person in general. I never have been. I consider myself a fighter. I have strong intuition. As you know, I work with behavioral disabilities, which requires me to deescalate people many times throughout my day and I use physical restraints, which hurts my heart. When my stalker was breaking into my house I took 1:1 self defense classes. I’m a small woman but I’m strong. I’ve gone to over a decade of trauma counseling. I face fear and I overcome. But now…..
I can’t shake the feeling one of them is going to try and hurt me. It makes me sad that I’ve had to tell people to look at both if something happens. Of course I say it in a joking way…but it’s no joke. It makes me sad all my counselor can do is put a note in her file about me fearing both of my spaths. I know it makes her sad.
I spent a lot of time with my dad today. We talked in length about Robert Durst. I told my dad some things about #2. How I believe he poisened his ex wife’s dog while we were together, the ways he said he would stalk me/find me if I ever move. My dad was speechless. When that happens, I know he’s worried. It broke my heart. After a couple of minutes he said he believed me and he is concerned for my safety. I love my parents, although they aren’t typically the feeling/emotional types, which makes it worse they are both concerned. I find it validating but their confirmation is also unsettling.
I pray every day for my safety. I’m going to be okay, right?
Thistoo,
I’m sorry you have been feeling afraid.
I think #1 is preoccupied, and maybe #2 was all talk-scare tactic…
I hate when I know my dad is concerned…
I think you may be feeling that if he emails you and gets denied that may piss him off.
Let’s hope and pray they stay away.
I believe you are going to be ok, just keep an eye out.
I think you’re right about knowing I could possibly have seen him. Good to know you cried too- like a normal reaction.
I pray for us- and that this too shall pass.
Please.
Amen.
Thank you, Remember. For being here for me. You’ve helped ground me some.
I too think #2 is preoccupied, although there are significant anniversaries coming up. For both spaths actually. #1 talked about our lives starting the day his son graduates (that’s on my mental calendar!) and spath #2 reconnected with me in June. It’s been a crazy two years! Wish I could say it’s been a hell of a ride in a good way…
You’re right. I’m feeling very anxious about #2 emailing me and it bouncing back. I can see the look of malice/anger in his eyes. Both my spaths never had much emotion in their eyes. But #2….if he was angry…..watch out! His stares haunt me.
We cry, we get mad, we grieve and feel pain. I am so happy we are human in these ways! Again, I strongly believe crying cleanses our souls. Both my spaths prided themselves on their tears. They could cry at the drop of a hat. They cried to manipulate and get what they want. Both of mine cried especially when they felt I questioned their love. I find it interesting they both did that when I questioned. They were different but the same.
As I write this it’s hard for me to believe. Maybe I AM the sick one and they were normal?
Yes, this too shall pass….
Thistoo,
Mine cried ALL the time, first because of his pitty over her taking the kids. Then over me calling him out on his bullsh** and yep to save us.
So much pitty for someone who was hurting me.
I wasn’t ready to let him go though, but I HAD to, for my health and well-being.
You did good, Remember! Letting him go…
When I first started googling spaths, I would google about a spath crying. Not much showed up. Because they have no emotions! If I googled manipulation, may be a different story.
I found out through experience that they do cry and can turn it on as fast as they want! It’s comforting to hear yours did that too.
Poor, poor disordered men…..
Pathetic.
Thistoo and Remember,
We are all messed up because we have been manipulated and lied to for so long. I just posted a link to an article explaining what they do to us…..how they control our thoughts. It is scary.
Yes, 5 years was a long time. And I thank you so much for your support; letting me vent; reassuring me that life goes on. I view it as yet another lesson learned; the hard way…..LOL, not sure why I insist on the hard way.
Have you looked at the “Gift of Fear?” If you truly are feeling afraid, you need to embrace that and take whatever precautions you can to protect yourself. I find it interesting that humans are the only animals that dismiss the feeling of fear. That when an animal gets that sensation, they run; humans try to talk themselves out of it…….go towards the danger.
Maybe you aren’t feeling fear for physical harm…..maybe emotional? Either way, please be careful.
I have a black belt in martial arts….I tell you this not to one up you (and by the way, mine did that all the time too. If I did one thing; he did two; If I traveled to 10 countries; he went to 11) but to let you know that even though I have the training…..am pretty strong…..that it taught me that the last thing you want to do is engage in hand to hand fight with a man. They are stronger than we are. You can only block so many punches; kicks….you are going to get hurt. And if they have a gun? Game over. I can’t block, punch or kick a bullet. In other words, it made me realize how vulnerable we really are.
The best self defense is to avoid putting yourself in danger. I know he said he would find you if you move..but he said that to keep you from moving. Are you in a position to do that? Can you stay with your dad or friend for awhile? Please make sure that you aren’t ever in a place alone……that people are always around you in some way.
Sorry, I don’t mean to go on about that. I just feel really strongly about this subject.
Oh! And the crying…….yes, mine was an expert at that. I had never dated a “man” that cried like he did.
After he masterfully triangulated me once and I was mad…….told him I needed a break from him……..he poured on the tears; sobbed…….begged my forgiveness.
Worked like a charm on me. I thought he was so vulnerable….must really trust me to show that side of him.
Sigh.
Amille,
Thank you for sharing that link. So much research I’ve done says the same things. This article gives a new and more in depth perspective on our spaths. It all rang true with me!
The Gift of Fear…I’ve read over half now. The last chapter I read was on dating stalking, which gave me some comfort because date stalkers don’t typically turn violent. I also have time on my side. Meaning that #1 has recently stopped his stalking after almost a year. Maybe he’s done? I still feel in danger of both and I’m trusting gut. My running thoughts of #2 are “I hate him” and “he scares me”. It took me a while to recognize my thought pattern.
#1 is a long story. I’ve shared it on here before. I’ll just give you a brief summary because it upsets me every time I share it. I’ve known him since highschool, we had mutual friends and he would randomly insert himself into my life over the years, even when I was married. He started to pursue my on FB a year before I agreed to go out with him. Over the past 19 years I’ve had random/anonymous stalking incidences (internet stuff, an attempting break in while I was home, home invasions. When we broke up last June, he threatened to kill me and I sought counseling from my local woman’s safe house. They advised I should leave town for a while and so I did. His stalking became outrageous. Not to mention a hassle. I was constantly having to undo things he did (accounts, things like that). His stalking was so intense, it became so covert and so constant that it felt like I was being raped over and over again. At one point I just wanted him to kill me and get it over with.
I talked about my anonymous stalker with my counselor. She started to connect the dots. We believe it has been him for all these years. He would brag about getting revenge on people from his past. I would like to think he got his revenge on me and will leave me alone now. But if he’s been at it this long, why stop now? My counselor has advised me to move out of state with a hidden address under a non profit agency. I’m waiting for now. Things have settled. I love my house, my job, and I have my support system here. I have a plan for if things escalate this summer, which is anniversary time. Time will tell.
I am no longer hypervigilent although I watch my back every where I go and while I’m in my car. #1 liked to follow me, even when we were dating. It somehow seemed normal at the time. How crazy is that? I’m less fearful now. My fear spikes on average a couple of times a week. I sit on my patio often. I live in a townhome community and it wouldn’t be overly difficult for a person to have access to me, even though it’s a gated community. If I’m outside a feel a spike of fear, I immediately go inside and lock my doors/windows. I also have a panic alarm I carry with me.
Thank you for your support. The last 2 years have been intense for me. I feel like I’ve aged at least 10 ten years. I’m on the up and up these days and it feels good. I am blessed for so much in my life.
How’re you feeling today?
Sorry, I didn’t mean for that post to be so long! Thanks for reading. 🙂
TT,
Since I first heard that story, I too thought he was your unknown stalker.
Come move to Ft. Lauderdale!
Haha jk!
🙂
Thistoo….you certainly don’t need to apologize. I appreciate you taking the time to tell your story….a very painful one.
I’m still trying to learn how to navigate this site….go back and learn everyone’s background.
I hope I didn’t offend with my remarks on self defense. It comes from too much time at the dojo. Too many people wanting to learn “a few self defense techniques.” I’m more than happy to help do that….but I always am afraid it gives a false sense of security.
In your case….from reading your post….I can tell you have planned, prepared and know what to do…listening to your inner voice.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to always look over your shoulder. There isn’t anything law enforcement can do? I’m sure you have pursued all that. Please know I’m asking because I don’t understand how someone can stalk you like that and nothing can be done.
Shall I guess they actually have to hurt you first. Caught in the act?
I will pray and hope he leaves you alone now. You don’t deserve to live in fear of someone…
Again I’m really sorry on the self defense stuff…I want nothing but for you to safe….live in peace….
Amille,
No need to apologize for the self defense comments! I totally understand and completely agree. Just wanted you all to know that I am a fighter, not one to sit idle. I consider myself strong, but I also realize it’s not enough. I don’t want to feel helpless…and more often than not I feel that is my reality. What I do know in any given situation is that I would FIGHT. Of course #1 liked to talk about his unregistered gun all the time and I found out after we broke up he’s a cocaine addict. Gun, sociopath/psychopath, cocaine…perfect combo for safety! 🙂 I have a couple of tasers but I’m afraid if I tried to use one because they could just as easily be used against me.
Law enforcement…I went to them after the death threats. Tried to show them all the emails/messages/calls of the initial harassment. They were rude and dismissed me. His threats weren’t specific enough, things like “The date is set.” He said he couldn’t live without me, threatened to kill himself, ect. He’s still alive so he may be bluffing on it all. Who knows.
My counselor and I discussed my options. File a report, get a RO? I ultimately felt that would escalate him more and he would find a game. I decided against it but regret not starting a paper trail. I have had to call the police on different occasions for covert things, so I guess that’s a semi paper trail? I met with a recently retired DA and we went through all of my evidence. He believes I have enough for a felony case but I need a stronger paper trail first. File a report, get an RO, etc. Problem is that he became so covert. You have to be able to prove in RO court that you are in imminent danger. I can’t prove that. I could get a temporary but I think it’d be dangerous for me if I didn’t get the permanent, or even if I did. A felony case looks at the totality of it all. Including cyber stalking and covert stalking. I’ve encountered a ton of stranger danger. I even once talked to a strange woman on the phone. She asked me if he f*ed men too. I didn’t respond to any of her questions. However, I do believe he solicites sex from men.
In some ways I hope he escalates to the point I can catch him. Honestly, I don’t believe done, so I hope he makes himself apparent. Then I’ll be able to pursue through the courts. My house may as well be a museum! Camera’s, the whole nine yards. I just want to get him on tape!
How are you hanging in? I worry about you.
Thistoo….I think you and everyone on this site are fighters. You would not be here otherwise.
I can only imagine trying to walk that line of protective measures such as restraining orders vs risking inflaming him. No one should have to make such decisions.
Shame on the officers that dismissed you. In this day and age when violence by someone that is known to the victim is so prevalent, you would think they would be more supportive.
I admire all the steps you have taken. The planning….cameras…..detective…..I’m just sorry they are necessary.
I’m doing fine. Thank you for asking. So nice to have people that care.
Thank you, Amille. I’m glad you’re doing fine. I know how hard it is. We all do. I’m so grateful we have each other. I’m grateful for this site.
Yes, SHAME on the officers I first spoke to. It is not okay that my life was threatened. It is not okay to be stalked. It has caused so much damage to me. But, I’ve had to figure out how to live for me. How to live in a world with fear and control my reactions to it at the same time.
I have spoken to good officers since then. They have validated me. Too bad I didn’t have them in the beginning.
For now, I keep on keepin’ on. I feel so blessed to be alive. I breathe it all in one moment at a time. This is MY life dammit, I WILL survive!
You’re right, we are all fighters on here. Hence, how we found this site. Survivors unite!! 🙂
Remember,
Great realization! That totally makes sense why he’s lurking at places you go. Guess he stayed true to his word! It’s so difficult to know when they are threatening/projecting/bluffing.
Keep your eyes open, for sure!!! These people are so creepy. I wish they’d all get hit by cars.
As for Ft Lauderdale…who knows! Haha. I’ll find out soon enough if I need to move. I have no idea where’d I’d even go!! 🙂
You might consider if it would be better for you to limit information you get about the ex spath, by avoiding people who tell you about him or politely changing the subject or politely letting friends know you’d rather not hear about him.
You are right, I’m pretty sure i’m the one that asked. Not good.
Jan,
As you mentioned, I was also going through a life change when I hooked up with the ex.
I just had two close girlfriends pass away within two months of each other and was transitioning out of my ex boyfriends house to move on.
I was really sad a grabbed on to him and his stories of his sadness and pitty play- and off we went.
Only, my sad stories were true. His were lies mixed with tiny bits of truth.
Also, you always get me when you talk about the mind games and such. It really rings for me.
Sometimes I can’t describe it out loud, but there was so many games…
Now I even feel like he went out last weekend to the place by my house, probably secretly wanting me to show up, to see him with the girl I heard he was tnere with.
He never went out to these gigs before I hooked up with him, but when I left him he said, don’t look you won’t want to see, i’ll be at all of tnem!
Guess he was telling a part truth. Hmph.
Jan,
As you mentioned, I was also going through a life change when I hooked up with the ex.
I just had two close girlfriends pass away within two months of each other and was transitioning out of my ex boyfriends house to move on.
I was really sad a grabbed on to him and his stories of his sadness and pitty play- and off we went.
Only, my sad stories were true. His were lies mixed with tiny bits of truth.
Also, you always get me when you talk about the mind games and such. It really rings for me.
Sometimes I can’t describe it out loud, but there was so many games”
Now I even feel like he went out last weekend to the place by my house, probably secretly wanting me to show up, to see him with the girl I heard he was tnere with.
He never went out to these gigs before I hooked up with him, but when I left him he said, don’t look you won’t want to see, i’ll be at all of tnem!
Guess he was telling a part truth. Hmph.
Remembertoforget, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your two friends. Tough times for you and to end move out of an ex bf’s house all at one time.
Yes, his is what Steven Hassan talked about in his book and how at these times we are vulnerable to get sucked into a cult/domestic abusive relationship. These are the times are gut instincts are relaxed and we are looking for someone to comfort us….guess what these are the times a sociopath swarms in quickly to rescue someone but really to suck someone into their con game.
The lesson we all need to learn is when we are vulnerable be very careful who you let in your inner circle.
Yep, the mind games they play are the worse…and yes he was playing mind games with you with his statement.
It’s such a crazy world…so many of these evil people wreaking havoc on our planet.
Jan,
Thank you for your kind words.
Reading your reply I realized that nobody really even said much to me about my losses or what I was going through at that time. My sister did.
My mom did try to. She is mentally not well for many years and has emotionally abused me forever.
I talk about with Thistoo, how now suddenly I look arou d and I can see all the uncaring, disordered people in my life.
The veil of denial has been lifted. It’s not a pretty sight, and so I have only the choice to adjust my life now moving forward in acceptance and truth.
Remembertoforget, when I was younger my gut alarm was very strong about people especially when first meeting someone. But society teaches us that we need to “get along with others’ & “don’t judge people” this is the denial we are taught….well guess what your gut reaction is dead accurate. We are taught to stuff our feelings down too…this is not good…we have to listen to our feelings too…
if someone makes us sad we needed to really understand why we are reacting the way we are…being angry with someone is easy to understand but then we are taught to forgive…guess what with a sociopath that is what they are banking on they want you front seat on their emotional roller coaster ride.
We must take people at face value….no three strikes and your out….nope one strike and you might be out of my life for good and that is ok…I don’t have to be friendly with everyone.
For me learning the truth about who people are on this planet i.e. sociopath/psychopaths/narcissist feels like I was given one of the keys to how this planet operates. That is a blessing.
I am sorry that you were not truly comforted when you losses your two friends & broke up with your ex. HUGS to you now.
Jan and Thistoo,
And I just realized that, of course since I broke up with him, and he did no wrong, just “mistakes” and after I changed my number he was furious and told me 3 times how he will show me- (make me jealous) of him with other girls, yes he said, soooo,
I must remember, yea he is bombing them and probably locking someone into a relationship, but I should just keep an eye open in general, because yes, he would most likely enjoy making me jealous at the same time.
I think I feel a little better realizing that. Lol
Happy Sunday Everyone..
I am reaching out to you and asking if you could reach out to me…
I am soo proud of myself. I actually got dressed, drove and went to a social event to which I was invited by my cousin. He is gay.. as are his friends… so I felt safe.They were very supportive of me and it felt great having gay men… who had met my spath tell me “he was not all that.. you can do sooo much better.” One of them even revealed that he had told my cousin after Easter Brunch with my spath and I.. (who had just cried with me earlier… about how lucky we are to have found each other. and the future.. and had the best love making ever… that I cried.)
he had said to my cousin after my spath and I left, “Time will tel with that guy. He is a charmer and I do not trust him. ”
Now how did he see that in one brunch and I never did?
I made a social obligation…. huge. HUUUUUGE. b/c of the depression.
and anxiety.
today.. I saw a best friend from college and have inherited her beloved kitty— so now I have two… b/c her father died and her mom is moving in and is allergic.
It is sunday… late afternoon and this is when I miss “him”.. “the fantasy” the most.
Id make dinner for he and his kids…
I felt like I finally.. at the age of 45… had a little family.
he even used his kids to hook me in. wow.
I miss who I thought he was… b/c if I had know folks.. I would not have been with him in the first place.
I miss… that right now we would be hugging. and with his kids… and going to the dogpark…. and teling each other how much we love the other.
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?
I just do not understand.
Did I know deep down all along… an I was waiting for the other shoe to drop… another discard… and that is why Id become so nervous.
I cant believe it was only 3 weeks ago that he skyped me from the “ave” where he is a fireman… from an event (I think it triggered him to drink again)…. in front of efveryone.. other fireman…. people… whoever, “I love you baby. I miss you. you are beautiful.”
and yet… he was alredy involved emotionally with someone else.
all this man did at the fire station was have online flirtations/relations with women. god.. I hope with his investigation… they go on the desk tops.. I hope he did not delete stuff.. or they can find the truth of what he was really doing at the firehouse.
and WHO he was really doing at the firehouse.
I am in so much pain again. but I have my dear dear friends.
and love fraud. and my two kitties now.
and my job.
yet… Id click my heals in a millisecond and go back to two months ago an be with him again in a second.
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
if he walked in the room now would I want him?
GOD NO.
but could I have done something to have made him stay in love with me.. not stray….. could I could have kept things exciting … like attended a fetish party with him as he had asked me to, but NO THANKS. He said he did not want sex with other people… but that these parties were fun… and that if I wanted to have sex with a woman I could. I HAVE NEVER HAD WANTED SEX WITH A WOMAN. I had no idea what he was talking about and got so angry, I cried once.
to me… sex is something sacred… between two people.
that is it….
I guess I began to bore him. I shold have kept dressing sexy. and ot have lost weight. and gotten singing gigs earlier.
what is happening to me…..
I know what and who he is….
but Sunday afternoons and nights… pull me into the memory of the best fantasy of my life.
I feel sick. getting depressed.
supposed to see a real friend tonite and now I do not want to go.
I MISS THE MAN I LOVED WITH ALL MY HEART AND TOOK CAR OF WITH A BROKEN HIP FOR 6 MONTHS ON MY COUCH OF A TINY 1 BEDROOM APT.
I am soooooooooo angry.
I MISS HIM!!!! and if I tell that to my friends again… well one of them SAID… that is sick.. and she just cant talk to me anymore if I truly miss him.
SHE WOULD MIS HER HUS IF HE DISAPPEARED right before her eyes in a car wreck?
Mine disappeared right before my eyes via a pocket dial from his phone… as his body was on top of someone else’s!!!
Kitty….your friend can’t possibly understand what you are going through. She did not become involved with an spath. Better to vent here. Even my friends who mean well and say “nice” things end up setting me back a bit.
One of the best pieces of advice I received is to replace a trigger of painful memories with something positive.
Easier said than done, I know.
If Sunday evenings are hard for you, try and find something on Sunday nights that you could not do if he was there…. Or something you enjoy doing.
It doesn’t have to be any big deal. Is there a TV show you liked but he didn’t? You can watch it! Take a long hot bath and read…
Or if you are up for it….go out….take a class, join a book club, invite a friend to go out to dinner…. Get your nails done.
It is so hard. I have certain triggers too. We need to retrain our brains….it takes time…..but we can do it.